FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > Inner conflict - its hot but it hurts

Inner conflict - its hot but it hurts

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I want to be ok with swinging, part of me enjoys the excitement in the moment and I’m very sexual so it suits me in that way. I know its what my partner wants and I like to fulfil his dreams and make him happy. However, the other part of me, the primal part - HURTS!! It hurts that the man I love wants to shag other women, it makes me feel ‘less’ somehow and leaves me with a vague sense of worthlessness. It hurts my pride and makes me feel a little humiliated like I am not enough. None of these feelings are completely overwhelming (if they were I just wouldn’t swing at all) but they are certainly there and they do bother me and make me question myself and our relationship. I want to make my peace with them and to be able to enjoy swinging without these more negative feelings but I cant get past them. Anyone been here and got past it? Any ideas/advice?

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By *irky_coupleCouple over a year ago

kirky

We'd say that swinging isn't for you if that's how it makes you feel. No other way around it in our eyes.

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By *udistnorthantsMan over a year ago

Desborough

I would say have a break for a couple of months and see how you feel then.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

The problem is I don't feel that I can just say its not for me as eventually I think this would lead to us breaking up and I don't want this to happen - we don't do a lot of swinging and we have had long breaks without doing anything much. I feel like there must be a way for me to be where I want to be, which is at peace with swinging I'm just not sure how right now and wondering if anyone had any good ideas :0)

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By *SAchickWoman over a year ago

Hillside desolate

Do you have sex with other men, or is it just women you meet? Sounds like you didn't really talk it over properly before you took the first steps.

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By *naswingdressWoman over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

I think it's one of those things that you're (primally) either OK with or not, and I'm not sure if it's something that can be overcome.

I think it's the party who wants to swing who has to make the decision. You shouldn't do something like this for someone else, if it causes you anguish.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"The problem is I don't feel that I can just say its not for me as eventually I think this would lead to us breaking up and I don't want this to happen - we don't do a lot of swinging and we have had long breaks without doing anything much. I feel like there must be a way for me to be where I want to be, which is at peace with swinging I'm just not sure how right now and wondering if anyone had any good ideas :0)"

You say that telling him could lead you to breaking up - not telling him could just as easily do the same, especially if you feel so uneasy about it. The jealousy factor can be massive and overwhelm you, so you absolutely need to be 100% comfortable with all aspects of the lifestyle.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If a man breaks up with me because I don't want to swing with him, he isn't right for me.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Open and constant communication with your partners about your feelings with regards to swinging is key.

People change, and your feelings and thoughts with regards to anything, including swinging can change.

I dont know your relationship, but I will say this, from my own experience, its not easy, but solid couples can empathise with each other and work it out together.

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By *ordsandstuffMan over a year ago

Highbury

I think think that swinging is a hard one for couples, it's not liking putting up with a partner smoking or playing Bananarama in the car, it's so much deeper than that.

You either have both to be into it or not and if you don't feel the same way about it there will be frustration and regret.

Perhaps a way out is to agree that he absolutely only has sex with other people when you are there or know what he is doing and not repeatedly with the same person so that it cannot build up into any kind of relationship thing.

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By *dtittyCouple over a year ago

Durham

"I want to be ok with swinging, part of me enjoys the excitement in the moment and I’m very sexual so it suits me in that way. I know its what my partner wants and I like to fulfil his dreams and make him happy. However, the other part of me, the primal part - HURTS!! It hurts that the man I love wants to shag other women, it makes me feel ‘less’ somehow and leaves me with a vague sense of worthlessness. It hurts my pride and makes me feel a little humiliated like I am not enough. None of these feelings are completely overwhelming (if they were I just wouldn’t swing at all) but they are certainly there and they do bother me and make me question myself and our relationship. I want to make my peace with them and to be able to enjoy swinging without these more negative feelings but I cant get past them. Anyone been here and got past it? Any ideas/advice?"

What kind of meets are you having OP?

I'm not ready to swing with my hubby although I think we fantasize about it equally. Because of this we only have girly play with own partners, I'm not ready to share him or maybe we haven't found the right couple, who knows? But I do have similar insecurities to you by the sounds of it but my hubby is fully aware and will only take the next step if or when in 100% ready.

Maybe it's time for a very frank convocation with your oh?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

As one of the previous posters mentioned- what are you getting out of swinging? Is it just to go along with your partner and satisfy his desire to swing and not cause arguments/relationship breakdown, or are you actually enjoying it? Do you play together as a couple? Same room swap or different rooms? I'm not being nosey, but if you answer those questions honestly to yourself, you might find ways of either still swinging in the way that is better/more pleasurable for you, or find ways to get out of swinging all together.

Also, you shouldn't think anything less of yourself just because your partner wants to have sex with other women. Men aren't programmed to be monogamous, it took me a long time to actually understand that.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Thank you for the thoughtful comments :0) At the moment mainly our swinging consists of occasionally meets with one lady in particular - perhaps every few months. We have had a couple of threesomes with men in the past but I don't want to pursue that at the moment but it wouldn't be off the cards for the future.

I am definately building up to a big heart to heart about this with my partner just kinda wanted to get some ideas on here first - kinda guess I wanted a bit of hope I could sort this out and others had maybe been in a similar place but came out the other side swinging

If I decided I defo didnt want to swing it would probably be me doing the leaving of the relationship even if he said it was ok, because I want the man I am with to feel like I am the woman of his dreams and the woman of my partners dreams would be into swinging - I am too proud to stay with someone who felt they were missing out being with me. I'm attractive, intelligent, well educated, passionate, sexual and super loving - I will not be anyones compromise.

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By *omvampmMan over a year ago

gillingham

You are who you are this lifestyle isn't for everyone you need to feel ok with it and not be pushed or feel you need to find away past your feelings

Underlying feelings of hurt rarely disappear they tend to fester and increase your partner should respect your concerns and accept your feelings

It would upset me and stop me meeting with any couple if I felt the slightest feeling that one of them wasn't completely happy as I'm sure any true swinger wud to. tell yer partner how you feel be open and honest and don't feel pressured into anything

I'm no expert mind that's just my view on it others may disagree hope it helps

I wish you well and hope you work out what's best for you x

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

As to what I get out of the extra lady aspect of swinging - I enjoy it in the moment - I put all my negative feelings in a box and leave them outside the room and enjoy it. It is in the build up to the meets that I feel the bad feelings. And yes a lot of the reason I do it is to see him happy and feeling fulfilled.

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By *omvampmMan over a year ago

gillingham

It's very much also about you being happy and forfilled to don't forget that x

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By *dtittyCouple over a year ago

Durham

Could some of the problem be that your meeting the same woman as opposed to random people from here? Because that is a relationship of sorts in my mind and if your insecure to begin with that's surely going to make it worse x

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By *loswingersCouple over a year ago

Gloucester

Did you meet your partner through swinging ?

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By *r.BlondeMan over a year ago

Chester/Wirral

"If a man breaks up with me because I don't want to swing with him, he isn't right for me.

"
I wouldn't swing with you.

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By *r.BlondeMan over a year ago

Chester/Wirral

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

No I didn't meet him through swinging just a regular dating website...I was up for experimenting with swinging but he reassured me before I got in deep (as in let myself fall in love with him) that he had been there done that and would understand if i decided I couldnt do it after trying...however I know it would be rather crushing for him to say goodbye to swinging and may make him unhappy and to develop his own underlying resentment etc

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"Thank you for the thoughtful comments :0) At the moment mainly our swinging consists of occasionally meets with one lady in particular - perhaps every few months. We have had a couple of threesomes with men in the past but I don't want to pursue that at the moment but it wouldn't be off the cards for the future.

You sound as if you are trying to mould yourself into your partners ideal woman. Have you considered that you might already be that woman and swinging is just an added extra.

When we discussed swinging we thrashed out all the feelings you're talking about before we started and as we go along we keep the conversation going.

Personally I think that you should be talking to him about this and if he tells you that you're enough for him regardless of whether you swing or not you should pay him the courtesy of believing him.

I think you need to ask yourself this too. If you're not talking to us about this before him is he enough for you emotionally?

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By *loswingersCouple over a year ago

Gloucester

"No I didn't meet him through swinging just a regular dating website...I was up for experimenting with swinging but he reassured me before I got in deep (as in let myself fall in love with him) that he had been there done that and would understand if i decided I couldnt do it after trying...however I know it would be rather crushing for him to say goodbye to swinging and may make him unhappy and to develop his own underlying resentment etc"

Some men aren’t made to be happy with just one woman , and I think you know he may be one of those men . The fact that you knew he would want to swing before you fell for him speaks volumes . That guy is the guy you ended up falling for , so why would you want to change him ?

Surely you must know it’s just what it is . A bit of a distraction now and again . He doesn’t have the feelings for others that he has for you . You join in , yet you worry that he doesn’t find you enough ? Look at it like this for a moment .

He’s been used to having the extra bit of fun with swinging . Take it away and he may or may not miss it , but do you really want to take it away from him ?

I very much doubt he does it because you’re not enough . It’s because he is used to having it and I don’t suppose she means much to him either .

Everyone gets the odd pang of jealousy , but not as much as to feel threatened .

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 30/01/19 22:09:39]

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Nicecouple- your message as reassuring thank you! I think in part it is the reassurance I need from my partner which hopefully I will get tommorow when we have the conversation x

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"Nicecouple- your message as reassuring thank you! I think in part it is the reassurance I need from my partner which hopefully I will get tommorow when we have the conversation x"

Good.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Gloswingers-thank you for your input! I don't want to take the swinging away which is why I'm here trying to figure a way past the underlying negative emotions which are having a significant impact on me without going into detail x

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By *r.BlondeMan over a year ago

Chester/Wirral

It's a very contentious thread for me this. I've been in trouble in a club for saying I might not share even though it was a hypothetical question. I have no problem sharing fuckbuddies, fwb's etc

I don't date women off Fab to keep it separate not because I judge because that would be hypocritical of me, I'm no angel myself.

There is only 1 woman I might of loved and a guy came up from behind her groping her while she was dancing. I jumped on him without even thinking like a reflex and some big cunt bouncer broke ended up breaking my nose.

I don't trust myself, that is the problem. Maybe swingers are just mentally stronger.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I have been part of a swinging couple and it is a difficult situation to answer without understanding the dynamic going on. Do you enjoy playing with the other female... Do you enjoy watching your partner have sex with the other female...

I guess what I am trying to get at is whether you enjoy the swinging experience yourself or have you in effect come to an arrangement where sleeping with other women is tolerated as long as you are in the room.

Great to hear you are having the conversation with your partner.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I do enjoy interacting with the other woman and the activites we do are all a turn on for me whilst we are in the room - when he has sex with her it is incredibly hot but also there is a part of me that hurts - whilst in the room the hot and sexy part of it 99.9% takes over and I enjoy it - its before and after that the negative emotions niggle at me. As I said I can put these feeling in a box outside the room whilst we play but it doesn't mean they are not there and I think I need to address them more directly - I think I was hoping that with time they would resolve themselves but it isn't happening.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If a man breaks up with me because I don't want to swing with him, he isn't right for me.

Its like emotional black mail. Very sad. Both have to be comfortable with it or it's doing it against your will, out of fear of what will happen if you don't, no wonder you aren't enjoying it.

OP you clearly love him - a lot and are afraid of losing him if you don't swing. But is he afraid of losing you? If that answer is no then you should re-think, not just swinging but you are giving your time and dignity and self respect to a man who isn't valuing it.

Look after yourself lovely xxx

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Thank you lucky things xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Best advice is communicate more. These are questions to go through with your partner but ultimately if he wants more from this than you’re happy with you’ll have a problem that will only get worse. Doing it for your man doesn’t seem like a great option and if he knows you don’t like it but does it anyway that says a lot about him and your future

Just a view, good luck

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Like others have said, you need to talk to him about it. It sounds like it’s making you unhappy, your feelings are valid and should be respected. I’m just wondering if you could both step back from full on swinging for a while. You could go to clubs still, but just have sex with each other. Then there’s still the voyeuristic side and having others nearby who are playing. That can still be a turn on. I hope you manage to resolve it.

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By *dtittyCouple over a year ago

Durham

"Like others have said, you need to talk to him about it. It sounds like it’s making you unhappy, your feelings are valid and should be respected. I’m just wondering if you could both step back from full on swinging for a while. You could go to clubs still, but just have sex with each other. Then there’s still the voyeuristic side and having others nearby who are playing. That can still be a turn on. I hope you manage to resolve it. "

Club's are a great idea, stay together and play together, it might be enough to satisfy everyone's fantasys without the hurt.

However it goes tonight you should not feel like your not enough. If he agrees to stop swinging try and trust him that you are and if it's something he's not prepared to give up then that may be your answer. Good luck x

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"It's a very contentious thread for me this. I've been in trouble in a club for saying I might not share even though it was a hypothetical question. I have no problem sharing fuckbuddies, fwb's etc

I don't date women off Fab to keep it separate not because I judge because that would be hypocritical of me, I'm no angel myself.

I don't trust myself, that is the problem. Maybe swingers are just mentally stronger."

Its not mental strength. Its the ability to separate love from sex and ownership. I don't think many people can do that or even want to. The situation you describe isn't swinging though.

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By *r.BlondeMan over a year ago

Chester/Wirral

"It's a very contentious thread for me this. I've been in trouble in a club for saying I might not share even though it was a hypothetical question. I have no problem sharing fuckbuddies, fwb's etc

I don't date women off Fab to keep it separate not because I judge because that would be hypocritical of me, I'm no angel myself.

I don't trust myself, that is the problem. Maybe swingers are just mentally stronger.

Its not mental strength. Its the ability to separate love from sex and ownership. I don't think many people can do that or even want to. The situation you describe isn't swinging though."
I know but it puts me off suggesting swinging or being romantically involved with any woman off here. Scared myself!

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"It's a very contentious thread for me this. I've been in trouble in a club for saying I might not share even though it was a hypothetical question. I have no problem sharing fuckbuddies, fwb's etc

I don't date women off Fab to keep it separate not because I judge because that would be hypocritical of me, I'm no angel myself.

I don't trust myself, that is the problem. Maybe swingers are just mentally stronger.

Its not mental strength. Its the ability to separate love from sex and ownership. I don't think many people can do that or even want to. The situation you describe isn't swinging though. I know but it puts me off suggesting swinging or being romantically involved with any woman off here. Scared myself!"

Then don't, its not compulsory

Do you wish you could have a swinging relationship? It is possible to have the openness, communication and intimacy without the swinging bit

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By *r.BlondeMan over a year ago

Chester/Wirral

"It's a very contentious thread for me this. I've been in trouble in a club for saying I might not share even though it was a hypothetical question. I have no problem sharing fuckbuddies, fwb's etc

I don't date women off Fab to keep it separate not because I judge because that would be hypocritical of me, I'm no angel myself.

I don't trust myself, that is the problem. Maybe swingers are just mentally stronger.

Its not mental strength. Its the ability to separate love from sex and ownership. I don't think many people can do that or even want to. The situation you describe isn't swinging though. I know but it puts me off suggesting swinging or being romantically involved with any woman off here. Scared myself!

Then don't, its not compulsory

Do you wish you could have a swinging relationship? It is possible to have the openness, communication and intimacy without the swinging bit

I know and I don't.

I'm not looking for a relationship and I don't like dating women who are and leading them on and hurting them so it's a dilemma.

Possibly I honestly don't know. You never know what could happen, I have matured a bit now.

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"It's a very contentious thread for me this. I've been in trouble in a club for saying I might not share even though it was a hypothetical question. I have no problem sharing fuckbuddies, fwb's etc

I don't date women off Fab to keep it separate not because I judge because that would be hypocritical of me, I'm no angel myself.

I don't trust myself, that is the problem. Maybe swingers are just mentally stronger.

Its not mental strength. Its the ability to separate love from sex and ownership. I don't think many people can do that or even want to. The situation you describe isn't swinging though. I know but it puts me off suggesting swinging or being romantically involved with any woman off here. Scared myself!

Then don't, its not compulsory

Do you wish you could have a swinging relationship? It is possible to have the openness, communication and intimacy without the swinging bit

I know and I don't.

I'm not looking for a relationship and I don't like dating women who are and leading them on and hurting them so it's a dilemma.

Possibly I honestly don't know. You never know what could happen, I have matured a bit now."

Yeah, me too. It only took 60 years

I'm not being nosey...well I am

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

In the back of minds is the thought that a partner may enjoy someone else more and/or fall in love and leave.

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By *loswingersCouple over a year ago

Gloucester

[Removed by poster at 31/01/19 15:15:57]

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By *loswingersCouple over a year ago

Gloucester

"It's a very contentious thread for me this. I've been in trouble in a club for saying I might not share even though it was a hypothetical question. I have no problem sharing fuckbuddies, fwb's etc

I don't date women off Fab to keep it separate not because I judge because that would be hypocritical of me, I'm no angel myself.

I don't trust myself, that is the problem. Maybe swingers are just mentally stronger.

Its not mental strength. Its the ability to separate love from sex and ownership. I don't think many people can do that or even want to. The situation you describe isn't swinging though. I know but it puts me off suggesting swinging or being romantically involved with any woman off here. Scared myself!

Then don't, its not compulsory

Do you wish you could have a swinging relationship? It is possible to have the openness, communication and intimacy without the swinging bit

I know and I don't.

I'm not looking for a relationship and I don't like dating women who are and leading them on and hurting them so it's a dilemma.

Possibly I honestly don't know. You never know what could happen, I have matured a bit now."

This is my third marriage , yes , my third !

Most of my mates said I must be mad but this is the first time I’ve been comfortable within a relationship and we have been swinging for seven if the eight years we’ve been together .

I would never have done this is the past . Not because I cared any more for my previous wives , but because I spent the entire time being married to them looking for more interesting things to do rather than be with them . Both marriages came to be due to pregnancy . Strange as it seems , this is the first time I’ve been in love , and yet we swing and I loved seeing her with others . I probably would have reacted as you did if the same thing had happened . Now ? As long as I knew my wife was enjoying the attention , I’d love it

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By *anes HubbyCouple over a year ago

Babbacombe Torquay

My advice is stop now and walk away from it

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Got into swinging at tail end of a 25 yr marriage. Ex wife suggested it but once we had met a few people decided she couldnt see me perform with others. Met a new partner who did enjoy swinging lifestyle but again didn't like idea of watching me. I guess it takes a strong love for your partner to be able to fully put aside any jealous thoughts

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

This post sums your feelings OP. Swinging isn't for everyone, we're not all the same. Personally I would not want to swing within a relationship, but that's me and there's no judgement of those in relationships that swinging works for.

I think that you and other men and women like you who are happiest and fulfilled in a monogamous relationship deserve to be with someone who is glad to 'forsake all others' (sexually) to be with the person they love. Exclusivity can be just as strong a bond as any other.

You say OP that you are a sexual person with a strong sex drive ( it's not like you rarely want to have sex with your partner ) so I think the least you deserve is a partner that appreciates what he's got and doesn't make you feel insecure. It doesn't sound like you have that at the moment OP...I'm not saying that to over simplify or be harsh or because I think it would be easy for you to leave him, you obviously love him completely...but you deserve to be loved and honoured equally by a person eho deserves you.

It sounds like you can easily live without sleeping with other people, so why wouldn't you deserve to be with someone else who can ?

Healthy Monogamy isn't about ownership ( as others often think ), it's about partnership and free-willed contentment.

I'll get my coat....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

The gf felt exactly this way when we first started this. In the beginning she said we could do this but only with other men as she didn’t like the thought of me going with another woman.

Over time she has become less anxious and so we tried meeting a couple just for soft play to see how she felt when seeing me touch someone else.

That went well and so we moved onto me giving another woman oral and them me. So not we’re at the next stage which is full sex.

We won’t passionately kiss others though as we don’t want each other having the kind of intimacy with anyone else.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You want to trust that your partner is 100% commited to you long term. You want to know that at the end of each day they want to come home to you and only you. This is what gives you the security to explore a swinging lifestyle and to seperate sex from commitment.

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By *tirluvMan over a year ago

the right frame of mind -London

It just doesn't sound loke swinging to me -sounds more like coercion?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It just doesn't sound loke swinging to me -sounds more like coercion?"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I would say have a break for a couple of months and see how you feel then."

I'd say that this is probably the best advice

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By *r.BlondeMan over a year ago

Chester/Wirral

"It's a very contentious thread for me this. I've been in trouble in a club for saying I might not share even though it was a hypothetical question. I have no problem sharing fuckbuddies, fwb's etc

I don't date women off Fab to keep it separate not because I judge because that would be hypocritical of me, I'm no angel myself.

I don't trust myself, that is the problem. Maybe swingers are just mentally stronger.

Its not mental strength. Its the ability to separate love from sex and ownership. I don't think many people can do that or even want to. The situation you describe isn't swinging though. I know but it puts me off suggesting swinging or being romantically involved with any woman off here. Scared myself!

Then don't, its not compulsory

Do you wish you could have a swinging relationship? It is possible to have the openness, communication and intimacy without the swinging bit

I know and I don't.

I'm not looking for a relationship and I don't like dating women who are and leading them on and hurting them so it's a dilemma.

Possibly I honestly don't know. You never know what could happen, I have matured a bit now.

Yeah, me too. It only took 60 years

I'm not being nosey...well I am

"
Oh, i'm still pretty immature though haha.

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By *r.BlondeMan over a year ago

Chester/Wirral

"It's a very contentious thread for me this. I've been in trouble in a club for saying I might not share even though it was a hypothetical question. I have no problem sharing fuckbuddies, fwb's etc

I don't date women off Fab to keep it separate not because I judge because that would be hypocritical of me, I'm no angel myself.

I don't trust myself, that is the problem. Maybe swingers are just mentally stronger.

Its not mental strength. Its the ability to separate love from sex and ownership. I don't think many people can do that or even want to. The situation you describe isn't swinging though. I know but it puts me off suggesting swinging or being romantically involved with any woman off here. Scared myself!

Then don't, its not compulsory

Do you wish you could have a swinging relationship? It is possible to have the openness, communication and intimacy without the swinging bit

I know and I don't.

I'm not looking for a relationship and I don't like dating women who are and leading them on and hurting them so it's a dilemma.

Possibly I honestly don't know. You never know what could happen, I have matured a bit now.

This is my third marriage , yes , my third !

Most of my mates said I must be mad but this is the first time I’ve been comfortable within a relationship and we have been swinging for seven if the eight years we’ve been together .

"
Interesting... I could be just like you then in a few years time. Wouldn't be bad though, you seem like a nice guy.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" Jealousy is a natural human emotion. A lot of these swingers aren't immune either."

but also alot of us are hence we swing ?? we seperate it from love its fun, trust and a social lifestyle,

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By *r.BlondeMan over a year ago

Chester/Wirral

" Jealousy is a natural human emotion. A lot of these swingers aren't immune either.

but also alot of us are hence we swing ?? we seperate it from love its fun, trust and a social lifestyle, "
Seen it in clubs numerous times.

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By *oney to the beeWoman over a year ago

Manchester

Doing things to please your partner that destroys your self-esteem isn't good. Resorting to post your unhappiness here says even more you need to talk to your partner and if he cares about you he will volunteer to give it up for now and possibly for good. Sex is short term a loving relationship is for life.

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By *uke olovingmanMan over a year ago

Gravesend

Be yourself and talk to your partner.. and be patient...

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By *dtittyCouple over a year ago

Durham

How did you get on poppy? I hope the chat went well! Xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 14/02/19 16:57:04]

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

UPDATE

Sorry its taken me a while to get back to this, here is hopefully a not too long version of where we are at now. The situation is complicated and nuanced so wont go into everything or people will get bored reading and it will be long enough without it!

We had a chat about it all and decided to go ahead with the meet with the other lady on the weekend after I had been posting. During the meet everything was fine and I really enjoyed it – it was super and hot and intense. I came out thinking – all that worrying the week before was for nothing – I will have to hold onto how hot it is so I am not so worried etc next time.

I was ok for about 2 days after. Partner and lady were talking about the meet on group email and I think this is where I started to feel a bit off and joined in to try and stop the ‘left out’ feeling. Partner has also joined another website and was starting to talk to another lady and attempting to arrange a social meet between the 3 of us. I didn’t really want to join this other website looking for women but went along with it as he persuaded me it was no different from being on fab. I was feeling wobbly about this. Then I read an email from our usual lady and due to a misunderstanding on her part I thought partner had cancelled a long weekend we had planned away so we could meet up with her on the Saturday. I was mistaken and I found out straight away, but I think once I had had this thought it triggered what I can only describe as being overcome by a cascade of emotions on a sunami type scale complete with crying all the way to school with the kids in the car – oh dear!

I described it to my partner as being on tight-rope with this issue of FFM. I am teetering through it and the slightest breeze can knock me off into the abys. Unfortunately, he was then away with his friends for a long weekend and I was a bit of an emotional mess most of the weekend. Lots of emotions which feel irrational – hurt, pain, anger, hate, revenge fantasies. And lots of questions, why is their pleasure more important than my pain? why do I feel so guilty for saying no and disappointing them and being the party pooper? Why is it so hot in the moment but then I am easily tortured by it afterwards? Maybe I’m being hijacked by a primal emotion of jealousy and if I can address that I can ‘fix it’ and make myself into a swinger.

I am going over the meet in my head and realising it was mainly about them 2 interacting and other than me really enjoying his pleasure (which I do love and is a real turn on) there wasn’t anything much ‘extra’ physically in it for me if that makes any sense. He still fucked me at the end and it was super intense and I was repeatedly orgasming past myself – however, this is quite normal for me under most circumstances.

Anyway, he knows all this and we have had other stresses this week so are going to talk about it more at the weekend no doubt. I’ve told him I just can’t do the them actually having sex bit – soft stuff probably ok but I just want to back off a bit and go more slowly until I know I’m in a better place with it. He was obviously very disappointed and upset and said ‘you are just not a swinger are you’ which I guess is an insult from his perspective. I know he is going to try to persuade me to carry on with the sex with the usual lady so we will see what happens in our discussions this weekend and the saga continues. I am willing to work on it and look at dealing with jealously stuff (which I presume is what is hijacking me) but I feel I really need to back off a bit from it even though I know it is going to be so hard to stick to my guns about this – I truly didn’t realise I was such an people pleaser till this happened – thought I’d dealt with that years ago!

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

You really need to stop doing this. Crying about it with your kids in the car, being an emotional wreck is not good for you or them. This is only sex, there's so much more to life. If your partner sees the mess this is making of your mental health and still wants you to continue I would seriously question his motives. The fact that you've experienced all this and still want to try again leaves me speechless.

Stop it now. Please.

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By *electableDalliancesCouple over a year ago

leeds

Blimey, that sounds like an awful place to be, I'd hug you if I could.

Jealous feelings are actually normal it's the swingers who are different, if you feel that way maybe he's right and you're not a swinger.

The majority of people would feel exactly as you do so you shouldn't feel bad for how your emotions are causing a rollercoaster inside you.

I have to say it doesn't sound like your fella is very supportive and seems to want to get his extras no matter the pain it's causing you, I'm sorry your going through this x

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By *ig1gaz1Man over a year ago

bradford

My opinion ive read the thread is your not into the swinging side of life.

Its time to stop and look towards each other.

As from the last comment I think hes being selfish for his needs ignoring yours.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

He's having an affair and making you join in!! No wonder you feel like shit. This is not normal. What a horrendous situation.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I feel so bad for you, the minute you have doubts he should forget about other women and concentrate on your relationship, the phrase cake and eat it comes to mind ! Please don’t do anything you don’t actually willingly want to do or the heartache will continue xxx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I can't reall add anything new to what has already been said. Especially by nicecouple and gloswinger but it was a very good and informative read so thank you for posting that question as I can easily recognise myself in the jealousy part and the questioning of my self worth if the partner I am seeing says that I am enough but very keen on meeting others or one in particularly and a part of me believe that that question holds somehow some truth in it.

I think that if you keep in that relationship to find out if you'll manage your emotions, you may get hurt but if you leave you will also get hurt by regretting not knowing the 'what if'.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If I had a partner poppy and I loved her and I knew she felt as you do I'd leave the swinging immediately as you would mean more to me than anything else in the world ..

If there was a part of us both that had the fantasy and excitement of swinging I'd have it clear between us both and on our profiles that we love socials and strictly soft swing ..ie no penetration .just flirty teasy sexy fun .

I feel for you ....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Have a think about which aspects of his connection with other women makes you jealous, some couples don't offer kissing as that is something just for them. You may be able to put those aspects of the meet off the table. I agree with others taking one for the team never works also going along with something you don't feel comfortable with dosent either. Talk and be honest.

male

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Think swinging / sex with others isn’t for you while your in a relationship.

So many love the idea of something but the reality is very different for them.

Causing mental self harm is not a great thing to be doing .

My view anyway

Good luck with it all OP

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By *alcon43Woman over a year ago

Paisley

If he loves you then he’ll give up the swinging. I know someone else who has given up seeing other women as he’s found the love of his life.

Do what you feel is right. Living like this will put a strain on your relationship. I hope it works out for you. xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

We are active on the swinging scene but I don’t shag other women as that isn’t what F wants to see me do. We therefore play with extra guys together and occasionally an extra women and it works fine for us.

Oh but that’s unfair I hear some say “ she gets shagged but you dont’ I don’t agree. Swinging is all about what you both feel completely comfortable with and as I like seeing her having sex (always with me a part of it) but she doesn’t like me doing the same then we have found what works for us

Find what works for you two and everything is far more relaxed

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Thank you again everyone for all your helpful insights and experiences.

We are talking about it slowly - he needs some time to get over his dissappointment at my revelations that I just don't think I can cope with it, before we can talk about it properly and go through everything but he has made it very clear that if I really cant do it then he will understand and accept it as my feelings and our relationship are more important to him than the being able to shag other women - so that is positive and hopeful.

I'm also prepared to look at why I just can't cope with it and the underlying thoughts/ feelings/beliefs etc, (I'm a psychologist!) behind it to see if I can change them but they do feel pretty fixed so we will see!

Big hugs to everyone who has shared and helped me with this process! xx

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By *imited 3EditionCouple over a year ago

Live in Scotland Play in England

I can certainly identify with this. From hubby first sharing this fantasy with me to me genuinely taking an interest in this scene, I think it was 10 years! The insecurity you describe is exactly what kept me away from this. It's been a slow journey... been in the scene now for about 5 years with more time off here than on (simply because our regular life always takes precedence). I think i can finally say that i no longer think that any of this means my hubby loves or values me less. I can't really explain why though I'm afraid.

Maybe the transition has come through time and experiences which don't leave me thinking that way. It definitely helps to be completely open and honest about likes dislikes especially boundaries. If you feel these are being respected then you might stop feeling you're being devalued. Which again will probably just come through experiences which demonstrate such.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If your unhappy then stop.

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