FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > Social meets and Second meets
Social meets and Second meets
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Does anyone think that asking if you want to meet again during a social meet is kind of desperate, it puts me on the spot, which I hate and I often say yes when really I am not so sure. But am I not so sure or getting muddled with being put on the spot, if that makes sense. Why can a social meet just be a chat and no pressure or am I a bit of a weakling in not saying no at the time, maybe I just don't like upsetting people?  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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if we plan a social meet we always ask if they would like to meet again if we got on but also always offer in a social capacity not just a swinging one.
if you feel your put on the spot just take a deep breath and say ill drop you an email and let you know and dont lie, actually drop an email but dont feel pressured into saying yes ever. its your choice, and for us its nice if people say yes but not the end of the world if it doesnt click for them.
p and m x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Just say
"i'm not into making rash decisions (or something to that effect) and like to take your time to decide.
Or
"i would like to get to know you a little bit more before i decide".
Honesty is the best policy. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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if i get asked that i answer we will see how this goes 1st
i had a social recently and he was smoking on profile he doesnt smoke and he was very pushy. turned me right off
after that ii told him why i didn't want to meet again |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"if we plan a social meet we always ask if they would like to meet again if we got on but also always offer in a social capacity not just a swinging one.
if you feel your put on the spot just take a deep breath and say ill drop you an email and let you know and dont lie, actually drop an email but dont feel pressured into saying yes ever. its your choice, and for us its nice if people say yes but not the end of the world if it doesnt click for them.
p and m x"
I end up sending them a message in the end saying that I am not so sure, rather than a no I don't want to. And sometimes, I really am not sure. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I have to say if I asked someone if they wanted to meet again and they said Ill send you an email i'd take it as an obvious no  "
I think though if its obvious they like me and I feel the same, I would ask them but the last few of meets I have had, some have asked during the meet, others have messaged me and I have replied that I am not sure, they are easy to reply to then, shame all are not the same |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
Forum Mod |
"but its not an obvious no or she would have said it... 
"
Those are my thoughts if it was me,the OP is worried about saying no to someone that she feels has put her on the spot,she does'nt want to upset anyone |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"but its not an obvious no or she would have said it...
"
Quite right, sometimes I am not sure but I am struggling to work out whether its because they have put on the spot or I just don't want to meet them and hadn't made my mind up. In effect, they have made it for me I guess 'ping goes the lightbulb in my head'  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
Forum Mod |
"I have to say if I asked someone if they wanted to meet again and they said Ill send you an email i'd take it as an obvious no
I think though if its obvious they like me and I feel the same, I would ask them but the last few of meets I have had, some have asked during the meet, others have messaged me and I have replied that I am not sure, they are easy to reply to then, shame all are not the same"
Its never easy to turn someone down that is stood right in front of you on a social meet but most people will know they're not for everyone,as long as you're polite which im sure you are then they should be mature enough to accept that you're not right for each other
After the reason for the social meet is to find out if you click,its never a guarantee of further meets x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Does anyone think that asking if you want to meet again during a social meet is kind of desperate, it puts me on the spot, which I hate and I often say yes when really I am not so sure. But am I not so sure or getting muddled with being put on the spot, if that makes sense. Why can a social meet just be a chat and no pressure or am I a bit of a weakling in not saying no at the time, maybe I just don't like upsetting people? "
Let them know clearly before the first meet thats its just a social meet to start with but then you prefer to go away and have a think about taking things any further emailing them the following day to let them know what you want to do next, this gives them time to think about how they might wany to proceed. As long as they know before the first meet what your way of doing things is then there should be no probs. Good luck x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"but its not an obvious no or she would have said it...
Those are my thoughts if it was me,the OP is worried about saying no to someone that she feels has put her on the spot,she does'nt want to upset anyone"
I gathered... :P
Best just to answer someone after the initial meet then... and tell anyone asking for a second onee during the first to hold their horses
you should never be afraid to say no. Sometimes its far easier than letting it get further and more difficult.
Wolf |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Does anyone think that asking if you want to meet again during a social meet is kind of desperate, it puts me on the spot, which I hate and I often say yes when really I am not so sure. But am I not so sure or getting muddled with being put on the spot, if that makes sense. Why can a social meet just be a chat and no pressure or am I a bit of a weakling in not saying no at the time, maybe I just don't like upsetting people? "
No one likes upsetting people, I let a flirtation that I wasn't sure about go to far recently and had to explain, online, that I wasn't sure if I wanted to play but I did like them socially. They took it harshly, and yet I was trying to let them down gently.
Sometimes its harder initially but being honest is really the only solution.
It is unfair to put you on the spot, but they are asking for honesty by doing that, so should respect your decision. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"but its not an obvious no or she would have said it...
Those are my thoughts if it was me,the OP is worried about saying no to someone that she feels has put her on the spot,she does'nt want to upset anyone
I gathered... :P
Best just to answer someone after the initial meet then... and tell anyone asking for a second onee during the first to hold their horses
you should never be afraid to say no. Sometimes its far easier than letting it get further and more difficult.
Wolf"
Yes and I've been there before and would have rather not but told them when they kept trying to arrange another meet that actually I didn't want to, just would have preferred not to have been pushed into something I didn't want to do the first time
Lisa x  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I have to say if I asked someone if they wanted to meet again and they said Ill send you an email i'd take it as an obvious no
I think though if its obvious they like me and I feel the same, I would ask them but the last few of meets I have had, some have asked during the meet, others have messaged me and I have replied that I am not sure, they are easy to reply to then, shame all are not the same
Its never easy to turn someone down that is stood right in front of you on a social meet but most people will know they're not for everyone,as long as you're polite which im sure you are then they should be mature enough to accept that you're not right for each other
After the reason for the social meet is to find out if you click,its never a guarantee of further meets x"
A little difficult with newbies as they don't always know the 'rules' |
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By *ezebelWoman
over a year ago
North of The Wall - youll need your vest |
"Does anyone think that asking if you want to meet again during a social meet is kind of desperate, it puts me on the spot, which I hate and I often say yes when really I am not so sure. But am I not so sure or getting muddled with being put on the spot, if that makes sense. Why can a social meet just be a chat and no pressure or am I a bit of a weakling in not saying no at the time, maybe I just don't like upsetting people?
Let them know clearly before the first meet thats its just a social meet to start with but then you prefer to go away and have a think about taking things any further emailing them the following day to let them know what you want to do next, this gives them time to think about how they might wany to proceed. As long as they know before the first meet what your way of doing things is then there should be no probs. Good luck x"
I agree. Just tell them when you are setting up the meet that that is how you like to play things. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Does anyone think that asking if you want to meet again during a social meet is kind of desperate, it puts me on the spot, which I hate and I often say yes when really I am not so sure. But am I not so sure or getting muddled with being put on the spot, if that makes sense. Why can a social meet just be a chat and no pressure or am I a bit of a weakling in not saying no at the time, maybe I just don't like upsetting people?
Let them know clearly before the first meet thats its just a social meet to start with but then you prefer to go away and have a think about taking things any further emailing them the following day to let them know what you want to do next, this gives them time to think about how they might wany to proceed. As long as they know before the first meet what your way of doing things is then there should be no probs. Good luck x
I agree. Just tell them when you are setting up the meet that that is how you like to play things."
That is a good idea, I used to have a comment on my profile not to ask at social meets but no-one took any notice so I removed it |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Does anyone think that asking if you want to meet again during a social meet is kind of desperate, it puts me on the spot, which I hate and I often say yes when really I am not so sure. But am I not so sure or getting muddled with being put on the spot, if that makes sense. Why can a social meet just be a chat and no pressure or am I a bit of a weakling in not saying no at the time, maybe I just don't like upsetting people?
No one likes upsetting people, I let a flirtation that I wasn't sure about go to far recently and had to explain, online, that I wasn't sure if I wanted to play but I did like them socially. They took it harshly, and yet I was trying to let them down gently.
Sometimes its harder initially but being honest is really the only solution.
It is unfair to put you on the spot, but they are asking for honesty by doing that, so should respect your decision."
That's the thing, a couple of them have been quite nice just not wanted to take things further but maybe attend parties. Would be a little concerned that once there, they may try or leave me stranded with no way of getting home as punishment for turning them down |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I mostly don't wait to be asked... I don't mean I randomely message people just to tell them I don't fancy them lol!
If I know instantly that there's just no way, then I will politely say so as soon as possible... like with the blotchy guy with toothpaste on his face  or the one who turned up honking of stale beer and piss or even the one who just got on my nerves.
Most have actually said they prfered to know straight off than go home wondering. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
That's the thing, a couple of them have been quite nice just not wanted to take things further but maybe attend parties. Would be a little concerned that once there, they may try or leave me stranded with no way of getting home as punishment for turning them down"
Oooh that's an awful low down horrid thing to do to anyone.
Devil said she'd normally message em to let em know about any further meetings rather than have a potential confrontation.
Might be worth going to socials with a mate to 'keep an eye out'..
I know where you're coming from about not wanting to upset people, and I think it's very thoughtful, and very noble of you to think of others like that. Making an omlette does involve beaking the odd egg or two...
Wolf x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I rarely have a social meet, mostly play on the first meetup as its all more or less been covered in communication beforehand.To me a social meet can still be in private, at eithers home-as the last thing id do is feel like someone was forced to shag me just because were in the house together...thank fuck its not happened yetIm not overly keen on getitinASAP type of meet..I prefer chats n laughs and perhaps a long meet with possible overniteness. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i dont do social meets
I always meet for a drink first to see if we get on but if we like each other and want to play i can not see the point in going home to arrage a play meet id sooner play that time
there for i dont so much get guys asking if i want to meet again durig a drink rather ask if i want to play which is to be expected if thats the arrangment, so i just say yes or no
but to be honest even if your meet for just a drink i honestly think its perfectly resobale to ask if they would like to meet again
i dare say its only the ones you dont like that you feel are putting up on the spot as its easier to say yes to people you like rather than no to those you dont, but thats not their problem if you find it hard to say no you just have to get tougher |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If I do a social I wont ask there and then if they want to meet for fun etc, I may ask in a m ail later, but i think it IS unfair to put peeps on the spot |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Thing is with *some* guys, they think a social meet IS gonna lead straight to getting their leg over. a dead cert so to speak.
So its always best to tell any meets (social or otherwise) what the ground rules are in big black capital letters so they fully understand from the outset.
Then no one should be upset or feel let down.
Honesty of YOUR expectations is foremost. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Can't say I fully understand the problem. I always meet socially and it's made clear before meeting that's all it is and we can decide where we go from there.
If I'm asked do I want to meet again I have no qualms in saying "sorry, I don't think we're compatible". We're in a public place, what are they going to do? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"i dont do social meets
I always meet for a drink first to see if we get on but if we like each other and want to play i can not see the point in going home to arrage a play meet id sooner play that time
there for i dont so much get guys asking if i want to meet again durig a drink rather ask if i want to play which is to be expected if thats the arrangment, so i just say yes or no
but to be honest even if your meet for just a drink i honestly think its perfectly resobale to ask if they would like to meet again
i dare say its only the ones you dont like that you feel are putting up on the spot as its easier to say yes to people you like rather than no to those you dont, but thats not their problem if you find it hard to say no you just have to get tougher "
Its more the ones I am not sure on as well as the ones I don't like, having somewhere to play is difficult, with the last one for example, both of us have kids living with us |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Can't say I fully understand the problem. I always meet socially and it's made clear before meeting that's all it is and we can decide where we go from there.
If I'm asked do I want to meet again I have no qualms in saying "sorry, I don't think we're compatible". We're in a public place, what are they going to do? "
I do tell them when we exchange messages that it is just a social meet, if in their messages they keep making sexual comments, I remind them its just a social meet and that my profile says I cannot accommodate, if they still don't get it then, I don't meet them, and really those ones are just looking for a play meet because they are horny (and are not realistically looking for a social meet) like the one that wanted me to pop round to his on my way to a party  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I rarely have a social meet, mostly play on the first meetup as its all more or less been covered in communication beforehand.To me a social meet can still be in private, at eithers home-as the last thing id do is feel like someone was forced to shag me just because were in the house together...thank fuck its not happened yetIm not overly keen on getitinASAP type of meet..I prefer chats n laughs and perhaps a long meet with possible overniteness."
I cannot accommodate so meeting at my house is not an option, son is old enough not to need a babysitter. Also I would not give them my address nor would I want theirs until I have met them and can trust them, though even that is not foolproof. First rule of the internet is not to give out ones address and I will stick with that thanks as I would be too scared to say no once they are in my house |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"
That's the thing, a couple of them have been quite nice just not wanted to take things further but maybe attend parties. Would be a little concerned that once there, they may try or leave me stranded with no way of getting home as punishment for turning them down
Oooh that's an awful low down horrid thing to do to anyone.
Devil said she'd normally message em to let em know about any further meetings rather than have a potential confrontation.
Might be worth going to socials with a mate to 'keep an eye out'..
I know where you're coming from about not wanting to upset people, and I think it's very thoughtful, and very noble of you to think of others like that. Making an omlette does involve beaking the odd egg or two...
Wolf x"
Well that's what would worry me but I prefer to err on the side of caution. Think I may break more eggs at the moment than enjoy them whole |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What has worked well for me is to make it clear up front that it's purely a social meet and to let each other know via text or fab if either of us wants to take it further. Just takes the pressure off all round. If I've been put on the spot, then I don't have any qualms about saying yes or no to their face. Ms |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thing is with *some* guys, they think a social meet IS gonna lead straight to getting their leg over. a dead cert so to speak.
So its always best to tell any meets (social or otherwise) what the ground rules are in big black capital letters so they fully understand from the outset.
Then no one should be upset or feel let down.
Honesty of YOUR expectations is foremost. "
+1 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Its more the ones I am not sure on as well as the ones I don't like, having somewhere to play is difficult, with the last one for example, both of us have kids living with us"
I have got to the stage where if the messages make me not have a good feeling in my gut I decide they aren't worth a meet in any context
as much as i like meeting new people and having a drink and a laugh im not here for that im looking for sex and play meets
if people really want to meet me they can go to a social and meet me there |
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By *unPeteMan
over a year ago
Near Bristol |
"Its never easy to turn someone down that is stood right in front of you on a social meet but most people will know they're not for everyone,as long as you're polite which im sure you are then they should be mature enough to accept that you're not right for each other
After the reason for the social meet is to find out if you click,its never a guarantee of further meets x"
+1
I like the concept of social meets, and where the attraction is strong and obvious, why wait for the second meet to play?
Sometimes it's not so clear so I think it's acceptable to ask if someone wants a second meet. Personally I would ask by email to save putting anybody under pressure. Either way, I think it's best to be honest and direct if the answer is no ... to avoid giving someone false hope and/or waste their time.
There are desperate people on here and you have to consider their feelings but I think a polite but swift 'no' (face to face or email) is the best way forward.
It's what I would want from a meet.  |
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"Does anyone think that asking if you want to meet again during a social meet is kind of desperate, it puts me on the spot, which I hate and I often say yes when really I am not so sure. But am I not so sure or getting muddled with being put on the spot, if that makes sense. Why can a social meet just be a chat and no pressure or am I a bit of a weakling in not saying no at the time, maybe I just don't like upsetting people? "
We are lucky as being a couple we do not have the added pressure as to 'singles' on here being put on the spot. We are very upfront and when asked have said 'Yes' but only for drinks as we think you are fun to be with socially (meaning not to play).
If it is a couple we both like and they like us, it has been known for us to say 'so where we all stopping over' then for the next meet xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Does anyone think that asking if you want to meet again during a social meet is kind of desperate, it puts me on the spot, which I hate and I often say yes when really I am not so sure. But am I not so sure or getting muddled with being put on the spot, if that makes sense. Why can a social meet just be a chat and no pressure or am I a bit of a weakling in not saying no at the time, maybe I just don't like upsetting people? "
You can always say yes then change your mind. Everyone always has a choice up to the 59th minute no matter if it upsets someone you always retain the right to choose. |
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By *ikeC81Man
over a year ago
harrow |
I have done a mixture of all three...
Social only
Social that ended up with a play
Play
For me the socials that end up with the play are the best, as it's like more than expectations.
I agree if someone said social that. Wouldn't bother me at all |
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"but its not an obvious no or she would have said it...
"
It's an obvious no to me.... as I really am turned off by people who can't just express how they feel about something without it being a fecking huge drama.
I have sex with adults and in my adult world that means being able to say what you are thinking openly to a playmate/potential playmate/potential playmate you have just scrubbed off the list.
It doesn't mean being abrupt or rude or trying to cause offence.... and to be totally honest, if they get offended by someone calmly explaining what they currently feel about meeting again, then they are not the sort of person I'd want to play with anyway. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"but its not an obvious no or she would have said it...
It's an obvious no to me.... as I really am turned off by people who can't just express how they feel about something without it being a fecking huge drama.
I have sex with adults and in my adult world that means being able to say what you are thinking openly to a playmate/potential playmate/potential playmate you have just scrubbed off the list.
It doesn't mean being abrupt or rude or trying to cause offence.... and to be totally honest, if they get offended by someone calmly explaining what they currently feel about meeting again, then they are not the sort of person I'd want to play with anyway."
I wasn't actually making a drama about it just asking the question, its possibly harder when its a newbie than it is with someone who has been swinging a while. On the other hand in asking the question, its given me a few ideas on what to say/do. And that some people just don't read profiles or messages properly either |
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I’m not saying the post is a drama… I am saying people who panic and flap when they are asked a simple question about how they feel (face to face) make a drama out of it.
People who struggle to say “do you know what, I’ll give it a miss for now” or who are too nervous to say “sorry I’m just not feeling the right vibes” scare the shit out of me.
Why do they scare me? I am scared I’ll find out I have asked one to do something or taken them somewhere and then afterwards they say “I didn’t want to do that, I was just too nervous to say no”…. or worse still, post on the forum about how they had to go through with something they now regret, because they couldn’t pluck up the confidence to say “can I take a rain check on this one”
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’m not saying the post is a drama… I am saying people who panic and flap when they are asked a simple question about how they feel (face to face) make a drama out of it.
People who struggle to say “do you know what, I’ll give it a miss for now” or who are too nervous to say “sorry I’m just not feeling the right vibes” scare the shit out of me.
Why do they scare me? I am scared I’ll find out I have asked one to do something or taken them somewhere and then afterwards they say “I didn’t want to do that, I was just too nervous to say no”…. or worse still, post on the forum about how they had to go through with something they now regret, because they couldn’t pluck up the confidence to say “can I take a rain check on this one”
"
On the other hand though when that happened I was still a newbie myself, we all make mistakes and I have never done it since then |
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