FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > Sub / dom contract
Sub / dom contract
Jump to: Newest in thread
| |||
"The male half of us also has a single profile where he plays alone. Recently he has met a single female who wants to be dominated by him, she has asked him for a written contract (50 shades style). What are people's thoughts on this please?" consenting adults alls good .  | |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
"And the contract should be Open to review periodically by both parties. Contact or no, nothing is set in stone. " A contract and be for built for any amount of time bit years or 1 hour. | |||
| |||
| |||
"If you are just meeting for the first time you wouldn't have a contract but you would need a safe word" Agreed | |||
"If you are just meeting for the first time you wouldn't have a contract but you would need a safe word Agreed" Although the interweb does allow people to meet in a virtual world first and agreements can be made prior to a real meeting | |||
"If you are just meeting for the first time you wouldn't have a contract but you would need a safe word Agreed" Except that the sub has asked for one specifically. Perhaps she wants to ensure everyone is on the same page and all bases are covered before playing. It wouldn't have occurred to me to do it, but actually.... I think it's quite smart. | |||
"If you are just meeting for the first time you wouldn't have a contract but you would need a safe word" think a safe word is vital to help both master and sub | |||
"If you are just meeting for the first time you wouldn't have a contract but you would need a safe word Agreed Except that the sub has asked for one specifically. Perhaps she wants to ensure everyone is on the same page and all bases are covered before playing. It wouldn't have occurred to me to do it, but actually.... I think it's quite smart. " A contract is not something that I would suggest from day 1 either but a damn good conversation is..lol | |||
"If you are just meeting for the first time you wouldn't have a contract but you would need a safe word think a safe word is vital to help both master and sub " I would never play without a safe word in place... For me the s has the control not me even though it may not look that way to the outside world | |||
"If you are just meeting for the first time you wouldn't have a contract but you would need a safe word Agreed Except that the sub has asked for one specifically. Perhaps she wants to ensure everyone is on the same page and all bases are covered before playing. It wouldn't have occurred to me to do it, but actually.... I think it's quite smart. A contract is not something that I would suggest from day 1 either but a damn good conversation is..lol " I have to have lots and lots of damn good conversations before i will play with someone, i was simply hypothesising. I don't see a reason having a contract from the beginning would be a deal breaker. I've heard of others that do so. | |||
| |||
"If you are just meeting for the first time you wouldn't have a contract but you would need a safe word Agreed Except that the sub has asked for one specifically. Perhaps she wants to ensure everyone is on the same page and all bases are covered before playing. It wouldn't have occurred to me to do it, but actually.... I think it's quite smart. A contract is not something that I would suggest from day 1 either but a damn good conversation is..lol I have to have lots and lots of damn good conversations before i will play with someone, i was simply hypothesising. I don't see a reason having a contract from the beginning would be a deal breaker. I've heard of others that do so. " I agree with you.. It is, like all things, a case of horses for courses | |||
"Thanks for all your comments peeps, they've made for interesting reading x" Welcome x | |||
| |||
"You could I suppose but it makes life to complicated in the beginning as a Master I have to get to know what buttons to press to get the best results and having to abide by a contract would make that difficult to be able to push boundaries I need freedom for example if in the contract she objects to public humiliation so telling her to drop to her knees at a party wouldn't be allowed even though its very soft" It is a complicated life we lead lol I know how you feel regards freedom. Every Bdsm relationship, in whatever form that is, is different and I think that is a good thing | |||
"You could I suppose but it makes life to complicated in the beginning as a Master I have to get to know what buttons to press to get the best results and having to abide by a contract would make that difficult to be able to push boundaries I need freedom for example if in the contract she objects to public humiliation so telling her to drop to her knees at a party wouldn't be allowed even though its very soft" Hhhmmmm, see before i will sub to anyone i have to know that my boundaries are firmly in place and respected. That's the only way I'm comfortable with submitting to someone. So needing to explore in order to define boundaries would put me off. I suppose that just goes to highlight just how unique to the person bdsm really is. | |||
"You could I suppose but it makes life to complicated in the beginning as a Master I have to get to know what buttons to press to get the best results and having to abide by a contract would make that difficult to be able to push boundaries I need freedom for example if in the contract she objects to public humiliation so telling her to drop to her knees at a party wouldn't be allowed even though its very soft Hhhmmmm, see before i will sub to anyone i have to know that my boundaries are firmly in place and respected. That's the only way I'm comfortable with submitting to someone. So needing to explore in order to define boundaries would put me off. I suppose that just goes to highlight just how unique to the person bdsm really is. " Without doubt, Bdsm is a very individual thing. I see my Dominance as a giving thing even though it looks like I am taking.. | |||
"You could I suppose but it makes life to complicated in the beginning as a Master I have to get to know what buttons to press to get the best results and having to abide by a contract would make that difficult to be able to push boundaries I need freedom for example if in the contract she objects to public humiliation so telling her to drop to her knees at a party wouldn't be allowed even though its very soft Hhhmmmm, see before i will sub to anyone i have to know that my boundaries are firmly in place and respected. That's the only way I'm comfortable with submitting to someone. So needing to explore in order to define boundaries would put me off. I suppose that just goes to highlight just how unique to the person bdsm really is. Without doubt, Bdsm is a very individual thing. I see my Dominance as a giving thing even though it looks like I am taking.." Yes, i agree. I don't want the responsibility of domming anyone. I like giving my submission to someone who has taken the time to earn it. | |||
"You could I suppose but it makes life to complicated in the beginning as a Master I have to get to know what buttons to press to get the best results and having to abide by a contract would make that difficult to be able to push boundaries I need freedom for example if in the contract she objects to public humiliation so telling her to drop to her knees at a party wouldn't be allowed even though its very soft Hhhmmmm, see before i will sub to anyone i have to know that my boundaries are firmly in place and respected. That's the only way I'm comfortable with submitting to someone. So needing to explore in order to define boundaries would put me off. I suppose that just goes to highlight just how unique to the person bdsm really is. Without doubt, Bdsm is a very individual thing. I see my Dominance as a giving thing even though it looks like I am taking.. Yes, i agree. I don't want the responsibility of domming anyone. I like giving my submission to someone who has taken the time to earn it. " I enjoy the responsibility of being a Dom and of course I would be a liar if I didn't admit to loving the ego trip it gives me. Giving someone the pleasure the crave is a brilliant trip and something that I am very fortunate to enjoy | |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
"Im not saying that you shouldn't have boundaries im just saying that a contract is final with periodically reviews I think what it all comes down to is just one word TRUST without that it ain't gonna work and that communication is a big part Im not in it to give pain or cause pain its about giving the sub what she craves at that moment in time " I totally agree about giving what is desired | |||
"Im not saying that you shouldn't have boundaries im just saying that a contract is final with periodically reviews I think what it all comes down to is just one word TRUST without that it ain't gonna work and that communication is a big part Im not in it to give pain or cause pain its about giving the sub what she craves at that moment in time I totally agree about giving what is desired" I'm not disagreeing at all with trust or communication. I'd actually add respect to that list, as well. And the pushing boundaries to give the sub what she wants argument is valid, BUT only if you're a good Dom. From the flip side, I've talked to Doms before and they weren't going to push me to give me what i wanted but to make me do what they wanted. They weren't good Doms. Moreso because they couldn't see anything wrong with their attitude. Not all Doms are like that, i know, but some are. Having firm outlines that the Dom adheres to doesn't have to be a bad thing and it builds trust and respect which over time broadens boundaries and limits..... And can actually make the Dom a better Dom by forcing them to get creative and think outside the box and what they're used to doing. Yes, this is about the needs of two individuals but saying its too hard to work in a certain way really doesn't push the sub, it limits the Dom. | |||
"You could I suppose but it makes life to complicated in the beginning as a Master I have to get to know what buttons to press to get the best results and having to abide by a contract would make that difficult to be able to push boundaries I need freedom for example if in the contract she objects to public humiliation so telling her to drop to her knees at a party wouldn't be allowed even though its very soft Hhhmmmm, see before i will sub to anyone i have to know that my boundaries are firmly in place and respected. That's the only way I'm comfortable with submitting to someone. So needing to explore in order to define boundaries would put me off. I suppose that just goes to highlight just how unique to the person bdsm really is. Without doubt, Bdsm is a very individual thing. I see my Dominance as a giving thing even though it looks like I am taking.. Yes, i agree. I don't want the responsibility of domming anyone. I like giving my submission to someone who has taken the time to earn it. I enjoy the responsibility of being a Dom and of course I would be a liar if I didn't admit to loving the ego trip it gives me. Giving someone the pleasure the crave is a brilliant trip and something that I am very fortunate to enjoy" I'm off the same mind about submission. It's unlike anything i can describe. I'm not one that most would see as submissive. In fact, I'm a switch and it's damn challenging to get me to submit, but when i do its aprofound experience for me. | |||
"You could I suppose but it makes life to complicated in the beginning as a Master I have to get to know what buttons to press to get the best results and having to abide by a contract would make that difficult to be able to push boundaries I need freedom for example if in the contract she objects to public humiliation so telling her to drop to her knees at a party wouldn't be allowed even though its very soft Hhhmmmm, see before i will sub to anyone i have to know that my boundaries are firmly in place and respected. That's the only way I'm comfortable with submitting to someone. So needing to explore in order to define boundaries would put me off. I suppose that just goes to highlight just how unique to the person bdsm really is. Without doubt, Bdsm is a very individual thing. I see my Dominance as a giving thing even though it looks like I am taking.. Yes, i agree. I don't want the responsibility of domming anyone. I like giving my submission to someone who has taken the time to earn it. I enjoy the responsibility of being a Dom and of course I would be a liar if I didn't admit to loving the ego trip it gives me. Giving someone the pleasure the crave is a brilliant trip and something that I am very fortunate to enjoy I'm off the same mind about submission. It's unlike anything i can describe. I'm not one that most would see as submissive. In fact, I'm a switch and it's damn challenging to get me to submit, but when i do its aprofound experience for me. " May your vanilla get twisted and enjoy every second of it.. lol | |||
"You could I suppose but it makes life to complicated in the beginning as a Master I have to get to know what buttons to press to get the best results and having to abide by a contract would make that difficult to be able to push boundaries I need freedom for example if in the contract she objects to public humiliation so telling her to drop to her knees at a party wouldn't be allowed even though its very soft Hhhmmmm, see before i will sub to anyone i have to know that my boundaries are firmly in place and respected. That's the only way I'm comfortable with submitting to someone. So needing to explore in order to define boundaries would put me off. I suppose that just goes to highlight just how unique to the person bdsm really is. Without doubt, Bdsm is a very individual thing. I see my Dominance as a giving thing even though it looks like I am taking.. Yes, i agree. I don't want the responsibility of domming anyone. I like giving my submission to someone who has taken the time to earn it. I enjoy the responsibility of being a Dom and of course I would be a liar if I didn't admit to loving the ego trip it gives me. Giving someone the pleasure the crave is a brilliant trip and something that I am very fortunate to enjoy I'm off the same mind about submission. It's unlike anything i can describe. I'm not one that most would see as submissive. In fact, I'm a switch and it's damn challenging to get me to submit, but when i do its aprofound experience for me. May your vanilla get twisted and enjoy every second of it.. lol" Thank you. | |||
 | |||
"Very wise words.so good to see such positive things on a thread like this "Bdsm is a fun thing. It is deep and intense that goes without saying but it is above all fun | |||
"Very wise words.so good to see such positive things on a thread like this "Yes, I'm enjoying reading the insights others have and it's nice that it's a genuine discussion that hasn't descended into the madness of judgemental attitudes and defending choices we make. Very refreshing change. Thanks to the op and everyone who has made the discussion what it has been to this point. | |||
"Very wise words.so good to see such positive things on a thread like this
Bdsm is a fun thing. It is deep and intense that goes without saying but it is above all fun " | |||
"Very wise words.so good to see such positive things on a thread like this
Yes, I'm enjoying reading the insights others have and it's nice that it's a genuine discussion that hasn't descended into the madness of judgemental attitudes and defending choices we make. Very refreshing change. Thanks to the op and everyone who has made the discussion what it has been to this point. "Thank you | |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
"We try our best I think you have seen it from both sides and as in any good relationship of any sort you have concessions and compromise and let's face it if the sub doesn't want it it ain't gonna happen she has ultimate power" That's the truth | |||
"It's been really refreshing reading all your thoughts on this. We have discussed it together at great length and feel that a contract could not only be restrictive as it takes all the fun out of it but that it's also very early days to ask for something in writing. We haven't known this lady very long so haven't had chance to form any sort of bond with her but she is messaging him on a regular basis basically demanding something in writing. Do you think there should be a little bit of exploring first before things are made "official" x" My feelings on this are.... it's obviously important to her so..... I'd be encouraging discourse to exploe why she feels she needs it. Do you really feel that is an unreasonable request? Why do you feel that you'll be too limited, if you aren't even to the point of knowing what the contract will cover yet? Could you compromise with a contract for a short term that is then discussed and reviewed and amended as both parties are comfortable? | |||
 | |||
| |||
"The bottom line is this. If you want to go with the contract then go with it. If you aren't happy with it then move on and do what makes you feel good... Don't ever settle with something just for the sake of it... Can't see how doing something that don't work for you is a good thing. It's just a thing"  | |||
"Don't forget to get your solicitor to go over the detail, you wouldn't want to get stitched up. Personally I think all that contract stuff, along with collaring, is a load of old bollocks and bores me to tears. BDSM for me is fluid, living, evolving, multi-dimensional beast. Putting some old cobblers on paper is limiting and restrictive in an unhelpful way, in my humble opinion. It's amazing to me how some people want to expand their horizons yet think they have to do this or that in a certain way because others have led them to believe that's the way to go, that there's a formal structure to kink. Not in my Grimoire there isn't. It pleases me to do things in a way that scrambles the brains of those who simply HAVE to adhere to some bullshit formula invented by people who like to think they have broken away from the bounds of vanilla relationships, yet just end up with a different set of rules. I'll decide what's right,and I AM always right, ha. Personally, I'd be hesitant to get too involved with anyone who wanted a contract right off the bat, I'm the kind of person who wades into a swimming pool, rather than diving in head first. There's a lot of over-dramatic Bat Shit Crazy out there, trust me. If I knew them well beforehand, that would be less of a concern. Anyone I Dom should be able to look me in the eye, and know what I am. My word is my bond. They don't need it on paper, but then I wouldn't expect them to give me free reign without trusting me first. No trust? No thanks. A signed contract, like a safe word, won't protect anyone from harm if harm is intended. Better to know who you are dealing with before you find yourself in a situation spiralling beyond your pre-set boundaries, and the rip-cord comes off in your hands. That said, I realise that for some people, all that stuff I find bollocks is a precious, key part of the whole mindset, and it gives them security and pleasure to do it. If that's what floats their boat... Maybe I'd get a massive document together and do the Van Halen thing - drop in a clause about no brown M&Ms backstage, so they could tell if the contract had been read thoroughly. Like I said right at the start, a contract that isn't read thoroughly can be a dangerous item, I wasn't joking! I once signed a piece of paper, and being young, cocky and d*unk, used my own blood. I've yet to see the things I was promised, nor the chap who dared me to sign, come to that. It cured me of playing with an Ouija Board in the woods at night though, I can tell you! "Lol i keep getting told there's no one way, right way, or true way, to do kink. I like wearing a collar during play because its a tool that helps me switch gears mentally. I wouldn't wear one all the time because I'm not submissive all the time. That's just an example of how we ask do things differently and it's simply a case of finding someone compatible with us. A sub or Dom has a right to ask for a contract at any time. a sub it Dom has a right to say no to a contract at any time. Yada yada yada. Basically, what I've done here is a bit of devil's advocate and attempt to explore the idea that the sub put forward to the op. A one sided discussion that didn't do that wouldn't actually have benefited the op in making their decision. I do, however, stand by my earlier comment that if a Dom feels that a contract or a sub's boundaries are too limiting, then it's the Dom that is limiting themselves and not the sub limiting them. If you're compatible without a contract, why can't you be compatible with one? If both of you choose you go that route, obviously. | |||
"The male half of us also has a single profile where he plays alone. Recently he has met a single female who wants to be dominated by him, she has asked him for a written contract (50 shades style). What are people's thoughts on this please? consenting adults alls good . "
| |||
| |||
"Some people just dont grasp it a contract is a sign of power the sub is basically signing away the subs right to say no much as the same as you sign a contract at work saying that you will work weekends it takes all the decision and power and gives it to there employer or Master" And I've spoken to people who had contacts and it wasn't the perception i got at all. Basically the contract sets out the agreed limits and boundaries, sometimes in great detail sometimes with more ambiguity. The contract then agrees that the sub will submit with in those agreed limits and the Dom will abide by those limits but will you anything within those limits that they seem fit for purpose at the time. The contract simply gives both parties something to refer to birth as a starting point and at a later time to negotiate broadening some limits and removing our placing others. It's a tool, nothing more nothing less. | |||
"Some people just dont grasp it a contract is a sign of power the sub is basically signing away the subs right to say no much as the same as you sign a contract at work saying that you will work weekends it takes all the decision and power and gives it to there employer or Master And I've spoken to people who had contacts and it wasn't the perception i got at all. Basically the contract sets out the agreed limits and boundaries, sometimes in great detail sometimes with more ambiguity. The contract then agrees that the sub will submit with in those agreed limits and the Dom will abide by those limits but will you anything within those limits that they seem fit for purpose at the time. The contract simply gives both parties something to refer to birth as a starting point and at a later time to negotiate broadening some limits and removing our placing others. It's a tool, nothing more nothing less. " I see you're point so it could be used as both a declaration of submission as well as setting out boundaries I suppose its up to the individual's how they use it everyone has different kinks but above all its supposed to be fun and safe if you don't feel that its either its not for you | |||
"Some people just dont grasp it a contract is a sign of power the sub is basically signing away the subs right to say no much as the same as you sign a contract at work saying that you will work weekends it takes all the decision and power and gives it to there employer or Master And I've spoken to people who had contacts and it wasn't the perception i got at all. Basically the contract sets out the agreed limits and boundaries, sometimes in great detail sometimes with more ambiguity. The contract then agrees that the sub will submit with in those agreed limits and the Dom will abide by those limits but will you anything within those limits that they seem fit for purpose at the time. The contract simply gives both parties something to refer to birth as a starting point and at a later time to negotiate broadening some limits and removing our placing others. It's a tool, nothing more nothing less. I see you're point so it could be used as both a declaration of submission as well as setting out boundaries I suppose its up to the individual's how they use it everyone has different kinks but above all its supposed to be fun and safe if you don't feel that its either its not for you" I absolutely agree with fun and safe. And yes, that's basically what I've been trying to say the whole time, that the contract can be used in any way the parties agree, basically. It is what you make of it. Perhaps this sub feels more comfortable if she knows that the boundaries are clear. Perhaps that's not what she means by contract at all. That needs exploring between the parties. I can see that if it's used to oytline boundaries etc, it's useful because if they're agreed and then the sub suddenly says 'but *insert action here* is a limit and you knew that, you could refer back to the contract to check. It's not as if they're anything more than symbolic, anyway, but can be useful particularly if the sub is new to the scene. | |||
| |||
"I think we have to agree that a contract has many uses and its interpretation is open and its up to the individuals to take it how they want and to use it to the best effect according to the individuals situation" | |||
| |||
| |||
"Can I ask why she is demanding a contract?" probably because shes red that god awful book that some think is a bdsm handbook | |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
| |||
"What a refreshing change! It's nice to see a sensible discussion and people giving advice and their opinions. I personally wouldn't sign a contract with someone who I didn't know, trust and believe they had my best interests at heart. A really good place to start is to have open and honest discussions and move on from there. OP my advice is you should only do what you feel comfortable with. " | |||
"Can I ask why she is demanding a contract?probably because shes red that god awful book that some think is a bdsm handbook " That's exactly what has happened she seems to think it will have the same results | |||
| |||
"It's been really refreshing reading all your thoughts on this. We have discussed it together at great length and feel that a contract could not only be restrictive as it takes all the fun out of it but that it's also very early days to ask for something in writing. We haven't known this lady very long so haven't had chance to form any sort of bond with her but she is messaging him on a regular basis basically demanding something in writing. Do you think there should be a little bit of exploring first before things are made "official" x" I have never been a sub so thedr are just my thoughts if I were one. It's a bit soon for a commitment like a contract, maybe she has found the right man for this and wants to have this in place but I would agree with you on the playing and get to know each other before agreeing to her request | |||
| |||
