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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Been part of a couple on here now for 3 years but still not always that confident.
For example. If meeting a couple I can quite easily feel inferior to the other woman.. Refused a meet this week as she is a lot slimmer than me, and I would genuinely feel like her partner would feel he had the rough deal... And because of that would go into it feeling bad... So I said no thanks.
I have loads of little things that some feel hold me back.. Yet we meet most weeks and I mostly have a thoroughly good time.
I also never look at a guy or a girl and think mmm I fancy them. I mean this as ever... I meet people because they seem fun or at the time the situation was horny.. I will however say no to people with attributes that turn me off.
We are trying to respark some of our earlier fun by meeting separately but I'm finding it incredibly hard when I cant look at someone and think mmmm
I cant even tell you what it is that attracts me as its normally spur of the moment and never talk to them again after.
The big one for me is if they are stereotypically good looking I say no.... To be fair its why it took me so long to play with Mr deviant as I thought I was below him.
When I did gg play I just played and didn't think. Now I'm looking for attraction and I'm feeling lost.
Please don't think I'm not having a great time as i am and love our club and party meets. But does anyone else find they are chemistry and attraction shy....
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I can't play without the sexual chemistry, I was worried I would feel as you do when we started doing this as I'd only ever been with hubbie but luckily I was wrong!
I know you say you are enjoying it but without the 'mmmm' factor I'm not sure I could Xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I can't play without the sexual chemistry, I was worried I would feel as you do when we started doing this as I'd only ever been with hubbie but luckily I was wrong!
I know you say you are enjoying it but without the 'mmmm' factor I'm not sure I could Xx "
so do you get into guys then... Xx |
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By *obka3Couple
over a year ago
bournemouth |
Perfectly normal to feel like that especially in a couple situation as to get four people to fancy each other can be hard, perhaps it would be easier to put a fantasy face/body of someone you do fancy in your mind, have done that once or twice when the lady I was with wasnt really my type but for some reason liked me, we are going to a club for the first time in a couple of weeks and it does worry me a bit if I will be able to find it sexy enough to "perform", |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It is nsa and its all about enjoying every taste on the spectrum  yes but your still meant to have an attraction... "
That is right you do, personal I dont need it. I guess its an individual thing x. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It is nsa and its all about enjoying every taste on the spectrum yes but your still meant to have an attraction... That is right you do, personal I dont need it. I guess its an individual thing x."
that's the problem. People look at me like I'm some strange species when I say I don't need to fancy them, just not be intimidated or turned off.. I'm such a hypocrite though as I need to feel they at least find me sexy x  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you refuse a meet, because YOU don't feel attractive enough, then essentially you are making up your potential play partners mind before you meet.
If you refuse a meet because you don't find a potential play partner attractive then thats YOUR personal choice.
I think if someone wants to meet you (couple), you should take that on merit, and not overthink whether someone is "taking one for the team" . Thats a harsh way to think about yourself (maybe you are different in size to their current partner, but you have other attributes that appreciate?)
In instances where you think that someone sleep ing with you is getting the rough end of the deal, maybe have a social first? That way you can see whether someone is "into you" before they get in to you.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Socials put me off totally x no spontaneity "
Then there is no way to allay your self-esteem issues. When you meet someone in a social, if you are contacted again, or arrange a meet, you know that some of your attributes have attracted that person, so the negativity you may have had evaporates.
The spontaneous style of meet you prefer will always leaving you asking questions, however, there may be a solution in other couples that meet as singles. If you have other couples that meet as singles in your area, it may be an idea (and if you fancy them), to arrange a single meet with them (that way you know that the other half isnt taking one for the team, and genuinely would like to meet you) |
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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago
yumsville |
If the fizz isn't there when messaging, it is unlikely it'll be there on meeting. If you are nervous undressed it becomes more obvious you're not going to be relaxed fucking for thinking if something is showing or something. On the other hand if you both have dirty as fuck attitudes or whatever it is that sets you off when messaging - you should probably put forget any hangups and hope they are actually your (or their) taste when you get a face pic!  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Have a social and if all people involved are happy then play ."
to be fair I don't enjoy socials.
Clubs and parties I tend to have amazing times and if someone is to amazing to really be into me or id feel inferior if Mr played with someone that stunning then we just don't.
Its more to be fair I don't get how you can fancy someone if your with someone... Its not something till now I've ever had to worry about . |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If the fizz isn't there when messaging, it is unlikely it'll be there on meeting. If you are nervous undressed it becomes more obvious you're not going to be relaxed fucking for thinking if something is showing or something. On the other hand if you both have dirty as fuck attitudes or whatever it is that sets you off when messaging - you should probably put forget any hangups and hope they are actually your (or their) taste when you get a face pic! "
I never get excited from messaging abs I'm comfortable naked ... I just don't want to be next to a stunning lady and if her partner cant perform in automatically going to assume its me.
And people keep saying if you fancy them.. That's the problem. Apart from my partner I never fancy anyone... Its the situation and watching each other that does it for me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Been part of a couple on here now for 3 years but still not always that confident.
For example. If meeting a couple I can quite easily feel inferior to the other woman.. Refused a meet this week as she is a lot slimmer than me, and I would genuinely feel like her partner would feel he had the rough deal... And because of that would go into it feeling bad... So I said no thanks.
I have loads of little things that some feel hold me back.. Yet we meet most weeks and I mostly have a thoroughly good time.
I also never look at a guy or a girl and think mmm I fancy them. I mean this as ever... I meet people because they seem fun or at the time the situation was horny.. I will however say no to people with attributes that turn me off.
We are trying to respark some of our earlier fun by meeting separately but I'm finding it incredibly hard when I cant look at someone and think mmmm
I cant even tell you what it is that attracts me as its normally spur of the moment and never talk to them again after.
The big one for me is if they are stereotypically good looking I say no.... To be fair its why it took me so long to play with Mr deviant as I thought I was below him.
When I did gg play I just played and didn't think. Now I'm looking for attraction and I'm feeling lost.
Please don't think I'm not having a great time as i am and love our club and party meets. But does anyone else find they are chemistry and attraction shy....
"
Always love your thought provoking posts , a rarity on the forums .
We are probably as close as it gets to you guys in terms of attitude to swinging and regularity of meets .
We get very similar thoughts and concerns about ourselves , it's a natural human trait , and inevitable at times . It shows we are just as vulnerable as anyone else , but if it begins to affect you in a negative way on a regular basis , it may be time to have a rethink .
There has to be a legitimate reason to feel you are inferior in any way to anyone else . Especially if it is they who have asked to meet you . Have you had any bad experiences ?
If not , think of the fun times you have had , with who , and ask yourself why you should feel down about yourself . And you will see there's no reason at all !
Get out in the car , try some dogging spots and invite guys in if its cold . You'll soon realise your worth , and how you are perfectly capable ....plus it's darker and the mystery is part of the fun .
Shake things up , forget about the negatives and brush them away . Do what makes you feel good and remembers,mid someone wants to meet you , you're what they are looking for .
We aren't looking for supermodels , we like fun with like minded people and it's more about attitude and willingness to explore , than just how attractive they are .
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I am very similar to you Cali.
Messages do nothing for me, I don't enjoy socials and it is incrediably rare that I fancy a bloke.
I'm not normally physically attracted to the guy, more I find the situation erotic. |
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If it's making you feel bad, have doubts about yourself or affecting your self esteem in any way stop doing whatever it is if you can. This isn't obligatory or vital for living and maybe stepping away for a short while will help. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I am very similar to you Cali.
Messages do nothing for me, I don't enjoy socials and it is incrediably rare that I fancy a bloke.
I'm not normally physically attracted to the guy, more I find the situation erotic."
see that is me entirely. I was quite happy till people keep telling me its not right and that I don't understand the lifestyle etc. And its making me question myself
I enjoy sex for the messy ending and the excitement of the shared experiences. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Been part of a couple on here now for 3 years but still not always that confident.
For example. If meeting a couple I can quite easily feel inferior to the other woman.. Refused a meet this week as she is a lot slimmer than me, and I would genuinely feel like her partner would feel he had the rough deal... And because of that would go into it feeling bad... So I said no thanks.
I have loads of little things that some feel hold me back.. Yet we meet most weeks and I mostly have a thoroughly good time.
I also never look at a guy or a girl and think mmm I fancy them. I mean this as ever... I meet people because they seem fun or at the time the situation was horny.. I will however say no to people with attributes that turn me off.
We are trying to respark some of our earlier fun by meeting separately but I'm finding it incredibly hard when I cant look at someone and think mmmm
I cant even tell you what it is that attracts me as its normally spur of the moment and never talk to them again after.
The big one for me is if they are stereotypically good looking I say no.... To be fair its why it took me so long to play with Mr deviant as I thought I was below him.
When I did gg play I just played and didn't think. Now I'm looking for attraction and I'm feeling lost.
Please don't think I'm not having a great time as i am and love our club and party meets. But does anyone else find they are chemistry and attraction shy....
Always love your thought provoking posts , a rarity on the forums .
We are probably as close as it gets to you guys in terms of attitude to swinging and regularity of meets .
We get very similar thoughts and concerns about ourselves , it's a natural human trait , and inevitable at times . It shows we are just as vulnerable as anyone else , but if it begins to affect you in a negative way on a regular basis , it may be time to have a rethink .
There has to be a legitimate reason to feel you are inferior in any way to anyone else . Especially if it is they who have asked to meet you . Have you had any bad experiences ?
If not , think of the fun times you have had , with who , and ask yourself why you should feel down about yourself . And you will see there's no reason at all !
Get out in the car , try some dogging spots and invite guys in if its cold . You'll soon realise your worth , and how you are perfectly capable ....plus it's darker and the mystery is part of the fun .
Shake things up , forget about the negatives and brush them away . Do what makes you feel good and remembers,mid someone wants to meet you , you're what they are looking for .
We aren't looking for supermodels , we like fun with like minded people and it's more about attitude and willingness to explore , than just how attractive they are .
"
To be honest it only happens if its a private meet... Clubs and parties im happy in myself..
I have to be fair not been feeling myself since I turned 40 and put on a bit of weight and yes if I could pick myself up id have enough time to shift the weight again.
I love the not knowing what we will find at clubs/parties... I just instantly put a negative on private meets |
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"I am very similar to you Cali.
Messages do nothing for me, I don't enjoy socials and it is incrediably rare that I fancy a bloke.
I'm not normally physically attracted to the guy, more I find the situation erotic.see that is me entirely. I was quite happy till people keep telling me its not right and that I don't understand the lifestyle etc. And its making me question myself
I enjoy sex for the messy ending and the excitement of the shared experiences. "
You need to get in the mind set that say "f*** what other people are saying". Who the hell are other people to tell you how you should conduct yourself and your sex life? |
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I don't do private meets, I don't find them relaxing and fun.
I don't make arrangements to meet people at clubs, I prefer to just go and see what the night brings.
I don't often play with the same man a second time, if I do it is an exception.
Accept yourself for who you are and don't worry about other people.
I'm me.
I like me.
I don't give a fuck if others like me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't do private meets, I don't find them relaxing and fun.
I don't make arrangements to meet people at clubs, I prefer to just go and see what the night brings.
I don't often play with the same man a second time, if I do it is an exception.
Accept yourself for who you are and don't worry about other people.
I'm me.
I like me.
I don't give a fuck if others like me."
Perfectly put  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I don't do private meets, I don't find them relaxing and fun.
I don't make arrangements to meet people at clubs, I prefer to just go and see what the night brings.
I don't often play with the same man a second time, if I do it is an exception.
Accept yourself for who you are and don't worry about other people.
I'm me.
I like me.
I don't give a fuck if others like me."
see this is very much me.. Yet I find I'm loving the exploration and meeting couples together. Its still quite new but exciting ground for me.
I however enjoy my couples meets pretty much the same as how you say..
Not to much messaging. Spur of the moment and see where the night takes us.
I should not care what people say but when you get looked at like you need locking away because you don't want to do it be like them. It has really played on my mind. And now we are adding elements that we both used to love back in.. It has just seemed to have highlighted my odd thoughts x |
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"I don't do private meets, I don't find them relaxing and fun.
I don't make arrangements to meet people at clubs, I prefer to just go and see what the night brings.
I don't often play with the same man a second time, if I do it is an exception.
Accept yourself for who you are and don't worry about other people.
I'm me.
I like me.
I don't give a fuck if others like me. see this is very much me.. Yet I find I'm loving the exploration and meeting couples together. Its still quite new but exciting ground for me.
I however enjoy my couples meets pretty much the same as how you say..
Not to much messaging. Spur of the moment and see where the night takes us.
I should not care what people say but when you get looked at like you need locking away because you don't want to do it be like them. It has really played on my mind. And now we are adding elements that we both used to love back in.. It has just seemed to have highlighted my odd thoughts x "
You're assuming you know what other people think...you don't...and even if you're right what does it matter? |
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I don't know your circumstances but it sounds like you aren't enjoying yourself, maybe worth taking a break?
Sexuality and sexual wants change over time for different reasons. I had 18 months of nothing, no sex, didn't fancy anyone, no wanking, nothing. Currently back in full swing but when I feel a wane or no longer feel desire, will take a break. No point carrying on for the sake of it.
Step back and concentrate on you for a bit? |
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I agree with the post suggesting a break.
I felt the same way when I first started swinging and really wondered why people would find me attractive, I even had one mff that I chatted away all through it limiting our time to play as I was intimated by her perfect body. I soon found out from here most girls and although the might not admit it a large majority of men have issues about there body etc and can also feel the same way. The best thing someone said to me that made me feel more confident was "what gives you the right to decide who or what someone finds attractive enough to play with,if there wanting to play then obviously there's something there that makes them want to play". As harsh as it sounds the were totally right and I now never think about it. Hope this helps xxxxxx |
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It's a shame you are judging yourself against other people.
Everyone finds different things about different people attractive.
Brad Pitt and George Cloony may be considered traditionally good looking but they certainly don't float everyone's boat.
So please don't refuse meets cos you think the bloke may be "getting the rough end of the deal" as you put it.
Personally (MrK here) I'd say you were very attractive. Other people may not. Horses for courses.
Some people say we are hot, some people turn us down because we're not for them, some people have said I look like Shrek...
The important thing is to have fun.
If it stops being fun, either stop doing it or find a way to bring the fun back. |
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"Been part of a couple on here now for 3 years but still not always that confident.
For example. If meeting a couple I can quite easily feel inferior to the other woman.. Refused a meet this week as she is a lot slimmer than me, and I would genuinely feel like her partner would feel he had the rough deal... And because of that would go into it feeling bad... So I said no thanks.
I have loads of little things that some feel hold me back.. Yet we meet most weeks and I mostly have a thoroughly good time.
I also never look at a guy or a girl and think mmm I fancy them. I mean this as ever... I meet people because they seem fun or at the time the situation was horny.. I will however say no to people with attributes that turn me off.
We are trying to respark some of our earlier fun by meeting separately but I'm finding it incredibly hard when I cant look at someone and think mmmm
I cant even tell you what it is that attracts me as its normally spur of the moment and never talk to them again after.
The big one for me is if they are stereotypically good looking I say no.... To be fair its why it took me so long to play with Mr deviant as I thought I was below him.
When I did gg play I just played and didn't think. Now I'm looking for attraction and I'm feeling lost.
Please don't think I'm not having a great time as i am and love our club and party meets. But does anyone else find they are chemistry and attraction shy....
"
I can under stand that the feeling of they are ether out of your league or you look shit up to them feel the same some time eg in clubs and such it's hard to built up that self confident but you will be fine and iam the same if I see a girl who is 'fit' I tend to stay away as I know she would not look at me but every one is different as I say in my profile what I lack in looks I try to make up in my personally just enjoy your self relax and be happy with your self |
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"It's a shame you are judging yourself against other people.
Everyone finds different things about different people attractive.
Brad Pitt and George Cloony may be considered traditionally good looking but they certainly don't float everyone's boat.
So please don't refuse meets cos you think the bloke may be "getting the rough end of the deal" as you put it.
Personally (MrK here) I'd say you were very attractive. Other people may not. Horses for courses.
Some people say we are hot, some people turn us down because we're not for them, some people have said I look like Shrek...
The important thing is to have fun.
If it stops being fun, either stop doing it or find a way to bring the fun back. "
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