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By *opinov OP Man
over a year ago
Point Nemo, Cumbria |
Okay...
I'm part of the plankton - I get it. I understand this and accept that my voice is lost in the cacophony of introductions - merged to become part of the monotone unworthy of reading, let alone reply.
As someone who was part of this place - who some of you used to know fairly well - it's like walking into a bar full of faces I recognise who now stare back at me blankly.
But it's not just here. It's everywhere. People are angrier in their cars and pushier in queues. Strangers don't share their umbrellas with others on a rainy day. I wonder when and why we suddenly stopped caring about each other and I have to admit it's starting to get me down.
It's not a little thing either any more. For me that down has become also a physical thing. It was seldom like that when I was younger, but maybe since life's given me a few kickings in recent times I just feel it more now.
It courses through me in waves, like the diametric opposite of an orgasm - a low level pain spreading through my chest and down my arms - creeping down to the tips of every finger and filling them with its poison. A coagulation of 'down' clogging the capillaries. A kind of numbness that doesn't really register as pain per se, but still not preferable to the sharp pain of a sliced finger. Tiny things or fleeting thoughts bring it boiling up from its simmer, busting out of my chest and throat - barely stiffled by a resolve of cultivated 'fortitude' - stiff upper lip forcing it like a sneeze back down to the fingers again.
How can I write when even my hands and fingers feel down?..
It's thrown into sharpness here now though. As a plankton, when you feel like you've used up all your words and tried every combination, and you just can't bring yourself to say any more - can't bring yourself to write yet another introduction - how do you keep going?..
When seemingly every profile I read contains a litany of impossible expectations or insinuations of worthlessness or simple 'fuck offs', I can't even say "hello" any more.
Sure, I realise being an aspie doesn't help, and maybe folks read my profile and think "oh jeez - sod that!" I also get there's an ever replenishing abundance of predetary misogynistic arseholes who have brought us to this point so, as a single guy here, I try to stay upbeat and tell myself that I might break through to someone who sees me for who I am...
.. but it just isn't happening right now, and I'm gutted that I can't bring myself to say "hello" any more. Hell, it took me an hour trying to figure out how and where to write this, or if I should even say it at all!
Basically, how do I get my confidence back?.. where do the mojos grow?
Kop x |
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