FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > Has swinging changed your attitude to cheating?
Has swinging changed your attitude to cheating?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Before we swing the spectre of our partner having sex with someone else casts it's shadow across us. We fear it and what it stands for. Then we start swinging and, if we're lucky, we discover that actually it's quite harmless and even enjoyable. Theoretically, this should dispell that spectre, giving us insight into the fact that your partner's having sex with someone else doesn't necessarily mean anything bad about your relationship at all.
It seems this must weaken people's allergy to cheating; that a swinger who's found to be cheating stands a better chance of being forgiven than a non swinger.
Is there then a final step where we say to our partner "you know what. I trust you. You don't need to tell me everything just as long as you don't do anything to jeopardise our relationship". And essentially move to a situation where "cheating" is no longer really cheating as you've decided to allow it and incorporate it into your relationship... the spectre of your partner having sex with someone else is gone and you trust each other enough to be ok with your partner having some secrets just as long as they're not big secrets.
I haven't seen a thread on this before so I thought it might be a curious question to throw out there  |
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By *ilk_TreMan
over a year ago
Wherever the party is! |
"Before we swing the spectre of our partner having sex with someone else casts it's shadow across us. We fear it and what it stands for. Then we start swinging and, if we're lucky, we discover that actually it's quite harmless and even enjoyable. Theoretically, this should dispell that spectre, giving us insight into the fact that your partner's having sex with someone else doesn't necessarily mean anything bad about your relationship at all.
It seems this must weaken people's allergy to cheating; that a swinger who's found to be cheating stands a better chance of being forgiven than a non swinger.
Is there then a final step where we say to our partner "you know what. I trust you. You don't need to tell me everything just as long as you don't do anything to jeopardise our relationship". And essentially move to a situation where "cheating" is no longer really cheating as you've decided to allow it and incorporate it into your relationship... the spectre of your partner having sex with someone else is gone and you trust each other enough to be ok with your partner having some secrets just as long as they're not big secrets.
I haven't seen a thread on this before so I thought it might be a curious question to throw out there "
What's cheating? |
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Apart from the disease risk, I don't think I have ever had a problem with a partner having sex with someone else. When my ex got us swinging, her with other men didn't bother me in the least.
But breaking that golden rule of never taking it further than sex, hurt like hell. Like when she spent more time texting her 'swinging partner' than talking to me, and when they started buggering off on holidays together. Especially to Amsterdam, which had previously been 'our thing.' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Before we swing the spectre of our partner having sex with someone else casts it's shadow across us. We fear it and what it stands for. Then we start swinging and, if we're lucky, we discover that actually it's quite harmless and even enjoyable. Theoretically, this should dispell that spectre, giving us insight into the fact that your partner's having sex with someone else doesn't necessarily mean anything bad about your relationship at all.
It seems this must weaken people's allergy to cheating; that a swinger who's found to be cheating stands a better chance of being forgiven than a non swinger.
Is there then a final step where we say to our partner "you know what. I trust you. You don't need to tell me everything just as long as you don't do anything to jeopardise our relationship". And essentially move to a situation where "cheating" is no longer really cheating as you've decided to allow it and incorporate it into your relationship... the spectre of your partner having sex with someone else is gone and you trust each other enough to be ok with your partner having some secrets just as long as they're not big secrets.
I haven't seen a thread on this before so I thought it might be a curious question to throw out there "
If my wife has sex with someone without my prior knowledge and agreement that is cheating and not acceptable, whether we swing or not is irrelevant it is the deceate that is the issue, the question is why does someone in a swinging relationship feel the need to cheat?? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Before we swing the spectre of our partner having sex with someone else casts it's shadow across us. We fear it and what it stands for. Then we start swinging and, if we're lucky, we discover that actually it's quite harmless and even enjoyable. Theoretically, this should dispell that spectre, giving us insight into the fact that your partner's having sex with someone else doesn't necessarily mean anything bad about your relationship at all.
It seems this must weaken people's allergy to cheating; that a swinger who's found to be cheating stands a better chance of being forgiven than a non swinger.
Is there then a final step where we say to our partner "you know what. I trust you. You don't need to tell me everything just as long as you don't do anything to jeopardise our relationship". And essentially move to a situation where "cheating" is no longer really cheating as you've decided to allow it and incorporate it into your relationship... the spectre of your partner having sex with someone else is gone and you trust each other enough to be ok with your partner having some secrets just as long as they're not big secrets.
I haven't seen a thread on this before so I thought it might be a curious question to throw out there
If my wife has sex with someone without my prior knowledge and agreement that is cheating and not acceptable, whether we swing or not is irrelevant it is the deceate that is the issue, the question is why does someone in a swinging relationship feel the need to cheat??"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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To swing as part of a couple takes a lot of trust. If one half lies about having sex with someone or hides it it's cheating and I'd suggest the trust would be broken which, in my view, would be the beginning of the end for that relationship. Once that trust is broken it will never be the same again |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Surely this is an apple and pears situation....
If in a swinging context you allow you partner to play with someone else under full consent this is a completely different context to someone having a bit of fun without their partners knowledge and consent and therefore is considered cheating.
Based on my understanding, surely cheating is still going to hurt just as much whether you are a swinger or not? It's around the fact that someone has betrayed your trust and gone for extras with someone else. I don't think it's right to assume that where people have an open set up, where things are transparent and agreed that the cheating element doesn't matter so much.
What do I know, I'm a single guy?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I guess I could rephrase the question as... are there any swinging couples who have effectively outlawed cheating in the sexual sense by becoming entirely nonchalant about it? For such a couple real cheating wouldn't really be about secretly having sex with someone else. It would be more about keeping a burgeoning friendship or love secret.
There's such a vocal antagonism to cheating on the forums (perhaps a little cognitive dissonance or a little thou dost protest too much) but then we hear over and over again about how one half of a swinging couple cheated or is looking to cheat. I just wonder if what's going on in these swingers heads is that they've become really blasé about having sex with others and have therefore eroded their own aversion to sexual cheating. Just a thought |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's not about the sex so much as it is about the lying and cheating.
For us having sex with someone else we find attractive is normal now, that much has changed. But to cheat means you are not being honest with each other. Since we started this hobby together we are way more open and honest then ever before. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's not about the sex so much as it is about the lying and cheating.
For us having sex with someone else we find attractive is normal now, that much has changed. But to cheat means you are not being honest with each other. Since we started this hobby together we are way more open and honest then ever before. "
I've just recently give hubby permission to play without me, I say yey or nay to whom it may be, if anything him being honest and open with me is more important than the sex with another....if you are then I need to know whom, where and when!
I feel in control of the situation and get my kick st the same time |
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So does it make me bad being on here without hubby's knowledge? I guess I'm not a swinger in conventional sense but i just adore sex with good looking young men and this in turn keeps my marriage alive! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So does it make me bad being on here without hubby's knowledge? I guess I'm not a swinger in conventional sense but i just adore sex with good looking young men and this in turn keeps my marriage alive!"
Yes it does, But as you are a female some people will forgive you and meet up anyway and would say you aren't a swinger in any sense you are a lying cheat if you need to meet other men for sex behind your husband's back to keep your marriage alive then the marriage is already dead. |
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They way we see swinging it hasn't changed our attitude to cheating at all. If one of us were to cheat on the other it would be just as serious.
Define cheating? We would say it's when one partner does something with someone behind the others back without their knowledge which would be serious at least if not fatal for our relationship.
Think the question would be more better aimed at people in poly relationships which although may have connections to swinging is totally different to couples who like ourselves swing and play together and never meet alone. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If my wife has sex with someone without my prior knowledge and agreement that is cheating and not acceptable, whether we swing or not is irrelevant it is the deceate that is the issue, the question is why does someone in a swinging relationship feel the need to cheat??"
When we had our couples profile on here we also wouldn't think of going behind each others back's to meet others without knowing about it, If someone feel's the need to cheat on a partner then what's the point in being with that person ? and please don't come up with the old "we stay together for the kids/house" etc kids aren't stupid and know when things aren't right in the household and half a house isn't worth staying with someone you no longer love or want to be intimate with. |
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There are so many views on what a Swinger is. I guess different folks might draw the line in a different place when it comes to cheating.
For us, swinging is done together and anything goes unless one of us is uncomfortable with it. At all times.
Anything else, for us, would be cheating and unacceptable.
But hey that's just us... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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""Has swinging changed your attitude to cheating?"
No.
Swinging and cheating are very different things.
Swinging is having sex with others with your partner's consent.
Nita"
What if your partner says it's OK for you to have sex with others separately and not tell them about it? Surely this blurs the lines? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"So does it make me bad being on here without hubby's knowledge? I guess I'm not a swinger in conventional sense but i just adore sex with good looking young men and this in turn keeps my marriage alive!
Yes it does, But as you are a female some people will forgive you and meet up anyway and would say you aren't a swinger in any sense you are a lying cheat if you need to meet other men for sex behind your husband's back to keep your marriage alive then the marriage is already dead. "
See... This just reads like cognitive dissonance or "thou dost protest too much" to me. Surely core to the swinging experience is the realisation that having sex with others is no big deal?
My partner has an ice cream without telling me. They might go to the fairground for a giggle without telling me. Surely a well adjusted swinger sees acts of sexual hedonism in the same way?
Of course I'm playing devil's advocate... but it's a fair point isn't it?  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Having an ice cream or going to the fairground is totally different to fucking someone behind your partners back.
We have been meeting people for well over 26 years and never once would we have even thought about going behind one of our backs and even though we meet people apart we always know who, when and where we both are. |
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"So does it make me bad being on here without hubby's knowledge? I guess I'm not a swinger in conventional sense but i just adore sex with good looking young men and this in turn keeps my marriage alive!
Yes it does, But as you are a female some people will forgive you and meet up anyway and would say you aren't a swinger in any sense you are a lying cheat if you need to meet other men for sex behind your husband's back to keep your marriage alive then the marriage is already dead.
See... This just reads like cognitive dissonance or "thou dost protest too much" to me. Surely core to the swinging experience is the realisation that having sex with others is no big deal?
My partner has an ice cream without telling me. They might go to the fairground for a giggle without telling me. Surely a well adjusted swinger sees acts of sexual hedonism in the same way?
Of course I'm playing devil's advocate... but it's a fair point isn't it? "
That is the point I believe in. I'm sure most males here who say they single but cannot accomodate means they probably married. While I appreciate I am cheating on hubby I am being honest to myself by saying on here I am married and play without his knowledge!! I enjoy sex with others but make love to my hubby! |
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""Has swinging changed your attitude to cheating?"
No.
Swinging and cheating are very different things.
Swinging is having sex with others with your partner's consent.
Nita
What if your partner says it's OK for you to have sex with others separately and not tell them about it? Surely this blurs the lines? "
No... Because they have given consent to do so, it isn't cheating in my opinion.
I'm sure many struggle with the concept of swinging, and people have differemt ideas on what swinging is. Cheating will have just as many differing opinions.
Nita |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"So does it make me bad being on here without hubby's knowledge? I guess I'm not a swinger in conventional sense but i just adore sex with good looking young men and this in turn keeps my marriage alive!
Yes it does, But as you are a female some people will forgive you and meet up anyway and would say you aren't a swinger in any sense you are a lying cheat if you need to meet other men for sex behind your husband's back to keep your marriage alive then the marriage is already dead.
See... This just reads like cognitive dissonance or "thou dost protest too much" to me. Surely core to the swinging experience is the realisation that having sex with others is no big deal?
My partner has an ice cream without telling me. They might go to the fairground for a giggle without telling me. Surely a well adjusted swinger sees acts of sexual hedonism in the same way?
Of course I'm playing devil's advocate... but it's a fair point isn't it?
That is the point I believe in. I'm sure most males here who say they single but cannot accomodate means they probably married. While I appreciate I am cheating on hubby I am being honest to myself by saying on here I am married and play without his knowledge!! I enjoy sex with others but make love to my hubby!"
The trouble is that you haven't brought your partner along with you on this journey. Whilst cheating may be no big deal to you, it's probably going to be a massive deal to him. The question I'm asking in this thread is whether any swinging couples find it desensitises them to it and causes them to become nonchalant about it. That's very different from one partner being nonchalant about it and the other utterly devastated |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Having an ice cream or going to the fairground is totally different to fucking someone behind your partners back.
How is it different? "
Ever heard of anyone getting a divorce over their wife having an ice cream behind their husbands back ? Or a fair ground ride being used as evidence of their wife's infidelity. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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""Has swinging changed your attitude to cheating?"
No.
Swinging and cheating are very different things.
Swinging is having sex with others with your partner's consent.
Nita
What if your partner says it's OK for you to have sex with others separately and not tell them about it? Surely this blurs the lines?
No... Because they have given consent to do so, it isn't cheating in my opinion.
I'm sure many struggle with the concept of swinging, and people have differemt ideas on what swinging is. Cheating will have just as many differing opinions.
Nita"
But you would concede that, to the outside observer, having sex with someone else and not telling your partner about it is the standard definition of cheating. |
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"Before we swing the spectre of our partner having sex with someone else casts it's shadow across us. We fear it and what it stands for. Then we start swinging and, if we're lucky, we discover that actually it's quite harmless and even enjoyable. Theoretically, this should dispell that spectre, giving us insight into the fact that your partner's having sex with someone else doesn't necessarily mean anything bad about your relationship at all.
It seems this must weaken people's allergy to cheating; that a swinger who's found to be cheating stands a better chance of being forgiven than a non swinger.
Is there then a final step where we say to our partner "you know what. I trust you. You don't need to tell me everything just as long as you don't do anything to jeopardise our relationship". And essentially move to a situation where "cheating" is no longer really cheating as you've decided to allow it and incorporate it into your relationship... the spectre of your partner having sex with someone else is gone and you trust each other enough to be ok with your partner having some secrets just as long as they're not big secrets.
I haven't seen a thread on this before so I thought it might be a curious question to throw out there "
If you think swinging encourages or helps to condone cheating - you really don't understand what swinging is |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Having an ice cream or going to the fairground is totally different to fucking someone behind your partners back.
How is it different?
Ever heard of anyone getting a divorce over their wife having an ice cream behind their husbands back ? Or a fair ground ride being used as evidence of their wife's infidelity. "
This isn't the point. I fully understand why vanilla people get divorced over sexual infidelity. But you're a swinger. Why do you see it as more than a fairground ride? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If you think swinging encourages or helps to condone cheating - you really don't understand what swinging is"
Oh don't get me wrong. I know swinging neither encourages or condones cheating. You only need read the forums for a while to realise that. My question is whether it desensitises people to sexual infidelity. I think it must, as one of the central revelations of swinging is that having sex with others is just harmless fun and doesn't necessarily mean anything bad about your relationship. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It certainly dilutes the feelings of hurt and heartache, as long as your quality time together is still quality, and they spend the majority of their free time with you.........yea swinging brings a whole new perception to relationships. |
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"If you think swinging encourages or helps to condone cheating - you really don't understand what swinging is
Oh don't get me wrong. I know swinging neither encourages or condones cheating. You only need read the forums for a while to realise that. My question is whether it desensitises people to sexual infidelity. I think it must, as one of the central revelations of swinging is that having sex with others is just harmless fun and doesn't necessarily mean anything bad about your relationship. "
Nope - you really don't "get it" do you ? |
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"What if your partner says it's OK for you to have sex with others separately and not tell them about it? Surely this blurs the lines?
No... Because they have given consent to do so, it isn't cheating in my opinion.
I'm sure many struggle with the concept of swinging, and people have differemt ideas on what swinging is. Cheating will have just as many differing opinions.
Nita
But you would concede that, to the outside observer, having sex with someone else and not telling your partner about it is the standard definition of cheating. "
Yes. But that doesn't directly relate to the question posed  
Nita |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This isn't the point. I fully understand why vanilla people get divorced over sexual infidelity. But you're a swinger. Why do you see it as more than a fairground ride? "
Ahh so your ok with a vanilla couple getting a divorce over cheating but cant see the connection because the other couple are swingers and should be not quite so sensitive when their partner cheats on them ?  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"In our book cheating is something done behind another's back ,which is totally unacceptable "
This, I think, goes to the crux of what cheating is... and I agree. However, once you've given your partner consent to play in private without telling you it's very difficult to pin down what this cheating would be. For me it would be deliberately hiding emotional infidelity (which could be just messaging someone or meeting them for coffee) rather than sexual infidelity |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If you think swinging encourages or helps to condone cheating - you really don't understand what swinging is
Oh don't get me wrong. I know swinging neither encourages or condones cheating. You only need read the forums for a while to realise that. My question is whether it desensitises people to sexual infidelity. I think it must, as one of the central revelations of swinging is that having sex with others is just harmless fun and doesn't necessarily mean anything bad about your relationship.
Nope - you really don't "get it" do you ? "
Personally I think the whole point of swinging is acknowledging your partner is a free person and allowing them to have the experiences they want whilst they are on this earth. So to some extent I see the logical conclusion of that being trusting them to do that safely either with you or without you. But I am also playing devil's advocate a bit here |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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OP it sounds like you think swinging is fucking around with no respect for your partner's wishes. Like once you're swinging you can fuck whoever you want and if your partner complains well it's not cheating is it, you're swingers.
Swinging couples can still have rules and things they ask from their partner. Cheating can still exist in swinging couples.
Exactly why I wouldn't date anyone off here. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This isn't the point. I fully understand why vanilla people get divorced over sexual infidelity. But you're a swinger. Why do you see it as more than a fairground ride?
Ahh so your ok with a vanilla couple getting a divorce over cheating but cant see the connection because the other couple are swingers and should be not quite so sensitive when their partner cheats on them ? "
for me I would find it much worse if a swinging partner cheated... and would find it harder to move on from it as trust would be a big issue |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" for me I would find it much worse if a swinging partner cheated... and would find it harder to move on from it as trust would be a big issue "
Exactly this, the main thing with 99% of gen swingers is trust with their respective partners.
I wouldn't think about meeting someone behind my wife's back and nor would she in the past we have both had people message us asking if they can meet without the other knowing about it ..... result we block that person from further contact as we don't feel the need to lie about meets. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This isn't the point. I fully understand why vanilla people get divorced over sexual infidelity. But you're a swinger. Why do you see it as more than a fairground ride?
Ahh so your ok with a vanilla couple getting a divorce over cheating but cant see the connection because the other couple are swingers and should be not quite so sensitive when their partner cheats on them ? for me I would find it much worse if a swinging partner cheated... and would find it harder to move on from it as trust would be a big issue "
Same. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"OP it sounds like you think swinging is fucking around with no respect for your partner's wishes. "
I have most definitely not been saying that. I've been asking if swinging has changed people's attitudes to sexual infidelity (otherwise known as cheating). It strikes me that some swinging couples who venture into hotwifing or cuckolding may have moved from a situation where they would previously have got divorced over revelations of sexual infidelity but now actively flirt with it and enjoy it. I was wondering if other swinging couples find themselves somewhere along this arc. But I guess the question is so provocative that few would admit to it... So maybe in that sense I was being a bit naughty by posing it  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"OP it sounds like you think swinging is fucking around with no respect for your partner's wishes.
I have most definitely not been saying that. I've been asking if swinging has changed people's attitudes to sexual infidelity (otherwise known as cheating). It strikes me that some swinging couples who venture into hotwifing or cuckolding may have moved from a situation where they would previously have got divorced over revelations of sexual infidelity but now actively flirt with it and enjoy it. I was wondering if other swinging couples find themselves somewhere along this arc. But I guess the question is so provocative that few would admit to it... So maybe in that sense I was being a bit naughty by posing it "
Why is it provocative? If they agree to fuck anyone anytime with no boundaries there's probably nothing that would constitute cheating in their eyes.
If they still have some boundaries such as no coffee or holidays with other people then there's still scope for cheating. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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11 years ago when we'd been married about a year and together for 2 years my husband was working in Scotland during the week and I was on my own in Sussex with a baby. One evening I couldn't get hold of him on his phone. I was terrified he was with another woman. He was actually out on the piss with the guys, as I discovered when he finally answered his phone. 6 years later after I'd moved to Scotland, his job took him back to London and we were apart again during the week. This time it didn't worry me if he had a bit on the side during the week (he didn't). But why I had had this change of view I don't know. Maybe I was more secure in my marriage. But one thing I had always been aware of were the ridiculously high statistics of cheating in the UK. Almost 50%! So I concluded I had a 50/50 chance of this happening to me (in fact possibly even more because my husband is goodlooking, charming and sexually adventurous). So I didn't mind him having sex with someone else, but I didn't want him to go behind my back. So I decided to resolve this dilemma by given him permission. I concluded if he has my permission he can't cheat and I keep control of the situation. Ironically the only time he's taken me up on that offer was much more recently after we became established as swingers. My advise to anyone worried about their partner having a bit on the side is let them do it as long as they are honest about it and they don't let it affect the marriage or family.
Mrs |
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Jack has permission to meet alone,
I trust him and he always shows me the messages and areangements etc ,if a meet is arranged.
If he met someone without me knowing knowing ,thats different and is cheating .
There wouldnt be any way back from that for me ,as others have said the trust would be gone for good.
Miss |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Open relationships and swinging aren't mutually exclusive, I can separate sex from love and on that basis I quite like the idea of Fred coming home from a night out having pulled and telling me all about it afterwards; in fact when he has come home and told me that someone made a pass at him I've been a little bit gutted that he didn't take the opportunity.
However premeditated cheating and sneaking around my back, meals out and to all intents and purposes dating another woman behind my back I know I'd struggle more to forgive.
Ginger |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"...
My advise to anyone worried about their partner having a bit on the side is let them do it as long as they are honest about it and they don't let it affect the marriage or family.
Mrs"
No fucking way. I expect monogamy. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My advise to anyone worried about their partner having a bit on the side is let them do it as long as they are honest about it and they don't let it affect the marriage or family.
Mrs"
this. Why let it be such a big deal? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My advise to anyone worried about their partner having a bit on the side is let them do it as long as they are honest about it and they don't let it affect the marriage or family.
Mrs
this. Why let it be such a big deal? "
Do you have any respect at all for anyone else or do you really only care about what you want? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" this. Why let it be such a big deal? "
Because it would be a big deal, If I found out my wife had been cheating behind my back swingers or vanilla she would be out of the house and could go and move into the guys house she was fucking !
We may be a swinger's but the rules of our marriage are set in stone and non negotiable ....... No cheating. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My advise to anyone worried about their partner having a bit on the side is let them do it as long as they are honest about it and they don't let it affect the marriage or family.
Mrs
this. Why let it be such a big deal?
Do you have any respect at all for anyone else or do you really only care about what you want?"
You're still misreading my remarks. It's about both members of a swinging couple deciding they're ok with it. It's not about me |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"However premeditated cheating and sneaking around my back, meals out and to all intents and purposes dating another woman behind my back I know I'd struggle more to forgive.
Ginger "
I agree with this. For me "dating" another person and seeing them regularly behind the other's back would still be cheating no matter what and I would be gutted if my partner did that. What I've been talking about is just having sex with a stranger. If given consent to do this without needing to mention it... I can see why some swingers wouldn't see that as a big deal |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Before we swing the spectre of our partner having sex with someone else casts it's shadow across us. We fear it and what it stands for. Then we start swinging and, if we're lucky, we discover that actually it's quite harmless and even enjoyable. Theoretically, this should dispell that spectre, giving us insight into the fact that your partner's having sex with someone else doesn't necessarily mean anything bad about your relationship at all.
It seems this must weaken people's allergy to cheating; that a swinger who's found to be cheating stands a better chance of being forgiven than a non swinger.
Is there then a final step where we say to our partner "you know what. I trust you. You don't need to tell me everything just as long as you don't do anything to jeopardise our relationship". And essentially move to a situation where "cheating" is no longer really cheating as you've decided to allow it and incorporate it into your relationship... the spectre of your partner having sex with someone else is gone and you trust each other enough to be ok with your partner having some secrets just as long as they're not big secrets.
I haven't seen a thread on this before so I thought it might be a curious question to throw out there
If my wife has sex with someone without my prior knowledge and agreement that is cheating and not acceptable, whether we swing or not is irrelevant it is the deceate that is the issue, the question is why does someone in a swinging relationship feel the need to cheat??"
Exactly this fully agree! Sex is one thing secrets and deceat is another. Plus people have affairs for more than just the sex it can be companionship and sometimes emotional contact. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I see that there are 2 issues. One is sex with someone else. The other is cheating. If permission is given then cheating automatically doesn't take place. However then the issue is whether it is acceptable for ones partner to have sex with someone else. If that's not acceptable, then my curiosity is why is it not acceptable? I can partially answer it myself because I remember how I felt in the earlier stage of my marriage and in previous relationships. But at the end of the day, if there is a risk it might happen I'd rather know than not know.
Mrs |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My advise to anyone worried about their partner having a bit on the side is let them do it as long as they are honest about it and they don't let it affect the marriage or family.
Mrs
this. Why let it be such a big deal? "
it would be a huge deal of mr went out and had sex with someone else.. it would devastate me. So it would affect our relationship. As the only people we have 121 with is each other.. sharing isn't the same |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I think this thread has been confusing because it works on two levels. If we define "cheating" as having sex with someone else without telling your partner it certainly seems that swinging *for some couples* reduces how big a deal that is. In this limited sense you could argue that swinging desensitises some couples to what others would call cheating.
In reality, however, all that's really happened is that such couples move the goal posts of what defines "cheating" for them. For example, I don't think there are many (if any) swinging couples who would be nonchalant about their partner having an intense emotional relationship with someone else without mentioning it and possibly even hiding it. This, then, remains a form of cheating that even the most open swingers remain as intolerant of as the vanilla population... and quite rightly so as it is a deep betrayal.
So on the one hand swinging can seem to make couples more nonchalant about what most people would call cheating. But on the other hand it doesn't really... it just changes people's definition of what constitutes cheating |
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"I think this thread has been confusing because it works on two levels. If we define "cheating" as having sex with someone else without telling your partner it certainly seems that swinging *for some couples* reduces how big a deal that is. In this limited sense you could argue that swinging desensitises some couples to what others would call cheating.
In reality, however, all that's really happened is that such couples move the goal posts of what defines "cheating" for them. For example, I don't think there are many (if any) swinging couples who would be nonchalant about their partner having an intense emotional relationship with someone else without mentioning it and possibly even hiding it. This, then, remains a form of cheating that even the most open swingers remain as intolerant of as the vanilla population... and quite rightly so as it is a deep betrayal.
So on the one hand swinging can seem to make couples more nonchalant about what most people would call cheating. But on the other hand it doesn't really... it just changes people's definition of what constitutes cheating "
Exactly. It just separates the infidelity from the betrayal, embracing the former without accepting the latter. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think this thread has been confusing because it works on two levels. If we define "cheating" as having sex with someone else without telling your partner it certainly seems that swinging *for some couples* reduces how big a deal that is. In this limited sense you could argue that swinging desensitises some couples to what others would call cheating.
In reality, however, all that's really happened is that such couples move the goal posts of what defines "cheating" for them. For example, I don't think there are many (if any) swinging couples who would be nonchalant about their partner having an intense emotional relationship with someone else without mentioning it and possibly even hiding it. This, then, remains a form of cheating that even the most open swingers remain as intolerant of as the vanilla population... and quite rightly so as it is a deep betrayal.
So on the one hand swinging can seem to make couples more nonchalant about what most people would call cheating. But on the other hand it doesn't really... it just changes people's definition of what constitutes cheating "
Mmm interesting food for thought. I think all I really care about is that my position as his wife and his love for me are not compromised and that our family come first. An emotional affair might compromise those factors, so that might be a problem to me. But that would be the case whether it's done behind my back or with my knowledge. Obviously worse if done behind my back.
Mrs |
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"Before we swing the spectre of our partner having sex with someone else casts it's shadow across us. We fear it and what it stands for. Then we start swinging and, if we're lucky, we discover that actually it's quite harmless and even enjoyable. Theoretically, this should dispell that spectre, giving us insight into the fact that your partner's having sex with someone else doesn't necessarily mean anything bad about your relationship at all.
It seems this must weaken people's allergy to cheating; that a swinger who's found to be cheating stands a better chance of being forgiven than a non swinger.
Is there then a final step where we say to our partner "you know what. I trust you. You don't need to tell me everything just as long as you don't do anything to jeopardise our relationship". And essentially move to a situation where "cheating" is no longer really cheating as you've decided to allow it and incorporate it into your relationship... the spectre of your partner having sex with someone else is gone and you trust each other enough to be ok with your partner having some secrets just as long as they're not big secrets.
I haven't seen a thread on this before so I thought it might be a curious question to throw out there "
You're not describing cheating as I understand it. To me cheating is doing something that you know would hurt your partner and lying either by omission or in words to conceal it from them. Swinging has not changed my opinion on this. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think this thread has been confusing because it works on two levels. If we define "cheating" as having sex with someone else without telling your partner it certainly seems that swinging *for some couples* reduces how big a deal that is. In this limited sense you could argue that swinging desensitises some couples to what others would call cheating.
In reality, however, all that's really happened is that such couples move the goal posts of what defines "cheating" for them. For example, I don't think there are many (if any) swinging couples who would be nonchalant about their partner having an intense emotional relationship with someone else without mentioning it and possibly even hiding it. This, then, remains a form of cheating that even the most open swingers remain as intolerant of as the vanilla population... and quite rightly so as it is a deep betrayal.
So on the one hand swinging can seem to make couples more nonchalant about what most people would call cheating. But on the other hand it doesn't really... it just changes people's definition of what constitutes cheating "
Sounds fair. Everyone's definition of cheating will be different. It's up to the couple to communicate what that is for them. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you think swinging encourages or helps to condone cheating - you really don't understand what swinging is
Oh don't get me wrong. I know swinging neither encourages or condones cheating. You only need read the forums for a while to realise that. My question is whether it desensitises people to sexual infidelity. I think it must, as one of the central revelations of swinging is that having sex with others is just harmless fun and doesn't necessarily mean anything bad about your relationship. "
i get where you're coming from to an extent. I've always said that i would rather my partner fucked someone than take them out for dinner...there is more of a feeling of shared intimacy that would make me feel unhappy and that someone had received something that is exclusively mine...i would want to know about it afterwards though and i think i would be hurt because this is something we like to do together, thats part of the fun for us... |
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