 |
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
A woman walks into the store and purchases the following: 1 small box of detergent
1 Bar of soap
3 individual servings of yogurt
2 oranges
1 stick of women's deodorant.
She then goes to the check out line.
Cashier: Oh, you must be single
Woman: You can tell that by what I bought?
Cashier: No, you're fucking ugly! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *rummpsMan
over a year ago
thanet |
Vietnamese couple lying in bed when the guy starts to fart uncontrollably.
“OMG, that’s disgusting”, she cries.
“It’s the dog”, say the hapless guy.
“Don’t you dare try and blame the dog”, she explodes, “it was cooked perfectly”……
_rummps x |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *rummpsMan
over a year ago
thanet |
Young lad comes home from school and says “I saw Daddy and his secretary today”
“Oh really love” says mum, “Where was that?”
“We went on a field trip and Daddy was in the woods with his secretary” The boy reports.
“Listen sweetheart, why don’t you save the story until tea time when daddy’s home? Then he can enjoy it too. She replies.
Later at the tea table mum prompts sonny to relate his tale.
“I saw Daddy and his secretary in the woods today” blurts out the lad.
Quick as a flash, mum questions, “And what were they doing in the woods?”
To which the boy replies. “The same as you do with the man next door on Saturdays when Daddy plays golf only she kept her cloths on!”
Moral is, get all the facts before making a decision.
_rummps x
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed." I don't need you now! I don't need you now!"
Guess who had to put the batteries in. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
In 1991 three kids were playing in the street in Liverpool when they were hit by a train. They all go to heaven and God says to them, "You weren't supposed to die, you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I'll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there, and as you're flying back down to Earth, ...shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be."
The 1st kid takes a running leap and shouts "Lawyer" and so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Bench.
The 2nd kid takes his turn and shouts "brain surgeon" and so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives.
The 3rd kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles off the cloud muttering "stupid clumsy arsehole." 20 years later, he's playing No.10 for Man Utd. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
John takes a walk on a golf course and - surprise, surprise - he sees a golf ball. He picks it up and puts it in his pocket.
After a while he walks into another guy who says, pointing at the bump in his pocket: hey, what's that?
'A golf ball', John replies
'Oh...', says the other guy, 'is that something like a tennis elbow...?' |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I walked in my husbands office to find him fucking his secretary up the ass, "noooooo you can't do this to me" I screamed
'I know' he said
'that's why I'm doing it to her'! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A guy comes home screaming one day about this guinea pig that he's bought off a guy in the pub for £100.
He shows it to his wife who asked what's so special about it? He says that it gives the best blow job ever, to which she replies "Great, but what do you expect me to do with it?"
"Teach it to cook & fuck off" he says. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *orphinCouple
over a year ago
wirral |
Bailiffs at Dale Farm are trying to lighten the mood during the stressful eviction process, by wearing black wigs and short dresses, and calling out...
...This is Davina, I'm coming to get you! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *orphinCouple
over a year ago
wirral |
I said to my wife the other day "You haven't got a bra on, have you". She said " How can you tell, is it because my nipples are sticking out?" I said "No, it is because all the wrinkles in your face have disappeared". |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *orphinCouple
over a year ago
wirral |
I got a bird back to my place last night.
The next morning she woke me up, holding up a picture.
"Is this your wife?" she frowned.
"Yes, it is," I replied. "She passed away."
"How sad," she sighed. "How did your sons take it?"
"I haven't told them yet," I replied. "They stayed at their Gran's last night." |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *lassic1Man
over a year ago
bellshill |
Guy tells his mates in pub ...Wow what a weekend I have had. I met this girl down by the railway on Friday night and took her home with me. I spent the whole weekend shagging.
His mate asks was she nice looking? Dunno he say I have'nt found the head.  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *rummpsMan
over a year ago
thanet |
My son just told me he's gay. I called his brother down and asked him if he knew. He said "yeah course I do, I'm gay too"
I said, "Fuck me, does nobody in this house like pussy? And my daughter pipes up, "I do!"
_rummps x |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
» Add a new message to this topic
