FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > Unknowingly involved in cheating...
Unknowingly involved in cheating...
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Unfortunately I think you do. it's to easy for people to lie online and with everyone on smart phones it's not difficult to access a page without a partner knowing. The problem is even asking by default if people are happy to lie and cheat on a partner they aren't going to have a problem doing it to someone on here. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't ask but it becomes apparent after speaking to them with all the little things that happen.
I have been in this situation before (not from fab) and it was worse because the girl ended up being a friend and she came to me for relationship advice, at which point my face dropped.
Since then and that feeling I would never be with someone if I knew they were cheating. I have seen what it does and I can't bring myself to do it. |
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Always state in your profile you don't meet married or attatched people ... if u arrange to meet ... remind them again .... and ASK if they have a partner ....
If u play with fire ... one of you will get burned ... and it will probably be you OP ...
Its a no from me
... |
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"
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread "
phew!
" I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?"
That depends on you. Many have a 'don't ask - don't tell' policy, so if you haven't asked, it can't have been that important initially, and technically he never misled to you.
Treat it as a learning experience and move on.
Mr ddc |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I ask upfront before we meet someone. People have been surprisingly honest (I'm aware that people who have said no could have been lying, but the number that have openly said yes has surprised me).
It sucks though because some of the guys I've been most excited to meet have had partners. Oh well.  |
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Why do such a lot of you ladies have problems with attached men?
What is the problem?
If a man decides that he would prefer to have sex with you, rather than his partner, surely you should feel happy about that? Surely it's nice to know you'be attracted him?
What exactly is the problem? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread
phew!
I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?
That depends on you. Many have a 'don't ask - don't tell' policy, so if you haven't asked, it can't have been that important initially, and technically he never misled to you.
Treat it as a learning experience and move on.
Mr ddc"
So you don't think he had a right to tell me? I'll definitely be using this as a learning experience... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why do such a lot of you ladies have problems with attached men?
What is the problem?
If a man decides that he would prefer to have sex with you, rather than his partner, surely you should feel happy about that? Surely it's nice to know you'be attracted him?
What exactly is the problem?"
Clearly not a serious post  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why do such a lot of you ladies have problems with attached men?
What is the problem?
If a man decides that he would prefer to have sex with you, rather than his partner, surely you should feel happy about that? Surely it's nice to know you'be attracted him?
What exactly is the problem?"
I wouldn't want to be cheated on. Thus I wouldn't aid someone in cheating on someone else. |
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"
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread
phew!
I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?
That depends on you. Many have a 'don't ask - don't tell' policy, so if you haven't asked, it can't have been that important initially, and technically he never misled to you.
Treat it as a learning experience and move on.
Mr ddc
So you don't think he had a right to tell me? I'll definitely be using this as a learning experience..."
He did have a right to tell you, but that doesn't mean he was obliged to tell you.
Nobody is obliged to disclose anything.
Xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Why do such a lot of you ladies have problems with attached men?
What is the problem?
If a man decides that he would prefer to have sex with you, rather than his partner, surely you should feel happy about that? Surely it's nice to know you'be attracted him?
What exactly is the problem?
I wouldn't want to be cheated on. Thus I wouldn't aid someone in cheating on someone else. "
Yep, this!  |
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"
Mr ddc
So you don't think he had a right to tell me? I'll definitely be using this as a learning experience..."
He had a right, but not an obligation. You had a right to ask and be given an honest answer, but you chose not to exercise that right.
Accepting the difference is what makes us adults, isn't it? |
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"Why do such a lot of you ladies have problems with attached men?
What is the problem?
If a man decides that he would prefer to have sex with you, rather than his partner, surely you should feel happy about that? Surely it's nice to know you'be attracted him?
What exactly is the problem?
I wouldn't want to be cheated on. Thus I wouldn't aid someone in cheating on someone else. "
Fair play to you. That's understandable. Xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why do such a lot of you ladies have problems with attached men?
What is the problem?
If a man decides that he would prefer to have sex with you, rather than his partner, surely you should feel happy about that? Surely it's nice to know you'be attracted him?
What exactly is the problem?"
maybe he'd rather have sex with his partner but she doesn't want sex and nothing's gonna get solved while you're giving it to him?
maybe your making it easy for a sociopath to get his sadistic kicks coz he likes cheating and how that makes him feel?
maybe all kinds of things. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Some might use the I'm attached thing after they have got what they wanted. Less drama then
Some might, but in this case, I asked him..."
Was hoping to fill he's boots then till you asked  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"
Mr ddc
So you don't think he had a right to tell me? I'll definitely be using this as a learning experience...
He had a right, but not an obligation. You had a right to ask and be given an honest answer, but you chose not to exercise that right.
Accepting the difference is what makes us adults, isn't it? "
In my naivety, I suppose I just didn't think I needed to ask. There's a difference between choosing not to do something and not realising I needed to. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Some might use the I'm attached thing after they have got what they wanted. Less drama then
Some might, but in this case, I asked him..."
a lot of women don't really care either way, and in the same vein a lot of men think most women don't really care.
best thing, i've found, is to presume people are cheating unless they say otherwise. and even then you know people lie. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why do such a lot of you ladies have problems with attached men?
What is the problem?
If a man decides that he would prefer to have sex with you, rather than his partner, surely you should feel happy about that? Surely it's nice to know you'be attracted him?
What exactly is the problem?"
You really don't know??
It's a personal choice for people....but the potential agro can be Immense. Probably lists of (more desperate?) guys would not think twice....but given the ratios on here, women can be more choosy and decide not to.....the OP clearly feels that way and it is her choice. You are lumping everyone into one (your) way of thinking.
OP....you have been misled. Find yourself another, single, Fwb. |
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"Why do such a lot of you ladies have problems with attached men?
What is the problem?
If a man decides that he would prefer to have sex with you, rather than his partner, surely you should feel happy about that? Surely it's nice to know you'be attracted him?
What exactly is the problem?
I wouldn't want to be cheated on. Thus I wouldn't aid someone in cheating on someone else.
Yep, this! "
This is rather problematic though isn't it?
The men who you may be meeting may not share those values, and they do not have to! |
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Mr ddc
So you don't think he had a right to tell me? I'll definitely be using this as a learning experience...
He had a right, but not an obligation. You had a right to ask and be given an honest answer, but you chose not to exercise that right.
Accepting the difference is what makes us adults, isn't it?
In my naivety, I suppose I just didn't think I needed to ask. There's a difference between choosing not to do something and not realising I needed to."
There will always be some ready to take advantage of naivety, but in his defence, especially in clubs, the "don't ask/don't tell" rule more often applies than not.
It would be a good idea to mention it on your profile too. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
Mr ddc
So you don't think he had a right to tell me? I'll definitely be using this as a learning experience...
He had a right, but not an obligation. You had a right to ask and be given an honest answer, but you chose not to exercise that right.
Accepting the difference is what makes us adults, isn't it?
In my naivety, I suppose I just didn't think I needed to ask. There's a difference between choosing not to do something and not realising I needed to.
There will always be some ready to take advantage of naivety, but in his defence, especially in clubs, the "don't ask/don't tell" rule more often applies than not.
It would be a good idea to mention it on your profile too."
Yeah, already on it! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There is actually lots of ways of finding out if someone is attached etc just by speaking and asking questions. Ask for pictures taken live at certain times. Ask to speak on the phone at certain times if that's you're thing. |
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"
This is rather problematic though isn't it?
The men who you may be meeting may not share those values, and they do not have to!"
Tbf though, that's akin to saying "she was a vegetarian, but since I'm not, I fed her a big sausage". One has to respect other people's morals, even when they disagree with yours. The issue hear is that the chap is question was never told. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Asking if I/them are single or attached seems to be one of the opening questions when first chatting with someone. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it. They cheated not you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had a guy I used to see maybe once a week. He told me he was single. We met for a couple of months. Different days and different times. Sometimes when it suited him and other times when it suited me. I genuinely though he was single.
We met up one Saturday evening and I knew nothing till I was wear9mg my drink. Some girl shouting in my face about me fuckomg her guy. I genuinely thought she was nuts. I turned to him and asked what the story was. He told me that she was in fact his wife of 2 months.
I never felt as sick. I wonder have never played with him had I known. Even looking back now there was no signs to say he was seeing someone.
I think guys should be honest and females too. Put me off for a long time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I clearly state if someone is married they must move on.
Not interested in the baggage or drama for numerous reasons
The main one being they will not likely be available when I am
Nor can they be seen in public in the local area
Plus just recently I have been put in the situation of being named by the husband to the wife, didn't know he was married!, and now I have to wonder if she'll be knocking on my door!!
It's not worth the aggro for me personally!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?"
And who said they will tell you the truth just because you ask? Just like your fwb... He lied inwardly by cheating on his gf....I bet he'd have lied in the first place to bed you too......and would you have known? Some are very good and convincing at it.
Sounds a bit harsh but I'd say most on here have lied Iin some way or other on fab or off it.... We lie in our photoshoped pics, our profiles, our meets, fake orgasms? ( that's lying), make out we're more/ better/ nicer than we really are. I could go on.... its just many or most if us will overlook some lies but not others. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?"
It is clearly an important factor to you, so yes, you should ask. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?"
I doubt you'll always get an honest answer. I think the best you can do is always be sceptical until you are absolutely certain. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I had a guy I used to see maybe once a week. He told me he was single. We met for a couple of months. Different days and different times. Sometimes when it suited him and other times when it suited me. I genuinely though he was single.
We met up one Saturday evening and I knew nothing till I was wear9mg my drink. Some girl shouting in my face about me fuckomg her guy. I genuinely thought she was nuts. I turned to him and asked what the story was. He told me that she was in fact his wife of 2 months.
I never felt as sick. I wonder have never played with him had I known. Even looking back now there was no signs to say he was seeing someone.
I think guys should be honest and females too. Put me off for a long time."
Nooooo, that sounds horrendous!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Many can lie about it, it depends how good they are. I reckon most got 2 phones and cleares the internet history often, but yeah it is always a good idea to ask first.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?
And who said they will tell you the truth just because you ask? Just like your fwb... He lied inwardly by cheating on his gf....I bet he'd have lied in the first place to bed you too......and would you have known? Some are very good and convincing at it.
Sounds a bit harsh but I'd say most on here have lied Iin some way or other on fab or off it.... We lie in our photoshoped pics, our profiles, our meets, fake orgasms? ( that's lying), make out we're more/ better/ nicer than we really are. I could go on.... its just many or most if us will overlook some lies but not others."
Lying about having a partner and exaggerating in our profiles is a little different... |
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By *ercuryMan
over a year ago
Grantham |
We all have our reasons for being here. I am always honest about my status, they usually move on without asking the reasons. I don't have a problem with that.
If someone lies about being married/attached, then what else are they being dishonest about? Substitute the question, "do you have a sexual disease" and maybe you can see why honesty is paramount.
I do however, see women/couples, who quite categorically say " no married etc", then boast about going dogging!! |
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"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?"
Errr hello??
You are on a swinging site??
Maybe you need a normal dating site?? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?
Errr hello??
You are on a swinging site??
Maybe you need a normal dating site??"
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I am fairly upfront in that I ask a straight question pretty early on, it's sometimes the first question I ask if the word discrete appears on their profile, they don't accomm, or want to meet daytimes etc.
I respect those who are upfront, I try not to judge anyone not knowing their circumstance - but if someone misleads me I get very, VERY annoyed.  |
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"I dont wish to be cheated on in a relationship however I am the other woman. Personal preferences are everywhere even if they don't always make sense to other people. "
wow what a shitty thing to say if a bloke said that he would be slaughtered.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?
Errr hello??
You are on a swinging site??
Maybe you need a normal dating site??"
So being on a swinging site means we shouldn't care whether someone is in a relationship or not? |
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"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?
Errr hello??
You are on a swinging site??
Maybe you need a normal dating site??"
errr hello your on a swinging site which would imply its supposed to be mostly a shared experience. ....mabye u need a normal affair site  . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Errr hello??
You are on a swinging site??
Maybe you need a normal dating site??"
How does being on a swinging site excuse someone from deceiving someone else in order to get laid? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?
Errr hello??
You are on a swinging site??
Maybe you need a normal dating site??
So being on a swinging site means we shouldn't care whether someone is in a relationship or not? "
will add to that... And meeting someone without their partners knowledge or consent |
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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago
Northampton Somewhere |
It's clearly an important factor to you when choosing a playmate so you should ask the question early on. Whether you get a truthful answer is another thing!
We're all naive to a certain extent, I have been in the past. Let's face it *most* guys on here think with their cocks but there are some who aren't quite so blatant about it, it just takes a while to find them |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?
Errr hello??
You are on a swinging site??
Maybe you need a normal dating site??"
I think you should probably look up the definition of swinging. |
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"I had a guy I used to see maybe once a week. He told me he was single. We met for a couple of months. Different days and different times. Sometimes when it suited him and other times when it suited me. I genuinely though he was single.
We met up one Saturday evening and I knew nothing till I was wear9mg my drink. Some girl shouting in my face about me fuckomg her guy. I genuinely thought she was nuts. I turned to him and asked what the story was. He told me that she was in fact his wife of 2 months.
I never felt as sick. I wonder have never played with him had I known. Even looking back now there was no signs to say he was seeing someone.
I think guys should be honest and females too. Put me off for a long time."
I had a siilar experience with a woman, although it came out on our first meeting which was a social. She said she was divorced and there was never an issue speaking with her at any time, we spoke on the phone a few times. But, when we met for coffee at a busy place in Manchester, an angry guy walked in. Thankfully (for me) he knew I had been duped and said she had done it before and frog marched her out. I was left with quite a few pairs of eyes looking at me as if I was a home wrecker..... my tail was firmly planted between my legs as I left - like you though, there were no sings that she was still married. |
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"There's just as many married ladies as guys . But each to their own were all here for fun . "
yup but guys dont give a fuck and woman keep it hush hush.theres probably woman on this very thread telling guys they should be upfront about it but they themselves are fucking without there husband's knowledge .
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By *wo4FemCouple
over a year ago
Birmingham |
"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?"
From what you have wrote it sounds like you have feelings for your fwb. Does that mean you ae still going to see him? Or are you going to give him the option of breaking up with his gf in order to see you?
I (mr) think if you do see hom their will always be doubts surrounding him as to whether or not he can be trusted. |
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But.
While we're on the subject of giving honest answers to questions OP:
You say that most of the men admitted being married (by which I presume you asked) but you didn't ask this guy, even though you met several times.
Why did you treat this one differently? Was he hotter than the rest, or was it something else that subconsciously stopped you asking just this one?
No shame in being honest. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?
From what you have wrote it sounds like you have feelings for your fwb. Does that mean you ae still going to see him? Or are you going to give him the option of breaking up with his gf in order to see you?
I (mr) think if you do see hom their will always be doubts surrounding him as to whether or not he can be trusted."
It was more just thinking he was a really decent guy, an actual friend. I just feel like I've been misled. Not going to see him again, no. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?
Errr hello??
You are on a swinging site??
Maybe you need a normal dating site??errr hello your on a swinging site which would imply its supposed to be mostly a shared experience. ....mabye u need a normal affair site ."
Hahaha absolutely |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Why do such a lot of you ladies have problems with attached men?
What is the problem?
If a man decides that he would prefer to have sex with you, rather than his partner, surely you should feel happy about that? Surely it's nice to know you'be attracted him?
What exactly is the problem?"
So, I'll answer why it's a problem for me. There are three main reasons.
1. If a man is cheating on his partner, he proberbly doesn't respect her very much. If he doesn't respect the person who he promised to spend the rest of his life being honest with, he proberbly won't respect me very much. I only meet men who I think respect me.
2. I used to be a serial cheat. I decided to come clean with my partner at the time and suggested non-monogamy. He wasn't up for that, so we split, and I basically wrecked my life and rebuilt it from the ground up. I went through an awful lot so that I didn't have to cheat anymore, so I avoid people who won't go through similar.
3. I'm in multiple relationships now. One of our ground rules is that we don't play with those who are being dishonest with their partners. If I break that rule and fuck men who are cheats, then I would expect my partners to dump me. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"But.
While we're on the subject of giving honest answers to questions OP:
You say that most of the men admitted being married (by which I presume you asked) but you didn't ask this guy, even though you met several times.
Why did you treat this one differently? Was he hotter than the rest, or was it something else that subconsciously stopped you asking just this one?
No shame in being honest. "
We had talked quite extensively about just not having time to have a partner. Therefore, I didn't need to ask.
Then, I realised that I didn't hear from him over the weekends and I just thought I'd ask. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Errr hello??
You are on a swinging site??
Maybe you need a normal dating site??"
Perhaps people who are cheating on their partners should use the sites that are specifically set up for people to find affairs? Then the rest of us could get on with honest and open swinging... |
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i have to agree with you here, if you meet the person that has been cheated on by you, when you have no idea it really hits you hard. i think you have the right to expect some honesty, if you dont ask then you can't say you were mislead. each to their own but its not for me either. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I'm surprised this guy has turned into a FWB & you didn't think to ask. By the very definition he's a friend with benefits,friends chat & ask questions.
However, I do think people should make it crystal clear if they're attached before meeting so one can make an informed choice.
It annoys me too when the info isn't volunteered but I've sussed them out. Some seem to take the path of ~ if you don't ask you don't get told. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I'm surprised this guy has turned into a FWB & you didn't think to ask. By the very definition he's a friend with benefits,friends chat & ask questions.
However, I do think people should make it crystal clear if they're attached before meeting so one can make an informed choice.
It annoys me too when the info isn't volunteered but I've sussed them out. Some seem to take the path of ~ if you don't ask you don't get told."
We'd chatted a lot about our home lives, about why we couldn't have partners due to work stuff. There was plenty of chance for him to say.
This is a very good learning curve though! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Errr hello??
You are on a swinging site??
Maybe you need a normal dating site??
Perhaps people who are cheating on their partners should use the sites that are specifically set up for people to find affairs? Then the rest of us could get on with honest and open swinging..."
There's more than one way to be dishonest especially on the web ~ from cheating / age / body type / height..... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"No shame in being honest. "
yet we see it all the time on here. people (men mainly) being shamed for cheating, bareback fuckers same for them, and sometimes fat people being shamed too. |
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"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?
Errr hello??
You are on a swinging site??
Maybe you need a normal dating site??"
So because I am a swinger I should have no morals? I shouldn't care if the person fucking me is potentially hurting someone who loves them by lying to them?
How very vanilla of you. |
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By *ENDAROOSCouple
over a year ago
South West London / Surrey |
"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?"
If it's important to you, yes, you really should be asking that question and early on.
You've also got to accept, that not everyone will be honest in the answer they give, on this and other things.
Treat everything as a learning curve, rather than dwelling on it.
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I think it's really important to ask beforehand, where it's important to you. A profile (where they're read) can also state your position.
As you realise, it doesn't mean that people will be honest and fore-warned for them, can mean fore-armed.
To really help evaluate people, consider them meeting and being in contact at times when attached people aren't so easily available. And look for other signs that may give them away.
I'd not appreciate being lied to, where it was someone that I'd expect repeated meetings with them.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?
From what you have wrote it sounds like you have feelings for your fwb. Does that mean you ae still going to see him? Or are you going to give him the option of breaking up with his gf in order to see you?
I (mr) think if you do see hom their will always be doubts surrounding him as to whether or not he can be trusted.
It was more just thinking he was a really decent guy, an actual friend. I just feel like I've been misled. Not going to see him again, no. "
I sympathise with you and understand where you coming from with your morales to swinging.
But I equally look at it differently that does it matter whether guys or girls are single attached or couples?
Considering this is a swinging or sex site unless you mistake here to a dating site then it doesn't.
The borderline is when fortunately you meet someone here who you really like and want to progress further then the question whether single or attached becomes relevant.
My opinion though |
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"
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread
phew!
I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?
That depends on you. Many have a 'don't ask - don't tell' policy, so if you haven't asked, it can't have been that important initially, and technically he never misled to you.
Treat it as a learning experience and move on.
Mr ddc
So you don't think he had a right to tell me? I'll definitely be using this as a learning experience..."
This is why I utterly hate guys with "any questions. Just ask" Mrs in if you don't ask the write questions they don't have to declare. Sorry you got to like someone. At least youare hunan enough can like soneone.
Empathy
Jx |
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By *parkybunnyCouple
over a year ago
Zurich. NOT London. |
"It's clearly an important factor to you when choosing a playmate so you should ask the question early on. Whether you get a truthful answer is another thing!
We're all naive to a certain extent, I have been in the past. Let's face it *most* guys on here think with their cocks but there are some who aren't quite so blatant about it, it just takes a while to find them "
This
Oh, and body glitter, non single singles seem to run a mile from women in body glitter, no explaining it when they get home! X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?
And who said they will tell you the truth just because you ask? Just like your fwb... He lied inwardly by cheating on his gf....I bet he'd have lied in the first place to bed you too......and would you have known? Some are very good and convincing at it.
Sounds a bit harsh but I'd say most on here have lied Iin some way or other on fab or off it.... We lie in our photoshoped pics, our profiles, our meets, fake orgasms? ( that's lying), make out we're more/ better/ nicer than we really are. I could go on.... its just many or most if us will overlook some lies but not others.
Lying about having a partner and exaggerating in our profiles is a little different..."
Both are lying..... as a previous poster said...It matters to you so ask it....for others it doesn't matter or what matters to them is something different than what matters to others. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?
If it's important to you, yes, you really should be asking that question and early on.
You've also got to accept, that not everyone will be honest in the answer they give, on this and other things.
Treat everything as a learning curve, rather than dwelling on it.
"
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?
From what you have wrote it sounds like you have feelings for your fwb. Does that mean you ae still going to see him? Or are you going to give him the option of breaking up with his gf in order to see you?
I (mr) think if you do see hom their will always be doubts surrounding him as to whether or not he can be trusted.
It was more just thinking he was a really decent guy, an actual friend. I just feel like I've been misled. Not going to see him again, no.
I sympathise with you and understand where you coming from with your morales to swinging.
But I equally look at it differently that does it matter whether guys or girls are single attached or couples?
Considering this is a swinging or sex site unless you mistake here to a dating site then it doesn't.
The borderline is when fortunately you meet someone here who you really like and want to progress further then the question whether single or attached becomes relevant.
My opinion though"
It's more for my own personal values. Even if I'm meeting someone who I don't expect to see again, I'd still like to know they're not cheating on someone.
I think the whole point of swinging is to be non-monogamous as a partnership. Cheating is different. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"It's clearly an important factor to you when choosing a playmate so you should ask the question early on. Whether you get a truthful answer is another thing!
We're all naive to a certain extent, I have been in the past. Let's face it *most* guys on here think with their cocks but there are some who aren't quite so blatant about it, it just takes a while to find them
This
Oh, and body glitter, non single singles seem to run a mile from women in body glitter, no explaining it when they get home! X"
This is a bloody brilliantly idea! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?"
I'm sorry he's not been truthful with you.
It is an unfortunate learning curve.
I do wish some people on this thread didn't feel the need to be so spiteful about your post though.
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What do you guys think goes on on dating sites. Madrigal dancing???
My experiences on the one that rhymes with patch did get a bit legendary. A guy who revealed his real name and that he was bi and taste for a class drugs within three hours of texting. Easy to find him on LinkedIn and work out his security status....lots of ffm desire, two guys offered me the same girl, OK, normal on Fab. Bloody big coincidence on match...the dad who was dating me on Fab and chatting me up Plenty of dirty fish...I rejoined not patch when I joined here...they all wanted to bed on first date,after one of those Nick showed me his wardrobe for when he was Wendy.
I threw the towel in then and concluded there was no difference.
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You can certainly ask, we usually do but you won't always get the absolute truth.
The only thing you can do is satisfy yourself as far as possible that there isn't someone at home completely unaware and then carry on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I think he should cheat its sexy
Why did I defend you yesterday?!"
That's why I don't defend people on here. And I generally don't expect it in return. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
It's nice to know that a lot of the single guys here don't get swinging! another great filter for me pfft  I completely get where you are coming from op. It's not as clear cut as people think. It's selfish on their behalf not to tell you their situation before you meet. Don't beat yourself up about it, it will be a learning curve unfortunately. |
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"No shame in being honest.
yet we see it all the time on here. people (men mainly) being shamed for cheating, bareback fuckers same for them, and sometimes fat people being shamed too."
Possibly, but I meant it in the sense that, from the off, this looked like another case where two swingles, both looking for different things, allowed themselves to end up in the unholy compromise that is FWB simply by keeping shtum, until such point that it no longer became viable to continue. The onus appears to always be on the person not able to defend themselves, whereas I simply wondered whether the OP would be honest enough to admit whether or not she allowed herself to be swept off her feet, while secretly knowing that it was too good to be true, but at the same time blocking that knowledge out.
Sadly the question was missed... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"No shame in being honest.
yet we see it all the time on here. people (men mainly) being shamed for cheating, bareback fuckers same for them, and sometimes fat people being shamed too.
Possibly, but I meant it in the sense that, from the off, this looked like another case where two swingles, both looking for different things, allowed themselves to end up in the unholy compromise that is FWB simply by keeping shtum, until such point that it no longer became viable to continue. The onus appears to always be on the person not able to defend themselves, whereas I simply wondered whether the OP would be honest enough to admit whether or not she allowed herself to be swept off her feet, while secretly knowing that it was too good to be true, but at the same time blocking that knowledge out.
Sadly the question was missed... "
ah ok. i get you now.
yeah i've noticed most of the genuine single guys tend to be single for many reasons. and the attached guys tend to be better lovers, better looking, can see you more regular co they haven't got time to chase anyone else, etc. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Why do such a lot of you ladies have problems with attached men?
What is the problem?
If a man decides that he would prefer to have sex with you, rather than his partner, surely you should feel happy about that? Surely it's nice to know you'be attracted him?
"
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Why do such a lot of you ladies have problems with attached men?
What is the problem?
If a man decides that he would prefer to have sex with you, rather than his partner, surely you should feel happy about that? Surely it's nice to know you'be attracted him?
What exactly is the problem?"
Is this a serious question?
I'd rather he leave his partner then have sex with him, rather than worrying about his partner and how he/she will, no doubt, be emotionally destroyed when she were to find out. I don't want to be a part of someone falling into something like depression because he couldn't be faithful or honest. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Complicated. I would never cheat, never have, but it turns me on to feel cheated on and I certainly wouldn't judge others that cheat.
We're all a confused tangle of emotions....and I'm plain weird |
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"Why do such a lot of you ladies have problems with attached men?
What is the problem?
If a man decides that he would prefer to have sex with you, rather than his partner, surely you should feel happy about that? Surely it's nice to know you'be attracted him?
What exactly is the problem?"
Where to begin...nar can't be bothered. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?
Errr hello??
You are on a swinging site??
Maybe you need a normal dating site??"
Errm hello... She wants a single FWB, and she has that right! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
OP, I'm probably repeating others but just put it down to experience and move on.
We've had experiences that make us cringe but the good times make it worth it.
Possibly make it clear on your profile and when you get in contact with people.
People on here lie. A lot. You just have to work out your own ways of working it out, trust your gut instinct. |
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I won't meet guys who are cheating.
I chatted to a guy loads on here. He knew my feelings about cheaters. He had a couple of veris I think? He was a regular on the forum. We chatted most days for a couple of months!
He arranged to meet me once but cancelled the last second. Then he went away on exercise with no comms. (Army.)
A couple of weeks later I get a "hi" message from him.
Turned out it was his fiancée who called me every name under the sun. She had all our chat to look at and all my naked pics and face pics (lucky I don't send naked face pics in the same photo but still!).
It took a while to calm her down and see that I knew nothing about her.
She really wanted to rip me to shreds though and I was actually sitting shaking reading her messages.
It was a really scary experience and it's precisely why I don't want to get involved with those who cheat!
Weirdly I tend to say to guys "I'm obviously married (hotwife profile) and I ask if they have a wife or significant other or a sheep they are particularly fond of?"
Honestly 80% or more say yes, because they are honest as they think I won't care about marital status when I'm married.
I've pulled several times (snogs) in my local nightclub and all of them later admitted to being attached.
There seems to be many many many more attached guys than single ones (in the age range and of the type I go for) on Fab and it's almost impossible to find a single one.
I did have a single fuck buddy for a while but after a few months he confessed he'd been seeing a girl for a while and it was serious and she didn't know about me - obviously I stopped meeting him at that point.
Swinging is not cheating. Lying and deceiving is not swinging. It's the opposite.
Have an affair if you really, really want to. But find someone who is going into it with their eyes open. You're risking all sorts happening to them if your partner finds out and they go psycho on them. |
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"So, since joining just over a month ago, I've spoken to some really nice people. We've exchanged KiKs, etc and a few of them have then admitted to having girlfriends. I tend to say "no thanks but I appreciate the honesty", at that point.
A guy who has turned into a FWB messaged me today so I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He admits that he does. I actually feel sick and angry.
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread because people do what they do for a while host of reasons. Many we can't understand if we're not involved. However, because I wasn't told beforehand and able to make a decision based on that information, I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?
Errr hello??
You are on a swinging site??
Maybe you need a normal dating site??
So being on a swinging site means we shouldn't care whether someone is in a relationship or not? "
That's pretty sickening if that's the case. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"No shame in being honest.
yet we see it all the time on here. people (men mainly) being shamed for cheating, bareback fuckers same for them, and sometimes fat people being shamed too.
Possibly, but I meant it in the sense that, from the off, this looked like another case where two swingles, both looking for different things, allowed themselves to end up in the unholy compromise that is FWB simply by keeping shtum, until such point that it no longer became viable to continue. The onus appears to always be on the person not able to defend themselves, whereas I simply wondered whether the OP would be honest enough to admit whether or not she allowed herself to be swept off her feet, while secretly knowing that it was too good to be true, but at the same time blocking that knowledge out.
Sadly the question was missed... "
No, I'm pretty sure I answered your question... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Some of these replies! I am another person who *is* bothered by cheating, and so I do ask, I also do a social first, then first play is at their house (well, apart from my latest meet, where we hit it off so well I threw my rule book out the window and invited him over to mine!  ). It's perfectly possible I've played with cheaters in clubs, but I can't see there's much I can do about that really. It's not a nice learning curve though OP, the last guy I vanilla dated before joining the swinging scene turned out to be married, and we'd been dating for 3 months. Not cool |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Complicated. I would never cheat, never have, but it turns me on to feel cheated on and I certainly wouldn't judge others that cheat.
We're all a confused tangle of emotions....and I'm plain weird"
I don't it's that weird. Your profile name is kind of a clue  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"But.
While we're on the subject of giving honest answers to questions OP:
You say that most of the men admitted being married (by which I presume you asked) but you didn't ask this guy, even though you met several times.
Why did you treat this one differently? Was he hotter than the rest, or was it something else that subconsciously stopped you asking just this one?
No shame in being honest.
We had talked quite extensively about just not having time to have a partner. Therefore, I didn't need to ask.
Then, I realised that I didn't hear from him over the weekends and I just thought I'd ask. "
DerbyDalesCpl brought up some very interesting points. Yes everything we choose to disclose about our personal lives to potential play partners is optional. The vast majority of us have to compartmentalise certain aspects of our lives to do what we do. So yes, there is a lot of "Don't Ask - Don't Tell" happening in swinging, some with good reason and good results. And yes, not everyone operates on the same moral grounds!
However, hearing this detail of your conversations, I believe your FWB knowingly deceived you. It is one thing avoiding to mention one is attached unless asked straight-on, another thing entirely *actively* pretending to be unattached. Not only did he not tell you he was in a relationship, he specifically told you he wasn't in one. So give yourself a break about this one, and be more aggressive about checking people's relationship status in the future. |
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I always ask early on chatting and i think there are signs to indicate someone is cheating.
I admire the people on here who are honest about their situation ,as you at least have the choice about getting involved.Its the ones who choose to hide it and drag mislead others ,that are annoying.
Miss |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I simply wondered whether the OP would be honest enough to admit whether or not she allowed herself to be swept off her feet, while secretly knowing that it was too good to be true, but at the same time blocking that knowledge out.
Sadly the question was missed... "
An astute question, too! I think you may have missed her answer. I don't think the OP being slow at clocking his deception can be classified as wishful thinking/secretly knowing but being in denial. |
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"I simply wondered whether the OP would be honest enough to admit whether or not she allowed herself to be swept off her feet, while secretly knowing that it was too good to be true, but at the same time blocking that knowledge out.
Sadly the question was missed...
An astute question, too! I think you may have missed her answer. "
I did.
Sorry OP.
The perils of dipping in and out whilst busy elsewhere. I forgot to ensure there was a 'ddc' somewhere, which is how I normally search for replies
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By *adyDangerWoman
over a year ago
land of debauchery and kink |
"Why do such a lot of you ladies have problems with attached men?
What is the problem?
If a man decides that he would prefer to have sex with you, rather than his partner, surely you should feel happy about that? Surely it's nice to know you'be attracted him?
What exactly is the problem?"
And the face palm post of the day goes to you my friend |
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By *adyDangerWoman
over a year ago
land of debauchery and kink |
OP if you Personally would rather know then I'd ask upfront before a meet. Or maybe pop it in your profile as another poster suggested above.
I personally always ask and then I can make my own descision x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Fab is a site where attached people can organise to have sex with other attached or unattached people. As such, it's best to assume everyone on the site is attached and seek to discern if they have the consent of their partner. Any inability to contact the partner, whether she/he is unavailable or doesn't exist, has a degree of probability that there is no consent. As such, anyone who plays with "singles" just has to accept their taking a greater risk and are more likely to encounter drama than if they play with couples or attached singles where consent can be confirmed. At least that's the theory lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"But.
While we're on the subject of giving honest answers to questions OP:
You say that most of the men admitted being married (by which I presume you asked) but you didn't ask this guy, even though you met several times.
Why did you treat this one differently? Was he hotter than the rest, or was it something else that subconsciously stopped you asking just this one?
No shame in being honest.
We had talked quite extensively about just not having time to have a partner. Therefore, I didn't need to ask.
Then, I realised that I didn't hear from him over the weekends and I just thought I'd ask.
DerbyDalesCpl brought up some very interesting points. Yes everything we choose to disclose about our personal lives to potential play partners is optional. The vast majority of us have to compartmentalise certain aspects of our lives to do what we do. So yes, there is a lot of "Don't Ask - Don't Tell" happening in swinging, some with good reason and good results. And yes, not everyone operates on the same moral grounds!
However, hearing this detail of your conversations, I believe your FWB knowingly deceived you. It is one thing avoiding to mention one is attached unless asked straight-on, another thing entirely *actively* pretending to be unattached. Not only did he not tell you he was in a relationship, he specifically told you he wasn't in one. So give yourself a break about this one, and be more aggressive about checking people's relationship status in the future."
An interesting thread, OP. Thank you for sharing, and hope you are okay. I agree that he was in the wrong given the context you have presented. I am saddened to admit that I concur that you need to ask the question directly if it is an imperative for you, I too would have hoped this wouldn't be the case, but people can and do let us down in their omission of truth. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You do wonder though if a single guy had done the same post if he'd got as much sympathy understanding and advice or would have he been told to grow a pair and man up,just a thought |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You do wonder though if a single guy had done the same post if he'd got as much sympathy understanding and advice or would have he been told to grow a pair and man up,just a thought "
I'd have treated him pretty similar to be honest.
I think it's shitty to talk about why you don't have a partner at home, and then it turns out that you do... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You do wonder though if a single guy had done the same post if he'd got as much sympathy understanding and advice or would have he been told to grow a pair and man up,just a thought "
You must be BORED if you feel the need to stir up trouble the way you do. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You can certainly ask, we usually do but you won't always get the absolute truth.
The only thing you can do is satisfy yourself as far as possible that there isn't someone at home completely unaware and then carry on."
This as has been repeatedly said on here a few times in various ways. Satisfy yourself then proceed and if your wrong don't beat yourself about it. Move on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You do wonder though if a single guy had done the same post if he'd got as much sympathy understanding and advice or would have he been told to grow a pair and man up,just a thought
I'd have treated him pretty similar to be honest.
I think it's shitty to talk about why you don't have a partner at home, and then it turns out that you do..."
Agreed |
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It also happened to me...married man.
You are new here. Put it down to experience and soon enough you will learn the signs and your senses, when you meet them.
If its not your thing, then move on from this guy straight away and find a single one to play with. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You do wonder though if a single guy had done the same post if he'd got as much sympathy understanding and advice or would have he been told to grow a pair and man up,just a thought
I'd have treated him pretty similar to be honest.
I think it's shitty to talk about why you don't have a partner at home, and then it turns out that you do..."
Agreed, I would post similar feelings of sympathy to the OP. Sorry to disappoint those that like to be 'controversial'. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You do wonder though if a single guy had done the same post if he'd got as much sympathy understanding and advice or would have he been told to grow a pair and man up,just a thought
You must be BORED if you feel the need to stir up trouble the way you do. "
Sorry have we said something to upset you if so we'd like to.....Actually tough,observation thats all,no trouble stired except in your head |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You do wonder though if a single guy had done the same post if he'd got as much sympathy understanding and advice or would have he been told to grow a pair and man up,just a thought
You must be BORED if you feel the need to stir up trouble the way you do.
Sorry have we said something to upset you if so we'd like to.....Actually tough,observation thats all,no trouble stired except in your head "
Wow.
What a dreadful noise.
Keep it down.
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Always state in your profile you don't meet married or attatched people
I have this but, as we know, the don't read it."
Yes, I've changed mine now too! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Always state in your profile you don't meet married or attatched people
I have this but, as we know, the don't read it.
Yes, I've changed mine now too! "
I don't have it on mine, I've found people have been more inclined to state it when messaging, whereas when it was on my profile they didn't mention it. |
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By *jxxxxCouple
over a year ago
Leeds |
We've chatted to both guys and girls on the scene who have been open to admit they are there behind their partner's back. We've known others we suspect are but believe they are lying.
If it's important to your decision making (you of course will and should have a preference) then you need to ask. If you are lied to you cannot help that. We ask because it is important to us.
Enjoy the people for who they are, ask lots of questions, make amazing friends and decide the ones that you want to see their naughty bits xxxx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We've chatted to both guys and girls on the scene who have been open to admit they are there behind their partner's back. We've known others we suspect are but believe they are lying.
If it's important to your decision making (you of course will and should have a preference) then you need to ask. If you are lied to you cannot help that. We ask because it is important to us.
Enjoy the people for who they are, ask lots of questions, make amazing friends and decide the ones that you want to see their naughty bits xxxx"
Ahh thanks for that! X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Always state in your profile you don't meet married or attatched people
I have this but, as we know, the don't read it.
Yes, I've changed mine now too! "
The point of our post is if you're genuinely keen for this to not happen again do the opposite. Insist you only meet attached people with the consent of their partner. Putting "won't meet attached people" on your profile changes nothing at all. You may as well use the space warning about Sydney University |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Always state in your profile you don't meet married or attatched people
I have this but, as we know, the don't read it.
Yes, I've changed mine now too!
The point of our post is if you're genuinely keen for this to not happen again do the opposite. Insist you only meet attached people with the consent of their partner. Putting "won't meet attached people" on your profile changes nothing at all. You may as well use the space warning about Sydney University "
A-thank-you! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You do wonder though if a single guy had done the same post if he'd got as much sympathy understanding and advice or would have he been told to grow a pair and man up,just a thought
You must be BORED if you feel the need to stir up trouble the way you do.
Sorry have we said something to upset you if so we'd like to.....Actually tough,observation thats all,no trouble stired except in your head
Wow.
What a dreadful noise.
Keep it down.
"
Lol funny thing you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Always state in your profile you don't meet married or attatched people
I have this but, as we know, the don't read it.
Yes, I've changed mine now too!
I don't have it on mine, I've found people have been more inclined to state it when messaging, whereas when it was on my profile they didn't mention it."
agree with this. X ask them then and most will boast then you can move on |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Always state in your profile you don't meet married or attatched people
I have this but, as we know, the don't read it.
Yes, I've changed mine now too!
I don't have it on mine, I've found people have been more inclined to state it when messaging, whereas when it was on my profile they didn't mention it.agree with this. X ask them then and most will boast then you can move on "
It's a tough one... I can see that this would work too! |
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"Why do such a lot of you ladies have problems with attached men?
What is the problem?
If a man decides that he would prefer to have sex with you, rather than his partner, surely you should feel happy about that? Surely it's nice to know you'be attracted him?
What exactly is the problem?"
Personally it's because their schedule to be free to meet isn't flexible enough for my meet needs. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Always state in your profile you don't meet married or attatched people
I have this but, as we know, the don't read it.
Yes, I've changed mine now too!
I don't have it on mine, I've found people have been more inclined to state it when messaging, whereas when it was on my profile they didn't mention it.agree with this. X ask them then and most will boast then you can move on
It's a tough one... I can see that this would work too! "
Nothing like lots of conflicting advice based on anecdotal evidence  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Always state in your profile you don't meet married or attatched people
I have this but, as we know, the don't read it.
Yes, I've changed mine now too!
I don't have it on mine, I've found people have been more inclined to state it when messaging, whereas when it was on my profile they didn't mention it.agree with this. X ask them then and most will boast then you can move on
It's a tough one... I can see that this would work too!
Nothing like lots of conflicting advice based on anecdotal evidence "
But when people ask things majority of the time it will based around anecdotal evidence, I'm not going to go and do a large study on it so it can be generalised. So I put what I know through my own experience, like many others. |
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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago
in the suffolk countryside |
"
I don't want this to turn into a judgemental thread
phew!
I feel like I've been misled.
Should I be asking by default if they have partners who are not aware of their presence on here!?
That depends on you. Many have a 'don't ask - don't tell' policy, so if you haven't asked, it can't have been that important initially, and technically he never misled to you.
Treat it as a learning experience and move on.
Mr ddc
So you don't think he had a right to tell me? I'll definitely be using this as a learning experience..."
lots of men will want to get in your knickers..once or more than once..take charge and ask the questions you want answered...that is the best way..no he doesnt have to tell you anything, considerate yes, but hes under no obligation to...take care sweet..learn quick and move on, to taking full charge of who you meet xxxxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you feel strongly about not playing with people who are married/attached then yes I feel that you should be asking them upfront before you take it any further.
However, many people will still tell you that they are single when they aren't. I know this through experience. There is no way you can fully guarantee they are single unless you get full names, addresses, etc and even then they are ways around it, and I know as I'm a "cheater" lol.
At the end of the day you are on a sex site on the internet, it hardly ranks high for trust and honesty.
I do hope that you do find decent people though who will treat you with the respect you deserve and |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why do such a lot of you ladies have problems with attached men?
What is the problem?
If a man decides that he would prefer to have sex with you, rather than his partner, surely you should feel happy about that? Surely it's nice to know you'be attracted him?
What exactly is the problem?"
Excellent point. I don't have any issues with married/attached men |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I clearly state if someone is married they must move on.
Not interested in the baggage or drama for numerous reasons
The main one being they will not likely be available when I am
Nor can they be seen in public in the local area
Plus just recently I have been put in the situation of being named by the husband to the wife, didn't know he was married!, and now I have to wonder if she'll be knocking on my door!!
It's not worth the aggro for me personally!! "
You were named ? Do you honestly give people your real name ? That's extremely trusting off you. You're a braver lady than I am |
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"I clearly state if someone is married they must move on.
Not interested in the baggage or drama for numerous reasons
The main one being they will not likely be available when I am
Nor can they be seen in public in the local area
Plus just recently I have been put in the situation of being named by the husband to the wife, didn't know he was married!, and now I have to wonder if she'll be knocking on my door!!
It's not worth the aggro for me personally!!
You were named ? Do you honestly give people your real name ? That's extremely trusting off you. You're a braver lady than I am "
I've always read your posts under the assumption your surname was Minx
I go to clubs as well and to be honest there's no way there I could know what a single ladies marital status is |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I clearly state if someone is married they must move on.
Not interested in the baggage or drama for numerous reasons
The main one being they will not likely be available when I am
Nor can they be seen in public in the local area
Plus just recently I have been put in the situation of being named by the husband to the wife, didn't know he was married!, and now I have to wonder if she'll be knocking on my door!!
It's not worth the aggro for me personally!!
You were named ? Do you honestly give people your real name ? That's extremely trusting off you. You're a braver lady than I am
I've always read your posts under the assumption your surname was Minx
I go to clubs as well and to be honest there's no way there I could know what a single ladies marital status is "
Oh, but my surname is minx....in this fantasy life it is anyway |
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"Why do such a lot of you ladies have problems with attached men?
What is the problem?
If a man decides that he would prefer to have sex with you, rather than his partner, surely you should feel happy about that? Surely it's nice to know you'be attracted him?
What exactly is the problem?"
No that is just absolute arrogance and ignorance.
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