FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > why do people cheat?
why do people cheat?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I csnt understand why guys/girls cheat on there partner?
Wouldnt it be fsir to say that if yout cheating then clearly your not wanting to be with your partner?
Why not come clean and maybe say you want to try swinging or even that you dont want to be together..
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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No it wouldn't be fair to say that at all.
Everyone has their own backstory. I posted once exactly why I was here. You'd be surprised how many PMs I got, from men and women, in exactly the same situation. My inbox had never been busier. But I'm not going to repeat it all today.
Some people will say it's black and white. Cheaters should leave their partners as they can't love them.
All I'll say is .. walk in their shoes first then judge. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The reasons are many and varied, almost as many reasons as there are couples.
Some will say it's never justified. Others will say their circumstances make it justified and some people are just shits to their partners.
But you know something? There are nearly as many judgemental people who from behind the keyboard will condemn others without having a clue as to the full situation.
Would I (Mr) have an affair? I would like to think not and in 17 years haven't. But if the good lady did, I would also have to look at myself and see whether I did anything to make it happen. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Fair point.
In my opinion if i was looking to go behind my gf/wifes back and sleep/see another girl then id clearly feel that i didnt love ot need to be with her.
I just want to know why you do it and hoe it makes you feel.
No bad feelings here. |
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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in North Norfolk |
Loads of reasons. They like the excitement. They want more sex. They want more variety. They can.
Some are in a bad relationship. Some want to have their cake and eat it. Some have partners who've gone off sex or with sexual dysfunction. Some are away from home a lot and bored/lonely. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Out of interest fella, I note you have a long term partner from another thread you started (the green arrow is your friend) - yet you're here on a single male profile.
Any reason it's not a couples profile? You've just said you don't want to go behind their back? |
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It's the ones that feel as though they have to justify their actions that I don't understand. Coming on the forums shouting about it. I have no problem at all whether someone is married I just have a problem with those that shout about it.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I could sit here and type out the reasons why I'm here, but that's just my circumstance and doesn't answer your question as to why people cheat. It would just tell you why I've made that decision in my marriage.
What I can tell you is it wasn't an easy decision and it no way takes away from the love I have for my husband and my family. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Loads of reasons. They like the excitement. They want more sex. They want more variety. They can.
Some are in a bad relationship. Some want to have their cake and eat it. Some have partners who've gone off sex or with sexual dysfunction. Some are away from home a lot and bored/lonely."
Ok so would it not be fair to say that if you felt you needed to cheat because your partner was away frequently (to earn a living for his/her family) that they should express that they feel lonely and need somebody there to be with them and for their sex life?
Or if your partner has a sexual disfunction and or isnt into sex anymore that theyd understand that and would atleast need to raise the question of should we not try swinging so its controlled and bith parties accept whats happening and are aware of this?
Thr lost goes on, and for some who cheat for the sake of it i can understand why people do it in return, but for certain reasons like above, i dont feel its justifiable.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Loads of reasons. They like the excitement. They want more sex. They want more variety. They can.
Some are in a bad relationship. Some want to have their cake and eat it. Some have partners who've gone off sex or with sexual dysfunction. Some are away from home a lot and bored/lonely."
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I could sit here and type out the reasons why I'm here, but that's just my circumstance and doesn't answer your question as to why people cheat. It would just tell you why I've made that decision in my marriage.
What I can tell you is it wasn't an easy decision and it no way takes away from the love I have for my husband and my family. "
 exactly. There is no 'one size fits all' answer. Everyone's journey to that decision will be different. Some reasons more understandable than others perhaps. But it's not always black and white |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ok here's another thought...
Why do couples that swing cheat?? It happens a lot. They are apparently open with each other sexually yet still one or the other of them meets in secret??? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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in a perfect world no body would cheat and everyone would live happily ever after,the sun would shine all day and there would be no wars or bad stuff,but we are human and with that comes flaws,temptation emotion and the grass always looks greener on the other side and sadly it's not a perfect world  |
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By *iewMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Angus & Findhorn |
"Ok here's another thought...
Why do couples that swing cheat?? It happens a lot. They are apparently open with each other sexually yet still one or the other of them meets in secret??? "
because some people just can't stop themselves from being a lying cheat & the excitement. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!"
No it doesn't - parents fighting in front of children can cause damage too. It all depends how a split is managed by the parents. |
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By *ee VianteWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in North Norfolk |
"Loads of reasons. They like the excitement. They want more sex. They want more variety. They can.
Some are in a bad relationship. Some want to have their cake and eat it. Some have partners who've gone off sex or with sexual dysfunction. Some are away from home a lot and bored/lonely.
Ok so would it not be fair to say that if you felt you needed to cheat because your partner was away frequently (to earn a living for his/her family) that they should express that they feel lonely and need somebody there to be with them and for their sex life?
Or if your partner has a sexual disfunction and or isnt into sex anymore that theyd understand that and would atleast need to raise the question of should we not try swinging so its controlled and bith parties accept whats happening and are aware of this?
Thr lost goes on, and for some who cheat for the sake of it i can understand why people do it in return, but for certain reasons like above, i dont feel its justifiable.."
I'm not commenting on the validity or rights and wrongs of the reasons. I can't be arsed.
You asked why. The answer is lots of reasons and I gave some examples.
One partner may be quite happy whilst the other isn't, in which case suggesting swinging probably wouldn't go down well.
Swinging is definitely not for everyone.
If the cheating party thought suggesting swinging was a valid option, I'd suspect they'd suggest it rather than having to cheat.
There's also the possibility that they want to cheat but don't want to share their partner. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!
No it doesn't - parents fighting in front of children can cause damage too. It all depends how a split is managed by the parents. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fair point.
In my opinion if i was looking to go behind my gf/wifes back and sleep/see another girl then id clearly feel that i didnt love ot need to be with her.
I just want to know why you do it and hoe it makes you feel.
No bad feelings here. "
Just a small thing I noticed
... u have a single guys profile x |
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"Loads of reasons. They like the excitement. They want more sex. They want more variety. They can.
Some are in a bad relationship. Some want to have their cake and eat it. Some have partners who've gone off sex or with sexual dysfunction. Some are away from home a lot and bored/lonely.
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!"
I couldn't disagree more, wny would divorce destroy a child and surely if a partner finds out they are being cheated on the risk of divorce is there.
I'm sure if a child was witnessing a domestic abusive relationship everyday you wouldn't be saying the child would be destroyed by divorce more like the other way round.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fair point.
In my opinion if i was looking to go behind my gf/wifes back and sleep/see another girl then id clearly feel that i didnt love ot need to be with her.
I just want to know why you do it and hoe it makes you feel.
No bad feelings here.
Just a small thing I noticed
... u have a single guys profile x"
You can't travel or accom...
The way your last comment sounds if u have a gf now xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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OP, you have your reasons for thinking it's not justified. Crack on.
What I don't think is justifiable is judging others when you haven't a clue as to people full stories. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Fair point.
In my opinion if i was looking to go behind my gf/wifes back and sleep/see another girl then id clearly feel that i didnt love ot need to be with her.
I just want to know why you do it and hoe it makes you feel.
No bad feelings here.
Just a small thing I noticed
... u have a single guys profile x
You can't travel or accom...
The way your last comment sounds if u have a gf now xxx"
I use this profile to use the forums i enjoy reading peoples _iews and comments. Or to post my own..
I dont meet here hence no photos verifications or descriptions.
We used to use this site on a couples profile fot a few years but couldnt find any meets that suited us locally. Now as i said,i keep on this site for the forums and see whos new locally and if anybody comes along we like well create a new profile but nothing yet. |
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By *ransGuyTV/TS
over a year ago
Cardiff |
"And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!"
So does staying in a marriage that isn't working. Been there twice, and looking back I wish I had been old enough the first time to realise what was going on (I barely remember it apart from the odd flash backs that remind me that I'm glad I don't remember it), and brave enough the second time to step in to tell them to fucking grow up and seperate, but instead I just hid away.
After my Mum and Dad divorced things between them got a lot better, after my Mum and Step-Dad divorced we never saw him again and life got so much better.
Children see, hear and pick up on more than parents realise and it's that that distroys children. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Take stephanie from CBB for an example.. shes got a bf and claims she wants to marry him move in together, yet then shes all over jeremy telling him she loves him etc.. now this is an example of what im trying to say.. im not trying to say those who have a valid reason as to those who are in difficult relationships shouldnt. |
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"Loads of reasons. They like the excitement. They want more sex. They want more variety. They can.
Some are in a bad relationship. Some want to have their cake and eat it. Some have partners who've gone off sex or with sexual dysfunction. Some are away from home a lot and bored/lonely.
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!"
It certainly destroyed my children for a while just the sheer fact their daddy wasn't in the house anymore. We never argued infront of them and I kept my tears away from them for the most part,but to have a devastated child in your arms is not something I would want someone else to experience when I asked their dad to leave. Of course I then turned into the bad one for not letting daddy come back. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Loads of reasons. They like the excitement. They want more sex. They want more variety. They can.
Some are in a bad relationship. Some want to have their cake and eat it. Some have partners who've gone off sex or with sexual dysfunction. Some are away from home a lot and bored/lonely.
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!"
Disagree big style with this. My parents eventually divorced when i was 16. I wish they did it years before. They stayed together for the kids. It was awful. They clearly didn't get on or want to be together but they thought that they were doing what's best for the kids. They weren't. |
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"Loads of reasons. They like the excitement. They want more sex. They want more variety. They can.
Some are in a bad relationship. Some want to have their cake and eat it. Some have partners who've gone off sex or with sexual dysfunction. Some are away from home a lot and bored/lonely."
When I buy cake I eat it, it's what you're supposed to do with it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Everyone has a reason to do what they do in life? The only person they have to justify it to is themselves. Can you accept the life choices you make? Why do people stop in jobs they hate? Why do people complain about politics and yet not go out to vote? Why do people say I wish I could lose some weight, while eating junk food 24/7? We all have to power to change whatever in life but sometimes we choose not too because it's easier.
There is a difference between a reason and an excuse. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!
No it doesn't - parents fighting in front of children can cause damage too. It all depends how a split is managed by the parents. "
I don't mean to come across as judgemental because I do understand the complexities here. I mean these as general comments and not aimed at any individual. However, I dislike the parts of modern thinking that try to downplay the negative effects of divorce on children. The effects are pretty obvious and watch any documentary on gangs and youth crime and you see the same trend over and over - the boys don't have a strong male role model around (i.e their dad)
I also find it amusing that in this country, a lot of people look down upon arranged marriages but at the same time the divorce rate from people who marry for 'love' is far worse.
The divorce rate implies that either the average person is pretty piss poor at picking a life partner that they won't genuinely end up with irreconcilable differences. Or that we have a culture that promotes a fresh start over the harder option of fixing the current marriage (I believe it's more the latter). It's my opinion that when children are involved, there's no such concept as a fresh start.
I'm not saying that no situation can be better off with divorce, I just think that most aren't. |
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By *iewMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Angus & Findhorn |
"
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!
No it doesn't - parents fighting in front of children can cause damage too. It all depends how a split is managed by the parents.
I don't mean to come across as judgemental because I do understand the complexities here. I mean these as general comments and not aimed at any individual. However, I dislike the parts of modern thinking that try to downplay the negative effects of divorce on children. The effects are pretty obvious and watch any documentary on gangs and youth crime and you see the same trend over and over - the boys don't have a strong male role model around (i.e their dad)
I also find it amusing that in this country, a lot of people look down upon arranged marriages but at the same time the divorce rate from people who marry for 'love' is far worse.
The divorce rate implies that either the average person is pretty piss poor at picking a life partner that they won't genuinely end up with irreconcilable differences. Or that we have a culture that promotes a fresh start over the harder option of fixing the current marriage (I believe it's more the latter). It's my opinion that when children are involved, there's no such concept as a fresh start.
I'm not saying that no situation can be better off with divorce, I just think that most aren't."
very good post |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Loads of reasons. They like the excitement. They want more sex. They want more variety. They can.
Some are in a bad relationship. Some want to have their cake and eat it. Some have partners who've gone off sex or with sexual dysfunction. Some are away from home a lot and bored/lonely.
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!
It certainly destroyed my children for a while just the sheer fact their daddy wasn't in the house anymore. We never argued infront of them and I kept my tears away from them for the most part,but to have a devastated child in your arms is not something I would want someone else to experience when I asked their dad to leave. Of course I then turned into the bad one for not letting daddy come back. "
You may have tried your best to keep it away from them but they would have picked up on tension xx
Kids are not blinded to it as we think xx |
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When we first joined fab I was vehemently opposed to people who were here without their partner, over time that's changed.
A relationship is more than sex and if people love each other one of them having sex with someone else really isn't important enough to break the whole relationship. I still reserve a special contempt for the whiners the boasters and the blamers though. |
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By *r TriomanMan
over a year ago
Chippenham Malmesbury area |
"I csnt understand why guys/girls cheat on there partner?
Wouldnt it be fsir to say that if yout cheating then clearly your not wanting to be with your partner?
Why not come clean and maybe say you want to try swinging or even that you dont want to be together..
"
At 25, I could never understand this either; now I'm a tad old, I see things differently and realise that these things aren't black or white - relationships are complex things. |
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By *iewMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Angus & Findhorn |
"When we first joined fab I was vehemently opposed to people who were here without their partner, over time that's changed.
I still reserve a special contempt for the whiners the boasters and the blamers though."
100% |
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By *ransGuyTV/TS
over a year ago
Cardiff |
" Staying together for the kids." taught me when I was a child that I was the reason that my parents hated each other and that I was to blame for all the arguments, if I wasn't around then they would be free to move on with their lives.
But when my parents divorced they actually stayed apart so the arguing and tension stopped. Only my Mum and Dad were in contact with each other but the pressure had gone and Dad was no longer beating her up so life was so much better! |
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"When we first joined fab I was vehemently opposed to people who were here without their partner, over time that's changed.
A relationship is more than sex and if people love each other one of them having sex with someone else really isn't important enough to break the whole relationship. I still reserve a special contempt for the whiners the boasters and the blamers though."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!
No it doesn't - parents fighting in front of children can cause damage too. It all depends how a split is managed by the parents.
I don't mean to come across as judgemental because I do understand the complexities here. I mean these as general comments and not aimed at any individual. However, I dislike the parts of modern thinking that try to downplay the negative effects of divorce on children. The effects are pretty obvious and watch any documentary on gangs and youth crime and you see the same trend over and over - the boys don't have a strong male role model around (i.e their dad)
I also find it amusing that in this country, a lot of people look down upon arranged marriages but at the same time the divorce rate from people who marry for 'love' is far worse.
The divorce rate implies that either the average person is pretty piss poor at picking a life partner that they won't genuinely end up with irreconcilable differences. Or that we have a culture that promotes a fresh start over the harder option of fixing the current marriage (I believe it's more the latter). It's my opinion that when children are involved, there's no such concept as a fresh start.
I'm not saying that no situation can be better off with divorce, I just think that most aren't."
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"When we first joined fab I was vehemently opposed to people who were here without their partner, over time that's changed.
A relationship is more than sex and if people love each other one of them having sex with someone else really isn't important enough to break the whole relationship. I still reserve a special contempt for the whiners the boasters and the blamers though."
It was for me,no matter how hard I tried to tell myself it was just sex he had my heart told me different. It was the lies and deceit as well that goes along with cheating. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fair point.
In my opinion if i was looking to go behind my gf/wifes back and sleep/see another girl then id clearly feel that i didnt love ot need to be with her.
I just want to know why you do it and hoe it makes you feel.
No bad feelings here.
Just a small thing I noticed
... u have a single guys profile x
You can't travel or accom...
The way your last comment sounds if u have a gf now xxx
I use this profile to use the forums i enjoy reading peoples _iews and comments. Or to post my own..
I dont meet here hence no photos verifications or descriptions.
We used to use this site on a couples profile fot a few years but couldnt find any meets that suited us locally. Now as i said,i keep on this site for the forums and see whos new locally and if anybody comes along we like well create a new profile but nothing yet."
If that was the case why don't you put something in your profile saying not meeting? X |
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"When we first joined fab I was vehemently opposed to people who were here without their partner, over time that's changed.
A relationship is more than sex and if people love each other one of them having sex with someone else really isn't important enough to break the whole relationship. I still reserve a special contempt for the whiners the boasters and the blamers though.
It was for me,no matter how hard I tried to tell myself it was just sex he had my heart told me different. It was the lies and deceit as well that goes along with cheating. "
I can understand that, I'm assuming honesty and understanding.
It's a minefield isn't it. In an ideal world two people would start with a blank canvas, they would love each other and as time went on discuss openly their changing needs, both would feel the same way about monogamy and their sexual desire would be evenly matched throughout the course of their relationship, each ones needs for intimacy emotional and physical would always be met and cheating wouldn't even be an issue because everyone would be in a relationship where having more than one sexual partner was ok or not as the case may be. Sadly life is a sticky, messed up, confused affair along with the people in it. |
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"Fair point.
In my opinion if i was looking to go behind my gf/wifes back and sleep/see another girl then id clearly feel that i didnt love ot need to be with her.
I just want to know why you do it and hoe it makes you feel.
No bad feelings here.
Just a small thing I noticed
... u have a single guys profile x
You can't travel or accom...
The way your last comment sounds if u have a gf now xxx
I use this profile to use the forums i enjoy reading peoples _iews and comments. Or to post my own..
I dont meet here hence no photos verifications or descriptions.
We used to use this site on a couples profile fot a few years but couldnt find any meets that suited us locally. Now as i said,i keep on this site for the forums and see whos new locally and if anybody comes along we like well create a new profile but nothing yet.
If that was the case why don't you put something in your profile saying not meeting? X"
why should he? It's hardly a profile inviting all and sundry to message him.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The number of so called straight men who cheat on their unaware wife's with other men is quite shocking but it's on their conscience.
If the same men cheat on their unaware wife's with other women is that more acceptable ? It clearly is for some but the point I'm making is cheating is exactly that cheating , no matter who is involved it's still deceitful.
The lengths some people will go to for their own sexual gratification is amazing and they only care about their own needs, at the end of the day.
I'm not having a go at anybody here BTW it's non of my business but I tend to avoid such people my choice.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ok here's another thought...
Why do couples that swing cheat?? It happens a lot. They are apparently open with each other sexually yet still one or the other of them meets in secret??? "
Because they aren't happy in their relationship
My marriage was just like that, I used to meet with my ex, I later found that that he was also meeting women without me knowing, it was a woman we used to meet together, they had been meeting behind my back for months and going to clubs and playing with other couples without me knowing, if there was more than her I don't knw
Only explanation for this was he preferred her to me 
Why he didn't just leave me and just be with her I still don't know to this day |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Loads of reasons. They like the excitement. They want more sex. They want more variety. They can.
Some are in a bad relationship. Some want to have their cake and eat it. Some have partners who've gone off sex or with sexual dysfunction. Some are away from home a lot and bored/lonely.
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!"
This! The only reason I am still in the relationship, is because of my young daughter |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fair point.
In my opinion if i was looking to go behind my gf/wifes back and sleep/see another girl then id clearly feel that i didnt love ot need to be with her.
I just want to know why you do it and hoe it makes you feel.
No bad feelings here.
Just a small thing I noticed
... u have a single guys profile x
You can't travel or accom...
The way your last comment sounds if u have a gf now xxx
I use this profile to use the forums i enjoy reading peoples _iews and comments. Or to post my own..
I dont meet here hence no photos verifications or descriptions.
We used to use this site on a couples profile fot a few years but couldnt find any meets that suited us locally. Now as i said,i keep on this site for the forums and see whos new locally and if anybody comes along we like well create a new profile but nothing yet.
If that was the case why don't you put something in your profile saying not meeting? Xwhy should he? It's hardly a profile inviting all and sundry to message him.
"
That way he isn't gonna get slated like he has just been on here x |
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"When we first joined fab I was vehemently opposed to people who were here without their partner, over time that's changed.
A relationship is more than sex and if people love each other one of them having sex with someone else really isn't important enough to break the whole relationship. I still reserve a special contempt for the whiners the boasters and the blamers though.
It was for me,no matter how hard I tried to tell myself it was just sex he had my heart told me different. It was the lies and deceit as well that goes along with cheating.
I can understand that, I'm assuming honesty and understanding.
It's a minefield isn't it. In an ideal world two people would start with a blank canvas, they would love each other and as time went on discuss openly their changing needs, both would feel the same way about monogamy and their sexual desire would be evenly matched throughout the course of their relationship, each ones needs for intimacy emotional and physical would always be met and cheating wouldn't even be an issue because everyone would be in a relationship where having more than one sexual partner was ok or not as the case may be. Sadly life is a sticky, messed up, confused affair along with the people in it."
Referencing another thread where you said something along the lines that you struggle to keep up with some intellectual conversations... I say you don't have to be intellectual to have wisdom. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Because they want sex with others while retaining the benefits they get from being married."
This
And because they can
Because they want to
Because they are unhappy or as many say...they are happy they just want excitement
Because it's naughty and that's exciting
Because they want to live a little
I'm single btw.. Not that it matter, if I was on the end of the cheating I'd be heartbroken |
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"When we first joined fab I was vehemently opposed to people who were here without their partner, over time that's changed.
A relationship is more than sex and if people love each other one of them having sex with someone else really isn't important enough to break the whole relationship. I still reserve a special contempt for the whiners the boasters and the blamers though.
It was for me,no matter how hard I tried to tell myself it was just sex he had my heart told me different. It was the lies and deceit as well that goes along with cheating.
I can understand that, I'm assuming honesty and understanding.
It's a minefield isn't it. In an ideal world two people would start with a blank canvas, they would love each other and as time went on discuss openly their changing needs, both would feel the same way about monogamy and their sexual desire would be evenly matched throughout the course of their relationship, each ones needs for intimacy emotional and physical would always be met and cheating wouldn't even be an issue because everyone would be in a relationship where having more than one sexual partner was ok or not as the case may be. Sadly life is a sticky, messed up, confused affair along with the people in it."
I agree with everything you've said. It would be great if those that did cheat could see the future and it's consequences. Maybe just maybe they would rethink their actions and take a different course and communicate with each other. Maybe not I don't know suppose in my case the temptation was put in front of him and he took it... |
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By *LCCCouple
over a year ago
Cambridge |
Why do people cheat? Its because humans are not designed to be monogamous creatures. People of all religions, cultures and time periods have cheated. Even the shape of the male penis is designed to dislodge the sperm of previous lovers, so it is deeply ingrained in us to seek multiple lovers. However from a societal perspective, monogamy is much simpler to manage. If you consider the accumulation of wealth and land, its much harder to pass this down from one generation to another if everyone is fucking everyone and no one guys who's kids are who.
Our swinging story began with seeing friends and family being ripped apart by cheating, even from couples who seemingly had loved each other just as much as we loved each other. It is obvious that love isn't always enough to overcome the urge to have sex with multiple partners. So we thought instead of trying to deny it, we would do the opposite, and have sex with other people and be open and honest about it through swinging. |
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"When we first joined fab I was vehemently opposed to people who were here without their partner, over time that's changed.
A relationship is more than sex and if people love each other one of them having sex with someone else really isn't important enough to break the whole relationship. I still reserve a special contempt for the whiners the boasters and the blamers though.
It was for me,no matter how hard I tried to tell myself it was just sex he had my heart told me different. It was the lies and deceit as well that goes along with cheating.
I can understand that, I'm assuming honesty and understanding.
It's a minefield isn't it. In an ideal world two people would start with a blank canvas, they would love each other and as time went on discuss openly their changing needs, both would feel the same way about monogamy and their sexual desire would be evenly matched throughout the course of their relationship, each ones needs for intimacy emotional and physical would always be met and cheating wouldn't even be an issue because everyone would be in a relationship where having more than one sexual partner was ok or not as the case may be. Sadly life is a sticky, messed up, confused affair along with the people in it.
Referencing another thread where you said something along the lines that you struggle to keep up with some intellectual conversations... I say you don't have to be intellectual to have wisdom."
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Take stephanie from CBB for an example.. shes got a bf and claims she wants to marry him move in together, yet then shes all over jeremy telling him she loves him etc.. now this is an example of what im trying to say.. im not trying to say those who have a valid reason as to those who are in difficult relationships shouldnt."
Who says that she's cheating? They might be swingers. They might be poly. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Divorce doesn't destroy children!!!
It may destroy some children depending on how parents handle it ... Some go on to have extra loving life without parents arguing .., new partners ( good in some cases ... Not in others ) ... New extended families ( also good in some cases not in others )
I was divorced I love my kids, so does their dad .., and step dad & step mum
So ... Win win
Life is a box of chocolates !!!
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So who cheats more men ot women?"
It's pretty even x but I'd say men slightly more and that's not being sexist. But the average family men have more opportunity to cheat because he will go work while she stays home with kids ect x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So who cheats more men ot women?"
Statistically speaking there's virtually no difference. But they do cheat for different reasons. Broadly speaking, the male motivations are more physical and the women's motivations are more emotional. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!
No it doesn't - parents fighting in front of children can cause damage too. It all depends how a split is managed by the parents.
I don't mean to come across as judgemental because I do understand the complexities here. I mean these as general comments and not aimed at any individual. However, I dislike the parts of modern thinking that try to downplay the negative effects of divorce on children. The effects are pretty obvious and watch any documentary on gangs and youth crime and you see the same trend over and over - the boys don't have a strong male role model around (i.e their dad)
I also find it amusing that in this country, a lot of people look down upon arranged marriages but at the same time the divorce rate from people who marry for 'love' is far worse.
The divorce rate implies that either the average person is pretty piss poor at picking a life partner that they won't genuinely end up with irreconcilable differences. Or that we have a culture that promotes a fresh start over the harder option of fixing the current marriage (I believe it's more the latter). It's my opinion that when children are involved, there's no such concept as a fresh start.
I'm not saying that no situation can be better off with divorce, I just think that most aren't."
Are people in arranged marriages allowed to divorce? Surely it's very much discouraged within certain communities. Hence the statistics can't be compared. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Divorce doesn't destroy children!!!
It may destroy some children depending on how parents handle it ... Some go on to have extra loving life without parents arguing .., new partners ( good in some cases ... Not in others ) ... New extended families ( also good in some cases not in others )
I was divorced I love my kids, so does their dad .., and step dad & step mum
So ... Win win
Life is a box of chocolates !!!
"
I agree
In some cases staying together for the sake of your children can be more damaging than splitting up
It's a very sweeping statement to say devirce destroys children as each cause and marriage is unique |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I'm a cheat. I cheat because I need the touch of a man. My husband has not given me so much as a cuddle in almost 3 years. Yes, I've asked why. Yes I've cried and still do.
I don't feel strong enough to leave him though. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There are as many different reasons as there are people.
You will never understand anyone's particular relationship unless you are one of the people in it. You can choose to think all of the reasons are bullshit, none of the reasons are bullshit or any combination in between. If there's one thing that's clear its that people have their own fixed positions on what they think on this topic - which is usually informed by their own experience - and it's futile trying to challenge that in any way.
Oh, and if you ever do anything other than meekly hide quietly on here and not ever mention anything, you'll be accused of jumping up and down trying to justify yourself. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!
No it doesn't - parents fighting in front of children can cause damage too. It all depends how a split is managed by the parents.
I don't mean to come across as judgemental because I do understand the complexities here. I mean these as general comments and not aimed at any individual. However, I dislike the parts of modern thinking that try to downplay the negative effects of divorce on children. The effects are pretty obvious and watch any documentary on gangs and youth crime and you see the same trend over and over - the boys don't have a strong male role model around (i.e their dad)
I also find it amusing that in this country, a lot of people look down upon arranged marriages but at the same time the divorce rate from people who marry for 'love' is far worse.
The divorce rate implies that either the average person is pretty piss poor at picking a life partner that they won't genuinely end up with irreconcilable differences. Or that we have a culture that promotes a fresh start over the harder option of fixing the current marriage (I believe it's more the latter). It's my opinion that when children are involved, there's no such concept as a fresh start.
I'm not saying that no situation can be better off with divorce, I just think that most aren't.
Are people in arranged marriages allowed to divorce? Surely it's very much discouraged within certain communities. Hence the statistics can't be compared. "
The statistics are comparable, you're just identifying multiple factors that contribute to them. My post was about a broad culture and attitude towards divorce here that personally, I find curt.
Yes there is certainly a cultural correlation where arranged marriages tend to take place in cultures that strongly discourage divorce, although it is allowed and does happen.
I'm just saying that in our culture, we tend to scoff at the idea but in many ways it's results speak for themselves.
The biggest difference I see with my Indian friends who had arranged marriages are that they believe you learn to love someone. I think they learn about their partners to a greater depth than the average westerner and I think that makes it easier to resolve disputes later. In the west, there is too much notion that you should fall head over heels in love at first sight and if that excitement ever fades then it's time to move on. Exaggerated for dramatic effect but do you see the cultural contrast in drawing? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm a cheat. I cheat because I need the touch of a man. My husband has not given me so much as a cuddle in almost 3 years. Yes, I've asked why. Yes I've cried and still do.
I don't feel strong enough to leave him though. "
I can think of at least 3 ex-girlfriends where I used the line "if you won't fuck me then I'll find someone else that will".
Fortunately they were just girlfriends. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"There are as many different reasons as there are people.
You will never understand anyone's particular relationship unless you are one of the people in it. You can choose to think all of the reasons are bullshit, none of the reasons are bullshit or any combination in between. If there's one thing that's clear its that people have their own fixed positions on what they think on this topic - which is usually informed by their own experience - and it's futile trying to challenge that in any way.
Oh, and if you ever do anything other than meekly hide quietly on here and not ever mention anything, you'll be accused of jumping up and down trying to justify yourself. "
Very well put xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I have noticed couple of things ,some couples that rush into marriage or do for the wrong reason often end up one or both partners have an affair. No saying all just some. |
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"I'm a cheat. I cheat because I need the touch of a man. My husband has not given me so much as a cuddle in almost 3 years. Yes, I've asked why. Yes I've cried and still do.
I don't feel strong enough to leave him though. "
The most heart felt and honest reply to a thread l have read so far. .l sincerely hope, you find that reconnection you want.
Warmest Adam |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm a cheat. I cheat because I need the touch of a man. My husband has not given me so much as a cuddle in almost 3 years. Yes, I've asked why. Yes I've cried and still do.
I don't feel strong enough to leave him though.
I can think of at least 3 ex-girlfriends where I used the line "if you won't fuck me then I'll find someone else that will".
Fortunately they were just girlfriends. "
I've said that. I come clean and told him I'd cheated. He asked 'who'. I told him 'loads'. He called me a slut and then never mentioned it again. It's a weird situation. |
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"There are as many different reasons as there are people.
You will never understand anyone's particular relationship unless you are one of the people in it. You can choose to think all of the reasons are bullshit, none of the reasons are bullshit or any combination in between. If there's one thing that's clear its that people have their own fixed positions on what they think on this topic - which is usually informed by their own experience - and it's futile trying to challenge that in any way.
Oh, and if you ever do anything other than meekly hide quietly on here and not ever mention anything, you'll be accused of jumping up and down trying to justify yourself. "
but some do jump up and down trying to justify themselves. Then there are those that just quietly get on with it
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!
No it doesn't - parents fighting in front of children can cause damage too. It all depends how a split is managed by the parents.
I don't mean to come across as judgemental because I do understand the complexities here. I mean these as general comments and not aimed at any individual. However, I dislike the parts of modern thinking that try to downplay the negative effects of divorce on children. The effects are pretty obvious and watch any documentary on gangs and youth crime and you see the same trend over and over - the boys don't have a strong male role model around (i.e their dad)
I also find it amusing that in this country, a lot of people look down upon arranged marriages but at the same time the divorce rate from people who marry for 'love' is far worse.
The divorce rate implies that either the average person is pretty piss poor at picking a life partner that they won't genuinely end up with irreconcilable differences. Or that we have a culture that promotes a fresh start over the harder option of fixing the current marriage (I believe it's more the latter). It's my opinion that when children are involved, there's no such concept as a fresh start.
I'm not saying that no situation can be better off with divorce, I just think that most aren't.
Are people in arranged marriages allowed to divorce? Surely it's very much discouraged within certain communities. Hence the statistics can't be compared.
The statistics are comparable, you're just identifying multiple factors that contribute to them. My post was about a broad culture and attitude towards divorce here that personally, I find curt.
Yes there is certainly a cultural correlation where arranged marriages tend to take place in cultures that strongly discourage divorce, although it is allowed and does happen.
I'm just saying that in our culture, we tend to scoff at the idea but in many ways it's results speak for themselves.
The biggest difference I see with my Indian friends who had arranged marriages are that they believe you learn to love someone. I think they learn about their partners to a greater depth than the average westerner and I think that makes it easier to resolve disputes later. In the west, there is too much notion that you should fall head over heels in love at first sight and if that excitement ever fades then it's time to move on. Exaggerated for dramatic effect but do you see the cultural contrast in drawing? "
I think part of the cultural contrast is more that people have children with people almost on a whim sometimes. I know plenty of people who have children with their partner but marriage was too much of a commitment for them.
Even on here, the number of times you see people referring to their scummy ex, deadbeat dads, their "sperm donor" for their children etc - you think well you've chosen to create life with that person, and not many people wholly change their personality during their lifetime, so you were obviously an appalling judge of character to have a child with them in the first place. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!
No it doesn't - parents fighting in front of children can cause damage too. It all depends how a split is managed by the parents.
I don't mean to come across as judgemental because I do understand the complexities here. I mean these as general comments and not aimed at any individual. However, I dislike the parts of modern thinking that try to downplay the negative effects of divorce on children. The effects are pretty obvious and watch any documentary on gangs and youth crime and you see the same trend over and over - the boys don't have a strong male role model around (i.e their dad)
I also find it amusing that in this country, a lot of people look down upon arranged marriages but at the same time the divorce rate from people who marry for 'love' is far worse.
The divorce rate implies that either the average person is pretty piss poor at picking a life partner that they won't genuinely end up with irreconcilable differences. Or that we have a culture that promotes a fresh start over the harder option of fixing the current marriage (I believe it's more the latter). It's my opinion that when children are involved, there's no such concept as a fresh start.
I'm not saying that no situation can be better off with divorce, I just think that most aren't."
I was listening to a talk on infidelity, rethinking it & one of the points made was that whilst in the past divorce was seen as 'shameful' nowadays 'staying' appears to be.
On here as in reality the majority of comments centre around the person leaving ~ if you're the cheater leave & let you OH move on / if your the one being cheated on leave or show him/her the door etc etc.
Infidelity doesn't necessarily mean the end of the relationship for some people it could be where they draw line on their past & start afresh, together. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm a cheat. I cheat because I need the touch of a man. My husband has not given me so much as a cuddle in almost 3 years. Yes, I've asked why. Yes I've cried and still do.
I don't feel strong enough to leave him though.
The most heart felt and honest reply to a thread l have read so far. .l sincerely hope, you find that reconnection you want.
Warmest Adam"
Thank you. I do love my husband but lying in bed alone, crying most nights is exhausting. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!
No it doesn't - parents fighting in front of children can cause damage too. It all depends how a split is managed by the parents.
I don't mean to come across as judgemental because I do understand the complexities here. I mean these as general comments and not aimed at any individual. However, I dislike the parts of modern thinking that try to downplay the negative effects of divorce on children. The effects are pretty obvious and watch any documentary on gangs and youth crime and you see the same trend over and over - the boys don't have a strong male role model around (i.e their dad)
I also find it amusing that in this country, a lot of people look down upon arranged marriages but at the same time the divorce rate from people who marry for 'love' is far worse.
The divorce rate implies that either the average person is pretty piss poor at picking a life partner that they won't genuinely end up with irreconcilable differences. Or that we have a culture that promotes a fresh start over the harder option of fixing the current marriage (I believe it's more the latter). It's my opinion that when children are involved, there's no such concept as a fresh start.
I'm not saying that no situation can be better off with divorce, I just think that most aren't.
Are people in arranged marriages allowed to divorce? Surely it's very much discouraged within certain communities. Hence the statistics can't be compared.
The statistics are comparable, you're just identifying multiple factors that contribute to them. My post was about a broad culture and attitude towards divorce here that personally, I find curt.
Yes there is certainly a cultural correlation where arranged marriages tend to take place in cultures that strongly discourage divorce, although it is allowed and does happen.
I'm just saying that in our culture, we tend to scoff at the idea but in many ways it's results speak for themselves.
The biggest difference I see with my Indian friends who had arranged marriages are that they believe you learn to love someone. I think they learn about their partners to a greater depth than the average westerner and I think that makes it easier to resolve disputes later. In the west, there is too much notion that you should fall head over heels in love at first sight and if that excitement ever fades then it's time to move on. Exaggerated for dramatic effect but do you see the cultural contrast in drawing? "
I agree, it does seem that arranged marriages often last longer. With 'love' taken out of the equation, and more emphasis on the two people being compatible. That makes total sense to me and much more likely to last. Old people that have been married to each other since they were young often talk about how their friendship kept them together through all sorts of bad times. Whereas 2 people that fell out of love and have nothing else in common will just split up.
However in both cases (arranged marriages and the older generation) where divorce is/ was discouraged (to say the least) then I'm not sure how the statistics can be truly relied on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm a cheat. I cheat because I need the touch of a man. My husband has not given me so much as a cuddle in almost 3 years. Yes, I've asked why. Yes I've cried and still do.
I don't feel strong enough to leave him though.
I can think of at least 3 ex-girlfriends where I used the line "if you won't fuck me then I'll find someone else that will".
Fortunately they were just girlfriends.
I've said that. I come clean and told him I'd cheated. He asked 'who'. I told him 'loads'. He called me a slut and then never mentioned it again. It's a weird situation. "
That is weird! I don't believe the girls were cheating but it didn't seem to bother some of them to go 2-3 months without sex. That's what I find strange and keep in mind we were in our 20's at the time. One of them got married recently, and whilst she's very attractive, I just looked at her husband and thought 'hope you like jacking off...' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!
No it doesn't - parents fighting in front of children can cause damage too. It all depends how a split is managed by the parents.
I don't mean to come across as judgemental because I do understand the complexities here. I mean these as general comments and not aimed at any individual. However, I dislike the parts of modern thinking that try to downplay the negative effects of divorce on children. The effects are pretty obvious and watch any documentary on gangs and youth crime and you see the same trend over and over - the boys don't have a strong male role model around (i.e their dad)
I also find it amusing that in this country, a lot of people look down upon arranged marriages but at the same time the divorce rate from people who marry for 'love' is far worse.
The divorce rate implies that either the average person is pretty piss poor at picking a life partner that they won't genuinely end up with irreconcilable differences. Or that we have a culture that promotes a fresh start over the harder option of fixing the current marriage (I believe it's more the latter). It's my opinion that when children are involved, there's no such concept as a fresh start.
I'm not saying that no situation can be better off with divorce, I just think that most aren't.
Are people in arranged marriages allowed to divorce? Surely it's very much discouraged within certain communities. Hence the statistics can't be compared.
The statistics are comparable, you're just identifying multiple factors that contribute to them. My post was about a broad culture and attitude towards divorce here that personally, I find curt.
Yes there is certainly a cultural correlation where arranged marriages tend to take place in cultures that strongly discourage divorce, although it is allowed and does happen.
I'm just saying that in our culture, we tend to scoff at the idea but in many ways it's results speak for themselves.
The biggest difference I see with my Indian friends who had arranged marriages are that they believe you learn to love someone. I think they learn about their partners to a greater depth than the average westerner and I think that makes it easier to resolve disputes later. In the west, there is too much notion that you should fall head over heels in love at first sight and if that excitement ever fades then it's time to move on. Exaggerated for dramatic effect but do you see the cultural contrast in drawing?
I agree, it does seem that arranged marriages often last longer. With 'love' taken out of the equation, and more emphasis on the two people being compatible. That makes total sense to me and much more likely to last. Old people that have been married to each other since they were young often talk about how their friendship kept them together through all sorts of bad times. Whereas 2 people that fell out of love and have nothing else in common will just split up.
However in both cases (arranged marriages and the older generation) where divorce is/ was discouraged (to say the least) then I'm not sure how the statistics can be truly relied on. "
But isnt marriage supposed to be about love not just because your compatible? It almost sounds like a buisness arrangement?
If there is no love what's the point? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"There are as many different reasons as there are people.
You will never understand anyone's particular relationship unless you are one of the people in it. You can choose to think all of the reasons are bullshit, none of the reasons are bullshit or any combination in between. If there's one thing that's clear its that people have their own fixed positions on what they think on this topic - which is usually informed by their own experience - and it's futile trying to challenge that in any way.
Oh, and if you ever do anything other than meekly hide quietly on here and not ever mention anything, you'll be accused of jumping up and down trying to justify yourself. but some do jump up and down trying to justify themselves. Then there are those that just quietly get on with it
"
Those aren't the only two options available, I've never attempted to justify myself because I don't particularly care what people who don't know me think. But if someone posts asking a question, people answering it are often told they are trying to justify themselves. No, they're just answering the question in the thread. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm a cheat. I cheat because I need the touch of a man. My husband has not given me so much as a cuddle in almost 3 years. Yes, I've asked why. Yes I've cried and still do.
I don't feel strong enough to leave him though.
I can think of at least 3 ex-girlfriends where I used the line "if you won't fuck me then I'll find someone else that will".
Fortunately they were just girlfriends.
I've said that. I come clean and told him I'd cheated. He asked 'who'. I told him 'loads'. He called me a slut and then never mentioned it again. It's a weird situation.
That is weird! I don't believe the girls were cheating but it didn't seem to bother some of them to go 2-3 months without sex. That's what I find strange and keep in mind we were in our 20's at the time. One of them got married recently, and whilst she's very attractive, I just looked at her husband and thought 'hope you like jacking off...' "
It's not just the sex for me. I like to be held, have a laugh, company etc.... The 'normal' things.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!
No it doesn't - parents fighting in front of children can cause damage too. It all depends how a split is managed by the parents.
I don't mean to come across as judgemental because I do understand the complexities here. I mean these as general comments and not aimed at any individual. However, I dislike the parts of modern thinking that try to downplay the negative effects of divorce on children. The effects are pretty obvious and watch any documentary on gangs and youth crime and you see the same trend over and over - the boys don't have a strong male role model around (i.e their dad)
I also find it amusing that in this country, a lot of people look down upon arranged marriages but at the same time the divorce rate from people who marry for 'love' is far worse.
The divorce rate implies that either the average person is pretty piss poor at picking a life partner that they won't genuinely end up with irreconcilable differences. Or that we have a culture that promotes a fresh start over the harder option of fixing the current marriage (I believe it's more the latter). It's my opinion that when children are involved, there's no such concept as a fresh start.
I'm not saying that no situation can be better off with divorce, I just think that most aren't.
Are people in arranged marriages allowed to divorce? Surely it's very much discouraged within certain communities. Hence the statistics can't be compared.
The statistics are comparable, you're just identifying multiple factors that contribute to them. My post was about a broad culture and attitude towards divorce here that personally, I find curt.
Yes there is certainly a cultural correlation where arranged marriages tend to take place in cultures that strongly discourage divorce, although it is allowed and does happen.
I'm just saying that in our culture, we tend to scoff at the idea but in many ways it's results speak for themselves.
The biggest difference I see with my Indian friends who had arranged marriages are that they believe you learn to love someone. I think they learn about their partners to a greater depth than the average westerner and I think that makes it easier to resolve disputes later. In the west, there is too much notion that you should fall head over heels in love at first sight and if that excitement ever fades then it's time to move on. Exaggerated for dramatic effect but do you see the cultural contrast in drawing?
I think part of the cultural contrast is more that people have children with people almost on a whim sometimes. I know plenty of people who have children with their partner but marriage was too much of a commitment for them.
Even on here, the number of times you see people referring to their scummy ex, deadbeat dads, their "sperm donor" for their children etc - you think well you've chosen to create life with that person, and not many people wholly change their personality during their lifetime, so you were obviously an appalling judge of character to have a child with them in the first place. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Loads of reasons. They like the excitement. They want more sex. They want more variety. They can.
Some are in a bad relationship. Some want to have their cake and eat it. Some have partners who've gone off sex or with sexual dysfunction. Some are away from home a lot and bored/lonely.
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!"
What utter garbage. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!
No it doesn't - parents fighting in front of children can cause damage too. It all depends how a split is managed by the parents.
I don't mean to come across as judgemental because I do understand the complexities here. I mean these as general comments and not aimed at any individual. However, I dislike the parts of modern thinking that try to downplay the negative effects of divorce on children. The effects are pretty obvious and watch any documentary on gangs and youth crime and you see the same trend over and over - the boys don't have a strong male role model around (i.e their dad)
I also find it amusing that in this country, a lot of people look down upon arranged marriages but at the same time the divorce rate from people who marry for 'love' is far worse.
The divorce rate implies that either the average person is pretty piss poor at picking a life partner that they won't genuinely end up with irreconcilable differences. Or that we have a culture that promotes a fresh start over the harder option of fixing the current marriage (I believe it's more the latter). It's my opinion that when children are involved, there's no such concept as a fresh start.
I'm not saying that no situation can be better off with divorce, I just think that most aren't.
Are people in arranged marriages allowed to divorce? Surely it's very much discouraged within certain communities. Hence the statistics can't be compared.
The statistics are comparable, you're just identifying multiple factors that contribute to them. My post was about a broad culture and attitude towards divorce here that personally, I find curt.
Yes there is certainly a cultural correlation where arranged marriages tend to take place in cultures that strongly discourage divorce, although it is allowed and does happen.
I'm just saying that in our culture, we tend to scoff at the idea but in many ways it's results speak for themselves.
The biggest difference I see with my Indian friends who had arranged marriages are that they believe you learn to love someone. I think they learn about their partners to a greater depth than the average westerner and I think that makes it easier to resolve disputes later. In the west, there is too much notion that you should fall head over heels in love at first sight and if that excitement ever fades then it's time to move on. Exaggerated for dramatic effect but do you see the cultural contrast in drawing?
I agree, it does seem that arranged marriages often last longer. With 'love' taken out of the equation, and more emphasis on the two people being compatible. That makes total sense to me and much more likely to last. Old people that have been married to each other since they were young often talk about how their friendship kept them together through all sorts of bad times. Whereas 2 people that fell out of love and have nothing else in common will just split up.
However in both cases (arranged marriages and the older generation) where divorce is/ was discouraged (to say the least) then I'm not sure how the statistics can be truly relied on. "
I like the statistics because they highlight a contrast between the Disney-movie world _iew and other approaches to life. I think western culture is full of unrealistic expectations is my main point.
I am western myself but I'm not particularly proud of our present social culture. I find my travels to Asia to be spiritually refreshing. It's not a utopia, nor do i believe in some golden age in our past. But I think of it like a pendulum swinging between individualism and conservatism. There are lots of things I do like about individualism, but the pendulum can swing too far. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!
No it doesn't - parents fighting in front of children can cause damage too. It all depends how a split is managed by the parents.
I don't mean to come across as judgemental because I do understand the complexities here. I mean these as general comments and not aimed at any individual. However, I dislike the parts of modern thinking that try to downplay the negative effects of divorce on children. The effects are pretty obvious and watch any documentary on gangs and youth crime and you see the same trend over and over - the boys don't have a strong male role model around (i.e their dad)
I also find it amusing that in this country, a lot of people look down upon arranged marriages but at the same time the divorce rate from people who marry for 'love' is far worse.
The divorce rate implies that either the average person is pretty piss poor at picking a life partner that they won't genuinely end up with irreconcilable differences. Or that we have a culture that promotes a fresh start over the harder option of fixing the current marriage (I believe it's more the latter). It's my opinion that when children are involved, there's no such concept as a fresh start.
I'm not saying that no situation can be better off with divorce, I just think that most aren't.
Are people in arranged marriages allowed to divorce? Surely it's very much discouraged within certain communities. Hence the statistics can't be compared.
The statistics are comparable, you're just identifying multiple factors that contribute to them. My post was about a broad culture and attitude towards divorce here that personally, I find curt.
Yes there is certainly a cultural correlation where arranged marriages tend to take place in cultures that strongly discourage divorce, although it is allowed and does happen.
I'm just saying that in our culture, we tend to scoff at the idea but in many ways it's results speak for themselves.
The biggest difference I see with my Indian friends who had arranged marriages are that they believe you learn to love someone. I think they learn about their partners to a greater depth than the average westerner and I think that makes it easier to resolve disputes later. In the west, there is too much notion that you should fall head over heels in love at first sight and if that excitement ever fades then it's time to move on. Exaggerated for dramatic effect but do you see the cultural contrast in drawing?
I agree, it does seem that arranged marriages often last longer. With 'love' taken out of the equation, and more emphasis on the two people being compatible. That makes total sense to me and much more likely to last. Old people that have been married to each other since they were young often talk about how their friendship kept them together through all sorts of bad times. Whereas 2 people that fell out of love and have nothing else in common will just split up.
However in both cases (arranged marriages and the older generation) where divorce is/ was discouraged (to say the least) then I'm not sure how the statistics can be truly relied on.
But isnt marriage supposed to be about love"
Only according to our culture and I dare say that the west didn't invent marriage either!
Either way, marriage definately isn't supposed to be about divorce so it's worth pondering why other approaches might be more successful. Not because we necessarily want to import the entire approach, but perhaps we can learn something that helps refine our own approach. |
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"There are as many different reasons as there are people.
You will never understand anyone's particular relationship unless you are one of the people in it. You can choose to think all of the reasons are bullshit, none of the reasons are bullshit or any combination in between. If there's one thing that's clear its that people have their own fixed positions on what they think on this topic - which is usually informed by their own experience - and it's futile trying to challenge that in any way.
Oh, and if you ever do anything other than meekly hide quietly on here and not ever mention anything, you'll be accused of jumping up and down trying to justify yourself. but some do jump up and down trying to justify themselves. Then there are those that just quietly get on with it
Those aren't the only two options available, I've never attempted to justify myself because I don't particularly care what people who don't know me think. But if someone posts asking a question, people answering it are often told they are trying to justify themselves. No, they're just answering the question in the thread. "
your always trying to justify yourself by saying people don't understand your situation as though if they did they would automatically understand.
I don't care what people do or why they do it, but there's different ways of going about it and there's ways certain people go about things I don't like. My opinion |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!
No it doesn't - parents fighting in front of children can cause damage too. It all depends how a split is managed by the parents.
I don't mean to come across as judgemental because I do understand the complexities here. I mean these as general comments and not aimed at any individual. However, I dislike the parts of modern thinking that try to downplay the negative effects of divorce on children. The effects are pretty obvious and watch any documentary on gangs and youth crime and you see the same trend over and over - the boys don't have a strong male role model around (i.e their dad)
I also find it amusing that in this country, a lot of people look down upon arranged marriages but at the same time the divorce rate from people who marry for 'love' is far worse.
The divorce rate implies that either the average person is pretty piss poor at picking a life partner that they won't genuinely end up with irreconcilable differences. Or that we have a culture that promotes a fresh start over the harder option of fixing the current marriage (I believe it's more the latter). It's my opinion that when children are involved, there's no such concept as a fresh start.
I'm not saying that no situation can be better off with divorce, I just think that most aren't.
Are people in arranged marriages allowed to divorce? Surely it's very much discouraged within certain communities. Hence the statistics can't be compared.
The statistics are comparable, you're just identifying multiple factors that contribute to them. My post was about a broad culture and attitude towards divorce here that personally, I find curt.
Yes there is certainly a cultural correlation where arranged marriages tend to take place in cultures that strongly discourage divorce, although it is allowed and does happen.
I'm just saying that in our culture, we tend to scoff at the idea but in many ways it's results speak for themselves.
The biggest difference I see with my Indian friends who had arranged marriages are that they believe you learn to love someone. I think they learn about their partners to a greater depth than the average westerner and I think that makes it easier to resolve disputes later. In the west, there is too much notion that you should fall head over heels in love at first sight and if that excitement ever fades then it's time to move on. Exaggerated for dramatic effect but do you see the cultural contrast in drawing?
I agree, it does seem that arranged marriages often last longer. With 'love' taken out of the equation, and more emphasis on the two people being compatible. That makes total sense to me and much more likely to last. Old people that have been married to each other since they were young often talk about how their friendship kept them together through all sorts of bad times. Whereas 2 people that fell out of love and have nothing else in common will just split up.
However in both cases (arranged marriages and the older generation) where divorce is/ was discouraged (to say the least) then I'm not sure how the statistics can be truly relied on.
But isnt marriage supposed to be about love
Only according to our culture and I dare say that the west didn't invent marriage either!
Either way, marriage definately isn't supposed to be about divorce so it's worth pondering why other approaches might be more successful. Not because we necessarily want to import the entire approach, but perhaps we can learn something that helps refine our own approach. "
No marriage isn't supposed to be about divorce, I never got married with the intentions of getting divorced but sometimes things happen and things just end that way
Everybody's situations is different some marriage are worth fighting for some aren't |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There are as many different reasons as there are people.
You will never understand anyone's particular relationship unless you are one of the people in it. You can choose to think all of the reasons are bullshit, none of the reasons are bullshit or any combination in between. If there's one thing that's clear its that people have their own fixed positions on what they think on this topic - which is usually informed by their own experience - and it's futile trying to challenge that in any way.
Oh, and if you ever do anything other than meekly hide quietly on here and not ever mention anything, you'll be accused of jumping up and down trying to justify yourself. but some do jump up and down trying to justify themselves. Then there are those that just quietly get on with it
Those aren't the only two options available, I've never attempted to justify myself because I don't particularly care what people who don't know me think. But if someone posts asking a question, people answering it are often told they are trying to justify themselves. No, they're just answering the question in the thread. your always trying to justify yourself by saying people don't understand your situation as though if they did they would automatically understand.
I don't care what people do or why they do it, but there's different ways of going about it and there's ways certain people go about things I don't like. My opinion"
Thanks for neatly proving my point. I am never trying to justify myself - I couldn't give less of a shit what you think of me. If I say people don't understand my situation, it's just saying that. Not that if they understood they would agree or do the same as me, just that they shouldn't claim to understand why people do things. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you are married and have made a commitment that is serious, if you have a boy/girlfriend and they are not doing it for you, end it find another - take control of your life"
Why not end it, find another and take control of your life because your married?
Does being married mean you no longer have control over your own life? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you are married and have made a commitment that is serious, if you have a boy/girlfriend and they are not doing it for you, end it find another - take control of your life"
Believe me.... The day I got married I was deadly serious. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you are married and have made a commitment that is serious, if you have a boy/girlfriend and they are not doing it for you, end it find another - take control of your life
Believe me.... The day I got married I was deadly serious. "
We all are, nobody gets married with the intentions of splitting up, things change, people change, its called life
My marriage got to the point I just couldn't take living the way we did anymore, we didn't even share the same bedroom when we split up
Whats the point in living like that
We was cheating on me neither of us was happy, surely the best thing to do when you get to that point is go your own way |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm a cheat. I cheat because I need the touch of a man. My husband has not given me so much as a cuddle in almost 3 years. Yes, I've asked why. Yes I've cried and still do.
I don't feel strong enough to leave him though.
I can think of at least 3 ex-girlfriends where I used the line "if you won't fuck me then I'll find someone else that will".
Fortunately they were just girlfriends.
I've said that. I come clean and told him I'd cheated. He asked 'who'. I told him 'loads'. He called me a slut and then never mentioned it again. It's a weird situation.
That is weird! I don't believe the girls were cheating but it didn't seem to bother some of them to go 2-3 months without sex. That's what I find strange and keep in mind we were in our 20's at the time. One of them got married recently, and whilst she's very attractive, I just looked at her husband and thought 'hope you like jacking off...' "
Nah they're probably at it like rabbits. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm a cheat. I cheat because I need the touch of a man. My husband has not given me so much as a cuddle in almost 3 years. Yes, I've asked why. Yes I've cried and still do.
I don't feel strong enough to leave him though.
I can think of at least 3 ex-girlfriends where I used the line "if you won't fuck me then I'll find someone else that will".
Fortunately they were just girlfriends.
I've said that. I come clean and told him I'd cheated. He asked 'who'. I told him 'loads'. He called me a slut and then never mentioned it again. It's a weird situation.
That is weird! I don't believe the girls were cheating but it didn't seem to bother some of them to go 2-3 months without sex. That's what I find strange and keep in mind we were in our 20's at the time. One of them got married recently, and whilst she's very attractive, I just looked at her husband and thought 'hope you like jacking off...'
Nah they're probably at it like rabbits."
I thought that!!! Just because you weren't sexually compatible doesn't mean they aren't lol! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you are married and have made a commitment that is serious, if you have a boy/girlfriend and they are not doing it for you, end it find another - take control of your life
Believe me.... The day I got married I was deadly serious.
We all are, nobody gets married with the intentions of splitting up, things change, people change, its called life
My marriage got to the point I just couldn't take living the way we did anymore, we didn't even share the same bedroom when we split up
Whats the point in living like that
We was cheating on me neither of us was happy, surely the best thing to do when you get to that point is go your own way"
It's definitely the best thing to do. I get lost in thoughts of separating, feeling happy, starting a fresh. When it comes down to it, I just can't do it. My daughter is all for her dad. I'd be alone. I can't leave my daughter |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you are married and have made a commitment that is serious, if you have a boy/girlfriend and they are not doing it for you, end it find another - take control of your life
Believe me.... The day I got married I was deadly serious.
We all are, nobody gets married with the intentions of splitting up, things change, people change, its called life
My marriage got to the point I just couldn't take living the way we did anymore, we didn't even share the same bedroom when we split up
Whats the point in living like that
We was cheating on me neither of us was happy, surely the best thing to do when you get to that point is go your own way
It's definitely the best thing to do. I get lost in thoughts of separating, feeling happy, starting a fresh. When it comes down to it, I just can't do it. My daughter is all for her dad. I'd be alone. I can't leave my daughter "
Try Relate. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"If you are married and have made a commitment that is serious, if you have a boy/girlfriend and they are not doing it for you, end it find another - take control of your life
Believe me.... The day I got married I was deadly serious.
We all are, nobody gets married with the intentions of splitting up, things change, people change, its called life
My marriage got to the point I just couldn't take living the way we did anymore, we didn't even share the same bedroom when we split up
Whats the point in living like that
We was cheating on me neither of us was happy, surely the best thing to do when you get to that point is go your own way
It's definitely the best thing to do. I get lost in thoughts of separating, feeling happy, starting a fresh. When it comes down to it, I just can't do it. My daughter is all for her dad. I'd be alone. I can't leave my daughter
Try Relate."
We done that years ago. Clearly it didn't work |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm a cheat. I cheat because I need the touch of a man. My husband has not given me so much as a cuddle in almost 3 years. Yes, I've asked why. Yes I've cried and still do.
I don't feel strong enough to leave him though.
I can think of at least 3 ex-girlfriends where I used the line "if you won't fuck me then I'll find someone else that will".
Fortunately they were just girlfriends.
I've said that. I come clean and told him I'd cheated. He asked 'who'. I told him 'loads'. He called me a slut and then never mentioned it again. It's a weird situation.
That is weird! I don't believe the girls were cheating but it didn't seem to bother some of them to go 2-3 months without sex. That's what I find strange and keep in mind we were in our 20's at the time. One of them got married recently, and whilst she's very attractive, I just looked at her husband and thought 'hope you like jacking off...'
Nah they're probably at it like rabbits.
I thought that!!! Just because you weren't sexually compatible doesn't mean they aren't lol! "
True true. But my whole point on this thread has been that we don't seem to have a culture that values fixing problems!
Here are the facts: I have a dick and it works. Now subjectivity I could be shit in bed, fuck ugly or stink. I'll presume I'm not fuck ugly as they had agreed to be my girlfriend without payment or duress. So why not fix the other problems rather than go without?
And on the basis of that logic, I believe his right arm is now two inches bigger than his left. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you are married and have made a commitment that is serious, if you have a boy/girlfriend and they are not doing it for you, end it find another - take control of your life
Believe me.... The day I got married I was deadly serious.
We all are, nobody gets married with the intentions of splitting up, things change, people change, its called life
My marriage got to the point I just couldn't take living the way we did anymore, we didn't even share the same bedroom when we split up
Whats the point in living like that
We was cheating on me neither of us was happy, surely the best thing to do when you get to that point is go your own way
It's definitely the best thing to do. I get lost in thoughts of separating, feeling happy, starting a fresh. When it comes down to it, I just can't do it. My daughter is all for her dad. I'd be alone. I can't leave my daughter "
It's always harder when children are involved, life can be a bastard at times, knowing what to do for the best is hard, sometimes we think we are doing the best but actually we are not, we just have to try and hope its right
People will always put you down no matter what because they would handle your situation so much better than you!! but all you can do is what's right for you and hope |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm a cheat. I cheat because I need the touch of a man. My husband has not given me so much as a cuddle in almost 3 years. Yes, I've asked why. Yes I've cried and still do.
I don't feel strong enough to leave him though.
I can think of at least 3 ex-girlfriends where I used the line "if you won't fuck me then I'll find someone else that will".
Fortunately they were just girlfriends.
I've said that. I come clean and told him I'd cheated. He asked 'who'. I told him 'loads'. He called me a slut and then never mentioned it again. It's a weird situation.
That is weird! I don't believe the girls were cheating but it didn't seem to bother some of them to go 2-3 months without sex. That's what I find strange and keep in mind we were in our 20's at the time. One of them got married recently, and whilst she's very attractive, I just looked at her husband and thought 'hope you like jacking off...'
Nah they're probably at it like rabbits.
I thought that!!! Just because you weren't sexually compatible doesn't mean they aren't lol!
True true. But my whole point on this thread has been that we don't seem to have a culture that values fixing problems!
Here are the facts: I have a dick and it works. Now subjectivity I could be shit in bed, fuck ugly or stink. I'll presume I'm not fuck ugly as they had agreed to be my girlfriend without payment or duress. So why not fix the other problems rather than go without?
And on the basis of that logic, I believe his right arm is now two inches bigger than his left. "
By fix the problem you mean tell them if they won't fuck you you'll find somebody who will? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"If you are married and have made a commitment that is serious, if you have a boy/girlfriend and they are not doing it for you, end it find another - take control of your life
Believe me.... The day I got married I was deadly serious.
We all are, nobody gets married with the intentions of splitting up, things change, people change, its called life
My marriage got to the point I just couldn't take living the way we did anymore, we didn't even share the same bedroom when we split up
Whats the point in living like that
We was cheating on me neither of us was happy, surely the best thing to do when you get to that point is go your own way
It's definitely the best thing to do. I get lost in thoughts of separating, feeling happy, starting a fresh. When it comes down to it, I just can't do it. My daughter is all for her dad. I'd be alone. I can't leave my daughter
It's always harder when children are involved, life can be a bastard at times, knowing what to do for the best is hard, sometimes we think we are doing the best but actually we are not, we just have to try and hope its right
People will always put you down no matter what because they would handle your situation so much better than you!! but all you can do is what's right for you and hope "
It seems our daughter doesn't have a clue about the problems. We have days out and family holidays - all looks fine. But it's not |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm a cheat. I cheat because I need the touch of a man. My husband has not given me so much as a cuddle in almost 3 years. Yes, I've asked why. Yes I've cried and still do.
I don't feel strong enough to leave him though.
I can think of at least 3 ex-girlfriends where I used the line "if you won't fuck me then I'll find someone else that will".
Fortunately they were just girlfriends.
I've said that. I come clean and told him I'd cheated. He asked 'who'. I told him 'loads'. He called me a slut and then never mentioned it again. It's a weird situation.
That is weird! I don't believe the girls were cheating but it didn't seem to bother some of them to go 2-3 months without sex. That's what I find strange and keep in mind we were in our 20's at the time. One of them got married recently, and whilst she's very attractive, I just looked at her husband and thought 'hope you like jacking off...'
Nah they're probably at it like rabbits.
I thought that!!! Just because you weren't sexually compatible doesn't mean they aren't lol!
True true. But my whole point on this thread has been that we don't seem to have a culture that values fixing problems!
Here are the facts: I have a dick and it works. Now subjectivity I could be shit in bed, fuck ugly or stink. I'll presume I'm not fuck ugly as they had agreed to be my girlfriend without payment or duress. So why not fix the other problems rather than go without?
And on the basis of that logic, I believe his right arm is now two inches bigger than his left. "
What if he's left handed???  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm a cheat. I cheat because I need the touch of a man. My husband has not given me so much as a cuddle in almost 3 years. Yes, I've asked why. Yes I've cried and still do.
I don't feel strong enough to leave him though.
I can think of at least 3 ex-girlfriends where I used the line "if you won't fuck me then I'll find someone else that will".
Fortunately they were just girlfriends.
I've said that. I come clean and told him I'd cheated. He asked 'who'. I told him 'loads'. He called me a slut and then never mentioned it again. It's a weird situation.
That is weird! I don't believe the girls were cheating but it didn't seem to bother some of them to go 2-3 months without sex. That's what I find strange and keep in mind we were in our 20's at the time. One of them got married recently, and whilst she's very attractive, I just looked at her husband and thought 'hope you like jacking off...'
Nah they're probably at it like rabbits.
I thought that!!! Just because you weren't sexually compatible doesn't mean they aren't lol!
True true. But my whole point on this thread has been that we don't seem to have a culture that values fixing problems!
Here are the facts: I have a dick and it works. Now subjectivity I could be shit in bed, fuck ugly or stink. I'll presume I'm not fuck ugly as they had agreed to be my girlfriend without payment or duress. So why not fix the other problems rather than go without?
And on the basis of that logic, I believe his right arm is now two inches bigger than his left. "
Your logic sucks cos neither of you are the same person as you were eight years ago. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm a cheat. I cheat because I need the touch of a man. My husband has not given me so much as a cuddle in almost 3 years. Yes, I've asked why. Yes I've cried and still do.
I don't feel strong enough to leave him though.
I can think of at least 3 ex-girlfriends where I used the line "if you won't fuck me then I'll find someone else that will".
Fortunately they were just girlfriends.
I've said that. I come clean and told him I'd cheated. He asked 'who'. I told him 'loads'. He called me a slut and then never mentioned it again. It's a weird situation.
That is weird! I don't believe the girls were cheating but it didn't seem to bother some of them to go 2-3 months without sex. That's what I find strange and keep in mind we were in our 20's at the time. One of them got married recently, and whilst she's very attractive, I just looked at her husband and thought 'hope you like jacking off...'
Nah they're probably at it like rabbits.
I thought that!!! Just because you weren't sexually compatible doesn't mean they aren't lol!
True true. But my whole point on this thread has been that we don't seem to have a culture that values fixing problems!
Here are the facts: I have a dick and it works. Now subjectivity I could be shit in bed, fuck ugly or stink. I'll presume I'm not fuck ugly as they had agreed to be my girlfriend without payment or duress. So why not fix the other problems rather than go without?
And on the basis of that logic, I believe his right arm is now two inches bigger than his left.
By fix the problem you mean tell them if they won't fuck you you'll find somebody who will?"
Well that was a last ditch attempt at shock therapy in the form of an ultimatum. I'd already exhausted my seduction repertoire by that point. The reason I bought it up is that I found it shocking that some people felt a relationship could continue / succeed without a regular sex life. As I said, we were in our 20's and boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't understand why they just didn't dump me before it got like that. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm a cheat. I cheat because I need the touch of a man. My husband has not given me so much as a cuddle in almost 3 years. Yes, I've asked why. Yes I've cried and still do.
I don't feel strong enough to leave him though.
I can think of at least 3 ex-girlfriends where I used the line "if you won't fuck me then I'll find someone else that will".
Fortunately they were just girlfriends.
I've said that. I come clean and told him I'd cheated. He asked 'who'. I told him 'loads'. He called me a slut and then never mentioned it again. It's a weird situation.
That is weird! I don't believe the girls were cheating but it didn't seem to bother some of them to go 2-3 months without sex. That's what I find strange and keep in mind we were in our 20's at the time. One of them got married recently, and whilst she's very attractive, I just looked at her husband and thought 'hope you like jacking off...'
Nah they're probably at it like rabbits.
I thought that!!! Just because you weren't sexually compatible doesn't mean they aren't lol!
True true. But my whole point on this thread has been that we don't seem to have a culture that values fixing problems!
Here are the facts: I have a dick and it works. Now subjectivity I could be shit in bed, fuck ugly or stink. I'll presume I'm not fuck ugly as they had agreed to be my girlfriend without payment or duress. So why not fix the other problems rather than go without?
And on the basis of that logic, I believe his right arm is now two inches bigger than his left.
Your logic sucks cos neither of you are the same person as you were eight years ago."
Btw you have come across as pretty arrogant (to me) by laying the blame at her door and and also assuming she still goes without sex for 2-3 months at a time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm a cheat. I cheat because I need the touch of a man. My husband has not given me so much as a cuddle in almost 3 years. Yes, I've asked why. Yes I've cried and still do.
I don't feel strong enough to leave him though.
I can think of at least 3 ex-girlfriends where I used the line "if you won't fuck me then I'll find someone else that will".
Fortunately they were just girlfriends.
I've said that. I come clean and told him I'd cheated. He asked 'who'. I told him 'loads'. He called me a slut and then never mentioned it again. It's a weird situation.
That is weird! I don't believe the girls were cheating but it didn't seem to bother some of them to go 2-3 months without sex. That's what I find strange and keep in mind we were in our 20's at the time. One of them got married recently, and whilst she's very attractive, I just looked at her husband and thought 'hope you like jacking off...'
Nah they're probably at it like rabbits.
I thought that!!! Just because you weren't sexually compatible doesn't mean they aren't lol!
True true. But my whole point on this thread has been that we don't seem to have a culture that values fixing problems!
Here are the facts: I have a dick and it works. Now subjectivity I could be shit in bed, fuck ugly or stink. I'll presume I'm not fuck ugly as they had agreed to be my girlfriend without payment or duress. So why not fix the other problems rather than go without?
And on the basis of that logic, I believe his right arm is now two inches bigger than his left.
Your logic sucks cos neither of you are the same person as you were eight years ago."
Possibly, people can change. Personally I've never known anyone go from dead fish to rabbit though. I think most rabbits have that spark about them long before their mid-20's. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm a cheat. I cheat because I need the touch of a man. My husband has not given me so much as a cuddle in almost 3 years. Yes, I've asked why. Yes I've cried and still do.
I don't feel strong enough to leave him though.
I can think of at least 3 ex-girlfriends where I used the line "if you won't fuck me then I'll find someone else that will".
Fortunately they were just girlfriends.
I've said that. I come clean and told him I'd cheated. He asked 'who'. I told him 'loads'. He called me a slut and then never mentioned it again. It's a weird situation.
That is weird! I don't believe the girls were cheating but it didn't seem to bother some of them to go 2-3 months without sex. That's what I find strange and keep in mind we were in our 20's at the time. One of them got married recently, and whilst she's very attractive, I just looked at her husband and thought 'hope you like jacking off...'
Nah they're probably at it like rabbits.
I thought that!!! Just because you weren't sexually compatible doesn't mean they aren't lol!
True true. But my whole point on this thread has been that we don't seem to have a culture that values fixing problems!
Here are the facts: I have a dick and it works. Now subjectivity I could be shit in bed, fuck ugly or stink. I'll presume I'm not fuck ugly as they had agreed to be my girlfriend without payment or duress. So why not fix the other problems rather than go without?
And on the basis of that logic, I believe his right arm is now two inches bigger than his left.
Your logic sucks cos neither of you are the same person as you were eight years ago.
Btw you have come across as pretty arrogant (to me) by laying the blame at her door and and also assuming she still goes without sex for 2-3 months at a time."
As you like, as I mentioned, I tried many things to improve the situation and she didn't. I wouldn't be with someone I didn't want to fuck so I find it strange that some people do. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you are married and have made a commitment that is serious, if you have a boy/girlfriend and they are not doing it for you, end it find another - take control of your life
Believe me.... The day I got married I was deadly serious.
We all are, nobody gets married with the intentions of splitting up, things change, people change, its called life
My marriage got to the point I just couldn't take living the way we did anymore, we didn't even share the same bedroom when we split up
Whats the point in living like that
We was cheating on me neither of us was happy, surely the best thing to do when you get to that point is go your own way
It's definitely the best thing to do. I get lost in thoughts of separating, feeling happy, starting a fresh. When it comes down to it, I just can't do it. My daughter is all for her dad. I'd be alone. I can't leave my daughter
It's always harder when children are involved, life can be a bastard at times, knowing what to do for the best is hard, sometimes we think we are doing the best but actually we are not, we just have to try and hope its right
People will always put you down no matter what because they would handle your situation so much better than you!! but all you can do is what's right for you and hope
It seems our daughter doesn't have a clue about the problems. We have days out and family holidays - all looks fine. But it's not "
There are loads (thousands?) of people living like that. Sex on birthdays and Christmas. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"No it wouldn't be fair to say that at all.
Everyone has their own backstory. I posted once exactly why I was here. You'd be surprised how many PMs I got, from men and women, in exactly the same situation. My inbox had never been busier. But I'm not going to repeat it all today.
Some people will say it's black and white. Cheaters should leave their partners as they can't love them.
All I'll say is .. walk in their shoes first then judge. "
Completely agree. |
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By *ransGuyTV/TS
over a year ago
Cardiff |
"
It seems our daughter doesn't have a clue about the problems. We have days out and family holidays - all looks fine. But it's not "
So did we, from the outside it all looked fine but I knew. If I was asked then yes of course I was happy, like I was going to turn around and say no and cause more problems. But then I was never asked, not by my parents, but would I have told them? And risk more arguements? My brother had already moved out back to my Dad's and I was afraid Mum couldn't cope on her own without my Step-Dad, I didn't understand what it meant for them to split up with where we would live money etc.
Now I would but I'm not a child now. Now I just turn round to my now parents and tell them to either pack it in arguing as they are both being daft or work it out between them, the difference is that they do genuinely work together and the arguements are silly little ones that end up generally with laughter (the nice type not the mocking type).
I know not everyone's situation is the same but one thing I would urge parents "staying together for the kids" is to talk to their children and understand that when you do your child may fear that they will say the wrong thing and make things worse, or that they may not understand fully what is going on or know that families can actually be happy together but they aren't happy they just don't know how to explain why.
Young children may not understand the reasoning but they feel the tension. For example you could always tell when my Step-Sister was having issues with which ever bloke she was with because her young son (I've known him since he was about 4/5 so quite young) because he would stutter and shy away, you knew how bad it was at how by how bad his stutter was, if it was good then no stutter and he was a happy child.
If the children truely can not tell then awesome for them, some of us aren't so lucky. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you are married and have made a commitment that is serious, if you have a boy/girlfriend and they are not doing it for you, end it find another - take control of your life
Believe me.... The day I got married I was deadly serious.
We all are, nobody gets married with the intentions of splitting up, things change, people change, its called life
My marriage got to the point I just couldn't take living the way we did anymore, we didn't even share the same bedroom when we split up
Whats the point in living like that
We was cheating on me neither of us was happy, surely the best thing to do when you get to that point is go your own way
It's definitely the best thing to do. I get lost in thoughts of separating, feeling happy, starting a fresh. When it comes down to it, I just can't do it. My daughter is all for her dad. I'd be alone. I can't leave my daughter
It's always harder when children are involved, life can be a bastard at times, knowing what to do for the best is hard, sometimes we think we are doing the best but actually we are not, we just have to try and hope its right
People will always put you down no matter what because they would handle your situation so much better than you!! but all you can do is what's right for you and hope
It seems our daughter doesn't have a clue about the problems. We have days out and family holidays - all looks fine. But it's not
There are loads (thousands?) of people living like that. Sex on birthdays and Christmas."
It's been almost 3 years for us. Looks like it's never going to change |
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"There are as many different reasons as there are people.
You will never understand anyone's particular relationship unless you are one of the people in it. You can choose to think all of the reasons are bullshit, none of the reasons are bullshit or any combination in between. If there's one thing that's clear its that people have their own fixed positions on what they think on this topic - which is usually informed by their own experience - and it's futile trying to challenge that in any way.
Oh, and if you ever do anything other than meekly hide quietly on here and not ever mention anything, you'll be accused of jumping up and down trying to justify yourself. but some do jump up and down trying to justify themselves. Then there are those that just quietly get on with it
Those aren't the only two options available, I've never attempted to justify myself because I don't particularly care what people who don't know me think. But if someone posts asking a question, people answering it are often told they are trying to justify themselves. No, they're just answering the question in the thread. your always trying to justify yourself by saying people don't understand your situation as though if they did they would automatically understand.
I don't care what people do or why they do it, but there's different ways of going about it and there's ways certain people go about things I don't like. My opinion
Thanks for neatly proving my point. I am never trying to justify myself - I couldn't give less of a shit what you think of me. If I say people don't understand my situation, it's just saying that. Not that if they understood they would agree or do the same as me, just that they shouldn't claim to understand why people do things. "
I would agree,I don't see you ever trying to justify yourself. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you are married and have made a commitment that is serious, if you have a boy/girlfriend and they are not doing it for you, end it find another - take control of your life
Believe me.... The day I got married I was deadly serious.
We all are, nobody gets married with the intentions of splitting up, things change, people change, its called life
My marriage got to the point I just couldn't take living the way we did anymore, we didn't even share the same bedroom when we split up
Whats the point in living like that
We was cheating on me neither of us was happy, surely the best thing to do when you get to that point is go your own way
It's definitely the best thing to do. I get lost in thoughts of separating, feeling happy, starting a fresh. When it comes down to it, I just can't do it. My daughter is all for her dad. I'd be alone. I can't leave my daughter
It's always harder when children are involved, life can be a bastard at times, knowing what to do for the best is hard, sometimes we think we are doing the best but actually we are not, we just have to try and hope its right
People will always put you down no matter what because they would handle your situation so much better than you!! but all you can do is what's right for you and hope
It seems our daughter doesn't have a clue about the problems. We have days out and family holidays - all looks fine. But it's not
There are loads (thousands?) of people living like that. Sex on birthdays and Christmas.
It's been almost 3 years for us. Looks like it's never going to change"
I hope you find what makes you happy. x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If you are married and have made a commitment that is serious, if you have a boy/girlfriend and they are not doing it for you, end it find another - take control of your life
Believe me.... The day I got married I was deadly serious.
We all are, nobody gets married with the intentions of splitting up, things change, people change, its called life
My marriage got to the point I just couldn't take living the way we did anymore, we didn't even share the same bedroom when we split up
Whats the point in living like that
We was cheating on me neither of us was happy, surely the best thing to do when you get to that point is go your own way
It's definitely the best thing to do. I get lost in thoughts of separating, feeling happy, starting a fresh. When it comes down to it, I just can't do it. My daughter is all for her dad. I'd be alone. I can't leave my daughter
It's always harder when children are involved, life can be a bastard at times, knowing what to do for the best is hard, sometimes we think we are doing the best but actually we are not, we just have to try and hope its right
People will always put you down no matter what because they would handle your situation so much better than you!! but all you can do is what's right for you and hope
It seems our daughter doesn't have a clue about the problems. We have days out and family holidays - all looks fine. But it's not
There are loads (thousands?) of people living like that. Sex on birthdays and Christmas.
It's been almost 3 years for us. Looks like it's never going to change
I hope you find what makes you happy. x"
Thank you x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I slept with someone behind my exes back, that was enough for me to know I no longer wanted to be with him, so I left him days later. Even though he'd cheated numerous times, it wasn't a relationship I wanted to be in. I'd stayed with him mainly because I had no one around, I didn't love him. So I decided to sort myself out and get a circle of friends, which helped loads. So glad to be out of that type of relationship, it wasn't good. I'm happy and so are my children |
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I totally agree my bf and I are both divorced with children from those marriages. Our children are all happy and have as much contact with the patent they don't live with as they choose. They are destroyed and are well adjusted happy successful people.
"
And some think about kids that may be involved and stay for that reason. Divorce destroys children!
No it doesn't - parents fighting in front of children can cause damage too. It all depends how a split is managed by the parents. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Being so unhappy in a relationship and staying together just for kids isn't fair on any of u? You are the adults and have to give kids plenty of reassurance that because parent's have split up doesn't mean either of you love them any less and when they speak or see the 1 who left treat them like you normally would have done as a couple. It will help kids adjust quicker x
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i cheated because i was in a relationship with no affection or love, and as someone really into both those things, i found it really hard.
a chance of some affection came along so i took it, i dont regret cheating but i regret not leaving the relationship earlier.
mr |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Because the ideals of love and respect don't mean shit anymore. But hey, they have to live with their conscious, not us...as long as we are not knowingly involved then crack on |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Because the ideals of love and respect don't mean shit anymore. But hey, they have to live with their conscious, not us...as long as we are not knowingly involved then crack on "
i thought like that a long time ago but the scales fell away from my eyes and realize not everything is in black and white,i'm also not a judge and there is always a different side to the story |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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To cut a long story short I like sex, she has trouble having sex due to various problems, but as I've said, it's a long story of many complications that unless you're me you won't understand. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Because the ideals of love and respect don't mean shit anymore. But hey, they have to live with their conscious, not us...as long as we are not knowingly involved then crack on "
I remember I had exactly the same answers as you...lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I know there's always two sides, but I find it really hard understand why anyone would. I've been the person who gets hurt several times now and I just don't get why anyone would riskaking their partner feel like that |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To cut a long story short I like sex, she has trouble having sex due to various problems, but as I've said, it's a long story of many complications that unless you're me you won't understand. "
Jesus your only 22
Your cheating due to problems in your relationship already |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think cheating is in the nature of humans,Male and female. We're not naturally monogamous animals.
If we were ancestors of a monogamous animal,things may be different.
But the moment i blew my spuds when I cheated, I instantly felt sick and wished I was somewhere other then there....never again,knew it was wrong. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Because the ideals of love and respect don't mean shit anymore. But hey, they have to live with their conscious, not us...as long as we are not knowingly involved then crack on "
What's love got to do, got to do with it? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To cut a long story short I like sex, she has trouble having sex due to various problems, but as I've said, it's a long story of many complications that unless you're me you won't understand.
Jesus your only 22
Your cheating due to problems in your relationship already "
Like I said, unless you're me you won't understand. Age has nothing to do with it, we can all make the same mistakes no matter what age we are |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To cut a long story short I like sex, she has trouble having sex due to various problems, but as I've said, it's a long story of many complications that unless you're me you won't understand.
Jesus your only 22
Your cheating due to problems in your relationship already "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I cheated because I was scared to leave an emotionally abusive relasionship n in a weird way it was easier to be pushed then to jump. I'm still good friend's with my ex and sadly he has since made it clear that he didn't relise how abusive he was being. He simply just loved me too much. We have both learn some very vaulble lessons but do I regret it? No. Because if I hadn't of cheated id still be sad lonely and scared and he would be none the wiser of his actions. |
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