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Is it domination?
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"Part of the role of a dominant is a duty of care to a submissive - checking they're ok not only during a scene but also before and after it - so that may be part of it. I don't actually believe a sub holds the power either - more it is shared equally between all involved - the submissive has the power to take their submission away, but just as equally a dominant has the power to give it back. Be very careful too - there are a lot of dominants who give themselves that title but actually know very little about D/s so it's important you understand it yourself and know exactly what you are looking for in a dominant, as well as the kind of submissive you think you are, so that you can identify those that are knowledgeable as well as those that are not. Without knowing more detail it's difficult to say regarding the scenario you describe but the thought did occur to me that the continual checking in while you were at work may well have been the over eager attentions of a typical single male on here who thinks he has got a bite. Not saying it was but that's one possibility."  | |||
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"Thanks guys, this has all been really helpful. And thanks for being understanding" Always remember you can never know too much, but you can definitely know too little
Of course posting questions here is always fine, and there are numerous knowledgeable people about ready to give advice and offer their thoughts - sadly though there are a lot that will offer misguided advice or see it as an opportunity to get a meet, so be careful and keep your wits about you.
It sounds to me like you're still finding your way in all this and to be honest having read your profile I'm not sure if you're confusing BDSM with a desire to be used (and I use that term loosely and with caution) in a gangbang loss of control way - and there is a difference between the two - so you need to be very careful to understand what exactly you are looking for and want for yourself - after all if you don't, how can you convey that to others and expect them to understand it?
My advice to anyone new to D/s, BDSM etc, or even those who aren't new, would be to read as much as you can and understand who you are and what you expect from that side of things, and also get an idea of the type of person you are looking for (beyond just "someone who is dominant"), complete some on-line BDSM questionnaires to help with this, and once you think you have read enough, read some more.
For your own sake, take a step back for a while and make sure you understand yourself and your needs, and always put them first - any decent dominant will always have them at the top of his/her mind. | |||
Reply privately (thread closed by moderator) | |||
"Thanks guys, this has all been really helpful. And thanks for being understanding Always remember you can never know too much, but you can definitely know too little
Of course posting questions here is always fine, and there are numerous knowledgeable people about ready to give advice and offer their thoughts - sadly though there are a lot that will offer misguided advice or see it as an opportunity to get a meet, so be careful and keep your wits about you.
It sounds to me like you're still finding your way in all this and to be honest having read your profile I'm not sure if you're confusing BDSM with a desire to be used (and I use that term loosely and with caution) in a gangbang loss of control way - and there is a difference between the two - so you need to be very careful to understand what exactly you are looking for and want for yourself - after all if you don't, how can you convey that to others and expect them to understand it?
My advice to anyone new to D/s, BDSM etc, or even those who aren't new, would be to read as much as you can and understand who you are and what you expect from that side of things, and also get an idea of the type of person you are looking for (beyond just "someone who is dominant"), complete some on-line BDSM questionnaires to help with this, and once you think you have read enough, read some more.
For your own sake, take a step back for a while and make sure you understand yourself and your needs, and always put them first - any decent dominant will always have them at the top of his/her mind." | |||
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"Part of the role of a dominant is a duty of care to a submissive - checking they're ok not only during a scene but also before and after it - so that may be part of it. I don't actually believe a sub holds the power either - more it is shared equally between all involved - the submissive has the power to take their submission away, but just as equally a dominant has the power to give it back. Be very careful too - there are a lot of dominants who give themselves that title but actually know very little about D/s so it's important you understand it yourself and know exactly what you are looking for in a dominant, as well as the kind of submissive you think you are, so that you can identify those that are knowledgeable as well as those that are not. Without knowing more detail it's difficult to say regarding the scenario you describe but the thought did occur to me that the continual checking in while you were at work may well have been the over eager attentions of a typical single male on here who thinks he has got a bite. Not saying it was but that's one possibility." I'd echo Gemini's words. If you like D&S, you can't learn too much about it. The more you learn, the more enjoyable it can be. It can be abused, or misused and cause damage though, by both parties, if inexperienced. Add S&M into the mix and there's a risk you could be badly physically hurt as well. A good Dom/Domme May temporarily ruin the 'Moment' And check on your well being, because they care. Also, you need to learn someone's body language, learn their limitations through exploration. Make sure the moans are pleasurable, not crying into a pillow, or silent in shock. It's worth being briefly removed from the moment for peace of mind.. for both people. The more you get to know one another, the less often a Dom/Domme may feel the need to verbally check in on you, because they know you well enough to no longer have to ask. That's when you can both start to relax a bit and then really let go. | |||
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"Constant or needy messages like that would definitely make me feel like that's a weakness on the part of the D. " Really? Some people are hard to read. Some are easy. I'd rather play on side of caution till I know for sure. | |||
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"Constant or needy messages like that would definitely make me feel like that's a weakness on the part of the D. " Hello btw  | |||
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"Please be very careful! The BDSM lifestyle offers amazing experiences, but many are not without risk. It’s so important to find the right Dominant, many of whom do not shout about their skills and experiences. You find them by chatting over time, checking compatibility and building trust. It’s not about a one off meet at a club where you are strapped to a wall and flogged or tied to a bed and gangbanged, (although of course for some D/s couples this is part but not all, of the shared experience). Although I am not seeking D/s play here, I have many years experience as a submissive and can confirm that there are some wonderful, highly experienced Dominants on Fab, some of whom I have been lucky enough to meet. I can spot what I refer to as a ‘50 shades Dominant’ easily. And believe me there are many of them here. I’m sure many of them genuinely believe they are Dominants. I agree with other posters here that these are indeed dominant men, rather than Dominants - but there is a world of difference! Please take the time to find out more about yourself and your needs, and take baby steps into the lifestyle once you have decided it’s definitely for you. It’s worth the effort. I hope this doesn’t come across as patronising, it’s not my intention. It’s just something that I feel strongly about. Take care x" I don't think it does at all  I think it's awesome advice | |||
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"Please be very careful! The BDSM lifestyle offers amazing experiences, but many are not without risk. It’s so important to find the right Dominant, many of whom do not shout about their skills and experiences. You find them by chatting over time, checking compatibility and building trust. It’s not about a one off meet at a club where you are strapped to a wall and flogged or tied to a bed and gangbanged, (although of course for some D/s couples this is part but not all, of the shared experience). Although I am not seeking D/s play here, I have many years experience as a submissive and can confirm that there are some wonderful, highly experienced Dominants on Fab, some of whom I have been lucky enough to meet. I can spot what I refer to as a ‘50 shades Dominant’ easily. And believe me there are many of them here. I’m sure many of them genuinely believe they are Dominants. I agree with other posters here that these are indeed dominant men, rather than Dominants - but there is a world of difference! Please take the time to find out more about yourself and your needs, and take baby steps into the lifestyle once you have decided it’s definitely for you. It’s worth the effort. I hope this doesn’t come across as patronising, it’s not my intention. It’s just something that I feel strongly about. Take care x I don't think it does at all I think it's awesome advice "But BDSM isn't S&D. Bondage and SadoMasochism isn't Submission and Domination. BDSM is about pain and restriction thresholds and exploration. S&D is about learning about natural dominance. Combined with a little psychology, in inexperienced or sinister hands, you can cause a great deal of damage to someone. Manipulating them into high risk situations that they'd otherwise not do of their own free will. Your 50Shades story line is a classic example of two pretty messed up individuals, doing pretty messed up stuff to each other, without understanding why they're doing it. Or the damage they're causing one another, or to themselves. S&D is something that can be appreciated without being manipulative in any way whatsoever. Through flirting eye to eye, noticing who is leading the conversation, who is steering the ship, if the dynamic changes over time, or in different situations. Just taking notice of the tiny things and acting on them. Most confidently. Empowering self confidence. Or just trusting them enough to be left to to do their thing. Liberating. Yes. Often BDSM and S&D often go together, but they're not strictly the same thing. I enjoy both natural and Roleplay S&D, but I'm only have very mild levelled limits in BDSM. I'm not keen on physical pain past a certain point, giving or receiving it. | |||
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"I agree with Gemini Man,MissPandora and most of Genghi Khan. To avoid a long response I will make one point. A friend of mine played with someone who she had done sensual rope with before, an experienced top. She ended up black and blue and psychologically damaged. I have always been of the view that it was up to the top/ dom to ensure the sub/bottom is 100% in agreement at all points of play/relationship. I was surprised by the number of people both, sub, dom and switch who said it was her own fault for a variety of reasons. Therefore it is not only knowing about kink but knowing with whom you are playing, having a full and proper negotiation, and not to be cowed in speaking out immediately if things go wrong. " It's ok, it'd be a dull world if we all agreed 100% on everything | |||
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"Impressive compilation of knowledge in this thread. I would like to add that I personally could never dominate someone in a casual one off encounter, for me it’s crucial that I know the sub well and more importantly, the sub knows me. I need to be able to look myself in the mirror the next day. Without a degree of intimacy and knowledge of the other person’s psyche (and vice versa) before engaging in D/S play there’s a high likelihood I will hate the reflection in the mirror. I believe this to be the case for both parties. I would be concerned about engaging with anyone who is keen on jumping straight into hardcore bondage on the 1st encounter. As for the “50 shades Dom” demographics, I’ve heard stories from Subs that bordered on criminal, some of them from Fab. Food for thought. " Two interesting points in this comment. I think it is assumed that doms who like the edgier play find no conflict between upbringing and desire. I found that permitting myself do the things I like to do and knowing that the sub wants and desires what I do allows me to look in the mirror. Would I "go medieval" on someone new, it would depend on the subs experience and desire and outcome of negotiation. The second point which is overlooked is some subs want an intense experience. It is a fine balance, I have been guilty of playing safe and leaving subs unsatisfied and have since adjusted my style accordingly. I think being on the same page is essential and if the sub does not want to have a thorough negotiation I would rather walk. | |||
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"I agree with Gemini Man,MissPandora and most of Genghi Khan. To avoid a long response I will make one point. A friend of mine played with someone who she had done sensual rope with before, an experienced top. She ended up black and blue and psychologically damaged. I have always been of the view that it was up to the top/ dom to ensure the sub/bottom is 100% in agreement at all points of play/relationship. I was surprised by the number of people both, sub, dom and switch who said it was her own fault for a variety of reasons. Therefore it is not only knowing about kink but knowing with whom you are playing, having a full and proper negotiation, and not to be cowed in speaking out immediately if things go wrong. It's ok, it'd be a dull world if we all agreed 100% on everything " | |||
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A dom needs to look after his sub, if I have a body shaking, crying orgasm he knows he needs to hold me and stroke my arms until I stop shaking | |||
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) and a few guys, when we used to attend Fetish clubs together.
I always found the guys seemed to be taking it on as a challenge of how much they could take before I had to stop. Majority of the time when blood would appear. This for me was too much and not in the spirit of what I wanted to do.
Submission and the act of inflicting pain is to make it sensual, a brief moment of hot pain but the warm feeling of being vulnerable and open to expressing another side to yourself and allow the other person control, but always maintaining a safe and completely consensual act, that in the end the submissive has the ability to stop anytime they choose.
This I feel takes real skill, so find the right person and it’s like great foreplay, but the wrong one just a sore bottom. | |||
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"Thanks guys, this has all been really helpful. And thanks for being understanding Always remember you can never know too much, but you can definitely know too little
Of course posting questions here is always fine, and there are numerous knowledgeable people about ready to give advice and offer their thoughts - sadly though there are a lot that will offer misguided advice or see it as an opportunity to get a meet, so be careful and keep your wits about you.
It sounds to me like you're still finding your way in all this and to be honest having read your profile I'm not sure if you're confusing BDSM with a desire to be used (and I use that term loosely and with caution) in a gangbang loss of control way - and there is a difference between the two - so you need to be very careful to understand what exactly you are looking for and want for yourself - after all if you don't, how can you convey that to others and expect them to understand it?
My advice to anyone new to D/s, BDSM etc, or even those who aren't new, would be to read as much as you can and understand who you are and what you expect from that side of things, and also get an idea of the type of person you are looking for (beyond just "someone who is dominant"), complete some on-line BDSM questionnaires to help with this, and once you think you have read enough, read some more.
For your own sake, take a step back for a while and make sure you understand yourself and your needs, and always put them first - any decent dominant will always have them at the top of his/her mind."I hear you, and that's what I'm thinking. I'm just going to park this for a while, have some fun in a safeish place and pick it up when i understand my wants a bit more. Thanks x | |||
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"Part of the role of a dominant is a duty of care to a submissive - checking they're ok not only during a scene but also before and after it - so that may be part of it. I don't actually believe a sub holds the power either - more it is shared equally between all involved - the submissive has the power to take their submission away, but just as equally a dominant has the power to give it back. Be very careful too - there are a lot of dominants who give themselves that title but actually know very little about D/s so it's important you understand it yourself and know exactly what you are looking for in a dominant, as well as the kind of submissive you think you are, so that you can identify those that are knowledgeable as well as those that are not. Without knowing more detail it's difficult to say regarding the scenario you describe but the thought did occur to me that the continual checking in while you were at work may well have been the over eager attentions of a typical single male on here who thinks he has got a bite. Not saying it was but that's one possibility. I'd echo Gemini's words. If you like D&S, you can't learn too much about it. The more you learn, the more enjoyable it can be. It can be abused, or misused and cause damage though, by both parties, if inexperienced. Add S&M into the mix and there's a risk you could be badly physically hurt as well. A good Dom/Domme May temporarily ruin the 'Moment' And check on your well being, because they care. Also, you need to learn someone's body language, learn their limitations through exploration. Make sure the moans are pleasurable, not crying into a pillow, or silent in shock. It's worth being briefly removed from the moment for peace of mind.. for both people. The more you get to know one another, the less often a Dom/Domme may feel the need to verbally check in on you, because they know you well enough to no longer have to ask. That's when you can both start to relax a bit and then really let go. " Thank you xx | |||
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"So as always this is not based on any one thing or aimed at anyone. It simply comes from my mind not switching off at 1am in the morning. It seems so easy to come online and label yourself a Dom, but is it truely that easy, just because you give yourself that title. Simply because you can order someone to suck your cock, you own a black shirt and leather trousers and you may even own a cane or two does not make you a Dom. Yes I will admit image, toys and even being able to give orders can be part of the overall package of being a Dom but on their own they dont make you a Dom. So I suppose we need to define what makes a good Dominant. So first of all is being a Dom nature or nurture. To me its a bit of both, I think some people are naturally Alpha males or Alpha Females but without learning the skills of Domination they would simply be dominant people. These skills are like any other, in the right enviroment and given the right tutors anyone can learn them. But just like any other lessons it comes down to how receptive the person is to learning them. Now the natural Alpha Male/Female part of someone helps them be more suited to taking on a Dominant role than someone who is not a Alpha. So what are the characteristics should we tell newbies to look out for when looking for a Dominant within the lifestyle. For me a good Dominant should have a strong sense of ethics, be honest and should be respectful of others no matter their position in life. In addition i feel a good Dominant should also possesses the very qualities of a normal descent person. Those of kindness, consideration, politeness, empathy, sympathy. There is also a need for Confidence not Arrogance (there is a big difference) Both confident and arrogant Doms have a strong belief in their own abilities. Those with confidence can easily overcome fears and uncertaint but also take ownership of their mistakes and learn from them. Arrogant people usually view themselves as superior and never admit their mistakes As there are many skills to the art of domination a good Dominant tends to show a eagerness to learn, to grow and to understand that they are on a journey, just as much as a submissive is when entering the life style. A common mistake that some Doms make is the idea that you have to be Domineering. They are easy to spot, as their attitude is brash and rude, their tone frequently crass and their treatment of submissives is generally negative and oppressive. A Dominant controls their submissive not by being overbearing or through the use of threats or by belittling another, but rather by working on a more subtle level, influencing their thoughts, desires, needs and hopes – and through the simple action of showing they care for them. They take responsibility for their submissive always being empathic towards them and sympathetic to their needs, knowing that for a submissive to give their best, they must be secure and confident in their submission. Indeed, it is fair to say that the good Dominant is guided by their empathy towards their submissive and is able to step away from the dynamic and be supportive of their submissive when needed. A good Dominant will instil trust and actively encourages communication. They do this by listen to their submissive and learn about them, their needs, hopes and desires. They also understand the importance of ongoing communication asall relationships grow and altee over time. Certainly, the good Dominant will work to avoid emotional harm and/or seek to rectify matters where such may occur, however unintended. And finally a good Dominant is a Dominant driven by love" I find it all fascinating x | |||
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"Thanks guys, this has all been really helpful. And thanks for being understanding Always remember you can never know too much, but you can definitely know too little
Of course posting questions here is always fine, and there are numerous knowledgeable people about ready to give advice and offer their thoughts - sadly though there are a lot that will offer misguided advice or see it as an opportunity to get a meet, so be careful and keep your wits about you.
It sounds to me like you're still finding your way in all this and to be honest having read your profile I'm not sure if you're confusing BDSM with a desire to be used (and I use that term loosely and with caution) in a gangbang loss of control way - and there is a difference between the two - so you need to be very careful to understand what exactly you are looking for and want for yourself - after all if you don't, how can you convey that to others and expect them to understand it?
My advice to anyone new to D/s, BDSM etc, or even those who aren't new, would be to read as much as you can and understand who you are and what you expect from that side of things, and also get an idea of the type of person you are looking for (beyond just "someone who is dominant"), complete some on-line BDSM questionnaires to help with this, and once you think you have read enough, read some more.
For your own sake, take a step back for a while and make sure you understand yourself and your needs, and always put them first - any decent dominant will always have them at the top of his/her mind."you need to do much more than read on the topic. You need to join the real scene. Get an insight into what exactly goes on. I've been doing bdsm over 35 years and I'm still searching. The bdsm scene is vast and 50 shades stuff it is definately not | |||
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"So as always this is not based on any one thing or aimed at anyone. It simply comes from my mind not switching off at 1am in the morning. It seems so easy to come online and label yourself a Dom, but is it truely that easy, just because you give yourself that title. Simply because you can order someone to suck your cock, you own a black shirt and leather trousers and you may even own a cane or two does not make you a Dom. Yes I will admit image, toys and even being able to give orders can be part of the overall package of being a Dom but on their own they dont make you a Dom. So I suppose we need to define what makes a good Dominant. So first of all is being a Dom nature or nurture. To me its a bit of both, I think some people are naturally Alpha males or Alpha Females but without learning the skills of Domination they would simply be dominant people. These skills are like any other, in the right enviroment and given the right tutors anyone can learn them. But just like any other lessons it comes down to how receptive the person is to learning them. Now the natural Alpha Male/Female part of someone helps them be more suited to taking on a Dominant role than someone who is not a Alpha. So what are the characteristics should we tell newbies to look out for when looking for a Dominant within the lifestyle. For me a good Dominant should have a strong sense of ethics, be honest and should be respectful of others no matter their position in life. In addition i feel a good Dominant should also possesses the very qualities of a normal descent person. Those of kindness, consideration, politeness, empathy, sympathy. There is also a need for Confidence not Arrogance (there is a big difference) Both confident and arrogant Doms have a strong belief in their own abilities. Those with confidence can easily overcome fears and uncertaint but also take ownership of their mistakes and learn from them. Arrogant people usually view themselves as superior and never admit their mistakes As there are many skills to the art of domination a good Dominant tends to show a eagerness to learn, to grow and to understand that they are on a journey, just as much as a submissive is when entering the life style. A common mistake that some Doms make is the idea that you have to be Domineering. They are easy to spot, as their attitude is brash and rude, their tone frequently crass and their treatment of submissives is generally negative and oppressive. A Dominant controls their submissive not by being overbearing or through the use of threats or by belittling another, but rather by working on a more subtle level, influencing their thoughts, desires, needs and hopes – and through the simple action of showing they care for them. They take responsibility for their submissive always being empathic towards them and sympathetic to their needs, knowing that for a submissive to give their best, they must be secure and confident in their submission. Indeed, it is fair to say that the good Dominant is guided by their empathy towards their submissive and is able to step away from the dynamic and be supportive of their submissive when needed. A good Dominant will instil trust and actively encourages communication. They do this by listen to their submissive and learn about them, their needs, hopes and desires. They also understand the importance of ongoing communication asall relationships grow and altee over time. Certainly, the good Dominant will work to avoid emotional harm and/or seek to rectify matters where such may occur, however unintended. And finally a good Dominant is a Dominant driven by love I find it all fascinating x" So do I X i have written a number of things about the lifestyle and find the mental side and pyschological side of BDSM/kink etc fascinating xx | |||
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"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is?" A dominant is a caring and nurturing personality. They are an alpha personality, but will only take charge based on your personal boundaries and limits. They have a duty of care, so checking that you are okay, is actually a great dominant trait, that a genuine dominant will have. Perhaps you need to look at other dynamics, such as the Master/slave and sadist/masochist. Do some research, so you know truly what it is you are looking for | |||
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"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is? A dominant is a caring and nurturing personality. They are an alpha personality, but will only take charge based on your personal boundaries and limits. They have a duty of care, so checking that you are okay, is actually a great dominant trait, that a genuine dominant will have. Perhaps you need to look at other dynamics, such as the Master/slave and sadist/masochist. Do some research, so you know truly what it is you are looking for "Alpha? Men who like to hurt women? Nothing Alpha about that. Most of these men are unsuccessful with women. | |||
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"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is? A dominant is a caring and nurturing personality. They are an alpha personality, but will only take charge based on your personal boundaries and limits. They have a duty of care, so checking that you are okay, is actually a great dominant trait, that a genuine dominant will have. Perhaps you need to look at other dynamics, such as the Master/slave and sadist/masochist. Do some research, so you know truly what it is you are looking for Alpha? Men who like to hurt women? Nothing Alpha about that. Most of these men are unsuccessful with women. "There is a difference between and alpha/Dom male and an abuser. A true alpha make is confident and vabuserod at reading people. They don't go round hurting women. As I said that's an abuser. Unless you are saying that consensual BDSM is just about hurting women | |||
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"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is? A dominant is a caring and nurturing personality. They are an alpha personality, but will only take charge based on your personal boundaries and limits. They have a duty of care, so checking that you are okay, is actually a great dominant trait, that a genuine dominant will have. Perhaps you need to look at other dynamics, such as the Master/slave and sadist/masochist. Do some research, so you know truly what it is you are looking for Alpha? Men who like to hurt women? Nothing Alpha about that. Most of these men are unsuccessful with women.
There is a difference between and alpha/Dom male and an abuser.
A true alpha make is confident and vabuserod at reading people. They don't go round hurting women. As I said that's an abuser.
Unless you are saying that consensual BDSM is just about hurting women
"A real man doesn't hurt women. Some of that shit is just abuse, it makes me sick. | |||
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"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is? A dominant is a caring and nurturing personality. They are an alpha personality, but will only take charge based on your personal boundaries and limits. They have a duty of care, so checking that you are okay, is actually a great dominant trait, that a genuine dominant will have. Perhaps you need to look at other dynamics, such as the Master/slave and sadist/masochist. Do some research, so you know truly what it is you are looking for Alpha? Men who like to hurt women? Nothing Alpha about that. Most of these men are unsuccessful with women.
There is a difference between and alpha/Dom male and an abuser.
A true alpha make is confident and vabuserod at reading people. They don't go round hurting women. As I said that's an abuser.
Unless you are saying that consensual BDSM is just about hurting women
A real man doesn't hurt women. Some of that shit is just abuse, it makes me sick."Then you don't really understand anything about the BDSM lifestyle and the fact that there are just as many female dommes in the lifestyle playing with male and female subs. It all comes down to consent. So have you never spanked a women's ass when playing with them ?? | |||
Reply privately (thread closed by moderator) | |||
"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is? A dominant is a caring and nurturing personality. They are an alpha personality, but will only take charge based on your personal boundaries and limits. They have a duty of care, so checking that you are okay, is actually a great dominant trait, that a genuine dominant will have. Perhaps you need to look at other dynamics, such as the Master/slave and sadist/masochist. Do some research, so you know truly what it is you are looking for Alpha? Men who like to hurt women? Nothing Alpha about that. Most of these men are unsuccessful with women.
There is a difference between and alpha/Dom male and an abuser.
A true alpha make is confident and vabuserod at reading people. They don't go round hurting women. As I said that's an abuser.
Unless you are saying that consensual BDSM is just about hurting women
A real man doesn't hurt women. Some of that shit is just abuse, it makes me sick.
Then you don't really understand anything about the BDSM lifestyle and the fact that there are just as many female dommes in the lifestyle playing with male and female subs.
It all comes down to consent.
So have you never spanked a women's ass when playing with them ??"Seen some pretty horrific things lately. I'd say some of these people are not compos mentis. I don't wanna understand it. Not for me. | |||
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"I don't think any of the men who posted good advice on this thread struggle with meets. Whether that makes them alpha or not is another question in itself." I guess it depends on your interpretation of alpha. If it means they have such natural charisma they can lead people through force of will alone, then I'd say Alpha Makes and Females exist. As much as they do in the Animal Kingdom. | |||
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"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is? A dominant is a caring and nurturing personality. They are an alpha personality, but will only take charge based on your personal boundaries and limits. They have a duty of care, so checking that you are okay, is actually a great dominant trait, that a genuine dominant will have. Perhaps you need to look at other dynamics, such as the Master/slave and sadist/masochist. Do some research, so you know truly what it is you are looking for Alpha? Men who like to hurt women? Nothing Alpha about that. Most of these men are unsuccessful with women.
There is a difference between and alpha/Dom male and an abuser.
A true alpha make is confident and vabuserod at reading people. They don't go round hurting women. As I said that's an abuser.
Unless you are saying that consensual BDSM is just about hurting women
A real man doesn't hurt women. Some of that shit is just abuse, it makes me sick.
Then you don't really understand anything about the BDSM lifestyle and the fact that there are just as many female dommes in the lifestyle playing with male and female subs.
It all comes down to consent.
So have you never spanked a women's ass when playing with them ??"I think those that don't understand the lifestyle, will always have a closed minded opinion. There are also different dynamics. The sensual dominant, the psychological dominant. It's primarily about control and all done with consent. | |||
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"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is? A dominant is a caring and nurturing personality. They are an alpha personality, but will only take charge based on your personal boundaries and limits. They have a duty of care, so checking that you are okay, is actually a great dominant trait, that a genuine dominant will have. Perhaps you need to look at other dynamics, such as the Master/slave and sadist/masochist. Do some research, so you know truly what it is you are looking for Alpha? Men who like to hurt women? Nothing Alpha about that. Most of these men are unsuccessful with women.
There is a difference between and alpha/Dom male and an abuser.
A true alpha make is confident and vabuserod at reading people. They don't go round hurting women. As I said that's an abuser.
Unless you are saying that consensual BDSM is just about hurting women
A real man doesn't hurt women. Some of that shit is just abuse, it makes me sick.
Then you don't really understand anything about the BDSM lifestyle and the fact that there are just as many female dommes in the lifestyle playing with male and female subs.
It all comes down to consent.
So have you never spanked a women's ass when playing with them ?? Seen some pretty horrific things lately. I'd say some of these people are not compos mentis. I don't wanna understand it. Not for me."And that's fine it's not for you but don't make sweeping statements accusing people who are consensually playing in that role are abusing women. You will find those that take the BDSM lifestyle seriously and know what they are doing tend to stick to boundaries set up and all play has been decided and limits set before any play takes place. | |||
Reply privately (thread closed by moderator) | |||
"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is? A dominant is a caring and nurturing personality. They are an alpha personality, but will only take charge based on your personal boundaries and limits. They have a duty of care, so checking that you are okay, is actually a great dominant trait, that a genuine dominant will have. Perhaps you need to look at other dynamics, such as the Master/slave and sadist/masochist. Do some research, so you know truly what it is you are looking for Alpha? Men who like to hurt women? Nothing Alpha about that. Most of these men are unsuccessful with women.
There is a difference between and alpha/Dom male and an abuser.
A true alpha make is confident and vabuserod at reading people. They don't go round hurting women. As I said that's an abuser.
Unless you are saying that consensual BDSM is just about hurting women
A real man doesn't hurt women. Some of that shit is just abuse, it makes me sick.
Then you don't really understand anything about the BDSM lifestyle and the fact that there are just as many female dommes in the lifestyle playing with male and female subs.
It all comes down to consent.
So have you never spanked a women's ass when playing with them ?? Seen some pretty horrific things lately. I'd say some of these people are not compos mentis. I don't wanna understand it. Not for me."That's fair enough. It's not for everyone | |||
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"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is? A dominant is a caring and nurturing personality. They are an alpha personality, but will only take charge based on your personal boundaries and limits. They have a duty of care, so checking that you are okay, is actually a great dominant trait, that a genuine dominant will have. Perhaps you need to look at other dynamics, such as the Master/slave and sadist/masochist. Do some research, so you know truly what it is you are looking for Alpha? Men who like to hurt women? Nothing Alpha about that. Most of these men are unsuccessful with women.
There is a difference between and alpha/Dom male and an abuser.
A true alpha make is confident and vabuserod at reading people. They don't go round hurting women. As I said that's an abuser.
Unless you are saying that consensual BDSM is just about hurting women
A real man doesn't hurt women. Some of that shit is just abuse, it makes me sick.
Then you don't really understand anything about the BDSM lifestyle and the fact that there are just as many female dommes in the lifestyle playing with male and female subs.
It all comes down to consent.
So have you never spanked a women's ass when playing with them ?? Seen some pretty horrific things lately. I'd say some of these people are not compos mentis. I don't wanna understand it. Not for me.
And that's fine it's not for you but don't make sweeping statements accusing people who are consensually playing in that role are abusing women.
You will find those that take the BDSM lifestyle seriously and know what they are doing tend to stick to boundaries set up and all play has been decided and limits set before any play takes place. "Yeah and I think if people are ill that their consent shouldn't count. I'm talking more the scarring and mutilation. | |||
Reply privately (thread closed by moderator) | |||
"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is? A dominant is a caring and nurturing personality. They are an alpha personality, but will only take charge based on your personal boundaries and limits. They have a duty of care, so checking that you are okay, is actually a great dominant trait, that a genuine dominant will have. Perhaps you need to look at other dynamics, such as the Master/slave and sadist/masochist. Do some research, so you know truly what it is you are looking for Alpha? Men who like to hurt women? Nothing Alpha about that. Most of these men are unsuccessful with women.
There is a difference between and alpha/Dom male and an abuser.
A true alpha make is confident and vabuserod at reading people. They don't go round hurting women. As I said that's an abuser.
Unless you are saying that consensual BDSM is just about hurting women
A real man doesn't hurt women. Some of that shit is just abuse, it makes me sick.
Then you don't really understand anything about the BDSM lifestyle and the fact that there are just as many female dommes in the lifestyle playing with male and female subs.
It all comes down to consent.
So have you never spanked a women's ass when playing with them ?? Seen some pretty horrific things lately. I'd say some of these people are not compos mentis. I don't wanna understand it. Not for me.
And that's fine it's not for you but don't make sweeping statements accusing people who are consensually playing in that role are abusing women.
You will find those that take the BDSM lifestyle seriously and know what they are doing tend to stick to boundaries set up and all play has been decided and limits set before any play takes place. Yeah and I think if people are ill that their consent shouldn't count. I'm talking more the scarring and mutilation."So your now qualified to say who is mentally sound of mind. Or are you dismissing the thousands of people in the lifestyle as all mentally unfit. Interesting to think then that most of society would say those that swing and want to sleep with multiple persons are mentally unsound so using your logic no one in here is mentally fit to give consent | |||
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"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is? A dominant is a caring and nurturing personality. They are an alpha personality, but will only take charge based on your personal boundaries and limits. They have a duty of care, so checking that you are okay, is actually a great dominant trait, that a genuine dominant will have. Perhaps you need to look at other dynamics, such as the Master/slave and sadist/masochist. Do some research, so you know truly what it is you are looking for Alpha? Men who like to hurt women? Nothing Alpha about that. Most of these men are unsuccessful with women.
There is a difference between and alpha/Dom male and an abuser.
A true alpha make is confident and vabuserod at reading people. They don't go round hurting women. As I said that's an abuser.
Unless you are saying that consensual BDSM is just about hurting women
A real man doesn't hurt women. Some of that shit is just abuse, it makes me sick.
Then you don't really understand anything about the BDSM lifestyle and the fact that there are just as many female dommes in the lifestyle playing with male and female subs.
It all comes down to consent.
So have you never spanked a women's ass when playing with them ?? Seen some pretty horrific things lately. I'd say some of these people are not compos mentis. I don't wanna understand it. Not for me.
And that's fine it's not for you but don't make sweeping statements accusing people who are consensually playing in that role are abusing women.
You will find those that take the BDSM lifestyle seriously and know what they are doing tend to stick to boundaries set up and all play has been decided and limits set before any play takes place. Yeah and I think if people are ill that their consent shouldn't count. I'm talking more the scarring and mutilation.
So your now qualified to say who is mentally sound of mind. Or are you dismissing the thousands of people in the lifestyle as all mentally unfit.
Interesting to think then that most of society would say those that swing and want to sleep with multiple persons are mentally unsound so using your logic no one in here is mentally fit to give consent "I have my moments of instability | |||
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"So as always this is not based on any one thing or aimed at anyone. It simply comes from my mind not switching off at 1am in the morning. It seems so easy to come online and label yourself a Dom, but is it truely that easy, just because you give yourself that title. Simply because you can order someone to suck your cock, you own a black shirt and leather trousers and you may even own a cane or two does not make you a Dom. Yes I will admit image, toys and even being able to give orders can be part of the overall package of being a Dom but on their own they dont make you a Dom. So I suppose we need to define what makes a good Dominant. So first of all is being a Dom nature or nurture. To me its a bit of both, I think some people are naturally Alpha males or Alpha Females but without learning the skills of Domination they would simply be dominant people. These skills are like any other, in the right enviroment and given the right tutors anyone can learn them. But just like any other lessons it comes down to how receptive the person is to learning them. Now the natural Alpha Male/Female part of someone helps them be more suited to taking on a Dominant role than someone who is not a Alpha. So what are the characteristics should we tell newbies to look out for when looking for a Dominant within the lifestyle. For me a good Dominant should have a strong sense of ethics, be honest and should be respectful of others no matter their position in life. In addition i feel a good Dominant should also possesses the very qualities of a normal descent person. Those of kindness, consideration, politeness, empathy, sympathy. There is also a need for Confidence not Arrogance (there is a big difference) Both confident and arrogant Doms have a strong belief in their own abilities. Those with confidence can easily overcome fears and uncertaint but also take ownership of their mistakes and learn from them. Arrogant people usually view themselves as superior and never admit their mistakes As there are many skills to the art of domination a good Dominant tends to show a eagerness to learn, to grow and to understand that they are on a journey, just as much as a submissive is when entering the life style. A common mistake that some Doms make is the idea that you have to be Domineering. They are easy to spot, as their attitude is brash and rude, their tone frequently crass and their treatment of submissives is generally negative and oppressive. A Dominant controls their submissive not by being overbearing or through the use of threats or by belittling another, but rather by working on a more subtle level, influencing their thoughts, desires, needs and hopes – and through the simple action of showing they care for them. They take responsibility for their submissive always being empathic towards them and sympathetic to their needs, knowing that for a submissive to give their best, they must be secure and confident in their submission. Indeed, it is fair to say that the good Dominant is guided by their empathy towards their submissive and is able to step away from the dynamic and be supportive of their submissive when needed. A good Dominant will instil trust and actively encourages communication. They do this by listen to their submissive and learn about them, their needs, hopes and desires. They also understand the importance of ongoing communication asall relationships grow and altee over time. Certainly, the good Dominant will work to avoid emotional harm and/or seek to rectify matters where such may occur, however unintended. And finally a good Dominant is a Dominant driven by love" Wow what an answer..... I'm in love lol | |||
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"So as always this is not based on any one thing or aimed at anyone. It simply comes from my mind not switching off at 1am in the morning. It seems so easy to come online and label yourself a Dom, but is it truely that easy, just because you give yourself that title. Simply because you can order someone to suck your cock, you own a black shirt and leather trousers and you may even own a cane or two does not make you a Dom. Yes I will admit image, toys and even being able to give orders can be part of the overall package of being a Dom but on their own they dont make you a Dom. So I suppose we need to define what makes a good Dominant. So first of all is being a Dom nature or nurture. To me its a bit of both, I think some people are naturally Alpha males or Alpha Females but without learning the skills of Domination they would simply be dominant people. These skills are like any other, in the right enviroment and given the right tutors anyone can learn them. But just like any other lessons it comes down to how receptive the person is to learning them. Now the natural Alpha Male/Female part of someone helps them be more suited to taking on a Dominant role than someone who is not a Alpha. So what are the characteristics should we tell newbies to look out for when looking for a Dominant within the lifestyle. For me a good Dominant should have a strong sense of ethics, be honest and should be respectful of others no matter their position in life. In addition i feel a good Dominant should also possesses the very qualities of a normal descent person. Those of kindness, consideration, politeness, empathy, sympathy. There is also a need for Confidence not Arrogance (there is a big difference) Both confident and arrogant Doms have a strong belief in their own abilities. Those with confidence can easily overcome fears and uncertaint but also take ownership of their mistakes and learn from them. Arrogant people usually view themselves as superior and never admit their mistakes As there are many skills to the art of domination a good Dominant tends to show a eagerness to learn, to grow and to understand that they are on a journey, just as much as a submissive is when entering the life style. A common mistake that some Doms make is the idea that you have to be Domineering. They are easy to spot, as their attitude is brash and rude, their tone frequently crass and their treatment of submissives is generally negative and oppressive. A Dominant controls their submissive not by being overbearing or through the use of threats or by belittling another, but rather by working on a more subtle level, influencing their thoughts, desires, needs and hopes – and through the simple action of showing they care for them. They take responsibility for their submissive always being empathic towards them and sympathetic to their needs, knowing that for a submissive to give their best, they must be secure and confident in their submission. Indeed, it is fair to say that the good Dominant is guided by their empathy towards their submissive and is able to step away from the dynamic and be supportive of their submissive when needed. A good Dominant will instil trust and actively encourages communication. They do this by listen to their submissive and learn about them, their needs, hopes and desires. They also understand the importance of ongoing communication asall relationships grow and altee over time. Certainly, the good Dominant will work to avoid emotional harm and/or seek to rectify matters where such may occur, however unintended. And finally a good Dominant is a Dominant driven by love Wow what an answer..... I'm in love lol" Thank you lol xxx | |||
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"I always find it amazing peoples differing thoughts and opinions about aspects of life, specially when they have little or no real knowledge about the aspect in question. So some of the ladies at my work place have been talking 50 Shades because apparently the new film is out soon. There was a general mix off mmmm hes hot to how can you watch something that is so abusive to women and glorifies Domestic Abuse. One lady went on a rant that any man she found out was doing that she would report them to the police as an abuser. I did not wade in on the defensive as people at my work do not know all about my lifestyle choice. But simply asked two questions. 1. What if its consensual 2. What about females who have male submissives. She thought for a minute and came back with, "you can not consent to that. The female has obviously been emotionally conditioned and brainwashed to do what ever the man says" And second question was answered. Well men a pervs anyway they would just get off on it. I then asked if she would call the police on the female she found doing the same things and what a surprise she said no he properly deserved it. Anyway at this moment I was biting my tongue real hard not to speak my mind. (As a friend pointed out i would not get a career in the diplomatic service). Now I totally agree Abuse happens within the community and have spent time with many newbie subs and doms to help them find where they fit and what are the positive and negative aspects of BDSM. But one comment she made did strike a chord with me and some things I have seen happen within the community. That is new submissive believing, that to be a submissive you simply have to do anything a Dom tells you to do, and the Doms word is final. Also that as someone is a Dom they know what they are doing so do not question. In truth I agree with part of what my work collegue said. With that understanding a submissive (male or female) could find themselves in a dangerous situation or even an abusive relationship. When ever i talk to a newbie I try and help them understand that a submissive not only has the right to be treated with respect, for me they have the right to hold a anyone accountable for any lack of respect. I also think some people see that being submissive makes someone a doormat or less of a person. The word “submissive” simply describes one aspect of their nature but has no bearing on them as a human being and as such how they are treated. Also every submissive has the right to feel safe. Being a submissive should not make the m feel afraid, insecure or threatened. Submission is not about living on the edge or living in fear. Its being able to feel safe enough to give themselves over to their Dom, to truely surrender knowing that their Dom has their safety at the heart of all they do. We should strive to make a safe enviroment so a submissive is able to discuss their emotions, worries and fears. Postive and negative emotions make us who we are if you are unable to talk about them in a safe enviroment and they feel they have to suppress them, it will only cause unhappiness in the future. Also failing to express negative feelings could give the mistaken impression to a Dom that a submissive is pleased or satisfied with something that is not pleasurable or agreeable. By creating a safe enviroment the submissive feels safe in the knowledge that a NO will be respected. But it also helps create an enviroment where they can talk into the relationship and have their say, a place where they feel they belong and most importantly a feeling of being loved. To me this is the most important part, if anyone says that love doesn’t fit into a D/s relationship to me they have never experienced the fulfillment of all it truly can be. I can not be who I am without love. I have also found that submissives are by nature loving and needing of love and have every right to expect this to be a part of their lives. It takes love and caring to bring their submission into full bloom and as such creating an amazing D/s dynamic." Wow ! Excellent post and very accurate in my opinion | |||
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"I always find it amazing peoples differing thoughts and opinions about aspects of life, specially when they have little or no real knowledge about the aspect in question. So some of the ladies at my work place have been talking 50 Shades because apparently the new film is out soon. There was a general mix off mmmm hes hot to how can you watch something that is so abusive to women and glorifies Domestic Abuse. One lady went on a rant that any man she found out was doing that she would report them to the police as an abuser. I did not wade in on the defensive as people at my work do not know all about my lifestyle choice. But simply asked two questions. 1. What if its consensual 2. What about females who have male submissives. She thought for a minute and came back with, "you can not consent to that. The female has obviously been emotionally conditioned and brainwashed to do what ever the man says" And second question was answered. Well men a pervs anyway they would just get off on it. I then asked if she would call the police on the female she found doing the same things and what a surprise she said no he properly deserved it. Anyway at this moment I was biting my tongue real hard not to speak my mind. (As a friend pointed out i would not get a career in the diplomatic service). Now I totally agree Abuse happens within the community and have spent time with many newbie subs and doms to help them find where they fit and what are the positive and negative aspects of BDSM. But one comment she made did strike a chord with me and some things I have seen happen within the community. That is new submissive believing, that to be a submissive you simply have to do anything a Dom tells you to do, and the Doms word is final. Also that as someone is a Dom they know what they are doing so do not question. In truth I agree with part of what my work collegue said. With that understanding a submissive (male or female) could find themselves in a dangerous situation or even an abusive relationship. When ever i talk to a newbie I try and help them understand that a submissive not only has the right to be treated with respect, for me they have the right to hold a anyone accountable for any lack of respect. I also think some people see that being submissive makes someone a doormat or less of a person. The word “submissive” simply describes one aspect of their nature but has no bearing on them as a human being and as such how they are treated. Also every submissive has the right to feel safe. Being a submissive should not make the m feel afraid, insecure or threatened. Submission is not about living on the edge or living in fear. Its being able to feel safe enough to give themselves over to their Dom, to truely surrender knowing that their Dom has their safety at the heart of all they do. We should strive to make a safe enviroment so a submissive is able to discuss their emotions, worries and fears. Postive and negative emotions make us who we are if you are unable to talk about them in a safe enviroment and they feel they have to suppress them, it will only cause unhappiness in the future. Also failing to express negative feelings could give the mistaken impression to a Dom that a submissive is pleased or satisfied with something that is not pleasurable or agreeable. By creating a safe enviroment the submissive feels safe in the knowledge that a NO will be respected. But it also helps create an enviroment where they can talk into the relationship and have their say, a place where they feel they belong and most importantly a feeling of being loved. To me this is the most important part, if anyone says that love doesn’t fit into a D/s relationship to me they have never experienced the fulfillment of all it truly can be. I can not be who I am without love. I have also found that submissives are by nature loving and needing of love and have every right to expect this to be a part of their lives. It takes love and caring to bring their submission into full bloom and as such creating an amazing D/s dynamic. Wow ! Excellent post and very accurate in my opinion "Thank you xx | |||
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"you need to do much more than read on the topic. You need to join the real scene. Get an insight into what exactly goes on. I've been doing bdsm over 35 years and I'm still searching. The bdsm scene is vast and 50 shades stuff it is definately not " Whilst it's true that munches and the like are invaluable sources of learning about the lifestyle - in this instance I did not suggest it at this stage primarily because I'm not entirely sure that what the OP seeks is BDSM - hence my suggestion that she should first decide what it actually is that she seeks - her profile, and story linked from it, suggest something somewhat different - so my suggestion to do some soul searching and reading stands. And please don't think my suggested reading material is *those* books - that couldn't be further from the truth. And Mr Blonde, my friend, once again you are letting your ignorance and lack of understanding of a subject shine through - whilst it's true that there are those on both sides of the BDSM coin whose ignorance is dangerous and *can* lead to the kind of abuse you describe, they are not representative of the BDSM community and what it actually stands for which is vastly different from what you describe - please don't confuse abuse with consensual BDSM play - they are wholly different and at opposite ends of the spectrum. | |||
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"you need to do much more than read on the topic. You need to join the real scene. Get an insight into what exactly goes on. I've been doing bdsm over 35 years and I'm still searching. The bdsm scene is vast and 50 shades stuff it is definately not Whilst it's true that munches and the like are invaluable sources of learning about the lifestyle - in this instance I did not suggest it at this stage primarily because I'm not entirely sure that what the OP seeks is BDSM - hence my suggestion that she should first decide what it actually is that she seeks - her profile, and story linked from it, suggest something somewhat different - so my suggestion to do some soul searching and reading stands. And please don't think my suggested reading material is *those* books - that couldn't be further from the truth. And Mr Blonde, my friend, once again you are letting your ignorance and lack of understanding of a subject shine through - whilst it's true that there are those on both sides of the BDSM coin whose ignorance is dangerous and *can* lead to the kind of abuse you describe, they are not representative of the BDSM community and what it actually stands for which is vastly different from what you describe - please don't confuse abuse with consensual BDSM play - they are wholly different and at opposite ends of the spectrum." | |||
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"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is? A dominant is a caring and nurturing personality. They are an alpha personality, but will only take charge based on your personal boundaries and limits. They have a duty of care, so checking that you are okay, is actually a great dominant trait, that a genuine dominant will have. Perhaps you need to look at other dynamics, such as the Master/slave and sadist/masochist. Do some research, so you know truly what it is you are looking for Alpha? Men who like to hurt women? Nothing Alpha about that. Most of these men are unsuccessful with women.
There is a difference between and alpha/Dom male and an abuser.
A true alpha make is confident and vabuserod at reading people. They don't go round hurting women. As I said that's an abuser.
Unless you are saying that consensual BDSM is just about hurting women
A real man doesn't hurt women. Some of that shit is just abuse, it makes me sick.
Then you don't really understand anything about the BDSM lifestyle and the fact that there are just as many female dommes in the lifestyle playing with male and female subs.
It all comes down to consent.
So have you never spanked a women's ass when playing with them ?? Seen some pretty horrific things lately. I'd say some of these people are not compos mentis. I don't wanna understand it. Not for me.
And that's fine it's not for you but don't make sweeping statements accusing people who are consensually playing in that role are abusing women.
You will find those that take the BDSM lifestyle seriously and know what they are doing tend to stick to boundaries set up and all play has been decided and limits set before any play takes place. Yeah and I think if people are ill that their consent shouldn't count. I'm talking more the scarring and mutilation.
So your now qualified to say who is mentally sound of mind. Or are you dismissing the thousands of people in the lifestyle as all mentally unfit.
Interesting to think then that most of society would say those that swing and want to sleep with multiple persons are mentally unsound so using your logic no one in here is mentally fit to give consent "If you did a psych evaluation, I bet barely any participating in the hardcore stuff would pass. Swingers aren't scarring their body for life with epithets though. | |||
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"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is? A dominant is a caring and nurturing personality. They are an alpha personality, but will only take charge based on your personal boundaries and limits. They have a duty of care, so checking that you are okay, is actually a great dominant trait, that a genuine dominant will have. Perhaps you need to look at other dynamics, such as the Master/slave and sadist/masochist. Do some research, so you know truly what it is you are looking for Alpha? Men who like to hurt women? Nothing Alpha about that. Most of these men are unsuccessful with women.
There is a difference between and alpha/Dom male and an abuser.
A true alpha make is confident and vabuserod at reading people. They don't go round hurting women. As I said that's an abuser.
Unless you are saying that consensual BDSM is just about hurting women
A real man doesn't hurt women. Some of that shit is just abuse, it makes me sick.
Then you don't really understand anything about the BDSM lifestyle and the fact that there are just as many female dommes in the lifestyle playing with male and female subs.
It all comes down to consent.
So have you never spanked a women's ass when playing with them ?? Seen some pretty horrific things lately. I'd say some of these people are not compos mentis. I don't wanna understand it. Not for me.
And that's fine it's not for you but don't make sweeping statements accusing people who are consensually playing in that role are abusing women.
You will find those that take the BDSM lifestyle seriously and know what they are doing tend to stick to boundaries set up and all play has been decided and limits set before any play takes place. Yeah and I think if people are ill that their consent shouldn't count. I'm talking more the scarring and mutilation.
So your now qualified to say who is mentally sound of mind. Or are you dismissing the thousands of people in the lifestyle as all mentally unfit.
Interesting to think then that most of society would say those that swing and want to sleep with multiple persons are mentally unsound so using your logic no one in here is mentally fit to give consent If you did a psych evaluation, I bet barely any participating in the hardcore stuff would pass. Swingers aren't scarring their body for life with epithets though.
"You love the sweeping statements don't you. Specially when there is no proof to back them up. | |||
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"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is? A dominant is a caring and nurturing personality. They are an alpha personality, but will only take charge based on your personal boundaries and limits. They have a duty of care, so checking that you are okay, is actually a great dominant trait, that a genuine dominant will have. Perhaps you need to look at other dynamics, such as the Master/slave and sadist/masochist. Do some research, so you know truly what it is you are looking for Alpha? Men who like to hurt women? Nothing Alpha about that. Most of these men are unsuccessful with women.
There is a difference between and alpha/Dom male and an abuser.
A true alpha make is confident and vabuserod at reading people. They don't go round hurting women. As I said that's an abuser.
Unless you are saying that consensual BDSM is just about hurting women
A real man doesn't hurt women. Some of that shit is just abuse, it makes me sick.
Then you don't really understand anything about the BDSM lifestyle and the fact that there are just as many female dommes in the lifestyle playing with male and female subs.
It all comes down to consent.
So have you never spanked a women's ass when playing with them ?? Seen some pretty horrific things lately. I'd say some of these people are not compos mentis. I don't wanna understand it. Not for me.
And that's fine it's not for you but don't make sweeping statements accusing people who are consensually playing in that role are abusing women.
You will find those that take the BDSM lifestyle seriously and know what they are doing tend to stick to boundaries set up and all play has been decided and limits set before any play takes place. Yeah and I think if people are ill that their consent shouldn't count. I'm talking more the scarring and mutilation.
So your now qualified to say who is mentally sound of mind. Or are you dismissing the thousands of people in the lifestyle as all mentally unfit.
Interesting to think then that most of society would say those that swing and want to sleep with multiple persons are mentally unsound so using your logic no one in here is mentally fit to give consent If you did a psych evaluation, I bet barely any participating in the hardcore stuff would pass. Swingers aren't scarring their body for life with epithets though.
"No but we are talking mental capacity to give consent. And just because someones opinion is that you need to be mental to do something does not make it so | |||
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"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is? A dominant is a caring and nurturing personality. They are an alpha personality, but will only take charge based on your personal boundaries and limits. They have a duty of care, so checking that you are okay, is actually a great dominant trait, that a genuine dominant will have. Perhaps you need to look at other dynamics, such as the Master/slave and sadist/masochist. Do some research, so you know truly what it is you are looking for Alpha? Men who like to hurt women? Nothing Alpha about that. Most of these men are unsuccessful with women.
There is a difference between and alpha/Dom male and an abuser.
A true alpha make is confident and vabuserod at reading people. They don't go round hurting women. As I said that's an abuser.
Unless you are saying that consensual BDSM is just about hurting women
A real man doesn't hurt women. Some of that shit is just abuse, it makes me sick.
Then you don't really understand anything about the BDSM lifestyle and the fact that there are just as many female dommes in the lifestyle playing with male and female subs.
It all comes down to consent.
So have you never spanked a women's ass when playing with them ?? Seen some pretty horrific things lately. I'd say some of these people are not compos mentis. I don't wanna understand it. Not for me.
And that's fine it's not for you but don't make sweeping statements accusing people who are consensually playing in that role are abusing women.
You will find those that take the BDSM lifestyle seriously and know what they are doing tend to stick to boundaries set up and all play has been decided and limits set before any play takes place. Yeah and I think if people are ill that their consent shouldn't count. I'm talking more the scarring and mutilation.
So your now qualified to say who is mentally sound of mind. Or are you dismissing the thousands of people in the lifestyle as all mentally unfit.
Interesting to think then that most of society would say those that swing and want to sleep with multiple persons are mentally unsound so using your logic no one in here is mentally fit to give consent If you did a psych evaluation, I bet barely any participating in the hardcore stuff would pass. Swingers aren't scarring their body for life with epithets though.
"No but those that play with multiple partners bareback in the swinging world could be seen as putting themselves at serious risk. So are this people not consenting due to mental health in your eyes ? | |||
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"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is? A dominant is a caring and nurturing personality. They are an alpha personality, but will only take charge based on your personal boundaries and limits. They have a duty of care, so checking that you are okay, is actually a great dominant trait, that a genuine dominant will have. Perhaps you need to look at other dynamics, such as the Master/slave and sadist/masochist. Do some research, so you know truly what it is you are looking for Alpha? Men who like to hurt women? Nothing Alpha about that. Most of these men are unsuccessful with women.
There is a difference between and alpha/Dom male and an abuser.
A true alpha make is confident and vabuserod at reading people. They don't go round hurting women. As I said that's an abuser.
Unless you are saying that consensual BDSM is just about hurting women
A real man doesn't hurt women. Some of that shit is just abuse, it makes me sick.
Then you don't really understand anything about the BDSM lifestyle and the fact that there are just as many female dommes in the lifestyle playing with male and female subs.
It all comes down to consent.
So have you never spanked a women's ass when playing with them ?? Seen some pretty horrific things lately. I'd say some of these people are not compos mentis. I don't wanna understand it. Not for me.
And that's fine it's not for you but don't make sweeping statements accusing people who are consensually playing in that role are abusing women.
You will find those that take the BDSM lifestyle seriously and know what they are doing tend to stick to boundaries set up and all play has been decided and limits set before any play takes place. Yeah and I think if people are ill that their consent shouldn't count. I'm talking more the scarring and mutilation.
So your now qualified to say who is mentally sound of mind. Or are you dismissing the thousands of people in the lifestyle as all mentally unfit.
Interesting to think then that most of society would say those that swing and want to sleep with multiple persons are mentally unsound so using your logic no one in here is mentally fit to give consent If you did a psych evaluation, I bet barely any participating in the hardcore stuff would pass. Swingers aren't scarring their body for life with epithets though.
No but we are talking mental capacity to give consent. And just because someones opinion is that you need to be mental to do something does not make it so "Tell that bullshit to the mother and fathers of young women who can't wear dresses anymore and see if they buy it. | |||
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"None of this is helping the OP. Tread carefully when accusing people of having mental health issues is a good mantra to live by. It's good to show concern over others well being. Nothing is black and white. Unless you're a medical professional it's probably best to avoid making those statements. Can we all move on now? Back to topic at hand?" Spot on - this was actually an interesting and well informed thread until it got derailed by someone with very little knowledge or understanding of the subject (which to be honest is often the case with the person concerned - check his views on pegging for example) - the sweeping statements and ill informed generalisations are of no help and hold no real substance at all. Whilst the point about the *potential* for abuse is valid it had already been made quite clearly several times, and knowledgeably so, and with balance, before the unnecessary sweeping statements were made. As a submissive who enjoys various forms of BDSM play, including some which would be considered painful, I take exception to having my mental capacity questioned by someone that clearly doesn't understand, nor wants to understand. | |||
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"None of this is helping the OP. Tread carefully when accusing people of having mental health issues is a good mantra to live by. It's good to show concern over others well being. Nothing is black and white. Unless you're a medical professional it's probably best to avoid making those statements. Can we all move on now? Back to topic at hand? Spot on - this was actually an interesting and well informed thread until it got derailed by someone with very little knowledge or understanding of the subject (which to be honest is often the case with the person concerned - check his views on pegging for example) - the sweeping statements and ill informed generalisations are of no help and hold no real substance at all. Whilst the point about the *potential* for abuse is valid it had already been made quite clearly several times, and knowledgeably so, and with balance, before the unnecessary sweeping statements were made. As a submissive who enjoys various forms of BDSM play, including some which would be considered painful, I take exception to having my mental capacity questioned by someone that clearly doesn't understand, nor wants to understand." You may be well be sane but when people are conflicted themselves after. That tells me that consent is not 100%. If they were they wouldn't give a fuck would they. | |||
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"None of this is helping the OP. Tread carefully when accusing people of having mental health issues is a good mantra to live by. It's good to show concern over others well being. Nothing is black and white. Unless you're a medical professional it's probably best to avoid making those statements. Can we all move on now? Back to topic at hand? Spot on - this was actually an interesting and well informed thread until it got derailed by someone with very little knowledge or understanding of the subject (which to be honest is often the case with the person concerned - check his views on pegging for example) - the sweeping statements and ill informed generalisations are of no help and hold no real substance at all. Whilst the point about the *potential* for abuse is valid it had already been made quite clearly several times, and knowledgeably so, and with balance, before the unnecessary sweeping statements were made. As a submissive who enjoys various forms of BDSM play, including some which would be considered painful, I take exception to having my mental capacity questioned by someone that clearly doesn't understand, nor wants to understand. You may be well be sane but when people are conflicted themselves after. That tells me that consent is not 100%. If they were they wouldn't give a fuck would they. " Hence Geminis warning very early on in the thread. Make sure you read up on things and figure out what it is you really want and why. Know the facts before starting. | |||
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"None of this is helping the OP. Tread carefully when accusing people of having mental health issues is a good mantra to live by. It's good to show concern over others well being. Nothing is black and white. Unless you're a medical professional it's probably best to avoid making those statements. Can we all move on now? Back to topic at hand? Spot on - this was actually an interesting and well informed thread until it got derailed by someone with very little knowledge or understanding of the subject (which to be honest is often the case with the person concerned - check his views on pegging for example) - the sweeping statements and ill informed generalisations are of no help and hold no real substance at all. Whilst the point about the *potential* for abuse is valid it had already been made quite clearly several times, and knowledgeably so, and with balance, before the unnecessary sweeping statements were made. As a submissive who enjoys various forms of BDSM play, including some which would be considered painful, I take exception to having my mental capacity questioned by someone that clearly doesn't understand, nor wants to understand. You may be well be sane but when people are conflicted themselves after. That tells me that consent is not 100%. If they were they wouldn't give a fuck would they. Hence Geminis warning very early on in the thread. Make sure you read up on things and figure out what it is you really want and why. Know the facts before starting." I'm just venting because I have seen stuff that is heartbreaking lately to a lady I knew. | |||
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"None of this is helping the OP. Tread carefully when accusing people of having mental health issues is a good mantra to live by. It's good to show concern over others well being. Nothing is black and white. Unless you're a medical professional it's probably best to avoid making those statements. Can we all move on now? Back to topic at hand? Spot on - this was actually an interesting and well informed thread until it got derailed by someone with very little knowledge or understanding of the subject (which to be honest is often the case with the person concerned - check his views on pegging for example) - the sweeping statements and ill informed generalisations are of no help and hold no real substance at all. Whilst the point about the *potential* for abuse is valid it had already been made quite clearly several times, and knowledgeably so, and with balance, before the unnecessary sweeping statements were made. As a submissive who enjoys various forms of BDSM play, including some which would be considered painful, I take exception to having my mental capacity questioned by someone that clearly doesn't understand, nor wants to understand. You may be well be sane but when people are conflicted themselves after. That tells me that consent is not 100%. If they were they wouldn't give a fuck would they. Hence Geminis warning very early on in the thread. Make sure you read up on things and figure out what it is you really want and why. Know the facts before starting. I'm just venting because I have seen stuff that is heartbreaking lately to a lady I knew. " And I understand that and it's dreadful if it happened against her will. | |||
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"None of this is helping the OP. Tread carefully when accusing people of having mental health issues is a good mantra to live by. It's good to show concern over others well being. Nothing is black and white. Unless you're a medical professional it's probably best to avoid making those statements. Can we all move on now? Back to topic at hand? Spot on - this was actually an interesting and well informed thread until it got derailed by someone with very little knowledge or understanding of the subject (which to be honest is often the case with the person concerned - check his views on pegging for example) - the sweeping statements and ill informed generalisations are of no help and hold no real substance at all. Whilst the point about the *potential* for abuse is valid it had already been made quite clearly several times, and knowledgeably so, and with balance, before the unnecessary sweeping statements were made. As a submissive who enjoys various forms of BDSM play, including some which would be considered painful, I take exception to having my mental capacity questioned by someone that clearly doesn't understand, nor wants to understand. You may be well be sane but when people are conflicted themselves after. That tells me that consent is not 100%. If they were they wouldn't give a fuck would they. Hence Geminis warning very early on in the thread. Make sure you read up on things and figure out what it is you really want and why. Know the facts before starting. I'm just venting because I have seen stuff that is heartbreaking lately to a lady I knew. " Understood  Not everyone who partakes has a fragile mind, though. Some of us are quite well rounded individuals who are compus mentas enough to ensure fragile minds are something that needs to be taken into account.
So you can see how sweeping statements may get people's backs up?
I do it sometimes myself.
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"None of this is helping the OP. Tread carefully when accusing people of having mental health issues is a good mantra to live by. It's good to show concern over others well being. Nothing is black and white. Unless you're a medical professional it's probably best to avoid making those statements. Can we all move on now? Back to topic at hand? Spot on - this was actually an interesting and well informed thread until it got derailed by someone with very little knowledge or understanding of the subject (which to be honest is often the case with the person concerned - check his views on pegging for example) - the sweeping statements and ill informed generalisations are of no help and hold no real substance at all. Whilst the point about the *potential* for abuse is valid it had already been made quite clearly several times, and knowledgeably so, and with balance, before the unnecessary sweeping statements were made. As a submissive who enjoys various forms of BDSM play, including some which would be considered painful, I take exception to having my mental capacity questioned by someone that clearly doesn't understand, nor wants to understand. You may be well be sane but when people are conflicted themselves after. That tells me that consent is not 100%. If they were they wouldn't give a fuck would they. Hence Geminis warning very early on in the thread. Make sure you read up on things and figure out what it is you really want and why. Know the facts before starting. I'm just venting because I have seen stuff that is heartbreaking lately to a lady I knew. And I understand that and it's dreadful if it happened against her will. " If I make 1 person think twice about some of this stuff I'm happy! I tried to help as well but you can only help people who want to help themselves as I've learned the hard way a couple of times now | |||
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"None of this is helping the OP. Tread carefully when accusing people of having mental health issues is a good mantra to live by. It's good to show concern over others well being. Nothing is black and white. Unless you're a medical professional it's probably best to avoid making those statements. Can we all move on now? Back to topic at hand? Spot on - this was actually an interesting and well informed thread until it got derailed by someone with very little knowledge or understanding of the subject (which to be honest is often the case with the person concerned - check his views on pegging for example) - the sweeping statements and ill informed generalisations are of no help and hold no real substance at all. Whilst the point about the *potential* for abuse is valid it had already been made quite clearly several times, and knowledgeably so, and with balance, before the unnecessary sweeping statements were made. As a submissive who enjoys various forms of BDSM play, including some which would be considered painful, I take exception to having my mental capacity questioned by someone that clearly doesn't understand, nor wants to understand. You may be well be sane but when people are conflicted themselves after. That tells me that consent is not 100%. If they were they wouldn't give a fuck would they. Hence Geminis warning very early on in the thread. Make sure you read up on things and figure out what it is you really want and why. Know the facts before starting. I'm just venting because I have seen stuff that is heartbreaking lately to a lady I knew. Understood Not everyone who partakes has a fragile mind, though. Some of us are quite well rounded individuals who are compus mentas enough to ensure fragile minds are something that needs to be taken into account.
So you can see how sweeping statements may get people's backs up?
I do it sometimes myself.
"Would you do this stuff to a woman with a history of domestic abuse and worse. You think they are campus mentis enough? | |||
Reply privately (thread closed by moderator) | |||
"None of this is helping the OP. Tread carefully when accusing people of having mental health issues is a good mantra to live by. It's good to show concern over others well being. Nothing is black and white. Unless you're a medical professional it's probably best to avoid making those statements. Can we all move on now? Back to topic at hand? Spot on - this was actually an interesting and well informed thread until it got derailed by someone with very little knowledge or understanding of the subject (which to be honest is often the case with the person concerned - check his views on pegging for example) - the sweeping statements and ill informed generalisations are of no help and hold no real substance at all. Whilst the point about the *potential* for abuse is valid it had already been made quite clearly several times, and knowledgeably so, and with balance, before the unnecessary sweeping statements were made. As a submissive who enjoys various forms of BDSM play, including some which would be considered painful, I take exception to having my mental capacity questioned by someone that clearly doesn't understand, nor wants to understand. You may be well be sane but when people are conflicted themselves after. That tells me that consent is not 100%. If they were they wouldn't give a fuck would they. Hence Geminis warning very early on in the thread. Make sure you read up on things and figure out what it is you really want and why. Know the facts before starting. I'm just venting because I have seen stuff that is heartbreaking lately to a lady I knew. " And that in itself is very sad, and I feel sorry for the lady concerned - however you cannot tar everyone with the same brush because of it either. I obviously Don't know the person concerned or the circumstances that gave rise to her situation - however I will wager that either the person she played with, or her, or most likely both, were not sufficiently informed to make a knowledgeable and rational decision to go ahead with the play - which has been my point throughout this thread (and any other thread of this type) that it is important to understand exactly what you are looking for from BDSM, exactly the type of partner you think will match that, and be aware of the dangers. There is a phrase used within BDSM circles that speaks for itself and is very relevant here - "informed consent" without it, play should not commence. What I object to though are your sweeping, uninformed statements - had your friend met someone from the swinging world, who had abused them somehow, would you be calling swinging something borne out of mental health issues? I very much doubt it. That is why you need to be careful before you comment on topics of which you have no direct knowledge - I'm not saying you shouldn't have an opinion, or that you shouldn't express it *BUT* you also need to be prepared to have that opinion challenged and open minded and big enough to change it in the face of a better informed knowledge of the subject. | |||
Reply privately (thread closed by moderator) | |||
"None of this is helping the OP. Tread carefully when accusing people of having mental health issues is a good mantra to live by. It's good to show concern over others well being. Nothing is black and white. Unless you're a medical professional it's probably best to avoid making those statements. Can we all move on now? Back to topic at hand? Spot on - this was actually an interesting and well informed thread until it got derailed by someone with very little knowledge or understanding of the subject (which to be honest is often the case with the person concerned - check his views on pegging for example) - the sweeping statements and ill informed generalisations are of no help and hold no real substance at all. Whilst the point about the *potential* for abuse is valid it had already been made quite clearly several times, and knowledgeably so, and with balance, before the unnecessary sweeping statements were made. As a submissive who enjoys various forms of BDSM play, including some which would be considered painful, I take exception to having my mental capacity questioned by someone that clearly doesn't understand, nor wants to understand. You may be well be sane but when people are conflicted themselves after. That tells me that consent is not 100%. If they were they wouldn't give a fuck would they. Hence Geminis warning very early on in the thread. Make sure you read up on things and figure out what it is you really want and why. Know the facts before starting. I'm just venting because I have seen stuff that is heartbreaking lately to a lady I knew. Understood Not everyone who partakes has a fragile mind, though. Some of us are quite well rounded individuals who are compus mentas enough to ensure fragile minds are something that needs to be taken into account.
So you can see how sweeping statements may get people's backs up?
I do it sometimes myself.
Would you do this stuff to a woman with a history of domestic abuse and worse. You think they are campus mentis enough?"I wouldn't personally, no. | |||
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"I can't provide links but this can be googled. This is an extract from a site. "The “Diagnostic And Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders” (DSM). This is essentially the bible of the mental health professional in the United States, essentially it is used to classify mental disorders. In this manual there are a list of mental disorders known as “paraphilias” It would seem that good things always come from open communication as the American Psychiatric Association has removed BDSM and kinky sex from being an indicator of a disorder in the new edition of DSM-V. This means that just because you may like BDSM, you are not automatically diagnosed or assumed to have a mental disorder as it was once." From Psychology Today "Health professions have long had a tendency to view the practice as pathological and even perverted. Common assumptions about people who participate in BDSM are that they psychologically anxious and maladjusted; that they are acting out a past history of sexual abuse; and that they are attempting to compensate for sexual difficulties. However, the small amount of research evidence available suggests that these assumptions are probably not true. For example, a telephone survey conducted in Australia found that people who had participated in BDSM in the previous year were not more distressed than others; were not more likely than others to have ever been sexually coerced; and did not report more sexual difficulties (Richters, De Visser, Rissel, Grulich, & Smith, 2008). However, to be fair to the mental health profession, the current edition of DSM only considers sadism and masochism as mental disorders if they cause the person clinically significant distress or a non-consenting person has been involved. So BDSM practiced between consenting persons who are happy with what they are doing is not officially considered pathological."" | |||
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"None of this is helping the OP. Tread carefully when accusing people of having mental health issues is a good mantra to live by. It's good to show concern over others well being. Nothing is black and white. Unless you're a medical professional it's probably best to avoid making those statements. Can we all move on now? Back to topic at hand? Spot on - this was actually an interesting and well informed thread until it got derailed by someone with very little knowledge or understanding of the subject (which to be honest is often the case with the person concerned - check his views on pegging for example) - the sweeping statements and ill informed generalisations are of no help and hold no real substance at all. Whilst the point about the *potential* for abuse is valid it had already been made quite clearly several times, and knowledgeably so, and with balance, before the unnecessary sweeping statements were made. As a submissive who enjoys various forms of BDSM play, including some which would be considered painful, I take exception to having my mental capacity questioned by someone that clearly doesn't understand, nor wants to understand. You may be well be sane but when people are conflicted themselves after. That tells me that consent is not 100%. If they were they wouldn't give a fuck would they. Hence Geminis warning very early on in the thread. Make sure you read up on things and figure out what it is you really want and why. Know the facts before starting. I'm just venting because I have seen stuff that is heartbreaking lately to a lady I knew. And I understand that and it's dreadful if it happened against her will. If I make 1 person think twice about some of this stuff I'm happy! I tried to help as well but you can only help people who want to help themselves as I've learned the hard way a couple of times now " This sounds like she consented and wanted to partake in the choices that she made. | |||
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"None of this is helping the OP. Tread carefully when accusing people of having mental health issues is a good mantra to live by. It's good to show concern over others well being. Nothing is black and white. Unless you're a medical professional it's probably best to avoid making those statements. Can we all move on now? Back to topic at hand? Spot on - this was actually an interesting and well informed thread until it got derailed by someone with very little knowledge or understanding of the subject (which to be honest is often the case with the person concerned - check his views on pegging for example) - the sweeping statements and ill informed generalisations are of no help and hold no real substance at all. Whilst the point about the *potential* for abuse is valid it had already been made quite clearly several times, and knowledgeably so, and with balance, before the unnecessary sweeping statements were made. As a submissive who enjoys various forms of BDSM play, including some which would be considered painful, I take exception to having my mental capacity questioned by someone that clearly doesn't understand, nor wants to understand. You may be well be sane but when people are conflicted themselves after. That tells me that consent is not 100%. If they were they wouldn't give a fuck would they. Hence Geminis warning very early on in the thread. Make sure you read up on things and figure out what it is you really want and why. Know the facts before starting. I'm just venting because I have seen stuff that is heartbreaking lately to a lady I knew. And I understand that and it's dreadful if it happened against her will. If I make 1 person think twice about some of this stuff I'm happy! I tried to help as well but you can only help people who want to help themselves as I've learned the hard way a couple of times now This sounds like she consented and wanted to partake in the choices that she made. " Even when they were conflicted not long after? | |||
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"None of this is helping the OP. Tread carefully when accusing people of having mental health issues is a good mantra to live by. It's good to show concern over others well being. Nothing is black and white. Unless you're a medical professional it's probably best to avoid making those statements. Can we all move on now? Back to topic at hand? Spot on - this was actually an interesting and well informed thread until it got derailed by someone with very little knowledge or understanding of the subject (which to be honest is often the case with the person concerned - check his views on pegging for example) - the sweeping statements and ill informed generalisations are of no help and hold no real substance at all. Whilst the point about the *potential* for abuse is valid it had already been made quite clearly several times, and knowledgeably so, and with balance, before the unnecessary sweeping statements were made. As a submissive who enjoys various forms of BDSM play, including some which would be considered painful, I take exception to having my mental capacity questioned by someone that clearly doesn't understand, nor wants to understand. You may be well be sane but when people are conflicted themselves after. That tells me that consent is not 100%. If they were they wouldn't give a fuck would they. Hence Geminis warning very early on in the thread. Make sure you read up on things and figure out what it is you really want and why. Know the facts before starting. I'm just venting because I have seen stuff that is heartbreaking lately to a lady I knew. And I understand that and it's dreadful if it happened against her will. If I make 1 person think twice about some of this stuff I'm happy! I tried to help as well but you can only help people who want to help themselves as I've learned the hard way a couple of times now This sounds like she consented and wanted to partake in the choices that she made. Even when they were conflicted not long after?" What a fascinating and insightful thread this has turned out to be. I’m sure no genuinely experienced Dominant would suggest that indulging in BDSM should be undertaken whilst a submissive is emotionally distressed or mentally ill in any way. I sometimes find submission to be extremely taxing mentally, it’s part of the overwhelming experience. In my many years of experience (I’m an old bird), The Dominants I’ve met have all understood that. I can’t imagine any of them taking advantage of a woman going through a tough time | |||
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"None of this is helping the OP. Tread carefully when accusing people of having mental health issues is a good mantra to live by. It's good to show concern over others well being. Nothing is black and white. Unless you're a medical professional it's probably best to avoid making those statements. Can we all move on now? Back to topic at hand? Spot on - this was actually an interesting and well informed thread until it got derailed by someone with very little knowledge or understanding of the subject (which to be honest is often the case with the person concerned - check his views on pegging for example) - the sweeping statements and ill informed generalisations are of no help and hold no real substance at all. Whilst the point about the *potential* for abuse is valid it had already been made quite clearly several times, and knowledgeably so, and with balance, before the unnecessary sweeping statements were made. As a submissive who enjoys various forms of BDSM play, including some which would be considered painful, I take exception to having my mental capacity questioned by someone that clearly doesn't understand, nor wants to understand. You may be well be sane but when people are conflicted themselves after. That tells me that consent is not 100%. If they were they wouldn't give a fuck would they. Hence Geminis warning very early on in the thread. Make sure you read up on things and figure out what it is you really want and why. Know the facts before starting. I'm just venting because I have seen stuff that is heartbreaking lately to a lady I knew. And I understand that and it's dreadful if it happened against her will. If I make 1 person think twice about some of this stuff I'm happy! I tried to help as well but you can only help people who want to help themselves as I've learned the hard way a couple of times now This sounds like she consented and wanted to partake in the choices that she made. Even when they were conflicted not long after? What a fascinating and insightful thread this has turned out to be. I’m sure no genuinely experienced Dominant would suggest that indulging in BDSM should be undertaken whilst a submissive is emotionally distressed or mentally ill in any way. I sometimes find submission to be extremely taxing mentally, it’s part of the overwhelming experience. In my many years of experience (I’m an old bird), The Dominants I’ve met have all understood that. I can’t imagine any of them taking advantage of a woman going through a tough time " She went to 1 of these munches and scarred for life permanently within a month. Hopefully tattoos could cover it up. | |||
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"None of this is helping the OP. Tread carefully when accusing people of having mental health issues is a good mantra to live by. It's good to show concern over others well being. Nothing is black and white. Unless you're a medical professional it's probably best to avoid making those statements. Can we all move on now? Back to topic at hand? Spot on - this was actually an interesting and well informed thread until it got derailed by someone with very little knowledge or understanding of the subject (which to be honest is often the case with the person concerned - check his views on pegging for example) - the sweeping statements and ill informed generalisations are of no help and hold no real substance at all. Whilst the point about the *potential* for abuse is valid it had already been made quite clearly several times, and knowledgeably so, and with balance, before the unnecessary sweeping statements were made. As a submissive who enjoys various forms of BDSM play, including some which would be considered painful, I take exception to having my mental capacity questioned by someone that clearly doesn't understand, nor wants to understand. You may be well be sane but when people are conflicted themselves after. That tells me that consent is not 100%. If they were they wouldn't give a fuck would they. Hence Geminis warning very early on in the thread. Make sure you read up on things and figure out what it is you really want and why. Know the facts before starting. I'm just venting because I have seen stuff that is heartbreaking lately to a lady I knew. And I understand that and it's dreadful if it happened against her will. If I make 1 person think twice about some of this stuff I'm happy! I tried to help as well but you can only help people who want to help themselves as I've learned the hard way a couple of times now This sounds like she consented and wanted to partake in the choices that she made. Even when they were conflicted not long after?" I personally would not do any sort of heavy play with anyone so new to the scene and going to a munch does not mean that you will not find abusers using the guise of BDSM to cause damage. It's the same in this lifestyle. But I will not say that anyone has mental health issues as I do not know her, her situation and what was agreed and not agreed to. | |||
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"None of this is helping the OP. Tread carefully when accusing people of having mental health issues is a good mantra to live by. It's good to show concern over others well being. Nothing is black and white. Unless you're a medical professional it's probably best to avoid making those statements. Can we all move on now? Back to topic at hand? Spot on - this was actually an interesting and well informed thread until it got derailed by someone with very little knowledge or understanding of the subject (which to be honest is often the case with the person concerned - check his views on pegging for example) - the sweeping statements and ill informed generalisations are of no help and hold no real substance at all. Whilst the point about the *potential* for abuse is valid it had already been made quite clearly several times, and knowledgeably so, and with balance, before the unnecessary sweeping statements were made. As a submissive who enjoys various forms of BDSM play, including some which would be considered painful, I take exception to having my mental capacity questioned by someone that clearly doesn't understand, nor wants to understand. You may be well be sane but when people are conflicted themselves after. That tells me that consent is not 100%. If they were they wouldn't give a fuck would they. Hence Geminis warning very early on in the thread. Make sure you read up on things and figure out what it is you really want and why. Know the facts before starting. I'm just venting because I have seen stuff that is heartbreaking lately to a lady I knew. And I understand that and it's dreadful if it happened against her will. If I make 1 person think twice about some of this stuff I'm happy! I tried to help as well but you can only help people who want to help themselves as I've learned the hard way a couple of times now This sounds like she consented and wanted to partake in the choices that she made. Even when they were conflicted not long after? I personally would not do any sort of heavy play with anyone so new to the scene and going to a munch does not mean that you will not find abusers using the guise of BDSM to cause damage. It's the same in this lifestyle. But I will not say that anyone has mental health issues as I do not know her, her situation and what was agreed and not agreed to." Oh these so men are so called "experienced Dom's" even work in a club and host a night. | |||
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"None of this is helping the OP. Tread carefully when accusing people of having mental health issues is a good mantra to live by. It's good to show concern over others well being. Nothing is black and white. Unless you're a medical professional it's probably best to avoid making those statements. Can we all move on now? Back to topic at hand? Spot on - this was actually an interesting and well informed thread until it got derailed by someone with very little knowledge or understanding of the subject (which to be honest is often the case with the person concerned - check his views on pegging for example) - the sweeping statements and ill informed generalisations are of no help and hold no real substance at all. Whilst the point about the *potential* for abuse is valid it had already been made quite clearly several times, and knowledgeably so, and with balance, before the unnecessary sweeping statements were made. As a submissive who enjoys various forms of BDSM play, including some which would be considered painful, I take exception to having my mental capacity questioned by someone that clearly doesn't understand, nor wants to understand. You may be well be sane but when people are conflicted themselves after. That tells me that consent is not 100%. If they were they wouldn't give a fuck would they. Hence Geminis warning very early on in the thread. Make sure you read up on things and figure out what it is you really want and why. Know the facts before starting. I'm just venting because I have seen stuff that is heartbreaking lately to a lady I knew. And I understand that and it's dreadful if it happened against her will. If I make 1 person think twice about some of this stuff I'm happy! I tried to help as well but you can only help people who want to help themselves as I've learned the hard way a couple of times now This sounds like she consented and wanted to partake in the choices that she made. Even when they were conflicted not long after? I personally would not do any sort of heavy play with anyone so new to the scene and going to a munch does not mean that you will not find abusers using the guise of BDSM to cause damage. It's the same in this lifestyle. But I will not say that anyone has mental health issues as I do not know her, her situation and what was agreed and not agreed to. Oh these so men are so called "experienced Dom's" even work in a club and host a night." But what I am saying is there area many sides to a story and we don't know all the story and what was agreed etc But that was not the point the point was don't make sweeping statements about everyone in the BDSM scene | |||
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"None of this is helping the OP. Tread carefully when accusing people of having mental health issues is a good mantra to live by. It's good to show concern over others well being. Nothing is black and white. Unless you're a medical professional it's probably best to avoid making those statements. Can we all move on now? Back to topic at hand? Spot on - this was actually an interesting and well informed thread until it got derailed by someone with very little knowledge or understanding of the subject (which to be honest is often the case with the person concerned - check his views on pegging for example) - the sweeping statements and ill informed generalisations are of no help and hold no real substance at all. Whilst the point about the *potential* for abuse is valid it had already been made quite clearly several times, and knowledgeably so, and with balance, before the unnecessary sweeping statements were made. As a submissive who enjoys various forms of BDSM play, including some which would be considered painful, I take exception to having my mental capacity questioned by someone that clearly doesn't understand, nor wants to understand. You may be well be sane but when people are conflicted themselves after. That tells me that consent is not 100%. If they were they wouldn't give a fuck would they. Hence Geminis warning very early on in the thread. Make sure you read up on things and figure out what it is you really want and why. Know the facts before starting. I'm just venting because I have seen stuff that is heartbreaking lately to a lady I knew. And I understand that and it's dreadful if it happened against her will. If I make 1 person think twice about some of this stuff I'm happy! I tried to help as well but you can only help people who want to help themselves as I've learned the hard way a couple of times now This sounds like she consented and wanted to partake in the choices that she made. Even when they were conflicted not long after? I personally would not do any sort of heavy play with anyone so new to the scene and going to a munch does not mean that you will not find abusers using the guise of BDSM to cause damage. It's the same in this lifestyle. But I will not say that anyone has mental health issues as I do not know her, her situation and what was agreed and not agreed to. Oh these so men are so called "experienced Dom's" even work in a club and host a night. But what I am saying is there area many sides to a story and we don't know all the story and what was agreed etc But that was not the point the point was don't make sweeping statements about everyone in the BDSM scene " Yeah but you just said you wouldn't do that to a newbie. I said some of the bdsm, not all too. | |||
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" I said some of the bdsm, not all too." No actually you inferred that the majority of a particular scene are mentally unstable with comments like: "If you did a psych evaluation, I bet barely any participating in the hardcore stuff would pass." And made sweeping generalisations from an uninformed position. Just like the swinging world and any other world for that matter - there are a minority of bad people, and they should rightly be condemned - but your opinions thus far appear to be based on anecdotal evidence from one person, who I suspect was as ill informed as you and sadly got to meet some of that minority. As I said - tarring a whole community with the same brush when you openly admit to not knowing or understanding it is just plain wrong. I shouldn't be surprised though - you often pass judgement and false opinion on things you have no interest in or understanding of - a good example being your assertion that a guy who likes being pegged must be bisexual. | |||
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" I said some of the bdsm, not all too. No actually you inferred that the majority of a particular scene are mentally unstable with comments like: "If you did a psych evaluation, I bet barely any participating in the hardcore stuff would pass." And made sweeping generalisations from an uninformed position. Just like the swinging world and any other world for that matter - there are a minority of bad people, and they should rightly be condemned - but your opinions thus far appear to be based on anecdotal evidence from one person, who I suspect was as ill informed as you and sadly got to meet some of that minority. As I said - tarring a whole community with the same brush when you openly admit to not knowing or understanding it is just plain wrong. I shouldn't be surprised though - you often pass judgement and false opinion on things you have no interest in or understanding of - a good example being your assertion that a guy who likes being pegged must be bisexual." Interesting | |||
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" I said some of the bdsm, not all too. No actually you inferred that the majority of a particular scene are mentally unstable with comments like: "If you did a psych evaluation, I bet barely any participating in the hardcore stuff would pass." And made sweeping generalisations from an uninformed position. Just like the swinging world and any other world for that matter - there are a minority of bad people, and they should rightly be condemned - but your opinions thus far appear to be based on anecdotal evidence from one person, who I suspect was as ill informed as you and sadly got to meet some of that minority. As I said - tarring a whole community with the same brush when you openly admit to not knowing or understanding it is just plain wrong. I shouldn't be surprised though - you often pass judgement and false opinion on things you have no interest in or understanding of - a good example being your assertion that a guy who likes being pegged must be bisexual." Whatever, like I said if 1 person thinks twice about it I'm happy. | |||
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" I said some of the bdsm, not all too. No actually you inferred that the majority of a particular scene are mentally unstable with comments like: "If you did a psych evaluation, I bet barely any participating in the hardcore stuff would pass." And made sweeping generalisations from an uninformed position. Just like the swinging world and any other world for that matter - there are a minority of bad people, and they should rightly be condemned - but your opinions thus far appear to be based on anecdotal evidence from one person, who I suspect was as ill informed as you and sadly got to meet some of that minority. As I said - tarring a whole community with the same brush when you openly admit to not knowing or understanding it is just plain wrong. I shouldn't be surprised though - you often pass judgement and false opinion on things you have no interest in or understanding of - a good example being your assertion that a guy who likes being pegged must be bisexual. Whatever, like I said if 1 person thinks twice about it I'm happy. " As we all are, as indicated by many of the informed posts, saying exactly that which appeared before your sweeping and poorly informed generalisations - which in themselves are pretty dangerous and could in fact lead to people making the wrong decisions because of the lack of knowledge you display
Simple fact of the matter is that anyone seeking to take steps into the BDSM world should do so not based on *those* books or BDSM porn for starters, but should do so from an informed position, having taken time to understand what exactly BDSM means to them, and what the dangers and underlying principles are.
Sadly all too often people see BDSM porn, or read those books and think they are representative of BDSM, and dive straight in without taking time to understand what it really is and means and *that* is where the danger lies. | |||
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" I said some of the bdsm, not all too. No actually you inferred that the majority of a particular scene are mentally unstable with comments like: "If you did a psych evaluation, I bet barely any participating in the hardcore stuff would pass." And made sweeping generalisations from an uninformed position. Just like the swinging world and any other world for that matter - there are a minority of bad people, and they should rightly be condemned - but your opinions thus far appear to be based on anecdotal evidence from one person, who I suspect was as ill informed as you and sadly got to meet some of that minority. As I said - tarring a whole community with the same brush when you openly admit to not knowing or understanding it is just plain wrong. I shouldn't be surprised though - you often pass judgement and false opinion on things you have no interest in or understanding of - a good example being your assertion that a guy who likes being pegged must be bisexual. Whatever, like I said if 1 person thinks twice about it I'm happy. As we all are, as indicated by many of the informed posts, saying exactly that which appeared before your sweeping and poorly informed generalisations - which in themselves are pretty dangerous and could in fact lead to people making the wrong decisions because of the lack of knowledge you display
Simple fact of the matter is that anyone seeking to take steps into the BDSM world should do so not based on *those* books or BDSM porn for starters, but should do so from an informed position, having taken time to understand what exactly BDSM means to them, and what the dangers and underlying principles are.
Sadly all too often people see BDSM porn, or read those books and think they are representative of BDSM, and dive straight in without taking time to understand what it really is and means and *that* is where the danger lies."Well I wish everybody was cautious like you then. I don't do anything without studying it pretty much. This though I don't wanna try understand and I will warn people of potential dangers and consequences of it if it is the least I can do. | |||
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" I said some of the bdsm, not all too. No actually you inferred that the majority of a particular scene are mentally unstable with comments like: "If you did a psych evaluation, I bet barely any participating in the hardcore stuff would pass." And made sweeping generalisations from an uninformed position. Just like the swinging world and any other world for that matter - there are a minority of bad people, and they should rightly be condemned - but your opinions thus far appear to be based on anecdotal evidence from one person, who I suspect was as ill informed as you and sadly got to meet some of that minority. As I said - tarring a whole community with the same brush when you openly admit to not knowing or understanding it is just plain wrong. I shouldn't be surprised though - you often pass judgement and false opinion on things you have no interest in or understanding of - a good example being your assertion that a guy who likes being pegged must be bisexual. Whatever, like I said if 1 person thinks twice about it I'm happy. As we all are, as indicated by many of the informed posts, saying exactly that which appeared before your sweeping and poorly informed generalisations - which in themselves are pretty dangerous and could in fact lead to people making the wrong decisions because of the lack of knowledge you display
Simple fact of the matter is that anyone seeking to take steps into the BDSM world should do so not based on *those* books or BDSM porn for starters, but should do so from an informed position, having taken time to understand what exactly BDSM means to them, and what the dangers and underlying principles are.
Sadly all too often people see BDSM porn, or read those books and think they are representative of BDSM, and dive straight in without taking time to understand what it really is and means and *that* is where the danger lies.
Well I wish everybody was cautious like you then. I don't do anything without studying it pretty much. This though I don't wanna try understand and I will warn people of potential dangers and consequences of it if it is the least I can do."Warning people to be careful and cautious is one thing... ....making sweeping generalisations from a position of ignorance is quite another | |||
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"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is? A dominant is a caring and nurturing personality. They are an alpha personality, but will only take charge based on your personal boundaries and limits. They have a duty of care, so checking that you are okay, is actually a great dominant trait, that a genuine dominant will have. Perhaps you need to look at other dynamics, such as the Master/slave and sadist/masochist. Do some research, so you know truly what it is you are looking for Alpha? Men who like to hurt women? Nothing Alpha about that. Most of these men are unsuccessful with women. "A true dom will never hurt his sub! | |||
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"Jesus Christ, Mary, Joseph and the 7 Dearfs! The level of narrow mindedness I come across in what is supposedly a platform for people to explore what society might deem inadequate or immoral is shocking. One’s inability to comprehend why someone enjoys something that is consensual and legal yet they view as imoral, is not a justifiable explanation (or reason) for branding people with deregatory labels or indeed clinical diagnosis. The best approach is to accept one is different and not judge them. After all it was not that long ago that society would condemn a man or woman to death if they indulged in anal, with a member of the same sex or indeed opposite. " I could not agree more! We are doing something that the majority of society views as 'wrong' so surely we need to be supporting and looking out for each other not judging | |||
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"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is? A dominant is a caring and nurturing personality. They are an alpha personality, but will only take charge based on your personal boundaries and limits. They have a duty of care, so checking that you are okay, is actually a great dominant trait, that a genuine dominant will have. Perhaps you need to look at other dynamics, such as the Master/slave and sadist/masochist. Do some research, so you know truly what it is you are looking for Alpha? Men who like to hurt women? Nothing Alpha about that. Most of these men are unsuccessful with women.
There is a difference between and alpha/Dom male and an abuser.
A true alpha make is confident and vabuserod at reading people. They don't go round hurting women. As I said that's an abuser.
Unless you are saying that consensual BDSM is just about hurting women
A real man doesn't hurt women. Some of that shit is just abuse, it makes me sick."tottaly agree, this is just abuse covered up as some sort of pleasure.... wake up guys and gals. | |||
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"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is?" Lots of great advice on this thread already but what I'd add is, if you are questioning it then he isn't... at least not for you anyway. A good Dom will have a very high duty of care towards the submissive but imho he won't chase to much. He'll want to know you are ok and then if you are interested or not that's entirely your choice it won't take 'lots of msgs' to get the answer to that. I've never heard of a Dominant sounding needy... | |||
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"Those unfamiliar with BDSM were surprised by a? ??study from Northern Illinois University, which revealed that those involved in BDSM are more consent-minded when it comes to sex acts and less likely to conform to behaviors associated with non consent culture. Practitioners of BDSM displayed “significantly lower levels of benevolent sexism, r**e myth acceptance, and victim-blaming.” In other words, they respect the boundaries of their partner and are less likely to cross the boundaries of personal safety. Even though studies show that BDSM clearly has positive benefits, many who look at these extreme behaviors from the outside perceive this type of sexual behavior as abusive, chaotic, and out of control. " Do you do background checks in this? This woman also has a medical condition which means she can be prone to going the hospital and it could be inevitable that her family finds out anyway. | |||
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"Those unfamiliar with BDSM were surprised by a? ??study from Northern Illinois University, which revealed that those involved in BDSM are more consent-minded when it comes to sex acts and less likely to conform to behaviors associated with non consent culture. Practitioners of BDSM displayed “significantly lower levels of benevolent sexism, r**e myth acceptance, and victim-blaming.” In other words, they respect the boundaries of their partner and are less likely to cross the boundaries of personal safety. Even though studies show that BDSM clearly has positive benefits, many who look at these extreme behaviors from the outside perceive this type of sexual behavior as abusive, chaotic, and out of control. Do you do background checks in this? This woman also has a medical condition which means she can be prone to going the hospital and it could be inevitable that her family finds out anyway." Background checks? I ask probing questions, legally I think that's about all I'm allowed to do right? I'd be most annoyed if someone did that to me | |||
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"Those unfamiliar with BDSM were surprised by a? ??study from Northern Illinois University, which revealed that those involved in BDSM are more consent-minded when it comes to sex acts and less likely to conform to behaviors associated with non consent culture. Practitioners of BDSM displayed “significantly lower levels of benevolent sexism, r**e myth acceptance, and victim-blaming.” In other words, they respect the boundaries of their partner and are less likely to cross the boundaries of personal safety. Even though studies show that BDSM clearly has positive benefits, many who look at these extreme behaviors from the outside perceive this type of sexual behavior as abusive, chaotic, and out of control. Do you do background checks in this? This woman also has a medical condition which means she can be prone to going the hospital and it could be inevitable that her family finds out anyway. Background checks? I ask probing questions, legally I think that's about all I'm allowed to do right? I'd be most annoyed if someone did that to me "Not actual background checks. I guess it depends how much they are willing to divulge too. How far do the questions go? | |||
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"Those unfamiliar with BDSM were surprised by a? ??study from Northern Illinois University, which revealed that those involved in BDSM are more consent-minded when it comes to sex acts and less likely to conform to behaviors associated with non consent culture. Practitioners of BDSM displayed “significantly lower levels of benevolent sexism, r**e myth acceptance, and victim-blaming.” In other words, they respect the boundaries of their partner and are less likely to cross the boundaries of personal safety. Even though studies show that BDSM clearly has positive benefits, many who look at these extreme behaviors from the outside perceive this type of sexual behavior as abusive, chaotic, and out of control. Do you do background checks in this? This woman also has a medical condition which means she can be prone to going the hospital and it could be inevitable that her family finds out anyway. Background checks? I ask probing questions, legally I think that's about all I'm allowed to do right? I'd be most annoyed if someone did that to me Not actual background checks. I guess it depends how much they are willing to divulge too. How far do the questions go? "As far as they need to, to give me the answers I need. If I suspect anything wrong, or out of place, I'd prefer not to continue. For their sake and mine. | |||
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"Those unfamiliar with BDSM were surprised by a? ??study from Northern Illinois University, which revealed that those involved in BDSM are more consent-minded when it comes to sex acts and less likely to conform to behaviors associated with non consent culture. Practitioners of BDSM displayed “significantly lower levels of benevolent sexism, r**e myth acceptance, and victim-blaming.” In other words, they respect the boundaries of their partner and are less likely to cross the boundaries of personal safety. Even though studies show that BDSM clearly has positive benefits, many who look at these extreme behaviors from the outside perceive this type of sexual behavior as abusive, chaotic, and out of control. Do you do background checks in this? This woman also has a medical condition which means she can be prone to going the hospital and it could be inevitable that her family finds out anyway. Background checks? I ask probing questions, legally I think that's about all I'm allowed to do right? I'd be most annoyed if someone did that to me Not actual background checks. I guess it depends how much they are willing to divulge too. How far do the questions go? "I spend weeks and weeks talking questioning getting to know the person I am going to play with. I let the play dynamic build over a long period of time and the play is introduced slowly and discussed before and after. I practice RACK and SSC play in all I Do. I learn to read the persons i play with and also spend more time with aftercare mentally physically and emotionally. I also discuss and find out what the person is doing for their own emotional hygiene and mental health wellbeing. | |||
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" Bit of a trumpean approach in my opinion. Surely one’s inability to comprehend makes one unsuitable for the dissemination of knowledge and information. Much like having an engineer teaching medicine. I have a friend who was sexually assaulted in a public toilet, if I employed your logic, women should never walk into a public toilet. Whatever, tell that to the mums and dads too. Saying "whatever" in a dismissive way when faced with knowledgeable and rounded points does not make you either right or appear to be any more knowledgeable you know - in fact it speaks volumes as to your ignorance when it comes to the subject at hand. Whilst you may not understand, or wish to understand (in which case I question the point of you posting) BDSM - it does not mean that when practiced from an informed and consensual starting point by all concerned that it is wrong, or that it should be dismissed as being the practice of people with mental health issues as you have tried to assert. Whatever.
And this week's prize for "Most Predictable Response To A Post" goes to.... Look, you seem a decent man and you give well thought out responses. I posted to highlight the danger. I couldn't care less what you think of me though.
Yes but firstly you didn't need to as it had already been done several times before you posted, by people in an informed and knowledgeable position.
Secondly you did so with sweeping and inaccurate statements (as you always do) that made wild assumptions and cast pretty vile sentiments about a subject you have admitted to having no understanding or knowledge of whatsoever.
And finally you are dismissive of anyone that is informed, and does have an understanding and knowledge, that makes valid points to counter your wild and inaccurate claims.
What did you expect? Everyone to bow to your very obvious lack of knowledge and understanding?
Perhaps if you accepted that your opinion is flawed and largely without basis amongst those that truly understand the BDSM dynamic you might not have got the responses you did.
I don't care about the responses either though. People have a dog in the fight they will defend.
I'm going off my all be it little experience of it. Which has probably affected my mental health lately and I don't even participate in it.
That first sentence says it all really and perhaps if you listened to those that truly know what they are talking about rather than make sweeping statements that have no basis - you might find something to help you with any issues you may personally be experiencing.
It's not about having a dog in the fight either - more when it's obvious someone doesn't know what they are talking about, as you clearly don't on this subject, that they are going to counter any invalid statements that are made with valid ones - which is all people have done. Just sharing a personal tragic story. It will have more impact than just a warning I would hope. "The thing is you've not shared a tragic story just snippets of one that fit your opinion and in doing so have actually derailed a very good and informative thread that contained all the warnings and information that people needed to keep them safe without the need for sensationalism. By doing so you've detracted from, rather than added to, the information already given and may actually have led to people coming to the wrong conclusions rather than the right ones. As for background checks we only have your word that the snippets of your story (which conveniently fit your opinion) you have shared are actually true - should we be making background checks to validate it? Either way anyone who knows the lifestyle, dominant or submissive, will know that communication and duty of care are key, and will spend much time discussing boundaries and limits, emotional state and much more before entering into play. As has been said many times throughout this thread - BDSM is *not* abusive, *some* people who use the term to describe their interests may be, but then *some* people who call themselves husband or wife are abusive, but that doesn't mean *all* marriages are abusive either - which is what you have tried to say about BDSM. Regardless of all that, the over riding message from this thread is that BDSM and D/s is a wonderful dynamic to explore but it should be done from a position of knowledge and being informed and truly knowing yourself, your wants, the type of person you are looking for and indeed the dangers to watch out for and how to keep yourself safe. Which in fact are all good things to be aware of in life not just BDSM. | |||
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"Those unfamiliar with BDSM were surprised by a? ??study from Northern Illinois University, which revealed that those involved in BDSM are more consent-minded when it comes to sex acts and less likely to conform to behaviors associated with non consent culture. Practitioners of BDSM displayed “significantly lower levels of benevolent sexism, r**e myth acceptance, and victim-blaming.” In other words, they respect the boundaries of their partner and are less likely to cross the boundaries of personal safety. Even though studies show that BDSM clearly has positive benefits, many who look at these extreme behaviors from the outside perceive this type of sexual behavior as abusive, chaotic, and out of control. Do you do background checks in this? This woman also has a medical condition which means she can be prone to going the hospital and it could be inevitable that her family finds out anyway. Background checks? I ask probing questions, legally I think that's about all I'm allowed to do right? I'd be most annoyed if someone did that to me Not actual background checks. I guess it depends how much they are willing to divulge too. How far do the questions go?
I spend weeks and weeks talking questioning getting to know the person I am going to play with.
I let the play dynamic build over a long period of time and the play is introduced slowly and discussed before and after.
I practice RACK and SSC play in all I Do.
I learn to read the persons i play with and also spend more time with aftercare mentally physically and emotionally.
I also discuss and find out what the person is doing for their own emotional hygiene and mental health wellbeing.
"So you would say these Doms are incompetent? | |||
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" Bit of a trumpean approach in my opinion. Surely one’s inability to comprehend makes one unsuitable for the dissemination of knowledge and information. Much like having an engineer teaching medicine. I have a friend who was sexually assaulted in a public toilet, if I employed your logic, women should never walk into a public toilet. Whatever, tell that to the mums and dads too. Saying "whatever" in a dismissive way when faced with knowledgeable and rounded points does not make you either right or appear to be any more knowledgeable you know - in fact it speaks volumes as to your ignorance when it comes to the subject at hand. Whilst you may not understand, or wish to understand (in which case I question the point of you posting) BDSM - it does not mean that when practiced from an informed and consensual starting point by all concerned that it is wrong, or that it should be dismissed as being the practice of people with mental health issues as you have tried to assert. Whatever.
And this week's prize for "Most Predictable Response To A Post" goes to.... Look, you seem a decent man and you give well thought out responses. I posted to highlight the danger. I couldn't care less what you think of me though.
Yes but firstly you didn't need to as it had already been done several times before you posted, by people in an informed and knowledgeable position.
Secondly you did so with sweeping and inaccurate statements (as you always do) that made wild assumptions and cast pretty vile sentiments about a subject you have admitted to having no understanding or knowledge of whatsoever.
And finally you are dismissive of anyone that is informed, and does have an understanding and knowledge, that makes valid points to counter your wild and inaccurate claims.
What did you expect? Everyone to bow to your very obvious lack of knowledge and understanding?
Perhaps if you accepted that your opinion is flawed and largely without basis amongst those that truly understand the BDSM dynamic you might not have got the responses you did.
I don't care about the responses either though. People have a dog in the fight they will defend.
I'm going off my all be it little experience of it. Which has probably affected my mental health lately and I don't even participate in it.
That first sentence says it all really and perhaps if you listened to those that truly know what they are talking about rather than make sweeping statements that have no basis - you might find something to help you with any issues you may personally be experiencing.
It's not about having a dog in the fight either - more when it's obvious someone doesn't know what they are talking about, as you clearly don't on this subject, that they are going to counter any invalid statements that are made with valid ones - which is all people have done. Just sharing a personal tragic story. It will have more impact than just a warning I would hope.
The thing is you've not shared a tragic story just snippets of one that fit your opinion and in doing so have actually derailed a very good and informative thread that contained all the warnings and information that people needed to keep them safe without the need for sensationalism.
By doing so you've detracted from, rather than added to, the information already given and may actually have led to people coming to the wrong conclusions rather than the right ones.
As for background checks we only have your word that the snippets of your story (which conveniently fit your opinion) you have shared are actually true - should we be making background checks to validate it? Either way anyone who knows the lifestyle, dominant or submissive, will know that communication and duty of care are key, and will spend much time discussing boundaries and limits, emotional state and much more before entering into play.
As has been said many times throughout this thread - BDSM is *not* abusive, *some* people who use the term to describe their interests may be, but then *some* people who call themselves husband or wife are abusive, but that doesn't mean *all* marriages are abusive either - which is what you have tried to say about BDSM.
Regardless of all that, the over riding message from this thread is that BDSM and D/s is a wonderful dynamic to explore but it should be done from a position of knowledge and being informed and truly knowing yourself, your wants, the type of person you are looking for and indeed the dangers to watch out for and how to keep yourself safe.
Which in fact are all good things to be aware of in life not just BDSM."It's 100 % true, no sensationalism. I'm a man of my word. | |||
Reply privately (thread closed by moderator) | |||
" Bit of a trumpean approach in my opinion. Surely one’s inability to comprehend makes one unsuitable for the dissemination of knowledge and information. Much like having an engineer teaching medicine. I have a friend who was sexually assaulted in a public toilet, if I employed your logic, women should never walk into a public toilet. Whatever, tell that to the mums and dads too. Saying "whatever" in a dismissive way when faced with knowledgeable and rounded points does not make you either right or appear to be any more knowledgeable you know - in fact it speaks volumes as to your ignorance when it comes to the subject at hand. Whilst you may not understand, or wish to understand (in which case I question the point of you posting) BDSM - it does not mean that when practiced from an informed and consensual starting point by all concerned that it is wrong, or that it should be dismissed as being the practice of people with mental health issues as you have tried to assert. Whatever.
And this week's prize for "Most Predictable Response To A Post" goes to.... Look, you seem a decent man and you give well thought out responses. I posted to highlight the danger. I couldn't care less what you think of me though.
Yes but firstly you didn't need to as it had already been done several times before you posted, by people in an informed and knowledgeable position.
Secondly you did so with sweeping and inaccurate statements (as you always do) that made wild assumptions and cast pretty vile sentiments about a subject you have admitted to having no understanding or knowledge of whatsoever.
And finally you are dismissive of anyone that is informed, and does have an understanding and knowledge, that makes valid points to counter your wild and inaccurate claims.
What did you expect? Everyone to bow to your very obvious lack of knowledge and understanding?
Perhaps if you accepted that your opinion is flawed and largely without basis amongst those that truly understand the BDSM dynamic you might not have got the responses you did.
I don't care about the responses either though. People have a dog in the fight they will defend.
I'm going off my all be it little experience of it. Which has probably affected my mental health lately and I don't even participate in it.
That first sentence says it all really and perhaps if you listened to those that truly know what they are talking about rather than make sweeping statements that have no basis - you might find something to help you with any issues you may personally be experiencing.
It's not about having a dog in the fight either - more when it's obvious someone doesn't know what they are talking about, as you clearly don't on this subject, that they are going to counter any invalid statements that are made with valid ones - which is all people have done. Just sharing a personal tragic story. It will have more impact than just a warning I would hope.
The thing is you've not shared a tragic story just snippets of one that fit your opinion and in doing so have actually derailed a very good and informative thread that contained all the warnings and information that people needed to keep them safe without the need for sensationalism.
By doing so you've detracted from, rather than added to, the information already given and may actually have led to people coming to the wrong conclusions rather than the right ones.
As for background checks we only have your word that the snippets of your story (which conveniently fit your opinion) you have shared are actually true - should we be making background checks to validate it? Either way anyone who knows the lifestyle, dominant or submissive, will know that communication and duty of care are key, and will spend much time discussing boundaries and limits, emotional state and much more before entering into play.
As has been said many times throughout this thread - BDSM is *not* abusive, *some* people who use the term to describe their interests may be, but then *some* people who call themselves husband or wife are abusive, but that doesn't mean *all* marriages are abusive either - which is what you have tried to say about BDSM.
Regardless of all that, the over riding message from this thread is that BDSM and D/s is a wonderful dynamic to explore but it should be done from a position of knowledge and being informed and truly knowing yourself, your wants, the type of person you are looking for and indeed the dangers to watch out for and how to keep yourself safe.
Which in fact are all good things to be aware of in life not just BDSM. It's 100 % true, no sensationalism. I'm a man of my word."I don’t think you know the meaning of “sensationalism” He didn’t question your veracity, rather your approach to share your friends experience. You didn’t just share her experience. You hijacked a humble, informative and unbiased thread, and employed fear tactics to shock people who seek information away from something you know nothing about with your highly biased and uninformed opinion. And you did so in true Daily Mail fashion. But your biggest flaw is your reluctance to accept that someone might possibly know more than you do and allow them to change your mind with something like factual information. | |||
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"Those unfamiliar with BDSM were surprised by a? ??study from Northern Illinois University, which revealed that those involved in BDSM are more consent-minded when it comes to sex acts and less likely to conform to behaviors associated with non consent culture. Practitioners of BDSM displayed “significantly lower levels of benevolent sexism, r**e myth acceptance, and victim-blaming.” In other words, they respect the boundaries of their partner and are less likely to cross the boundaries of personal safety. Even though studies show that BDSM clearly has positive benefits, many who look at these extreme behaviors from the outside perceive this type of sexual behavior as abusive, chaotic, and out of control. Do you do background checks in this? This woman also has a medical condition which means she can be prone to going the hospital and it could be inevitable that her family finds out anyway. Background checks? I ask probing questions, legally I think that's about all I'm allowed to do right? I'd be most annoyed if someone did that to me Not actual background checks. I guess it depends how much they are willing to divulge too. How far do the questions go?
I spend weeks and weeks talking questioning getting to know the person I am going to play with.
I let the play dynamic build over a long period of time and the play is introduced slowly and discussed before and after.
I practice RACK and SSC play in all I Do.
I learn to read the persons i play with and also spend more time with aftercare mentally physically and emotionally.
I also discuss and find out what the person is doing for their own emotional hygiene and mental health wellbeing.
So you would say these Doms are incompetent?"No as I don't know what they did or what happened. I am saying a Dom will take time and it's about understanding. | |||
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"I agree with so much that has been said in the post, its good to see one with practical replies. I agree that there is a huge misconception with domination- not sure if 50 shades of grey is to blame for that, but I chat with a lot of people who like the idea of being dominated but are not entirely sure what to expect. " It goes beyond 50 Shades to be fair - yes that may have bought it to the mainstream more, but BDSM has been around for a lot longer than that - it's just that until the internet came along it was very much underground and the only public awareness of it was the kind of sensationalist stories that the News Of The World and the like would publish, or that you'd occasionally come across in porn magazines (in fact my first awareness of it was finding a spanking magazine when sorting the paper recycling pile at school). It was the internet that bought it to a much wider audience though, and was how I first had my head turned to it, and realised I could identify a lot about myself and long held inner feelings in it. As with most things though, there's good and bad to be had from something being more readily available - the good being it opens it to people that wouldn't otherwise have found it or recognised it in themselves (as was the case with me) - the bad being it opens it to people who don't truly understand it and see it as a means to abuse, or self-gratification, and nothing more. The problem lies on both sides of the coin too - both with dominants and submissives, those that see some BDSM porn and think it's representative, or read *those* books and take them as gospel, and dive in without a thought for what it may truly mean to them, or without getting an understanding of the basic principles. I often say there is no right way to BDSM, other than the way agreed between two (or more) informed and consenting adults, but there are plenty of wrong ways. And that is why threads like this are important, to educate and open eyes, and I think is also one of the reasons that I, and others, have got frustrated when the thread got derailed by sensationalist comments that came from an uninformed position. | |||
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" Bit of a trumpean approach in my opinion. Surely one’s inability to comprehend makes one unsuitable for the dissemination of knowledge and information. Much like having an engineer teaching medicine. I have a friend who was sexually assaulted in a public toilet, if I employed your logic, women should never walk into a public toilet. Whatever, tell that to the mums and dads too. Saying "whatever" in a dismissive way when faced with knowledgeable and rounded points does not make you either right or appear to be any more knowledgeable you know - in fact it speaks volumes as to your ignorance when it comes to the subject at hand. Whilst you may not understand, or wish to understand (in which case I question the point of you posting) BDSM - it does not mean that when practiced from an informed and consensual starting point by all concerned that it is wrong, or that it should be dismissed as being the practice of people with mental health issues as you have tried to assert. Whatever.
And this week's prize for "Most Predictable Response To A Post" goes to.... Look, you seem a decent man and you give well thought out responses. I posted to highlight the danger. I couldn't care less what you think of me though.
Yes but firstly you didn't need to as it had already been done several times before you posted, by people in an informed and knowledgeable position.
Secondly you did so with sweeping and inaccurate statements (as you always do) that made wild assumptions and cast pretty vile sentiments about a subject you have admitted to having no understanding or knowledge of whatsoever.
And finally you are dismissive of anyone that is informed, and does have an understanding and knowledge, that makes valid points to counter your wild and inaccurate claims.
What did you expect? Everyone to bow to your very obvious lack of knowledge and understanding?
Perhaps if you accepted that your opinion is flawed and largely without basis amongst those that truly understand the BDSM dynamic you might not have got the responses you did.
I don't care about the responses either though. People have a dog in the fight they will defend.
I'm going off my all be it little experience of it. Which has probably affected my mental health lately and I don't even participate in it.
That first sentence says it all really and perhaps if you listened to those that truly know what they are talking about rather than make sweeping statements that have no basis - you might find something to help you with any issues you may personally be experiencing.
It's not about having a dog in the fight either - more when it's obvious someone doesn't know what they are talking about, as you clearly don't on this subject, that they are going to counter any invalid statements that are made with valid ones - which is all people have done. Just sharing a personal tragic story. It will have more impact than just a warning I would hope.
The thing is you've not shared a tragic story just snippets of one that fit your opinion and in doing so have actually derailed a very good and informative thread that contained all the warnings and information that people needed to keep them safe without the need for sensationalism.
By doing so you've detracted from, rather than added to, the information already given and may actually have led to people coming to the wrong conclusions rather than the right ones.
As for background checks we only have your word that the snippets of your story (which conveniently fit your opinion) you have shared are actually true - should we be making background checks to validate it? Either way anyone who knows the lifestyle, dominant or submissive, will know that communication and duty of care are key, and will spend much time discussing boundaries and limits, emotional state and much more before entering into play.
As has been said many times throughout this thread - BDSM is *not* abusive, *some* people who use the term to describe their interests may be, but then *some* people who call themselves husband or wife are abusive, but that doesn't mean *all* marriages are abusive either - which is what you have tried to say about BDSM.
Regardless of all that, the over riding message from this thread is that BDSM and D/s is a wonderful dynamic to explore but it should be done from a position of knowledge and being informed and truly knowing yourself, your wants, the type of person you are looking for and indeed the dangers to watch out for and how to keep yourself safe.
Which in fact are all good things to be aware of in life not just BDSM. It's 100 % true, no sensationalism. I'm a man of my word.
I don’t think you know the meaning of “sensationalism”
He didn’t question your veracity, rather your approach to share your friends experience.
You didn’t just share her experience.
You hijacked a humble, informative and unbiased thread, and employed fear tactics to shock people who seek information away from something you know nothing about with your highly biased and uninformed opinion.
And you did so in true Daily Mail fashion.
But your biggest flaw is your reluctance to accept that someone might possibly know more than you do and allow them to change your mind with something like factual information.
"Good, I want certain people to see it. | |||
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" I write in a blunt style and I will say in advance that I do not intend to insult anyone when disagreeing with a view. I am disagreeing with the comment and not the person. To be honest although I disagree entirely with what Mr Blonde said I think his underlying point on sub safety is valid and ties in with OP's point about getting into D/S safely. I disagree with much of what other people have said because in my view most of it is unrealistic, a counsel of perfection from a couples' perspective and is not what happens on the ground in clubs and on websites across this world. I say this on the basis of being an aspiring dom and rigger for four years. Also like Mr Blonde I have as mentioned previously a friend who was fairly new to bdsm. She was a great rope bottom and sub and who had a bad experience and won't now do bdsm. I was at TG on Saturday in the dungeon most of the night and as a result I have deactivated my FL account and have decided to have a time out from kink. Why, the most dangerous people with a flogger were the women with terrible and dangerous technique. Most of the top men were about putting the women over the benches on the pretext of spanking and then groping them. I heard no negotiation or consent discussion from either the tops or the bottoms. Basically the discussion went; do you want try this? I work hard at my kink to make sure anyone I play with is safe but most subs have no lookout for their own safety or ability to choose safely. Alcohol in the mix allows them to try out their fantasy but not to choose wisely in club situations. So with that in mind returning to Mr Blonde's point anyone in FL four years ago would have been aware of the discussions about subs withdrawing their consent after the event. A sub agrees to play. Stuff happens during the play and the sub reflects on it or it finishes and the sub is emotionally distraught and damaged. She says I did not agree to all those things. The top says but you agreed to them before we played and you did not safe word during play. This scenario divided the community some blamed the sub and some blamed the top. The question how is a sub to choose a safe dom in a real world context remains. Particularly where a stereotype of dom is an authoritative person with a roguish twinkle in his eye. No discussion about consent appears in stories. [Side comment people blame 50SOG but in the film there is a good and funny scene about negotiation.] Which is why I think GeminiMan's and Miss Pandora's earlier advice still stands true. In the real world dom's and subs are in it for their own enjoyment. Any sub that says to me "I do anything", I say "I will get my baseball bat and branding irons". A sub says that to the wrong dom he rightly will think "Happy days!". All the comments about real dom's are some embodiment of a holy man is not in my view real. Talking to me friend I was stunned by the number of inept and non empathic doms out there. But even more stunned by the number of subs that choose to play with them or enter relationships with them. To me it is a question of helping subs through the minefield of bad boys to safely find her own bad boy or have a safe experience in any scenario. " | |||
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"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is? A dominant is a caring and nurturing personality. They are an alpha personality, but will only take charge based on your personal boundaries and limits. They have a duty of care, so checking that you are okay, is actually a great dominant trait, that a genuine dominant will have. Perhaps you need to look at other dynamics, such as the Master/slave and sadist/masochist. Do some research, so you know truly what it is you are looking for Alpha? Men who like to hurt women? Nothing Alpha about that. Most of these men are unsuccessful with women.
There is a difference between and alpha/Dom male and an abuser.
A true alpha make is confident and vabuserod at reading people. They don't go round hurting women. As I said that's an abuser.
Unless you are saying that consensual BDSM is just about hurting women
A real man doesn't hurt women. Some of that shit is just abuse, it makes me sick. tottaly agree, this is just abuse covered up as some sort of pleasure.... wake up guys and gals."So a lady I know who waited for an hour until a specific DM came free to be beaten by that DM was being abused? I suspect you do not know the difference between consent and abuse. In your world any contact sport ought to be banned. As for the statement real man don't hurt women. Then male tattooists would be banned as would male surgeons. Not forgetting male masseuse who do sport massage. For many male and female subs the sessions are as therapeutic as any of the above non invasive practitioners. Actually there are people who like an invasive play. I also note no comment on the male subs who like to be thrashed or like the balls kicked. Should not your comment also include real women should not hurt men? | |||
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"I've posted about this before so apologies if I'm dull but I'm interested in domination. I understand that the power often sits with the sub but i find that there are 'Doms' who are desperate to keep my interest so that they already show me that I have the power. That kind of ruins the illusion as I want to feel powerless. I've chatted to one guy in particular who messaged me at work so I had to ignore the message, then I had lots of messages checking i was ok, was i still interested etc. Am i confused about what a Dom is?" When I was in a reg D/s I liked to be able to check on my sub as and when. It was negotiated and so was expected and agreed to by my sub that I may message through the day to check on them and ask about their day. | |||
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"The usual dollop of common sense from Mr Zensual " I suspect the lack of reference to male submissives who seek out intense physical scenes is due to the pervasive sexism on these boards resulting in posters not being able to countenance men willing doing so. In my experience male submissives are significantly more interested in intense physical play than female ones. | |||
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"Those unfamiliar with BDSM were surprised by a? ??study from Northern Illinois University, which revealed that those involved in BDSM are more consent-minded when it comes to sex acts and less likely to conform to behaviors associated with non consent culture. Practitioners of BDSM displayed “significantly lower levels of benevolent sexism, r**e myth acceptance, and victim-blaming.” In other words, they respect the boundaries of their partner and are less likely to cross the boundaries of personal safety. Even though studies show that BDSM clearly has positive benefits, many who look at these extreme behaviors from the outside perceive this type of sexual behavior as abusive, chaotic, and out of control. Do you do background checks in this? This woman also has a medical condition which means she can be prone to going the hospital and it could be inevitable that her family finds out anyway. Background checks? I ask probing questions, legally I think that's about all I'm allowed to do right? I'd be most annoyed if someone did that to me Not actual background checks. I guess it depends how much they are willing to divulge too. How far do the questions go?
I spend weeks and weeks talking questioning getting to know the person I am going to play with.
I let the play dynamic build over a long period of time and the play is introduced slowly and discussed before and after.
I practice RACK and SSC play in all I Do.
I learn to read the persons i play with and also spend more time with aftercare mentally physically and emotionally.
I also discuss and find out what the person is doing for their own emotional hygiene and mental health wellbeing.
So you would say these Doms are incompetent?
No as I don't know what they did or what happened.
I am saying a Dom will take time and it's about understanding.
"Well going off your responses they sound pretty incompetent to me. | |||
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"The usual dollop of common sense from Mr Zensual I suspect the lack of reference to male submissives who seek out intense physical scenes is due to the pervasive sexism on these boards resulting in posters not being able to countenance men willing doing so. In my experience male submissives are significantly more interested in intense physical play than female ones." There does seem to be an assumption on the part of many that don't understand BDSM that submissive = female and dominant = male, or that where a male is submissive he ascribes to the "pathetic little worm" school of submissiveness. Maybe it is due to an inherent sexism, or possibly it's down to some level of those that don't understand wanting to somehow protect and not believing a male needs protection. An interesting thought that is worth further ponderance. Someone made an interesting point further upthread about a conversation with a colleague who believed all Doms were bullies and when it was pointed out that there are some women Dommes who play with male subs, the response was something along the lines of those male subs being creepy little perverts (with apologies to whoever I have paraphrased badly and from memory). Anything I have said on this thread, applies equally to men or women regardless of their role, wants or desires. As a male submissive I don't think of myself as abused or perverted (well only in a good way ) and certainly wouldn't give my submission to the first Dom/me that happened along and cracked a whip - everything I have said I would put into practice if the situation ever arose. | |||
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" I spend weeks and weeks talking questioning getting to know the person I am going to play with. I let the play dynamic build over a long period of time and the play is introduced slowly and discussed before and after. I practice RACK and SSC play in all I Do. I learn to read the persons i play with and also spend more time with aftercare mentally physically and emotionally. I also discuss and find out what the person is doing for their own emotional hygiene and mental health wellbeing. So you would say these Doms are incompetent? No as I don't know what they did or what happened. I am saying a Dom will take time and it's about understanding. Well going off your responses they sound pretty incompetent to me. " From the very little information you have shared it sounds like your friend got involved with the wrong people for sure - obviously whether she approached it from an informed position (as has been suggested should be the case many times in this thread) is another thing we don't know but may have helped her avoid that situation - NOT that I am victim blaming in any way, shape or form, but as I said right at the start, you can never know too much, but you can know too little - and personal safety should always be the priority for anyone seeking to get involved in BDSM. | |||
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"The usual dollop of common sense from Mr Zensual I suspect the lack of reference to male submissives who seek out intense physical scenes is due to the pervasive sexism on these boards resulting in posters not being able to countenance men willing doing so. In my experience male submissives are significantly more interested in intense physical play than female ones. There does seem to be an assumption on the part of many that don't understand BDSM that submissive = female and dominant = male, or that where a male is submissive he ascribes to the "pathetic little worm" school of submissiveness. Maybe it is due to an inherent sexism, or possibly it's down to some level of those that don't understand wanting to somehow protect and not believing a male needs protection. An interesting thought that is worth further ponderance. Someone made an interesting point further upthread about a conversation with a colleague who believed all Doms were bullies and when it was pointed out that there are some women Dommes who play with male subs, the response was something along the lines of those male subs being creepy little perverts (with apologies to whoever I have paraphrased badly and from memory). Anything I have said on this thread, applies equally to men or women regardless of their role, wants or desires. As a male submissive I don't think of myself as abused or perverted (well only in a good way ) and certainly wouldn't give my submission to the first Dom/me that happened along and cracked a whip - everything I have said I would put into practice if the situation ever arose."Much is made of protecting female subs but there is little discussion of protection of male subs. There are many including women who prey on male subs' vulnerabilities. Additionally it is my genuine view the scene is harder for male submissives who open to all the exploitation that happens to women but receiving little sympathy. Either because it is assumed they are gay and so not a problem for straight people. Or because they are submissive and men and something is inherently wrong with them. I always see relationship between James Bond and M's as played by Judi Dench and Daniel Craig is more than employer and employee and is almost sub and domme. | |||
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" I spend weeks and weeks talking questioning getting to know the person I am going to play with. I let the play dynamic build over a long period of time and the play is introduced slowly and discussed before and after. I practice RACK and SSC play in all I Do. I learn to read the persons i play with and also spend more time with aftercare mentally physically and emotionally. I also discuss and find out what the person is doing for their own emotional hygiene and mental health wellbeing. So you would say these Doms are incompetent? No as I don't know what they did or what happened. I am saying a Dom will take time and it's about understanding. Well going off your responses they sound pretty incompetent to me. From the very little information you have shared it sounds like your friend got involved with the wrong people for sure - obviously whether she approached it from an informed position (as has been suggested should be the case many times in this thread) is another thing we don't know but may have helped her avoid that situation - NOT that I am victim blaming in any way, shape or form, but as I said right at the start, you can never know too much, but you can know too little - and personal safety should always be the priority for anyone seeking to get involved in BDSM." Even going off your responses they sound incompetent. These men are held in high regard in this community too so it is even more frustrating. They might suffer the consequences for what they have done. | |||
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" I spend weeks and weeks talking questioning getting to know the person I am going to play with. I let the play dynamic build over a long period of time and the play is introduced slowly and discussed before and after. I practice RACK and SSC play in all I Do. I learn to read the persons i play with and also spend more time with aftercare mentally physically and emotionally. I also discuss and find out what the person is doing for their own emotional hygiene and mental health wellbeing. So you would say these Doms are incompetent? No as I don't know what they did or what happened. I am saying a Dom will take time and it's about understanding. Well going off your responses they sound pretty incompetent to me. From the very little information you have shared it sounds like your friend got involved with the wrong people for sure - obviously whether she approached it from an informed position (as has been suggested should be the case many times in this thread) is another thing we don't know but may have helped her avoid that situation - NOT that I am victim blaming in any way, shape or form, but as I said right at the start, you can never know too much, but you can know too little - and personal safety should always be the priority for anyone seeking to get involved in BDSM. Even going off your responses they sound incompetent. These men are held in high regard in this community too so it is even more frustrating. They might suffer the consequences for what they have done." It's very hard to comment on your last statement as we don't know the full story and who these people are. Not all people who say they are experienced and known within the lifestyle are. Surprise surprise people do lie. That does not mean everyone in the BDSM lifestyle does. But I feel we are going around d in circles here. You have made a decision based on what you have heard and that is your choice. In the long run your statement has not really benefited anyone as all you have done is thrown the it's abuse card around. One of the big issues is some believe (and I have met subs like this) who feel like they have no responsibility to keep themselves safe. It's just as important that anyone coming into the scene learns about keeping themselves safe Dom sub switch male female it does not matter We all have a personal responsibility to ourselves. I have had people who have never played wanting to try some of my toys like a single tail whip etc and have got abusive to me when I have said no due to them not understanding it So as I have said my heart goes out to your friend if she has had a negative experience of the scene but don't blame the lifestyle blame the individuals | |||
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" I spend weeks and weeks talking questioning getting to know the person I am going to play with. I let the play dynamic build over a long period of time and the play is introduced slowly and discussed before and after. I practice RACK and SSC play in all I Do. I learn to read the persons i play with and also spend more time with aftercare mentally physically and emotionally. I also discuss and find out what the person is doing for their own emotional hygiene and mental health wellbeing. So you would say these Doms are incompetent? No as I don't know what they did or what happened. I am saying a Dom will take time and it's about understanding. Well going off your responses they sound pretty incompetent to me. From the very little information you have shared it sounds like your friend got involved with the wrong people for sure - obviously whether she approached it from an informed position (as has been suggested should be the case many times in this thread) is another thing we don't know but may have helped her avoid that situation - NOT that I am victim blaming in any way, shape or form, but as I said right at the start, you can never know too much, but you can know too little - and personal safety should always be the priority for anyone seeking to get involved in BDSM. Even going off your responses they sound incompetent. These men are held in high regard in this community too so it is even more frustrating. They might suffer the consequences for what they have done. It's very hard to comment on your last statement as we don't know the full story and who these people are. Not all people who say they are experienced and known within the lifestyle are. Surprise surprise people do lie. That does not mean everyone in the BDSM lifestyle does. But I feel we are going around d in circles here. You have made a decision based on what you have heard and that is your choice. In the long run your statement has not really benefited anyone as all you have done is thrown the it's abuse card around. One of the big issues is some believe (and I have met subs like this) who feel like they have no responsibility to keep themselves safe. It's just as important that anyone coming into the scene learns about keeping themselves safe Dom sub switch male female it does not matter We all have a personal responsibility to ourselves. I have had people who have never played wanting to try some of my toys like a single tail whip etc and have got abusive to me when I have said no due to them not understanding it So as I have said my heart goes out to your friend if she has had a negative experience of the scene but don't blame the lifestyle blame the individuals " | |||
Reply privately (thread closed by moderator) | |||
"The usual dollop of common sense from Mr Zensual I suspect the lack of reference to male submissives who seek out intense physical scenes is due to the pervasive sexism on these boards resulting in posters not being able to countenance men willing doing so. In my experience male submissives are significantly more interested in intense physical play than female ones. There does seem to be an assumption on the part of many that don't understand BDSM that submissive = female and dominant = male, or that where a male is submissive he ascribes to the "pathetic little worm" school of submissiveness. Maybe it is due to an inherent sexism, or possibly it's down to some level of those that don't understand wanting to somehow protect and not believing a male needs protection. An interesting thought that is worth further ponderance. Someone made an interesting point further upthread about a conversation with a colleague who believed all Doms were bullies and when it was pointed out that there are some women Dommes who play with male subs, the response was something along the lines of those male subs being creepy little perverts (with apologies to whoever I have paraphrased badly and from memory). Anything I have said on this thread, applies equally to men or women regardless of their role, wants or desires. As a male submissive I don't think of myself as abused or perverted (well only in a good way ) and certainly wouldn't give my submission to the first Dom/me that happened along and cracked a whip - everything I have said I would put into practice if the situation ever arose.
Much is made of protecting female subs but there is little discussion of protection of male subs. There are many including women who prey on male subs' vulnerabilities.
Additionally it is my genuine view the scene is harder for male submissives who open to all the exploitation that happens to women but receiving little sympathy. Either because it is assumed they are gay and so not a problem for straight people. Or because they are submissive and men and something is inherently wrong with them.
I always see relationship between James Bond and M's as played by Judi Dench and Daniel Craig is more than employer and employee and is almost sub and domme.
"I think one of the problems with male submissives is much like single males in the swinging world, they are in the majority looking to find a minority and as such *some* will jump at the first opportunity that comes along with disregard for their safety, and without actually understanding what BDSM is - many will have seen BDSM porn and been turned on by it and think that is representative of what BDSM is, just as many male Doms will, when that couldn't be further from the truth. Personally I have had an interest in BDSM and recognised my submissive side for over 20 years now and in that time have truly "scened" once - partly because of circumstances but mostly because for me to give my submission it has to be to the right person not just *any* person that happens to call themselves dominant, and finding that right person is at the heart of my submission not only for my own personal safety, but because it wouldn't work any other way. | |||
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" I spend weeks and weeks talking questioning getting to know the person I am going to play with. I let the play dynamic build over a long period of time and the play is introduced slowly and discussed before and after. I practice RACK and SSC play in all I Do. I learn to read the persons i play with and also spend more time with aftercare mentally physically and emotionally. I also discuss and find out what the person is doing for their own emotional hygiene and mental health wellbeing. So you would say these Doms are incompetent? No as I don't know what they did or what happened. I am saying a Dom will take time and it's about understanding. Well going off your responses they sound pretty incompetent to me. From the very little information you have shared it sounds like your friend got involved with the wrong people for sure - obviously whether she approached it from an informed position (as has been suggested should be the case many times in this thread) is another thing we don't know but may have helped her avoid that situation - NOT that I am victim blaming in any way, shape or form, but as I said right at the start, you can never know too much, but you can know too little - and personal safety should always be the priority for anyone seeking to get involved in BDSM. Even going off your responses they sound incompetent. These men are held in high regard in this community too so it is even more frustrating. They might suffer the consequences for what they have done. It's very hard to comment on your last statement as we don't know the full story and who these people are. Not all people who say they are experienced and known within the lifestyle are. Surprise surprise people do lie. That does not mean everyone in the BDSM lifestyle does. But I feel we are going around d in circles here. You have made a decision based on what you have heard and that is your choice. In the long run your statement has not really benefited anyone as all you have done is thrown the it's abuse card around. One of the big issues is some believe (and I have met subs like this) who feel like they have no responsibility to keep themselves safe. It's just as important that anyone coming into the scene learns about keeping themselves safe Dom sub switch male female it does not matter We all have a personal responsibility to ourselves. I have had people who have never played wanting to try some of my toys like a single tail whip etc and have got abusive to me when I have said no due to them not understanding it So as I have said my heart goes out to your friend if she has had a negative experience of the scene but don't blame the lifestyle blame the individuals " I think I was one of the first people over three years ago to emphasis PRICK in kink (Personal responsibility informed consensual kink) where people where still talking about and still talk about RACK, and safe and sane. Although I still believe in it, however due to becoming more aware of what has been happening to newby subs on the scene I think there still has to be emphasised that there is an overriding duty on tops and doms to keep bottoms and subs safe. It is no point the dom being distraught or devastated where an individual has been left feeling inately violated or even worse left physically damaged. With my friend people say she should have done x,y or z. Then I show the pictures and then it's "Oh fuck, ok" The disparity of the consequences are such that dom's should not be allowed to palm off responsibility. Your example is perfect, there are so many single doms out there that are not getting the chance to play that when a someone falls in their hands they do not see the situation as playing with another human but a toy to carry out their desires without thinking of the consequences. These are not bad human beings but opportunity goes to their heads and they do bad things unthinkingly. So rather than not use the whip as you did they go ahead and do it. I was told a story of a dom that bolted from a hotel leaving the sub crying. What had he done? Inserted a dildo up her arse with no lube. FFS what would induce such an act and then having done so not take responsibility and run? I have seriously been left speechless by the sh#t that happens. As I said previously just looking at what was happening at TG has made me turn in my kink membership badge. | |||
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"Where are these so called "Alpha, Dominant males" to defend? Only tough with women I guess. Don't even reply to me. " There are several replies to your posts, above. | |||
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"Where are these so called "Alpha, Dominant males" to defend? Only tough with women I guess. Don't even reply to me. There are several replies to your posts, above." Not what I was referring to. | |||
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"Where are these so called "Alpha, Dominant males" to defend? Only tough with women I guess. Don't even reply to me. There are several replies to your posts, above." Ignore him, he's just pot stirring again, despite it having been made clear further up that he clearly doesn't understand the dynamic | |||
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"Where are these so called "Alpha, Dominant males" to defend? Only tough with women I guess. Don't even reply to me. There are several replies to your posts, above. Ignore him, he's just pot stirring again, despite it having been made clear further up that he clearly doesn't understand the dynamic " | |||
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"Where are these so called "Alpha, Dominant males" to defend? Only tough with women I guess. Don't even reply to me. There are several replies to your posts, above. Ignore him, he's just pot stirring again, despite it having been made clear further up that he clearly doesn't understand the dynamic "I understand the difference between right and wrong. That's it, I'll just ignore forever, you won't be able to write anymore essays to my responses. | |||
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"Where are these so called "Alpha, Dominant males" to defend? Only tough with women I guess. Don't even reply to me. There are several replies to your posts, above. Ignore him, he's just pot stirring again, despite it having been made clear further up that he clearly doesn't understand the dynamic I understand the difference between right and wrong. That's it, I'll just ignore forever, you won't be able to write anymore essays to my responses. "You're blindsided to one way of thinking based on someone else's tragic experience. One wife beater doesn't make all men animals. Just as one vile dom doesn't make the DS dynamic wrong. I've lived the dynamic for nearly 20 years and have had one terrible experience. That's one too many. But it doesn't define the dynamic. I think emotion has got in the way of logic here. | |||
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"Where are these so called "Alpha, Dominant males" to defend? Only tough with women I guess. Don't even reply to me. There are several replies to your posts, above. Ignore him, he's just pot stirring again, despite it having been made clear further up that he clearly doesn't understand the dynamic I understand the difference between right and wrong. That's it, I'll just ignore forever, you won't be able to write anymore essays to my responses.
You're blindsided to one way of thinking based on someone else's tragic experience. One wife beater doesn't make all men animals. Just as one vile dom doesn't make the DS dynamic wrong. I've lived the dynamic for nearly 20 years and have had one terrible experience. That's one too many. But it doesn't define the dynamic. I think emotion has got in the way of logic here."My logic is sound. Some of this stuff has zero logic whatsoever in a massive landslide opinion. The emotion I feel is guilt like Schindler at the end of Schindler's list thinking I could of done more. | |||
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"Where are these so called "Alpha, Dominant males" to defend? Only tough with women I guess. Don't even reply to me. There are several replies to your posts, above. Ignore him, he's just pot stirring again, despite it having been made clear further up that he clearly doesn't understand the dynamic I understand the difference between right and wrong. That's it, I'll just ignore forever, you won't be able to write anymore essays to my responses.
You're blindsided to one way of thinking based on someone else's tragic experience. One wife beater doesn't make all men animals. Just as one vile dom doesn't make the DS dynamic wrong. I've lived the dynamic for nearly 20 years and have had one terrible experience. That's one too many. But it doesn't define the dynamic. I think emotion has got in the way of logic here. My logic is sound. Some of this stuff has zero logic whatsoever in a massive landslide opinion. The emotion I feel is guilt like Schindler at the end of Schindler's list thinking I could of done more. "No, it has zero logic for you, in your opinion, because you don't understand the dynamic and are basing your opinion on one incident that everyone on this thread has said is tragic and should not have happened but bears no relevance to the ethos of BDSM which has at it's heart a duty of care and consent amongst other things. No-one is saying that what happened to your friend is right, not at all - but you cannot tar a whole scene and community with the same brush because of it either. For what it's worth I hope your friend gets past the experience, and whilst it's difficult to say without knowing the detail, but IF those that caused her harm have done so in an abusive way, and without consent or boundaries being respected etc - then I hope they get all they deserve. | |||
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"Where are these so called "Alpha, Dominant males" to defend? Only tough with women I guess. Don't even reply to me. There are several replies to your posts, above. Ignore him, he's just pot stirring again, despite it having been made clear further up that he clearly doesn't understand the dynamic I understand the difference between right and wrong. That's it, I'll just ignore forever, you won't be able to write anymore essays to my responses.
You're blindsided to one way of thinking based on someone else's tragic experience. One wife beater doesn't make all men animals. Just as one vile dom doesn't make the DS dynamic wrong. I've lived the dynamic for nearly 20 years and have had one terrible experience. That's one too many. But it doesn't define the dynamic. I think emotion has got in the way of logic here. My logic is sound. Some of this stuff has zero logic whatsoever in a massive landslide opinion. The emotion I feel is guilt like Schindler at the end of Schindler's list thinking I could of done more. "Making sense... Does dressing as a nurse? What about watersports or sharing partners?!? None of this is about sense. You're transferring responsibility from an individual male onto a whole scene. Do I blame all men for my attack?!? No.. I blame the one individual who behaved in a sadistic and criminal way. | |||
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"Where are these so called "Alpha, Dominant males" to defend? Only tough with women I guess. Don't even reply to me. There are several replies to your posts, above. Ignore him, he's just pot stirring again, despite it having been made clear further up that he clearly doesn't understand the dynamic I understand the difference between right and wrong. That's it, I'll just ignore forever, you won't be able to write anymore essays to my responses.
You're blindsided to one way of thinking based on someone else's tragic experience. One wife beater doesn't make all men animals. Just as one vile dom doesn't make the DS dynamic wrong. I've lived the dynamic for nearly 20 years and have had one terrible experience. That's one too many. But it doesn't define the dynamic. I think emotion has got in the way of logic here. My logic is sound. Some of this stuff has zero logic whatsoever in a massive landslide opinion. The emotion I feel is guilt like Schindler at the end of Schindler's list thinking I could of done more.
Making sense... Does dressing as a nurse? What about watersports or sharing partners?!? None of this is about sense. You're transferring responsibility from an individual male onto a whole scene. Do I blame all men for my attack?!? No.. I blame the one individual who behaved in a sadistic and criminal way. "They don't have the same implications on your life like having slut carved into your thigh. Yeah I'm just warning people, the least i can do. This is from so called experienced Dom's who are still at large. | |||
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"Where are these so called "Alpha, Dominant males" to defend? Only tough with women I guess. Don't even reply to me. There are several replies to your posts, above. Ignore him, he's just pot stirring again, despite it having been made clear further up that he clearly doesn't understand the dynamic I understand the difference between right and wrong. That's it, I'll just ignore forever, you won't be able to write anymore essays to my responses.
You're blindsided to one way of thinking based on someone else's tragic experience. One wife beater doesn't make all men animals. Just as one vile dom doesn't make the DS dynamic wrong. I've lived the dynamic for nearly 20 years and have had one terrible experience. That's one too many. But it doesn't define the dynamic. I think emotion has got in the way of logic here. My logic is sound. Some of this stuff has zero logic whatsoever in a massive landslide opinion. The emotion I feel is guilt like Schindler at the end of Schindler's list thinking I could of done more.
Making sense... Does dressing as a nurse? What about watersports or sharing partners?!? None of this is about sense. You're transferring responsibility from an individual male onto a whole scene. Do I blame all men for my attack?!? No.. I blame the one individual who behaved in a sadistic and criminal way. They don't have the same implications on your life like having slut carved into your thigh. Yeah I'm just warning people, the least i can do. This is from so called experienced Dom's who are still at large. "That's not a dom it's a sadist. Don't give him the satisfaction of a title he doesn't deserve. It's exactly the same as people who groom or bully. They're not men they're beasts. Not every dom is cruel just like every man is not a bully. There are disguised criminals in every walk of life. | |||
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"Where are these so called "Alpha, Dominant males" to defend? Only tough with women I guess. Don't even reply to me. There are several replies to your posts, above. Ignore him, he's just pot stirring again, despite it having been made clear further up that he clearly doesn't understand the dynamic I understand the difference between right and wrong. That's it, I'll just ignore forever, you won't be able to write anymore essays to my responses.
You're blindsided to one way of thinking based on someone else's tragic experience. One wife beater doesn't make all men animals. Just as one vile dom doesn't make the DS dynamic wrong. I've lived the dynamic for nearly 20 years and have had one terrible experience. That's one too many. But it doesn't define the dynamic. I think emotion has got in the way of logic here. My logic is sound. Some of this stuff has zero logic whatsoever in a massive landslide opinion. The emotion I feel is guilt like Schindler at the end of Schindler's list thinking I could of done more.
Making sense... Does dressing as a nurse? What about watersports or sharing partners?!? None of this is about sense. You're transferring responsibility from an individual male onto a whole scene. Do I blame all men for my attack?!? No.. I blame the one individual who behaved in a sadistic and criminal way. They don't have the same implications on your life like having slut carved into your thigh. Yeah I'm just warning people, the least i can do. This is from so called experienced Dom's who are still at large.
That's not a dom it's a sadist. Don't give him the satisfaction of a title he doesn't deserve. It's exactly the same as people who groom or bully. They're not men they're beasts. Not every dom is cruel just like every man is not a bully. There are disguised criminals in every walk of life. "Whatever they're called. Not even men in my book. Think it might be considered criminal actually gonna have a word to my mate in the police about it at the good club. | |||
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"Where are these so called "Alpha, Dominant males" to defend? Only tough with women I guess. Don't even reply to me. There are several replies to your posts, above. Ignore him, he's just pot stirring again, despite it having been made clear further up that he clearly doesn't understand the dynamic I understand the difference between right and wrong. That's it, I'll just ignore forever, you won't be able to write anymore essays to my responses.
You're blindsided to one way of thinking based on someone else's tragic experience. One wife beater doesn't make all men animals. Just as one vile dom doesn't make the DS dynamic wrong. I've lived the dynamic for nearly 20 years and have had one terrible experience. That's one too many. But it doesn't define the dynamic. I think emotion has got in the way of logic here. My logic is sound. Some of this stuff has zero logic whatsoever in a massive landslide opinion. The emotion I feel is guilt like Schindler at the end of Schindler's list thinking I could of done more.
Making sense... Does dressing as a nurse? What about watersports or sharing partners?!? None of this is about sense. You're transferring responsibility from an individual male onto a whole scene. Do I blame all men for my attack?!? No.. I blame the one individual who behaved in a sadistic and criminal way. They don't have the same implications on your life like having slut carved into your thigh. Yeah I'm just warning people, the least i can do. This is from so called experienced Dom's who are still at large.
That's not a dom it's a sadist. Don't give him the satisfaction of a title he doesn't deserve. It's exactly the same as people who groom or bully. They're not men they're beasts. Not every dom is cruel just like every man is not a bully. There are disguised criminals in every walk of life. Whatever they're called. Not even men in my book. Think it might be considered criminal actually gonna have a word to my mate in the police about it at the good club."If we define every person by what they call themselves when committing a crime we are in trouble. Like everything on here DS is about consensual play. It's exactly the same as someone pulling a knife on a play date. Bloody terrifying and completely unacceptable. It was a facade for sadism, not ever about consensual anything. | |||
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"Really is this thread still going around in circles. Why are we feeding his attention seeking any longer. ??" So you wouldn't mind if someone carved slut into your daughter? | |||
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"Really is this thread still going around in circles. Why are we feeding his attention seeking any longer. ?? So you wouldn't mind if someone carved slut into your daughter?" But that's not Dominantion in any way shape or form. That's gbh, assault and very illegal. Sure there are those into branding and such but that is very niche and not something the majority if people pursue and if they do then it's between them and involves a lot of discussion and preparation including clear written consent. | |||
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"Really is this thread still going around in circles. Why are we feeding his attention seeking any longer. ?? So you wouldn't mind if someone carved slut into your daughter? But that's not Dominantion in any way shape or form. That's gbh, assault and very illegal. Sure there are those into branding and such but that is very niche and not something the majority if people pursue and if they do then it's between them and involves a lot of discussion and preparation including clear written consent." Well it started with this BDSM. She went to a munch and within a month she was scarred with that shit. | |||
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"Really is this thread still going around in circles. Why are we feeding his attention seeking any longer. ?? So you wouldn't mind if someone carved slut into your daughter?" No-one has said that at all, stop trying to put words into people's mouths - just about every other poster on this thread has said what allegedly happened to your friend is wrong and has no place in BDSM, just as many posters, before you even joined the thread with your accusations of mental health issues amongst the majority of people who practice BDSM, had warned of the dangers of meeting the wrong people and how everyone Dom, sub, switch and every other shade in between should be on their guard. So there is no need to continually try and stir the pot, or reinforce a message that had already been given far more eloquently and less confrontationally than you ever could. Simple fact of the matter is there are dangerous people who call themselves dominants, just as there are abusive people who call themselves husbands, wives or parents, or people who touch inappropriately and have a sense of entitlement who call themselves swingers - none of them are in the right, that is clear, however it doesn't mean that *all* dominants, spouses, parents or swingers are like that and to tar them with the same brush as you continually try to do is wrong and not actually helping at all. | |||
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"Really is this thread still going around in circles. Why are we feeding his attention seeking any longer. ?? So you wouldn't mind if someone carved slut into your daughter? But that's not Dominantion in any way shape or form. That's gbh, assault and very illegal. Sure there are those into branding and such but that is very niche and not something the majority if people pursue and if they do then it's between them and involves a lot of discussion and preparation including clear written consent. Well it started with this BDSM. She went to a munch and within a month she was scarred with that shit." And it could have been a fab meet, vanilla meet or any other kind of meet. Those kinds of predators move everywhere in everyday life. Labelling everyone that identifies as Dominant as a monster is wrong. The ones that really are Dominant are actually the complete opposite of what you describe. | |||
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"Really is this thread still going around in circles. Why are we feeding his attention seeking any longer. ?? So you wouldn't mind if someone carved slut into your daughter? But that's not Dominantion in any way shape or form. That's gbh, assault and very illegal. Sure there are those into branding and such but that is very niche and not something the majority if people pursue and if they do then it's between them and involves a lot of discussion and preparation including clear written consent. Well it started with this BDSM. She went to a munch and within a month she was scarred with that shit. And it could have been a fab meet, vanilla meet or any other kind of meet. Those kinds of predators move everywhere in everyday life. Labelling everyone that identifies as Dominant as a monster is wrong. The ones that really are Dominant are actually the complete opposite of what you describe." Maybe but not as likely as getting into this stuff. What sane woman would agree to that? I don't think there was written consent either. Been mind controlled. Too late for her, could be fucked for life. Just want other people aware. | |||
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"Really is this thread still going around in circles. Why are we feeding his attention seeking any longer. ?? So you wouldn't mind if someone carved slut into your daughter?" In the long run it's totally up to two consenting adults what they do. I know people who have been branded and had scarification that are not into BDSM and it was their choice to have it done. Take tattooing you can end up regretting a tattoo but if you choice to do it in the first place you can then not complain about the tattioist. | |||
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"Really is this thread still going around in circles. Why are we feeding his attention seeking any longer. ?? So you wouldn't mind if someone carved slut into your daughter? But that's not Dominantion in any way shape or form. That's gbh, assault and very illegal. Sure there are those into branding and such but that is very niche and not something the majority if people pursue and if they do then it's between them and involves a lot of discussion and preparation including clear written consent. Well it started with this BDSM. She went to a munch and within a month she was scarred with that shit. And it could have been a fab meet, vanilla meet or any other kind of meet. Those kinds of predators move everywhere in everyday life. Labelling everyone that identifies as Dominant as a monster is wrong. The ones that really are Dominant are actually the complete opposite of what you describe. Maybe but not as likely as getting into this stuff. What sane woman would agree to that? I don't think there was written consent either. Been mind controlled. Too late for her, could be fucked for life. Just want other people aware. " So you are saying your friend was mentally unstable and did not consent to having it done. Or are you saying that she does not know her own mind and cohesion was going on. Has she reported to the police. | |||
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"Really is this thread still going around in circles. Why are we feeding his attention seeking any longer. ?? So you wouldn't mind if someone carved slut into your daughter? But that's not Dominantion in any way shape or form. That's gbh, assault and very illegal. Sure there are those into branding and such but that is very niche and not something the majority if people pursue and if they do then it's between them and involves a lot of discussion and preparation including clear written consent. Well it started with this BDSM. She went to a munch and within a month she was scarred with that shit. And it could have been a fab meet, vanilla meet or any other kind of meet. Those kinds of predators move everywhere in everyday life. Labelling everyone that identifies as Dominant as a monster is wrong. The ones that really are Dominant are actually the complete opposite of what you describe. Maybe but not as likely as getting into this stuff. What sane woman would agree to that? I don't think there was written consent either. Been mind controlled. Too late for her, could be fucked for life. Just want other people aware. So you are saying your friend was mentally unstable and did not consent to having it done. Or are you saying that she does not know her own mind and cohesion was going on. Has she reported to the police. " Read the thread, does she compus mentis to you. | |||
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"Really is this thread still going around in circles. Why are we feeding his attention seeking any longer. ?? So you wouldn't mind if someone carved slut into your daughter? But that's not Dominantion in any way shape or form. That's gbh, assault and very illegal. Sure there are those into branding and such but that is very niche and not something the majority if people pursue and if they do then it's between them and involves a lot of discussion and preparation including clear written consent. Well it started with this BDSM. She went to a munch and within a month she was scarred with that shit. And it could have been a fab meet, vanilla meet or any other kind of meet. Those kinds of predators move everywhere in everyday life. Labelling everyone that identifies as Dominant as a monster is wrong. The ones that really are Dominant are actually the complete opposite of what you describe. Maybe but not as likely as getting into this stuff. What sane woman would agree to that? I don't think there was written consent either. Been mind controlled. Too late for her, could be fucked for life. Just want other people aware. So you are saying your friend was mentally unstable and did not consent to having it done. Or are you saying that she does not know her own mind and cohesion was going on. Has she reported to the police. Read the thread, does she compus mentis to you. " I don't know as I have not met her and I don't make accusations about someone's mental well-being from comments made from a thrift person. Also did she report it to the police Did she consent to do that play in the first place Has she now left the person that did it. Has she taken any action against them | |||
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"Really is this thread still going around in circles. Why are we feeding his attention seeking any longer. ?? So you wouldn't mind if someone carved slut into your daughter? But that's not Dominantion in any way shape or form. That's gbh, assault and very illegal. Sure there are those into branding and such but that is very niche and not something the majority if people pursue and if they do then it's between them and involves a lot of discussion and preparation including clear written consent. Well it started with this BDSM. She went to a munch and within a month she was scarred with that shit. And it could have been a fab meet, vanilla meet or any other kind of meet. Those kinds of predators move everywhere in everyday life. Labelling everyone that identifies as Dominant as a monster is wrong. The ones that really are Dominant are actually the complete opposite of what you describe. Maybe but not as likely as getting into this stuff. What sane woman would agree to that? I don't think there was written consent either. Been mind controlled. Too late for her, could be fucked for life. Just want other people aware. So you are saying your friend was mentally unstable and did not consent to having it done. Or are you saying that she does not know her own mind and cohesion was going on. Has she reported to the police. Read the thread, does she compus mentis to you. " We couldn't possibly know - you've shared snippets, all of which fit your standpoint, and don't know the lady in question. From what you have shared she does sound like she went into a situation blindly and without having her guard up, which is the point that many on this thread have made about the importance of being informed and knowledgeable about the lifestyle - that's not to blame her in any eay shape or form *IF* this happened and she found herself in an abusive situation though. And that is why it's important that anyone entering into BDSM does so from a position of knowledge and the ability to safeguard themselves as has been said many times since the first response to this thread - there *are* those out there that will be abusive, just as there are in any walk of life, *but* they are in the minority and not representative of the BDSM community as a whole who have a duty of care as one of their core values. | |||
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"Really is this thread still going around in circles. Why are we feeding his attention seeking any longer. ?? So you wouldn't mind if someone carved slut into your daughter? But that's not Dominantion in any way shape or form. That's gbh, assault and very illegal. Sure there are those into branding and such but that is very niche and not something the majority if people pursue and if they do then it's between them and involves a lot of discussion and preparation including clear written consent. Well it started with this BDSM. She went to a munch and within a month she was scarred with that shit. And it could have been a fab meet, vanilla meet or any other kind of meet. Those kinds of predators move everywhere in everyday life. Labelling everyone that identifies as Dominant as a monster is wrong. The ones that really are Dominant are actually the complete opposite of what you describe. Maybe but not as likely as getting into this stuff. What sane woman would agree to that? I don't think there was written consent either. Been mind controlled. Too late for her, could be fucked for life. Just want other people aware. So you are saying your friend was mentally unstable and did not consent to having it done. Or are you saying that she does not know her own mind and cohesion was going on. Has she reported to the police. Read the thread, does she compus mentis to you. I don't know as I have not met her and I don't make accusations about someone's mental well-being from comments made from a thrift person. Also did she report it to the police Did she consent to do that play in the first place Has she now left the person that did it. Has she taken any action against them" A woman with a history of domestic abuse and worse. With a medical condition considered a disability. No I don't think so but her family might if they find out if god forbid she has to go to the hospital again. | |||
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"Really is this thread still going around in circles. Why are we feeding his attention seeking any longer. ?? So you wouldn't mind if someone carved slut into your daughter? But that's not Dominantion in any way shape or form. That's gbh, assault and very illegal. Sure there are those into branding and such but that is very niche and not something the majority if people pursue and if they do then it's between them and involves a lot of discussion and preparation including clear written consent. Well it started with this BDSM. She went to a munch and within a month she was scarred with that shit. And it could have been a fab meet, vanilla meet or any other kind of meet. Those kinds of predators move everywhere in everyday life. Labelling everyone that identifies as Dominant as a monster is wrong. The ones that really are Dominant are actually the complete opposite of what you describe. Maybe but not as likely as getting into this stuff. What sane woman would agree to that? I don't think there was written consent either. Been mind controlled. Too late for her, could be fucked for life. Just want other people aware. So you are saying your friend was mentally unstable and did not consent to having it done. Or are you saying that she does not know her own mind and cohesion was going on. Has she reported to the police. Read the thread, does she compus mentis to you. I don't know as I have not met her and I don't make accusations about someone's mental well-being from comments made from a thrift person. Also did she report it to the police Did she consent to do that play in the first place Has she now left the person that did it. Has she taken any action against them A woman with a history of domestic abuse and worse. With a medical condition considered a disability. No I don't think so but her family might if they find out if god forbid she has to go to the hospital again." The family can not. It's up to her if she wants to press charges and I know many people in the lifestyle with similar backgrounds that are very well adjusted and know exactly what they want are in very strong loving D/s relationships. I take it she has now stepped away from the BDSM scene and not exploring that anymore ? | |||
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