FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > Submissive safety checklist
Submissive safety checklist
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"I sometimes get messages from guys claiming to be doms telling me what they are going to do to me as an opening message. My reply to them is that if they've decided what they are going to do to me without speaking to me, knowing what I'm into, and without knowing my boundaries then they don't really understand what dominance/submissiveness is actually about " Or the reverse. I get probably a couple of messages a week from a so called submissive saying please dominate me, you can do whatever you want with me. I don’t think these are real potential subs, just someone wanting a thrill and again don’t really understand what dominance/submissiveness is actually about. If you want to be dominated but don’t know what, talk to a Dom/me, they will help you find the feeling you want to experience. They can also point you in the direction for learning more in whatever area that might be. If a Dom/me says yes to a generic ‘dom me’ request, don’t!! | |||
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"As a sub it’s always worth speaking to a potential Doms previous play partners to find out if the Dom is safe and adheres to safewords and boundaries. Any good Dom will be able to tell you who to talk to, or talk to other subs on your local scene to get references. I believe this works the other way round too for Doms and Dommes. " Our postings crossed but you’re right. If the Dom won’t tell you who talk to, it could be a warning sign | |||
"As a sub it’s always worth speaking to a potential Doms previous play partners to find out if the Dom is safe and adheres to safewords and boundaries. Any good Dom will be able to tell you who to talk to, or talk to other subs on your local scene to get references. I believe this works the other way round too for Doms and Dommes. Our postings crossed but you’re right. If the Dom won’t tell you who talk to, it could be a warning sign " I would definitely view it as a warning sign | |||
"I’ll start. If a ‘Dom’ has no verifications as a Dom ask questions about his views. If the answer includes things like safewords and crap like that are not needed, run a mile!! No self respecting Dom/me would ever say this (in my opinion, others may vary). " This self respecting dominant doesn't generally use safewords (except for heavy edgeplay and only when we've been playing some time). Do you know why? Because I don't have to fuck about with making people remember words. I simply use the terms "yes" and "no". I ask questions. I expect my subs to converse with me coherently. If they cannot do that part of the job then we are not compatible. And "no" is a much easier word to remember than some random word completely unconnected with everyday language. | |||
"I’ll start. If a ‘Dom’ has no verifications as a Dom ask questions about his views. If the answer includes things like safewords and crap like that are not needed, run a mile!! No self respecting Dom/me would ever say this (in my opinion, others may vary). This self respecting dominant doesn't generally use safewords (except for heavy edgeplay and only when we've been playing some time). Do you know why? Because I don't have to fuck about with making people remember words. I simply use the terms "yes" and "no". I ask questions. I expect my subs to converse with me coherently. If they cannot do that part of the job then we are not compatible. And "no" is a much easier word to remember than some random word completely unconnected with everyday language." I’ve never found the traffic light system hard to remember and every Dom I’ve played with has always used it. Everyone knows what it means. That said when I play with my husband who knows me well we don’t use safe words | |||
"I’ll start. If a ‘Dom’ has no verifications as a Dom ask questions about his views. If the answer includes things like safewords and crap like that are not needed, run a mile!! No self respecting Dom/me would ever say this (in my opinion, others may vary). This self respecting dominant doesn't generally use safewords (except for heavy edgeplay and only when we've been playing some time). Do you know why? Because I don't have to fuck about with making people remember words. I simply use the terms "yes" and "no". I ask questions. I expect my subs to converse with me coherently. If they cannot do that part of the job then we are not compatible. And "no" is a much easier word to remember than some random word completely unconnected with everyday language." Some people use safe words, so they can say no and beg to stop, as part of the role play. | |||
"I’ll start. If a ‘Dom’ has no verifications as a Dom ask questions about his views. If the answer includes things like safewords and crap like that are not needed, run a mile!! No self respecting Dom/me would ever say this (in my opinion, others may vary). This self respecting dominant doesn't generally use safewords (except for heavy edgeplay and only when we've been playing some time). Do you know why? Because I don't have to fuck about with making people remember words. I simply use the terms "yes" and "no". I ask questions. I expect my subs to converse with me coherently. If they cannot do that part of the job then we are not compatible. And "no" is a much easier word to remember than some random word completely unconnected with everyday language." For some in play no isn’t no and stop isn’t stop hence the clear and unambiguous safewords. But if you negotiate what semantics mean to you and the sub is clear then fair play to you. The comment ‘safewords and crap like that are not needed’ was used early on in a conversation. Had he communicated in the way you have I would have continued the conversation to explore further but it’s still unlikely I’d play with someone unknown without safewords. But more than that had no veris as a dom yet wanted me to go to round and be put in chains without asking me what I was looking for, only what he does to subs, so I see the comment on safewords as a wider warning sign. | |||
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"I’ll start. If a ‘Dom’ has no verifications as a Dom ask questions about his views. If the answer includes things like safewords and crap like that are not needed, run a mile!! No self respecting Dom/me would ever say this (in my opinion, others may vary). This self respecting dominant doesn't generally use safewords (except for heavy edgeplay and only when we've been playing some time). Do you know why? Because I don't have to fuck about with making people remember words. I simply use the terms "yes" and "no". I ask questions. I expect my subs to converse with me coherently. If they cannot do that part of the job then we are not compatible. And "no" is a much easier word to remember than some random word completely unconnected with everyday language." I agree with this, I find it much easier to use 'no' than the traffic light system. I want to concentrate on enjoying myself, not remembering which colours mean what and in the moment I always naturally say no when I don't like something even when I've been asked to use the traffic light system so it just doesn't work for me! | |||
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"I was talking to a guy he seemed very knowledgeable however two things put me off him. 1) the reluctance to answer a question I asked him he’d flip’it Or ask something else. 2) first day of talking wanting me to send loads of pics to him when I explained why I don’t do that he seemed ok at first and then few days later asking again and said if you’re reluctant to even do that I can’t see how you’ll be very kinky! To me no respect for my boundaries " Totally agree with you, your not here to supply some guy you’ve never met with wank fodder | |||
"I sometimes get messages from guys claiming to be doms telling me what they are going to do to me as an opening message. My reply to them is that if they've decided what they are going to do to me without speaking to me, knowing what I'm into, and without knowing my boundaries then they don't really understand what dominance/submissiveness is actually about "  | |||
"I sometimes get messages from guys claiming to be doms telling me what they are going to do to me as an opening message. My reply to them is that if they've decided what they are going to do to me without speaking to me, knowing what I'm into, and without knowing my boundaries then they don't really understand what dominance/submissiveness is actually about " . | |||
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"Bullish men aren't Dom, they just think they are. A dominant should have a high degree of emotional intelligence. If you don't feel heard, it's not a good idea to put your wellbeing in their hands. "
Applies to females too  | |||
"If they’ve read 50 shades of shit and decided they’re a dom run a mile " 50 shades thats a comedy .nothing like real bdsm at all | |||
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"A real Dom/me should know who holds the real power. The sub always has the power to say no and to use safe words to stop play at any time. Submission is a gift to a dominant. It's about communication and pushing boundaries and exploration together. Allowing your dominant to lead you. By reacting to your body language. You words. This takes time. And trust. I'd definitely reccomend talking to previous Submissives. But bdsm scenarious and relationships dynamics are different for everyone. Even a dominant and several different submissives. It's about what you want from it. And where you want to take it. " this last bit is so true as I struggle to Domme my FB because hes not into pain or humiliation stuff but wants me to push him so I don’t really feel comfortable. If another guy enjoyed the pain and got off on that I know I could deliver it. I think as well we didn’t start of in an D/s real and it’s evolved so it’s harder I think. If we had have started this way I would have learnt more about this side of him during the times we’ve had together | |||
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"Interesting thread bookmarking for later viewing but would agree that no two D/s relationships are alike - each has it's own dynamics and ways of doing things none of which are necessarily right or wrong, so long as ALL participants are informed, consenting and in agreement as to the dynamics of that specific relationship. Anyone however that uses phrases such as "You can't be a true sub (or Dom/me) because..." is best avoided "Yeah totally agree Gemini | |||
"I insist on honest, open communication - leave the ego at the door and communicate. It is the only way that you can start to build the trust you need for D/s play. If a Dominant does not understand what the submissive needs/wants/desires then they will never deliver, if they do not understand the boundaries and limits then they are dangerous and likely turn consensual play into abuse. Safewords are a must ... even if you agree that No is your safeword. If you don’t the the submissive as at risk and so is the Dominant. Consent is critical and without an agreed safe word that withdraws consent, the Dominant runs the risk of going too far and potentialy being charged with sexual assault. We do this because we enjoy it, if it stops being fun then stop. Submissive can push themselves too far, do something they don’t really want to just to please thier Dominant - the same with Dominants doing something they are not happy with. My personal rules for play: 1) honest open communication 2) safety 3) fun If I do not have all of these then I walk away. " Sometimes the dominant doesn’t seem willing to have patience build trust and really try to understand | |||
"Sometimes the dominant doesn’t seem willing to have patience build trust and really try to understand" Then I would suggest that submissives see that as a red flag. It is the same with submissives who do not have the patience to build that level of trust - that for me is a red flag. | |||
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"Sometimes the dominant doesn’t seem willing to have patience build trust and really try to understand Then I would suggest that submissives see that as a red flag. It is the same with submissives who do not have the patience to build that level of trust - that for me is a red flag." you’re a breath of fresh air | |||
"Wouldn't trust anyone dom on here .reading profiles most talk shite . "Agreed. The vast majority of ‘Dom’s on here seem to be single men that just want to use the title as a means to have rough sex and leave. No understanding of the connection involved, the deep trust, the dynamic... the subtle nuances involved in bringing each partner to new heights. It’s just ‘suck my cock, I’ll fuck u hard and spunk on ur face’ | |||
"Wouldn't trust anyone dom on here .reading profiles most talk shite .
Agreed. The vast majority of ‘Dom’s on here seem to be single men that just want to use the title as a means to have rough sex and leave.
No understanding of the connection involved, the deep trust, the dynamic... the subtle nuances involved in bringing each partner to new heights.
It’s just ‘suck my cock, I’ll fuck u hard and spunk on ur face’"Ha yes they do It’s bloody hard being a D i underestimated the responsibility involved | |||
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"Wouldn't trust anyone dom on here .reading profiles most talk shite .
Agreed. The vast majority of ‘Dom’s on here seem to be single men that just want to use the title as a means to have rough sex and leave.
No understanding of the connection involved, the deep trust, the dynamic... the subtle nuances involved in bringing each partner to new heights.
It’s just ‘suck my cock, I’ll fuck u hard and spunk on ur face’" | |||
"An interesting thread. The sub dom relationship should be based on trust, respect and care. Submission as has been stated is a gift like no other and should be taken as so and cherished. " Can't obtain trust if dom is swinging  | |||
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"I sometimes get messages from guys claiming to be doms telling me what they are going to do to me as an opening message. My reply to them is that if they've decided what they are going to do to me without speaking to me, knowing what I'm into, and without knowing my boundaries then they don't really understand what dominance/submissiveness is actually about " Very wise words. | |||
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"Bullish men aren't Dom, they just think they are. A dominant should have a high degree of emotional intelligence. If you don't feel heard, it's not a good idea to put your wellbeing in their hands. " This is perfectly put. Emotional sensitivity is an essential in D/S scenarios. | |||
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"I have a question as a relatively new sub. What makes a good sub?" Being completelyhonest and communicating with your Dom. Yes they want your submission but they don’t want to over step the mark or hurt you or ruin the relationship. Other more experienced people will probably have other thoughts | |||
"Can't obtain trust if dom is swinging "Not sure I agree, we met through swinging and when we first started getting to know each other we were both still swinging. Once we decided we were right for each other we removed ourselves from swinging and started a “normal” relationship first, the submission came later but it was something we both knew we wanted and we talked about a lot before I decided to offer my submission. It’s all relative, as has been said each d/s relationship (like each “normal” relationship) is individual. It is hard to find a real dom but there are some out there, from my experience and hubbys previous single profile they tend not to be “shouting” about being dom. Mrs c xx | |||
"Can't obtain trust if dom is swinging
Not sure I agree, we met through swinging and when we first started getting to know each other we were both still swinging.
Once we decided we were right for each other we removed ourselves from swinging and started a “normal” relationship first, the submission came later but it was something we both knew we wanted and we talked about a lot before I decided to offer my submission.
It’s all relative, as has been said each d/s relationship (like each “normal” relationship) is individual. It is hard to find a real dom but there are some out there, from my experience and hubbys previous single profile they tend not to be “shouting” about being dom.
Mrs c xx "Yes genuine nice guys maybe not shouting it out .I'm glad you found your match .It's nice too here about people finding love and relationship on here . | |||
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"Always be wary of any dominant who refuses to learn, isolates you and emotionally manipulates you. " These types aren't Dominant, they are domineering and should be avoided. | |||
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"Can't obtain trust if dom is swinging
Not sure I agree, we met through swinging and when we first started getting to know each other we were both still swinging.
Once we decided we were right for each other we removed ourselves from swinging and started a “normal” relationship first, the submission came later but it was something we both knew we wanted and we talked about a lot before I decided to offer my submission.
It’s all relative, as has been said each d/s relationship (like each “normal” relationship) is individual. It is hard to find a real dom but there are some out there, from my experience and hubbys previous single profile they tend not to be “shouting” about being dom.
Mrs c xx "Genuine Dom/me's don't shout about it because they don't need to and they dont give a shit what others think. Yours was wearing a sign above his head which is why you met lol
To add swinging takes huge amounts of trust and honesty. Maybe not to the degree of D/s but it's still there. To say a genuine Dominant won't be found swinging is just flat out wrong. They're rare on here sure, thing is and here's the clincher 'they're rare everywhere'. | |||
"Sometimes the dominant doesn’t seem willing to have patience build trust and really try to understand Then I would suggest that submissives see that as a red flag. It is the same with submissives who do not have the patience to build that level of trust - that for me is a red flag." to both | |||
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"There seems to be this idea that Dominants can’t be swingers as well as Dominants or that it is very rare at least. What are people’s thoughts on this? " I do thinks it's rare. But nothing to do with D/s and swinging mixing it is only rare in my opinion because genuine Dominants are rare. | |||
"@Loubylover I have an article I've written for another site on spotting a fake Dominant would you like me to post it? It's quite long." Yes please I’m sure it’d be of interest to many thanks | |||
"I have a question as a relatively new sub. What makes a good sub?" The only person qualified to answer this is the Dominant you submit too, also the only person whose opinion that matters is the person you submit too. As long as you are a good submissive for your Dominant and your Dominant is a good Dominant for you - then that is all that really matters. | |||
"There seems to be this idea that Dominants can’t be swingers as well as Dominants or that it is very rare at least. What are people’s thoughts on this? I do thinks it's rare. But nothing to do with D/s and swinging mixing it is only rare in my opinion because genuine Dominants are rare." My ex Dom and I met as swingers. You get swingers, you get fet people then in the middle there is some crossover. Given the choice and if I could only have one it would be D/s. For me nothing compares to it | |||
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"There seems to be this idea that Dominants can’t be swingers as well as Dominants or that it is very rare at least. What are people’s thoughts on this? I do thinks it's rare. But nothing to do with D/s and swinging mixing it is only rare in my opinion because genuine Dominants are rare." I agree, they are rarer than hens teeth but once in a blue moon they appear, even on a swinger's site. | |||
"A real Dom/me should know who holds the real power. The sub always has the power to say no and to use safe words to stop play at any time. " A real Dom/me would stop if a safeword was used. WITHOUT FAIL. WITHOUT ARGUMENT. WITHOUT BLAME. Someone who doesn’t crosses over to abuse and non consent. | |||
" A fake Dominant will often seek to isolate a submissive having them believe that their way is the only way. Particularly from informed people within the scene and especially from other Dominants who maybe genuine and able to provide the real deal. Usually under the guise of 'their protection' but more often than not it is empowered by their own insecurities, it is used to have stronger control over a sub as there is no interference or influence from others. You should never be restricted from seeking informed opinion from other sources or people. A genuine Dominant is always open to discussion, they may not agree and they may wish to handle their relationship in a different way but they should always listen to their submissives views. A genuine Dominant doesn't lie, lying betrays weakness. A genuine Dominant does not ever want to appear weak. Vulnerable with their submissive at times sure, but never weak. A fake Dominant will lie. That betrays weakness and reveals the fact that they are not in fact a Dominant but they may well be Domineering As always if anyone has any more to add please feel free. Any personal experiences would be great too. I hope this helps guide others and can be used to good effect." This has all been really good reading. Also, as already mentioned earlier, anyone who lacks the ability to show empathy and not have the sub's best interests at heart could, potentially, be a narcissist. Another red flag to observe. | |||
"A real Dom/me would stop if a safeword was used. WITHOUT FAIL. WITHOUT ARGUMENT. WITHOUT BLAME. Someone who doesn’t crosses over to abuse and non consent. "
Safe words are sacred and everything stops at the safe word. I cannot echo enough “WITHOUT FAIL. WITHOUT ARGUMENT. WITHOUT BLAME”
No genuine Dominant ever wants to push their submissive passed their limits and hurt them - physically, emotionally or mentally.
A submissive has to trust a Dominant to respect the safeword and the Dominant has to trust the submissive to use the safeword if they need to. | |||
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" A fake Dominant will often seek to isolate a submissive having them believe that their way is the only way. Particularly from informed people within the scene and especially from other Dominants who maybe genuine and able to provide the real deal. Usually under the guise of 'their protection' but more often than not it is empowered by their own insecurities, it is used to have stronger control over a sub as there is no interference or influence from others. You should never be restricted from seeking informed opinion from other sources or people. A genuine Dominant is always open to discussion, they may not agree and they may wish to handle their relationship in a different way but they should always listen to their submissives views. A genuine Dominant doesn't lie, lying betrays weakness. A genuine Dominant does not ever want to appear weak. Vulnerable with their submissive at times sure, but never weak. A fake Dominant will lie. That betrays weakness and reveals the fact that they are not in fact a Dominant but they may well be Domineering As always if anyone has any more to add please feel free. Any personal experiences would be great too. I hope this helps guide others and can be used to good effect." A very interesting read, thank you for posting. It’s reassured me that my instincts have been right. Not rushing into play with my sub when I don’t fully understand what he wants or if I don’t think I can give it appropriately at present. It’s reassuring that I’ve walked away from red flags from some fakes who have contacted me | |||
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"I hate to use the word fake in a blanket manner if I’m honest. There are dominants who good and bad eg respect safewords, then there are experienced and inexperienced eg know their craft/developing, then I guess there’s the mistaken lot who think being a dominant is taking/rough fucking. Hmmm need to think about this one some more but there’s something about ‘fake’ that doesn’t sit right with me. Does anyone else feel that too? " I agree as being Dominant can be construed as many things by people. After all, we all have different takes on labels. What suits one may not suit another. | |||
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"Everyone has to start somewhere and I’ve had some bad experiences myself, personally I don’t like manipulative people and liars. Submission is built on trust and respect, I have safe words which I have used and I’m not ashamed to admit to that. I’d expect the dom/me that I’m submitting to listen to me and respect my decisions. I have previously had someone contact me regarding submitting to them however that person felt unable to stay out of some other business of mine even when told by myself to. Obviously I felt that if that person was not able to listen to my words now then how could I possibly trust that person to listen to me if I used my safe word. " Very wise words | |||
"I have a question as a relatively new sub. What makes a good sub?" I had a ponder about this... So for me it’s an openness to another person and with them to explore yourself. They help you to navigate that exploration. This is D/s relationship versus as hoc sceneing. To have clarity to communicate, to be open to listening, to share and be honest. To make your dom happy (because you enjoy that). To care about them and to adore them. To allow them to look after you, to open you up. To let them in fully. To trust them. To say when you’re scared and be willing to hold their hand when they help you with that. I so fucking miss this
Sceneing - to be clear what you need, communicate boundaries limits safewords, to check there’s a match on what the scene is, to trust (within the limit of something ad hoc). So much prefer a long term relationship but as hoc sceneing meets specific needs in the short term. | |||
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"I have a actually started dating someone a while ago 'yes she knows i have this profile' but i actually come in now fir the forums and chats. Anyway.. she is a sub and i have known from the start and i have asked her countless times to teach me to be what she needs me to be as a dom.. i have a very good friend who is a dom so im going to ask him more about it.. but here is my concern.. as her being a "sub" and in these "circles" sometimes a sub will give the details like the number of someone she knows is also a "sub" to someone she knows is a dom. I asked do you ask the other sub is it ok to do this without asking her 1st?? She said "YES".. that type of thing is accepted in these circles.. now my real question is... is that true or bullshit? For the record im really liking what im reading and trying to learn more so if anyone has any pointers for a beginner please feel free to let me know. Thanks.. " Well I don’t know about the lifestyle stuff and circles but I choose who I sub or Domme to. I can be extremely submissive but I can also be fierce it depends on the situation. I will never fully submit to someone because they say their a D. I’m really sorry but those that do are risking being taken advantage of (just my opinion!) | |||
"I have a actually started dating someone a while ago 'yes she knows i have this profile' but i actually come in now fir the forums and chats. Anyway.. she is a sub and i have known from the start and i have asked her countless times to teach me to be what she needs me to be as a dom.. i have a very good friend who is a dom so im going to ask him more about it.. but here is my concern.. as her being a "sub" and in these "circles" sometimes a sub will give the details like the number of someone she knows is also a "sub" to someone she knows is a dom. I asked do you ask the other sub is it ok to do this without asking her 1st?? She said "YES".. that type of thing is accepted in these circles.. now my real question is... is that true or bullshit? For the record im really liking what im reading and trying to learn more so if anyone has any pointers for a beginner please feel free to let me know. Thanks.. Well I don’t know about the lifestyle stuff and circles but I choose who I sub or Domme to. I can be extremely submissive but I can also be fierce it depends on the situation. I will never fully submit to someone because they say their a D. I’m really sorry but those that do are risking being taken advantage of (just my opinion!)" Absolutley nothing for you to be sorry about ... as i said i just started dipping my toes as i only found someone who i can be like that with seen as i was married and this is 1st relationship since divorce over 2 yrs ago. So im just learning now. | |||
" ...as her being a "sub" and in these "circles" sometimes a sub will give the details like the number of someone she knows is also a "sub" to someone she knows is a dom. I asked do you ask the other sub is it ok to do this without asking her 1st?? She said "YES".. that type of thing is accepted in these circles.. now my real question is... is that true or bullshit? " It happens, but I have only know it happen when the person introducing knows both parties very well and thinks they will get on! It is just the same as saying “fancy coming over and meeting a friend of mine, I think you’ll get on”. As with any D/s relationship or even just a scene, there is a lot of communication and interviewing that goes on before anything happens. | |||
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"I have a question as a relatively new sub. What makes a good sub? I had a ponder about this... So for me it’s an openness to another person and with them to explore yourself. They help you to navigate that exploration. This is D/s relationship versus as hoc sceneing. To have clarity to communicate, to be open to listening, to share and be honest. To make your dom happy (because you enjoy that). To care about them and to adore them. To allow them to look after you, to open you up. To let them in fully. To trust them. To say when you’re scared and be willing to hold their hand when they help you with that. I so fucking miss this
Sceneing - to be clear what you need, communicate boundaries limits safewords, to check there’s a match on what the scene is, to trust (within the limit of something ad hoc). So much prefer a long term relationship but as hoc sceneing meets specific needs in the short term. "Perhaps I’m not such a bad sub afterall then. Thank you | |||
" ...as her being a "sub" and in these "circles" sometimes a sub will give the details like the number of someone she knows is also a "sub" to someone she knows is a dom. I asked do you ask the other sub is it ok to do this without asking her 1st?? She said "YES".. that type of thing is accepted in these circles.. now my real question is... is that true or bullshit? It happens, but I have only know it happen when the person introducing knows both parties very well and thinks they will get on! It is just the same as saying “fancy coming over and meeting a friend of mine, I think you’ll get on”. As with any D/s relationship or even just a scene, there is a lot of communication and interviewing that goes on before anything happens. " She actually gave the number of a girl she knows to be a "sub" to a guy she been texting but never met claiming to be a "dom" without asking the girl 1st..now as i stated im completely green behind the ears in relation to this.. but that right there i would have classed as a big no-no.. | |||
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"I just received a first message from a guy claiming to be an experienced dom staying that he would like to train me, giving me strict rules to live my entire life by and in return I might get the privilege of dropping my entire life to move in with him, becoming his live in sub completely under his control. Does he actually think anyone is going to say yes to that as a first message from a stranger?! I nearly just sent him a link to this forum thread as a reply!" You should have done! | |||
" ... She actually gave the number of a girl she knows to be a "sub" to a guy she been texting but never met claiming to be a "dom" without asking the girl 1st..now as i stated im completely green behind the ears in relation to this.. but that right there i would have classed as a big no-no.. " BIG NO-NO! In anyone’s book that is not on regardless of D/s, Swinging or anything else!!! | |||
" ... She actually gave the number of a girl she knows to be a "sub" to a guy she been texting but never met claiming to be a "dom" without asking the girl 1st..now as i stated im completely green behind the ears in relation to this.. but that right there i would have classed as a big no-no.. BIG NO-NO! In anyone’s book that is not on regardless of D/s, Swinging or anything else!!! " Thanks for confirming what i thought to be a bullshit excuse when i mentioned ya cant be doing stuff like that. | |||
"I just received a first message from a guy claiming to be an experienced dom staying that he would like to train me, giving me strict rules to live my entire life by and in return I might get the privilege of dropping my entire life to move in with him, becoming his live in sub completely under his control. Does he actually think anyone is going to say yes to that as a first message from a stranger?! I nearly just sent him a link to this forum thread as a reply!" What? And you weren't profoundly grateful for being picked out to be his 'special one'? Some people are just too picky | |||
"I just received a first message from a guy claiming to be an experienced dom staying that he would like to train me, giving me strict rules to live my entire life by and in return I might get the privilege of dropping my entire life to move in with him, becoming his live in sub completely under his control. Does he actually think anyone is going to say yes to that as a first message from a stranger?! I nearly just sent him a link to this forum thread as a reply! What? And you weren't profoundly grateful for being picked out to be his 'special one'? Some people are just too picky "Yeah #crapsub alert 
(joking, he’s a dick) | |||
"I have a question as a relatively new sub. What makes a good sub? I had a ponder about this... So for me it’s an openness to another person and with them to explore yourself. They help you to navigate that exploration. This is D/s relationship versus as hoc sceneing. To have clarity to communicate, to be open to listening, to share and be honest. To make your dom happy (because you enjoy that). To care about them and to adore them. To allow them to look after you, to open you up. To let them in fully. To trust them. To say when you’re scared and be willing to hold their hand when they help you with that. I so fucking miss this
Sceneing - to be clear what you need, communicate boundaries limits safewords, to check there’s a match on what the scene is, to trust (within the limit of something ad hoc). So much prefer a long term relationship but as hoc sceneing meets specific needs in the short term. "There are so may truths in your writing here. Makes me all warm and fuzzy inside who ever heard of a warm and fuzzy Dom lol | |||
" ...as her being a "sub" and in these "circles" sometimes a sub will give the details like the number of someone she knows is also a "sub" to someone she knows is a dom. I asked do you ask the other sub is it ok to do this without asking her 1st?? She said "YES".. that type of thing is accepted in these circles.. now my real question is... is that true or bullshit? It happens, but I have only know it happen when the person introducing knows both parties very well and thinks they will get on! It is just the same as saying “fancy coming over and meeting a friend of mine, I think you’ll get on”. As with any D/s relationship or even just a scene, there is a lot of communication and interviewing that goes on before anything happens. She actually gave the number of a girl she knows to be a "sub" to a guy she been texting but never met claiming to be a "dom" without asking the girl 1st..now as i stated im completely green behind the ears in relation to this.. but that right there i would have classed as a big no-no.. " A Dom will read, listen take on all the advice and then do what they feel is right and make it clear
Imho she put another sub at risk potentially. Dangerous game to play unless the other girl is an experienced sub that understands all the risks and they have a standing arrangement, which doesn't sound the case.
Sorry | |||
"I just received a first message from a guy claiming to be an experienced dom staying that he would like to train me, giving me strict rules to live my entire life by and in return I might get the privilege of dropping my entire life to move in with him, becoming his live in sub completely under his control. Does he actually think anyone is going to say yes to that as a first message from a stranger?! I nearly just sent him a link to this forum thread as a reply!" He's a proper charmer how could you resist?! Lol | |||
" ...as her being a "sub" and in these "circles" sometimes a sub will give the details like the number of someone she knows is also a "sub" to someone she knows is a dom. I asked do you ask the other sub is it ok to do this without asking her 1st?? She said "YES".. that type of thing is accepted in these circles.. now my real question is... is that true or bullshit? It happens, but I have only know it happen when the person introducing knows both parties very well and thinks they will get on! It is just the same as saying “fancy coming over and meeting a friend of mine, I think you’ll get on”. As with any D/s relationship or even just a scene, there is a lot of communication and interviewing that goes on before anything happens. She actually gave the number of a girl she knows to be a "sub" to a guy she been texting but never met claiming to be a "dom" without asking the girl 1st..now as i stated im completely green behind the ears in relation to this.. but that right there i would have classed as a big no-no.. A Dom will read, listen take on all the advice and then do what they feel is right and make it clear
Imho she put another sub at risk potentially. Dangerous game to play unless the other girl is an experienced sub that understands all the risks and they have a standing arrangement, which doesn't sound the case.
Sorry"No need at all to be sorry.. all the advice i can learn and get is most welcome | |||
"I have a question as a relatively new sub. What makes a good sub? I had a ponder about this... So for me it’s an openness to another person and with them to explore yourself. They help you to navigate that exploration. This is D/s relationship versus as hoc sceneing. To have clarity to communicate, to be open to listening, to share and be honest. To make your dom happy (because you enjoy that). To care about them and to adore them. To allow them to look after you, to open you up. To let them in fully. To trust them. To say when you’re scared and be willing to hold their hand when they help you with that. I so fucking miss this
Sceneing - to be clear what you need, communicate boundaries limits safewords, to check there’s a match on what the scene is, to trust (within the limit of something ad hoc). So much prefer a long term relationship but as hoc sceneing meets specific needs in the short term.
There are so may truths in your writing here. Makes me all warm and fuzzy inside who ever heard of a warm and fuzzy Dom lol"Well it’s my truth. I’m sure some subs have different opinions or ways to express it. But it makes me warm and fuzzy too | |||
" No need at all to be sorry.. all the advice i can learn and get is most welcome" Try to find local fet munches and talk to others dom and sub. You’ll learn and make friends of a similar mind x | |||
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"I have a question as a relatively new sub. What makes a good sub? Being completelyhonest and communicating with your Dom. Yes they want your submission but they don’t want to over step the mark or hurt you or ruin the relationship. Other more experienced people will probably have other thoughts " As a sub you should read The story of O. Long before 50 shades. Do your research, don’t feel bullied and feel comfortable with your Dom/me. The fet scene is complicated and the D/s relationship is varied in the level of submissiveness. It can be control, pain, sensory deprivation, orgasm control, and many other things. It’s a very personal relationship and Dom/mes should know how to look after their subs after play as well as during play. There should be a come down after play involving massage, talking, relaxing. Also there can be sub drop a day or two after play. Sweet things such as chocolate can help. | |||
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" No need at all to be sorry.. all the advice i can learn and get is most welcome Try to find local fet munches and talk to others dom and sub. You’ll learn and make friends of a similar mind x" Thank you | |||
"I sometimes get messages from guys claiming to be doms telling me what they are going to do to me as an opening message. My reply to them is that if they've decided what they are going to do to me without speaking to me, knowing what I'm into, and without knowing my boundaries then they don't really understand what dominance/submissiveness is actually about " ... nice to hear someone who actually knows and not a wannabe .. like many many so called "doms" ... | |||
"Dom/mes should know how to look after their subs after play as well as during play. There should be a come down after play involving massage, talking, relaxing. Also there can be sub drop a day or two after play. Sweet things such as chocolate can help. " Thank you yes, after care is so important | |||
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"Thanks Gemini. This is a question for Dom/mes - how do you know you have consent? And for subs - how do you make sure you have given consent? Is it explicit consent? What do you do if you find yourself doing something that’s not been agreed? This stems from the ‘rope god’ consent violation that some of you have now read up about. Assumed consent isn’t consent. Implied consent isn’t always consent. I always love to refer back to the cup of tea video. I used to know a Dom who got every sub to fill out a questionnaire and sign it so the remit was very clear. I thought that was over the top however I’m now thinking that’s a very wise choice, especially if you scene with lots of different subs and those on the extreme end. " If it's one scene then. A lot of clear discussion and I ask. Then I make sure I don't step outside of the boundaries of consent. If it is a longer term arrangement I do what the Dom you used to know does. I have it in writing. However it is worth noting that in law a lot of bdsm is still abuse. It is a difficult one to protect all involved when the law is written such, so we can only do what we can and many many people just don't do it. | |||
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"I don’t suppose anyone would like to join a chat group about this? " In principal it’s a good idea but I’m practice this never works for me with too many messages coming through that I can’t keep up with and occasionally some taking the liberty of messaging or calling me personally because they have my number as part of the group. I think it may be worth having a numbered thread like bbw et al for general BDSM chat as we can’t have a forum. I’ll start one and reference this thread | |||
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" If at anytime during the scene that I feel that consent is an issue then I will specifically ask for a traffic light signal. This may sound like it interferes with the scene or disrupts the flow but I will not put myself or my submissive in a position where consent may be compromised. " I do this exact same thing. I state before play I may ask for a colour during play if I do I want you to refer to the traffic light system think about how you feel and call a colour. It's worked well for new submissive too. I also ask when I fully expect them to call green to get them used to it. I find it's one of the best ways to stay in touch without disrupting the scene to much. It's just about timing. | |||
"My Dom was very experienced when we met and that was very clear from the start. Other Doms and subs vouched for his authenticity and he gave me their details readily. He had me fill out a very long questionairre that went way beyond the usual and took me hours/days to complete and many hours of online discussion. He slowed me down when I was a kid in a sweet shop wanting to try everything at once. It was over a month after meeting before he finally played with me. I was very lucky that I found him in my very first foray into the scene. I'd had to bat away lots of pretenders before that (online) so it's possible to suss them out even if you're new;);) Wishing everyone the luck I had "Bdsm checklist... I have my own which I have edited to make mine. It's a great part of the journey. We go back to it even now to change things and explore things. It's fun going through it and learning for the sub too I think. Nudges boundaries and makes people think. It's one of the things I suggest subs should be looking for in Dominants that claim experience because it's one of the few ways they have of getting all the information they should want and need as a Dominant. | |||
"My Dom was very experienced when we met and that was very clear from the start. Other Doms and subs vouched for his authenticity and he gave me their details readily. He had me fill out a very long questionairre that went way beyond the usual and took me hours/days to complete and many hours of online discussion. He slowed me down when I was a kid in a sweet shop wanting to try everything at once. It was over a month after meeting before he finally played with me. I was very lucky that I found him in my very first foray into the scene. I'd had to bat away lots of pretenders before that (online) so it's possible to suss them out even if you're new;);) Wishing everyone the luck I had
Bdsm checklist... I have my own which I have edited to make mine. It's a great part of the journey. We go back to it even now to change things and explore things.
It's fun going through it and learning for the sub too I think. Nudges boundaries and makes people think.
It's one of the things I suggest subs should be looking for in Dominants that claim experience because it's one of the few ways they have of getting all the information they should want and need as a Dominant."I agree. It was embarrassing foe me initially, which also gave him lots of information! Now it's hot as Hell to review occasionally and see how many things have switched places;) | |||
"My Dom was very experienced when we met and that was very clear from the start. Other Doms and subs vouched for his authenticity and he gave me their details readily. He had me fill out a very long questionairre that went way beyond the usual and took me hours/days to complete and many hours of online discussion. He slowed me down when I was a kid in a sweet shop wanting to try everything at once. It was over a month after meeting before he finally played with me. I was very lucky that I found him in my very first foray into the scene. I'd had to bat away lots of pretenders before that (online) so it's possible to suss them out even if you're new;);) Wishing everyone the luck I had
Bdsm checklist... I have my own which I have edited to make mine. It's a great part of the journey. We go back to it even now to change things and explore things.
It's fun going through it and learning for the sub too I think. Nudges boundaries and makes people think.
It's one of the things I suggest subs should be looking for in Dominants that claim experience because it's one of the few ways they have of getting all the information they should want and need as a Dominant.
I agree. It was embarrassing foe me initially, which also gave him lots of information!
Now it's hot as Hell to review occasionally and see how many things have switched places;)"I know exactly what y9u are talking about lol. I got questions like 'People really do that?!!' Lol The interesting thing is the things where until you actually really consider something that maybe one would assume you wouldn't do and is it a limit either hard or soft. Only then when being totally honest would my sub look embarrassed and say 'I don't think I want to make that a limit at all' Mmmmm the memories lol | |||
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"A checklist is perfect - it opens up communication and gives you areas to discuss. I revisit mine fairly regularly and it is amazing how my limits have changed in the 15 odd years of doing this. " Definitely. Even for new Dom/mes. When I first started out I got a checklist and made sure I researched everything on it. Then I started adding to it and changing it to fit me. Helped me out no end and for a Dom it's a no brainer. How can you give someone a list to complete unless you know exactly what's on it and what they are signing up to. | |||
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" Definitely. Even for new Dom/mes. When I first started out I got a checklist and made sure I researched everything on it. Then I started adding to it and changing it to fit me. Helped me out no end and for a Dom it's a no brainer. How can you give someone a list to complete unless you know exactly what's on it and what they are signing up to." When I was starting out two Dommes I knew suggest that to understand and appreciate what a sub goes through I should experience it for myself. And it was the best thing I ever did. You are right. How can a Dominant know what a sub is going through unless they get an idea themselves. | |||
"I think the checklists are a great way of focussing the mind, even for someone not currently playing - they make you stop and think for one and the decent ones have such a range of activities listed that you may not have immediately thought of. Would definitely recommend them to both individuals looking to scene together for the first time as well as anyone considering exploring D/s "We have several now. Our own in depth one, one for new female partners to complete for my Dom, and another for me to complwte when i'm playing with other Doms. My limits and likes are very different depending on who I'm subbing to;) | |||
"I think the checklists are a great way of focussing the mind, even for someone not currently playing - they make you stop and think for one and the decent ones have such a range of activities listed that you may not have immediately thought of. Would definitely recommend them to both individuals looking to scene together for the first time as well as anyone considering exploring D/s
We have several now. Our own in depth one, one for new female partners to complete for my Dom, and another for me to complwte when i'm playing with other Doms.
My limits and likes are very different depending on who I'm subbing to;)"That's a great idea. One to fit every occasion | |||
