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Joke of the day
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...
?????? |
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By *izzy.Woman
over a year ago
Stoke area |
Policeman knocks on a chaps door. The man answers and the policeman says I need to ask you a few questions. What can you tell me about CG ?
The guy stands silent, not understanding what the policeman is talking about. FY ? Again the man is unable to reply. Then the policeman says and what about DS ?
The man is getting anxious as he has never had any trouble before. What is this about? , he asks. Am I a suspect or something ?
The policeman smiles and reassures him . No sir, I am just making initial enquiries. |
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Ann Summers outlets are selling a new alcoholic vaginal gel that women can rub on their vagina.
So now when her guy goes down, he can have a bevvy as well.
However, anti-drink campaigners want it banned amid fears of minge-drinking. |
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A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...
??????
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A five-year-old boy asks his dad what the difference between a pussy and a cunt.
So his dad pulls the bedsheets off from the lower part of his wife, who is still sleeping in bed.
"That's a pussy" he says
"Great" said the boy. "Can I touch it?"
"No" said the dad. "If you touch the pussy, you'll wake the cunt up". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A five-year-old boy asks his dad what the difference between a pussy and a cunt.
So his dad pulls the bedsheets off from the lower part of his wife, who is still sleeping in bed.
"That's a pussy" he says
"Great" said the boy. "Can I touch it?"
"No" said the dad. "If you touch the pussy, you'll wake the cunt up"."
 |
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"A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...
??????
"
I think this ones great! |
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Three Parrots are for sale. £150, £250 and £10.
Woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?"
The shopkeeper replies "Because it used to live in a brothel."
The woman thinks it's funny and buys the parrot. When she gets home the parrot says, "Fuck me, a new brothel." The woman laughs.
Two of the woman's daughters come home and the parrot says "Fuck me, new prossies!"
The womans husband comes home and the parrot says "Fuck me Keith, I haven't seen you for weeks!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Weight Loss Program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week. |
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"
Weight Loss Program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
He lost 33 lbs that week."
A version of that was one of the first "dirty" jokes I can remember hearing at about the age of 8 or 9...it was the vision of the naked women that made it rude... To a 8 9 year old |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I saw Sinead O’Connor doing some birdwatching so I asked how she was doing. She said “So far it’s been 7 owls and 15 jays”"
Lol, how many people are going to sing that punchline to themselves! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I saw Sinead O’Connor doing some birdwatching so I asked how she was doing. She said “So far it’s been 7 owls and 15 jays”
Lol, how many people are going to sing that punchline to themselves!"
Haha - you’ll never know  |
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By *AYENCouple
over a year ago
Lincolnshire |
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom With hundreds and hundreds of cute cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them.
She was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf.
Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf.
And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, but she is quite impressed by his
sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking, after a while she finds herself thinking 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly and continue to kiss, the passion builds. . .
He romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip each other's clothes off and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of unrivalled passion with this sensitive guy they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over gently, strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom With hundreds and hundreds of cute cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them.
She was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf.
Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf.
And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, but she is quite impressed by his
sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking, after a while she finds herself thinking 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly and continue to kiss, the passion builds. . .
He romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip each other's clothes off and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of unrivalled passion with this sensitive guy they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over gently, strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'"
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Three Parrots are for sale. £150, £250 and £10.
Woman asks "Why is that parrot so cheap?"
The shopkeeper replies "Because it used to live in a brothel."
The woman thinks it's funny and buys the parrot. When she gets home the parrot says, "Fuck me, a new brothel." The woman laughs.
Two of the woman's daughters come home and the parrot says "Fuck me, new prossies!"
The womans husband comes home and the parrot says "Fuck me Keith, I haven't seen you for weeks!""
Funny |
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