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Modern dating/fabbing slowly driving me insane
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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So before I used fabs I was on the traditional dating apps - tinder, bumble etc. And the one thing that would drive me absolutely crazy was ghosting. You're having a nice conversation with someone, thinking you're getting on well, might have even been on a date and then suddenly they disappear, or they leave all your messages on read. This is the shittiest, most frustrating thing to do as I'd much rather get the closure of knowing that someone isn't into me than watching my phone for hours wondering whether they'll text back. I will never ever understand why people do it; it's a cruel and cowardly thing to do.
Anyway, I thought it was bad enough on the dating apps but that's NOTHING compared to here. Don't get me wrong, I'm not here to date. That's actually why I'm on here, I'm in the middle of a year long break from dating due to personal circumstances. The ghosting/timewasting/arranging to meet and then going radio silent on here is just on another level. I think it's happened to me well over 30-40 times now and the problem is that each man that does it to me turns me into more of a mess for the next guy I talk to. Messages left on read, days without replies, rescheduling meets - each instance leaves me more and more paranoid and I end up jumping to conclusions and having a go at whichever guy I'm talking to that read my message and didn't reply within the next hour. He will then inevitably think I'm a psycho and that's the end of that. Onto the next opportunity for me to ruin with my paranoia formed fom previous experiences that no amount of explaining and apologising for will ever justify to someone that just doesn't understand.
Anyway, the point of this ramble, if you've made it this far, is just to implore everyone to please not treat others like they're disposable. I know this site promotes sex as a commodity but at the end of the day every single person using this - or tinder, or bumble - has not only feelings but time that they've invested in you and hopes they've gotten up. It's not fair to just deflate someone without explanation.
Rant over  |
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By *rkeb3Man
over a year ago
east Lancashire road |
When using dating apps n u think u getting on well n think u can take it further swap numbers or any other social media
I used them apps once I log out sometime in come back after months so nothing new
About here i don't have much let downs but I know lots of time wasting n let downs going on |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I agree OP.
Unfortunately many people will say oh it's just NSA sex so move on to the next one. So they are condoning the behaviour and doing the same.
You're worth more than that shit. If they treat you that way, see it as a positive. A lucky escape you didn't waste any time meeting them. |
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You can't change the behaviour of others but you can change the way you respond to it. You need to look at how you can learn to love yourself more so that you don't instantly think it's something wrong with you when someone doesn't reply straight away or stops chatting.
It's a sad fact that this is what the site is like - I've had it done countless times to me and in fairness where the conversation has felt stilted or they've come across badly, I've occasionally done it myself. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If a person doesn’t reply to you then I think it’s pretty clear there just not that into you for whatever reason. I don’t see why a message saying that needs to be sent personally.
If they don’t reply within a day (not an hour) then just scratch them off and move on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i think its kinda normal these days, i've never had a single person say sorry i'm not into you or i don't think we're compatible to end the conversation on a dating app. Messages just leads to less and less responses from them usually, until you stop messaging the because you feel like you're putting effort in for barely a response.
I get it on dating apps where girls see 20% of guy profiles total, they get hundreds of messages. but still happens when you get onto whatsapp or similar... |
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"If a person doesn’t reply to you then I think it’s pretty clear there just not that into you for whatever reason. I don’t see why a message saying that needs to be sent personally.
If they don’t reply within a day (not an hour) then just scratch them off and move on. "
Agreed. I think people have to remember that online interactions are not the same as real life ones. They are by their nature more fleeting and ephemeral, and it's best not to develop an emotional investment when you haven't even met. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If a person doesn’t reply to you then I think it’s pretty clear there just not that into you for whatever reason. I don’t see why a message saying that needs to be sent personally.
If they don’t reply within a day (not an hour) then just scratch them off and move on. "
Because it's polite? If they've invested their time in you the least you owe them is a "sorry, I don't think this is going to work out".
To be clear - I don't mean not replying to an initial opening message. I mean spending days talking to someone for hours at a time, going on dates/socials and then they disappear. Or they arrange a meet, you clear your entire day and then don't hear from them ever again. I had one guy that I met for a social and thought things went great (because he told me) so we arranged another meet. I cleared my entire day and waited for him to tell me what time he was picking me up. He stayed silent all day then texted me the next morning with an excuse and we rescheduled, only for it to happen again. This happened literally about 4 or 5 times, where I would have gotten ready and he would leave me hanging with worse and worse excuses and then he was suddenly so surprised when I eventually blew up at him for wasting my time. Didn't understand why it was easier to get him to meet me for a coffee than actually fuck me. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If a person doesn’t reply to you then I think it’s pretty clear there just not that into you for whatever reason. I don’t see why a message saying that needs to be sent personally.
If they don’t reply within a day (not an hour) then just scratch them off and move on.
Agreed. I think people have to remember that online interactions are not the same as real life ones. They are by their nature more fleeting and ephemeral, and it's best not to develop an emotional investment when you haven't even met. "
But that's what dating is now. There's no more starting conversations with people you fancy in real life, especially not for people my age. Everything's online, and it takes away from the reality of the situation. Even if you do end up dating someone, you're lucky if you're exclusive within a year. That whole time you've still got to deal with the paranoia of thinking they'll suddenly disappear and you end up giving them attention they haven't earned out of desperation. It's a vicious cycle. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I must be the Patrick Swayze of Fab.
My conversation tend to go 5/6 messages then I get nothing back. I'm not the type to ask what have I done wrong but it would be nice to know at times..
Until then I'll be Dirty Dancing alone |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A high percentage just use this as a form of porn, so when you're chatting away they're probably horny and wanking. Of course, they don't understand that you genuinely wanna meet. Once they've finished wanking they can leave, or "ghost" you.
Another high percentage is gentleman (or women) who are in relationships and just want to know they can still attract the opposite sex and get them to the point of wanting to be intimate with them, then, again, "ghost" you.
Its hugely hugely common on here |
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To be let down by that amount of people is awful but you need to look at what you are doing.
Try to only talk to guys that have been verified 5 times or more. Anything under that there is a chance they are fake and time wasters. The lower the amount of veris the higher the chance of this. |
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Possibly a way it could be reduced, would be if deposits were taken by a third party, which would be refunded if either/both decided and notified the other that they were not proceding with it, such as with shops and glass bottle deposits. The deposit would have to be large enough for people to be motivated for wanting it back.
Otherwise, I think the trajectory is for it to get worse, with people almost interacting with others, almost as if they are Alexa, Cortana etc and are just AI or bots.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I feel your pain OP. I don't struggle much on sex sites anymore, I don't let it get to me anymore.
Dating sites are an absolute minefield for me. I get the same ghosting issue you do. Usually after admitting my bisexuality So much so that I'm considering deleting all those accounts now.
Doomed to Fab and sites like it to find love, which I don't think I'll find if I'm honest, so I've given up looking |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I wholeheartedly agree! And have had very similar experiences.
It is hurtful and depressing and I left fab before for a long time because of it.
BUT
Then comes along a real gem, so you just have to persevere and learn how to spot the selfish bastards.
Good luck and you are perfectly correct to have a good rant!
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"So before I used fabs I was on the traditional dating apps - tinder, bumble etc. And the one thing that would drive me absolutely crazy was ghosting. You're having a nice conversation with someone, thinking you're getting on well, might have even been on a date and then suddenly they disappear, or they leave all your messages on read. This is the shittiest, most frustrating thing to do as I'd much rather get the closure of knowing that someone isn't into me than watching my phone for hours wondering whether they'll text back. I will never ever understand why people do it; it's a cruel and cowardly thing to do.
Anyway, I thought it was bad enough on the dating apps but that's NOTHING compared to here. Don't get me wrong, I'm not here to date. That's actually why I'm on here, I'm in the middle of a year long break from dating due to personal circumstances. The ghosting/timewasting/arranging to meet and then going radio silent on here is just on another level. I think it's happened to me well over 30-40 times now and the problem is that each man that does it to me turns me into more of a mess for the next guy I talk to. Messages left on read, days without replies, rescheduling meets - each instance leaves me more and more paranoid and I end up jumping to conclusions and having a go at whichever guy I'm talking to that read my message and didn't reply within the next hour. He will then inevitably think I'm a psycho and that's the end of that. Onto the next opportunity for me to ruin with my paranoia formed fom previous experiences that no amount of explaining and apologising for will ever justify to someone that just doesn't understand.
Anyway, the point of this ramble, if you've made it this far, is just to implore everyone to please not treat others like they're disposable. I know this site promotes sex as a commodity but at the end of the day every single person using this - or tinder, or bumble - has not only feelings but time that they've invested in you and hopes they've gotten up. It's not fair to just deflate someone without explanation.
Rant over "
We have to manage our own expectations: not just online, but life in general. Life isn't fair or equal so disavow yourself of that thought.
I think most have had someone ghost them, and I'm sure if you think things are progressing well and then nada...yeah, I'm sure it's frustrating.
There are many threads from men about people not responding to messages, with people saying they've had abusive messages back, so now ignore. We can't tell how someone will react, so the path of less hassle is often chosen.
We sometimes blame others instead of looking to ourselves. If you've experienced so many disappointments, and lose a bit of you each time. Stop and reassess. Look at the type of man you're meeting. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve. Take everything with a pinch of salt. Don't take it seriously/personally.
Take a break...spend time with you. Do what makes you happy. Look in the mirror and learn to love the person looking back. You'd be surprised how much self loving can help.
Your post makes you sound needy and too much drama and I'm sure that's not what you want to convey. Sadly, I think this post will only attract more of the same, but I hope not.
Good luck. |
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It's funny but I find dating apps are far worse for guys ghosting than on here. I find people tend to be more open and honest and I guess there's less expectation so it's easier to say no thanks. I find it a bit gutless but at least know what sort of person they were. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"To be let down by that amount of people is awful but you need to look at what you are doing.
Try to only talk to guys that have been verified 5 times or more. Anything under that there is a chance they are fake and time wasters. The lower the amount of veris the higher the chance of this."
I don't quite understand this thinking.
Surely the more veris they have means they are more likely to seek variety and possibly more likely to very quickly flit from one person to another |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" To be clear - I don't mean not replying to an initial opening message. I mean spending days talking to someone for hours at a time, going on dates/socials and then they disappear. "
Yeah, I hear you on this and women do it too. I don't take offense but it does sometimes leave me feeling confused about why the situation suddenly changed.
You have to just accept it as something going on with them, not you, and move on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"If a person doesn’t reply to you then I think it’s pretty clear there just not that into you for whatever reason. I don’t see why a message saying that needs to be sent personally.
If they don’t reply within a day (not an hour) then just scratch them off and move on.
Because it's polite? If they've invested their time in you the least you owe them is a "sorry, I don't think this is going to work out".
To be clear - I don't mean not replying to an initial opening message. I mean spending days talking to someone for hours at a time, going on dates/socials and then they disappear. Or they arrange a meet, you clear your entire day and then don't hear from them ever again. I had one guy that I met for a social and thought things went great (because he told me) so we arranged another meet. I cleared my entire day and waited for him to tell me what time he was picking me up. He stayed silent all day then texted me the next morning with an excuse and we rescheduled, only for it to happen again. This happened literally about 4 or 5 times, where I would have gotten ready and he would leave me hanging with worse and worse excuses and then he was suddenly so surprised when I eventually blew up at him for wasting my time. Didn't understand why it was easier to get him to meet me for a coffee than actually fuck me. "
I get what your saying but you are making several mistakes right there...
1) Why are you clearing your entire day and waiting for him to tell you a time ?! Don’t clear an entire day for someone.
2) when he text the next day he just made up an excuse, he was probably bored so messaged again. You should never of rescheduled!! He showed he was a waste of time the day before.
3) you gave 1 person 4-5 chances?! Wtf. Why?
If he reallly wanted to fuck you he would of been there on the first chance. With an arranged time not just leaving you to hang around.
Your giving to much to people you don’t even know.
|
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"If a person doesn’t reply to you then I think it’s pretty clear there just not that into you for whatever reason. I don’t see why a message saying that needs to be sent personally.
If they don’t reply within a day (not an hour) then just scratch them off and move on.
Because it's polite? If they've invested their time in you the least you owe them is a "sorry, I don't think this is going to work out".
To be clear - I don't mean not replying to an initial opening message. I mean spending days talking to someone for hours at a time, going on dates/socials and then they disappear. Or they arrange a meet, you clear your entire day and then don't hear from them ever again. I had one guy that I met for a social and thought things went great (because he told me) so we arranged another meet. I cleared my entire day and waited for him to tell me what time he was picking me up. He stayed silent all day then texted me the next morning with an excuse and we rescheduled, only for it to happen again. This happened literally about 4 or 5 times, where I would have gotten ready and he would leave me hanging with worse and worse excuses and then he was suddenly so surprised when I eventually blew up at him for wasting my time. Didn't understand why it was easier to get him to meet me for a coffee than actually fuck me.
I get what your saying but you are making several mistakes right there...
1) Why are you clearing your entire day and waiting for him to tell you a time ?! Don’t clear an entire day for someone.
2) when he text the next day he just made up an excuse, he was probably bored so messaged again. You should never of rescheduled!! He showed he was a waste of time the day before.
3) you gave 1 person 4-5 chances?! Wtf. Why?
If he reallly wanted to fuck you he would of been there on the first chance. With an arranged time not just leaving you to hang around.
Your giving to much to people you don’t even know.
"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"If a person doesn’t reply to you then I think it’s pretty clear there just not that into you for whatever reason. I don’t see why a message saying that needs to be sent personally.
If they don’t reply within a day (not an hour) then just scratch them off and move on.
Agreed. I think people have to remember that online interactions are not the same as real life ones. They are by their nature more fleeting and ephemeral, and it's best not to develop an emotional investment when you haven't even met.
But that's what dating is now. There's no more starting conversations with people you fancy in real life, especially not for people my age. Everything's online, and it takes away from the reality of the situation. Even if you do end up dating someone, you're lucky if you're exclusive within a year. That whole time you've still got to deal with the paranoia of thinking they'll suddenly disappear and you end up giving them attention they haven't earned out of desperation. It's a vicious cycle. "
Your 24? How is there no real life conversations happening?
I’m 28 and I can start plenty of onconversations when out.
I think you should take some time out from the dating game completely and work on yourself hun. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I’ve had it happen a couple of times. You think it’s going well then nothing. It’s frustrating especially if you been chatting for a few days. If they don’t reply after a couple of days I just tend to block and move on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"So before I used fabs I was on the traditional dating apps - tinder, bumble etc. And the one thing that would drive me absolutely crazy was ghosting. You're having a nice conversation with someone, thinking you're getting on well, might have even been on a date and then suddenly they disappear, or they leave all your messages on read. This is the shittiest, most frustrating thing to do as I'd much rather get the closure of knowing that someone isn't into me than watching my phone for hours wondering whether they'll text back. I will never ever understand why people do it; it's a cruel and cowardly thing to do.
Anyway, I thought it was bad enough on the dating apps but that's NOTHING compared to here. Don't get me wrong, I'm not here to date. That's actually why I'm on here, I'm in the middle of a year long break from dating due to personal circumstances. The ghosting/timewasting/arranging to meet and then going radio silent on here is just on another level. I think it's happened to me well over 30-40 times now and the problem is that each man that does it to me turns me into more of a mess for the next guy I talk to. Messages left on read, days without replies, rescheduling meets - each instance leaves me more and more paranoid and I end up jumping to conclusions and having a go at whichever guy I'm talking to that read my message and didn't reply within the next hour. He will then inevitably think I'm a psycho and that's the end of that. Onto the next opportunity for me to ruin with my paranoia formed fom previous experiences that no amount of explaining and apologising for will ever justify to someone that just doesn't understand.
Anyway, the point of this ramble, if you've made it this far, is just to implore everyone to please not treat others like they're disposable. I know this site promotes sex as a commodity but at the end of the day every single person using this - or tinder, or bumble - has not only feelings but time that they've invested in you and hopes they've gotten up. It's not fair to just deflate someone without explanation.
Rant over "
I was recently ghosted... By my now ex boyfriend. |
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"If a person doesn’t reply to you then I think it’s pretty clear there just not that into you for whatever reason. I don’t see why a message saying that needs to be sent personally.
If they don’t reply within a day (not an hour) then just scratch them off and move on.
Because it's polite? If they've invested their time in you the least you owe them is a "sorry, I don't think this is going to work out".
To be clear - I don't mean not replying to an initial opening message. I mean spending days talking to someone for hours at a time, going on dates/socials and then they disappear. Or they arrange a meet, you clear your entire day and then don't hear from them ever again. I had one guy that I met for a social and thought things went great (because he told me) so we arranged another meet. I cleared my entire day and waited for him to tell me what time he was picking me up. He stayed silent all day then texted me the next morning with an excuse and we rescheduled, only for it to happen again. This happened literally about 4 or 5 times, where I would have gotten ready and he would leave me hanging with worse and worse excuses and then he was suddenly so surprised when I eventually blew up at him for wasting my time. Didn't understand why it was easier to get him to meet me for a coffee than actually fuck me.
I get what your saying but you are making several mistakes right there...
1) Why are you clearing your entire day and waiting for him to tell you a time ?! Don’t clear an entire day for someone.
2) when he text the next day he just made up an excuse, he was probably bored so messaged again. You should never of rescheduled!! He showed he was a waste of time the day before.
3) you gave 1 person 4-5 chances?! Wtf. Why?
If he reallly wanted to fuck you he would of been there on the first chance. With an arranged time not just leaving you to hang around.
Your giving to much to people you don’t even know.
"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Honestly people need to learn how to take a hint.....
Men are simple, if we like someone.. we will show it...
If I like you , I will talk to you everyday and spend time with you...
If I don’t like you , I will ignore you...
Simple
|
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"Honestly people need to learn how to take a hint.....
Men are simple, if we like someone.. we will show it...
If I like you , I will talk to you everyday and spend time with you...
If I don’t like you , I will ignore you...
Simple
"
Some of us women are simple too! |
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"To be let down by that amount of people is awful but you need to look at what you are doing.
Try to only talk to guys that have been verified 5 times or more. Anything under that there is a chance they are fake and time wasters. The lower the amount of veris the higher the chance of this.
I don't quite understand this thinking.
Surely the more veris they have means they are more likely to seek variety and possibly more likely to very quickly flit from one person to another "
I've had my most regular/frequent meets with well verified men, they like to meet up a lot. But the most frequent of all was a guy with no veries at all so it's not always fact. |
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By *lsieWoman
over a year ago
where ever |
I agree with you Sub Amber .
Its the pick you up and put you down attitude on here . If something better comes along then you are out down. And about a month later or so message you again to pick you back up and continue as if nothing has happened.
It's not nice to treat people like this . It can be hurtful .
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You’re right, it’s totally crap that you open up and share with someone, then they ghost you! People can be downright mean, but I don’t let it get to me, I just block, delete and move on... |
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