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Adultery: would you tell?
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By *otgirl32 OP Woman
over a year ago
Ashton Under Lyne |
First, a disclaimer: This is not an issue I'm facing but a very good friend asked me this a few days ago and I'm not sure what the right answer is.
So, I know a girl in her mid 40s, she got divorced a year ago and recently started going to swing clubs locally. As far as I know she's not on Fab - in fact I'm pretty sure. From what she tells me she's been having good fun with men younger and older, doesn't ever want to sleep with a married or attached man, but is aware that in a swing club every man is by definition "single and available". She apparently saw the husband of a very close friend of hers at a swing party somewhere. Don't know more of the details but she avoided being seen by him, had her fun behind closed doors and blah blah blah. Now she's not sure what to do - should she tell her friend about hubby's antics? I'm assuming she's pretty sure hubby is playing away.
Honestly, I'm not sure what I'd do but I'd definitely not tell my friend if I saw her hubby playing. But for me adultery is less of a big deal, I enjoy married men as much as single guys, and as far as I'm concerned, almost all married men cheat, period (excluding those who swing with their wives as a couple). I suggested she talk to the hubby and see what he had to say for himself but that's it. Quite frankly, it's none of her business and she ought to just shut it. Would anyone tell the wife (I guess, in the name of "good friendship") knowing that it would probably end their marriage?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If she was a really close friend then I suspect that she would be with him also.
If I was in that situation id talk to him.
Let him know that I seen him.
I wouldn't go tell her thou..
I would feel guilty yes but it wouldn't be my business  |
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By *anky_PankyWoman
over a year ago
Filthy Fuckeryville |
I'd speak to him about it maybe just to let him know to be more careful as if you know then who else foes!? And that if he hurt my friend (assuming she's a very close friend) that he's in trouble!  |
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"Question that would b in the back of my mind would be, would I like to be told??
Answer would be yes if I didn't figure it out already. "
Strange isn't it? I used to think that i'd like to be told. Now im older and wiser and take a very different _iew of life. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I assume if your friends friend is a close one she would know what to do for the best.
I have a very close friend who has told me repeatedly that she would always want to know regardless of the circumstances ~ so in that instance I would tell her. Other friends I haven't had the chat with I would keep my mouth firmly shut. |
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In that situation I'd probably want to know, but
A common fall out from this situation is that it causes a massive bust up, the couple end up staying together but both of them fall out with the messenger, so if she does tell she needs to be prepared to be in the centre of a storm and that she may lose both their friendships over this |
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No I would only ever interfere in somebody else's relationship if abuse physical or mental was taking place.
Nobody ever knows about other people's marriages, the dynamic between them and what holds them together and its arrogant in my opinion to assume that you're acting in somebody's best interest where personal relationships are concerned. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Put yourself in the position of the one who's being betrayed. Would you want to be told if your partner was cheating ? 99.9 % I guess would "
You see I wouldn't want to be told, not be a friend.
We're all different, people shouldn't assume. |
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By *otgirl32 OP Woman
over a year ago
Ashton Under Lyne |
"No I would only ever interfere in somebody else's relationship if abuse physical or mental was taking place.
Nobody ever knows about other people's marriages, the dynamic between them and what holds them together and its arrogant in my opinion to assume that you're acting in somebody's best interest where personal relationships are concerned."
Very wise comment  |
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By *otgirl32 OP Woman
over a year ago
Ashton Under Lyne |
"These are the kind of stories you read in "dirty" mags.
Whether they are fact or fiction? lol."
Well, all stories are based on real life. As far as I know this is absolutely true, I see no reason in hell for my friend to make it up. I don't know the husband/wife in question at all so she'd have nothing to gain by concocting this. |
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Plus do her family and friends know about her swinging and sex life?
If she 'outs' him then it could get nasty and he could in retaliation 'out' her to all her family and friends - now they all may know already and she's very open about things but its something to take into consideration |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would tell my friend that I'd seen her partner at a swinging club. I'd probably frame is casually 'oh I was out at Chams/Libs/Xtasia/etc Saturday night and I saw Joe really enjoying himself, did he have a good time?' It would give her the opportunity to tell me that's the kind of relationship they already have, or for her to go 'oh, I thought he was round at Steve's watching the tennis'.
Honesty is really important to me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"No I would only ever interfere in somebody else's relationship if abuse physical or mental was taking place."
Systematic denial and lying are often considered to be abuse within relationships.
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If it was a close friend I would tell.....surely that's what friendship is all about? If the friend clearly has no idea that her husband is playing away then letting her being treated like a fool isn't being a good friend. Yes I know this sometimes backfires but least I'd know id done the right thing. I'd want to know if it was me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Put yourself in the position of the one who's being betrayed. Would you want to be told if your partner was cheating ? 99.9 % I guess would "
I wouldn't want to be told and I'd be bloody pissed off if I was told. |
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By *osieWoman
over a year ago
Wembley |
My best friend knows everything about me including the fact that I go to swinger's clubs. If I ever saw her partner in one, I'd know that they are not there with her 'blessings'. I'd be on the phone to her immediately |
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So she saw him at the party . Did he play? Was he there with permission ?? Too much unknown and could stir up a hornets nest for nothing. At present all there is is the assumption he's cheating . If he is I'd say to my friend if they are such a good one. If not then none of my business . Until I knew for sure I'd keep on just doing my own thing . |
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"No I would only ever interfere in somebody else's relationship if abuse physical or mental was taking place.
Systematic denial and lying are often considered to be abuse within relationships.
"
And if I knew for certain that this was taking place in an abusive way I would say something.
Far too many people assume that others live by the same rules they do and that if they see somebody's partner at a club the other one is sitting at home having been lied to. There are too many variables, too many different ways to be in a relationship for outsiders to know the dynamic.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"No I would only ever interfere in somebody else's relationship if abuse physical or mental was taking place.
Systematic denial and lying are often considered to be abuse within relationships.
And if I knew for certain that this was taking place in an abusive way I would say something.
Far too many people assume that others live by the same rules they do and that if they see somebody's partner at a club the other one is sitting at home having been lied to. There are too many variables, too many different ways to be in a relationship for outsiders to know the dynamic.
"
That's very true. But then, what if that person was sitting at home being lied to? What if that person is being abused systematically and that's the only slip up that the person's partner has made? What if you discussing it with them helped them to get out of an abusive relationship? |
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"No I would only ever interfere in somebody else's relationship if abuse physical or mental was taking place.
Systematic denial and lying are often considered to be abuse within relationships.
And if I knew for certain that this was taking place in an abusive way I would say something.
Far too many people assume that others live by the same rules they do and that if they see somebody's partner at a club the other one is sitting at home having been lied to. There are too many variables, too many different ways to be in a relationship for outsiders to know the dynamic.
That's very true. But then, what if that person was sitting at home being lied to? What if that person is being abused systematically and that's the only slip up that the person's partner has made? What if you discussing it with them helped them to get out of an abusive relationship?"
And what if it didn't? What if the adultery was keeping the relationship together? How far do we take responsibility for other people on a what if? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
And what if it didn't? What if the adultery was keeping the relationship together? How far do we take responsibility for other people on a what if?"
If 'adultery was keeping the relationship together' then that would imply that both parties are consenting to the seeing of others outside the relationship and it's no longer really 'adultery'.
In that case what's the worst that can happen? Your friend says 'yes we both play separately, but we'd prefer not to discuss our sex lives'? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In that situation I'd probably want to know, but
A common fall out from this situation is that it causes a massive bust up, the couple end up staying together but both of them fall out with the messenger, so if she does tell she needs to be prepared to be in the centre of a storm and that she may lose both their friendships over this "
This happened to me, a friend came to me and told me my ex was cheating, I confronted him n I got the whole 'shes lying and jealous' story..
While id been at home been a good wife my ex was making a show of me, but I believed him n dumped her.
Shit happens, you live you learn. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If it was a close friend I would tell.....surely that's what friendship is all about? If the friend clearly has no idea that her husband is playing away then letting her being treated like a fool isn't being a good friend. Yes I know this sometimes backfires but least I'd know id done the right thing. I'd want to know if it was me "
I don't have any female "good friends" so i stick by my comments and wouldn't tell anyone  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"No I would only ever interfere in somebody else's relationship if abuse physical or mental was taking place.
Systematic denial and lying are often considered to be abuse within relationships.
And if I knew for certain that this was taking place in an abusive way I would say something.
Far too many people assume that others live by the same rules they do and that if they see somebody's partner at a club the other one is sitting at home having been lied to. There are too many variables, too many different ways to be in a relationship for outsiders to know the dynamic.
That's very true. But then, what if that person was sitting at home being lied to? What if that person is being abused systematically and that's the only slip up that the person's partner has made? What if you discussing it with them helped them to get out of an abusive relationship?"
No matter what is said and done, a person will only leave an abusive relationship when they feel they are ready. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So she saw him at the party . Did he play? Was he there with permission ?? Too much unknown and could stir up a hornets nest for nothing. At present all there is is the assumption he's cheating . If he is I'd say to my friend if they are such a good one. If not then none of my business . Until I knew for sure I'd keep on just doing my own thing ."
This - if they have an open relationship then there is nothing to tell. If she avoided him all night - does she know whether he did anything. He may have been there sussing it out for both of them to go along to, there could be a few reasons why he was there other than the initial gut instinct.
If there was proof he was there without consent, fucking about without consent, then the dilemma begins. Personally if C was fucking about I'd want to be told so I could put a stiletto in his scrotum. But that's just me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
And what if it didn't? What if the adultery was keeping the relationship together? How far do we take responsibility for other people on a what if?
If 'adultery was keeping the relationship together' then that would imply that both parties are consenting to the seeing of others outside the relationship and it's no longer really 'adultery'.
In that case what's the worst that can happen? Your friend says 'yes we both play separately, but we'd prefer not to discuss our sex lives'?"
If 'adultery was keeping the relationship together' line can be taken the other way too, that the relationship is still there because one person is seeing others non-consensually. |
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"
And what if it didn't? What if the adultery was keeping the relationship together? How far do we take responsibility for other people on a what if?
If 'adultery was keeping the relationship together' then that would imply that both parties are consenting to the seeing of others outside the relationship and it's no longer really 'adultery'.
In that case what's the worst that can happen? Your friend says 'yes we both play separately, but we'd prefer not to discuss our sex lives'?"
There are relationships in which one partner is aware that the other has sex elsewhere but doesn't want to know anything about it. Life is not a series of situations to which there are a set of answers which are always correct and I wouldn't want to be the person making judgement calls about my friends marriages unless I believed the circumstances to be extreme. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
There are relationships in which one partner is aware that the other has sex elsewhere but doesn't want to know anything about it. "
And the answer from them would be as I suggested - 'I am aware but I prefer not to discuss our sex life and relationship'. If they are aware, what's the problem with bringing it up? |
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"
There are relationships in which one partner is aware that the other has sex elsewhere but doesn't want to know anything about it.
And the answer from them would be as I suggested - 'I am aware but I prefer not to discuss our sex life and relationship'. If they are aware, what's the problem with bringing it up?"
That is one of the unknowns. Not everybody has the luxury of total honesty in their life, some don't even want it, they are happy to live in the world they have created for themselves and that includes turning a blind eye to their spouses infidelity. If they are made to face reality it causes huge problems I've seen it happen. It is not in my opinion my place to insist that my friends know the truth at all costs.
This is what I mean by too many variables, we can't possibly know what goes on behind closed doors and the truth isn't always what we think it is. I don't feel that telling my version of truth is always the right thing. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
There are relationships in which one partner is aware that the other has sex elsewhere but doesn't want to know anything about it.
And the answer from them would be as I suggested - 'I am aware but I prefer not to discuss our sex life and relationship'. If they are aware, what's the problem with bringing it up?
That is one of the unknowns. Not everybody has the luxury of total honesty in their life, some don't even want it, they are happy to live in the world they have created for themselves and that includes turning a blind eye to their spouses infidelity. If they are made to face reality it causes huge problems I've seen it happen. It is not in my opinion my place to insist that my friends know the truth at all costs.
This is what I mean by too many variables, we can't possibly know what goes on behind closed doors and the truth isn't always what we think it is. I don't feel that telling my version of truth is always the right thing."
There is truth and there is fact.
I would state facts, not truth. 'I saw your partner at a swinging club on Saturday night' is a fact. What the person decides to do with that information... well... that is up to them.
Personally I couldn't live with myself if a close friend of mine contracted a sexually transmitted infection from her cheating partner, for instance, and I'd had the opportunity to stop that happening. It happened to a friend of mine - he was playing away, she didn't know anything about it. He contracted an STI, she caught it from him and showed no real symptoms. She had no reason to suspect an STI, because she thought they were faithful to each other. They didn't use condoms. One of her biggest desires in life was to have children. She can no longer have children because her uterus is so damaged from long-term STIs. It turned out that one of our friends knew that her husband was cheating and never told her. Our friend could have enabled her to leave the relationship with both her dignity and her health intact, but instead decided that it was none of her business.
Even if my theoretical friend decided she didn't really mind him having sex elsewhere, at least she could then choose to use condoms to protect himself from anything he might bring home. And one would hope that they would decide to leave and spend their life with someone that treats them a bit nicer. |
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"
There are relationships in which one partner is aware that the other has sex elsewhere but doesn't want to know anything about it.
And the answer from them would be as I suggested - 'I am aware but I prefer not to discuss our sex life and relationship'. If they are aware, what's the problem with bringing it up?
That is one of the unknowns. Not everybody has the luxury of total honesty in their life, some don't even want it, they are happy to live in the world they have created for themselves and that includes turning a blind eye to their spouses infidelity. If they are made to face reality it causes huge problems I've seen it happen. It is not in my opinion my place to insist that my friends know the truth at all costs.
This is what I mean by too many variables, we can't possibly know what goes on behind closed doors and the truth isn't always what we think it is. I don't feel that telling my version of truth is always the right thing.
There is truth and there is fact.
I would state facts, not truth. 'I saw your partner at a swinging club on Saturday night' is a fact. What the person decides to do with that information... well... that is up to them.
Personally I couldn't live with myself if a close friend of mine contracted a sexually transmitted infection from her cheating partner, for instance, and I'd had the opportunity to stop that happening. It happened to a friend of mine - he was playing away, she didn't know anything about it. He contracted an STI, she caught it from him and showed no real symptoms. She had no reason to suspect an STI, because she thought they were faithful to each other. They didn't use condoms. One of her biggest desires in life was to have children. She can no longer have children because her uterus is so damaged from long-term STIs. It turned out that one of our friends knew that her husband was cheating and never told her. Our friend could have enabled her to leave the relationship with both her dignity and her health intact, but instead decided that it was none of her business.
Even if my theoretical friend decided she didn't really mind him having sex elsewhere, at least she could then choose to use condoms to protect himself from anything he might bring home. And one would hope that they would decide to leave and spend their life with someone that treats them a bit nicer."
There certainly is truth and fact. The problems arise I think when one applies the facts of one situation to another. We could argue all day about theoretical situations but I think we both know neither of us will alter our way of thinking on this. |
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"
There are relationships in which one partner is aware that the other has sex elsewhere but doesn't want to know anything about it.
And the answer from them would be as I suggested - 'I am aware but I prefer not to discuss our sex life and relationship'. If they are aware, what's the problem with bringing it up?
That is one of the unknowns. Not everybody has the luxury of total honesty in their life, some don't even want it, they are happy to live in the world they have created for themselves and that includes turning a blind eye to their spouses infidelity. If they are made to face reality it causes huge problems I've seen it happen. It is not in my opinion my place to insist that my friends know the truth at all costs.
This is what I mean by too many variables, we can't possibly know what goes on behind closed doors and the truth isn't always what we think it is. I don't feel that telling my version of truth is always the right thing.
There is truth and there is fact.
I would state facts, not truth. 'I saw your partner at a swinging club on Saturday night' is a fact. What the person decides to do with that information... well... that is up to them.
Personally I couldn't live with myself if a close friend of mine contracted a sexually transmitted infection from her cheating partner, for instance, and I'd had the opportunity to stop that happening. It happened to a friend of mine - he was playing away, she didn't know anything about it. He contracted an STI, she caught it from him and showed no real symptoms. She had no reason to suspect an STI, because she thought they were faithful to each other. They didn't use condoms. One of her biggest desires in life was to have children. She can no longer have children because her uterus is so damaged from long-term STIs. It turned out that one of our friends knew that her husband was cheating and never told her. Our friend could have enabled her to leave the relationship with both her dignity and her health intact, but instead decided that it was none of her business.
Even if my theoretical friend decided she didn't really mind him having sex elsewhere, at least she could then choose to use condoms to protect himself from anything he might bring home. And one would hope that they would decide to leave and spend their life with someone that treats them a bit nicer."
THIS. Entirely.
I don't endorse people playing away and to be frank if I was as good of a friend as I hope I am to my friends then I wouldn't want them to be taken for a mug, and to be fair if you were close you'd likely know how your friend would feel. I know my best female friends would want to know. If the husbands don't want finding out then don't fucking do it! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"First, a disclaimer: This is not an issue I'm facing but a very good friend asked me this a few days ago and I'm not sure what the right answer is.
So, I know a girl in her mid 40s, she got divorced a year ago and recently started going to swing clubs locally. As far as I know she's not on Fab - in fact I'm pretty sure. From what she tells me she's been having good fun with men younger and older, doesn't ever want to sleep with a married or attached man, but is aware that in a swing club every man is by definition "single and available". She apparently saw the husband of a very close friend of hers at a swing party somewhere. Don't know more of the details but she avoided being seen by him, had her fun behind closed doors and blah blah blah. Now she's not sure what to do - should she tell her friend about hubby's antics? I'm assuming she's pretty sure hubby is playing away.
Honestly, I'm not sure what I'd do but I'd definitely not tell my friend if I saw her hubby playing. But for me adultery is less of a big deal, I enjoy married men as much as single guys, and as far as I'm concerned, almost all married men cheat, period (excluding those who swing with their wives as a couple). I suggested she talk to the hubby and see what he had to say for himself but that's it. Quite frankly, it's none of her business and she ought to just shut it. Would anyone tell the wife (I guess, in the name of "good friendship") knowing that it would probably end their marriage?
"
I agree with you, a good friend of mine is very happily married but he is a complete manhole. However, once you know the whole situation she gives him permission to play away as she does not like sex full stop EXCEPT when it would embarrassing her - and telling her that her hubby is shagging around certainly would do that. Mind you, he did push it himself recently when he was bonking their cleaner on their bed- she decided her services were no longer required in the house. |
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"I mind my own business and never involve myself in other people's dramas.
Your friend should have kept it to herself too."
I agree. Don't be all "woe is me what should I do?" while ensuring other people know if you are going to tell make sure you only tell the one person you profess to be good friends with. |
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By *otgirl32 OP Woman
over a year ago
Ashton Under Lyne |
"
And what if it didn't? What if the adultery was keeping the relationship together? How far do we take responsibility for other people on a what if?
If 'adultery was keeping the relationship together' then that would imply that both parties are consenting to the seeing of others outside the relationship and it's no longer really 'adultery'.
In that case what's the worst that can happen? Your friend says 'yes we both play separately, but we'd prefer not to discuss our sex lives'?"
I read your comments. While what you say may be fundamentally correct in that when there's adultery the relationship's foundations are weak, etc. etc. so therefore it may as well come to an end. However, I find it VERY presumptuous of you to decide what is "best" for that particular couple. You MAY be right ...... it may well do the wife good to know her husband is cheating, take evasive action and perhaps end the relationship, leading to better prospects in the long run. But at the same time it may be devastating for the family, kids etc. Think WELL BEYOND the immediate present - including but not limited to financial ruin, depression, suicide etc etc. The point is that none of us have the right or enough information to make that determination and ultimately I feel it would be a terrible thing for my friend to tell her friend about her husband. Being holier than thou in the pursuit of honesty can have, at least in this case, unintended consequences IMHO. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
And what if it didn't? What if the adultery was keeping the relationship together? How far do we take responsibility for other people on a what if?
If 'adultery was keeping the relationship together' then that would imply that both parties are consenting to the seeing of others outside the relationship and it's no longer really 'adultery'.
In that case what's the worst that can happen? Your friend says 'yes we both play separately, but we'd prefer not to discuss our sex lives'?
I read your comments. While what you say may be fundamentally correct in that when there's adultery the relationship's foundations are weak, etc. etc. so therefore it may as well come to an end. However, I find it VERY presumptuous of you to decide what is "best" for that particular couple. You MAY be right ...... it may well do the wife good to know her husband is cheating, take evasive action and perhaps end the relationship, leading to better prospects in the long run. But at the same time it may be devastating for the family, kids etc. Think WELL BEYOND the immediate present - including but not limited to financial ruin, depression, suicide etc etc. The point is that none of us have the right or enough information to make that determination and ultimately I feel it would be a terrible thing for my friend to tell her friend about her husband. Being holier than thou in the pursuit of honesty can have, at least in this case, unintended consequences IMHO."
My friends know that I practice radical honesty in almost all cases.
If they don't want radical honesty then they shouldn't be my friend - and some have chosen not to be because they know I'll tell the truth.
It was asked what we might do in the original post. I didn't expect judgemental comments such as 'holier than thou' as a response to comments. |
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"First, a disclaimer: This is not an issue I'm facing but a very good friend asked me this a few days ago and I'm not sure what the right answer is.
So, I know a girl in her mid 40s, she got divorced a year ago and recently started going to swing clubs locally. As far as I know she's not on Fab - in fact I'm pretty sure. From what she tells me she's been having good fun with men younger and older, doesn't ever want to sleep with a married or attached man, but is aware that in a swing club every man is by definition "single and available". She apparently saw the husband of a very close friend of hers at a swing party somewhere. Don't know more of the details but she avoided being seen by him, had her fun behind closed doors and blah blah blah. Now she's not sure what to do - should she tell her friend about hubby's antics? I'm assuming she's pretty sure hubby is playing away.
Honestly, I'm not sure what I'd do but I'd definitely not tell my friend if I saw her hubby playing. But for me adultery is less of a big deal, I enjoy married men as much as single guys, and as far as I'm concerned, almost all married men cheat, period (excluding those who swing with their wives as a couple). I suggested she talk to the hubby and see what he had to say for himself but that's it. Quite frankly, it's none of her business and she ought to just shut it. Would anyone tell the wife (I guess, in the name of "good friendship") knowing that it would probably end their marriage?
"
My dad always said "never get involved in wife and husband business"...and I never have.
I have enough drama in my life without taking on anyone elses. |
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"Just as a follow-up to all this. She decided to NOT tell her friend. I think it was the right decision."
So do I.
You never, ever know the dynamic of another couple's relationship. I think it's arrogant to assume that your truth is their truth. |
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There's no right or wrong answer and it would depend to point of the level of friendship.
I'd tell my best friend, we go back to school days, if I saw her husband cheating but then I'd also expect her to kill me if I didn't |
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By *osieWoman
over a year ago
Wembley |
I guess I am too old-fashioned for this site
I don't think people should cheat on their partners
If my best friend was being cheated on, I would tell her. Just as I would like to be told if I was being cheated on |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
And what if it didn't? What if the adultery was keeping the relationship together? How far do we take responsibility for other people on a what if?
If 'adultery was keeping the relationship together' then that would imply that both parties are consenting to the seeing of others outside the relationship and it's no longer really 'adultery'.
In that case what's the worst that can happen? Your friend says 'yes we both play separately, but we'd prefer not to discuss our sex lives'?
I read your comments. While what you say may be fundamentally correct in that when there's adultery the relationship's foundations are weak, etc. etc. so therefore it may as well come to an end. However, I find it VERY presumptuous of you to decide what is "best" for that particular couple. You MAY be right ...... it may well do the wife good to know her husband is cheating, take evasive action and perhaps end the relationship, leading to better prospects in the long run. But at the same time it may be devastating for the family, kids etc. Think WELL BEYOND the immediate present - including but not limited to financial ruin, depression, suicide etc etc. The point is that none of us have the right or enough information to make that determination and ultimately I feel it would be a terrible thing for my friend to tell her friend about her husband. Being holier than thou in the pursuit of honesty can have, at least in this case, unintended consequences IMHO."
I totally agree with this. Marriage is between 2 people and no one else should interfere. People are unfaithful for many reasons, it's never straightforward and is caused by having underlying issues in their marriage. Who are we to sit as judge and jury on other people's marriages without knowing all the details. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I guess I am too old-fashioned for this site
I don't think people should cheat on their partners
If my best friend was being cheated on, I would tell her. Just as I would like to be told if I was being cheated on"
But what if your best friend had got it wrong? |
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By *osieWoman
over a year ago
Wembley |
"I guess I am too old-fashioned for this site
I don't think people should cheat on their partners
If my best friend was being cheated on, I would tell her. Just as I would like to be told if I was being cheated on
But what if your best friend had got it wrong? "
In what way? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I guess I am too old-fashioned for this site
I don't think people should cheat on their partners
If my best friend was being cheated on, I would tell her. Just as I would like to be told if I was being cheated on
But what if your best friend had got it wrong?
In what way?"
She would need to be 100% sure she had her facts right, some things could be wrongly taken out of context. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Depends on the friendship. If it was a very close friend then I'd think it would be my place to have a tactful word. Imagine if the friend found out, then found out that you knew. That's a double betrayal and imagine how much that would hurt her. Unfortunately in situations like this the message tends to get shot, but your friend has to do what she thinks is right at the time. |
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By *osieWoman
over a year ago
Wembley |
"I guess I am too old-fashioned for this site
I don't think people should cheat on their partners
If my best friend was being cheated on, I would tell her. Just as I would like to be told if I was being cheated on
But what if your best friend had got it wrong?
In what way?
She would need to be 100% sure she had her facts right, some things could be wrongly taken out of context."
Anything is possible
But if she saw him at a swingers club and I wasn't aware that he was going to be there, then other than a case of mistaken identity, I don't know what she could have gotten wrong |
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"I guess I am too old-fashioned for this site
I don't think people should cheat on their partners
If my best friend was being cheated on, I would tell her. Just as I would like to be told if I was being cheated on
But what if your best friend had got it wrong?
In what way?
She would need to be 100% sure she had her facts right, some things could be wrongly taken out of context.
Anything is possible
But if she saw him at a swingers club and I wasn't aware that he was going to be there, then other than a case of mistaken identity, I don't know what she could have gotten wrong"
Just because the ops friend didn't know the guy was going to be there doesn't mean his wife didn't either.
The situation would have been interpreted by someone who knew nothing about the relationship from the inside. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I guess I am too old-fashioned for this site
I don't think people should cheat on their partners
If my best friend was being cheated on, I would tell her. Just as I would like to be told if I was being cheated on
But what if your best friend had got it wrong?
In what way?
She would need to be 100% sure she had her facts right, some things could be wrongly taken out of context.
Anything is possible
But if she saw him at a swingers club and I wasn't aware that he was going to be there, then other than a case of mistaken identity, I don't know what she could have gotten wrong"
But maybe the wife knows but is turning a blind eye, and someone going to tell her would bring her more issues. If he was just looking though, and not touching, is it still classed as cheating in your book? |
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By *osieWoman
over a year ago
Wembley |
"I guess I am too old-fashioned for this site
I don't think people should cheat on their partners
If my best friend was being cheated on, I would tell her. Just as I would like to be told if I was being cheated on
But what if your best friend had got it wrong?
In what way?
She would need to be 100% sure she had her facts right, some things could be wrongly taken out of context.
Anything is possible
But if she saw him at a swingers club and I wasn't aware that he was going to be there, then other than a case of mistaken identity, I don't know what she could have gotten wrong
But maybe the wife knows but is turning a blind eye, and someone going to tell her would bring her more issues. If he was just looking though, and not touching, is it still classed as cheating in your book?"
I said what I would do and what I would want my best friend to do if she saw my boyfriend in such a place
My personal _iew about my relationship is that my boyfriend would be cheating if he was in a swingers club without my knowledge
And if he was there with my knowledge and my best friend told me, then I would tell her that it was OK; that I already knew. I do have a best friend any I hide absolutely nothing from her |
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By *osieWoman
over a year ago
Wembley |
"I guess I am too old-fashioned for this site
I don't think people should cheat on their partners
If my best friend was being cheated on, I would tell her. Just as I would like to be told if I was being cheated on
But what if your best friend had got it wrong?
In what way?
She would need to be 100% sure she had her facts right, some things could be wrongly taken out of context.
Anything is possible
But if she saw him at a swingers club and I wasn't aware that he was going to be there, then other than a case of mistaken identity, I don't know what she could have gotten wrong
Just because the ops friend didn't know the guy was going to be there doesn't mean his wife didn't either.
The situation would have been interpreted by someone who knew nothing about the relationship from the inside. "
Well, your comment demonstrates that your _iews are different from mine. You will do what you think is correct and I will do what I think is correct |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would talk to the man - see if I can persuade him to tell his partner himself, try to get him to see that their relationship is under constant risk everytime he plays out without her knowledge, m x |
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"I guess I am too old-fashioned for this site
I don't think people should cheat on their partners
If my best friend was being cheated on, I would tell her. Just as I would like to be told if I was being cheated on
But what if your best friend had got it wrong?
In what way?
She would need to be 100% sure she had her facts right, some things could be wrongly taken out of context.
Anything is possible
But if she saw him at a swingers club and I wasn't aware that he was going to be there, then other than a case of mistaken identity, I don't know what she could have gotten wrong
Just because the ops friend didn't know the guy was going to be there doesn't mean his wife didn't either.
The situation would have been interpreted by someone who knew nothing about the relationship from the inside.
Well, your comment demonstrates that your _iews are different from mine. You will do what you think is correct and I will do what I think is correct"
And that's how it should be, no? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
It would have depended on which friend for me.. but id also have not hidden and would have asked him where so and so was....
Id hope that my friend's would tell me if it was me that was being cheated on but id expect proof.. |
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By *andemanMan
over a year ago
bedforshire |
"No I would only ever interfere in somebody else's relationship if abuse physical or mental was taking place.
Nobody ever knows about other people's marriages, the dynamic between them and what holds them together and its arrogant in my opinion to assume that you're acting in somebody's best interest where personal relationships are concerned.
Very wise comment "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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No I wouldn't tell. And if I was on the receiving end I would be absolutely furious that a supposedly close friend had interfered in my relationship by telling me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"No I wouldn't tell. And if I was on the receiving end I would be absolutely furious that a supposedly close friend had interfered in my relationship by telling me."
shows we are all different.. id be furious if a close friend had not told me and count it as a betrayal nearly as big as my partner cheating x
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By *andemanMan
over a year ago
bedforshire |
Look lets be honest a large number of people on the scene are, "cheating", male and female alike.
If your friend tells her friend what benifit does it give her? Is losing her marrage so valuable to her?
The reasons the man has for cheating maybe the the answer to keeping the marrage going. You remove that you end the marrage.
Also your friend is assuming that her friend does not know he is doing it.
As someone else said its arrogent to assume we know the dynamics of someone elses relationship.
Frankly unless he is going bareback (health risk) its no one elses buisness. So dont talk to him either unless she wants to fuck him, in which case does she want his marraige to end so she can have him? Its swinging she can have him.without the mess if she wants. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"No I wouldn't tell. And if I was on the receiving end I would be absolutely furious that a supposedly close friend had interfered in my relationship by telling me. shows we are all different.. id be furious if a close friend had not told me and count it as a betrayal nearly as big as my partner cheating x"
If a friend told me, we wouldn't be friends for much longer because they obviously didn't understand me at all. Quite often when people want to tell, it's not for the other person's benefit anyway, it's for their own. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Just as a follow-up to all this. She decided to NOT tell her friend. I think it was the right decision.
So do I.
You never, ever know the dynamic of another couple's relationship. I think it's arrogant to assume that your truth is their truth."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"No I wouldn't tell. And if I was on the receiving end I would be absolutely furious that a supposedly close friend had interfered in my relationship by telling me. shows we are all different.. id be furious if a close friend had not told me and count it as a betrayal nearly as big as my partner cheating x
If a friend told me, we wouldn't be friends for much longer because they obviously didn't understand me at all. Quite often when people want to tell, it's not for the other person's benefit anyway, it's for their own. "
and thats where it counts. My friends would know that not telling me would be the worst possible thing and if i found out they knew and hadnt told me then that would be that.. id more likely forgive the cheater than the friend that let me be made a fool of... odd logic but its mine. X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If a friend told me, we wouldn't be friends for much longer because they obviously didn't understand me at all. Quite often when people want to tell, it's not for the other person's benefit anyway, it's for their own. "
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By *osieWoman
over a year ago
Wembley |
"I guess I am too old-fashioned for this site
I don't think people should cheat on their partners
If my best friend was being cheated on, I would tell her. Just as I would like to be told if I was being cheated on
But what if your best friend had got it wrong?
In what way?
She would need to be 100% sure she had her facts right, some things could be wrongly taken out of context.
Anything is possible
But if she saw him at a swingers club and I wasn't aware that he was going to be there, then other than a case of mistaken identity, I don't know what she could have gotten wrong
Just because the ops friend didn't know the guy was going to be there doesn't mean his wife didn't either.
The situation would have been interpreted by someone who knew nothing about the relationship from the inside.
Well, your comment demonstrates that your _iews are different from mine. You will do what you think is correct and I will do what I think is correct
And that's how it should be, no? "
Yes, that is how it should be
Question for you. Since we are discussing hypothetical situations, what if your husband WAS cheating on you and your best friend knew that. Would you want her to to tell you or would you want her not to tell you because:
1) she could have got it wrong
2) she might think that you already know about this and might get embarrassed if she told you
3) it is none of her business |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Just as a follow-up to all this. She decided to NOT tell her friend. I think it was the right decision.
So do I.
You never, ever know the dynamic of another couple's relationship. I think it's arrogant to assume that your truth is their truth."
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"I guess I am too old-fashioned for this site
I don't think people should cheat on their partners
If my best friend was being cheated on, I would tell her. Just as I would like to be told if I was being cheated on
But what if your best friend had got it wrong?
In what way?
She would need to be 100% sure she had her facts right, some things could be wrongly taken out of context.
Anything is possible
But if she saw him at a swingers club and I wasn't aware that he was going to be there, then other than a case of mistaken identity, I don't know what she could have gotten wrong
Just because the ops friend didn't know the guy was going to be there doesn't mean his wife didn't either.
The situation would have been interpreted by someone who knew nothing about the relationship from the inside.
Well, your comment demonstrates that your _iews are different from mine. You will do what you think is correct and I will do what I think is correct
And that's how it should be, no?
Yes, that is how it should be
Question for you. Since we are discussing hypothetical situations, what if your husband WAS cheating on you and your best friend knew that. Would you want her to to tell you or would you want her not to tell you because:
1) she could have got it wrong
2) she might think that you already know about this and might get embarrassed if she told you
3) it is none of her business "
I wouldn't want her to tell me for many reasons. Our emotional marriage is between the two of us, nobody else. |
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By *osieWoman
over a year ago
Wembley |
"I guess I am too old-fashioned for this site
I don't think people should cheat on their partners
If my best friend was being cheated on, I would tell her. Just as I would like to be told if I was being cheated on
But what if your best friend had got it wrong?
In what way?
She would need to be 100% sure she had her facts right, some things could be wrongly taken out of context.
Anything is possible
But if she saw him at a swingers club and I wasn't aware that he was going to be there, then other than a case of mistaken identity, I don't know what she could have gotten wrong
Just because the ops friend didn't know the guy was going to be there doesn't mean his wife didn't either.
The situation would have been interpreted by someone who knew nothing about the relationship from the inside.
Well, your comment demonstrates that your _iews are different from mine. You will do what you think is correct and I will do what I think is correct
And that's how it should be, no?
Yes, that is how it should be
Question for you. Since we are discussing hypothetical situations, what if your husband WAS cheating on you and your best friend knew that. Would you want her to to tell you or would you want her not to tell you because:
1) she could have got it wrong
2) she might think that you already know about this and might get embarrassed if she told you
3) it is none of her business
I wouldn't want her to tell me for many reasons. Our emotional marriage is between the two of us, nobody else."
And then there are others, myself included, who would want their BEST friend to tell them for many reasons
So, one size does not fit all |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
What some people see as cheating, other people don't, so there are so many factors to consider. As always, cheating is never as black and white as first appears. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I guess I am too old-fashioned for this site
I don't think people should cheat on their partners
If my best friend was being cheated on, I would tell her. Just as I would like to be told if I was being cheated on
But what if your best friend had got it wrong?
In what way?
She would need to be 100% sure she had her facts right, some things could be wrongly taken out of context.
Anything is possible
But if she saw him at a swingers club and I wasn't aware that he was going to be there, then other than a case of mistaken identity, I don't know what she could have gotten wrong
Just because the ops friend didn't know the guy was going to be there doesn't mean his wife didn't either.
The situation would have been interpreted by someone who knew nothing about the relationship from the inside.
Well, your comment demonstrates that your _iews are different from mine. You will do what you think is correct and I will do what I think is correct
And that's how it should be, no?
Yes, that is how it should be
Question for you. Since we are discussing hypothetical situations, what if your husband WAS cheating on you and your best friend knew that. Would you want her to to tell you or would you want her not to tell you because:
1) she could have got it wrong
2) she might think that you already know about this and might get embarrassed if she told you
3) it is none of her business
I wouldn't want her to tell me for many reasons. Our emotional marriage is between the two of us, nobody else.
And then there are others, myself included, who would want their BEST friend to tell them for many reasons
So, one size does not fit all"
No it doesn't fit all.
My BEST friend knows how I feel on the matter & I know how she does too.
What works for her doesn't work for me |
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By *osieWoman
over a year ago
Wembley |
"What some people see as cheating, other people don't, so there are so many factors to consider. As always, cheating is never as black and white as first appears."
Cheating is when one partner betrays the trust of the other
How anyone sees it after that depends on whether they are the cheater or the one being cheated on |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What some people see as cheating, other people don't, so there are so many factors to consider. As always, cheating is never as black and white as first appears.
Cheating is when one partner betrays the trust of the other
How anyone sees it after that depends on whether they are the cheater or the one being cheated on"
I disagree. Some say that a man visiting a lap dance club is cheating, to me that isn't cheating at all. Different people have different opinions and that's a good thing |
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"I guess I am too old-fashioned for this site
I don't think people should cheat on their partners
If my best friend was being cheated on, I would tell her. Just as I would like to be told if I was being cheated on
But what if your best friend had got it wrong?
In what way?
She would need to be 100% sure she had her facts right, some things could be wrongly taken out of context.
Anything is possible
But if she saw him at a swingers club and I wasn't aware that he was going to be there, then other than a case of mistaken identity, I don't know what she could have gotten wrong
Just because the ops friend didn't know the guy was going to be there doesn't mean his wife didn't either.
The situation would have been interpreted by someone who knew nothing about the relationship from the inside. "
Exactly!
You never know the dynamics of a relationship. My other half likes dogging I like my subs. Our friends don't know that.
If a friend came and told me he'd seen Ben at a dogging site I would drop the friendship as I wouldn't want them thinking I was being cheated on etc. |
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"No I wouldn't tell. And if I was on the receiving end I would be absolutely furious that a supposedly close friend had interfered in my relationship by telling me."
another reason why I'd drop the friendship too. |
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"No I wouldn't tell. And if I was on the receiving end I would be absolutely furious that a supposedly close friend had interfered in my relationship by telling me. shows we are all different.. id be furious if a close friend had not told me and count it as a betrayal nearly as big as my partner cheating x
If a friend told me, we wouldn't be friends for much longer because they obviously didn't understand me at all. Quite often when people want to tell, it's not for the other person's benefit anyway, it's for their own. "
Agreed! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I guess I am too old-fashioned for this site
I don't think people should cheat on their partners
If my best friend was being cheated on, I would tell her. Just as I would like to be told if I was being cheated on
But what if your best friend had got it wrong?
In what way?
She would need to be 100% sure she had her facts right, some things could be wrongly taken out of context.
Anything is possible
But if she saw him at a swingers club and I wasn't aware that he was going to be there, then other than a case of mistaken identity, I don't know what she could have gotten wrong
Just because the ops friend didn't know the guy was going to be there doesn't mean his wife didn't either.
The situation would have been interpreted by someone who knew nothing about the relationship from the inside.
Exactly!
You never know the dynamics of a relationship. My other half likes dogging I like my subs. Our friends don't know that.
If a friend came and told me he'd seen Ben at a dogging site I would drop the friendship as I wouldn't want them thinking I was being cheated on etc."
It's a concept some can't seem to grasp |
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I wouldn't get involved. Many reasons why not have already been very well presented; no matter how close you are to a friend, even your bestest friend in the whole wide world....there are probably still things you wouldn't tell them about your marriage, or if you do, then it's only through the own filter which may bear no resemblance to what the other half would say about the same thing.
There are some who insist on the 'truth', what's that then? Your truth? Her truth? His truth?
People tend to find their own dynamics in marriage and get along quite happily with what works for them and sometimes having that ripped away can be more devastating than the actual transgression.
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"What some people see as cheating, other people don't, so there are so many factors to consider. As always, cheating is never as black and white as first appears.
Cheating is when one partner betrays the trust of the other
How anyone sees it after that depends on whether they are the cheater or the one being cheated on"
Deja vue from yesterdays similar thread. Unfortunately you'll never get some people to agree with you on whether it's right or wrong but I've noticed that the more vociferous forumites who think nothing's wrong if you cheat on a partner are the ones who are cheating on their partner. |
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By *osieWoman
over a year ago
Wembley |
"What some people see as cheating, other people don't, so there are so many factors to consider. As always, cheating is never as black and white as first appears.
Cheating is when one partner betrays the trust of the other
How anyone sees it after that depends on whether they are the cheater or the one being cheated on
Deja vue from yesterdays similar thread. Unfortunately you'll never get some people to agree with you on whether it's right or wrong but I've noticed that the more vociferous forumites who think nothing's wrong if you cheat on a partner are the ones who are cheating on their partner."
I figured that one out after reading their profiles 
Ofcourse a cheater will say that it is AOK by them. Wonder what their partner will say who has their trust abused and them humiliated; that it is AOK too?
I would not touch a married or attached person whose partner is unaware, with a 10 foot barge-pole mounted on an extension |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
It's a difficult one and to be honest I don't think I could answer definitively unless I was actually in that situation myself. That said, if it was me I would want to be told if it was my husband / partner
Kinky  |
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"I guess I am too old-fashioned for this site
I don't think people should cheat on their partners
If my best friend was being cheated on, I would tell her. Just as I would like to be told if I was being cheated on
But what if your best friend had got it wrong?
In what way?
She would need to be 100% sure she had her facts right, some things could be wrongly taken out of context.
Anything is possible
But if she saw him at a swingers club and I wasn't aware that he was going to be there, then other than a case of mistaken identity, I don't know what she could have gotten wrong
Just because the ops friend didn't know the guy was going to be there doesn't mean his wife didn't either.
The situation would have been interpreted by someone who knew nothing about the relationship from the inside.
Well, your comment demonstrates that your _iews are different from mine. You will do what you think is correct and I will do what I think is correct
And that's how it should be, no?
Yes, that is how it should be
Question for you. Since we are discussing hypothetical situations, what if your husband WAS cheating on you and your best friend knew that. Would you want her to to tell you or would you want her not to tell you because:
1) she could have got it wrong
2) she might think that you already know about this and might get embarrassed if she told you
3) it is none of her business
I wouldn't want her to tell me for many reasons. Our emotional marriage is between the two of us, nobody else.
And then there are others, myself included, who would want their BEST friend to tell them for many reasons
So, one size does not fit all"
No it doesn't and that's why I wouldn't assume I knew what size fitted my best friend's marriage.
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By *osieWoman
over a year ago
Wembley |
"I guess I am too old-fashioned for this site
I don't think people should cheat on their partners
If my best friend was being cheated on, I would tell her. Just as I would like to be told if I was being cheated on
But what if your best friend had got it wrong?
In what way?
She would need to be 100% sure she had her facts right, some things could be wrongly taken out of context.
Anything is possible
But if she saw him at a swingers club and I wasn't aware that he was going to be there, then other than a case of mistaken identity, I don't know what she could have gotten wrong
Just because the ops friend didn't know the guy was going to be there doesn't mean his wife didn't either.
The situation would have been interpreted by someone who knew nothing about the relationship from the inside.
Well, your comment demonstrates that your _iews are different from mine. You will do what you think is correct and I will do what I think is correct
And that's how it should be, no?
Yes, that is how it should be
Question for you. Since we are discussing hypothetical situations, what if your husband WAS cheating on you and your best friend knew that. Would you want her to to tell you or would you want her not to tell you because:
1) she could have got it wrong
2) she might think that you already know about this and might get embarrassed if she told you
3) it is none of her business
I wouldn't want her to tell me for many reasons. Our emotional marriage is between the two of us, nobody else.
And then there are others, myself included, who would want their BEST friend to tell them for many reasons
So, one size does not fit all
No it doesn't and that's why I wouldn't assume I knew what size fitted my best friend's marriage.
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Totally agree. If you know that your best friend would rather not know from you then you should not tell her
I know everything about my best friend and she knows everything about me. I don't know that much about my other friends and so probably would not tell them if their partner was cheating on them. But my best friend, oh yeah, I will |
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