FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > Queer, non-binary, gender non conforming
Queer, non-binary, gender non conforming
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I’m probably going to regret asking this but what do people think and feel about the strict gender classifications on fab?
I’m genderqueer and prefer they/them pronouns. I haven’t come across many (if any) other non-binary folks on here and wanted to see how other people are dealing with it. I’d love to hear from you!
Fab is great for many reasons but seems pretty behind on trans* stuff. It’s not been an issue for meets but I do get misgendered a lot in messages and at clubs.
Also I know what the forums are like. Totally fine with people asking questions but please try and keep it respectful  |
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I personally hate the limited gender 'boxes' on here.
I am trans and live gender fluid so not full time feminine or male.
whenever i play or visit clubs i am feminine so it works ok for me.
Many ask if i will be dressed for meets which is offensive as its not just dressing its who i am.
If your non binary such as yourself its a lot worse though  |
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my view is quiet dated... boys have a penis and girls have a vagina... if you want to dress as something your not then it's fine and if you look good I will take it at face value. but i would be sure pissed if I thought I was getting in to bed with a guy to find a woman and vicversa. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Fab definatly needs to catch up , me ( female of the couple ) I'm actually pansexual not bisexual but fab does not have that as an option unlike our BDSM site that we are on . |
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"What is gender queer please ?"
The dictionary definition is - “a person who does not subscribe to conventional gender distinctions but identifies with neither, both, or a combination of male and female genders.”
Basically for me it means, I think gender is different to sex and that gender is socially constructed. I don’t think society should decide on who you are, what traits are acceptable or not, what you should and shouldn’t look like all based on your genitals. |
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"I personally hate the limited gender 'boxes' on here.
I am trans and live gender fluid so not full time feminine or male.
whenever i play or visit clubs i am feminine so it works ok for me.
Many ask if i will be dressed for meets which is offensive as its not just dressing its who i am.
If your non binary such as yourself its a lot worse though "
Thank you 3
I hate that they lump tv and ts together as it completely undermines people’s identity. It’s horrible that you have to educate people and be misgendered so frequently here, I’m sure it wouldn’t take much for fan to give us a few more options! |
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"my view is quiet dated... boys have a penis and girls have a vagina... if you want to dress as something your not then it's fine and if you look good I will take it at face value. but i would be sure pissed if I thought I was getting in to bed with a guy to find a woman and vicversa. "
I’m guessing you mean you want to know what genitals people have before getting into bed with them? I don’t think that’s a problem but it doesn’t mean they’re dressing as something they aren’t. Also “passing” for a man or a woman isn’t the aim for a lot of trans and non-binary people. |
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"my view is quiet dated... boys have a penis and girls have a vagina... if you want to dress as something your not then it's fine and if you look good I will take it at face value. but i would be sure pissed if I thought I was getting in to bed with a guy to find a woman and vicversa. "
Understand your point but gender identity is not just a "dressing" issue. I have friends that present themselves as neither male or female in the way they look and feel. |
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"my view is quiet dated... boys have a penis and girls have a vagina... if you want to dress as something your not then it's fine and if you look good I will take it at face value. but i would be sure pissed if I thought I was getting in to bed with a guy to find a woman and vicversa.
Understand your point but gender identity is not just a "dressing" issue. I have friends that present themselves as neither male or female in the way they look and feel."
maybe it's my miss understanding but in a non fab world if someone looks how they are ment to then it might cut down on the misconception of weather it's male or female. because if it looks like a guy in a frock I would use him he etc them same as if it looks like a woman in jeans and a tee her she etc. |
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We also agree and think that Fabs is a bit behind the times on the gender categories. Maybe there should be a static post displayed somewhere with a detailed descriptions for all the different genders.
A is a pre op transgender and has her appointment with the surgeon in October so hopefully within a year should have completed her journey to becoming the woman she has always felt she was born to be! As for S he is pansexual and this always has to come under the category ‘other’ and is then open to questioning. S also dresses occasionally for a sexual reason and not to be confused with his gender.
We feel for all on here and hope that they’re treated as per their conforming gender and not just their sexuality. xx |
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Just to throw this complex debate open, in my view someone who likes to identify as female (or vice versa) at regular points in their lives (i.e. to meet or go out) is bi-gender, not gender fluid.
A truly genderfluid person may be a man at one time, a woman at another, both at once, or neither, or something completely different.
As for males having a penis and women having a vagina, that's your sex, which is completely different to your gender. Your sex is a biological concept based on biological characteristics such as difference in genitalia.
Gender, however, does not have a basis in science, although it is affected by the biological and physiological characteristics we display as “males” and “females”. Instead, gender is based on the societal constructions and belief systems put in place that deal with masculinity and femininity. Basically, gender is your sexual identity (not your biological sex), especially in relation to society or culture  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"my view is quiet dated... boys have a penis and girls have a vagina... if you want to dress as something your not then it's fine and if you look good I will take it at face value. but i would be sure pissed if I thought I was getting in to bed with a guy to find a woman and vicversa.
Understand your point but gender identity is not just a "dressing" issue. I have friends that present themselves as neither male or female in the way they look and feel.
maybe it's my miss understanding but in a non fab world if someone looks how they are ment to then it might cut down on the misconception of weather it's male or female. because if it looks like a guy in a frock I would use him he etc them same as if it looks like a woman in jeans and a tee her she etc. "
They do look how they’re meant to. You don’t have to guess, call everyone they or them if it’s confusing, but there’s more to it than just male or female. In the real world and fab world- by your explanation, really women don’t belong in jeans because they’re for men.  |
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"
A truly genderfluid person may be a man at one time, a woman at another, both at once, or neither, or something completely different.
"
Nice post and soms great points but i won't quote it all, thats the best description of how i live my life i have ever heard so a big thankyou x |
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" As for males having a penis and women having a vagina, that's your sex, which is completely different to your gender.
Basically, gender is your sexual identity (not your biological sex), especially in relation to society or culture"
Succinctly worded, great post.
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"my view is quiet dated... boys have a penis and girls have a vagina... if you want to dress as something your not then it's fine and if you look good I will take it at face value. but i would be sure pissed if I thought I was getting in to bed with a guy to find a woman and vicversa.
Understand your point but gender identity is not just a "dressing" issue. I have friends that present themselves as neither male or female in the way they look and feel.
maybe it's my miss understanding but in a non fab world if someone looks how they are ment to then it might cut down on the misconception of weather it's male or female. because if it looks like a guy in a frock I would use him he etc them same as if it looks like a woman in jeans and a tee her she etc.
They do look how they’re meant to. You don’t have to guess, call everyone they or them if it’s confusing, but there’s more to it than just male or female. In the real world and fab world- by your explanation, really women don’t belong in jeans because they’re for men. "
Jean and a tee where just a example of something not meaning only guys should wear. x |
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I think people get too hung up on stuff like this. I'm male, but I dress and I'm bi, anything else just read the profile and ask some questions - can be a very nice way to establish if both parties interested. If I was being picky it does seem to lump cross dressers in with transvestites (mmmmmm), and we are different, though again that can be down to opportunity.
Anyway, whatever your preferences if you see someone you fancy just read the profile, ask some questions and see where it goes.
NB More pertinent is all those 100% straight guys who are always in the bi chat rooms looking for dates. Why can't they just be honest? |
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While the vast majority of people are cis-gendered, it is also true that as more people become aware of gender being a spectrum that more will discover they are gendee-queer in some way.
Sites like fab as well as official forms will need to realise this. I have heard that adding more gender or sexuality options would mean a complete site redesign which would be costly (and people already complain about the cost of fab now). |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Can someone explain to me how transvestites are different to crossdressers? It's both about dress, is it not?
Are some people confusing transvestite with transgender, which is definitely a different thing? |
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"Can someone explain to me how transvestites are different to crossdressers? It's both about dress, is it not?"
I assume he meant the distinction between those who just wear a pair of stockings and panties etc and those who present themselves fully as female |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I assume he meant the distinction between those who just wear a pair of stockings and panties etc and those who present themselves fully as female "
I still don't understand the distinction between CDs and TVs, unless we're talking about people who are actually trans women, which on this site would be listed as TSs (which is itself quite a dated term).
Personally think at the very least there should be a separate category for people who just like to dress/present, and people who are transgender. |
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"
I hate that they lump tv and ts together as it completely undermines people’s identity. It’s horrible that you have to educate people and be misgendered so frequently here, I’m sure it wouldn’t take much for fan to give us a few more options! "
 |
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"Sorry if this is not allowed but an in-depth description of all trans terminology can be found at stonewall.org.uk and should answer most of your questions."
Stonewall is an excellent resource. This is what it has to say about trans and highlights the point that the OP made about additional gender choices on fab.
TRANS
An umbrella term to describe people whose gender is not the same as, or does not sit comfortably with, the sex they were assigned at birth.
Trans people may describe themselves using one or more of a wide variety of terms, including (but not limited to) transgender, transsexual, gender-queer (GQ), gender-fluid, non-binary, gender-variant, crossdresser, genderless, agender, nongender, third gender, bi-gender, trans man, trans woman, trans masculine, trans feminine and neutrois. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Maybe it is a generational thing but I have a lot of friends who are trans and not a single one of them would categorise themselves alongside crossdressers. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm ignorant in this and I'm embarrassed by that.
I have read things in the post and responses and haven't got a clue what some of it means.
However I would like to state sexuality or gender isn't a thing I would make a judgment call on.
I would however judge on someone's personality etc when considering a meet. X
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By *irginieWoman
over a year ago
Near Marlborough |
The same way I feel about the strict gender classifications on almost every website that requires you to indicate male or female.
I’m a woman identifying as a woman and generally heterosexual with a hint of bisexuality when the mood takes. So my gender and sexuality fits into the boxes. I can only imagine how frustrating it is for our modern technology to be already so behind current thinking.
For those that might not understand Genderqueer or choose to think that being born with a penis defines your gender and sexuality then you should listen more to the experiences among non binary communities and support their decision to identify as genderqueer.
I’m always getting the wrong pronoun when I’m out with some of my fluid friends and usually I’m forgiven.
We should accept people for who they are. Remember when we thought being gay was wrong..... that wasn’t so long ago.
I’d definitely support a change to the categories on this site.
V x
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"I'm ignorant in this and I'm embarrassed by that.
I have read things in the post and responses and haven't got a clue what some of it means.
However I would like to state sexuality or gender isn't a thing I would make a judgment call on.
I would however judge on someone's personality etc when considering a meet. X
"
You’ve nothing to be embarrassed about! I think the exploration of gender and sexuality and the language we use to describe it has rapidly changed over the last few years. Fluidity and ambiguity is a great thing but it also makes it much harder for people who haven’t questioned these things before way harder to get their head around at first.
The fact that you’re here, responding in an empathetic and caring way tells me that you’ve got nothing to be embarrassed about x |
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exible than bi curious and I'm leaning towards pansexual.
