FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > disrespectful or me being over sensitive

disrespectful or me being over sensitive

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I am actually starting to wonder if I am cut out for this lifestyle. As I am finding some womens behaviour questionable.

Recently we went to a club and after Mr told me about a lady that had asked him to go to a room.. Now fair enough I thought she had thought he was a single.. but no, apparently she had spent time with us in the hottub and knew we were together..

We hadn't played separate.. or anything like that... And I am a bit annoyed as this isn't the first time this has happened.. and I find anyone asking ONE half to play by themselves in any situation without even asking the other really disrespectful.

Now Mr Did swerve it and refuse... but for me the fact is why if she knew we were a couple would she approach him while I was in the toilet and ask him to take her to a private room...

If I am being over sensitive I actually think that I will stick to private meets where we have both talked to all parties etc..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

It is disrespectful in my opinion and if it upsets you or makes you feel uncomfortable that isn't you being oversensitive, your feelings are valid.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" It is disrespectful in my opinion and if it upsets you or makes you feel uncomfortable that isn't you being oversensitive, your feelings are valid.

Agree.

Seems rude of her to ask behind your back OP, but I wouldn't let it get you down. There are many different kinds of people. If Mr just says 'no thanks' there's no harm done and you can still enjoy your night.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

If she had thought he was a single guy... Id have been flattered... and to be honest if she had then asked me if I minded.. then id have said I would rather watch.. (suggested a couples room where I could watch from outside etc) but I would have been more than happy.. as to be honest I like watching like that.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Good for him, no your not being over sensitive.

If people cant respect that a " couple" means just that, and somewhere is a female half or male half and doing things on the sly..is taking the piss.

Her

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ouple1973Couple over a year ago

clowne

Totally disrespectful in our opinion

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *jandjbCouple over a year ago

Nr Manchester

Not sure why anyone should make assumptions in that situation but since a number of couples do split up to play perhaps it isn't rude - whereas it would be rude in the vanilla world. So; people can ask, people can refuse, no harm done! What would be rude IMHO would be if the person didn't take no for an answer.

Him

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I wouldn't worry about it !

Alot of cpl's do play that way and to be fair she was only asking .

The reason i dont play with cpl's its a minefield

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *anky_PankyWoman over a year ago

Filthy Fuckeryville

Thats happened to me too and after he told me I actually had a pop at the woman in question and she denied it! Silly woman.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ngel delight 69Woman over a year ago

Torquay

Totally bad behavior of this woman. And how lucky that you have a trusting man.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

If a couple play separate.. I would still expect to "ask" or speak to the other half... Never take the word.

But in this case she has waited till I have gone to the bathroom to ask... ANd had apparently been both in the hottub with us and at the bar with us.. ( sorry I was busy playing with Mr )

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ouple1973Couple over a year ago

clowne

[Removed by poster at 05/04/15 23:53:39]

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ouple1973Couple over a year ago

clowne

"If a couple play separate.. I would still expect to "ask" or speak to the other half... Never take the word.

But in this case she has waited till I have gone to the bathroom to ask... ANd had apparently been both in the hottub with us and at the bar with us.. ( sorry I was busy playing with Mr )"
agree it's called having morals

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

There are bad apples in both female and males, you just found a female variety. Don't let it get to you, just hold you head up high that your bloke was honest about it.

Mrs Tats

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If a couple play separate.. I would still expect to "ask" or speak to the other half... Never take the word.

But in this case she has waited till I have gone to the bathroom to ask... ANd had apparently been both in the hottub with us and at the bar with us.. ( sorry I was busy playing with Mr )"

You didnt notice her maybe she didnt notice you.

Or maybe she thought you were bith singles?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"If a couple play separate.. I would still expect to "ask" or speak to the other half... Never take the word.

But in this case she has waited till I have gone to the bathroom to ask... ANd had apparently been both in the hottub with us and at the bar with us.. ( sorry I was busy playing with Mr )

You didnt notice her maybe she didnt notice you.

Or maybe she thought you were bith singles?

She apparently knew that we were there as a couple. I didn't notice her as I was busy with Mr and talking to couples together about our swinging escapades.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How easy is it for someone to approach a couple and say do you play separate or is one of you interested? I don't know how I would approach this. Would I be expected to have sex with them both,seeing as a lot of couples have a bi woman. I wouldn't like to talk to a couple and say can I just have your man please. How do people usually go about this as I've seen people write on here you go as a couple you play as a couple.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"How easy is it for someone to approach a couple and say do you play separate or is one of you interested? I don't know how I would approach this. Would I be expected to have sex with them both,seeing as a lot of couples have a bi woman. I wouldn't like to talk to a couple and say can I just have your man please. How do people usually go about this as I've seen people write on here you go as a couple you play as a couple. "
Usually the female half can tell if the male half is just wanted..like us that is fine ..but if the male half has not mentioned he is part of a couple, and she tries it on, i would not blame her but him, and the same for a female not mentioning she has a partner.

Any couple depending on what they want would allow you to be with their man, i know i would

Her

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 06/04/15 00:36:20]

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

That has made me think actually.. Perhaps women find it a bit scary to approach a couple and think that asking the guy... but I am guessing that I am not alone in feeling its underhand.

I don't think as a couple in a club situation I would feel offended if we were asked if we just played together ...

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Lol you say you wouldn't talk to a couple and say can I just have your man.... Yet it seems your in the minority as we have had it quite a few times where women have said exactly that... although not to me.. To him.. Had they said it to me I may have felt considerably different.

I guess its a difficult one but I don't think asking one half of a couple behind the others back is the way to go...

I dont think the OP meant it that way..for instance we dont do anything alone..but if a woman just wanted Gimp with my consent that is fine..i would want to be there, and he would want me there..but finding that is difficult..it is just our thing.

Her

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *SweetVioletxWoman over a year ago

Liverpool

Personally I think you ate being oversensitive and over thinking the situation.

I understand feeling a bit miffed at the time but as a couple you both know where you stand and he declined. All done and dusted.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ndyhoMan over a year ago

leeds

Yes total deviants swingers shouid respect you love. I always respect swingers or anyones wishes. X

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *LCCCouple over a year ago

Cambridge

Sorry I am going to have disagree with the OP on this one. In dom/sub relationships you would approach the dom and ask permission to play with the sub, but in regular swinging, you generally approach the person you would like to play with.

For example if someone asked me if it was OK to play with my wife, I would tell them time ask her because it is her decision. If she chooses to play, she has that freedom. Now I accept not everyone plays that way and it reads as though the OP only plays as a couple and that's fine. But I don't think that asking a reasonable question should be seen as rude, because they are asking for permission / information about how you play. In this instance your husband explained that you guys don't play that way and it sounds as though the woman accepted the answer and moved on. I don't think that anyone did anything wrong in that situation.

It Would be wrong however to not ask for consent and play with your husband without asking him. I think many people have seen touching before asking in clubs with is in my mind a big no no.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"That has made me think actually.. Perhaps women find it a bit scary to approach a couple and think that asking the guy... but I am guessing that I am not alone in feeling its underhand.

I don't think as a couple in a club situation I would feel offended if we were asked if we just played together ... "

I've never been to a club,I just wondered how people went about asking for what they wanted. I would want to have a little chat with people beforehand,both if it's a couple and find out what they do and don't do. I would never wait for a man to be alone and then ask. As if he would ditch his wife for a fuck anyway! Do men do the same with women in couples?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ranny-CrumpetWoman over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

I think you are maybe a little over sensitive.

If you and your partner have agreed a no sloping off policy there is nothing to worry about.

She asked in a swingers club not at the altar.

As long as she accepted no I don't see the problem.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ndyhoMan over a year ago

leeds

I used to swing as a couple but going alone now but I have heard of swjngers falling in love with swingers partners. Golden rule of swinging ye cant allow yourself to fall in love with some other swingers partner.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *LCCCouple over a year ago

Cambridge

"I used to swing as a couple but going alone now but I have heard of swjngers falling in love with swingers partners. Golden rule of swinging ye cant allow yourself to fall in love with some other swingers partner. "

Who said anything about anyone falling in love???

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Sorry I am going to have disagree with the OP on this one. In dom/sub relationships you would approach the dom and ask permission to play with the sub, but in regular swinging, you generally approach the person you would like to play with.

It Would be wrong however to not ask for consent and play with your husband without asking him. I think many people have seen touching before asking in clubs with is in my mind a big no no. "

I am looking for a wide variety of outlook as to be honest since playing as a couple I have a few things that I think mean I am not suited to do this lifestyle anymore.. and that is why I am asking... as Ive played as a couple for 2-3 years... and spent years on as a single lady.

.. for the record Mr doesn't think she did anything wrong in asking him. ( but obviously for me its a hugely disrespectful thing... )but did refuse her

If she had asked him while we were together.. That wouldn't have been an issue.. but for me its the underhandness of waiting till He was alone.

I don't think others need to ask permission but you should maybe ask both of them if they only play together.. rather than wait till one is by themselves to ask would you like to come into a room with them.

Bare in mind had he gone off with her I wouldn't have known where he was... as I had only gone to the toilet.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If a woman attempts to try it on with your man she fancies him simple.

Anything behind the back trying to lure him away is a no no.

I have had a few males try and get me away from Gimp and have told him straight.

It is never about the trying it on..the pulling away is a different matter.

Her

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *not69Man over a year ago

Lancashire

"If she had thought he was a single guy... Id have been flattered... and to be honest if she had then asked me if I minded.. then id have said I would rather watch.. (suggested a couples room where I could watch from outside etc) but I would have been more than happy.. as to be honest I like watching like that.

no your not too sensitive at all. if I was in a club with a lady and it was obvious we are together and someone sneakily asks her to go to a private room on her own then I'd be annoyed too. It is disrespectful.

they should have asked you if you minded.

not only that, it would have meant leaving you on your own in a club that you might not be familiar with and not know anyone else there

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ndyhoMan over a year ago

leeds

It was a couple we met she fell for other guy lol. Anyways happy easter to ye all.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"If a woman attempts to try it on with your man she fancies him simple.

Anything behind the back trying to lure him away is a no no.

I have had a few males try and get me away from Gimp and have told him straight.

It is never about the trying it on..the pulling away is a different matter.

Her"

I have had guys try it too but I tell them straight and then block or ignore if at a club. it is the on the quiet bit rather than asking as I like other women finding my man sexy and enjoying his touch...

In fact as I said on another thread recently... its probably my biggest turn on after playing together..

I guess for me it feels like they feel they can "tempt" him away..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *hortieWoman over a year ago

Northampton

I think you have got a little too worked up over it.

(JMO) - Tho I have not been in a club, therefore not in the situation of 'that woman', what she asked is possibly the way I would have asked. (unless us 3 had all been all been chatting, things went swimmingly and I asked if we fancied a 3some).. I might not be sure if you were a couple, playmates, or just friends.

So I would ask the guy (who I was interested in having fun with), I might even ask if you had gone to the bar/toilet/shagging someone else or whatever, so he knew I would be interested, and he could say yes, maybe or fuck off (depending on his situation).... if he said maybe, then would leave him alone to discuss it with you when you returned.

There are too many couple variables in clubs, and if you would like to play, if you don't ask, you don't get.

She asked, he said no, you are wound up about the brazen hussy asking a simple question.

Least she didn't write her number down and slide it in his thong with a lascivious wink and said 'call me one day when she ain't around'.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If a woman attempts to try it on with your man she fancies him simple.

Anything behind the back trying to lure him away is a no no.

I have had a few males try and get me away from Gimp and have told him straight.

It is never about the trying it on..the pulling away is a different matter.

Her

In fact as I said on another thread recently... its probably my biggest turn on after playing together..

I guess for me it feels like they feel they can "tempt" him away..

"
Yes enjoy him being attractive to other woman, enjoy the lot..yes they can tempt him away..if he has respect for you he wont leave..but he told you..if in doubt of any secrets then no more couple..but i have to point out he did tell you.

Her

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I think you have got a little too worked up over it.

There are too many couple variables in clubs, and if you would like to play, if you don't ask, you don't get.

She asked, he said no, you are wound up about the brazen hussy asking a simple question.

Least she didn't write her number down and slide it in his thong with a lascivious wink and said 'call me one day when she ain't around'.

I think to be fair it is more then fact that I got told after ....

NOt that I approach guys ( that's a whole other issue) but if I was going to approach a guy in a club I would ask if he was there alone.. If not , I would wait and speak to them both.

In this case it is the fact she quite obviously waited till I wasn't there.. rather than asking on any of the other occasions..

And I guess I am over sensitive about it... and to be honest as its happened a few times now I am not wanting to leave his side at clubs which isn't very sexy x

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"There are bad apples in both female and males, you just found a female variety. Don't let it get to you, just hold you head up high that your bloke was honest about it.

Mrs Tats "

Agree with this. Unfortunately sometimes single women and couples can be as guilty of the disrespectful behaviour that people seem to naively think is just displayed by single men. Don't let it put you off clubs, people like her are a very small minority, just move on & be proud your husband is an honest man

Juicy x

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

the polite way would be to chat to you both and ask if you played alone - maybe she felt awkward doing this or maybe she thought she would have more chance asking him by himself - but yes i think a bit rude if you had been obviously together throughout the night - dont let it spoil your fun you fella said no and told you about it

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think she was disrespectful towards you and your relationship, but actually don't think it matters how she behaved, but more how your partner behaved. He clearly respected you, your relationship and the boundaries you have both set. You'll probably never see her again and in my experience, the majority of people don't behave that way. Forget her, she's not worth one second of your thought or attention...

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"....

Bare in mind had he gone off with her I wouldn't have known where he was... as I had only gone to the toilet.

No need to answer here, but ask yourself- do you trust him? Is the issue really that you're worried he may go off with someone else? Even if he did go with her, it would be totally wrong (in my eyes) for him to go off and disappear without telling you. You won't be able to relax when you go out in case he goes off without you. x

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It Would be wrong however to not ask for consent and play with your husband without asking him. I think many people have seen touching before asking in clubs with is in my mind a big no no. "

I'm no expert having not been to a club and only recently found myself a regular playmate, not a couple just yet either but they don't appear to be in a dom/sub relationship and imho. I think in any situation that another female trying to get the male to play either behind her back or in front of her is wrong. He was honest with her and her reaction is normal

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I think you have got a little too worked up over it.

There are too many couple variables in clubs, and if you would like to play, if you don't ask, you don't get.

She asked, he said no, you are wound up about the brazen hussy asking a simple question.

Least she didn't write her number down and slide it in his thong with a lascivious wink and said 'call me one day when she ain't around'.

I think to be fair it is more then fact that I got told after ....

NOt that I approach guys ( that's a whole other issue) but if I was going to approach a guy in a club I would ask if he was there alone.. If not , I would wait and speak to them both.

In this case it is the fact she quite obviously waited till I wasn't there.. rather than asking on any of the other occasions..

And I guess I am over sensitive about it... and to be honest as its happened a few times now I am not wanting to leave his side at clubs which isn't very sexy x"

I'm not in your type of relationship but I do have a male fb now and this would get the sane reaction from me. It's disrespectful on her part.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *iss_tressWoman over a year ago

London

"I am actually starting to wonder if I am cut out for this lifestyle. As I am finding some womens behaviour questionable.

Now Mr Did swerve it and refuse... but for me the fact is why if she knew we were a couple would she approach him while I was in the toilet and ask him to take her to a private room...

If I am being over sensitive I actually think that I will stick to private meets where we have both talked to all parties etc..

The first time I went to a club a man, standing beside Ben and I, with his partner there whispered to me to meet him alone.

I said no and ignored him.

It didn't spoil our evening.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *arry247Couple over a year ago

Wakefield

We feel you are being oversensitive, after all you do not own your partner.

Imagine what the responses would have been if it was a man claiming what is tantamount to his wife asking his permission first.

Surely he or she (as the case may be) has a tongue in their head and knows the way the two of you play at clubs.

If you have agreed that separate play is fine then he/she could just accept and get on with it.

If know prior agreement is made then it is simple for them to say let's wait for my partner to get back first so that we can run it past him/her.

We are all supposed to be adults here with mature attitudes let's not spoil it with petty jealousies.

However others will think differently

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Absolutely disrespectful!! In fact totally discusting. I play with couples. I like to have a chat and see the dynamics of their relationship play out in front of me first. Then I'd decide if play was an option, make some excuse so they can discuss in private their thoughts, come back and broach the issue with both of them. Of course they may say no but at least it is a decision that they have both made. Even after agreeing to play I would leave them alone again for a final 'you sure convo'

She was just a bitch hun!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

When I read your post I, like you, thought she was being a little sly. Then I put myself in the situation and wondered how I would ask without offending the other half of the couple? Unless it cropped up in the conversation that you only play as a couple, then how was she to know?

If this has happened a couple of times, I can only assume you have one hot man! Lucky you!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *alandNitaCouple over a year ago

Scunthorpe

Personally, I think that you can allow yourself to be a bit les sensitive about these things and bask in the trust and respect that you and your guy obviously have for each other....

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

We were discussing stuff last night because we sometimes feel we react or feel differently to things in the swinging world than a lot of people. We decided that is just the way we are and that's the end of it.

This isn't about fitting in, it's about enjoying yourself and if something makes you feel bad it's easy to not do it again

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"We were discussing stuff last night because we sometimes feel we react or feel differently to things in the swinging world than a lot of people. We decided that is just the way we are and that's the end of it.

This isn't about fitting in, it's about enjoying yourself and if something makes you feel bad it's easy to not do it again

He lets you talk?

The Mans a Masochist

Gimp

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *LCCCouple over a year ago

Cambridge

"Absolutely disrespectful!! In fact totally discusting. I play with couples. I like to have a chat and see the dynamics of their relationship play out in front of me first. Then I'd decide if play was an option, make some excuse so they can discuss in private their thoughts, come back and broach the issue with both of them. Of course they may say no but at least it is a decision that they have both made. Even after agreeing to play I would leave them alone again for a final 'you sure convo'

She was just a bitch hun! "

I am really surprised by some of the comments on here, especially from the single ladies. To me it sounds a lot like Slut Shaming

I have only gone to clubs as a couple, but if I was there alone I would be nervous and fearful of rejection if approaching a couple. I might try approaching one half of the couple when they are alone. That way you only get rejected by one person instead of 2 and 1on1 is less intimidating than 2on1.

I don't know what was said as I wasn't there, but just because you weren't there when she spoke to your husband, doesn't mean that she wanted to sneak off and play before you got back. She might have been happy to chat to both of you, get your permission when you got back etc. after finding out if Mr was interested or not. It would be quite embarrassing I imagine to speak to Mrs, get her permission, only to speak to Mr and he says No

I would like to see more support for female sexual empowerment on this site. What this woman did is nothing different to what hundreds of guys did in clubs up and down the country this weekend, we get no threads about their behavior, but when a woman does it, she is publicly shamed.

More sexually empowered women in the lifestyle is a benefit to the whole community, and they should be encouraged and supported. They shouldn't be held to a higher standard then men, or face being ridiculed on forums and called a "bitch" for trying to Swing in a swingers club.

From my understanding this woman went to a club alone, saw a sexy man she liked, approached him and asked him to play, he said No, and she walked off to find someone else to play with. To me she sounds exactly like the kind of sexually empowered women we need more of.

Mr CLCC

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

This isn't about fitting in, it's about enjoying yourself and if something makes you feel bad it's easy to not do it again

He lets you talk?

The Mans a Masochist

Gimp"

It was my day for having the gag out for an hour.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *D40Couple over a year ago

Wolverhampton

When me and my partner go to a club there has only been one occasion when one of us was asked if someone could play with us & it was a man asking Mr if he could play with me.....

I would never expect someone to ask me (unless it was my best mate who we club with) if they could play with my man or vice versa. I would however expect to be told if he was going off with someone & vice versa as there's nothing worse than sitting by yourself wondering where they are & if you don't know many people there feeling like Billy no mates....

Good on your man for sticking with your rules x

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

This isn't about fitting in, it's about enjoying yourself and if something makes you feel bad it's easy to not do it again

He lets you talk?

The Mans a Masochist

Gimp

It was my day for having the gag out for an hour. "

I will be having Words, Nette will be getting Ideas

Gimp

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

She was just a bitch hun!

I am really surprised by some of the comments on here, especially from the single ladies. To me it sounds a lot like Slut Shaming

Mr CLCC"

With sexual empowerment comes respect I wouldn't expect a man to ask A's permission for us to play together but I would expect him to ask me if I played alone if he had seen A and I together.

It must be really difficult for single people though I can understand that.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ranny-CrumpetWoman over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

I'm becoming more firm in my thinking that this woman did nothing wrong.

She asked.

The problem is arising purely from the feelings of another party.

I'd feel far sexier getting a man to come and have sex than asking his partners permission.

Scuse me miss can Billy play out ? What's sexy about that ?

Don't confuse what i'm saying for anything other than what's written above.

He said NO. End of.

There's an insecurity/lack of trust/confidence issue somewhere and it's not with the woman who asked.

I'm interested in the responses of people who say ........ Oh that's so disrespectful ... Cos I can't see it.

Can one of those who say it is EXPLAIN why it is ?

Don't just go .... Oh it's so disrespectful.....

I can't get my head around how 'open minded and trusting' people FLIP if someone makes a sexual come on.

Mummmyyyyyyyy it's going all Vanillaaaaaaaa.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I dont know what the big deal is, she asked, he said no, end of issue surely

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *bsinthe_boyMan over a year ago

Luton

Some couples do play separate (my wife and I certainly do) but without knowing this it is only polite to ask.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ranny-CrumpetWoman over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

P.S.

To Mr. CLCC

Spot on.

Too long to quote tho. Should have read it first before I responded.

The responses shocked me too but I didn't have the phrase Slut Shaming in my vocab until right now.

Women against Women for NO reason. It's ugly.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *uckandbunnyCouple over a year ago

In your bed

I'm torn on this one. Everyone is different. What we don't know is what would have happened if hubby said he was interested in her.

She may have said great. Lets go ask your wife too.

She may not be an exhibitionist so maybe uncomfortable with the wife watching. Maybe shy and uncomfortable coming onto a guy in front of his wife.

She may have played with don't ask don't tell cpls before. Some couples enjoy not knowing till after.

Yes she could have asked in the hot rub. But in reality your trust is in hubby. Not others. If it happened to us then I imagine we'd just say that we prefer same room fun but let's go chat about it.

Hard to be hrash on her without knowing why. Easier to get a knock back 1 on 1 without an audience. She may not have been certain she was his type. Not all women assume they will get ayes every time.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm becoming more firm in my thinking that this woman did nothing wrong.

She asked.

The problem is arising purely from the feelings of another party.

I'd feel far sexier getting a man to come and have sex than asking his partners permission.

Scuse me miss can Billy play out ? What's sexy about that ?

Don't confuse what i'm saying for anything other than what's written above.

He said NO. End of.

There's an insecurity/lack of trust/confidence issue somewhere and it's not with the woman who asked.

I'm interested in the responses of people who say ........ Oh that's so disrespectful ... Cos I can't see it.

Can one of those who say it is EXPLAIN why it is ?

Don't just go .... Oh it's so disrespectful.....

I can't get my head around how 'open minded and trusting' people FLIP if someone makes a sexual come on.

Mummmyyyyyyyy it's going all Vanillaaaaaaaa. "

I find it disrespectful because she knew they are a couple yet she waited to ask the guy on his own. She should have spoken to them both at the same time. She could still have asked him to play alone, but asking when his female partner had left was not behaving in an adult way.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If I went to a club or party alone. Which I have done in the past. I don't approach couples or the men from couples to play. I prefer to play with men who attend alone. I can not offend any other person that way. If I get chatting to couples I explain I only play with men.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ranny-CrumpetWoman over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

P.S. Respect to the O.P. for having the guts to explain how she feels and to want others opinions.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ezebelWoman over a year ago

North of The Wall - youll need your vest

One of the reasons that I steer clear of couples these days - I cant be doing with all the angst it causes

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ilacWoman over a year ago

Cheshire

If I was in a club, I'd prefer approaching one of the couple rather than both. Both would be a bit intimidating. Would rather speak to one and let them go off and discuss together. I wouldn't approach them both, ask and stand there awaiting an answer.

I think you're overthinking it. She asked. He answered. You don't know until you ask. She didn't pounce.

Every swinging dynamic is different and as someone said above, it's a total minefield. All you can do is communicate. She did. With the one of the two she felt comfortable with or wanted to play with.

As long as you two have your boundaries set out and stick to them, which you sound like you have, then no hurt or confusion can come of it.

Hope your next venture to a club is more positive for you.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"I'm becoming more firm in my thinking that this woman did nothing wrong.

She asked.

The problem is arising purely from the feelings of another party.

I'd feel far sexier getting a man to come and have sex than asking his partners permission.

Scuse me miss can Billy play out ? What's sexy about that ?

Don't confuse what i'm saying for anything other than what's written above.

He said NO. End of.

There's an insecurity/lack of trust/confidence issue somewhere and it's not with the woman who asked.

I'm interested in the responses of people who say ........ Oh that's so disrespectful ... Cos I can't see it.

Can one of those who say it is EXPLAIN why it is ?

Don't just go .... Oh it's so disrespectful.....

I can't get my head around how 'open minded and trusting' people FLIP if someone makes a sexual come on.

Mummmyyyyyyyy it's going all Vanillaaaaaaaa. "

I felt it was disrespectful because if the boot was on the other foot and it was me making the approach I would have asked either the man or the couple if they played separately first. I wouldn't ask a third party for permission and certainly wouldn't expect someone to ask A if they could play with me.

It's a minefield though.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *uckandbunnyCouple over a year ago

In your bed

"If I was in a club, I'd prefer approaching one of the couple rather than both. Both would be a bit intimidating. Would rather speak to one and let them go off and discuss together. I wouldn't approach them both, ask and stand there awaiting an answer.

I think you're overthinking it. She asked. He answered. You don't know until you ask. She didn't pounce.

As long as you two have your boundaries set out and stick to them, which you sound like you have, then no hurt or confusion can come of it.

Hope your next venture to a club is more positive for you. "

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"One of the reasons that I steer clear of couples these days - I cant be doing with all the angst it causes

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *uckandbunnyCouple over a year ago

In your bed

To put the boot on the other foot. We have been out in the past and said if it feels right then go for it.

So if she was chatting to a couple at the bar and they wanted her. Then just go have fun.

We don't normally but it was a kinky fantasy. Wedding rings off and playing the bad wife. It did not occur. But if it had they would have had no idea she was married.

There are so many preferences, scenarios, kinks and games people play. In the end it's up to you guys to trust each other. It's not like we all walk around with signs on our heads in clubs stating our preferences.ie bi play together no Asians etc. Would take the spark away if we did and some preferences would cause arguments.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"....

Bare in mind had he gone off with her I wouldn't have known where he was... as I had only gone to the toilet.

I trust him...

Thanks to all the others. I don't see how it can be jealous though.. when had she asked us together then I'd not have had an issue with asking although it would have been made clear I prefer to watch be it in a private room or public..

I do also get about approaching a couple but surely you can talk to people and gauge a response .. maybe just ask if you only play together x

Lots to think about from this.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A lot is speculated about this single female's motives.. Only two people can really have an idea of what those are, and they are the two involved in that conversation. And as the male decided she did nothing wrong or underhand I would suggest this is an overreaction on the OPs part.

Couples have to realise these days that the 'swinging scene' is becoming more accessible to singles. Some of which (like me) have never been involved with a partner and perhaps are just trying to find their way.

There are all sorts of dynamics that couples can have in their relationships and how is an outsider supposed to know without asking? Who said she waited specifically for you to leave? Who's to know if the conversation naturally flowed that way in your absence or not?

If this upsets you enough to think it's disrespectful and effects your mood I'd recommend you stick to couples events in future. (Not that I think this wouldn't occur again surrounded by couples - because people are people).

If someone takes offence at being approached or having a partner being approached in a club you really do have to question if this lifestyle is for you. If you can't politely say no and maybe give your reasons why then how will people know and learn?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

She waited till I was out the way and asked him did he want to get a room. No... Shall we ask your partner ..

Yes I'm annoyed about it... I said to Mr that maybe she hadn't realised we were together but he says no she knew.

I am.happy that most people think it was bad behaviour. Not the her asking,just the sly way of doing so.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I just naturally assume that couples play apart. Amongst my friends it's normal for couples to play on their own.

Perhaps you are a little sensitive. I have no problems in asking one half of a couple if they fancy playing alone.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *urvymamaWoman over a year ago

Doncaster

I find it is disrespectful but shes probably done it as shes gotten away with it in the past. Wouldnt surprise me anyway

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

He should have treated her like she was non existent... That means walking past her like she wasnt there... I'd say that would boost her ego for the night..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"She waited till I was out the way and asked him did he want to get a room. No... Shall we ask your partner ..

Yes I'm annoyed about it... I said to Mr that maybe she hadn't realised we were together but he says no she knew.

I am.happy that most people think it was bad behaviour. Not the her asking,just the sly way of doing so.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

We can't possibly know, can we? The single lady could be either 1) too scared to ask two people if she could play with the male on his own, or 2) a disrespectful hussy. We don't know, we can't judge. The only person who knows is the lady herself.

OP, I'm glad to hear that your other half respected your joint boundaries, and I hope that your future club visits are more enjoyable.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *lik and PaulCouple over a year ago

cahoots

" It is disrespectful in my opinion and if it upsets you or makes you feel uncomfortable that isn't you being oversensitive, your feelings are valid.

Totally agree...different situation but we often get messages on here from guys who want to meet Flik alone...interesting when I am picking up the messages. Paul

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *ueenandworkerbeeCouple over a year ago

Manchester

Very disrespectful. We were both at a club this weekend in a big orgy of couples and we were full swapping and whenever we'd start with a new person we'd check wth each other and check wth that person's partner. Not in a possessive way but just a 'will I hurt your feelings if I play wth your partner?'.

You're not being over sensitive at all. She was just extremely rude and trying to play out some horrible cheating wife fantasy without everyone's consent. Not right.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"She was just extremely rude and trying to play out some horrible cheating wife fantasy without everyone's consent. Not right."

Woah, woah!

When I approach someone at a club I assume that they are sexually liberated adults who can say yes or no for themselves. I'm not playing out a 'cheating wife fantasy' I'm treating people as if they can think for themselves. If they know their partner wouldn't be happy then they can say no for themselves.

I wouldn't expect anyone to go and track down my partners (if they were with me) at a club to check it's ok to play with me. I expect people to treat me as a person who can make my own decisions.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"She was just extremely rude and trying to play out some horrible cheating wife fantasy without everyone's consent. Not right.

Woah, woah!

I wouldn't expect anyone to go and track down my partners (if they were with me) at a club to check it's ok to play with me. I expect people to treat me as a person who can make my own decisions."

So you wouldn't expect a guy to go and speak to his partner before playing then?

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

So you wouldn't expect a guy to go and speak to his partner before playing then?

He can if he wants, if that's their arrangement. I don't personally check with any of my partners before playing with someone else.

I wouldn't seek someone's partner out to ask permission to play with their partner personally. Because I trust people to play within the boundaries of their other commitments..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *LCCCouple over a year ago

Cambridge

"We can't possibly know, can we? The single lady could be either 1) too scared to ask two people if she could play with the male on his own, or 2) a disrespectful hussy. We don't know, we can't judge. The only person who knows is the lady herself.

OP, I'm glad to hear that your other half respected your joint boundaries, and I hope that your future club visits are more enjoyable."

Again more Slut Shaming for a woman asking a man for sex in a swingers club!!!!!!! It's not like she asked him at the school gate, or in Tesco or something! It's a swingers club, people go there to, you know, erm, Swing!

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

We tend to go to clubs on couples nights and haven't really come across this but we have experienced this on mixed nights both ways our rule for us is anyone who approaches us as indivuals its an automatic no

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

OP, I'm glad to hear that your other half respected your joint boundaries, and I hope that your future club visits are more enjoyable.

Yes but that's like saying touching without asking is okay as its a swingers club. Just because its a swingers club doesn't mean you don't respect others. She didn't ask do you play alone, she didn't " do you two want to play." She waited till I was not there to invite one half of a couple to a private room alone.

Yes okay Mr said no because he knows how I feel about women disrespecting me.. But we were obviously there together and if he had gone off with her for an hour or so what was I meant to do... I do this as I enjoy it together. I'd never ask someone else's partner to go off in a private room. Nor would I take a guy to one.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *oobsandballsMan over a year ago

st andrews

We were at a club on Saturday and at first played with another couple, then split up to go play elsewhere. That's the way we like it and we don't feel the need to check with each other.

However, if we didn't play that way, I might think that she didn't know if we played separately so was asking.

If she had already established this before asking him out of my presence, I'd be pretty mad.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *LCCCouple over a year ago

Cambridge

OP, I'm glad to hear that your other half respected your joint boundaries, and I hope that your future club visits are more enjoyable.

Did this woman say something along the lines of "quick let's run off before your wife gets back"?

Touching without asking is wrong, but this woman Did ask, so I don't get it.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Did this woman say something along the lines of "quick let's run off before your wife gets back"?

Touching without asking is wrong, but this woman Did ask, so I don't get it."

To be honest the fact she knew we were together and waited till I wasn't there to ask Mr to go to a room with her then and there.. pretty much yes she did ask him to play behind my back.

It was sneaky and snide and I am lucky that Mr knows I would have been extremely unhappy had he done so.

She only needed to ask if we played separate or speak to us together. Instead of thinking she could just help herself

Single men that ask just me via here or address just me Mr is quick to pull up about respecting us as a couple

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Maybe that was her kick, to have someones man, whilst they were there. ..

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Maybe that was her kick, to have someones man, whilst they were there. .."

A kick would be well deserved

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did this woman say something along the lines of "quick let's run off before your wife gets back"?

Touching without asking is wrong, but this woman Did ask, so I don't get it.

To be honest the fact she knew we were together and waited till I wasn't there to ask Mr to go to a room with her then and there.. pretty much yes she did ask him to play behind my back.

It was sneaky and snide and I am lucky that Mr knows I would have been extremely unhappy had he done so.

She only needed to ask if we played separate or speak to us together. Instead of thinking she could just help herself

Single men that ask just me via here or address just me Mr is quick to pull up about respecting us as a couple "

I agree only good manners to be up front with everyone concerned

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *LCCCouple over a year ago

Cambridge

Well i was not privy to the conversation, only 2 people were, and they both felt nothing was wrong.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *osieWoman over a year ago

Wembley

"I am actually starting to wonder if I am cut out for this lifestyle. As I am finding some womens behaviour questionable.

Now Mr Did swerve it and refuse... but for me the fact is why if she knew we were a couple would she approach him while I was in the toilet and ask him to take her to a private room...

If I am being over sensitive I actually think that I will stick to private meets where we have both talked to all parties etc..

I would never ask the male or female half of the couple separately to do anything or join me elsewhere unless both are present and in agreement. It might lead to friction and that just isn't worth it

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

I think if someone feels something someone else does is disrespectful then they are entitled to feel that. Whether disrespect was intended is another matter altogether and something only the person themselves can know for sure.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *phroditeWoman over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

I don't think, OP, that you are being oversensitive. I would not dream of approaching one part of a couple without at least "checking out" at some level that they are both ok with it.

That said I guess people have different ideas of what is right/ wrong for them and perhaps assume that other people sahre the same boundaries, especially when at a party or in a club. Not sure.

Tricky , this one.

I would not be overly happy if my OH were approached in a sneaky way by somebody who knew we were an item.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Thanks to all that have answered.. Both on here and in private.

I feel that my seething anger was perhaps a little OTT... but that I was right to feel a little annoyed... and lucky that Mr while he doesn't agree in principle with my views on this.. He respects them enough to refuse when this happens.

It has made me think though about how it must be.. When I was on as a single lady I never played with couples, so never had that.. and to be honest I don't do the approaching ( That's a whole other post)

I get that it must be a minefield for those wanting to approach couples, and maybe I shouldn't take it as a slur against me.. As I know he wouldn't just slope off without telling me

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *uckandbunnyCouple over a year ago

In your bed

"Thanks to all that have answered.. Both on here and in private.

I get that it must be a minefield for those wanting to approach couples, and maybe I shouldn't take it as a slur against me.. As I know he wouldn't just slope off without telling me "

I think the thing to always keep in mind is that the way you play is not the same as everyone else, couples or singles. Everyone plays differently and without walking around with a billboard around you stating your preferrences others will play as they want to play and that may not mean any disrespect. They are simply enjoying themselves in the way that best suits them.

Put it this way, if you went up to a vanilla couple and said do you fancy swinging with us, they too could find that highly disrespectful. Where as swingers would not bat an eyelid.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I just think that whatever the dynamic if you see two people together to assume they are together at the club at least.

If you cant respect other people, how can you expect others to respect you.. I would give that same respect to a couple at a club together whether they had just met to go in together or been married 30 years and everything in between.

Not wait for one or the other to be alone to ask them to play alone.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I just think that whatever the dynamic if you see two people together to assume they are together at the club at least.

...

Not wait for one or the other to be alone to ask them to play alone. "

But 'attending together' doesn't mean 'always plays together' or 'has to ask permission from the other'.

I personally prefer to ask someone to play one on one, because getting rejected by one person is ok, getting rejected with an audience is vaguely terrifying.

I also don't really like the notion that another person is in 'control' of their partner, so asking one on one gives me an opportunity to find out if that is the case because if they say 'let me check that's ok with my partner' then I'll probably change my mind ('let me tell them where I'm going' is different).

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I think if someone feels something someone else does is disrespectful then they are entitled to feel that. Whether disrespect was intended is another matter altogether and something only the person themselves can know for sure."

Although I don't fully understand it, the OP is perfectly entitled to feel as she feels, it's obviously something that is perceived as a slight within the confines of the way the couple choose to meet/play with others in clubs - which of course is different to the way others choose to play. It doesn't make you over sensitive.

What I don't think is ok on this thread is the comment and speculation and insult being thrown at the woman who made the approach. Slut shaming is mentioned further up and yes it does smack a bit of that.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *uckandbunnyCouple over a year ago

In your bed

"I just think that whatever the dynamic if you see two people together to assume they are together at the club at least.

...

Not wait for one or the other to be alone to ask them to play alone.

But 'attending together' doesn't mean 'always plays together' or 'has to ask permission from the other'.

I personally prefer to ask someone to play one on one, because getting rejected by one person is ok, getting rejected with an audience is vaguely terrifying.

It's not about control. It's about mutual consent. Hard to explain but whilst some couples work very individually. Others like being almost as one.

So if you asked me. I'd know that I could play with whomever. But I'd be asking if you would be ok with her watching or joining in.

Then depending on your response I'd. still want to check first. As she may not fancy being left on her own. Which in the end would be more influential to me than a chance meeting. If we have gone in with the intention to play as singles that is a different kettle of fish. Mostly we play together so will have planned to play together and an offer that changes that plan means keeping both parties happy.

In the end if you are happy for her to watch then it would be unlikely to be a no. Leaving her to go stag would depend

On her mood at the time as it would not have been a prearranged situation.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"What I don't think is ok on this thread is the comment and speculation and insult being thrown at the woman who made the approach. Slut shaming is mentioned further up and yes it does smack a bit of that. "

And couple privildge.

If you want to play with singles, it's disrespectful to them to expect them to always conform to your exact model of coupledom.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It's not about control. It's about mutual consent. Hard to explain but whilst some couples work very individually. Others like being almost as one."

Yes, for sure. I just have preferences not to play with the 'as one' type couples. So I set up various check points and signals to myself - one is having to ask for permission. It's a mood killer for me.

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I don't think, OP, that you are being oversensitive. I would not dream of approaching one part of a couple without at least "checking out" at some level that they are both ok with it.

That said I guess people have different ideas of what is right/ wrong for them and perhaps assume that other people sahre the same boundaries, especially when at a party or in a club. Not sure.

Tricky , this one.

I would not be overly happy if my OH were approached in a sneaky way by somebody who knew we were an item. "

Reply privately (closed, thread got too big)

By *osieWoman over a year ago

Wembley

"I just think that whatever the dynamic if you see two people together to assume they are together at the club at least.

...

Not wait for one or the other to be alone to ask them to play alone.

But 'attending together' doesn't mean 'always plays together' or 'has to ask permission from the other'.

I personally prefer to ask someone to play one on one, because getting rejected by one person is ok, getting rejected with an audience is vaguely terrifying.

It's not about control. It's about mutual consent. Hard to explain but whilst some couples work very individually. Others like being almost as one.

So if you asked me. I'd know that I could play with whomever. But I'd be asking if you would be ok with her watching or joining in.

In the end if you are happy for her to watch then it would be unlikely to be a no. Leaving her to go stag would depend

On her mood at the time as it would not have been a prearranged situation."

Exactly. Even FB expect a degree of 'togetherness' when attending a club together. Couples are more 'together' as they share the rest of their lives and activities together too

If I were part of a couple and a couple or single excluded me out of a decision or conversation, then I would have an expectation that my partner would set that right. It is not a question of control

my girlfriend and I attend clubs together. We are almost a 'couple' although many refuse to see us as one. It is infuriating that we arrive and leave together and yes, we play seperately but people feel it is alright to barge straight in and start a conversation with one or the other. Short of carrying a billboard around our necks we are uncertain what else we can do. Atleast with couples [male & female] the assumption that they are a couple is an easy one to make