FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > advice
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"IMHO, it will be one of those cruel to be kind situation. She probably already knows he plays away and is in denial. She may not thank you for pointing out the obvious that she is trying so far to ignore. Perhaps she has reasons to ignore his wandering lust, children, finacial situation, lacking in confidence to strike out on her own etc... Her other half would definitely not like you for doing it. I were in similar situation, I would probably unblock the gent in question, allow him to approach me, then let him know I am now a friend of his other half, and inform him of my intention to grass him, as she deserves better la di da. Difficult one! Good luck, whatever you decide to do! "funny enough I did just that, unblocked him to see if he does contact me. not sure if he realises that I am the same person as it was him that made the initial contact when they were on the site...we shall see. | |||
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"I had been chatting with a couple on another site and started talking on msn with the female half.It soon became clear that she was not interested in swing, was just doing it for her husband and she deleted their profile(which he put on without her consent)our situations in life are quite similar and we have sort of become friends.now when I first saw their profile pics the husband's pic kept niggling at me...like I had seen it before...I was about 90% sure that I had seen it before, had been contacted by him previously as a single male.I went through my deleted contacts on msn and sure enough there was his email address and it clicked that I had blocked him once it became clear to me that he was married and playing away... my question is..would you tell her?" I think it depends on exactly just how "good" friends you are. Example, if had proof my best friend was beign cheated on, I'd tell her. But if I had proof that a friend of my best friend was being cheated on, I wouldn't stick my nose it. | |||
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 would ask her if they had deleted both the profiles or just the couples one  | |||
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But yes, you are right, sometimes it is hard to tell how the post is intended .
Have you decide what you are going to do? | |||
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"I cannot believe what Wolf has just said here and totally disagree. Who gives anyone the right to play God over someone's relationship? I know this is probably stepping into a different topic but my word...get the msn mixed up? Delete if it gets out of hand? Give me a break! The OP has no clue about their relationship or why this man strays or why the woman stays with him. Nobody has the right to mix a marriage, especially when all you have to go on is a couple of msn chats. I have to agree with Jed, what goes on in swinging stays in swinging. " Playing God? Come on, this bloke is the one waving his cock about away from home, if you do things like that, you have to be man enough to live with the consequences. If you can't, honour your vows and put it away. Yummy Mummy doesn't have to "mix a marriage", or even to judge what's going on, just speak up about an apparent deception someone's tried to involve her in. The wife might divorce him, she might stick a pair of scissors through his eyeball, she might squeak,roll over and forgive him, who knows? Who cares? It's the wife's call, once she's armed with the knowledge of what her hubby is putting out in the public domain - it's not like he and YummyMummy were having a secret liaison, he's approaching strangers online looking to cheat on his Mrs. Of course, if all that matters to you is the people who are engaged with you there and then, and you don't care anything about them once the humping finishes, good for you, I'm sure life is less complicated, "what goes on in swinging stays in swinging" obviously means "do what the hell you like, it's all about the shagging and nothing else" to you. However, "what goes on in swinging stays in swinging", for me, means not unnecessarily broadcasting who has done what to who, it's about being discreet, in the same way I wouldn't tell all and sundry about how I shagged my wife (were I married). It's to protect others from hearing the shocking details of my sexual proclivities as much as anything else, there are some people who would have a seizure if they knew some of the things I do for relaxation. It's not to protect anyone who tries to involve me in their deceit. Perhaps this means that you will attract people who will be be up to all sorts of things but know you won't blab, whereas I will only attract people who have nothing to hide. I know which kind of people I prefer. | |||
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"I had been chatting with a couple on another site and started talking on msn with the female half.It soon became clear that she was not interested in swing, was just doing it for her husband and she deleted their profile(which he put on without her consent)our situations in life are quite similar and we have sort of become friends.now when I first saw their profile pics the husband's pic kept niggling at me...like I had seen it before...I was about 90% sure that I had seen it before, had been contacted by him previously as a single male.I went through my deleted contacts on msn and sure enough there was his email address and it clicked that I had blocked him once it became clear to me that he was married and playing away... my question is..would you tell her?" you say you got to know them from another site is it another swinging site? | |||
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"If she is the type of woman that chooses to ignore the obvious she probably won't appreciate someone coming in and upsetting the apple cart of her relaionship" Yes, but the point is that if she chooses to ignore it, it WON'T be upsetting the apple cart. The buck stops at her door, any decision she makes, or doesn't make, is her's alone, and no-one can judge her to be right or wrong. If she decides to do nothing and the hubby tries to fuck every woman in town, at least she won't be able to turn round in tears and say "I had no idea....." How much of shit would you feel if she said that to you and you thought "Well, we ALL knew, a long time ago" ? Of course, YummyMummy could simply block both of them and say "Fuck 'em, nowt to do with me, not getting involved". Case closed. | |||
"Would a woman who puts up with this be happy to have her nose rubbed in it even more? Going along with swinging to keep him happy... smells of desperation to keep him and low self belief. Going along with it... avoiding the confrontation more like. What does that say about her? If he can get away with that right in her face, then do you really think he won't talk his way out of his pervious profile.... for research purposes no doubt. It's likely she already knows or suspects what else he's been doing and being told others know is not likely to make her stronger... quite the opposite. If you do tell her there is a good chance you won't be improving how she feels about her life... and it's unlikely she'll do anything about it with regards to him. You will likely just become yet another reminder of what she is trying to ignore." Perhaps it might be the final straw which breaks the camel's back, she might take control of her life, kick him out, and regain her self-respect. She might grab him by the balls and rein him in a bit. Who knows? As I said before, what she chooses to do is no-one else's concern, that's between the two people in that relationship, who are we to judge what they do between them? Sparing her the information because she's apparently used to being a doormat and might feel worse, however, is extremely patronising IMHO, she might just be extremely trusting and slow on the uptake. Furnish her with the info, let her make an informed decision in control of her own destiny. | |||
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"For me the hardest thing to come to terms with in my own relationship was being totally blind and trusting. Although family and friends had said to me they didnt like the "friendship" I still trusted him and all his explanations. I just wish that I had found out realier as for me the last year or our relationship was total lies and I could have got rid of him earlier and gained my life back sooner. The lies did it for me. Being taken for a mug. So give her the information and she will do what she wants with it, ignore it,not believe it, blame you for it or actually finally realsise what a shit the person is and get rid as I did. Good luck whatever happens" I agree with _ruit and TheWolf. I was married to a charming man who I loved and trusted. He was career minded and I supported him through his working degree while I put everything on hold looking after the kids. I believed his explanations when he was working late because I thought he was doing it for us. His behaviour became erratic and he started to treat me like crap. Made me feel inadequate and started putting me down. I discoverd emails about his affair. He then left. Blaming me. He said the affair had only just started and I have since discoverd it had been going on for a year, about the time he started treating me like crap. Topping it all off having to find out that my closest friends had not told me about it. And discovering that that was not the first affair he had had and they had not told me left me feeling totally isolated and betrayed by everyone I trusted. I did not blame them for his behaviour but I blamed them for allowing his treatment of me to continue when i had confided in them how he was being. Honestly the best thing that ever happened apart from my kids was finding out. For a few months I was scared and unconfident but I am now have control of my life and am doing things for myself and my kids and not him. It did leave me with very few friends for a while as I felt I could no longer trust those people for not telling me something so important. First thing I did was get myself down the GUM and get checked out. Have any of you thought about that aspect of keeping quiet! Who knows what he could be doing and giving her. | |||
" Furnish her with the info, let her make an informed decision in control of her own destiny. " It may have gone above your head... but that's what I am doing in respect of the OP, who is the one asking for advice afterall.... it's her choices she is asking about. Rather than stuffing an opinion of "you should do this" down her throat, it's better to help her make an informed decision about her destiny by asking questions to encoutage thought about the results of actions... then she can weigh it all up in her own mind. | |||
"For me the hardest thing to come to terms with in my own relationship was being totally blind and trusting. Although family and friends had said to me they didnt like the "friendship" I still trusted him and all his explanations. I just wish that I had found out realier as for me the last year or our relationship was total lies and I could have got rid of him earlier and gained my life back sooner. The lies did it for me. Being taken for a mug. So give her the information and she will do what she wants with it, ignore it,not believe it, blame you for it or actually finally realsise what a shit the person is and get rid as I did. Good luck whatever happens I agree with _ruit and TheWolf. I was married to a charming man who I loved and trusted. He was career minded and I supported him through his working degree while I put everything on hold looking after the kids. I believed his explanations when he was working late because I thought he was doing it for us. His behaviour became erratic and he started to treat me like crap. Made me feel inadequate and started putting me down. I discoverd emails about his affair. He then left. Blaming me. He said the affair had only just started and I have since discoverd it had been going on for a year, about the time he started treating me like crap. Topping it all off having to find out that my closest friends had not told me about it. And discovering that that was not the first affair he had had and they had not told me left me feeling totally isolated and betrayed by everyone I trusted. I did not blame them for his behaviour but I blamed them for allowing his treatment of me to continue when i had confided in them how he was being. Honestly the best thing that ever happened apart from my kids was finding out. For a few months I was scared and unconfident but I am now have control of my life and am doing things for myself and my kids and not him. It did leave me with very few friends for a while as I felt I could no longer trust those people for not telling me something so important. First thing I did was get myself down the GUM and get checked out. Have any of you thought about that aspect of keeping quiet! Who knows what he could be doing and giving her. " Yeah well she already knows (or should know) enough.... don't forget what he has already done that she knows about and she has 'gone along with'. This isn't a blind person walking in the dark.... it's a sunny day and she has glued her eyelids shut. | |||
"For me the hardest thing to come to terms with in my own relationship was being totally blind and trusting. Although family and friends had said to me they didnt like the "friendship" I still trusted him and all his explanations. I just wish that I had found out realier as for me the last year or our relationship was total lies and I could have got rid of him earlier and gained my life back sooner. The lies did it for me. Being taken for a mug. So give her the information and she will do what she wants with it, ignore it,not believe it, blame you for it or actually finally realsise what a shit the person is and get rid as I did. Good luck whatever happens I agree with _ruit and TheWolf. I was married to a charming man who I loved and trusted. He was career minded and I supported him through his working degree while I put everything on hold looking after the kids. I believed his explanations when he was working late because I thought he was doing it for us. His behaviour became erratic and he started to treat me like crap. Made me feel inadequate and started putting me down. I discoverd emails about his affair. He then left. Blaming me. He said the affair had only just started and I have since discoverd it had been going on for a year, about the time he started treating me like crap. Topping it all off having to find out that my closest friends had not told me about it. And discovering that that was not the first affair he had had and they had not told me left me feeling totally isolated and betrayed by everyone I trusted. I did not blame them for his behaviour but I blamed them for allowing his treatment of me to continue when i had confided in them how he was being. Honestly the best thing that ever happened apart from my kids was finding out. For a few months I was scared and unconfident but I am now have control of my life and am doing things for myself and my kids and not him. It did leave me with very few friends for a while as I felt I could no longer trust those people for not telling me something so important. First thing I did was get myself down the GUM and get checked out. Have any of you thought about that aspect of keeping quiet! Who knows what he could be doing and giving her. Yeah well she already knows (or should know) enough.... don't forget what he has already done that she knows about and she has 'gone along with'. This isn't a blind person walking in the dark.... it's a sunny day and she has glued her eyelids shut." But maybe she does trust him and accept his explanations. You dont know what he has told her. She may believe that he put the profile up to spice things up for the 2 of them and that as she has said no thats the end of it. She may actually trust him. She may have suspicions and no proof that he has actually done anything. He may be a damn good liar, and fed her a load of crap that might be making her doubt herself and her own intuition. It happens believe me! It does not make her weak or stupid just human and trusting. On the other hand she could know all about it and just be too scared to do anything because of the fear of being lonely and alone. I know from my own experience I would have much prefered to have known than the year of hell I went through up till I found out thinking it was my fault. | |||
" Furnish her with the info, let her make an informed decision in control of her own destiny. It may have gone above your head... but that's what I am doing in respect of the OP, who is the one asking for advice afterall.... it's her choices she is asking about. Rather than stuffing an opinion of "you should do this" down her throat, it's better to help her make an informed decision about her destiny by asking questions to encoutage thought about the results of actions... then she can weigh it all up in her own mind. " Ah, OK, fair enough, it's got nothing to do with this other woman and her hubby, it's only about YummyMummy then, no-one else. In that case, your comment above was the only one with any relevance here, all others should be deleted: "As for advice on what to do, no one on here can tell you that.... you do whichever you have the strongest desire to do to uphold your own values." This thread has obviously run it's course, next moral dilemma please!! Next time anyone asks advice, the first answer should be: "Do what you like, we won't advise you, the choice is yours", then the thread locked, it'd save loads of time.  | |||
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" Furnish her with the info, let her make an informed decision in control of her own destiny. It may have gone above your head... but that's what I am doing in respect of the OP, who is the one asking for advice afterall.... it's her choices she is asking about. Rather than stuffing an opinion of "you should do this" down her throat, it's better to help her make an informed decision about her destiny by asking questions to encoutage thought about the results of actions... then she can weigh it all up in her own mind. Ah, OK, fair enough, it's got nothing to do with this other woman and her hubby, it's only about YummyMummy then, no-one else. In that case, your comment above was the only one with any relevance here, all others should be deleted: "As for advice on what to do, no one on here can tell you that.... you do whichever you have the strongest desire to do to uphold your own values." This thread has obviously run it's course, next moral dilemma please!! Next time anyone asks advice, the first answer should be: "Do what you like, we won't advise you, the choice is yours", then the thread locked, it'd save loads of time. "Of course it is about the OP - the couple are not here to advise and haven't asked for it...... derrrr! The OP has to make the choice - not the couple. The OP has a better chance of making an informed choice if she thinks about the possible outcomes and how they effect her. | |||
"What I am about to type is not a suggestion that your situation was easy.... it is however much easier to say after the fact that "I wish I had known sooner" and "I'd have done something about it sooner"... easier because you have already done something. People will open their eyes when they are ready to open their eyes. People will act when they are ready to act.... but always after they have chosen to look for themselves. How many people have you told their new partner is an arsehole (before it even gets serious)..... and did they listen at the time? More than likely not....... people need to be ready to see what others think is obvious. " As it happens i recently told a friend of mine my opinion of her partner. The fact that I had walked in on him kissing some woman in the garden of the pub. They have been together 17 years. She was not angry with me but glad i had been honest with her. She had no idea. He had been seeing the woman for 3 years and got careless. I've been there to support her through it all. She has chosen to forgive him and while i don't agree with her have told her i will support her if she needs me. It was her decision and and informed choice on her part. She has been checked out and now insists he wears condoms. She can protect herself. I did not feel good about telling her in fact it made me feel like shit to be the bringer of bad news. But sometimes life throws these things at us and hopes that we follow our instincts to do what we as individuals feel is right. At the end of the day I can live with my decision. Its up to the OP to decide if she can live with the decision that she finally makes. After all we can only tell her about our experiences and opinions. We cannot judge her or her friend as we do not know all of the circumstances. And you cannot truly say that this woman knows what is going on or that if she doesn't she is walking around with her eyes glued shut. Remember the saying "Love is blind" Maybe she had not yet become a cynic like some and still believes in trust. We are human beings and most of us let our hearts rule our heads and are influenced by our emotions. | |||
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