FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > fear of rejection
fear of rejection
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't have much time to meet usually and can't accommodate. I feel if I message first the man will assume it's going to be a certainty we will have sex, without talking to see if there's any attraction other than a pic and profile |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I remember a lady once saying on here that she once sent a message and it was ignored so she would never do so again so I guess fear of rejection is a factor
I also expect that lots will say they never need to send a message as they get so many but then they moan about the calibre of the messages or moan that their profiles havn't been read?
Personally im happy to send an initial message and have all my filters on a lot of the time to prevent messages as I find its an easier way to run my profile |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Mostly I think because we are inundated with messages and spend all our time either answering or deleting them, no time left to send  "
A fair point but the counter to that is if you sent message out us men would not have to send so many out in the firs place.  |
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"I remember a lady once saying on here that she once sent a message and it was ignored so she would never do so again so I guess fear of rejection is a factor
I also expect that lots will say they never need to send a message as they get so many but then they moan about the calibre of the messages or moan that their profiles havn't been read?
Personally im happy to send an initial message and have all my filters on a lot of the time to prevent messages as I find its an easier way to run my profile"
Yes the " I receive lots of messages" is a red herring
So women with standards are on here looking for a tiny minority who are their preference ? A strange thing to do is only aim for those men who message them ?
A side note I wonder if the desirability of a man is inversely proportional to the messages he sends ie desirable man is not the most likely man to send a message to the most women xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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i tend to wink rather than message at first. i know I'm not to everyone's tastes as not everyone is to my taste. i don't fear rejection though.... not on fab, anyway. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
A side note I wonder if the desirability of a man is inversely proportional to the messages he sends ie desirable man is not the most likely man to send a message to the most women xx"
Is a desirable man aware that he's desirable though? Or would his desirability be measured by whats in his inbox |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Have never been inundated with messages to the point that I can't do anything else.
Mostly I don't message people first because I'm lazy. When I do want to meet somebody I use the Meet Today thing which works very well. |
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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago
Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria |
I've gone looking on occasion...I don't get millions of messages, but I do get enough past my numpty filters to mean that there's usually someone wanting to meet, it's just that often can't synch diaries so I do browse locally (although considering that my postcode covers 2 counties, local can be a bit of a misnomer).
I don't bother too much if I get a knock back...I just track their home address via my GCHQ contacts and firebomb the entire street  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've sent messages... Had some replies and a couple have resulted in meets. Admittedly I don't send many, but it depends on how many guys I'm speaking to too as I tend to do ok with incoming messages. I do sometimes find though that if I message there's is almost an assumption that I'm a sure thing, but some assume that I'd I reply so it's no different! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have a singles profile elsewhere where there is no filter so the floodgates are open.
If I'm not interested I message every guy with: 'No thanks, have lots of fun xxx' 99% say ok thanks. I've never once been abused for saying no so I have to say I don't think most people have a fear of rejection.
I refuse to be less courteous here than I am in life generally or let the level of interest change me.
I mainly look for my own men and am not afraid of being told by a guy he's not interested. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i tend to wink rather than message at first. i know I'm not to everyone's tastes as not everyone is to my taste. i don't fear rejection though.... not on fab, anyway. "
I do tend to wink more than I message... but will always message a returned wink or a wink from someone I like the look of |
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"i tend to wink rather than message at first. i know I'm not to everyone's tastes as not everyone is to my taste. i don't fear rejection though.... not on fab, anyway.
I do tend to wink more than I message... but will always message a returned wink or a wink from someone I like the look of"
didnt receive said wink  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i tend to wink rather than message at first. i know I'm not to everyone's tastes as not everyone is to my taste. i don't fear rejection though.... not on fab, anyway.
I do tend to wink more than I message... but will always message a returned wink or a wink from someone I like the look of
didnt receive said wink "
lol because you're in London and I'm in Hull. simple. i trend to avoid arranging meets with people who need to travel far because i have a young special needs child and I've had to cancel before as i was walking out the door on the way to a meet because the school called. would feel even more terrible than i did if that person had traveled for hours! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think, because I'm a BBW, I'm aware thats not all mens/womens personal taste so, I tend not to message first for that reason alone x
This  "
Well I think both type I find it more the person I like. I like BBW and skiny for differing reasons. I do like to have my cake and eat it. For her if I can.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have never sent a message first
If I like I have occasionally winked or fabbed a pic
Then if they like me they can message me
Not confident enough to actually message anyone I don't think
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"All you have to do is have female on your profile and you'll get a flooded inbox.. regardless of pics or no pics... some guys eh..
err.. No you don't. "
Same. you don't |
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"There's not many men on here that I fancy and who also fulfil the various criteria required for me to be able to meet them. "
This would be the exact reason I'd block all men and search and message ?
Don't think anyone suggested men are the only ones rejected ?
To my knowledge we are all here mostly to find someone who matches our preferences and logically the best way to achive this goal regardless of messages received is to look for yourself and message ? The disparity between the sexes is bizarre |
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By *igeiaWoman
over a year ago
Bristol |
"All you have to do is have female on your profile and you'll get a flooded inbox.. regardless of pics or no pics... some guys eh..
err.. No you don't.
Same. you don't "
Same here too. You don't! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don't have much time to meet usually and can't accommodate. I feel if I message first the man will assume it's going to be a certainty we will have sex, without talking to see if there's any attraction other than a pic and profile "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To my knowledge we are all here mostly to find someone who matches our preferences and logically the best way to achive this goal regardless of messages received is to look for yourself and message ? The disparity between the sexes is bizarre "
A certain part of me thinks it may come down to tradition where a female wants a man to make the first move, to be desired and chased. But on a site like this that would make little sense and as you have already said, it would be more logical for the women to do the looking theirselves.
No idea, but I wish more women would (and not because I think my inbox would get more action) because by putting up filters they will alter the behaviour they are trying to deter. |
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"I think, because I'm a BBW, I'm aware thats not all mens/womens personal taste so, I tend not to message first for that reason alone x
This "
Me too - when I could meet I have sent some out first though which have led to a couple of meets others usually get a 'haha as if fatty' sort of reply to which i just shrugged off as their loss lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I very rarely allow my profile to show up on the searches. The majority of the time I go looking. Hate the thought of sitting around waiting for people to mail me. 
Men say no thanks. Couples just don't bother to reply. It doesn't break my heart. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I dare say there are more than a few guys scared of rejection too. Part of the reason imho that little thought often goes into initial messages. Of course then, in general, so starts the self-fulfilling prophecy ... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In the last year I have started to wink profiles I like, have sent the odd message too but not really got anywhere. I would agree that its fear of rejection but also lack of confidence and stepping into unknown territory; not knowing whether I will fancy the face attached to the body and then having to say no thanks if I don't like them has proved difficult.
And aside from work, I have never been one to be inundated with messages even before the filters came in so time is not an issue for me just the above |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When I was meeting I only met sub men. However, they tend not to state they're sub on their profile so I had little option except wait for them to contact me.  "
I have a vision of you sat with your feet up on the desk, a nice glass of wine and red painted finger nails tapping impatiently |
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"well I've already messaged everyone i think i might be interested in meeting. Lol (i live in a small town!)"
I was going to say you are allowed to communicate with people outside your own town. However I've looked at you're profile and it says 'can't travel and can't accommodate.' I've never quite grasped that one, do you only have fun on the doorstep or in the garden? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why do you think woman fear rejection if dont message first,i don't need to hunt here i go to regular partys and hunt men in the flesh ,chuck them over my shoulder and take them to a room to have me evil way with them,then befriend them on fab,then when in friends list they know where to be Caught by me again
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"Why do you think woman fear rejection if dont message first,i don't need to hunt here i go to regular partys and hunt men in the flesh ,chuck them over my shoulder and take them to a room to have me evil way with them,then befriend them on fab,then when in friends list they know where to be Caught by me again
"
I like the cut of your jib |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why do you think woman fear rejection if dont message first,i don't need to hunt here i go to regular partys and hunt men in the flesh ,chuck them over my shoulder and take them to a room to have me evil way with them,then befriend them on fab,then when in friends list they know where to be Caught by me again
I like the cut of your jib "
Just hope noone going friday reads that it Big lot of stairs |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"All you have to do is have female on your profile and you'll get a flooded inbox.. regardless of pics or no pics... some guys eh..
err.. No you don't.
Same. you don't
Same here too. You don't!"
I think i read this wrong. I thought it meant you don't get a flooded inbox. how dumb am I  |
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"Why do you think woman fear rejection if dont message first,i don't need to hunt here i go to regular partys and hunt men in the flesh ,chuck them over my shoulder and take them to a room to have me evil way with them,then befriend them on fab,then when in friends list they know where to be Caught by me again
I like the cut of your jib
Just hope noone going friday reads that it Big lot of stairs "
Don't make empty promises or threats
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm happy to send messages if something about them catches my eye. I don't see why it should be all one way. "
Same here. I message men as rarely allow males to message me. I'm very fussy so know what I'm looking for from a profile. If I'm intrigued to know Morel then I usually hotlist ready for when I feel the need. But mostly tend to find ugly faces attached to a gorgeous body.So most of the time I'm very disappointed. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm happy to send messages if something about them catches my eye. I don't see why it should be all one way. "
Same here. I message men as rarely allow males to message me. I'm very fussy so know what I'm looking for from a profile. If I'm intrigued to know More then I usually hotlist ready for when I feel the need. But mostly tend to find ugly faces attached to a gorgeous body.So most of the time I'm very disappointed. |
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By *igeiaWoman
over a year ago
Bristol |
"All you have to do is have female on your profile and you'll get a flooded inbox.. regardless of pics or no pics... some guys eh..
err.. No you don't.
Same. you don't
Same here too. You don't!
I think i read this wrong. I thought it meant you don't get a flooded inbox. how dumb am I "
That's what I thought it meant as well... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think, because I'm a BBW, I'm aware thats not all mens/womens personal taste so, I tend not to message first for that reason alone x
This "
+1
Plus as other ladies hav said, the assumption that me mailing them means that meeting is all bar arranged. Rather than just an interest in getting to know more than what's in the profile. Have only messaged first a few times lately because of this, and they were forum regulars I didn't feel would assume a message ment definite sex.x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm happy to send messages if something about them catches my eye. I don't see why it should be all one way. "
This.....and if the message is ignored, so what? Not likely to either see or have contact with them again so I'm not likely to let it worry me  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"All you have to do is have female on your profile and you'll get a flooded inbox.. regardless of pics or no pics... some guys eh..
err.. No you don't.
Same. you don't
Same here too. You don't!
I think i read this wrong. I thought it meant you don't get a flooded inbox. how dumb am I
That's what I thought it meant as well..."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've never sent the first message and don't think I ever will,not confident enough, mr just puts up meets when we can do them or we go to clubs (goodgirl) |
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"If i send a message out ... i am a "sure thing"
"
I was going to say please message me but having looked at your profile I miss out on one crucial element. However as a selling pointing I do organise lots of GBs and have lots of black regulars, if one 'loose' white guy could sneak in there, lovely |
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By *omMLMan
over a year ago
The Centre of the Universe |
This is an interesting discussion and it seems both sexes have a fear of rejection. But it's all part of life and we just have to get on with it.
There is no excuse for anyone being rude or offensive. Good luck everyone in finding what you want. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If i send a message out ... i am a "sure thing"
I was going to say please message me but having looked at your profile I miss out on one crucial element. However as a selling pointing I do organise lots of GBs and have lots of black regulars, if one 'loose' white guy could sneak in there, lovely "
thanks but I'm fully taken care of with gang bangs...... All Black I might add...... Thanks though |
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By *opinovMan
over a year ago
Point Nemo, Cumbria |
Well, I suppose there's nothing quite like this place to make you confront your fear of rejection head on and remind you that it's an inescapable part of life - so, yeah, good luck indeed... best of fucking British and all that.
G'nite! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I've gone looking on occasion...I don't get millions of messages, but I do get enough past my numpty filters to mean that there's usually someone wanting to meet, it's just that often can't synch diaries so I do browse locally (although considering that my postcode covers 2 counties, local can be a bit of a misnomer).
I don't bother too much if I get a knock back...I just track their home address via my GCHQ contacts and firebomb the entire street "
Fuck me.....I live in your postcode...that's worrying......ought I ask first to save my home and the homes of ny neighbours a flaming blazing death? |
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"If i send a message out ... i am a "sure thing"
I was going to say please message me but having looked at your profile I miss out on one crucial element. However as a selling pointing I do organise lots of GBs and have lots of black regulars, if one 'loose' white guy could sneak in there, lovely
thanks but I'm fully taken care of with gang bangs...... All Black I might add...... Thanks though"
A boy might as well try, obviously I'm not afraid of rejection |
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"well I've already messaged everyone i think i might be interested in meeting. Lol (i live in a small town!)
looked at you're profile and it says 'can't travel and can't accommodate.' I've never quite grasped that one, do you only have fun on the
doorstep or in the garden? "
basically it means I ain't going to glasgow for no man.
i don't have time for a 6 hour round trip to my nearest city. I need someone local so i can meet socially initially and decide about them 1st.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I must be a right slut. I will pursue a man.....shamelessly if need be.
you say that like it's a bad thing "
I think a quite a few people still think it is. I've read on other threads posters saying that women who pursue men must be desperate.
I feel like it's the 1950s sometimes.
I find chasing a man I want rather exciting. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Some ladies send messages x however it seems they are in a minority why do so few women send initial messages ? As for the title . pure baseless speculation xx"
Simply because there is no need to. I'm sure some of the shall We say ' better physically endowed' men also rarely have to initiate contact. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It takes me all my time to get thru the messages i receve daily so i don't have time to go searching for people. But it would seem every single guy on the site gets in touch anyway, whether they meet my criteria or not so me not messaging first isn't an issue. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think some women are scared of rejection, I once declined an offer from a woman and the abuse I received was shocking. This that moan about receiving unwanted mail should block single men and send out messages instead |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it's all about expectations.
Women are supposed to be in huge demand, so it's easy to imagine why some might feel slighted when they get knocked back.
Men, on the other hand, expect that most of their approaches will come to nothing. Bless em for their perseverance |
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"I think it's all about expectations.
Women are supposed to be in huge demand, so it's easy to imagine why some might feel slighted when they get knocked back.
Men, on the other hand, expect that most of their approaches will come to nothing. Bless em for their perseverance "
'Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more' |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think it's all about expectations.
Women are supposed to be in huge demand, so it's easy to imagine why some might feel slighted when they get knocked back.
Men, on the other hand, expect that most of their approaches will come to nothing. Bless em for their perseverance
'Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more' "
Or close the wall up with our single males |
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
the problem is that a lot of women and couples who are looking for single men wait on the mountain to come to them... rather that them to the mountain...
if I was looking for something specific, then surely it would be better to be the "hunter" than the "hunted" so to speak.....
yes it can be flattering to be the "hunted"... but I find that a lot of those people haven't bothered to read about me, and send it spectulatively...
yes... rejection is part of swinging, if you have trouble taking a "no thank you" I don't think it is for you.... |
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"the problem is that a lot of women and couples who are looking for single men wait on the mountain to come to them... rather that them to the mountain...
if I was looking for something specific, then surely it would be better to be the "hunter" than the "hunted" so to speak.....
yes it can be flattering to be the "hunted"... but I find that a lot of those people haven't bothered to read about me, and send it spectulatively...
yes... rejection is part of swinging, if you have trouble taking a "no thank you" I don't think it is for you...."
Thank you to those brave ladies who have sent me messages however...
This was not a look at me or send me a message thread , I have requoted _abio because his line "if I was looking for something specific"
I feel regardless of the zillion trash messages received by a lady this logical approach stands true for all sexes and sexuallities
The best reason so far I have read is the one regarding the males expectations but I don't think it's weighty enough to override the benefits of sending a message |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Some ladies send messages x however it seems they are in a minority why do so few women send initial messages ? As for the title . pure baseless speculation xx"
The more confident use filters and choose who they are interested in I am always amazed at those who only meet from those who offer. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"the problem is that a lot of women and couples who are looking for single men wait on the mountain to come to them... rather that them to the mountain...
if I was looking for something specific, then surely it would be better to be the "hunter" than the "hunted" so to speak.....
yes it can be flattering to be the "hunted"... but I find that a lot of those people haven't bothered to read about me, and send it spectulatively...
yes... rejection is part of swinging, if you have trouble taking a "no thank you" I don't think it is for you...."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's not the going to the mountain thing really. It's more that for single men and couples there's no shortage of good offers and so there's really no need to go 'hunting'.
If it was lots of crap offers then it would be different.
Finding single women is a different matter. The only reason I don't bother with too much searching for them is because it's mostly pointless - there just aren't very many that I'm interested in that are close enough and that don't end up with the 'I have a friend' line. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes women receive quite a bit of mail but if someone's profile caught my eye on the forum I would message and I have done so. Lots of men's profiles are sparse and attraction is a must but usually no face pics so I wouldn't message . However i cannot moan As I rarely have a pic up to cut down mail. |
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"The more confident use filters and choose who they are interested in I am always amazed at those who only meet from those who offer."
Not so, I certainly don't lack confidence, but I still have a list of people as long as my arm I am interested in talking further to/meeting, just from the ones who have approached me, let alone my 'rainy day' hotlist!!!
I am afraid I find browsing utterly tedious, I can never see anyone I'm interested in, and yet all kinds of wonderful people seem to come out of the blue and find me. Oh I'll wink or message if I stumble across someone I like,or compliment an amazing pic, but I prefer to be the pursued anyway, just trips my trigger, haha! |
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By *ohjaneCouple
over a year ago
south staffs |
For me hunting rather that being hunted seems the logical thing to do as my "requirements" are fairly specific.
I don't have a problem with rejection but I could wish that the men who are not interested in meeting me would SAY SO rather than play a waiting game and come up with dodgy excuses when challenged.
(Sadly hunting didn't do me any good with regard to a couple of the lovely guys I asked.)
Jane x
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"For me hunting rather that being hunted seems the logical thing to do as my "requirements" are fairly specific.
I don't have a problem with rejection but I could wish that the men who are not interested in meeting me would SAY SO rather than play a waiting game and come up with dodgy excuses when challenged.
(Sadly hunting didn't do me any good with regard to a couple of the lovely guys I asked.)
Jane x
"
I'll some of this |
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