FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > BDSM or vanilla
BDSM or vanilla
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Mmmmmmmmm hers a question...
I love hot steamy sex.. lots of fore play, make the lady feel like a woman and rock her world..
Also on meets I take a "kit bag" containing lube condoms, a wand for the lady's. Also in there are two floggers, pin wheel and a silk tie....
My floggers, cross ect are there to be used for a select few if they wish .....
Now I just found out that people look at my profile, see my floggers and BDSM cross and it puts them off...
But like I said hot steamy vanilla fun is great too.
What iam asking is......
Would the thought of being flogged on a cross blindfolded put you off?????
Or does everyone just like vanilla sex??????? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My kit bag is there if the lady wants to use items out of it.. up to the lady.
On regular on the third meet asked me to flog her.
Since then she had regular sessions on my cross |
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By *DFL6828Man
over a year ago
Leicester |
Always take my kit bag with me. But it stays in the car unless it comes up in conversation .. But then I only ever meet in a club and the majority of them now know what Im into cos they introduced me to it  |
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"Personally, only toys that were agreed to beforehand should be brought to a first meet, unless it is specifically a case of 'I'll bring my kit bag.'"
Absolutely agree - you have to have consent before you bring that stuff to a meet with a woman. Think about how threatening she could find you doing that. Why on earth wouldn’t you raise that as a discussion before you showed up with it? |
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By *andKBCouple
over a year ago
Plymouth |
We give preference to those into BDSM as it's our preference. We really need to build a kit bag for meets!
I hate pinwheels (K) but apparently C thinks that makes it all the more funny. Just FYI it's a love hate thing and consensual don't panic!! I'm brat arguing is what I do haha
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By *pider-WomanWoman
over a year ago
Exeter, Bristol, Plymouth, Truro |
Everything has a time and place. Trust gained over a period of time is a must. If you think turning up with a bag of tricks would change that you have no chance. Anything worth having is worth building real connections.
Its a no from me. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Regardless of the kit bag, that is there if the lady wand and only if
The question was would a person who likes BDSM put off.."
There is no single answer though - some would be put off, others won't - the key is finding those that won't be.
What I would say, having looked at your profile, is that it does lean heavily on the BDSM side, and that may lead people to conclude (rightly or wrongly) that that is your sole interest and be deterred as a result - if it's one your interests then absolutely nothing wrong with that but you have to either accept that some will be put off by it, or decide to minimise the signs of it and bring it up during conversation to see if there may be an interest.
I have a very keen interest in BDSM, albeit from the other side of the coin to you, but you'd not know it instantly from looking at my profile, although the clues are there - it's something that isn't my primary focus here but if it crops up in conversation I expand on as appropriate. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"I don’t get the whole ‘everything is vanilla or BDSM’. There is a whole load of stuff in between. "
Absolutely - BDSM and kink covers a very broad spectrum, as does sex and sexuality in itself - there is no single definition either other than the one individuals define for themselves and that is the joy of it.
I do think though that if an interest leans heavily in one specific direction that people are open and honest about it too and not only that communicate it well - as others have said on this thread, pulling out a flogger on a first meet without prior discussion would have many (me included) running for the hills. |
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"Mmmmmmmmm hers a question...
I love hot steamy sex.. lots of fore play, make the lady feel like a woman and rock her world..
Also on meets I take a "kit bag" containing lube condoms, a wand for the lady's. Also in there are two floggers, pin wheel and a silk tie....
My floggers, cross ect are there to be used for a select few if they wish .....
Now I just found out that people look at my profile, see my floggers and BDSM cross and it puts them off...
But like I said hot steamy vanilla fun is great too.
What iam asking is......
Would the thought of being flogged on a cross blindfolded put you off?????
Or does everyone just like vanilla sex???????"
Vanilla sex for us while swinging. Bdsm, kink is just for us 2. |
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"Mmmmmmmmm hers a question...
I love hot steamy sex.. lots of fore play, make the lady feel like a woman and rock her world..
Also on meets I take a "kit bag" containing lube condoms, a wand for the lady's. Also in there are two floggers, pin wheel and a silk tie....
My floggers, cross ect are there to be used for a select few if they wish .....
Now I just found out that people look at my profile, see my floggers and BDSM cross and it puts them off...
But like I said hot steamy vanilla fun is great too.
What iam asking is......
Would the thought of being flogged on a cross blindfolded put you off?????
Or does everyone just like vanilla sex???????"
Vanilla is too dull for me. Bring on the flogger and pin wheel! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The question was would a person who likes BDSM put off.."
I like BDSM, and my answer remains the same. If someone brought along a whole bunch of stuff that wasn't discussed and agreed to prior I'd be having second thoughts about doing anything with them.
Also, anyone can buy toys. Overreliance on the big bag of tricks can be an indicator of an amateur, and that's not someone you want tying you up. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The question was would a person who likes BDSM put off..
I like BDSM, and my answer remains the same. If someone brought along a whole bunch of stuff that wasn't discussed and agreed to prior I'd be having second thoughts about doing anything with them.
Also, anyone can buy toys. Overreliance on the big bag of tricks can be an indicator of an amateur, and that's not someone you want tying you up."
Agree  |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
"The question was would a person who likes BDSM put off..
I like BDSM, and my answer remains the same. If someone brought along a whole bunch of stuff that wasn't discussed and agreed to prior I'd be having second thoughts about doing anything with them.
Also, anyone can buy toys. Overreliance on the big bag of tricks can be an indicator of an amateur, and that's not someone you want tying you up."
I would like to respond to this comment first. Then secondly respond to OP,and thirdly address comments made on this thread.
I would make it clear that I am not criticising anyone but putting forward alternative views. I think the kink/ bdsm world is very wide and allows many differences. There is no true way and the only requirements are genuine consent and a lack of abuse.
Firstly I do not acept the assertion and criticism that an overeliance on toys can be an indicator of an amateur. It merely indicates that that the person likes using toys. Also the word "amateur" is perjorative, who decides what is an indicator of an amateur and is being amateur bad? Everyone has to learn somewhere. The only relevant indicators of bad performance are regular consent violations, or consistently physically and or mentally harming your playmates without consent. I say consistently as at the extreme ends of kink/bdsm accidents can happen.
I would also suggest that a false division is being made; that is a choice between those who prefer their kink as a mental stimulation as opposed to those who like their kink physical. In fact it is not a division but a different choice of enjoyment. The key being not whether you use mental or physical stimulation, but ensuring whatever you do it is what the bottom wants. If a bottom prefers mainly mental stimulation then a lot of toys will not work. If a bottom prefers physical stimulation then mental stimulation will leave them unsatisfied. Neither method is better, it is merely a choice of enjoyment (and all the variations in between). By the way in my favourite kinbaku videos, rope, pinwheels, flogging, whipping and wax may all be used by very respected riggers.
Secondly OP, there is a train of thought that says once a bottom's pleasure zones are activated they may not make the best choices. This is why one should rarely renegotiate mid scene. Therefore switching to bdsm without a proper negotiation and discussion can lead to accusations of predatory behaviour. I fully believe that you are honourable in what you do. However, I believe best practice is to discuss bdsm away from a play situation and obtain consent in a social situation first.
Thirdly,I would say that floggers and pinwheels can be perfect for a sexy scene. They are not solely used for extreme bdsm. A flogger can be used very sensually and some people feel that the light touch of a pinwheel is erotic. There are many sensual flogging videos online.
The thread to my comments is that I believe bdsm is largely about knowing what you are getting into before you play, and knowing the person's style before you play. This involves prior discussions and non adversarial negotiation. This applies to Tops/Dominants as well as Bottoms/Submissives. |
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"The question was would a person who likes BDSM put off..
I like BDSM, and my answer remains the same. If someone brought along a whole bunch of stuff that wasn't discussed and agreed to prior I'd be having second thoughts about doing anything with them.
Also, anyone can buy toys. Overreliance on the big bag of tricks can be an indicator of an amateur, and that's not someone you want tying you up.
I would like to respond to this comment first. Then secondly respond to OP,and thirdly address comments made on this thread.
I would make it clear that I am not criticising anyone but putting forward alternative views. I think the kink/ bdsm world is very wide and allows many differences. There is no true way and the only requirements are genuine consent and a lack of abuse.
Firstly I do not acept the assertion and criticism that an overeliance on toys can be an indicator of an amateur. It merely indicates that that the person likes using toys. Also the word "amateur" is perjorative, who decides what is an indicator of an amateur and is being amateur bad? Everyone has to learn somewhere. The only relevant indicators of bad performance are regular consent violations, or consistently physically and or mentally harming your playmates without consent. I say consistently as at the extreme ends of kink/bdsm accidents can happen.
I would also suggest that a false division is being made; that is a choice between those who prefer their kink as a mental stimulation as opposed to those who like their kink physical. In fact it is not a division but a different choice of enjoyment. The key being not whether you use mental or physical stimulation, but ensuring whatever you do it is what the bottom wants. If a bottom prefers mainly mental stimulation then a lot of toys will not work. If a bottom prefers physical stimulation then mental stimulation will leave them unsatisfied. Neither method is better, it is merely a choice of enjoyment (and all the variations in between). By the way in my favourite kinbaku videos, rope, pinwheels, flogging, whipping and wax may all be used by very respected riggers.
Secondly OP, there is a train of thought that says once a bottom's pleasure zones are activated they may not make the best choices. This is why one should rarely renegotiate mid scene. Therefore switching to bdsm without a proper negotiation and discussion can lead to accusations of predatory behaviour. I fully believe that you are honourable in what you do. However, I believe best practice is to discuss bdsm away from a play situation and obtain consent in a social situation first.
Thirdly,I would say that floggers and pinwheels can be perfect for a sexy scene. They are not solely used for extreme bdsm. A flogger can be used very sensually and some people feel that the light touch of a pinwheel is erotic. There are many sensual flogging videos online.
The thread to my comments is that I believe bdsm is largely about knowing what you are getting into before you play, and knowing the person's style before you play. This involves prior discussions and non adversarial negotiation. This applies to Tops/Dominants as well as Bottoms/Submissives. "
In a (quite large) nutshell, this is it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There's nothing wrong with being an amateur, you're right that it is the attitude that is important. However, though of course everyone has to learn somewhere, for the purposes of my meets on here I'm not interested in being a test subject.
And I have met people before who have a massive bag of kit with no knowledge of how to use it, so though you may disagree with it that was entirely based on personal experience. |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
"There's nothing wrong with being an amateur, you're right that it is the attitude that is important. However, though of course everyone has to learn somewhere, for the purposes of my meets on here I'm not interested in being a test subject.
And I have met people before who have a massive bag of kit with no knowledge of how to use it, so though you may disagree with it that was entirely based on personal experience."
I try not to work from personal experience as everyone's experience is different.
I think what I said about each knowing what they are getting into stands.
May I politely ask, what do you mean, when you say they did not know how to use the toys? Without putting words in your mouth,
Did they not have the skill to use their toys?
Did they not connect with you in the way they used their toys?
Did they fail to carry out a proper negotiation to understand what you wanted from a scene? I.e your hot spots and the state you wanted to be in at the end of the scene? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I try not to work from personal experience as everyone's experience is different."
Which is why I said 'can be an indicator', and not 'is an indicator'. There's nothing inaccurate about that. Not sure where you got the impression that I think ALL people with a kit bag are amateurs, or that ALL amateurs will be bad at it. You're reading something that isnt there from what I can tell.
As for the rest, I meant they sent a photo of their collection out for me, but they were hazy or had no idea about basic safety. It would be exactly the same principle if I was talking with someone about a vanilla meet and they showed signs of not being fully aligned with what I want from a meet. Meets, especially those involving kink, put women in particular in a vulnerable position. Safety is important to me, it isn't anything personal to anyone. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Tbh props on a first meet are not for me... I find I need to get the need to fuck the living daylights out of someone out of the way... On probably at least 2 meets, before any kind of kink can happen. I need a good connection and trust. Those both make me want more from someone. So no kit bags, until then, ta  |
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By *ikilovesCCouple
over a year ago
village life, closest main town inverness |
"If I knew the guy well I'd be very happy that he had bought some bits and pieces.
If it was a new guy and we hadn't talked about all that I'd be very uneasy if he turned up with a hold all. I'd be thinking it had a hammer and some gaffer tape in or something   "
.
 brilliant answer |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Mmmmmmmmm hers a question...
I love hot steamy sex.. lots of fore play, make the lady feel like a woman and rock her world..
Also on meets I take a "kit bag" containing lube condoms, a wand for the lady's. Also in there are two floggers, pin wheel and a silk tie....
My floggers, cross ect are there to be used for a select few if they wish .....
Now I just found out that people look at my profile, see my floggers and BDSM cross and it puts them off...
But like I said hot steamy vanilla fun is great too.
What iam asking is......
Would the thought of being flogged on a cross blindfolded put you off?????
Or does everyone just like vanilla sex???????"
never had vanilla sex don't know what it is or what the flavour of ice cream refers to  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I like to think of myself as a Dom tender sir or firm master. Whereever you are on the spectrum from vanilla to BDSM and all in between. Variety is the spice of life. The only pleasure you haven't had is the dark desire you haven't surrendered too. |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
"I try not to work from personal experience as everyone's experience is different.
Which is why I said 'can be an indicator', and not 'is an indicator'. There's nothing inaccurate about that. Not sure where you got the impression that I think ALL people with a kit bag are amateurs, or that ALL amateurs will be bad at it. You're reading something that isnt there from what I can tell.
As for the rest, I meant they sent a photo of their collection out for me, but they were hazy or had no idea about basic safety. It would be exactly the same principle if I was talking with someone about a vanilla meet and they showed signs of not being fully aligned with what I want from a meet. Meets, especially those involving kink, put women in particular in a vulnerable position. Safety is important to me, it isn't anything personal to anyone."
Hi,
Your original statement was that an over reliance of toys may be indicator of an amateur. My response is that an over reliance alone cannot be indicator of being an amateur. What you seem now to be saying is having toys and not knowing how to use them safely is an indicator of an amateur, I could agree with that. But it does not have to be many toys. A person can turn up with a flogger and hit all the wrong parts of the body.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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BDSM is a lifestyle choice. The dynamics are very intense. I don't see myself limiting sexuality to solely one particular kink even though I may have a preference for particular fetish. Toy bags isn't necessarily BDSM.a toy is something as simple as dildo. I personally have a dungeon |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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showing up with a sex package of anal hooks, inflatables, and restraints unannounced for new relationship probably won't orgasm well for first date. Precommunication in lifestyle choices is a must |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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From my experience BDSM is all about trust, communication and respect. So I can see first meets with people you have only had a short web chat are a big leap of faith to start mixing in bondage and flogging etc, even if thats exactly what they get off on.
Also I personally enjoy the kinky play much more if I have connected with the person before! Makes it a million times hotter....no matter whether you are giving it or taking it  |
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"Also with the right mind everything can be turned into a kinky toy, so you don't always need to bring a bag  "
My wardrobe is full of ties. My kitchen is full of spankulas I mean spatulas. But they would only come out after discussion. |
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We are into BDSM but would be fucking horrified and probably show him the door unless it had been discussed beforehand. We'd be annoyed but I think it would be more frightening than anything else for a single woman. |
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