FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > Having a less sex drive partner how does it effect you
Having a less sex drive partner how does it effect you
Jump to: Newest in thread
I've had a higher sex drive than most of my partners. Being rejected a lot can be rough to be fair but if they do it nicely it's n9t so bad. It's when guys get threatened by your higher sex drive and shame you when they reject you that it stings the most. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
 |
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"How does having a partner with less of a sex drive as you?
I find it an insult tbh. If your partner isnt up for it as much then you must be doing somthing wrong."
How is that an insult i think its more of an insult insinuating that theirs an issue with a person because their partner doesnt have a high sex drive? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *SAchickWoman
over a year ago
Hillside desolate |
"How does having a partner with less of a sex drive as you?
I find it an insult tbh. If your partner isnt up for it as much then you must be doing somthing wrong.
How is that an insult i think its more of an insult insinuating that theirs an issue with a person because their partner doesnt have a high sex drive? "
 |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"How does having a partner with less of a sex drive as you?"
My wife has fibro and suffers alot with pain so rarely interested in sex unfortunately. That's why she is happy for me to meet other women, still not easy as miss the sex life we once had. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"How does having a partner with less of a sex drive as you?"
I’m usually the one with less of a sex drive.....
The mortgage, car note , insurance, and holidays ain’t gonna pay for itself..... |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"How does having a partner with less of a sex drive as you?
I find it an insult tbh. If your partner isnt up for it as much then you must be doing somthing wrong."
Really? Shows how little you know. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
One of the reasons I joined fab almost 10 years ago!
Was in a great relationship, long term. But my partner went completely off sex, absolutely nothing to do with antics in the bedroom...we talked about it for a long time , even considered talking to doctor (maybe we should have done that)
Eventually split up after a long time. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and if it's not there, and nothing can fix it, then something has to give unfortunately  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Female has higher sex drive than hubby the reason we are here. He's very understanding of my needs. We love respect each other and don't do lies or jelousey so works for us "
& they're very sociable to Hope to see you again soon  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
im lucky my sex drive is very high and hubs is too even now he cant get a hard-on his sex drive is in over drive still so even with problems they can be solved and fun still had .... but if one of us wanted out (swinging wise) then i/he would have no probs we are to much into each other to let it destroy what we have |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Female has higher sex drive than hubby the reason we are here. He's very understanding of my needs. We love respect each other and don't do lies or jelousey so works for us "
Same here. Plus husband has some ED issues that following an advice from one fabber we're hoping to overcome soon. If that happens my driver will still be higher than his so we'll carry on swinging together and separately as we are. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Mr lost interest after a traumatic bereavement. The feeling of rejection hurt for a while and the frustration was a bit shit. But then I got over myself and decided I was happy with no sex.
Much as I enjoyed being a slut being frumpy and frigid is rather comfortable.
Our partnership is more than sex. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"How does having a partner with less of a sex drive as you?
I find it an insult tbh. If your partner isnt up for it as much then you must be doing somthing wrong.
Really? Shows how little you know. "
Can only speak from experience. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"How does having a partner with less of a sex drive as you?
I find it an insult tbh. If your partner isnt up for it as much then you must be doing somthing wrong.
How is that an insult i think its more of an insult insinuating that theirs an issue with a person because their partner doesnt have a high sex drive? "
Can only speak from experience. Dont get to offended by it. Its an opinion. Take it with a pinch of salt. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *encherryCouple
over a year ago
Grays Essex |
As others have said. It's depressing. Cherry suffers with fibro aswell so again things can be painful. So she let me meet other women and couples. She has the freedom to do as she wishes aswell. But not very sexually active. Doesn't get horny that much and she does say things hurt when we have sex. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"How does having a partner with less of a sex drive as you?
I find it an insult tbh. If your partner isnt up for it as much then you must be doing somthing wrong."
Really?! I had to go and check your age, because that feels like something an 18-year old would say.
Can you really not think of any other reasons why your partner might not be up for it as much as you?
And, ironically, if you conclude that you are doing something wrong, why be insulted? Take the feedback and learn to do something else! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"How does having a partner with less of a sex drive as you?
I find it an insult tbh. If your partner isnt up for it as much then you must be doing somthing wrong.
Really?! I had to go and check your age, because that feels like something an 18-year old would say.
Can you really not think of any other reasons why your partner might not be up for it as much as you?
And, ironically, if you conclude that you are doing something wrong, why be insulted? Take the feedback and learn to do something else! "
The scenario you mentioned has never happened to me, but vice versa where i lost my high sex drive because my partner at the time was, in the nicest possible way of saying it useless in bed. So i lost interest and my sex drive, went off sex completely.
Its my opinion and its based on personal experience, like i have said to others take it like a pinch of salt.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Mine goes from 0 to 10. Mostly 4 or 5 . Don't think of sex that much.
Husband sometimes takes body building supplements and it sends his into the stratosphere. I can't cope then |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Some people just dont have as much sex drive as others."
Some have illnesses, medications, etc that lowers sex drive. Which for them, when the mind wants too but the body cant, is the most frustrating position ever.
Lower sex drive can also be a good warning sign, of potential health problems brewing. So come on folks be understanding. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Some people just dont have as much sex drive as others.
Some have illnesses, medications, etc that lowers sex drive. Which for them, when the mind wants too but the body cant, is the most frustrating position ever.
Lower sex drive can also be a good warning sign, of potential health problems brewing. So come on folks be understanding."
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
It's been a reason why some past relationships have ended, and why I found my way here...having a higher sex drive than your partner can be tough and the feeling of being rejected can get to you after a while.
You know it's nothing personal but it still stings! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
After going off sex for a while ,now for some reason ive now got higher sex drive than hubby ,he does his best but at 10 years older it shows sometimes ,but thats why we are here ,but him being bi we both get extra fun and he gets help with me ,in fact it gets him going even more which is a bonus for all ..WORKS for us ,we have a good relationship on and off here now .. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
It actually hurts.
I try and try to be as amorous and sexy as I can with her, and hope most nights I'll be invited into her bed (had separate bedrooms 9 years), but it never happens.  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"How does having a partner with less of a sex drive as you?
I find it an insult tbh. If your partner isnt up for it as much then you must be doing somthing wrong."
There are a lot of reasons why your statement is wrong. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"It's been a reason why some past relationships have ended, and why I found my way here...having a higher sex drive than your partner can be tough and the feeling of being rejected can get to you after a while.
You know it's nothing personal but it still stings!"
Exactly this.
How's the bike BTW? X |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"How does having a partner with less of a sex drive as you?
I find it an insult tbh. If your partner isnt up for it as much then you must be doing somthing wrong.
How is that an insult i think its more of an insult insinuating that theirs an issue with a person because their partner doesnt have a high sex drive? "
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"How does having a partner with less of a sex drive as you?
I find it an insult tbh. If your partner isnt up for it as much then you must be doing somthing wrong.
Really? Shows how little you know.
Can only speak from experience."
Then you're clearly doing something wrong. Admitting it is a step on the road to putting things right. Well done! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"How does having a partner with less of a sex drive as you?
I find it an insult tbh. If your partner isnt up for it as much then you must be doing somthing wrong.
There are a lot of reasons why your statement is wrong."
Thanks for your input. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"It's been a reason why some past relationships have ended, and why I found my way here...having a higher sex drive than your partner can be tough and the feeling of being rejected can get to you after a while.
You know it's nothing personal but it still stings!"
This!! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"How does having a partner with less of a sex drive as you?
I find it an insult tbh. If your partner isnt up for it as much then you must be doing somthing wrong.
Really? Shows how little you know.
Can only speak from experience.
Then you're clearly doing something wrong. Admitting it is a step on the road to putting things right. Well done!"
Cheers. Means alot. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
It's interesting reading the similar experiences on here.
It's a bit of a sub-genre on FAB I think.
I know personally, it was one of the factors that did for my marriage. My wife struggled through the menopause, and neither of us handled it well.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
sissy here, and yes over last couple of years my sex drive has been very low, I dont know why wish it wasnt ,
hot my partner is very understanding .
I would like her to have a fb to give her what I can't , when she needs it .
but other than that we have a strong loving relationship. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *hris6Man
over a year ago
Ipswich |
"How does having a partner with less of a sex drive as you?
I find it an insult tbh. If your partner isnt up for it as much then you must be doing somthing wrong."
Its nothing to do with doing something wrong. Its either you got it in you or not. We cant help much about it... |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"How does having a partner with less of a sex drive as you?
I find it an insult tbh. If your partner isnt up for it as much then you must be doing somthing wrong.
Its nothing to do with doing something wrong. Its either you got it in you or not. We cant help much about it..."
Like i have said previously, im only going by experience. And circumstances change your sex drive, so you are wrong with the statement you either have it or you dont. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
One from the perspective of the person with the lower sex drive.
It can feel like you're letting your partner down, like you're not enough.
You want to be horny but chemicals/hormones/libido aren't wanting to play ball and you feel less of a person. You feel guilty for not "feeling it"
You wish your body would do what you want it to.
You love them with all your heart and feel like a failure.
You analyse yourself, what's wrong with you? Now you're worrying about it which in turn makes it worse.
P
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"One from the perspective of the person with the lower sex drive.
It can feel like you're letting your partner down, like you're not enough.
You want to be horny but chemicals/hormones/libido aren't wanting to play ball and you feel less of a person. You feel guilty for not "feeling it"
You wish your body would do what you want it to.
You love them with all your heart and feel like a failure.
You analyse yourself, what's wrong with you? Now you're worrying about it which in turn makes it worse.
P
"
Thank you so much for sharing that.
I think that is important to hear. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
No sorry it is not true in my case my ex always was trying to avoid sex for being tired or lack of sleep! Seems like being at home and out shopping or looking after our kid is such hard work!
Also completely lack of sex drive.. No passion.. She really worry about the dog more.. Also i know for fact it is not me the problem.. She just don't care about sex at all!! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
" I have pain in my testies. my sex drive has gone . so my other half and myself invite guys over to play together. I give oral to guys. while they have sex with her. We both share the same cock together the guys love it. It works for us. Guys come back for more. "
You're writing from a woman's profile? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
It's very warming to read how people have opened up on here and shared their own experiences... I think "own experiences" is the key phrase though. We are all different, with our own set of life experiences, domestic situations, life worries to distract you and so on ad infinitum. Finding someone who exactly matches is going to be nigh on impossible.
From my own perspective, my wife is just not really bothered about sex. I don't think I would be wrong if I said 99 days out of 100 she is not interested in sex at all. It's not something that crosses her mind. But there are lots of cuddles, kisses and hugs throughout the day every day and expressions of real love, but nothing beyond that.
Which is why I'm on here. I have had a fb friend, a wife to a guy who couldn't match her needs, and I was allowed out to play... I felt that I had taken a massive weight off my wife's shoulders that she didn't feel like she had to do something.
But that fizzled out for various reasons.... But while it lasted there was a sense of relief in the house.
It worked for us while it lasted... But then as I and others have said, we are all different. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"One from the perspective of the person with the lower sex drive.
It can feel like you're letting your partner down, like you're not enough.
You want to be horny but chemicals/hormones/libido aren't wanting to play ball and you feel less of a person. You feel guilty for not "feeling it"
You wish your body would do what you want it to.
You love them with all your heart and feel like a failure.
You analyse yourself, what's wrong with you? Now you're worrying about it which in turn makes it worse.
P
"
I can certainly relate to this. One of my relationships has been with a very sexy woman and swinging played a part in it. However prior to meeting me she had a rather traumatic relationship with someone rather nasty and the repercussions manifested themselves in the form of PTSD among other things while she was with me. It killed her sex drive and for the latter part of the relationship sex was non-existent. Although I didn’t put any pressure on her she always felt guilty about no longer having a sex drive and that she was letting me down. In my case it sadly led to her ending the relationship. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"It's been a reason why some past relationships have ended, and why I found my way here...having a higher sex drive than your partner can be tough and the feeling of being rejected can get to you after a while.
You know it's nothing personal but it still stings!"
Absolutely this |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"It's very warming to read how people have opened up on here and shared their own experiences... I think "own experiences" is the key phrase though. We are all different, with our own set of life experiences, domestic situations, life worries to distract you and so on ad infinitum. Finding someone who exactly matches is going to be nigh on impossible.
From my own perspective, my wife is just not really bothered about sex. I don't think I would be wrong if I said 99 days out of 100 she is not interested in sex at all. It's not something that crosses her mind. But there are lots of cuddles, kisses and hugs throughout the day every day and expressions of real love, but nothing beyond that.
Which is why I'm on here. I have had a fb friend, a wife to a guy who couldn't match her needs, and I was allowed out to play... I felt that I had taken a massive weight off my wife's shoulders that she didn't feel like she had to do something.
But that fizzled out for various reasons.... But while it lasted there was a sense of relief in the house.
It worked for us while it lasted... But then as I and others have said, we are all different. "
Honestly I think this is lovely. There is more to a relationship than sex so it always seems such a shame to end an otherwise great relationship just due to mismatched sex drives. It's wonderful that you and your wife found a solution for you to still get your needs met and I hope you manage to do so again in the future. I absolutely know what you mean about taking the pressure off and I feel the same way about my poly relationship. Not being someone's sole source of sex does take the pressure off and allow you to only have sex when you really want to. My partner had issues after a bereavement and I know it helped him to know I still got my needs met without having to add that pressure to an already difficult time, not that I would have ever pressured him but people feel it within themselves. I have another friend who is poly who is married to someone who is asexual and she gets her sexual needs met elsewhere. Non-monogamy allows them as a couple who are otherwise incredibly well suited to be together without either of them having to compromise on their want/lack of want of sex. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
This is a great thread, we also struggle with mismatched sex drives due to the menopause.
We have talked about it quite a lot but it still has creates tension on both sides for different reasons.
We have absolutely no interest in separating over it and are quite open to meeting an understanding lady or couple in a similar situation, that is interested in meeting Mr Cook, with Mrs Cook’s blessing, to satisfy sexual needs.
In fact Mrs Cook feels that it may help her as she quite likes the thought of it.
The difficulty is finding people We’re everyone is on the same wavelength.
For us it’s more about the quality and getting to know people rather than just having sex.
We will keep trying and see what happens.
It’s nobody’s fault that we have this issue so we have to try and work our way through it.
We are also not doing anything without the other person’s knowledge as that will compound issues.
The honesty with each other adds to the fun. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"One from the perspective of the person with the lower sex drive.
It can feel like you're letting your partner down, like you're not enough.
You want to be horny but chemicals/hormones/libido aren't wanting to play ball and you feel less of a person. You feel guilty for not "feeling it"
You wish your body would do what you want it to.
You love them with all your heart and feel like a failure.
You analyse yourself, what's wrong with you? Now you're worrying about it which in turn makes it worse.
P
I can certainly relate to this. One of my relationships has been with a very sexy woman and swinging played a part in it. However prior to meeting me she had a rather traumatic relationship with someone rather nasty and the repercussions manifested themselves in the form of PTSD among other things while she was with me. It killed her sex drive and for the latter part of the relationship sex was non-existent. Although I didn’t put any pressure on her she always felt guilty about no longer having a sex drive and that she was letting me down. In my case it sadly led to her ending the relationship."
This relates back too. I have PTSD for the same reason. When I'm with B I'm good, I get horny etc but it's the swinging bit I'm struggling with. The problem being things I had no idea would be triggers can set me off into anxiety attacks. I had a few triggers very early on in our relationship regarding the swinging side and dishonesty with other people and their agendas. It has put us behind in where we would ideally be at a year down the line but I'm determined to beat it. My main issue now is that I need to be in a room with others to pick up on the vibe they give off before I can relax with people and trust their motive. It certainly makes things more difficult and I genuinely despise those people for it. On the plus side, there's a possibility that years down the line those same triggers may have happened who knows, so at least now I can hopefully get them dealt with as quickly as possible and we can move forward. It hurts me that I'm not as open as I wish I was and want to be, that I'm not as optimistic as I used to be, but unfortunately life and people can be cunts.
P |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Same here, we do have a sex life of sorts but it's clear that she's going through the motions and she's admitted that there is no sexual interest at all. I'm trying to be understanding but the rejection still hurts and i miss what we used to have. I was initially shocked when she told me she had no objection to me playing with another couple, part of me was excited at the thought and part of me upset that she no longer cared about the exclusivity of our marriage. However if i press on with my search am i helping her by relieving the pressure on her or risk hurting her if it actually happens. Tiny steps i suppose, I'm not a time waster but i need to get this right. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"One from the perspective of the person with the lower sex drive.
It can feel like you're letting your partner down, like you're not enough.
You want to be horny but chemicals/hormones/libido aren't wanting to play ball and you feel less of a person. You feel guilty for not "feeling it"
You wish your body would do what you want it to.
You love them with all your heart and feel like a failure.
You analyse yourself, what's wrong with you? Now you're worrying about it which in turn makes it worse.
P
I can certainly relate to this. One of my relationships has been with a very sexy woman and swinging played a part in it. However prior to meeting me she had a rather traumatic relationship with someone rather nasty and the repercussions manifested themselves in the form of PTSD among other things while she was with me. It killed her sex drive and for the latter part of the relationship sex was non-existent. Although I didn’t put any pressure on her she always felt guilty about no longer having a sex drive and that she was letting me down. In my case it sadly led to her ending the relationship.
This relates back too. I have PTSD for the same reason. When I'm with B I'm good, I get horny etc but it's the swinging bit I'm struggling with. The problem being things I had no idea would be triggers can set me off into anxiety attacks. I had a few triggers very early on in our relationship regarding the swinging side and dishonesty with other people and their agendas. It has put us behind in where we would ideally be at a year down the line but I'm determined to beat it. My main issue now is that I need to be in a room with others to pick up on the vibe they give off before I can relax with people and trust their motive. It certainly makes things more difficult and I genuinely despise those people for it. On the plus side, there's a possibility that years down the line those same triggers may have happened who knows, so at least now I can hopefully get them dealt with as quickly as possible and we can move forward. It hurts me that I'm not as open as I wish I was and want to be, that I'm not as optimistic as I used to be, but unfortunately life and people can be cunts.
P"
I must add tho that even without the swinging side he has a higher sex drive than I do, which wasn't the case when I was single. When I was single I could see things as just sex, whereas now I question myself a fair bit. Am I enough? Am I adventurous enough? Am I getting boring? Post abuse relationships are harder work than I ever imagined and that's no reflection on B at all, he's fucking wonderful and I'm a better person for having him in my life... it's the hidden scars that sometimes you don't even know are there yourself
P |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Same here, we do have a sex life of sorts but it's clear that she's going through the motions and she's admitted that there is no sexual interest at all. I'm trying to be understanding but the rejection still hurts and i miss what we used to have. I was initially shocked when she told me she had no objection to me playing with another couple, part of me was excited at the thought and part of me upset that she no longer cared about the exclusivity of our marriage. However if i press on with my search am i helping her by relieving the pressure on her or risk hurting her if it actually happens. Tiny steps i suppose, I'm not a time waster but i need to get this right."
Can only say from my own experience. For two years I had no interest in sex and found intercourse physically painful. At the time I've asked my husband to find someone else to satisfy his needs. He didn't and that made me feel even more guilty and under pressure as I simply couldn't do it at the time. I wasn't happy, was feeling stressed and the guilt was eating at me. If he'd gone and found someone else - I'd have been much happier, relieved and wouldn't have felt that many negative emotions as I did. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Same here, we do have a sex life of sorts but it's clear that she's going through the motions and she's admitted that there is no sexual interest at all. I'm trying to be understanding but the rejection still hurts and i miss what we used to have. I was initially shocked when she told me she had no objection to me playing with another couple, part of me was excited at the thought and part of me upset that she no longer cared about the exclusivity of our marriage. However if i press on with my search am i helping her by relieving the pressure on her or risk hurting her if it actually happens. Tiny steps i suppose, I'm not a time waster but i need to get this right.
Can only say from my own experience. For two years I had no interest in sex and found intercourse physically painful. At the time I've asked my husband to find someone else to satisfy his needs. He didn't and that made me feel even more guilty and under pressure as I simply couldn't do it at the time. I wasn't happy, was feeling stressed and the guilt was eating at me. If he'd gone and found someone else - I'd have been much happier, relieved and wouldn't have felt that many negative emotions as I did."
Thanks for the advice, you may well be right in my case. Hiding it from my two teenage kids is my next problem! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Same here, we do have a sex life of sorts but it's clear that she's going through the motions and she's admitted that there is no sexual interest at all. I'm trying to be understanding but the rejection still hurts and i miss what we used to have. I was initially shocked when she told me she had no objection to me playing with another couple, part of me was excited at the thought and part of me upset that she no longer cared about the exclusivity of our marriage. However if i press on with my search am i helping her by relieving the pressure on her or risk hurting her if it actually happens. Tiny steps i suppose, I'm not a time waster but i need to get this right."
Only she can give you those answers. As others have said in this post she might honestly want you to get your sexual needs met because she cares about you and may feel guilty that she can't meet them. If you get your needs met elsewhere it may help by taking the pressure of her. Or she may be feeling guilty and not really want you to go elsewhere but the guilt makes her feel she has no choice. Talk to her and find out how she really feels. If she knows you're not going through with it because of being scared of hurting her it will either show her that that is more important to you than the sex or prompt her to say if it is hurting her more by you not getting your needs met. Though if you don't want to go elsewhere then don't and explain to her why you are making that choice. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
This is the the real dilemma... The most important person in all of this is my partner. Its not her fault that she is built differently to me and we both feel that we are letting each other down. If she decided to try and indulge me, then I know that she is doing something that she is only doing something for me, and she isn't getting anything from it,and in truth probably isn't even enjoying herself. So the thought of that makes me feel bad, so I don't put her in that situation.
Finding that right person outside the marriage is a real unicorn search though... |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"No Sex end the Relationship "
That's a bit harsh. I was off sex for two years due to hormones while breastfeeding our child. Sex drive returned ones I've stopped breastfeeding. Glad my husband didn't put his dick before everything else  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"No Sex end the Relationship
That's a bit harsh. I was off sex for two years due to hormones while breastfeeding our child. Sex drive returned ones I've stopped breastfeeding. Glad my husband didn't put his dick before everything else "
This there are lots of reasons for loss of sex drive i too lost it for a year ,but hubby and i were still intimate in other ways its not all about sex if you love each other ... |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I have fibromyalgia too, had it for 40 years (since i was 6 years old), when i was married to my late husband i had no sex drive, it wasn't until meeting my partner now that i discovered i actually have a sex drive |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"One from the perspective of the person with the lower sex drive.
It can feel like you're letting your partner down, like you're not enough.
You want to be horny but chemicals/hormones/libido aren't wanting to play ball and you feel less of a person. You feel guilty for not "feeling it"
You wish your body would do what you want it to.
You love them with all your heart and feel like a failure.
You analyse yourself, what's wrong with you? Now you're worrying about it which in turn makes it worse.
P
I can certainly relate to this. One of my relationships has been with a very sexy woman and swinging played a part in it. However prior to meeting me she had a rather traumatic relationship with someone rather nasty and the repercussions manifested themselves in the form of PTSD among other things while she was with me. It killed her sex drive and for the latter part of the relationship sex was non-existent. Although I didn’t put any pressure on her she always felt guilty about no longer having a sex drive and that she was letting me down. In my case it sadly led to her ending the relationship.
This relates back too. I have PTSD for the same reason. When I'm with B I'm good, I get horny etc but it's the swinging bit I'm struggling with. The problem being things I had no idea would be triggers can set me off into anxiety attacks. I had a few triggers very early on in our relationship regarding the swinging side and dishonesty with other people and their agendas. It has put us behind in where we would ideally be at a year down the line but I'm determined to beat it. My main issue now is that I need to be in a room with others to pick up on the vibe they give off before I can relax with people and trust their motive. It certainly makes things more difficult and I genuinely despise those people for it. On the plus side, there's a possibility that years down the line those same triggers may have happened who knows, so at least now I can hopefully get them dealt with as quickly as possible and we can move forward. It hurts me that I'm not as open as I wish I was and want to be, that I'm not as optimistic as I used to be, but unfortunately life and people can be cunts.
P"
In our case it had an effect on her with me too not just with regard to swinging. I put the swinging on indefinite hold at the time and although it helped to ease the pressure she put on herself she still felt like she was letting me down. I apparently suppressed my sex drive at the time without even realizing it. It was only after the relationship that I realized how much. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I just want to feel wanted sexually. In her teens, my wife was the subject of sexual abuse that has tainted her ability to open up sexually, to the point that she dislikes me even seeing her naked. Sex has almost always been at my insistence and she finds it painful and doesn’t relax. On a rare occasion recently, when I coaxed her into the shower with me, and then tried to encourage her to have sex afterwards, she refused but told me how guilty she has felt for years by letting me down. She won’t go and talk to any therapists and I have been so patient with her throughout our married life that, in every other respect is perfect. So I have tried to find release by being on here which has helped in some respects, but it’s all in secret, and so many people judge us “cheaters” without knowing the full story. If anyone reading this is fairly local to me, and would help me by chatting about it, I’d be grateful for that opportunity. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I think like lots on here some of us guys go through moments in life where sex just wasnt that important . It was fun and it happened now and again but it wasnt THAT important .. My wife and I had problems for a few years and eventually chatted and she said she wanted it 24/7 .I did not and had to admit it .We were still in love etc but not having much sex . work, life, tired etc was getting in the road . I dont think it was right to spy but I noticed she was always going off and having a play with her toys etc a few times a night but it wasnt having a big effect on us ..I just thort she had a bigger sex drive than me at the time . We talked about it and she just said in as much as 'I want lots of cock in me and I like to cum , and if it isnt from you we are going to have to find some ! ' and ' I'm not spending the rest of the marriage having sex once every 2 or three weeks etc
So ..Started meeting people online . Couples at first but I just couldnt get interested and wife often turned up at a meeting and before being handed a drink was naked in 5 minutes she just dived straight in but I felt a bit odd about it after we went home .
We had regular meets with different people but settled for just meeting guys as she could get one to come round quite quickly and lets be honest there was a lot to chose from . She just switched the webcam on for a few minutes teasing and that was it ..someone was on their way round . It was maybe a bit clinical . We were that ' come in she will be naked on the bed you fuck, finish and go' couple
In the beginning I was getting involved but my heart wasnt in it and i just went through the routine of it all . Meantime she was loving it with all the new guys coming round .
Then one day she pretty much acused me of being lazy and said I was using other guys to do my job and it was my fault .. so where I was showing I wanted to try and help it ended up being the reverse ..we argued a lot and we had problems and it always ended with her bringing a guy over for sex . It really didnt matter who just whoever could come round straight away and get a hardon .
In the end I agreeed i would not be involved just watch sitting at the end of the bed etc as she said she didnt want that .She insisted she could take whoever she wanted whnever she wanted or she was moving out etc . She did stay for a few years and played very very often . She went from one extreme to the other 17/ 18 year olds one night and 65+ year olds the next .
I shouldnt admit it but I set up spyholes and cameras etc and always watched her and really started to get turned on /enjoy that side of it . She never said she knew I was spying on her but probably she did know . I felt that I had sort of worked it out and we were all doing something we enjoyed and staying happy being intimate only now and again . It wasnt that often though towards the end
One day she just didnt come home anymore and then soon after that we got divorced ..
It was a lesson in some ways to learn about ourselves maybe as we were a bit young and also what we really liked
Even to this day I am always hoping to meet couples who want a voyeur or a lady who likes flashing but I might be getting too long in the teeth for it now I suppose :/
She is still out there somewhere with multiple partners and all that stuff .She says she is happy just playing with people and has now a new boyfriend .
Its hard to say if things could have finished any other way because we obviously were into different things and maybe didnt talk about them enough when we should have .. or it could maybe be that my sex drive worked in a completely different way to hers . It was a bit sad we ended because of it .
Looking back to those days if there was a lesson to pick up maybe its that sex drives are different quite often and couples should take time to talk about it not ignore it or try to fix it without talking about it thoroughly .. I regret in some ways we didnt talk but I know I couldnt have managed to put up with all the guys coming round all the time either . Im not a prude.. quite the opposite ass I have ended up a raving exhibitionist and voyeur because of it .. just think it was never meant to work the way we thought it should as married couple .. Hopefully for others they will find a way around it if the situation happens and manage to stay together .
sorry for the long reply but late at night and my memories came back after a drink .  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I just want to feel wanted sexually. In her teens, my wife was the subject of sexual abuse that has tainted her ability to open up sexually, to the point that she dislikes me even seeing her naked. Sex has almost always been at my insistence and she finds it painful and doesn’t relax. On a rare occasion recently, when I coaxed her into the shower with me, and then tried to encourage her to have sex afterwards, she refused but told me how guilty she has felt for years by letting me down. She won’t go and talk to any therapists and I have been so patient with her throughout our married life that, in every other respect is perfect. So I have tried to find release by being on here which has helped in some respects, but it’s all in secret, and so many people judge us “cheaters” without knowing the full story. If anyone reading this is fairly local to me, and would help me by chatting about it, I’d be grateful for that opportunity."
I can relate to a lot of this...
Sex in the dark... I was never allowed to have the lights on for years.
We used to have a bit of a joke where if I commented on wanting to try or do something she would say "if you want some of that you'll have to find someone else" ... And we would laugh, then have a hug, and then we would set about with our domestic lives as if I had never said anything.....
It came to a head after a shower one day though. She bent down to dry her feet and I made to have a playful bite of her bum. So after the initial jump, she said the usual line, only I hesitated before saying "do you mean that. Do you want me to find someone else to do these things with?" .
We hardly spoke the rest of the morning until she ran off a list of do's and don'ts.
I'm not sure if anything happened in my wife's past or not, or if its a case of me trying to put an explanation for her behavior there.
Either way, talking is difficult.
I try to put myself in her shoes and try to think of how I make her feel. So I end up doing nothing in the belief that I won't be hurting her.
But there is guilt felt all round and it simmers just under the surface, rising up occasionally, with apologies and promises to try and do better, a long hug.... Then back to the routine...
I love my wife so very much and it does hurt to come on here sometimes addictive though it is. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
These stories are so sad to read. It goes to show that there's many reasons people find this site and we shouldn't judge so quickly.
I added to the thread because our sex life isn't what it was but hasn't disappeared completely, luckily.
I hope you all find what you're looking for and if that means staying with your partner but finding pleasure elsewhere, then so be it.
Katie. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"These stories are so sad to read. It goes to show that there's many reasons people find this site and we shouldn't judge so quickly.
I added to the thread because our sex life isn't what it was but hasn't disappeared completely, luckily.
I hope you all find what you're looking for and if that means staying with your partner but finding pleasure elsewhere, then so be it.
Katie."
Thank you for your understanding response. It makes a nice change from the people who jump on the back of "cheaters" and comments like "if you don't like it, end the marriage". |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"It's very warming to read how people have opened up on here and shared their own experiences... I think "own experiences" is the key phrase though. We are all different, with our own set of life experiences, domestic situations, life worries to distract you and so on ad infinitum. Finding someone who exactly matches is going to be nigh on impossible.
From my own perspective, my wife is just not really bothered about sex. I don't think I would be wrong if I said 99 days out of 100 she is not interested in sex at all. It's not something that crosses her mind. But there are lots of cuddles, kisses and hugs throughout the day every day and expressions of real love, but nothing beyond that.
Which is why I'm on here. I have had a fb friend, a wife to a guy who couldn't match her needs, and I was allowed out to play... I felt that I had taken a massive weight off my wife's shoulders that she didn't feel like she had to do something.
But that fizzled out for various reasons.... But while it lasted there was a sense of relief in the house.
It worked for us while it lasted... But then as I and others have said, we are all different. "
I understand completely. Almost identical situation here. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"How does having a partner with less of a sex drive as you?
I find it an insult tbh. If your partner isnt up for it as much then you must be doing somthing wrong.
There are a lot of reasons why your statement is wrong.
Thanks for your input."
You're welcome |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Wifey was pretty awesome in the bedroom until after she gave birth. Since then, she’s almost always too tired and her sexual interests have become limited to just missionary. Literally nothing else! Bloody frustrating - which is why when we’re apart we both play away - we have very different needs and when we’re apart we can indulge them without hurting the other. She has a few similarly sexually undemanding fbws and I have a few similarly lascivious and sexually hyperactive fbws! When we’re together we’re in family mode where we put up with relatively dull sex - my sexual thirst is unquenched and she just wants me to go to sleep. When one of us goes away for work or anything we go into fwb mode. It works really well. We have a loving, stable family life and friends who look after our different needs! Not ideal but could be a lot worse! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
» Add a new message to this topic
