FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > Monogamy is outdated
Monogamy is outdated
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"I haven't got time to look at the video but I think that people should be able to live in the type of relationship that all involved are most happy with including a monogamous one. I feel that no type of relationship should be referred to as outdated it's like telling people they shouldn't be that way and I thought we were moving away from that." I agree, but i don't think that most monogamous couples made the choice to be monogamous, they are just unaware of other relationship types and are monogamous by default. We certainly were before we discovered swinging. | |||
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"He also wrote Sex at Dawn, a key text on the subject. He's right, humans aren't designed for monogamy. If you read things like Sperm Wars you will find that the human penis is designed to flush out another man's semen from the vagina, so its physiological as well as psychological. If you enjoy this type of discussion i would also recommend the Savage Love Cast, Life on the Swingset and the podcast by Tristan Taormino" Thanks will check that out! | |||
"I haven't got time to look at the video but I think that people should be able to live in the type of relationship that all involved are most happy with including a monogamous one. I feel that no type of relationship should be referred to as outdated it's like telling people they shouldn't be that way and I thought we were moving away from that. I agree, but i don't think that most monogamous couples made the choice to be monogamous, they are just unaware of other relationship types and are monogamous by default. We certainly were before we discovered swinging." That could well be true but we have no way of knowing how many of them would choose an alternative if they were aware. I understand that monogamy is a social and religious thing designed to ensure that money and title stayed in a blood line and to give protection to children but it could also be a valid choice for some. | |||
"If I could choose between meeting one women who I love completely and utterly, who feels the same way about me, and spending the rest of our lives together, or snorting cocaine and fucking a new supermodel every night... I'd easily go for the first option. " So would anyone. No need to have drug fueled sex sessions to be the opposite of monogamous. It's just saying that in a committed relationship, people beat themselves up over feeling attracted to other peopl,, and that their marriage is doomed because of it. It's natural to get those urges but we shouldn't be feeling ashamed of ourselves for having those feelings | |||
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"If I could choose between meeting one women who I love completely and utterly, who feels the same way about me, and spending the rest of our lives together, or snorting cocaine and fucking a new supermodel every night... I'd easily go for the first option. So would anyone. No need to have drug fueled sex sessions to be the opposite of monogamous. It's just saying that in a committed relationship, people beat themselves up over feeling attracted to other peopl,, and that their marriage is doomed because of it. It's natural to get those urges but we shouldn't be feeling ashamed of ourselves for having those feelings " Perhaps it's because so many people enter into a relationship without realising the deeper meaning behind what a relationship actually is. | |||
"I haven't got time to look at the video but I think that people should be able to live in the type of relationship that all involved are most happy with including a monogamous one. I feel that no type of relationship should be referred to as outdated it's like telling people they shouldn't be that way and I thought we were moving away from that. I agree, but i don't think that most monogamous couples made the choice to be monogamous, they are just unaware of other relationship types and are monogamous by default. We certainly were before we discovered swinging." Spot on! We just get told about one type of relationship and if we want to be different we are outcast. Who here would tell their families about the types of relationships they have. Very few I reckon, although definitely there are trail blazers out there | |||
"If I could choose between meeting one women who I love completely and utterly, who feels the same way about me, and spending the rest of our lives together, or snorting cocaine and fucking a new supermodel every night... I'd easily go for the first option. So would anyone. No need to have drug fueled sex sessions to be the opposite of monogamous. It's just saying that in a committed relationship, people beat themselves up over feeling attracted to other peopl,, and that their marriage is doomed because of it. It's natural to get those urges but we shouldn't be feeling ashamed of ourselves for having those feelings " Are people in general ashamed of feeling attraction to others? Does monogamy mean never even looking at another person? My parents have been married for 60 years and as far as I know have been completely monogamous but they both used to joke about fancying people......Judith Chalmers was my dad's favourite .
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"I haven't got time to look at the video but I think that people should be able to live in the type of relationship that all involved are most happy with including a monogamous one. I feel that no type of relationship should be referred to as outdated it's like telling people they shouldn't be that way and I thought we were moving away from that. I agree, but i don't think that most monogamous couples made the choice to be monogamous, they are just unaware of other relationship types and are monogamous by default. We certainly were before we discovered swinging." I didn't even know this (because i hadn't seen any examples of it from anyone else) but when i first started dating properly i had 5 boyfriends at once and loved it but did eventually 'settle down' when i had kids coz everyone else did that. I even wanted a relationship with 2 guys at once at the age of 19 when me and boyfriend had a 3um with his best mate. Found out a fair bit about poly relationships on here and found it interesting, i do like how people have arranged their life this way from quite a young age because i would have liked to do this. | |||
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"I haven't got time to look at the video but I think that people should be able to live in the type of relationship that all involved are most happy with including a monogamous one. I feel that no type of relationship should be referred to as outdated it's like telling people they shouldn't be that way and I thought we were moving away from that. I agree, but i don't think that most monogamous couples made the choice to be monogamous, they are just unaware of other relationship types and are monogamous by default. We certainly were before we discovered swinging. Spot on! We just get told about one type of relationship and if we want to be different we are outcast. Who here would tell their families about the types of relationships they have. Very few I reckon, although definitely there are trail blazers out there " We wouldn't tell our families that's true but let's not make monogamists (is that a word?) outcasts in the process..... | |||
"If I could choose between meeting one women who I love completely and utterly, who feels the same way about me, and spending the rest of our lives together, or snorting cocaine and fucking a new supermodel every night... I'd easily go for the first option. So would anyone. No need to have drug fueled sex sessions to be the opposite of monogamous. It's just saying that in a committed relationship, people beat themselves up over feeling attracted to other peopl,, and that their marriage is doomed because of it. It's natural to get those urges but we shouldn't be feeling ashamed of ourselves for having those feelings Are people in general ashamed of feeling attraction to others? Does monogamy mean never even looking at another person? My parents have been married for 60 years and as far as I know have been completely monogamous but they both used to joke about fancying people......Judith Chalmers was my dad's favourite .
"Agreed and I'm sure many couples often tease about this sort of thing. I'm talking about a genuine physical desire to want to be with another person, purely to just have sex, without wrecking the status quo of their relationship. | |||
"I haven't got time to look at the video but I think that people should be able to live in the type of relationship that all involved are most happy with including a monogamous one. I feel that no type of relationship should be referred to as outdated it's like telling people they shouldn't be that way and I thought we were moving away from that. I agree, but i don't think that most monogamous couples made the choice to be monogamous, they are just unaware of other relationship types and are monogamous by default. We certainly were before we discovered swinging. Spot on! We just get told about one type of relationship and if we want to be different we are outcast. Who here would tell their families about the types of relationships they have. Very few I reckon, although definitely there are trail blazers out there We wouldn't tell our families that's true but let's not make monogamists (is that a word?) outcasts in the process....." Each to their own, most definitely. Monogamy does suit most people. But they're the majority, and they control how the alternative type of relationships are perceived. I would love to ask if people would share the link in the original post with people they know.. I think the world would be a much happier place with more sexual tolerance. Anyone? | |||
"I haven't got time to look at the video but I think that people should be able to live in the type of relationship that all involved are most happy with including a monogamous one. I feel that no type of relationship should be referred to as outdated it's like telling people they shouldn't be that way and I thought we were moving away from that. I agree, but i don't think that most monogamous couples made the choice to be monogamous, they are just unaware of other relationship types and are monogamous by default. We certainly were before we discovered swinging. I didn't even know this (because i hadn't seen any examples of it from anyone else) but when i first started dating properly i had 5 boyfriends at once and loved it but did eventually 'settle down' when i had kids coz everyone else did that. I even wanted a relationship with 2 guys at once at the age of 19 when me and boyfriend had a 3um with his best mate. Found out a fair bit about poly relationships on here and found it interesting, i do like how people have arranged their life this way from quite a young age because i would have liked to do this." Well it sounds like you're a natural born swinger! I guess i was too, from a young age i struggled to understand men that didn't want their partner to dress attractively, and told them to cover up. I always thought i want everyone to know I've got a hot partner, rather than everyone think i have an ugly partner. Also i didn't understand why only people in relationships got to have sex. I figured I'll enjoy it, she'll enjoy it, so whats the problem? | |||
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"If I could choose between meeting one women who I love completely and utterly, who feels the same way about me, and spending the rest of our lives together, or snorting cocaine and fucking a new supermodel every night... I'd easily go for the first option. So would anyone. No need to have drug fueled sex sessions to be the opposite of monogamous. It's just saying that in a committed relationship, people beat themselves up over feeling attracted to other peopl,, and that their marriage is doomed because of it. It's natural to get those urges but we shouldn't be feeling ashamed of ourselves for having those feelings Perhaps it's because so many people enter into a relationship without realising the deeper meaning behind what a relationship actually is." That's very true.. Sex isn't the only thing that keeps people together, it's a decent chunk of it, but you seek different things from long term partners, love, support, strength, children, family etc. | |||
"If I could choose between meeting one women who I love completely and utterly, who feels the same way about me, and spending the rest of our lives together, or snorting cocaine and fucking a new supermodel every night... I'd easily go for the first option. So would anyone. No need to have drug fueled sex sessions to be the opposite of monogamous. It's just saying that in a committed relationship, people beat themselves up over feeling attracted to other peopl,, and that their marriage is doomed because of it. It's natural to get those urges but we shouldn't be feeling ashamed of ourselves for having those feelings Are people in general ashamed of feeling attraction to others? Does monogamy mean never even looking at another person? My parents have been married for 60 years and as far as I know have been completely monogamous but they both used to joke about fancying people......Judith Chalmers was my dad's favourite .
Agreed and I'm sure many couples often tease about this sort of thing. I'm talking about a genuine physical desire to want to be with another person, purely to just have sex, without wrecking the status quo of their relationship. "I honestly believe that some people are just not suited emotionally to that type of relationship whether that's nature or nurture I don't know but I really don't think it's as straightforward as biology and genes. I understand what you're saying and would advocate for everyone to be able to live the emotional and sexual life they choose as long as no one gets hurt unnecessarily. However I have seen too many singles on here say that while they are willing to join in with couples they would never consider "sharing" (and that's the stumbling block, the ownership mentality) a loved partner to believe that monogamy is outdated just yet. | |||
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"Well it sounds like you're a natural born swinger! I guess i was too, from a young age i struggled to understand men that didn't want their partner to dress attractively, and told them to cover up. I always thought i want everyone to know I've got a hot partner, rather than everyone think i have an ugly partner. Also i didn't understand why only people in relationships got to have sex. I figured I'll enjoy it, she'll enjoy it, so whats the problem? " I'm not a jealous person naturally and also like it if someone finds my partner attractive. I'm with someone who makes me really happy and he's not into swinging but i don't mind if we don't swing coz i just want him anyway. I've got kids with 2 guys and the first 2 their dad didn't bother with them, the 2nd 2 their dad does and bothers with the oldest 2 as well. So although i wasn't seeing both guys at once i do feel my kids have had a better life with me not staying with one guy, and their younger years would've been better (in terms of a male authority figure) if i'd not been monogamous. So i can see personal advantages for my life. You don't need to quote me and reply, i saw your other post. | |||
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Monogamy has always struck me as a social construct. It facilitates child rearing, simplifies property ownership issues, and, arguably, mitigates the spread of disease.
But it's not, as others may claim, inherently right. Indeed, it's perfectly rational to conclude that nothing in this world of ours is "right" and "wrong" as such, both being constructs of our own design (if you subscribe to that relativistic philosophy, anyway).
Polyamory/Polygamy is, in some respects, a viable alternative. It's certainly a life choice partly embodied by the swinging community, and is practised in the Islamic world (with a sexist twist, though).
However, whilst the act of having multiple sexual partners is doable (and enjoyable!) within the fairly liberal context of swinging, it does not represent full polyamory/polygamy.
Not only do I question the ability of most people (not everyone!) to love more than one person equally, I also foresee significant difficulties arising from a change in culture to a polyamorous/polygamous order.
In order for it to be viable, we'd have to start society from scratch, and develop a host of new customs and laws to reflect the changes. Child custody, marriage, and property laws would all have to be modified.
As a result, I think what we have no works quite well - a neat, organised monogamous order, with the option of multiple sexual partners for us horny ones, and multiple amorous partners for those willing to accept the inevitable complications such arrangements may bring!  | |||
" Of course if people choose to stay with one partner thats entirely up to them fair play to you in all things but i think you miss out on a lot if you do that, people are fantastic sexy funny and silly and to embrace that is the best "The best for you. | |||
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"I didnt either look at the video but it is still happening tho, so he is wrong lol." Que? What does that mean please?  | |||
"Cheaters love this kind of stuff: "It wasn't my fault, my genes made me do it"." Did you watch the video? Did you consider what was said? | |||
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"A lot of people talk about relationships, love, emotion, fidelity,cheating etc. What no one ever mentions is that MARRIAGE has little to do about love or fidelity. MARRIAGE is a legal contract entered into to protect lineage including blood and money. Historically men profited from marriage as everything a woman owned became his including her and their children. Somewhere through history the idea of love as a schmaltzy chocolate and flower valentine confused everybody. Sex, Love, Marriage are three different things. " Yes and its interesting to see that younger people are moving away from marriage but still consider themselves bound monogomously to each other by property and children. | |||
"Monogamy is what I grew up with, but in realising there's another way, I wonder which of my family members would be happier with someone else. One of my family members has bucked the trend of our families by getting a divorce, and is not shunned, so I think people are more understanding than we give them credit for. I was in Moscow once a while back, and met a guy who was pretty much signing his divorce papers because he'd struck up a relationship with another woman, and that's fine, it confused me at the time, and it wasn't the first time he had done it apparently, but I wasn't familiar with it, so I was confused. On the point of jealousy, I've been there also, and I don't ever want to revisit that place. Another part of my reasoning behind joining the swinging community. Where better to learn to let go of such things than with a group of people who "share" their partners regularly?" But ...... swingers don't share their partners. They allow them to have sex with others without recrimination ..... they don't allow emotions. Swinging is the sharing of sex. It's not generally polyamorous. Once you've finished fucking you all go your own way. | |||
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"Monogamy is what I grew up with, but in realising there's another way, I wonder which of my family members would be happier with someone else. One of my family members has bucked the trend of our families by getting a divorce, and is not shunned, so I think people are more understanding than we give them credit for. I was in Moscow once a while back, and met a guy who was pretty much signing his divorce papers because he'd struck up a relationship with another woman, and that's fine, it confused me at the time, and it wasn't the first time he had done it apparently, but I wasn't familiar with it, so I was confused. On the point of jealousy, I've been there also, and I don't ever want to revisit that place. Another part of my reasoning behind joining the swinging community. Where better to learn to let go of such things than with a group of people who "share" their partners regularly? But ...... swingers don't share their partners. They allow them to have sex with others without recrimination ..... they don't allow emotions. Swinging is the sharing of sex. It's not generally polyamorous. Once you've finished fucking you all go your own way. " Once again I agree. In my opinion polyamory still insists that you have a relationship with whoever you have sex with, meaning casual sex is still not accepted. | |||
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"Society and religion indoctrinate us to believe that having poligamous sex is wrong. This is standard practice when social control mechanisms seek to generate compliance with its aims by restricting its followers' natural urges. Consider why Christians have Lent, Muslims Ramadan, Hindus do not eat cows etc etc. Consequently when programmed by this indoctrination the "cheated" on party is bound to feel upset. The mode of upset is usually "loss of trust" as it would be if a Muslim ate "unlawfully" during Ramadan. If however there was no expectation of sexual fidelity there would be no upset and no loss of trust. What the man in the video is proposing is that humans are psychologically and physiologically developed to have sex with multiple partners and that modern society (the last 5,000 years of our 200,000 year existence) has tried to promote unnatural monagamy. He correctly concludes, in my opinion, that huge damage is done to our species by the imposition of this unnatural paradigm which, for the most part of our existence, has been polyamourous. " Is there any proof that humans have for the most part of our existence been polyamorous? Is there any data on the possible damage that might be done if monogamy wasn't insisted upon and if so is it greater or lesser than the perceived huge damage that it's caused? | |||
"Monogamy is what I grew up with, but in realising there's another way, I wonder which of my family members would be happier with someone else. One of my family members has bucked the trend of our families by getting a divorce, and is not shunned, so I think people are more understanding than we give them credit for. I was in Moscow once a while back, and met a guy who was pretty much signing his divorce papers because he'd struck up a relationship with another woman, and that's fine, it confused me at the time, and it wasn't the first time he had done it apparently, but I wasn't familiar with it, so I was confused. On the point of jealousy, I've been there also, and I don't ever want to revisit that place. Another part of my reasoning behind joining the swinging community. Where better to learn to let go of such things than with a group of people who "share" their partners regularly? But ...... swingers don't share their partners. They allow them to have sex with others without recrimination ..... they don't allow emotions. Swinging is the sharing of sex. It's not generally polyamorous. Once you've finished fucking you all go your own way. " I agree. I was hoping by putting it in quotations, there would have been leniency for a different explanation, I just lacked finding the right words, while your description isn't exactly what I was hoping for, it is better than what I wrote haha. | |||
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"Society and religion indoctrinate us to believe that having poligamous sex is wrong. This is standard practice when social control mechanisms seek to generate compliance with its aims by restricting its followers' natural urges. Consider why Christians have Lent, Muslims Ramadan, Hindus do not eat cows etc etc. Consequently when programmed by this indoctrination the "cheated" on party is bound to feel upset. The mode of upset is usually "loss of trust" as it would be if a Muslim ate "unlawfully" during Ramadan. If however there was no expectation of sexual fidelity there would be no upset and no loss of trust. What the man in the video is proposing is that humans are psychologically and physiologically developed to have sex with multiple partners and that modern society (the last 5,000 years of our 200,000 year existence) has tried to promote unnatural monagamy. He correctly concludes, in my opinion, that huge damage is done to our species by the imposition of this unnatural paradigm which, for the most part of our existence, has been polyamourous. Is there any proof that humans have for the most part of our existence been polyamorous? Is there any data on the possible damage that might be done if monogamy wasn't insisted upon and if so is it greater or lesser than the perceived huge damage that it's caused?" If we're going down this route, would roads have been invented if we had remained polyamorous? What about the industrial revolution? Written communication? Would anyone have cared? Would we have had so many wars? It's impossible to know what life would have been like, so we just have to decide what the best route to take our lives now would be | |||
"Just had a brief chat with someone who knows more about this than I ever will. She put me right on polygamous and casual sex. It is acceptable to polyamorists as long as all agree and know about it. Which to me is the basis for any aspect not just the sexual side, of any good relationship." I agree with your conclusion nicecouple | |||
"Society and religion indoctrinate us to believe that having poligamous sex is wrong. This is standard practice when social control mechanisms seek to generate compliance with its aims by restricting its followers' natural urges. Consider why Christians have Lent, Muslims Ramadan, Hindus do not eat cows etc etc. Consequently when programmed by this indoctrination the "cheated" on party is bound to feel upset. The mode of upset is usually "loss of trust" as it would be if a Muslim ate "unlawfully" during Ramadan. If however there was no expectation of sexual fidelity there would be no upset and no loss of trust. What the man in the video is proposing is that humans are psychologically and physiologically developed to have sex with multiple partners and that modern society (the last 5,000 years of our 200,000 year existence) has tried to promote unnatural monagamy. He correctly concludes, in my opinion, that huge damage is done to our species by the imposition of this unnatural paradigm which, for the most part of our existence, has been polyamourous. Is there any proof that humans have for the most part of our existence been polyamorous? Is there any data on the possible damage that might be done if monogamy wasn't insisted upon and if so is it greater or lesser than the perceived huge damage that it's caused? If we're going down this route, would roads have been invented if we had remained polyamorous? What about the industrial revolution? Written communication? Would anyone have cared? Would we have had so many wars? It's impossible to know what life would have been like, so we just have to decide what the best route to take our lives now would be" I don't think you can argue that one way of living is better than another without hard evidence to support it. I can seen that monogamy doesn't suit lots of people but it's also possible that polyamory wouldn't either.....until we've tried it for 5000 years we won't know.  | |||
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"Society and religion indoctrinate us to believe that having poligamous sex is wrong. This is standard practice when social control mechanisms seek to generate compliance with its aims by restricting its followers' natural urges. Consider why Christians have Lent, Muslims Ramadan, Hindus do not eat cows etc etc. Consequently when programmed by this indoctrination the "cheated" on party is bound to feel upset. The mode of upset is usually "loss of trust" as it would be if a Muslim ate "unlawfully" during Ramadan. If however there was no expectation of sexual fidelity there would be no upset and no loss of trust. What the man in the video is proposing is that humans are psychologically and physiologically developed to have sex with multiple partners and that modern society (the last 5,000 years of our 200,000 year existence) has tried to promote unnatural monagamy. He correctly concludes, in my opinion, that huge damage is done to our species by the imposition of this unnatural paradigm which, for the most part of our existence, has been polyamourous. Is there any proof that humans have for the most part of our existence been polyamorous? Is there any data on the possible damage that might be done if monogamy wasn't insisted upon and if so is it greater or lesser than the perceived huge damage that it's caused?" Obviously there are no records of our pre-history as sexual beings but if Natural Selection is to be believed we are designed to enjoy multiple sex. Our nearest relatives, the chimpanzees and bonobos, both are polyamourous so it is not an unreasonable proposition. The damage to our society is self evident. How many good working relationships break up because the unnatural requirement for monagamy has been breached? | |||
"Society and religion indoctrinate us to believe that having poligamous sex is wrong. This is standard practice when social control mechanisms seek to generate compliance with its aims by restricting its followers' natural urges. Consider why Christians have Lent, Muslims Ramadan, Hindus do not eat cows etc etc. Consequently when programmed by this indoctrination the "cheated" on party is bound to feel upset. The mode of upset is usually "loss of trust" as it would be if a Muslim ate "unlawfully" during Ramadan. If however there was no expectation of sexual fidelity there would be no upset and no loss of trust. What the man in the video is proposing is that humans are psychologically and physiologically developed to have sex with multiple partners and that modern society (the last 5,000 years of our 200,000 year existence) has tried to promote unnatural monagamy. He correctly concludes, in my opinion, that huge damage is done to our species by the imposition of this unnatural paradigm which, for the most part of our existence, has been polyamourous. Is there any proof that humans have for the most part of our existence been polyamorous? Is there any data on the possible damage that might be done if monogamy wasn't insisted upon and if so is it greater or lesser than the perceived huge damage that it's caused? If we're going down this route, would roads have been invented if we had remained polyamorous? What about the industrial revolution? Written communication? Would anyone have cared? Would we have had so many wars? It's impossible to know what life would have been like, so we just have to decide what the best route to take our lives now would be I don't think you can argue that one way of living is better than another without hard evidence to support it. I can seen that monogamy doesn't suit lots of people but it's also possible that polyamory wouldn't either.....until we've tried it for 5000 years we won't know. "I look forward to the next 5000 years if it becomes part of a religion, the religion should be called fukit and have a vibrator as God | |||
" I look forward to the next 5000 years if it becomes part of a religion, the religion should be called fukit and have a vibrator as God"I love the band Hozier, im sure at least one of them is a swinger with lyrics like "my church offers no absolution, tells me worship in the bedroom" and "i fall in love just a little old little bit every day with someone new"  | |||
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"Monogamy is what I grew up with, but in realising there's another way, I wonder which of my family members would be happier with someone else. One of my family members has bucked the trend of our families by getting a divorce, and is not shunned, so I think people are more understanding than we give them credit for. I was in Moscow once a while back, and met a guy who was pretty much signing his divorce papers because he'd struck up a relationship with another woman, and that's fine, it confused me at the time, and it wasn't the first time he had done it apparently, but I wasn't familiar with it, so I was confused. On the point of jealousy, I've been there also, and I don't ever want to revisit that place. Another part of my reasoning behind joining the swinging community. Where better to learn to let go of such things than with a group of people who "share" their partners regularly? But ...... swingers don't share their partners. They allow them to have sex with others without recrimination ..... they don't allow emotions. Swinging is the sharing of sex. It's not generally polyamorous. Once you've finished fucking you all go your own way. " | |||
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"I found this video recently too. She is a great speaker and writer on love marriage and relationships. https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved?language=en" If you've not watched many ted talks you might like some of these? A couple explain why people cheat and they all make similar points to your video and elaborate on them. I like Brene Browns talks personally. http://www.ted.com/playlists/202/talks_that_just_might_save_you | |||
