FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > Not strictly swinging but....
Not strictly swinging but....
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I am interested in a particular lifestyle.
I had no idea it had a name until I admitted to someone it was something I'd always wanted. I'd thought it was weird of me.
But it turns out it's not, well not that weird. I'm talking abut Polyamory and my desire for a closed MFM triad.
How does one even begin to find men interested in this? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Interesting question. I would imagine that it would take a more emotional and mental connection before sexual. So possibly it would have to come from more traditional meeting methods where people are after something more long term and not as rooted in the physical. Where that would be I don't know tho! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think some sites may be better than others. I recall seeing a lot more of that on OKcupid than anywhere else so that may be worth a try? And I guess just be honest. State what your ideals are and see what happens. You may need to wait a while but probably will be less time than lots of false starts. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The good thing is tho is that you have figured it out now and any time spent on it is only moving you forwards towards what you want. It's that first step that never needs taking again and that will lead to everything else eventually. The beginning of your ideal life. I think that's wonderful and makes me feel very happy for you. |
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"Just be honest in any profiles you are putting up and see what responses you get. . How much would you want the guys to have a relationship? ? Just friends. . Bi straight etc"
You're right, I've even put this sort of thing in my current profile. |
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"The good thing is tho is that you have figured it out now and any time spent on it is only moving you forwards towards what you want. It's that first step that never needs taking again and that will lead to everything else eventually. The beginning of your ideal life. I think that's wonderful and makes me feel very happy for you. "
That's true and thank you  |
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"have alook on the well known fetish lifestyle site there are groupsand discusions for those interested and involved in polyamoury "
I've done that, I keep getting messages from people wanting to tie me up and abuse me  |
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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago
carrbrook stalybridge |
"have alook on the well known fetish lifestyle site there are groupsand discusions for those interested and involved in polyamoury
I've done that, I keep getting messages from people wanting to tie me up and abuse me "
just put in your profile what you are looking for and it will usualy stop . its the same as here newbie pops up and all the desperadoes jump in |
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"just put in your profile what you are looking for and it will usualy stop . its the same as here newbie pops up and all the desperadoes jump in "
Done that too. Not gone back to look for a while though so maybe I should. |
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"just sounds a bit selfish to me.
You could be right, but if all 3 are in a relationship then no one is having to share as such."
There are two " versions" of polyamory;
One is the " ménage à trois " ( or more than trois) ie a ( semi) permanent arrangement , in which the participants may or may not live together ( but that's more like polygamy )
Or where you have a small number of long term relationships with people; who also have the same: but not all with each other; I would pm you to explain more but I am outside your filters....
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There are Polyamory websites for dating but be careful as some show your profile on lots of other sites owned by the same company so you get people messaging who have no interest in polygamy! |
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"There are Polyamory websites for dating but be careful as some show your profile on lots of other sites owned by the same company so you get people messaging who have no interest in polygamy!"
I'd not want that, thank you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Traditionally a relationship is based on two people who want to put their everything into each other . Love , trust , sharing and caring to name but a few parts which make a relationship what it is .
I don't know about how anyone can decide that they want to share all these emotions and feelings with 2 men , without even having one or two men in mind is hard to understand .
But then I'm not single , and I wouldn't swing without my wife - who makes me who I am , and vice versa .
Sorry for rambling , but do you have 2 types of men in mind ?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I am interested in a particular lifestyle.
I had no idea it had a name until I admitted to someone it was something I'd always wanted. I'd thought it was weird of me.
But it turns out it's not, well not that weird. I'm talking abut Polyamory and my desire for a closed MFM triad.
How does one even begin to find men interested in this? "
this is what interests me 2 X |
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"There are Polyamory websites for dating but be careful as some show your profile on lots of other sites owned by the same company so you get people messaging who have no interest in polygamy!"
Polyamory and Polygamy are not the same thing ..... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"just sounds a bit selfish to me.
Why is it selfish to share your life with several people?"
well,
if I said I'd like two women to be my girlfriends,as committed relationships I think thatd be a bit selfish.I'm tying two people to me.
So instead of finding that one person to love and adore me..I ask for two...
shall I let them have another lover too?
I'd rather stay single than venture into committed multiple relationships.
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"Traditionally a relationship is based on two people who want to put their everything into each other . Love , trust , sharing and caring to name but a few parts which make a relationship what it is .
I don't know about how anyone can decide that they want to share all these emotions and feelings with 2 men , without even having one or two men in mind is hard to understand .
But then I'm not single , and I wouldn't swing without my wife - who makes me who I am , and vice versa .
Sorry for rambling , but do you have 2 types of men in mind ?
"
It's hard to explain but I've always felt this would be the right way to live for me. I don't have any men in mind.
I've been in long relationships and never felt right.
I can't give you a sensible answer  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"just sounds a bit selfish to me.
Why is it selfish to share your life with several people?
well,
if I said I'd like two women to be my girlfriends,as committed relationships I think thatd be a bit selfish.I'm tying two people to me.
So instead of finding that one person to love and adore me..I ask for two...
shall I let them have another lover too?
I'd rather stay single than venture into committed multiple relationships.
"
You don't "let" women do anything. Women choose to do whatever they want.
That's the secret, really. |
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"just sounds a bit selfish to me.
Why is it selfish to share your life with several people?
well,
if I said I'd like two women to be my girlfriends,as committed relationships I think thatd be a bit selfish.I'm tying two people to me.
So instead of finding that one person to love and adore me..I ask for two...
shall I let them have another lover too?
I'd rather stay single than venture into committed multiple relationships.
"
I don't blame you, it's not necessarily the right thing. But if those two women loved each other as well, that wouldn't be selfish? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Traditionally a relationship is based on two people who want to put their everything into each other . Love , trust , sharing and caring to name but a few parts which make a relationship what it is .
I don't know about how anyone can decide that they want to share all these emotions and feelings with 2 men , without even having one or two men in mind is hard to understand .
But then I'm not single , and I wouldn't swing without my wife - who makes me who I am , and vice versa .
Sorry for rambling , but do you have 2 types of men in mind ?
"
Some of us just don't feel the need to constrain our feelings for just one person. That seems unnatural to me. It's a bit like having to choose only one child to have feelings for. My body doesn't work that way.
I have feelings for as many people who come into my life that attract my attention. My feelings aren't a finite resource. |
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"Some of us just don't feel the need to constrain our feelings for just one person. That seems unnatural to me. It's a bit like having to choose only one child to have feelings for. My body doesn't work that way.
I have feelings for as many people who come into my life that attract my attention. My feelings aren't a finite resource."
Yes this 
Though I do know that being with one man feels stifling, so much is expected of you. I never want that again. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Some of us just don't feel the need to constrain our feelings for just one person. That seems unnatural to me. It's a bit like having to choose only one child to have feelings for. My body doesn't work that way.
I have feelings for as many people who come into my life that attract my attention. My feelings aren't a finite resource.
Yes this
Though I do know that being with one man feels stifling, so much is expected of you. I never want that again."
I feel the same way.
I could not do that again.
But equally I could also not do the kind of 'closed' relationship that you are looking for, I'd also find that very, very stifling. However one of my friends has that setup, she lives with her two male partners (who do not have a relationship with each other) and she has a couple of very well adjusted teenage kids. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"just sounds a bit selfish to me.
Why is it selfish to share your life with several people?
well,
if I said I'd like two women to be my girlfriends,as committed relationships I think thatd be a bit selfish.I'm tying two people to me.
So instead of finding that one person to love and adore me..I ask for two...
shall I let them have another lover too?
I'd rather stay single than venture into committed multiple relationships.
You don't "let" women do anything. Women choose to do whatever they want.
That's the secret, really."
dont twist it out of context wasp, the "let" aspect goes both ways..regardless of the sex.
I've met polys in the past..some way before I even ventured into the swinging scene..I seen some messed up stuff.Some people just arent capable of the mental strain, and of course some will abuse that.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"just sounds a bit selfish to me.
Why is it selfish to share your life with several people?
well,
if I said I'd like two women to be my girlfriends,as committed relationships I think thatd be a bit selfish.I'm tying two people to me.
So instead of finding that one person to love and adore me..I ask for two...
shall I let them have another lover too?
I'd rather stay single than venture into committed multiple relationships.
You don't "let" women do anything. Women choose to do whatever they want.
That's the secret, really.
dont twist it out of context wasp, the "let" aspect goes both ways..regardless of the sex.
I've met polys in the past..some way before I even ventured into the swinging scene..I seen some messed up stuff.Some people just arent capable of the mental strain, and of course some will abuse that.
"
Some people aren't capable of the mental straight of monogamy. Some people will abuse monogamy.
There are all sorts of people in the world. Some are monogamous, some are polyamorous, and some of us just do whatever we fancy without hurting anybody.
There's an option for everyone. And it's not automatically selfish to be intimately involved with more than one person. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Also - I don't 'let' any of my partners do anything. They do whatever they want. I have no control whatsoever about what they do. I find it's better that way, to not hold power over other humans. It suits me. |
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"But equally I could also not do the kind of 'closed' relationship that you are looking for, I'd also find that very, very stifling. However one of my friends has that setup, she lives with her two male partners (who do not have a relationship with each other) and she has a couple of very well adjusted teenage kids."
Does this work for her then? I guess I don't want to have to be everything to one person.
Maybe that is selfish? |
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"just sounds a bit selfish to me.
Why is it selfish to share your life with several people?
well,
if I said I'd like two women to be my girlfriends,as committed relationships I think thatd be a bit selfish.I'm tying two people to me.
So instead of finding that one person to love and adore me..I ask for two...
shall I let them have another lover too?
I'd rather stay single than venture into committed multiple relationships.
"
That's really cool, for you.
But everyone is different. And people being different to you are not automatically "selfish".
I also feel that you thinking a woman being in a relationship is equal to being "tied" to you to be quite a problematic concept, as well as quite revealing of your take on relationships...
All relationships I've had have been mutually beneficial, loving, and I haven't ever felt like I was "tied" to anyone. And if people feel they can do that with more than one person, what is inherently wrong with that? |
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"But equally I could also not do the kind of 'closed' relationship that you are looking for, I'd also find that very, very stifling. However one of my friends has that setup, she lives with her two male partners (who do not have a relationship with each other) and she has a couple of very well adjusted teenage kids.
Does this work for her then? I guess I don't want to have to be everything to one person.
Maybe that is selfish?"
I think that's as selfish as *wanting* to be everything to one person.
All our desires are valid and legitimate. It's about finding someone with desires that interlock well, for peaceful coexistence.  |
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"I think that's as selfish as *wanting* to be everything to one person.
All our desires are valid and legitimate. It's about finding someone with desires that interlock well, for peaceful coexistence. "
You're right |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"But equally I could also not do the kind of 'closed' relationship that you are looking for, I'd also find that very, very stifling. However one of my friends has that setup, she lives with her two male partners (who do not have a relationship with each other) and she has a couple of very well adjusted teenage kids.
Does this work for her then? I guess I don't want to have to be everything to one person.
Maybe that is selfish?"
They've been married (to one of them) and living together as a three for over twenty years. So they must be doing something right.
My long term partner has also been living with his long term open partner for twenty years, so these things can and do last. They can also fail - but so can monogamy. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Also - I don't 'let' any of my partners do anything. They do whatever they want. I have no control whatsoever about what they do. I find it's better that way, to not hold power over other humans. It suits me."
That's a good way to live. I live that way. I have one partner but we do live that way. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"just sounds a bit selfish to me.
Why is it selfish to share your life with several people?
well,
if I said I'd like two women to be my girlfriends,as committed relationships I think thatd be a bit selfish.I'm tying two people to me.
So instead of finding that one person to love and adore me..I ask for two...
shall I let them have another lover too?
I'd rather stay single than venture into committed multiple relationships.
You don't "let" women do anything. Women choose to do whatever they want.
That's the secret, really.
dont twist it out of context wasp, the "let" aspect goes both ways..regardless of the sex.
I've met polys in the past..some way before I even ventured into the swinging scene..I seen some messed up stuff.Some people just arent capable of the mental strain, and of course some will abuse that.
Some people aren't capable of the mental straight of monogamy. Some people will abuse monogamy.
There are all sorts of people in the world. Some are monogamous, some are polyamorous, and some of us just do whatever we fancy without hurting anybody.
There's an option for everyone. And it's not automatically selfish to be intimately involved with more than one person."
with nothing to back myself up with, I'll just say i think its quite rare that it works for many.
Even on this scene, having seen many a man/woman looking for 'regular', often failing because they or their partners just simply dont want the hassles of a full on relationship based on exclusivity.
I've met two women with whom I was in full relationships with (at separate times lol) from here over the years..
I just think having more than one relationship at the same time may be much more than some people can chew on...when its hard enough dealing with one. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"But equally I could also not do the kind of 'closed' relationship that you are looking for, I'd also find that very, very stifling. However one of my friends has that setup, she lives with her two male partners (who do not have a relationship with each other) and she has a couple of very well adjusted teenage kids.
Does this work for her then? I guess I don't want to have to be everything to one person.
Maybe that is selfish?
They've been married (to one of them) and living together as a three for over twenty years. So they must be doing something right.
My long term partner has also been living with his long term open partner for twenty years, so these things can and do last. They can also fail - but so can monogamy."
I guess if a poly relationship doesn't work , at least there's a chance there's still someone left , and you're not alone |
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with nothing to back myself up with, I'll just say i think its quite rare that it works for many.
Even on this scene, having seen many a man/woman looking for 'regular', often failing because they or their partners just simply dont want the hassles of a full on relationship based on exclusivity.
I've met two women with whom I was in full relationships with (at separate times lol) from here over the years..
I just think having more than one relationship at the same time may be much more than some people can chew on...when its hard enough dealing with one."
Having just one relationship can be much more than some people can chew on. And the number of partners is rarely the reason for failure.
Interestingly, my experience of mono/poly relationships is opposite to yours.
More monogamous relationships I've known my social circle to have have ended, than polyamorous.
So, here we learn that anecdote =/= evidence. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"But equally I could also not do the kind of 'closed' relationship that you are looking for, I'd also find that very, very stifling. However one of my friends has that setup, she lives with her two male partners (who do not have a relationship with each other) and she has a couple of very well adjusted teenage kids.
Does this work for her then? I guess I don't want to have to be everything to one person.
Maybe that is selfish?
They've been married (to one of them) and living together as a three for over twenty years. So they must be doing something right.
My long term partner has also been living with his long term open partner for twenty years, so these things can and do last. They can also fail - but so can monogamy.
I guess if a poly relationship doesn't work , at least there's a chance there's still someone left , and you're not alone "
I mean, I know thats something people often say in jest - but I've been through two really tough breakups since being with my long term partner and it *is* easier when you've got a really, really great friend to go through that with. Someone who knows and understands the situation. And the other way round too - supporting him through a relationship break up was a touching thing to do that ultimately brought us closer. I couldn't go back to pretending to be monogamous. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
with nothing to back myself up with, I'll just say i think its quite rare that it works for many.
Even on this scene, having seen many a man/woman looking for 'regular', often failing because they or their partners just simply dont want the hassles of a full on relationship based on exclusivity.
I've met two women with whom I was in full relationships with (at separate times lol) from here over the years..
I just think having more than one relationship at the same time may be much more than some people can chew on...when its hard enough dealing with one.
Having just one relationship can be much more than some people can chew on. And the number of partners is rarely the reason for failure.
Interestingly, my experience of mono/poly relationships is opposite to yours.
More monogamous relationships I've known my social circle to have have ended, than polyamorous.
So, here we learn that anecdote =/= evidence."
Thinking about my friendship circle - which is pretty damn diverse - most of the 20+ year relationships in my friendship circle are poly.
I mean, lots of my poly friends also have shorter transitional relationships - but those are rarely 'failures' they just run their course and move on. Most of my friends don't subscribe to the idea that you have to commit to people forever. You just spend time with people until it doesn't feel good to spend time with them any more. |
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Some people find it difficult to understand that it is possible to have close ( but 121) non exclusive relationships with more than one person.
And that those people can do the same.
And that also means that all the people in that grouping may not know anyone else in the group ( though they will know about them).
It requires a very " non jealous " mindset. And no - one " owns " anyone, or " let's" anyone do anything, as they are all independent people. ( and usually all live separately , too) |
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"Thinking about my friendship circle - which is pretty damn diverse - most of the 20+ year relationships in my friendship circle are poly.
I mean, lots of my poly friends also have shorter transitional relationships - but those are rarely 'failures' they just run their course and move on. Most of my friends don't subscribe to the idea that you have to commit to people forever. You just spend time with people until it doesn't feel good to spend time with them any more."
That's definitely more what I meant - that the longer relationships within my friends are poly. lol. |
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"
with nothing to back myself up with, I'll just say i think its quite rare that it works for many.
Even on this scene, having seen many a man/woman looking for 'regular', often failing because they or their partners just simply dont want the hassles of a full on relationship based on exclusivity.
I've met two women with whom I was in full relationships with (at separate times lol) from here over the years..
I just think having more than one relationship at the same time may be much more than some people can chew on...when its hard enough dealing with one.
Having just one relationship can be much more than some people can chew on. And the number of partners is rarely the reason for failure.
Interestingly, my experience of mono/poly relationships is opposite to yours.
More monogamous relationships I've known my social circle to have have ended, than polyamorous.
So, here we learn that anecdote =/= evidence.
Thinking about my friendship circle - which is pretty damn diverse - most of the 20+ year relationships in my friendship circle are poly.
I mean, lots of my poly friends also have shorter transitional relationships - but those are rarely 'failures' they just run their course and move on. Most of my friends don't subscribe to the idea that you have to commit to people forever. You just spend time with people until it doesn't feel good to spend time with them any more."
Exactly
Bur most people can't " get" that sort of thinking ....
Then you do that and realise it's eminently sensible |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"just sounds a bit selfish to me.
Why is it selfish to share your life with several people?
well,
if I said I'd like two women to be my girlfriends,as committed relationships I think thatd be a bit selfish.I'm tying two people to me.
So instead of finding that one person to love and adore me..I ask for two...
shall I let them have another lover too?
I'd rather stay single than venture into committed multiple relationships.
That's really cool, for you.
But everyone is different. And people being different to you are not automatically "selfish".
I also feel that you thinking a woman being in a relationship is equal to being "tied" to you to be quite a problematic concept, as well as quite revealing of your take on relationships...
All relationships I've had have been mutually beneficial, loving, and I haven't ever felt like I was "tied" to anyone. And if people feel they can do that with more than one person, what is inherently wrong with that?"
as I said before its not gender specific who is tied to whom.
subject A wont be happy that subject B gets to be with subject C at certain times.Subject A might decide if they arent getting subject C tonite they might as well hunt for subject D.But what will subject C think when they ask subject A's activities....subject C then thinks subject A has been unfaithful..etc etc..
it does happen alot on fab itself, whether the people class themselves as poly-of-sorts or not...most end up deleting their profile(not before some seriously shitty statuses about the other) and start again...
yup I'm a cynic |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
as I said before its not gender specific who is tied to whom.
subject A wont be happy that subject B gets to be with subject C at certain times.Subject A might decide if they arent getting subject C tonite they might as well hunt for subject D.But what will subject C think when they ask subject A's activities....subject C then thinks subject A has been unfaithful..etc etc..
it does happen alot on fab itself, whether the people class themselves as poly-of-sorts or not...most end up deleting their profile(not before some seriously shitty statuses about the other) and start again...
yup I'm a cynic"
Some people find being non-monogamous really difficult. Non-monogamy might not be for that person.
But honestly - we just run a few google calendars. It sorts out all the logistics without anyone letting anyone do stuff, or without being tied to people.
Also there's no such thing as unfaithful in lots of variations of non-monogamy - only acting outside of negotiated boundaries (although I don't have negotiated boundaries in any of my relationships personally).
Plus we don't really ask about peoples activities. If my partners want to tell me about their other partners then they can do so, but it seems kind of invasive to ask about their private lives. I just trust them to be doing good things with their life. |
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"just sounds a bit selfish to me.
Why is it selfish to share your life with several people?
well,
if I said I'd like two women to be my girlfriends,as committed relationships I think thatd be a bit selfish.I'm tying two people to me.
So instead of finding that one person to love and adore me..I ask for two...
shall I let them have another lover too?
I'd rather stay single than venture into committed multiple relationships.
That's really cool, for you.
But everyone is different. And people being different to you are not automatically "selfish".
I also feel that you thinking a woman being in a relationship is equal to being "tied" to you to be quite a problematic concept, as well as quite revealing of your take on relationships...
All relationships I've had have been mutually beneficial, loving, and I haven't ever felt like I was "tied" to anyone. And if people feel they can do that with more than one person, what is inherently wrong with that?
as I said before its not gender specific who is tied to whom.
subject A wont be happy that subject B gets to be with subject C at certain times.Subject A might decide if they arent getting subject C tonite they might as well hunt for subject D.But what will subject C think when they ask subject A's activities....subject C then thinks subject A has been unfaithful..etc etc..
it does happen alot on fab itself, whether the people class themselves as poly-of-sorts or not...most end up deleting their profile(not before some seriously shitty statuses about the other) and start again...
yup I'm a cynic"
But it is perfectly possible when you do this with people that understand it; no-one "belongs" to anyone , and anyone should gets possessive gets dumped pdq.
But you make sure that you avoid anyone who wants to be possessive on the first place. And it takes time to find the " right" people. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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*I'll add I havent really any bad ex's..mostly we still chat etc..or hook up if single, and of course be happy if we find someone relationship wise.
I've said many a time, I wouldnt be a fuck buddy couple..unless we classed ourselves as a real couple(that means the usual shit of meeting my dad,nanna,nieces,nephews etc etc)..
I'd rather be pals that just occasionally meet up..and are free to do what we want, when we want and who. |
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"as I said before its not gender specific who is tied to whom.
subject A wont be happy that subject B gets to be with subject C at certain times.Subject A might decide if they arent getting subject C tonite they might as well hunt for subject D.But what will subject C think when they ask subject A's activities....subject C then thinks subject A has been unfaithful..etc etc..
it does happen alot on fab itself, whether the people class themselves as poly-of-sorts or not...most end up deleting their profile(not before some seriously shitty statuses about the other) and start again...
yup I'm a cynic"
I only used the gendered language because you did in your example, talking about "girlfriends". I know gender has nothing to do with it.
Also, in your ABCD example, it seems to me that no one is communicating.... which is just an indication of a shit relationship, poly or not. And, as Wasp has said, in poly (and, I hope, all) relationships, there are set boundaries.
Also, the way you talk about poly relationships reflects a very stereotypical view that people often have about people in poly relationships, which is that it's just an open relationship, where anyone can "hunt" and sleep with anyone, at all times, without discussing with their partner.
OK, *some* poly relationships are like that, and if they are, then the above situation you described wouldn't occur anyway, because that is the type of relationship that has been defined and agreed by all involved.
But many are not. And if it's not, the above situation would occur in the same way as if people "cheated" in a monogamous relationship - boundaries would be crossed, and people would be unhappy with that.
Again, the number of partners is not the issue here. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"*I'll add I havent really any bad ex's..mostly we still chat etc..or hook up if single, and of course be happy if we find someone relationship wise.
I've said many a time, I wouldnt be a fuck buddy couple..unless we classed ourselves as a real couple(that means the usual shit of meeting my dad,nanna,nieces,nephews etc etc)..
I'd rather be pals that just occasionally meet up..and are free to do what we want, when we want and who."
Well it sounds like you've got a good thing going on that really works for you. My family have met all my partners (including the ones that people on here derisively refer to as my 'fuck buddy') and it's a great honour to have that trust from both family and partners.
Sounds like you know what you want and committed non-monogamy isn't for you. Which is totally cool. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"just sounds a bit selfish to me.
Why is it selfish to share your life with several people?
well,
if I said I'd like two women to be my girlfriends,as committed relationships I think thatd be a bit selfish.I'm tying two people to me.
So instead of finding that one person to love and adore me..I ask for two...
shall I let them have another lover too?
I'd rather stay single than venture into committed multiple relationships.
That's really cool, for you.
But everyone is different. And people being different to you are not automatically "selfish".
I also feel that you thinking a woman being in a relationship is equal to being "tied" to you to be quite a problematic concept, as well as quite revealing of your take on relationships...
All relationships I've had have been mutually beneficial, loving, and I haven't ever felt like I was "tied" to anyone. And if people feel they can do that with more than one person, what is inherently wrong with that?
as I said before its not gender specific who is tied to whom.
subject A wont be happy that subject B gets to be with subject C at certain times.Subject A might decide if they arent getting subject C tonite they might as well hunt for subject D.But what will subject C think when they ask subject A's activities....subject C then thinks subject A has been unfaithful..etc etc..
it does happen alot on fab itself, whether the people class themselves as poly-of-sorts or not...most end up deleting their profile(not before some seriously shitty statuses about the other) and start again...
yup I'm a cynic
But it is perfectly possible when you do this with people that understand it; no-one "belongs" to anyone , and anyone should gets possessive gets dumped pdq.
But you make sure that you avoid anyone who wants to be possessive on the first place. And it takes time to find the " right" people."
ok..the question to the OP is:
can your triangle be permeable if another partner wants to meet other people? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"just sounds a bit selfish to me.
Why is it selfish to share your life with several people?
well,
if I said I'd like two women to be my girlfriends,as committed relationships I think thatd be a bit selfish.I'm tying two people to me.
So instead of finding that one person to love and adore me..I ask for two...
shall I let them have another lover too?
I'd rather stay single than venture into committed multiple relationships.
That's really cool, for you.
But everyone is different. And people being different to you are not automatically "selfish".
I also feel that you thinking a woman being in a relationship is equal to being "tied" to you to be quite a problematic concept, as well as quite revealing of your take on relationships...
All relationships I've had have been mutually beneficial, loving, and I haven't ever felt like I was "tied" to anyone. And if people feel they can do that with more than one person, what is inherently wrong with that?
as I said before its not gender specific who is tied to whom.
subject A wont be happy that subject B gets to be with subject C at certain times.Subject A might decide if they arent getting subject C tonite they might as well hunt for subject D.But what will subject C think when they ask subject A's activities....subject C then thinks subject A has been unfaithful..etc etc..
it does happen alot on fab itself, whether the people class themselves as poly-of-sorts or not...most end up deleting their profile(not before some seriously shitty statuses about the other) and start again...
yup I'm a cynic
But it is perfectly possible when you do this with people that understand it; no-one "belongs" to anyone , and anyone should gets possessive gets dumped pdq.
But you make sure that you avoid anyone who wants to be possessive on the first place. And it takes time to find the " right" people.
ok..the question to the OP is:
can your triangle be permeable if another partner wants to meet other people?"
If I'm not mistaken - the OP is talking about polyfidelity. Which is like monogamy, but with three people. You spend time together, potentially live together, and you do things together like any other couple (except this couple has three people).
It has the same jealousy issues that monogamous relationships can have. And open relationships can have. The situation you described can happen in monogamy too. People sometimes get jealous when you spend too much time with someone other than them. And sometimes monogamous people cheat too. Those things aren't specific to polyfidelity.
The polyfidelious people I personally know though are just not jealous people. They're laid back people with great friendship groups and hobbies that they enjoy doing. They spent time with their partners and time with their friends. It's much like a monogamous relationship. Except there are three of you being monogamous. |
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"Does this work for her then? I guess I don't want to have to be everything to one person.
Maybe that is selfish?
They've been married (to one of them) and living together as a three for over twenty years. So they must be doing something right.
My long term partner has also been living with his long term open partner for twenty years, so these things can and do last. They can also fail - but so can monogamy."
This is encouraging |
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"I just think having more than one relationship at the same time may be much more than some people can chew on...when its hard enough dealing with one."
This makes total sense. Though in my mind it's just one relationship, with 3 people in it. |
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"If I'm not mistaken - the OP is talking about polyfidelity. Which is like monogamy, but with three people. You spend time together, potentially live together, and you do things together like any other couple (except this couple has three people).
It has the same jealousy issues that monogamous relationships can have. And open relationships can have. The situation you described can happen in monogamy too. People sometimes get jealous when you spend too much time with someone other than them. And sometimes monogamous people cheat too. Those things aren't specific to polyfidelity.
The polyfidelious people I personally know though are just not jealous people. They're laid back people with great friendship groups and hobbies that they enjoy doing. They spent time with their partners and time with their friends. It's much like a monogamous relationship. Except there are three of you being monogamous."
You are not mistaken |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I am interested in a particular lifestyle.
I had no idea it had a name until I admitted to someone it was something I'd always wanted. I'd thought it was weird of me.
But it turns out it's not, well not that weird. I'm talking abut Polyamory and my desire for a closed MFM triad.
How does one even begin to find men interested in this? "
most men would find this concept more than acceptable but the real problems lie with find a women who wants to enter into this kind of relationship |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"ok..the question to the OP is:
can your triangle be permeable if another partner wants to meet other people?
That's not the kind of poly I would want."
I know...but it was the crux of my selfish argument..
unless you are wanting two bi guys who meet you at the same time, and are into each other of course.
or two straight guys that will meet you at the same time(which obviously includes the social aspects)
will you meet one of them alone if the other cant make it?..
etc etc etc lol |
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"I know...but it was the crux of my selfish argument..
unless you are wanting two bi guys who meet you at the same time, and are into each other of course.
or two straight guys that will meet you at the same time(which obviously includes the social aspects)
will you meet one of them alone if the other cant make it?..
etc etc etc lol"
I would want 2 bi guys who are into each other as well. Everyone gets 2 lovers |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"This is what I've thought.
But how do you say stuff like this on match.com etc.?  "
There are loads of poly people on OKCupid and there is an app called meetup that has poly groups and they meet for drinks like once a week. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"have alook on the well known fetish lifestyle site there are groupsand discusions for those interested and involved in polyamoury
I've done that, I keep getting messages from people wanting to tie me up and abuse me "
mmmmmmm yes please  |
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"There are loads of poly people on OKCupid and there is an app called meetup that has poly groups and they meet for drinks like once a week. "
I've used Meetup but didn't realise there were Poly groups, thank you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I am in a poly relationship. I can't pm you. If you could pm me I could recommend a positive site.
Xx
Done and thank you "
I'm also poly and have a great site...but I'm really just after pics of ur fanny and tits x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Done and thank you
I'm also poly and have a great site...but I'm really just after pics of ur fanny and tits x
Ah but I don't have any  "
liessss...I cant trust u... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There are loads of poly people on OKCupid and there is an app called meetup that has poly groups and they meet for drinks like once a week.
I've used Meetup but didn't realise there were Poly groups, thank you "
You're welcome x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"ok..the question to the OP is:
can your triangle be permeable if another partner wants to meet other people?
That's not the kind of poly I would want.
I know...but it was the crux of my selfish argument..
unless you are wanting two bi guys who meet you at the same time, and are into each other of course.
or two straight guys that will meet you at the same time(which obviously includes the social aspects)
will you meet one of them alone if the other cant make it?..
etc etc etc lol"
What you're saying doesn't really make sense to me. I have scheduling problems all the time - with my sex life, with my relationships, with my friendships. Sometimes some get in the way with others. Sometimes I want to see one person and not another person - and that goes for casual sex, partners, and friends.
If you are an adult who can communicate well then you just say 'well I'm doing X tonight with Y and Z, how about we go out Wednesday instead?
Like, honestly. There's no secret to poly. It's just about being a mature adult who can talk to other people. And if you don't like that someone is spending too much time with person A rather than you, then you just talk to them about it.
I mean, every problem you have brought up literally has 'communication' as the solution. Do you not talk to your partners? Tell them how you feel? Bring up things that you are unhappy about? Because I couldn't imagine living in a world where you just sulked about your feelings and then decided to hurt them out of spite. |
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