FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > "I love her/him but...
"I love her/him but...
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...s/he wont have sex with me so that's why I'm here"
Now, I'm a loooong time single (26 years)
but I have been very much in love before and I'd like to ask a very genuine question about this.
I simply can't imagine
1. maintaining my love for someone if our sex life becomes a major, ongoing issue
and
2. having sex with someone else if I'm supposed to be in love.
Surely if you love someone you absolutely wouldn't go looking for sex elsewhere? Isn't that the ultimate betrayal?
Is it a Mars and Venus thing?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I am the same BUT I was in a long relationship where the sex diminished and I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about going elsewhere so I can see both sides. |
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I think the population is divided into two parts those that equate sex with love and those that don't. In order to swing successfully as a couple we both realise that sex doesn't mean that you love someone or not.
I think deception means that you don't love someone, being able to lie daily to a "loved" one would indicate to me that you only thought you loved them. Sex really is only sex and in an honest and open relationship doesn't become an indicator of feelings or a power bargaining chip. |
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and I didn't answer your question 
No if our (hypothetical our) sex life became an ongoing issue that one person refused to discuss or it would make things difficult but can you stop loving someone for that reason? |
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"I think the population is divided into two parts those that equate sex with love and those that don't. In order to swing successfully as a couple we both realise that sex doesn't mean that you love someone or not.
I think deception means that you don't love someone, being able to lie daily to a "loved" one would indicate to me that you only thought you loved them. Sex really is only sex and in an honest and open relationship doesn't become an indicator of feelings or a power bargaining chip."
As usual, an sane and thoughtful response. Thank you.
I'm just struggling to understand why someone would claim to love their partner but screw around without their knowledge and consent.
Maybe I'm getting love a respect mixed up?
If I discovered my love shagging someone else with out my knowledge and consent, I think he'd be in a bit of discomfort for a long time. |
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"The lying that goes with cheating is the ultimate betrayal"
That's my opinion too. Sex is just sex and as difficult as I woudl find to forget it would be the lies and deceit that I would find almost impossible to get past |
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"I am the same BUT I was in a long relationship where the sex diminished and I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about going elsewhere so I can see both sides. "
Ah, the key word with you is 'was'. Your relationship obviously didn't pan out. Would love be enough to keep you together without sex? |
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"It's very easy to be in love with someone and have sex with others.....isn't that what swinging is?"
Absolutely. The healthy way of seeing things. I was referring to admitting to loving someone but still playing away. That's not love is it? |
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"I think the population is divided into two parts those that equate sex with love and those that don't. In order to swing successfully as a couple we both realise that sex doesn't mean that you love someone or not.
I think deception means that you don't love someone, being able to lie daily to a "loved" one would indicate to me that you only thought you loved them. Sex really is only sex and in an honest and open relationship doesn't become an indicator of feelings or a power bargaining chip.
As usual, an sane and thoughtful response. Thank you.
I'm just struggling to understand why someone would claim to love their partner but screw around without their knowledge and consent.
Maybe I'm getting love a respect mixed up?
If I discovered my love shagging someone else with out my knowledge and consent, I think he'd be in a bit of discomfort for a long time."
Thanks Topsy 
I don't understand the screwing around without their knowledge either, that isn't love no matter how they proclaim it from the rooftops, its selfishness.
I know that men and women have medical, hormonal, psychological etc issues which mean that sex is off the cards and that must be difficult and heartbreaking because physical affection is a requirement for humans and is tied up so deeply with self esteem but in an ideal world talking would take place that would allow both people to reach a place where their needs were met. We don't live in an ideal world and you can't legislate for the human condition so we'll all stumble on some of us lucky enough to be able to be open and honest and some of us not.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's very easy to be in love with someone and have sex with others.....isn't that what swinging is?
Absolutely. The healthy way of seeing things. I was referring to admitting to loving someone but still playing away. That's not love is it?"
I don't think it's that easy a question to answer unless you've been in the situation where you have cheated. We can only speculate as to how the cheater feels but we don't really know we only see things from or own perspective |
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
see... if I was in that position you could almost forgive a one night stand on a saturday night in a city centre...
you could blame in on alcohol, or flirting that went to far, the atmosphere, spontaneous
but a swinging site... the fact you have to set it up, then go looking, then talk to people, set up a meet, and actually do it.... that take some thought, is cold, rational, and calculated decision
if you can lie to the person you profess to love more than any other... and make those cold, calculated and rational decisions..... I don't see how those "square up" |
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"see... if I was in that position you could almost forgive a one night stand on a saturday night in a city centre...
you could blame in on alcohol, or flirting that went to far, the atmosphere, spontaneous
but a swinging site... the fact you have to set it up, then go looking, then talk to people, set up a meet, and actually do it.... that take some thought, is cold, rational, and calculated decision
if you can lie to the person you profess to love more than any other... and make those cold, calculated and rational decisions..... I don't see how those "square up""
See, that's it for me too. Professing to love someone and then deliberately cheat is beyond my comprehension.
I'd struggle with the one night stand scenario just as much but at least that's something surmountable although if someone my age is still incapable of controlling their alcohol intake, I'd probably not be with them anyway. |
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"see... if I was in that position you could almost forgive a one night stand on a saturday night in a city centre...
you could blame in on alcohol, or flirting that went to far, the atmosphere, spontaneous
but a swinging site... the fact you have to set it up, then go looking, then talk to people, set up a meet, and actually do it.... that take some thought, is cold, rational, and calculated decision
if you can lie to the person you profess to love more than any other... and make those cold, calculated and rational decisions..... I don't see how those "square up""
Yes it's premeditated.
I'm not about to condemn anyone, cast the first stone etc. Life's hard enough as it is. |
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I think it's a difficult one all round. I was in a relationship that for the last 5 years of the 8, I was celibate. I had no idea why my ex wouldn't have sex with me but because I thought I loved him, I didn't want to look for anything else. However I realised he was playing me and that's when I played away. I ended the relationship not long after that. I can't comment on why someone who is married has a profile on here and meets others and loves sex but says they still love their spouse. All I can say is I have witnessed the fallout when the spouse discovers the profile and that the "cheater" realises what they have to lose, or have lost as may be the case. Could you forgive your husband/wife if you discovered they had been on here for a long time? Is it easier to accept than a long time affair? I'm not sure I could forgive either, but if I loved that person, I also don't think I could give them up. Talk about complicated! Thank god I'm single lol |
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"I think it's a difficult one all round. I was in a relationship that for the last 5 years of the 8, I was celibate. I had no idea why my ex wouldn't have sex with me but because I thought I loved him, I didn't want to look for anything else. However I realised he was playing me and that's when I played away. I ended the relationship not long after that. I can't comment on why someone who is married has a profile on here and meets others and loves sex but says they still love their spouse. All I can say is I have witnessed the fallout when the spouse discovers the profile and that the "cheater" realises what they have to lose, or have lost as may be the case. Could you forgive your husband/wife if you discovered they had been on here for a long time? Is it easier to accept than a long time affair? I'm not sure I could forgive either, but if I loved that person, I also don't think I could give them up. Talk about complicated! Thank god I'm single lol "
Yes, where emotions are concerned nothing is straighforward, complicated is the right word I'd say |
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By *iewMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Angus & Findhorn |
they have their needs and will do anything to satisfy them.
and they justify it to themselves as okay.
hey, their choice.
the bleating is often stomach churning though.... |
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"I think it's a difficult one all round. I was in a relationship that for the last 5 years of the 8, I was celibate. I had no idea why my ex wouldn't have sex with me but because I thought I loved him, I didn't want to look for anything else. However I realised he was playing me and that's when I played away. I ended the relationship not long after that. I can't comment on why someone who is married has a profile on here and meets others and loves sex but says they still love their spouse. All I can say is I have witnessed the fallout when the spouse discovers the profile and that the "cheater" realises what they have to lose, or have lost as may be the case. Could you forgive your husband/wife if you discovered they had been on here for a long time? Is it easier to accept than a long time affair? I'm not sure I could forgive either, but if I loved that person, I also don't think I could give them up. Talk about complicated! Thank god I'm single lol
Yes, where emotions are concerned nothing is straighforward, complicated is the right word I'd say "
The really strange thing is, that when I found out my ex husband had been talking to someone on the net (many years ago) and was planning on meeting her I was curious more than anything. I wasn't jealous in any way. What was odd, was that although he didn't want me any more, he got jealous if I said I was seeing someone!!!! Most peculiar!  |
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"I think it's a difficult one all round. I was in a relationship that for the last 5 years of the 8, I was celibate. I had no idea why my ex wouldn't have sex with me but because I thought I loved him, I didn't want to look for anything else. However I realised he was playing me and that's when I played away. I ended the relationship not long after that. I can't comment on why someone who is married has a profile on here and meets others and loves sex but says they still love their spouse. All I can say is I have witnessed the fallout when the spouse discovers the profile and that the "cheater" realises what they have to lose, or have lost as may be the case. Could you forgive your husband/wife if you discovered they had been on here for a long time? Is it easier to accept than a long time affair? I'm not sure I could forgive either, but if I loved that person, I also don't think I could give them up. Talk about complicated! Thank god I'm single lol
Yes, where emotions are concerned nothing is straighforward, complicated is the right word I'd say
The really strange thing is, that when I found out my ex husband had been talking to someone on the net (many years ago) and was planning on meeting her I was curious more than anything. I wasn't jealous in any way. What was odd, was that although he didn't want me any more, he got jealous if I said I was seeing someone!!!! Most peculiar! "
Like a kid with a toy, they don't want it but they don't want anyone else to have it either  |
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"I think it's a difficult one all round. I was in a relationship that for the last 5 years of the 8, I was celibate. I had no idea why my ex wouldn't have sex with me but because I thought I loved him, I didn't want to look for anything else. However I realised he was playing me and that's when I played away. I ended the relationship not long after that. I can't comment on why someone who is married has a profile on here and meets others and loves sex but says they still love their spouse. All I can say is I have witnessed the fallout when the spouse discovers the profile and that the "cheater" realises what they have to lose, or have lost as may be the case. Could you forgive your husband/wife if you discovered they had been on here for a long time? Is it easier to accept than a long time affair? I'm not sure I could forgive either, but if I loved that person, I also don't think I could give them up. Talk about complicated! Thank god I'm single lol
Yes, where emotions are concerned nothing is straighforward, complicated is the right word I'd say
The really strange thing is, that when I found out my ex husband had been talking to someone on the net (many years ago) and was planning on meeting her I was curious more than anything. I wasn't jealous in any way. What was odd, was that although he didn't want me any more, he got jealous if I said I was seeing someone!!!! Most peculiar!
Like a kid with a toy, they don't want it but they don't want anyone else to have it either "
Exactly lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I finally found the courage to end a 10 year relationship last year. Was as good as celibate for probably the last 4. I told him it wasn't normal but he didn't seem to think there was anything wrong. I'm not a cheater but came damn close and that's when i ended it. |
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"I finally found the courage to end a 10 year relationship last year. Was as good as celibate for probably the last 4. I told him it wasn't normal but he didn't seem to think there was anything wrong. I'm not a cheater but came damn close and that's when i ended it. "
I had had the same conversation with my ex. Said it was all or nothing. He agreed to try again but the outcome of that was me being accused of attempted rape one night!!! Needless to say, that was the final straw and it was bye bye. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think the population is divided into two parts those that equate sex with love and those that don't. In order to swing successfully as a couple we both realise that sex doesn't mean that you love someone or not.
I think deception means that you don't love someone, being able to lie daily to a "loved" one would indicate to me that you only thought you loved them. Sex really is only sex and in an honest and open relationship doesn't become an indicator of feelings or a power bargaining chip."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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To me sex isn't love.
Granted I have a level of intimacy with Mr D that I have with nobody else but this is 99% a mental/emotional connection.
Sex is merely the joining of bodily organs to gratify each other. Look at it another way, surely this would mean you would have to love every person you had sex because you can't have sex without love?
I hold the love for my husband as the single most important thing in my life, without him Im lost. But he can put his penis in any vagina he wants it will never diminish us. |
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Monogamy = only being with one ( love & sex)
Consensual non monogamy = loving one but having sex with others that everyone knows
Polyamory = being able to have multiple loving relationships , with or without sex involved
Slut = having multiple sex partners
Ethical slut = having multiple sex partners but everyone involved knows & consents
Ethical poly slut =having multiple sex partners & lovers but everyone involved knows & consents
Is what I believe. Main thing, consent. If there's someone involved that hasn't given their consent or has no knowledge, the version of love being applied I'd question |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"see... if I was in that position you could almost forgive a one night stand on a saturday night in a city centre...
you could blame in on alcohol, or flirting that went to far, the atmosphere, spontaneous
but a swinging site... the fact you have to set it up, then go looking, then talk to people, set up a meet, and actually do it.... that take some thought, is cold, rational, and calculated decision
if you can lie to the person you profess to love more than any other... and make those cold, calculated and rational decisions..... I don't see how those "square up""
Very well said. Although I would really struggle to deal with a one night stand also and it would likely lead to him being marched to the clinic and some time in the dog house I could get past it if he was truely sorry. The planning and the forming of a relationship with someone over time, even if it is only a few days of messaging, would make me feel truly betrayed.
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"To me sex isn't love.
Granted I have a level of intimacy with Mr D that I have with nobody else but this is 99% a mental/emotional connection.
Sex is merely the joining of bodily organs to gratify each other. Look at it another way, surely this would mean you would have to love every person you had sex because you can't have sex without love?
I hold the love for my husband as the single most important thing in my life, without him Im lost. But he can put his penis in any vagina he wants it will never diminish us."
That's not my point. Of course sex isn't love but I don't understand those that say they love their partners but lie and cheat. How can THAT be love? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To me sex isn't love.
Granted I have a level of intimacy with Mr D that I have with nobody else but this is 99% a mental/emotional connection.
Sex is merely the joining of bodily organs to gratify each other. Look at it another way, surely this would mean you would have to love every person you had sex because you can't have sex without love?
I hold the love for my husband as the single most important thing in my life, without him Im lost. But he can put his penis in any vagina he wants it will never diminish us.
That's not my point. Of course sex isn't love but I don't understand those that say they love their partners but lie and cheat. How can THAT be love?"
Ah no, agreed that's not love....sorry original posting wasn't 100%clear. I never read replies until after to avoid my opinion being swayed.
Can see now you clarified later.... |
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"To me sex isn't love.
Granted I have a level of intimacy with Mr D that I have with nobody else but this is 99% a mental/emotional connection.
Sex is merely the joining of bodily organs to gratify each other. Look at it another way, surely this would mean you would have to love every person you had sex because you can't have sex without love?
I hold the love for my husband as the single most important thing in my life, without him Im lost. But he can put his penis in any vagina he wants it will never diminish us.
That's not my point. Of course sex isn't love but I don't understand those that say they love their partners but lie and cheat. How can THAT be love?"
It is love but it's love of oneself before the other person in ones life. This is where it gets difficult though because it could be argued that the person who won't/can't have sex for whatever reason is putting their needs above their partners. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My wife had a traumatic experience and as a result she no longer feels able to have sex, even though physically she can.
So, choices:
Leave her so I can find someone to have sex with and not be a cheat. This would mean I would lose my marriage and the women I love.
Threaten to leave her if she doesn't have sex with me. Result, she would hate me and I'd lose her love and very possibly my marriage.
Give up sex and end up resenting her for it (yes I know it's not her fault).
Cheat and run the risk of her finding out, I'd lose her love and my marriage.
Not great choices; and whilst its obvious the path I've chosen, I'm not seeking to justify it and I will inevitably pay the consequences; the only thing I would add in my defence is that I feel more is control having chosen this option. |
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"My wife had a traumatic experience and as a result she no longer feels able to have sex, even though physically she can.
So, choices:
Leave her so I can find someone to have sex with and not be a cheat. This would mean I would lose my marriage and the women I love.
Threaten to leave her if she doesn't have sex with me. Result, she would hate me and I'd lose her love and very possibly my marriage.
Give up sex and end up resenting her for it (yes I know it's not her fault).
Cheat and run the risk of her finding out, I'd lose her love and my marriage.
Not great choices; and whilst its obvious the path I've chosen, I'm not seeking to justify it and I will inevitably pay the consequences; the only thing I would add in my defence is that I feel more is control having chosen this option."
Just consider the impact on her if she were to see your profile on here. No matter how careful you are, there can be external influences that will lie in wait and trip you up when you least expect it, causing untold damage and hurt. As I have been known to say in previous posts, every one has their reasons for being on here and none should judge but I have seen exactly what the consequences are when the above scenario happened. |
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"My wife had a traumatic experience and as a result she no longer feels able to have sex, even though physically she can.
So, choices:
Leave her so I can find someone to have sex with and not be a cheat. This would mean I would lose my marriage and the women I love.
Threaten to leave her if she doesn't have sex with me. Result, she would hate me and I'd lose her love and very possibly my marriage.
Give up sex and end up resenting her for it (yes I know it's not her fault).
Cheat and run the risk of her finding out, I'd lose her love and my marriage.
Not great choices; and whilst its obvious the path I've chosen, I'm not seeking to justify it and I will inevitably pay the consequences; the only thing I would add in my defence is that I feel more is control having chosen this option."
This is what I'm trying to understand. I am in no way judging what you do, all I'm trying to understand is if you love her (and you say you do) how are you able to cheat?
You talk about accepting the consequences and how you could feel resentful of her but what about how she would feel? Isn't love NOT doing this to someone?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My wife had a traumatic experience and as a result she no longer feels able to have sex, even though physically she can.
So, choices:
Leave her so I can find someone to have sex with and not be a cheat. This would mean I would lose my marriage and the women I love.
Threaten to leave her if she doesn't have sex with me. Result, she would hate me and I'd lose her love and very possibly my marriage.
Give up sex and end up resenting her for it (yes I know it's not her fault).
Cheat and run the risk of her finding out, I'd lose her love and my marriage.
Not great choices; and whilst its obvious the path I've chosen, I'm not seeking to justify it and I will inevitably pay the consequences; the only thing I would add in my defence is that I feel more is control having chosen this option."
You don't mention the (in my eyes) obvious choice. Sit down with her, discuss the situation and see if she would actually give you permission to seek sex outside of your marriage, safe in the knowledge that you are only seeking the physical act. Is it not an option you have thought about? As for the threatening to leave her option - I'm not really sure how you can justify even giving that the momentary thought that you did when you formed this list? |
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By *nlyfun3Woman
over a year ago
NEAR Berkhamsted,Herts |
i think this is a personnal choice. i am a married woman who has one of the said profiles on here and my husband doesnt know. what goes on between a husband and wife is individual and each situation differs. i dont ask any1 to understand my situation or condem me for it either. if you do not like what i do you are entitled to an opinion. but as you dont know me you cannot truely form a true opinion. i have my reasons and no one should feel the need to justify them to any1. no one on here should be judge and jury for anyone but themselves |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My wife had a traumatic experience and as a result she no longer feels able to have sex, even though physically she can.
So, choices:
Leave her so I can find someone to have sex with and not be a cheat. This would mean I would lose my marriage and the women I love.
Threaten to leave her if she doesn't have sex with me. Result, she would hate me and I'd lose her love and very possibly my marriage.
Give up sex and end up resenting her for it (yes I know it's not her fault).
Cheat and run the risk of her finding out, I'd lose her love and my marriage.
Not great choices; and whilst its obvious the path I've chosen, I'm not seeking to justify it and I will inevitably pay the consequences; the only thing I would add in my defence is that I feel more is control having chosen this option.
You don't mention the (in my eyes) obvious choice. Sit down with her, discuss the situation and see if she would actually give you permission to seek sex outside of your marriage, safe in the knowledge that you are only seeking the physical act. Is it not an option you have thought about? As for the threatening to leave her option - I'm not really sure how you can justify even giving that the momentary thought that you did when you formed this list?"
I was just about to say the same thing! |
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By *iewMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Angus & Findhorn |
"i think this is a personnal choice. i am a married woman who has one of the said profiles on here and my husband doesnt know. what goes on between a husband and wife is individual and each situation differs. i dont ask any1 to understand my situation or condem me for it either. if you do not like what i do you are entitled to an opinion. but as you dont know me you cannot truely form a true opinion. i have my reasons and no one should feel the need to justify them to any1. no one on here should be judge and jury for anyone but themselves"
but many ask for opinions, then when people give them and they are against.... people jump up and down squealing 'don't judge me, don't judge me'
if they don't want opinions, don't ask. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"see... if I was in that position you could almost forgive a one night stand on a saturday night in a city centre...
you could blame in on alcohol, or flirting that went to far, the atmosphere, spontaneous
but a swinging site... the fact you have to set it up, then go looking, then talk to people, set up a meet, and actually do it.... that take some thought, is cold, rational, and calculated decision
if you can lie to the person you profess to love more than any other... and make those cold, calculated and rational decisions..... I don't see how those "square up""
That's exactly how I see it too. I wouldn't say I'd give him a big High 5 if he had a random one night stand... but I could maybe forgive it. Actively seeking women to cheat with would be unforgivable to me. It takes a certain kind of person to do that to someone they are supposed to love (and I have no interest in anyones 'woe is me, im the victim' sob story) - and that's not the kind of person im interested in being with - either in a relationship or just for a meet. |
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By *nlyfun3Woman
over a year ago
NEAR Berkhamsted,Herts |
"i think this is a personnal choice. i am a married woman who has one of the said profiles on here and my husband doesnt know. what goes on between a husband and wife is individual and each situation differs. i dont ask any1 to understand my situation or condem me for it either. if you do not like what i do you are entitled to an opinion. but as you dont know me you cannot truely form a true opinion. i have my reasons and no one should feel the need to justify them to any1. no one on here should be judge and jury for anyone but themselves
but many ask for opinions, then when people give them and they are against.... people jump up and down squealing 'don't judge me, don't judge me'
if they don't want opinions, don't ask. "
im not asking for anyones opinions though lol. im just making a statement |
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By *iewMan
over a year ago
Forum Mod Angus & Findhorn |
"i think this is a personnal choice. i am a married woman who has one of the said profiles on here and my husband doesnt know. what goes on between a husband and wife is individual and each situation differs. i dont ask any1 to understand my situation or condem me for it either. if you do not like what i do you are entitled to an opinion. but as you dont know me you cannot truely form a true opinion. i have my reasons and no one should feel the need to justify them to any1. no one on here should be judge and jury for anyone but themselves
but many ask for opinions, then when people give them and they are against.... people jump up and down squealing 'don't judge me, don't judge me'
if they don't want opinions, don't ask.
im not asking for anyones opinions though lol. im just making a statement"
I was speaking in general terms |
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By *nlyfun3Woman
over a year ago
NEAR Berkhamsted,Herts |
"i think this is a personnal choice. i am a married woman who has one of the said profiles on here and my husband doesnt know. what goes on between a husband and wife is individual and each situation differs. i dont ask any1 to understand my situation or condem me for it either. if you do not like what i do you are entitled to an opinion. but as you dont know me you cannot truely form a true opinion. i have my reasons and no one should feel the need to justify them to any1. no one on here should be judge and jury for anyone but themselves
but many ask for opinions, then when people give them and they are against.... people jump up and down squealing 'don't judge me, don't judge me'
if they don't want opinions, don't ask.
im not asking for anyones opinions though lol. im just making a statement
I was speaking in general terms"
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"i think this is a personnal choice. i am a married woman who has one of the said profiles on here and my husband doesnt know. what goes on between a husband and wife is individual and each situation differs. i dont ask any1 to understand my situation or condem me for it either. if you do not like what i do you are entitled to an opinion. but as you dont know me you cannot truely form a true opinion. i have my reasons and no one should feel the need to justify them to any1. no one on here should be judge and jury for anyone but themselves"
Maybe I've not made my question clear enough. I'm not talking about the rights and wrongs of cheating, I'm asking if said cheater states they love their partner, how could they still cheat?
I'm not talking about couples who have no choice to stay together, I want to discuss those that claim to love but still cheat.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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From talking to friends in this situation....
Life is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Sex is (for example) an hour.
They love their partner for the absolute majority of that time. They are there for them, pay the bills, do the chores, support each other, do whatever couples do.
Sex is a very small part of their whole life. They love their partner and stay with them for the majority of that time.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i think this is a personnal choice. i am a married woman who has one of the said profiles on here and my husband doesnt know. what goes on between a husband and wife is individual and each situation differs. i dont ask any1 to understand my situation or condem me for it either. if you do not like what i do you are entitled to an opinion. but as you dont know me you cannot truely form a true opinion. i have my reasons and no one should feel the need to justify them to any1. no one on here should be judge and jury for anyone but themselves
Maybe I've not made my question clear enough. I'm not talking about the rights and wrongs of cheating, I'm asking if said cheater states they love their partner, how could they still cheat?
I'm not talking about couples who have no choice to stay together, I want to discuss those that claim to love but still cheat.
"
as someone said earlier sex has nothing to do with love. He/she can love and want sex with someone else |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I am the same BUT I was in a long relationship where the sex diminished and I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about going elsewhere so I can see both sides. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"...s/he wont have sex with me so that's why I'm here"
Now, I'm a loooong time single (26 years)
but I have been very much in love before and I'd like to ask a very genuine question about this.
I simply can't imagine
1. maintaining my love for someone if our sex life becomes a major, ongoing issue
and
2. having sex with someone else if I'm supposed to be in love.
Surely if you love someone you absolutely wouldn't go looking for sex elsewhere? Isn't that the ultimate betrayal?
Is it a Mars and Venus thing?
"
My reply to no 2 is no. of wouldn't be here but I am do
so bring it on |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"...s/he wont have sex with me so that's why I'm here"
Now, I'm a loooong time single (26 years)
but I have been very much in love before and I'd like to ask a very genuine question about this.
I simply can't imagine
1. maintaining my love for someone if our sex life becomes a major, ongoing issue
and
2. having sex with someone else if I'm supposed to be in love.
Surely if you love someone you absolutely wouldn't go looking for sex elsewhere? Isn't that the ultimate betrayal?
Is it a Mars and Venus thing?
My reply to no 2 is no. of wouldn't be here but I am do
so bring it on "
"I" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My wife had a traumatic experience and as a result she no longer feels able to have sex, even though physically she can.
So, choices:
Leave her so I can find someone to have sex with and not be a cheat. This would mean I would lose my marriage and the women I love.
Threaten to leave her if she doesn't have sex with me. Result, she would hate me and I'd lose her love and very possibly my marriage.
Give up sex and end up resenting her for it (yes I know it's not her fault).
Cheat and run the risk of her finding out, I'd lose her love and my marriage.
Not great choices; and whilst its obvious the path I've chosen, I'm not seeking to justify it and I will inevitably pay the consequences; the only thing I would add in my defence is that I feel more is control having chosen this option.
You don't mention the (in my eyes) obvious choice. Sit down with her, discuss the situation and see if she would actually give you permission to seek sex outside of your marriage, safe in the knowledge that you are only seeking the physical act. Is it not an option you have thought about? As for the threatening to leave her option - I'm not really sure how you can justify even giving that the momentary thought that you did when you formed this list?"
I didn't mention it but we have done that; I was asked to continue to be patient - 4 years and counting.
Yeh, the leaving comment was momentary as I'd never consider it - it came from a comment from another tread about cheating; it suggested that the guy should be honest and leave his wife and not cheat.
As for the love thing (mentioned by someone else) - yes I truly love my wife, sex isn't the be-all and end-all but with it comes closeness, a feeling of being wanted and a warmth that is hard to find elsewhere. I know my wife loves me too but at my lowest moments I have questioned that love as she knows I'm lonely and that I miss the closeness but all that is offered is a request to be patient.
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"i think this is a personnal choice. i am a married woman who has one of the said profiles on here and my husband doesnt know. what goes on between a husband and wife is individual and each situation differs. i dont ask any1 to understand my situation or condem me for it either. if you do not like what i do you are entitled to an opinion. but as you dont know me you cannot truely form a true opinion. i have my reasons and no one should feel the need to justify them to any1. no one on here should be judge and jury for anyone but themselves
Maybe I've not made my question clear enough. I'm not talking about the rights and wrongs of cheating, I'm asking if said cheater states they love their partner, how could they still cheat?
I'm not talking about couples who have no choice to stay together, I want to discuss those that claim to love but still cheat.
as someone said earlier sex has nothing to do with love. He/she can love and want sex with someone else"
...and I'm asking, if they are so in love with someone, why to they betray them by lying and cheating. THAT is not love. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"i think this is a personnal choice. i am a married woman who has one of the said profiles on here and my husband doesnt know. what goes on between a husband and wife is individual and each situation differs. i dont ask any1 to understand my situation or condem me for it either. if you do not like what i do you are entitled to an opinion. but as you dont know me you cannot truely form a true opinion. i have my reasons and no one should feel the need to justify them to any1. no one on here should be judge and jury for anyone but themselves
Maybe I've not made my question clear enough. I'm not talking about the rights and wrongs of cheating, I'm asking if said cheater states they love their partner, how could they still cheat?
I'm not talking about couples who have no choice to stay together, I want to discuss those that claim to love but still cheat.
as someone said earlier sex has nothing to do with love. He/she can love and want sex with someone else
...and I'm asking, if they are so in love with someone, why to they betray them by lying and cheating. THAT is not love."
but it is love if the other person says ok lets both have sex with other people? Why us it love for swinging couples who give permission for partners to have sex with someone else but not love if they won't? |
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"i think this is a personnal choice. i am a married woman who has one of the said profiles on here and my husband doesnt know. what goes on between a husband and wife is individual and each situation differs. i dont ask any1 to understand my situation or condem me for it either. if you do not like what i do you are entitled to an opinion. but as you dont know me you cannot truely form a true opinion. i have my reasons and no one should feel the need to justify them to any1. no one on here should be judge and jury for anyone but themselves
Maybe I've not made my question clear enough. I'm not talking about the rights and wrongs of cheating, I'm asking if said cheater states they love their partner, how could they still cheat?
I'm not talking about couples who have no choice to stay together, I want to discuss those that claim to love but still cheat.
as someone said earlier sex has nothing to do with love. He/she can love and want sex with someone else
...and I'm asking, if they are so in love with someone, why to they betray them by lying and cheating. THAT is not love.
but it is love if the other person says ok lets both have sex with other people? Why us it love for swinging couples who give permission for partners to have sex with someone else but not love if they won't? "
You've answered your own question there.
I'm not talking about permission or not, I'm not even talking about swinging, I'm asking how someone who claims to be madly in love with someone can cheat. That's not love.
If I were in love with someone, cheating on them would show me quite clearly that actually, I wasn't in love with them. If they did it to me, I would be devastated.
Giving each other permission to have sex with someone is not what I'm asking, permission is not cheating. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What happens in these theoretical, hypothetical situations is gross oversimplification. We are talking about extreme human emotion and that is hard to quantify. If whether someone loves someone or not is based upon fidelity in the bedroom the deck is stacked against everyone.Relationships change over time and physical and psychological states change as well. Human beings are HARD WIRED for sex. It is the most powerful impulse short of self preservation. It is not some Theoretical postulate. No one can truely understand this unless they have experienced it, and that only by depth of experience.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Imagine if sexual monogamy was not considered to be the ultimate measure of love?
Then individuals could have sex with others without being "unfaithful", "cheating" and "betraying". Why is it still so important even on a Swingers site? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you say its betrayal and cheating to come onto fab once in a while so that you can get your conjical rights says to me that you are a caring person but you obviously deeply miss sex , and to trawl thro fab pages loking for a lover must be a daunting task for someone who has gone so long without, theres less chance that youll get caught on here as there would be on a one nite stand , meening theres less chance your partner finding out and being hurt.why should you give up sex for someone whos not even prepared to discuss such a major issue.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Imagine if sexual monogamy was not considered to be the ultimate measure of love?
Then individuals could have sex with others without being "unfaithful", "cheating" and "betraying". Why is it still so important even on a Swingers site?"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If it's possible to have sex without love , the cheater is using this as the reason for having sex outside the loving relationship .
Simple really , they don't have love for the person they have sex with , because they love their partner .
The ops point is , if I understand correctly , that the said cheater cannot love their partner if they cheat .
Perhaps they feel they can as they have no love for the person they shag ?
Just to put my personal perspective on it though , if I or my wife cheated on each other , we would be mortified , and feel the cheater can't of loved the other as much as we thought !
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"Imagine if sexual monogamy was not considered to be the ultimate measure of love?
Then individuals could have sex with others without being "unfaithful", "cheating" and "betraying". Why is it still so important even on a Swingers site?"
Because monogamy is what we have been conditioned by society and religion to expect, therefore when we enter a relationship we assume it will be exclusive unless discussed otherwise. However we also expect a relationship to be sexual unless discussed otherwise too, so what's to be done?
I agree that if monogamy wasn't the expectation there wouldn't be a problem but if sex wasn't an expectation there wouldn't be a problem either. So back to where it started two people not giving each other what they need. |
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"If it's possible to have sex without love , the cheater is using this as the reason for having sex outside the loving relationship .
Simple really , they don't have love for the person they have sex with , because they love their partner .
The ops point is , if I understand correctly , that the said cheater cannot love their partner if they cheat .
Perhaps they feel they can as they have no love for the person they shag ?
Just to put my personal perspective on it though , if I or my wife cheated on each other , we would be mortified , and feel the cheater can't of loved the other as much as we thought !
"
I think generally there are two different types, which is why one side can't understand the other
One type can totally dissociate sex from love, they feel they genuinely love their partner but have no feeling sex elsewhere, i.e. not an affair with an emotional attachment just sex
The other type feel love and sex are intertwined and sex with other people is impossible whilst still loving your partner
These two types are genuinely different and I don't think each side trying to argue their point of these fora is ever going to convince the other, they genuinely seem to emotionally different
The key really is make sure if you do get a partner you make sure your partner is of the same type as you otherwise it's only ever going to go wrong! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Imagine if sexual monogamy was not considered to be the ultimate measure of love?
Then individuals could have sex with others without being "unfaithful", "cheating" and "betraying". Why is it still so important even on a Swingers site?"
This is us, sexual monogamy is meaningless in our relationship.
Therefore my husband cannot betray me with sex, nor me him.
The measure of our love is the kinship, respect, laughter, compromise, sharing, walking lifes path 'us against the world'.....as well as all the little things we do for each other that we would not do for anyone else. Where he chooses to put his cock has no impact on any of these things. |
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So much to consider in this thread thank you.
This was a genuine question from me because although I was married for a very short time in my early twenties, since them I've been single.
Thanks for all the input so far. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's nonsense that sex and feelings are separate. We are biologically programmed to need to love to be able to have the long bond that is needed with human's long childhood nurturing stage. Having sex with someone on a regular basis creates a bond that is meant to result in increases survival rates of offspring.
If we select our swinging partners based on attractiveness and abilty to get along with.. These are the same qualities we look for in a partner.
How many status updates do you see of 'cant wait for someone very special to get here' etc etc.. Most people who swing will eventually have to deal with developing feelings eventually, we are not machines but complicated creature and you can't turn off natural impulses that took millions of years to evolve.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Most common scenario in swinging, husband and wife bored of each other. Man wants to sleep with someone else, encourages wife to explore bi feelings so he gets chance to get another female in bedroom. Single female elusive so they decide on meeting a couple. They enjoy the build up and excitement but the actual meet is a let down.. Now we have a problem the line has been crossed and until that perfect meet is found they keep going and going until they feel they have found something that was worth shattering a previously faithful relationship for. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"...s/he wont have sex with me so that's why I'm here"
Now, I'm a loooong time single (26 years)
but I have been very much in love before and I'd like to ask a very genuine question about this.
I simply can't imagine
1. maintaining my love for someone if our sex life becomes a major, ongoing issue
and
2. having sex with someone else if I'm supposed to be in love.
Surely if you love someone you absolutely wouldn't go looking for sex elsewhere? Isn't that the ultimate betrayal?
Is it a Mars and Venus thing?
"
why bring either of us into it? lol
i went off sex towards the end of my last marriage.
she went and got it somewhere else.
sometimes i wish she was mature enough to ask me if there were any problems (depression following redundancy right at the start of the recession). have only recently found out she thought i was having sex with other people and didnt want it with her.
whilst i was single, i wasnt interested in sex.
not the one night stand thing, not the new relationship thing, nothing.
since being with V my sex drive is back.
she has a high sex drive, and says its important to her.
i dont, and it isnt that important to me.
i have gone without it for over 12 months before she came along, and feel i wouldnt miss it if it were gone tomorrow.
i just like spending time with her.
i love her very deeply.
companionship to me means more than sex.
she may well be a different animal, but she has always said she wouldnt look anywhere else for it if my sex drive went (although, tbh i think she would be the kind of person to ask and help me through the underlying problems of a lack of interest in sex, rather than just go elsewhere) |
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
"...s/he wont have sex with me so that's why I'm here"
Now, I'm a loooong time single (26 years)
but I have been very much in love before and I'd like to ask a very genuine question about this.
I simply can't imagine
1. maintaining my love for someone if our sex life becomes a major, ongoing issue
and
2. having sex with someone else if I'm supposed to be in love.
Surely if you love someone you absolutely wouldn't go looking for sex elsewhere? Isn't that the ultimate betrayal?
Is it a Mars and Venus thing?
why bring either of us into it? lol
i went off sex towards the end of my last marriage.
she went and got it somewhere else.
sometimes i wish she was mature enough to ask me if there were any problems (depression following redundancy right at the start of the recession). have only recently found out she thought i was having sex with other people and didnt want it with her.
whilst i was single, i wasnt interested in sex.
not the one night stand thing, not the new relationship thing, nothing.
since being with V my sex drive is back.
she has a high sex drive, and says its important to her.
i dont, and it isnt that important to me.
i have gone without it for over 12 months before she came along, and feel i wouldnt miss it if it were gone tomorrow.
i just like spending time with her.
i love her very deeply.
companionship to me means more than sex.
she may well be a different animal, but she has always said she wouldnt look anywhere else for it if my sex drive went (although, tbh i think she would be the kind of person to ask and help me through the underlying problems of a lack of interest in sex, rather than just go elsewhere)"
which is why we always go back to the premeditated choice of using a swinging site....... cold, and calculated..
but doing that and not telling the partner you are in effect taken the decision out of their hands as to accept in and be in a position to do this guilt free.....
but we know the reason why they dont ask... because they know what the answer would be... simple as that
give away the game by even letting the other person know they are thinking about doing it... and they know the consequence of what would happen if they got caught.....
that and the think they are bulletproof.. or they are in fact "different" to the person next to them who is doing the same thing..... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Imagine if sexual monogamy was not considered to be the ultimate measure of love?
Then individuals could have sex with others without being "unfaithful", "cheating" and "betraying". Why is it still so important even on a Swingers site?
Because monogamy is what we have been conditioned by society and religion to expect, therefore when we enter a relationship we assume it will be exclusive unless discussed otherwise. However we also expect a relationship to be sexual unless discussed otherwise too, so what's to be done?
I agree that if monogamy wasn't the expectation there wouldn't be a problem but if sex wasn't an expectation there wouldn't be a problem either. So back to where it started two people not giving each other what they need."
Well put. Sex should not be forced on a person and should not be withheld. If a marriage is sexually unbalanced but otherwise good then sex should be supplemented outside the marriage. Bugger this religion and social conditioning!!!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The above shows that communication is what counts in a relationship. Without it nothing can be resolved."
not only resolved, but small problems can quickly escalate into life changing situations. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Basically. Nobody likes a liar. "
have always said, give me a thief over a liar any day.
you know where you stand with a thief.
whereas, with a liar, you never know where you are. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Most common scenario in swinging, husband and wife bored of each other. Man wants to sleep with someone else, encourages wife to explore bi feelings so he gets chance to get another female in bedroom. Single female elusive so they decide on meeting a couple. They enjoy the build up and excitement but the actual meet is a let down.. Now we have a problem the line has been crossed and until that perfect meet is found they keep going and going until they feel they have found something that was worth shattering a previously faithful relationship for."
Sure you might be right for some but not sure most couples are bored of each other, don't assume to know what's in everyones hearts from a few casual encounters. I've met people who seem to fit the mould of what you describe but they're in a minority.
I discussed monogamy before I even married my husband, it doesn't work for me. Had he wanted fidelity I would have ended the relationship. Not all women are controlled and guided by their partners.
Thankfully we're of like mind so we pursue others for sex (together and alone) as well as having each other and have done for 14 years.
We definitely are not bored of each other mentally or physically and I've met many couples with a similar zest for life and each other.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When people say that this is just a bit of extra excitement.. Surely they have not found true love with their partner if that love does not deliver completely and leaves either partner wanting more. Real love is mind, body and soul. When I have been in love it takes over all the feelings of desire so your focus is just on that person. I am sure I am like a lot of guys in that there is no way I would share my partner! But am happy to share someone else's |
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"When people say that this is just a bit of extra excitement.. Surely they have not found true love with their partner if that love does not deliver completely and leaves either partner wanting more. Real love is mind, body and soul. When I have been in love it takes over all the feelings of desire so your focus is just on that person. I am sure I am like a lot of guys in that there is no way I would share my partner! But am happy to share someone else's "
but it isn't a question of men sharing women. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When people say that this is just a bit of extra excitement.. Surely they have not found true love with their partner if that love does not deliver completely and leaves either partner wanting more. Real love is mind, body and soul. When I have been in love it takes over all the dwellings of desire so your focus is just on that person. I am sure I am like a lot of guys in that there is no way I would share my partner! But am happy to share someone else's "
So when you share their partner you do so with the assumption that they don't really love each other?
My husband is my entire world, his penis is just a body part, my vagina is just a body part.
His mind, soul and his heart are mine forever.
I hope you find a love all-encompasing one day. I have. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Most common scenario in swinging, husband and wife bored of each other. Man wants to sleep with someone else, encourages wife to explore bi feelings so he gets chance to get another female in bedroom. Single female elusive so they decide on meeting a couple. They enjoy the build up and excitement but the actual meet is a let down.. Now we have a problem the line has been crossed and until that perfect meet is found they keep going and going until they feel they have found something that was worth shattering a previously faithful relationship for."
Oh see I think you may have offended a great many couples on here.... This scenario may happen but not for most couples... And you can spot the coerced couples a mile off..
And because a couple swings it doesn't make them unfaithful. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When people say that this is just a bit of extra excitement.. Surely they have not found true love with their partner if that love does not deliver completely and leaves either partner wanting more. Real love is mind, body and soul. When I have been in love it takes over all the feelings of desire so your focus is just on that person. I am sure I am like a lot of guys in that there is no way I would share my partner! But am happy to share someone else's "
These debates always make me wonder how people signed up to a swinging website with no comprehension of what it's really about.
You talk about 'real love' and yet according to your definition must not have it. So really you talk only of an imagined feeling. |
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By *r-UniqueMan
over a year ago
Carmarthenshire |
Love means you'll do anything for that person. Sacrifice anything to make them happy. So if someone is disabled later on in life. If you leave them because they couldn't sleep with you. It shows you didn't love them as much as you claimed. |
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eh ...i dont get the disabled thing at all ...me and my fella have been through so much shit together it aint true and trying to tell him recently that it looks like i have multiple sclerosis just couldnt fall off my lips ! |
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By *r-UniqueMan
over a year ago
Carmarthenshire |
"eh ...i dont get the disabled thing at all ...me and my fella have been through so much shit together it aint true and trying to tell him recently that it looks like i have multiple sclerosis just couldnt fall off my lips ! "
I basically meant if 2 people were devoted to each other only and one day the husband came in and says I have had an accident, which has resulted in me having no feeling in that area whatsoever and there's nothing doctors can do as surgery/tablets, etc don't work and then not long after the woman leaves him for someone else. That shows love isn't as strong as they first thought. |
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So to the people who make such sweeping generalised statements about people who cheat for whatever reason, are you also genarally smug about other things in life too? Such luxury that you must have in never having been in the position that I and many other people on this site are on. Sex is important but so are other parts of a relationship too. Sex lives/ drives can deteriorate for many reasons/ years to the point where one partner has to act alone either because they gave up trying to encourage their respective partner that either no sex or extremely vanilla sex is not enough. So before you judge every cheater, please remember that there are grey areas in sexuality too. It then comes down to how desperate you feel and the risks involved. Sex & love obviously can be interlinked but can also stand separately. Yes I am not proud of the fact that I am cheating but I also know that if I neglect my sexuality longer than I already have (20years) I will become demented! |
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till you have been there mate there is no point chatting to them ...these are life changing things that people have no idea about ....drop these random ...i would still be there if it happened to me comments in the room . .before flicking eastenders on ! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My wife had a traumatic experience and as a result she no longer feels able to have sex, even though physically she can.
So, choices:
Leave her so I can find someone to have sex with and not be a cheat. This would mean I would lose my marriage and the women I love.
Threaten to leave her if she doesn't have sex with me. Result, she would hate me and I'd lose her love and very possibly my marriage.
Give up sex and end up resenting her for it (yes I know it's not her fault).
Cheat and run the risk of her finding out, I'd lose her love and my marriage.
Not great choices; and whilst its obvious the path I've chosen, I'm not seeking to justify it and I will inevitably pay the consequences; the only thing I would add in my defence is that I feel more is control having chosen this option.
You don't mention the (in my eyes) obvious choice. Sit down with her, discuss the situation and see if she would actually give you permission to seek sex outside of your marriage, safe in the knowledge that you are only seeking the physical act. Is it not an option you have thought about? As for the threatening to leave her option - I'm not really sure how you can justify even giving that the momentary thought that you did when you formed this list?"
This does not work. I asked my ex for an open marriage after 6 1/2 years without sex. I finally asked, then we split. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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...if sex with each other is what binds you both together. Then that is love. Anything outside out of that may seem an act of betrayal.
Now, if sex is a way in which you demonstrate love as opposed to it being the act that binds you both together. Then, it may not be a betrayal as such.
I think it's the lying, the deceit, the lack of respect of each others wishes that makes it all a betrayal.
...but, i can say all that. Haven't been in a relationship for a long time. So, can't really comment much.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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it doesnt matter how you justify the choices you make to yourself, its not YOU that your actions are hurting.
a cock/pussy feels no guilt.
if the love you feel for your partners, and indeed the love they feel for you, is as strong as you all suggest it is, then tell them you need sex, whether it be with them, or someone else.
tell them you will be discreet and will never rub it in their faces.
if they love you, they will allow it, or it will snap them out of their sexual stupor and help them realise they arent being all they can be to you.
but no
you wont
because you know the answer from them.
the answer being 'well, you obviously cant love me as much as you say/once did, otherwise you wouldnt be even thinking of it'
and there is the crux of the matter.
its pure animal selfishness. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Basically. Nobody likes a liar.
have always said, give me a thief over a liar any day.
you know where you stand with a thief.
whereas, with a liar, you never know where you are."
100% true. |
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"it doesnt matter how you justify the choices you make to yourself, its not YOU that your actions are hurting.
a cock/pussy feels no guilt.
if the love you feel for your partners, and indeed the love they feel for you, is as strong as you all suggest it is, then tell them you need sex, whether it be with them, or someone else.
tell them you will be discreet and will never rub it in their faces.
if they love you, they will allow it, or it will snap them out of their sexual stupor and help them realise they arent being all they can be to you.
but no
you wont
because you know the answer from them.
the answer being 'well, you obviously cant love me as much as you say/once did, otherwise you wouldnt be even thinking of it'
and there is the crux of the matter.
its pure animal selfishness."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Love means you'll do anything for that person. Sacrifice anything to make them happy. So if someone is disabled later on in life. If you leave them because they couldn't sleep with you. It shows you didn't love them as much as you claimed. "
if I became ill or disabled and was unable to have sex, or even if I just went off it I would give my husband my blessing to have sex with someone else
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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For me, emotional betrayal is far worse than any physical betrayal could be.
The only time a physical betrayal would bother me is if it involved a close friend or family member - and that closeness, to a degree, implies emotion anyway |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Love means you'll do anything for that person. Sacrifice anything to make them happy. So if someone is disabled later on in life. If you leave them because they couldn't sleep with you. It shows you didn't love them as much as you claimed. if I became ill or disabled and was unable to have sex, or even if I just went off it I would give my husband my blessing to have sex with someone else "
i already said the same to V.
she has said she wouldnt have any interest in doing so, but you can never say never. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Imagine if sexual monogamy was not considered to be the ultimate measure of love?
Then individuals could have sex with others without being "unfaithful", "cheating" and "betraying". Why is it still so important even on a Swingers site?
This is us, sexual monogamy is meaningless in our relationship.
Therefore my husband cannot betray me with sex, nor me him.
The measure of our love is the kinship, respect, laughter, compromise, sharing, walking lifes path 'us against the world'.....as well as all the little things we do for each other that we would not do for anyone else. Where he chooses to put his cock has no impact on any of these things."
But what if one of you was going behind the others back to have sex... telling lies about where they were going and what they were doing so that you wouldnt find out? That is something completely different to having an open relationship with total honesty. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Imagine if sexual monogamy was not considered to be the ultimate measure of love?
Then individuals could have sex with others without being "unfaithful", "cheating" and "betraying". Why is it still so important even on a Swingers site?
This is us, sexual monogamy is meaningless in our relationship.
Therefore my husband cannot betray me with sex, nor me him.
The measure of our love is the kinship, respect, laughter, compromise, sharing, walking lifes path 'us against the world'.....as well as all the little things we do for each other that we would not do for anyone else. Where he chooses to put his cock has no impact on any of these things.
But what if one of you was going behind the others back to have sex... telling lies about where they were going and what they were doing so that you wouldnt find out? That is something completely different to having an open relationship with total honesty."
That's about lying, not about fucking.
It's no different (to me) from any other lie such as about finances, or gambling or a drinking habit. So I would handle it according to whatever the facts were.
It all comes down to how frank your partnership is I think and how much trust and confidence you place in each other, just like a monogamous marriage.
The only difference is we can't betray each other with sex because we don't care about fidelity it's a none issue, we just make sure each other is safe.
The only exception for me is if love of a third party came in to play and that could happen, monogamy or not.
For the record we've both only had solo meets with a small handful of people.
Oh and we've lasted 14 years like this having met on a sex-contact site so I guess we're rubbing along OK and have lasted longer than many marriages.
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