FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > Restraint and control how do you identify playmates?
Restraint and control how do you identify playmates?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Musing about eroticism, my three most erotic 121 experiences recently were being required to be silent whilst being fucked, being gagged with my own pants and being required to delay my orgasm. None of the three guys identified as ‘dominant’, all identified as liking to please a woman. The power exchange happened after many hours of amazing sex when we were both very turned on.
I’d love to explore the psychological aspects of control and restraint further, but those three people are either no longer, or rarely, available. Any suggestions on how to identify others who may like to play like this. It’s not a straight bdsm thing and I’ve become really disenchanted with bdsm ‘players’ who are more interested in describing ‘true doms’ and reciting rules of play than getting inside the mind of the people they play with.
Suggestions and insights into psychological restraint play very welcome. |
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Interesting question... i have been known to dominate occasionally in the bedroom... i enjoyed some of the activities you describe. It can be as fun as physical restraint itself.
Leading into your next point, knowing when to use this type of play is tough to say... in some ways its natural... but i think it's based on subtle clues you receive from the other person.
You have to think, how did dominants and subs meet before the internet... i think its those subtle clues and gut feelings. We seem less in tune with them now.
Even now when i meet women, i find myself either neutral, taking a more dom stance or feeling sub towards them. There is an alignment and its quite quick... the trick i guess is, assuming that person is play worthy, is to not try and over hide the fact you feel that vibe... then see if they engage...
IMO. |
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I would suggest identifying what traits those people had it common then finding profiles that suggest they also share those.
I think you'll ultimately only fully gauge it once you chat to someone, I've found I get a sense that someone enjoys the mental side of play and then discussed it with them |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Interesting question... i have been known to dominate occasionally in the bedroom... i enjoyed some of the activities you describe. It can be as fun as physical restraint itself.
Leading into your next point, knowing when to use this type of play is tough to say... in some ways its natural... but i think it's based on subtle clues you receive from the other person.
You have to think, how did dominants and subs meet before the internet... i think its those subtle clues and gut feelings. We seem less in tune with them now.
Even now when i meet women, i find myself either neutral, taking a more dom stance or feeling sub towards them. There is an alignment and its quite quick... the trick i guess is, assuming that person is play worthy, is to not try and over hide the fact you feel that vibe... then see if they engage...
IMO."
Really interesting POV, and one I will bear in mind when meeting people in the future. I think you might be right that it’s real life chemistry rather than something that can be expressed or found virtually, unless both parties are really adept communicators. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Ha, like we would tell you so you can control it, tut tut.
However, George Miller 7 +/2 is a clue about sub space and fractionation is a clue about control."
I’ve read some stuff about this as you mentioned it before, but unless you are essentially talking about sensual overload to help someone to release control I don’t really see how it’s relevant. I don’t generally need to count beyond seven when I’m having sex. I’m not THAT greedy! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I would suggest identifying what traits those people had it common then finding profiles that suggest they also share those.
I think you'll ultimately only fully gauge it once you chat to someone, I've found I get a sense that someone enjoys the mental side of play and then discussed it with them "
This is hard. None had very informative fab profiles, certainly nothing to indicate a pleasure in controlling, and only one even had bdsm on his profile.in person all three are very good in bed, so are confident with women and very experienced and I may have felt slightly with all three that I was punching slightly above my weight sexually. |
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"I would suggest identifying what traits those people had it common then finding profiles that suggest they also share those.
I think you'll ultimately only fully gauge it once you chat to someone, I've found I get a sense that someone enjoys the mental side of play and then discussed it with them
This is hard. None had very informative fab profiles, certainly nothing to indicate a pleasure in controlling, and only one even had bdsm on his profile.in person all three are very good in bed, so are confident with women and very experienced and I may have felt slightly with all three that I was punching slightly above my weight sexually."
It's difficult, people don't really go into such specifics on here. I mention kink on mine but don't delve into any detail.
Perhaps it's the quiet confidence that's indicative, though that's something that only really come across when you meet someone face to face |
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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago
Up on them there hills |
"Ha, like we would tell you so you can control it, tut tut.
However, George Miller 7 +/2 is a clue about sub space and fractionation is a clue about control.
I’ve read some stuff about this as you mentioned it before, but unless you are essentially talking about sensual overload to help someone to release control I don’t really see how it’s relevant. I don’t generally need to count beyond seven when I’m having sex. I’m not THAT greedy!"
Didn’t realise you were that quick.
Plus it’s not good if you are in a cognitive state to count.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Maybe try finding someone you get alone with that’s open minded and see if you can explore together that way, ask others for opinions and ideas of what you two can do together |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Ha, like we would tell you so you can control it, tut tut.
However, George Miller 7 +/2 is a clue about sub space and fractionation is a clue about control.
I’ve read some stuff about this as you mentioned it before, but unless you are essentially talking about sensual overload to help someone to release control I don’t really see how it’s relevant. I don’t generally need to count beyond seven when I’m having sex. I’m not THAT greedy!
Didn’t realise you were that quick.
Plus it’s not good if you are in a cognitive state to count. "
You mentioned it on here weeks ago in something. Agree with you about the counting, that’s where the beingvturned on comes into play..I couldn’t recount all that happens in a full on group play, and that’s endorphins not booze. |
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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago
Up on them there hills |
"Ha, like we would tell you so you can control it, tut tut.
However, George Miller 7 +/2 is a clue about sub space and fractionation is a clue about control.
I’ve read some stuff about this as you mentioned it before, but unless you are essentially talking about sensual overload to help someone to release control I don’t really see how it’s relevant. I don’t generally need to count beyond seven when I’m having sex. I’m not THAT greedy!
Didn’t realise you were that quick.
Plus it’s not good if you are in a cognitive state to count.
You mentioned it on here weeks ago in something. Agree with you about the counting, that’s where the beingvturned on comes into play..I couldn’t recount all that happens in a full on group play, and that’s endorphins not booze."
Escapism is such an odd state of mind, if controlled. |
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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago
Up on them there hills |
"This is all really interesting, any suggested reading?"
. George Millers 7 +/ - 2 theory and P. D. Ouspensky idea that we live in different levels at different times.
Gosh I need to get a life... |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
"Musing about eroticism, my three most erotic 121 experiences recently were being required to be silent whilst being fucked, being gagged with my own pants and being required to delay my orgasm. None of the three guys identified as ‘dominant’, all identified as liking to please a woman. The power exchange happened after many hours of amazing sex when we were both very turned on.
I’d love to explore the psychological aspects of control and restraint further, but those three people are either no longer, or rarely, available. Any suggestions on how to identify others who may like to play like this. It’s not a straight bdsm thing and I’ve become really disenchanted with bdsm ‘players’ who are more interested in describing ‘true doms’ and reciting rules of play than getting inside the mind of the people they play with.
Suggestions and insights into psychological restraint play very welcome."
At least you have identified what you are looking for which is bonus.
The reality is in the BDSM world it is even harder to find the right playmate, whether sub or dominant, than finding playmates in swinging.
The problem is that people fall for the fantasy of the perfect person appearing and doing magical things. This happened with you, but I wonder whether there was negotiation and discussion of the play beforehand. If not you had a lucky escape. If you did negotiate before then well done you have had rare experiences.
I refuse to criticise other dom's styles because one person's meat is another s poison. These relationships are intensely personal.
In terms of you continuing in the scene the phrase "Tops" exists. Tops tend to work on scenes and not relationships. They tend to be skilled and control scenes. They can be dominant but not in a dictionary definition of dominant. They can also be "Service Tops" who provide their skills for the pleasure of the "bottom". If a top is skilled they would be able to provide references.
I also believe that taking time is important, and being hard headed and interviewing who you want to play with. When restrained is not the time to go with the flow. It is essential you know beforehand that the person will be respectful, skilled and empathic. This means full and frank discussion of what can and cannot occur.
Meeting the right people takes time,but is worth the wait.
Good Luck. |
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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago
Up on them there hills |
"Musing about eroticism, my three most erotic 121 experiences recently were being required to be silent whilst being fucked, being gagged with my own pants and being required to delay my orgasm. None of the three guys identified as ‘dominant’, all identified as liking to please a woman. The power exchange happened after many hours of amazing sex when we were both very turned on.
I’d love to explore the psychological aspects of control and restraint further, but those three people are either no longer, or rarely, available. Any suggestions on how to identify others who may like to play like this. It’s not a straight bdsm thing and I’ve become really disenchanted with bdsm ‘players’ who are more interested in describing ‘true doms’ and reciting rules of play than getting inside the mind of the people they play with.
Suggestions and insights into psychological restraint play very welcome.
At least you have identified what you are looking for which is bonus.
The reality is in the BDSM world it is even harder to find the right playmate, whether sub or dominant, than finding playmates in swinging.
The problem is that people fall for the fantasy of the perfect person appearing and doing magical things. This happened with you, but I wonder whether there was negotiation and discussion of the play beforehand. If not you had a lucky escape. If you did negotiate before then well done you have had rare experiences.
I refuse to criticise other dom's styles because one person's meat is another s poison. These relationships are intensely personal.
In terms of you continuing in the scene the phrase "Tops" exists. Tops tend to work on scenes and not relationships. They tend to be skilled and control scenes. They can be dominant but not in a dictionary definition of dominant. They can also be "Service Tops" who provide their skills for the pleasure of the "bottom". If a top is skilled they would be able to provide references.
I also believe that taking time is important, and being hard headed and interviewing who you want to play with. When restrained is not the time to go with the flow. It is essential you know beforehand that the person will be respectful, skilled and empathic. This means full and frank discussion of what can and cannot occur.
Meeting the right people takes time,but is worth the wait.
Good Luck."
 |
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"This is all really interesting, any suggested reading?. George Millers 7 +/ - 2 theory and P. D. Ouspensky idea that we live in different levels at different times.
Gosh I need to get a life..."
Ha you don't, this is far more interesting that 99% of the forum |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
"This is all really interesting, any suggested reading?"
Wild Side Sex: The Book Of Kink by Midori
The Heart of Dominance: a guide to practicing consensual dominance Anton Fulman
The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge Tristan Taormino
Anything by Jay Wiseman |
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"This is all really interesting, any suggested reading?
Wild Side Sex: The Book Of Kink by Midori
The Heart of Dominance: a guide to practicing consensual dominance Anton Fulman
The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge Tristan Taormino
Anything by Jay Wiseman"
Cheers for this |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Well this is a good topic!
As for me, I make it obvious in my profile.
If a potential partner doesn't mention it, I do, and see how they reply.
I have found being subtle doesn't work for me. x"
I was specific in a previous profile, but that just attracted ‘dom’ types who were Into spanking, flogging and leather restraints, even the one intelligent guy I enjoyed playing with. I’m looking for something more psychological and subtle, where self restraint and handing over of power is more important than leather straps. For me the eroticism lies in being led beyond the boundaries of your normal behaviour, not because you are ‘ordered’ to, but because you are so turned on by another that all you want to do in that moment is please them. And for me, self restraint from something so really want to do (climax, jump on his cock, masturbate) is so much more sexy and powerful, than being physically unable to do it.
Does that make sense to anyone? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"This is all really interesting, any suggested reading?
Wild Side Sex: The Book Of Kink by Midori
The Heart of Dominance: a guide to practicing consensual dominance Anton Fulman
The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge Tristan Taormino
Anything by Jay Wiseman"
Looking them up now. Thank you.
Would still prefer a playmate though.. |
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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago
Up on them there hills |
"This is all really interesting, any suggested reading?
Wild Side Sex: The Book Of Kink by Midori
The Heart of Dominance: a guide to practicing consensual dominance Anton Fulman
The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge Tristan Taormino
Anything by Jay Wiseman
Looking them up now. Thank you.
Would still prefer a playmate though.."
Totally abandoned non cognitive sex- huh a thing of the past. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
Looking them up now. Thank you.
Would still prefer a playmate though..
Totally abandoned non cognitive sex- huh a thing of the past."
Difficult to say as I have no idea what you mean by that term. I always KNOW when I’m having sex.. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"So lady, what are your criteria in choosing playmates?"
Depends on what Im looking for at the time and what the circumstances are. You know I love clubs, group play and interracial events. This is just one strand, and something Ive been interested in for decades... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Fascinating topic thankyou. I also find the people that can do this dont advertise it on their profile as such. A few such people have found me, even with the profile I have currently not mentioning any interests at all . Sometimes it can just be the message recieved and they way you write back to each other thats seems to make a match.
How did the others approach you initially, was it all the same feeling you got from them, could you recognise it again.
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Fascinating topic thankyou. I also find the people that can do this dont advertise it on their profile as such. A few such people have found me, even with the profile I have currently not mentioning any interests at all . Sometimes it can just be the message recieved and they way you write back to each other thats seems to make a match.
How did the others approach you initially, was it all the same feeling you got from them, could you recognise it again.
"
No. Two of them I bumped into by chance in clubs and the switch of control only took place after a couple of meets. The third I had chatted to for ages but his chat style is brief and he plays his cards close to his chest. The closest I got to a description of his play style (which incorporates a lot of bdsm elements) is that he ‘likes to mix it up’. I think he is EXCEPTIONALLY good at reading women and their bodies response.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I definitely like to play this way. I’d never consider myself a Dom and I think of myself as a pleaser but as I get more confident with someone I gain the confidence to gradually start pushing. Nothing extreme and only if I’m getting the signals that indicate they’d enjoy it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fascinating topic thankyou. I also find the people that can do this dont advertise it on their profile as such. A few such people have found me, even with the profile I have currently not mentioning any interests at all . Sometimes it can just be the message recieved and they way you write back to each other thats seems to make a match.
How did the others approach you initially, was it all the same feeling you got from them, could you recognise it again.
No. Two of them I bumped into by chance in clubs and the switch of control only took place after a couple of meets. The third I had chatted to for ages but his chat style is brief and he plays his cards close to his chest. The closest I got to a description of his play style (which incorporates a lot of bdsm elements) is that he ‘likes to mix it up’. I think he is EXCEPTIONALLY good at reading women and their bodies response.
"
Almost a bit more exciting to be 'found' aswell especially as if like you say he has been reading your body and how you respond to him. Knowing he's taking notice. Ooh. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I coined the term “jazz sex” to describe what you’re talking about
People who know what they’re doing starting together and playing each other like musical instruments. No real idea knowing where it will go but feeding off each other and weaving magic. Perfect |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"
No. Two of them I bumped into by chance in clubs and the switch of control only took place after a couple of meets. The third I had chatted to for ages but his chat style is brief and he plays his cards close to his chest. The closest I got to a description of his play style (which incorporates a lot of bdsm elements) is that he ‘likes to mix it up’. I think he is EXCEPTIONALLY good at reading women and their bodies response.
Almost a bit more exciting to be 'found' aswell especially as if like you say he has been reading your body and how you respond to him. Knowing he's taking notice. Ooh. "
He’a a bit of a sex genius. Could predict how I’d react better than I could. Unfortunately no longer available to me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There is a fairly well know website in the BDSM world that is worth looking for. There you will find local 'munches' (meet ups of kinky folk to just chat and drink and socialise) Literally so glad I became more involved with that site and scene |
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By *nestWoman
over a year ago
Okehampton |
"There is a fairly well know website in the BDSM world that is worth looking for. There you will find local 'munches' (meet ups of kinky folk to just chat and drink and socialise) Literally so glad I became more involved with that site and scene"
I had a look at local munches, they all seemed to have an age limit on that excluded me at 52 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I know I’m kinky but not sure of the exact description or definition of it. I’ve made comments on a forum in the past about not putting labels on things such as slave sub master Dom etc and got shot down by the “experts”. For me I know I enjoy kinky play in lots of areas. Nothing bettter than an afternoon or evening of kink, exploring each other and seeing where things go. I don’t know what label to put on it but I’ll stick with enjoying it whenever the opportunity arises. |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
"There is a fairly well know website in the BDSM world that is worth looking for. There you will find local 'munches' (meet ups of kinky folk to just chat and drink and socialise) Literally so glad I became more involved with that site and scene
I had a look at local munches, they all seemed to have an age limit on that excluded me at 52 "
In London they have the under 35s munch and over 35s but all ages are welcome to each munch. I would check with the organisers on the age bracket. Worst comes to worst start your own munch! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I know I’m kinky but not sure of the exact description or definition of it. I’ve made comments on a forum in the past about not putting labels on things such as slave sub master Dom etc and got shot down by the “experts”. For me I know I enjoy kinky play in lots of areas. Nothing bettter than an afternoon or evening of kink, exploring each other and seeing where things go. I don’t know what label to put on it but I’ll stick with enjoying it whenever the opportunity arises. "
 |
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"Well this is a good topic!
As for me, I make it obvious in my profile.
If a potential partner doesn't mention it, I do, and see how they reply.
I have found being subtle doesn't work for me. x
I was specific in a previous profile, but that just attracted ‘dom’ types who were Into spanking, flogging and leather restraints, even the one intelligent guy I enjoyed playing with. I’m looking for something more psychological and subtle, where self restraint and handing over of power is more important than leather straps. For me the eroticism lies in being led beyond the boundaries of your normal behaviour, not because you are ‘ordered’ to, but because you are so turned on by another that all you want to do in that moment is please them. And for me, self restraint from something so really want to do (climax, jump on his cock, masturbate) is so much more sexy and powerful, than being physically unable to do it.
Does that make sense to anyone?"
Oh you are another me! Think I might just be swooning x |
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By *andr1Couple
over a year ago
Cork |
"Two of them I bumped into by chance in clubs and the switch of control only took place after a couple of meets. The third I had chatted to for ages but his chat style is brief and he plays his cards close to his chest. The closest I got to a description of his play style (which incorporates a lot of bdsm elements) is that he ‘likes to mix it up’. I think he is EXCEPTIONALLY good at reading women and their bodies response."
We think you have found the answer to your own question, there, on how to meet more people like that: do what's worked for you in the past. When we read the opening post, our first suggestion was going to be: go to clubs, watch how people behave with other people, and take it from there. You've got an experienced eye now, so you know what you're looking for in a talented top. So why not do that, and report back on how it goes?
"The power exchange happened after many hours of amazing sex when we were both very turned on"
Ah, now, you've almost certainly worked this out already, but just to be sure: this may well mean you need a similar extended warm-up in the future, and that without it, the power exchange just doesn't work for you, and/or just won't have anything like that intensity you've found on your previous trips to sub-space: you might find you can't suspend disbelief, and engage the required trust, without that foundation.
Good luck! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
You really need to find someone you get on with and both open to exploring anything.
If this is part of that then work on it together. Test each other's boundaries.
Repeat meets then get better and better with anticipation building through filthy messages.
I've met a new friend on here and she wants to be restrained and played with more. We can't wait for the next meet. Not something I've had at the top of my list bit now can't wait!
She even wants to add another female to play with her with me while restrained.
Exciting times ahead for us all I'm sure!
Stay safe x |
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You sound very much like me a long time ago! I joined fab looking for exactly what you are, I started off saying so in my profile and like you the ridiculous messages I recieved made me very quickly delete anything that could contribute to a dull one liner!
As it is he found me because of a comment i'd made on this forum right at the time I had given up on this fantasy man ever being a reality!
Communication is key, you will soon know when the right person comes along I did before i'd even met him, and when you do the power switch will happen naturally and easily. The biggest part of my submission to him is mentally (without that for me the physical submission wouldn't happen)
I wanted someone to get in my head and he made it look very easy because we clicked so so well and he was exactly what I was looking for(Helps that I also now get the best sex I have ever had!!) Keep looking and dont settle for anything less than what is perfect for you
SubGirl 3 |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"You really need to find someone you get on with and both open to exploring anything.
If this is part of that then work on it together. Test each other's boundaries.
Repeat meets then get better and better with anticipation building through filthy messages.
I've met a new friend on here and she wants to be restrained and played with more. We can't wait for the next meet. Not something I've had at the top of my list bit now can't wait!
She even wants to add another female to play with her with me while restrained.
Exciting times ahead for us all I'm sure!
Stay safe x"
That sounds absolutely great fun!
Essential problem with your good suggestion is finding a repeat meet. I have not yet made regular friends this time round. I live in hope.. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You sound very much like me a long time ago! I joined fab looking for exactly what you are, I started off saying so in my profile and like you the ridiculous messages I recieved made me very quickly delete anything that could contribute to a dull one liner!
As it is he found me because of a comment i'd made on this forum right at the time I had given up on this fantasy man ever being a reality!
Communication is key, you will soon know when the right person comes along I did before i'd even met him, and when you do the power switch will happen naturally and easily. The biggest part of my submission to him is mentally (without that for me the physical submission wouldn't happen)
I wanted someone to get in my head and he made it look very easy because we clicked so so well and he was exactly what I was looking for(Helps that I also now get the best sex I have ever had!!) Keep looking and dont settle for anything less than what is perfect for you
SubGirl 3"
Thank you! A really heartening response. I fear the search may be a long one..and there are many distractions all no the way.. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Two of them I bumped into by chance in clubs and the switch of control only took place after a couple of meets. The third I had chatted to for ages but his chat style is brief and he plays his cards close to his chest. The closest I got to a description of his play style (which incorporates a lot of bdsm elements) is that he ‘likes to mix it up’. I think he is EXCEPTIONALLY good at reading women and their bodies response.
We think you have found the answer to your own question, there, on how to meet more people like that: do what's worked for you in the past. When we read the opening post, our first suggestion was going to be: go to clubs, watch how people behave with other people, and take it from there. You've got an experienced eye now, so you know what you're looking for in a talented top. So why not do that, and report back on how it goes?
The power exchange happened after many hours of amazing sex when we were both very turned on
Ah, now, you've almost certainly worked this out already, but just to be sure: this may well mean you need a similar extended warm-up in the future, and that without it, the power exchange just doesn't work for you, and/or just won't have anything like that intensity you've found on your previous trips to sub-space: you might find you can't suspend disbelief, and engage the required trust, without that foundation.
Good luck!"
A really considered response, thank you. Are you suggesting kink nights in clubs? I don’t see much topping in clubs otherwise..a bit of playful flogging occasionally, but I have generally been making my own fun rather than watching.. |
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By *andr1Couple
over a year ago
Cork |
"A really considered response, thank you. Are you suggesting kink nights in clubs? I don’t see much topping in clubs otherwise..a bit of playful flogging occasionally, but I have generally been making my own fun rather than watching.."
How kind, you've very welcome. We don't really know the Leeds scene; but at Le Boudoir in London, for example, there's a dungeon where you'll see topping; and there are the playrooms where you won't see much topping. So it works as a sex club and as a kink club, all in one evening. That's Saturdays (couples and single women) - we haven't been on other nights. If Leeds doesn't have something like that, then a dedicated kink night would be one way to go. Though your enjoyment on such a night might well depend on how much pleasure you'd get from just primarily watching other people play, and getting ideas for what you might want to try.
It's quite usual to need to spend at least 7-10 hours in someone's company before wanting to play with them, and that opportunity just isn't going to arise in a club on a single night; but it might at least give you the chance to meet and chat with people about other meets; munches would be additional way to build that time together. Some people are happy to play almost immediately: A has had several people sub for him, on meeting in the club for the first time, after they'd watched him top others there and then.
We expect you know this from your own experiences, and we'll mention it anyway for others: if you want to chat with a sub about how they met their top, having watched the top and concluding that this particular one has the talent and perceptiveness you're after, please do give them a bit of time to ease out of sub-space when the session finishes: it's a magical, delicate, vulnerable time. And please do check in with the top, first, that it's a good time for the sub to talk to you.
A & R |
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"You sound very much like me a long time ago! I joined fab looking for exactly what you are, I started off saying so in my profile and like you the ridiculous messages I recieved made me very quickly delete anything that could contribute to
As it is he found me because of a comment i'd made on this forum right at the time I had given up on this fantasy man ever being a reality!
Communication is key, you will soon know when the right person comes along I did before i'd even met him, and when you do the power switch will happen naturally and easily. The biggest part of my submission to him is mentally (without that for me the physical submission wouldn't happen)
I wanted someone to get in my head and he made it look very easy because we clicked so so well and he was exactly what I was looking for(Helps that I also now get the best sex I have ever had!!) Keep looking and dont settle for anything less than what is perfect for you
SubGirl 3
Thank you! A really heartening response. I fear the search may be a long one..and there are many distractions all no the way.."
Enjoy the distractions along the way  No harm in having fun along the way and what you are looking for will more than likely happen when you least expect it!! |
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It's so very lovely to find a few people on here who share my and my sub's feelings that true fet-play is INFINITELY more mental than physical.
Don't get me wrong - my taliba is an extremely physical individual. Given half a chance. And sometimes it's wonderful to hear her almost sobbing her "no, no, nooooo" as she loses physical control again.
But the thing that nakes my heart beat faster than anything, that reminds me quite how much I love her and how truly she is mine, is when she has one of her heart-meltingly bratty little stamps, and she feels just a little bit more controlled.
It's one reason I don't turn to rope play, aesthetically beautiful though it is. I love the fact that she has to strive harder to be more wholly possessed if she's not tied down. A slack lead is sometimes much more controlling.
How did we find each other? On here, by chance. And we both knew within about 5 seconds of meeting. And I love and own her more every day. She is my perfectly imperfect taliba.
Good luck, and every possible good wish in your search. You will find them. And you WILL know when you do. |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
"It's so very lovely to find a few people on here who share my and my sub's feelings that true fet-play is INFINITELY more mental than physical.
Don't get me wrong - my taliba is an extremely physical individual. Given half a chance. And sometimes it's wonderful to hear her almost sobbing her "no, no, nooooo" as she loses physical control again.
But the thing that nakes my heart beat faster than anything, that reminds me quite how much I love her and how truly she is mine, is when she has one of her heart-meltingly bratty little stamps, and she feels just a little bit more controlled.
It's one reason I don't turn to rope play, aesthetically beautiful though it is. I love the fact that she has to strive harder to be more wholly possessed if she's not tied down. A slack lead is sometimes much more controlling.
How did we find each other? On here, by chance. And we both knew within about 5 seconds of meeting. And I love and own her more every day. She is my perfectly imperfect taliba.
Good luck, and every possible good wish in your search. You will find them. And you WILL know when you do."
I accept most things in kink are subjective personal preference and experience. I am not trying to start a pointless argument as newbies may get the wrong idea about rope.
I have had a similar debate before on the other site about the difference between western rope and Japanese rope and if you are talking Knotty Boys (cursed be their name) I would have to agree with you. However in regard to Japanese style rope I would like to clarify two points. Firstly rope for me (and for others that I know) is about communication rather than aesthetics, although in principle any tie should look good, it is not merely about looks. There is style called jazz rope which is about feel rather than look. Secondly rope is more than merely bondage it can be about being sensual, or sadistic as in the case of punch rope where no tying is required. I know a fairly unpleasant tie where there is no restraint and you tell the sub "let's see how strong your self control is?" They can get up and walk away at any time but many like to test themselves. With rope in the Japanese style rope bottoms like it for a variety of reasons. A style I love is ichinawa it is about being connected through the rope it does not have to be about top and bottom, it is about being in tune with each other.
Therefore rope can be about more than restraint. |
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By *nestWoman
over a year ago
Okehampton |
"There is a fairly well know website in the BDSM world that is worth looking for. There you will find local 'munches' (meet ups of kinky folk to just chat and drink and socialise) Literally so glad I became more involved with that site and scene
I had a look at local munches, they all seemed to have an age limit on that excluded me at 52
In London they have the under 35s munch and over 35s but all ages are welcome to each munch. I would check with the organisers on the age bracket. Worst comes to worst start your own munch! "
thanks, I think things may be a little different in the deepest, darkest depths of Devon |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
There seems not to be to a lot of deep dark goings on in deep dark Devon.
I had a quick look on the other site and both the Taunton Play munch and Taunton Somerset munches seem to be inactive. Time for someone to try and revive them or start a new munch. I go to both Crystal Palace Munch and Croydon Munch, both did not take place for years, but new people have grabbed them in the last 8 months and revived them.
It may be far, but there is a Truro munch on the 6th September at 7.30pm details on the other site.
I would also agree with others in regard to meeting people, more of my kink playmates were from Fab and swinging rather than from Kink events, which was one of the reasons I rejoined Fab having been off it a year. |
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By *rwolfMan
over a year ago
bristol |
As its been said, look into getting to a local munch or kink event like swamp or places like LAM.
There are websites aimed at kink aspects and meeting others into the scene.
Take your time in meeting people, like most contact sites there are those genuine and those that take advantage so ask about someones rep on the scene |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thank you for these considered responses. I’m quarantined with illness and kids st the moment, but once I can see again I will investigate this further. I have held this interest for decades but not been free to pursue it. I now need to and Im really pleased to see that there are people with kink interests who are not just about lining all their toys up on a table and dressing in studded black leather. |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
"Thank you for these considered responses. I’m quarantined with illness and kids st the moment, but once I can see again I will investigate this further. I have held this interest for decades but not been free to pursue it. I now need to and Im really pleased to see that there are people with kink interests who are not just about lining all their toys up on a table and dressing in studded black leather."
Excuse me, I am all about the number toys, but I prefer gothic or Victoriana wear |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Thank you for these considered responses. I’m quarantined with illness and kids st the moment, but once I can see again I will investigate this further. I have held this interest for decades but not been free to pursue it. I now need to and Im really pleased to see that there are people with kink interests who are not just about lining all their toys up on a table and dressing in studded black leather.
Excuse me, I am all about the number toys, but I prefer gothic or Victoriana wear "
Is that like the bdsm equivalent of cock size? Surely it’s what you do with them that matters? |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
"Thank you for these considered responses. I’m quarantined with illness and kids st the moment, but once I can see again I will investigate this further. I have held this interest for decades but not been free to pursue it. I now need to and Im really pleased to see that there are people with kink interests who are not just about lining all their toys up on a table and dressing in studded black leather.
Excuse me, I am all about the number toys, but I prefer gothic or Victoriana wear
Is that like the bdsm equivalent of cock size? Surely it’s what you do with them that matters?"
I shall treat that as an in innocent enquiry.
I can't speak for others and I only look at others to learn from them, but whether topping or dominating, I am very comfortable with what I bring to the table. |
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