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Question for fab subs/bottoms

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

For those who play as sub or bottom, does your need to play this way ebb and flow with different life phases, or is it a constant need?

What do you think affects how you want to play? Or are your sexual desires entirely separate from the rest of your life?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"For those who play as sub or bottom, does your need to play this way ebb and flow with different life phases, or is it a constant need?

What do you think affects how you want to play? Or are your sexual desires entirely separate from the rest of your life?"

My sexual default is as a sub but often have to settle for vanilla cos of lack of non pretentious Sirs who are also exceptional lovers. But when I do settle for vanilla it does leave a longing for more.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

‘Non pretentious Sirs who are exceptional lovers’. That sounds like an excellent search criterion.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"For those who play as sub or bottom, does your need to play this way ebb and flow with different life phases, or is it a constant need?

What do you think affects how you want to play? Or are your sexual desires entirely separate from the rest of your life?"

I do things in a vanilla way and find being dominant in a relationship a normal act I must play.

I find being submissive more kinky and exciting. But also just genrally enjoy domme women. I don't like making decisions. I'd rather someone I trusted was in control.

Being sub in bdsm doesn't reflect my normal personality. And I won't be submissive if I don't respect the dominant.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It's quite a constant feeling.

But if I met a vanilla girl I like I can do without it.

I don't really mind taking control and I do enjoy being dom. But my preference is strong domineering but loving women.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"‘Non pretentious Sirs who are exceptional lovers’. That sounds like an excellent search criterion."

If you can tell me a site that has lots of them I would join up instantly!

Many of the guys on that other site that I can't mention have personality disorders, extreme sadistic tastes or are the usual "wannabees" who just want a thrill and a wank.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"For those who play as sub or bottom, does your need to play this way ebb and flow with different life phases, or is it a constant need?

What do you think affects how you want to play? Or are your sexual desires entirely separate from the rest of your life?

I do things in a vanilla way and find being dominant in a relationship a normal act I must play.

I find being submissive more kinky and exciting. But also just genrally enjoy domme women. I don't like making decisions. I'd rather someone I trusted was in control.

Being sub in bdsm doesn't reflect my normal personality. And I won't be submissive if I don't respect the dominant."

I am a very alpha woman in day to day life and have tried being a domme but I don't get any sexual satisfaction from itso I understand what you are saying.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Some people say I can be submissive in real life but not sure I agree. Majority of times I engage in my sub sides it has little to do with sex for me, even if giving the other person sexual pleasure. It is not sexually arousing for me.

I just prefer when others have control esp when trust has been built up

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"For those who play as sub or bottom, does your need to play this way ebb and flow with different life phases, or is it a constant need?

What do you think affects how you want to play? Or are your sexual desires entirely separate from the rest of your life?

I do things in a vanilla way and find being dominant in a relationship a normal act I must play.

I find being submissive more kinky and exciting. But also just genrally enjoy domme women. I don't like making decisions. I'd rather someone I trusted was in control.

Being sub in bdsm doesn't reflect my normal personality. And I won't be submissive if I don't respect the dominant."

This is very much how I feel, although my ‘dominance’ in real life varies with situation. I can’t find people to play with that I’m happy to submit to though, although it turns me on.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Some people say I can be submissive in real life but not sure I agree. Majority of times I engage in my sub sides it has little to do with sex for me, even if giving the other person sexual pleasure. It is not sexually arousing for me.

I just prefer when others have control esp when trust has been built up "

Is that because they are playing without caring about your pleasure? Do not really Dom/sub so much as just taking advantage?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I just prefer when others have control esp when trust has been built up

Is that because they are playing without caring about your pleasure? Do not really Dom/sub so much as just taking advantage?"

I don't think so. I just rarely find bdsm sexually arousing. They meet other needs

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By *indbodyplayerMan over a year ago

Surrey /City/ Devon

"‘Non pretentious Sirs who are exceptional lovers’. That sounds like an excellent search criterion."

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By *ensualMan over a year ago

Sutton

I just prefer when others have control esp when trust has been built up

Is that because they are playing without caring about your pleasure? Do not really Dom/sub so much as just taking advantage?

I don't think so. I just rarely find bdsm sexually arousing. They meet other needs"

I agree, what I find frustrating about Fab Swingers discussing BDSM is the constant requirement for the kink to be sex orientated. It is a case of, here is little kink but then let's get to vanilla sex. Which to me is one thing on the table, but not the most interesting.

It is also frustrating that those who like edge play are labelled as having personality disorders by people who do their own kink but have never looked out of their box.

I accept kink and sex are intimately connected, anyone who has read the Marquis De Sade or the Story of O will know that. But so is kink and edge play which is in those books however the books were clearly based on a lack of consent. The modern practice of kink is about clear and explicit peer to peer consent that is what makes the potential danger of BDSM acceptable. So those who indulge in edgeplay properly, first obtain clear consent for each action and the extent of such action.

Too many people who do not understand D/S see it as something that a dom/me does to a sub, rather than a meeting of minds where the sub wants from the dom something that can be other than sex and romance and the dom/me provides it.

There are people seeking D/S who are not interested in edgeplay or sex but seek to give to someone pure submission e.g maid service, Gorean Slaves, 50s Wives. Also Pro Dommes generally do not have sex with their submissive's but allow other services. Actually the most sadistic people I have seen in action have have been dommes.

So on the basis of genuine consent between the parties, please firstly respect the BDSM mantra:"My kink is not your kink but I respect your right to do your kink."

Secondly answer OP's enquiry without digs about how other people do their consensual BDSM.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It's abit shit hear for finding domme women.

There's not so many.

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By *ensualMan over a year ago

Sutton

Whether on here, or on the other site or at munches or at events, my experience is there are more people looking for a relationship than in one. Even those in a relationship are complaining about the inability to get the right third person.

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By *emini ManMan over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Under BDSM criteria I would label myself as submissive but it's a role I have rarely played out mainly because circumstances have prevailed to prevent it being explored but also partly because I won't give my submission to just anyone it has to be the right person and someone to whom I feel truly submissive.

So although I have underlying submissive cravings they're something I have learned to switch off until such time as circumstances prevail and allow me to take those steps to explore further.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm naturally passive and submissive. I don't make a conscious decision to be a certain way when I'm with a man.

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

My sexual desires are entirely separate from the rest of my life.

I think people who know me would be very surprised to discover I like to be submissive sexually.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I just prefer when others have control esp when trust has been built up

Is that because they are playing without caring about your pleasure? Do not really Dom/sub so much as just taking advantage?

I don't think so. I just rarely find bdsm sexually arousing. They meet other needs

It is also frustrating that those who like edge play are labelled as having personality disorders by people who do their own kink but have never looked out of their box.

So on the basis of genuine consent between the parties, please firstly respect the BDSM mantra:"My kink is not your kink but I respect your right to do your kink."

Secondly answer OP's enquiry without digs about how other people do their consensual BDSM.

BDSM is just a general term to cover kink but every person who likes to indulge in some of its aspects will be individuals and may also differ with what they enjoy as part of different couple dynamics and circumstances. There are no hard and fast rules for how or why people enjoy different aspects, otherwise it just become "Domming by Numbers"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm naturally passive and submissive. I don't make a conscious decision to be a certain way when I'm with a man. "

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By *icentiousCouple over a year ago

Up on them there hills

I’ve found, and this is my perspective, the more intelligent and in higher profile positions are the people who want to submit more.

Slight generation, as the juxtaposition doesn’t feed my need.

Okay, think this needs more research.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"My sexual desires are entirely separate from the rest of my life.

I think people who know me would be very surprised to discover I like to be submissive sexually."

This happens to me too - I have in the past had men contact me on Fab saying they were Dom and then after meeting with them I have found that actually they wanted a Domme and think that I could just switch to suit them as I am an independent woman in my day to day life. A woman who I have met a few times at parties thought I was a Domme and very surprised that I am a sub.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"‘Non pretentious Sirs who are exceptional lovers’. That sounds like an excellent search criterion.

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By *ensualMan over a year ago

Sutton

I just prefer when others have control esp when trust has been built up

Is that because they are playing without caring about your pleasure? Do not really Dom/sub so much as just taking advantage?

I don't think so. I just rarely find bdsm sexually arousing. They meet other needs

It is also frustrating that those who like edge play are labelled as having personality disorders by people who do their own kink but have never looked out of their box.

So on the basis of genuine consent between the parties, please firstly respect the BDSM mantra:"My kink is not your kink but I respect your right to do your kink."

Secondly answer OP's enquiry without digs about how other people do their consensual BDSM.

I think we are saying the same thing.

Unfortunately too many people on this thread and other threads only visualise a D/S relationship in one way, the way they want the relationship, and call other ways abuse or that the dom (as this is generally about M/F) is not a real dom.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

In the "real world " I am always strong and in control but I love to give that up sexually and am very submisive,always thought I'd be like that. But ... lately I have discovered my Domme side and am enjoying that too.

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By *mmacdheelsTV/TS over a year ago

France, And sometimes in

"For those who play as sub or bottom, does your need to play this way ebb and flow with different life phases, or is it a constant need?

What do you think affects how you want to play? Or are your sexual desires entirely separate from the rest of your life?"

I'm sure there are so many different answers but for me I only ever play as a sub/bottom. My mood or life situation never changes that at all. In day to day life i think i am more of a dominant and controlling person but could never be like that for sex play.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"For those who play as sub or bottom, does your need to play this way ebb and flow with different life phases, or is it a constant need?

What do you think affects how you want to play? Or are your sexual desires entirely separate from the rest of your life?"

My submission is a constant need in my life and is a big part of our sex life. Pleasing my husband when he is my Sir is an absolute joy.

I am quite assertive in my everyday so enjoy the freedom to let go of the need to control whilst in my submissive state.

When we have meets it will also involve BDSM play as that's where we get our biggest thrills.

M x

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By *emini ManMan over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"I think we are saying the same thing.

As I often say on threads like this - there is no right or wrong way to BDSM save for the *safe and sane* way *agreed* between two (or more) *consenting and informed* adults - the key words being those within the *'s - if they're not in place them it's a good sign something is not right or that there is an imbalance.

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By *ensualMan over a year ago

Sutton

[Removed by poster at 16/09/18 18:17:29]

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By *ensualMan over a year ago

Sutton

"I think we are saying the same thing.

I agree entirely in principle. The only thing is that it is becoming recognised that actually when you think about it a lot of D/S activities are neither safe nor sane. A simple physical example is breath play. Jay Wiseman says don't do it in any shape or form. But there are people on this thread that love it. A psychological example is humiliation, which can open a very dark box. So there may be safer ways to do things but in rope there is always inherent risk of harm, and the majority of the population would say most D/S activities are not sane. Therefore my impression is that people in BDSM are moving away from the mantra safe, sane, and consensual to RACK, Risk Aware Consensual Kink. People are now thinking of changing that so there is Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink or some are talking about ethically obtained consent.

But I think we on the same page.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I think we are saying the same thing.

Please don’t let this thread get derailed into a discussion of what are ‘true doms’ and ‘Duffy doms’ etc. I think the post that Zensual was calling out was actually mine, where I asked if not being turned on by BDSM was caused by people taking advantage. He was right, I was assuming that kink and sex we’re both the goal, and clearly in that situation they weren’t. Certainly no slight was intended to anyone’s practice though and I’m sorry if it came across that way.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

*diddy Doms

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Something I have wondered about is whether people feel the urge for kink more strongly when going through difficult times. I was hoping some posts might reflect on this.

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By *ensualMan over a year ago

Sutton

"I think we are saying the same thing.

I would say no slight was taken by your post.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I manage it both ways. I am predominantly a Domme in the bedroom but every now and again want to be dominated. I wouldn’t say it had anything to do with my personality but I am definitely a switch which just depends on my mood.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just love a powerful woman and submitting to one totally is just incredible

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By *rsSBWoman over a year ago

toy town

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By *indbodyplayerMan over a year ago

Surrey /City/ Devon

"Something I have wondered about is whether people feel the urge for kink more strongly when going through difficult times. I was hoping some posts might reflect on this."

I know of some friends who get more extreme in their sexual or kinky needs in this type of situation. The need to be sated, exhausted or broken intensifies.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Something I have wondered about is whether people feel the urge for kink more strongly when going through difficult times. I was hoping some posts might reflect on this.

I know of some friends who get more extreme in their sexual or kinky needs in this type of situation. The need to be sated, exhausted or broken intensifies. "

Yes, this is what I was wondering. Pregnancy and stress intensify my need for kink.

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By *indbodyplayerMan over a year ago

Surrey /City/ Devon

"I'm naturally passive and submissive. I don't make a conscious decision to be a certain way when I'm with a man. "

Get this completely. It’s about the space that opens from the unique connection between two kinky lovers. No two situations the same.

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By *indbodyplayerMan over a year ago

Surrey /City/ Devon

"Something I have wondered about is whether people feel the urge for kink more strongly when going through difficult times. I was hoping some posts might reflect on this.

I know of some friends who get more extreme in their sexual or kinky needs in this type of situation. The need to be sated, exhausted or broken intensifies.

Yes, this is what I was wondering. Pregnancy and stress intensify my need for kink."

See the need for more kink in both those ....I want to say they are very different situations....

Are your desires the same in each?

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By *emini ManMan over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"I think we are saying the same thing.

But I think we on the same page."

I think so too and saying the same thing different ways - what may be safe and sane for one person may not be for another and the key is in the consensual part of the mantra, along with the agreed between two (or more) people bit - but we digress

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

A digression, but a very interesting one. Thank you.

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By *emini ManMan over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"Something I have wondered about is whether people feel the urge for kink more strongly when going through difficult times. I was hoping some posts might reflect on this."

I'm not sure that I do but then I've only ever dabbled in actual D/s scenes (as opposed to kink play which is different) in reality (see my earlier post) so don't actually know if that need would vary at different times - but can certainly understand how it might.

The need to relieve stress by handing over control and letting someone else take the reins for a while for example.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Pregnancy and stress intensify my need for kink.

See the need for more kink in both those ....I want to say they are very different situations....

Are your desires the same in each?"

Never got to live anything out when pregnant, but fantasies were similar to what I tried out later at key stress points. I don’t have regular kinky play partners tho, so the need has never really been sated.

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By *lenderfoxMan over a year ago

Leeds

Pregnancy and stress intensify my need for kink.

See the need for more kink in both those ....I want to say they are very different situations....

Are your desires the same in each?

I guess it could be considered escapism in some form

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I crave dom/sub play constantly. Being in a submissive headspace makes me feel alive. I love it so much x

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By *ensualMan over a year ago

Sutton

I have met people who defined themselves as submissive's and saw it as part of their being. This included being in a submissive relationship and regular impact play. So for them it is not an escape or play but a part of themselves. Such that in parts of the country were there are not reliable doms, submissive's learn to service top each other to help ease their submission.

A lot of the D/S conversation on Fab is taken by single people looking for another single person as a partner.

But there are submissive's who seek a D/S relationship for a variety of reasons outside of the primary relationship. A thread a read on the other site was a married woman submissive who once the children had gone to school and her husband had gone to work would clean her house top to bottom. Then drive the ten miles to her Master's house and clean that top to bottom.

The more I read and see of the scene any D/S relationship must conform to the real world. So one third of time is sleeping, one third is work and in the other third life has to be fitted in so inevitably D/S needs to work around realities and the ups and down of human emotions and life.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Something I have wondered about is whether people feel the urge for kink more strongly when going through difficult times. I was hoping some posts might reflect on this."

I sometimes find the kink scene (and don't just mean play) can give me things when real life is kicking my butt. Being involved in helping run events and introduce people into kink haa given me a confidence I don't often get in vanilla world

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'd consider it escapism, especially from stressful situations or life stages.

I'm easy going in everyday life and what it throws at me 90% of the time but that other 10% has me craving a partner that trusts me enough to be very assertive with her.

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By *illy_the_tvTV/TS over a year ago

hoorn, Netherlands

Anyone that knows me day to day would never expect me to be a sub. My sexual preference has no bearing on my day to day personality.

As a side note, what's with straight people stealing the term bottom for sub, it's a term from the gay community and sub and bottom have no relevance on each other, you can get a dominant bottom, it just means you're the reciever

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I work with an extremely dominant and powerful lady on a daily basis, whilst away on trips we've has tapped massively into her sub and my dominant personalities

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By *eppoMan over a year ago

London Colney

"I work with an extremely dominant and powerful lady on a daily basis, whilst away on trips we've has tapped massively into her sub and my dominant personalities

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By *eppoMan over a year ago

London Colney

"I crave dom/sub play constantly. Being in a submissive headspace makes me feel alive. I love it so much x"

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