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Giving up control
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I have always been interested in D/s relationships. I would say I'm quite submissive generally but I don't feel I could give someone or trust someone enough to give them complete control over me mentally and physically.
Any people out there been in a D/s relationship? How does it work for you? I'm interested to hear others views and experiences.  |
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By *nigmatic1Woman
over a year ago
A seaside town near you! |
"I have always been interested in D/s relationships. I would say I'm quite submissive generally but I don't feel I could give someone or trust someone enough to give them complete control over me mentally and physically.
Any people out there been in a D/s relationship? How does it work for you? I'm interested to hear others views and experiences. "
I'll be interested to hear others views on this as I am intrigued by the d/s thing so will be watching this thread closely!  |
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By *astpoetMan
over a year ago
where the world takes me |
I love it but a find it really difficult to find women who enjoy dominating men on here.
Also the other thing i find is that because it's a kink you like and it's on your profile many can't see past it and think it's the only way you want to play. |
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I can give up control to a certain extent but I don't like being pushed too far or I bite back so to speak, so I don't think I could do it, I would probably find it easier to dominate but I don't really enjoy being the dominator as much plus I think I might take things too far as I'm an all or nothing kind of girl and can be quite extreme at times lol  |
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By *nigmatic1Woman
over a year ago
A seaside town near you! |
"I can give up control to a certain extent but I don't like being pushed too far or I bite back so to speak, so I don't think I could do it, I would probably find it easier to dominate but I don't really enjoy being the dominator as much plus I think I might take things too far as I'm an all or nothing kind of girl and can be quite extreme at times lol "
you and me both there!  |
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I (Mr) think its important to know the person their limits and where you can and cant push them to really have a successful D/s relationship. I'm not sure if it lends itself to the NSA nature of swinging either because to know someone's limits and how to push their buttons in these situations requires quite in depth intimate knowledge of the person.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'd love to experiment with this for a month and if me and other person like it, then maybe see about carrying on, I just need to find that other person first |
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Yes that's true but I see a lot of couples on here In D/s relationships and it just intrigues me. I wonder how extreme things can get I don't get the whole humiliation side of things that's not a turn on for me. But I feel a Dom is your ultimate protector but also your disciplinarian. I guess like any relationship generally it depends on the two people how they want that relationship to be. |
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"I (Mr) think its important to know the person their limits and where you can and cant push them to really have a successful D/s relationship. I'm not sure if it lends itself to the NSA nature of swinging either because to know someone's limits and how to push their buttons in these situations requires quite in depth intimate knowledge of the person.
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Top and bottom play maybe. But D/s as being talking about here... Couldn't agree more.
Also a good Dominant will know how far he can push you and what buttons to press. Or at least he should through discussion, agreement, experience and observation. That is a key part of the Dominant.
Many people mistake D/s for the submissive becoming a doormat and it just isn't like that. Well if you don't want to be it doesn't have to be at least.
It is what is mutually agreeable for both partners. If it doesn't work for the submissive then it is pointless and not and ideal D/s relationship. Certainly not my idea of one anyway...
Sorry I waffled... |
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Tpe is, as with many things, dependant on the individual dynamic. It takes time to build trust & the level of 'power exchange' can grow with the dynamic.
Just be wary of 'wannabe doms' who insist on instant Tpe as i learnt from personal experience, its a slippy slope & caution is always a good place to start |
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"
Top and bottom play maybe. But D/s as being talking about here... Couldn't agree more.
Also a good Dominant will know how far he can push you and what buttons to press. Or at least he should through discussion, agreement, experience and observation. That is a key part of the Dominant.
Many people mistake D/s for the submissive becoming a doormat and it just isn't like that. Well if you don't want to be it doesn't have to be at least.
It is what is mutually agreeable for both partners. If it doesn't work for the submissive then it is pointless and not and ideal D/s relationship. Certainly not my idea of one anyway...
Sorry I waffled..."
Exactly I don't want to be treated like a doormat I would expect the Dom to be very observant and articulate. I fear a lot of men interested in being a Dom do not actually understand the nature and importance of their role, a person is putting complete trust and faith into that Dom and a lot think they can take advantage of that situation. I feel as though a successful D/s relationship is 90% mental and 10% sexual but a lot of guys who say they want to Dom me have talked nothing but humiliating me and degrading me sexually and to some extent it turns me on but at a point that gets boring I thought it was more than that. |
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It is much more than that.
You haven't found the right guys.
It just isn't something you can jump straight into. It takes time and understanding and care. For the D/s to grow naturally. If it is working right, I think a submissive will be happily waiting to see what their Dominant is going to come up with next because they trust and know it will be a thrill or benefit them another way. That trust is cannot be taken cheaply. Or given freely. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It is much more than that.
You haven't found the right guys.
It just isn't something you can jump straight into. It takes time and understanding and care. For the D/s to grow naturally. If it is working right, I think a submissive will be happily waiting to see what their Dominant is going to come up with next because they trust and know it will be a thrill or benefit them another way. That trust is cannot be taken cheaply. Or given freely."
Totally agree with everything you have said, where D/s is a lifestyle choice it is so much more than sexual and evolves throughout the relationship. Contrary to what so many wanna be Doms like to think there is no need for humiliation and degradation in a D/s relationship, mutual trust and respect are the key elements. The best D/s relationships, to my mind, begin as relationships just like any other and develop naturally over time. |
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I've been recently introduced to this by a lady friend who is a sub and I'm finding it fascinating. We've talked extensively and exchanged numerous emails about the dynamic and what she likes and would like me to do to/for her. It's taken many months to build up the trust and rapport between us so she feels comfortable enough to be submissive with me.
The thing a lot of people misunderstand is that it's the sub who is in control.
It's something I've never considered trying before and we're both having a fantastic time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The trust to hand over control takes time, lots of chats and the trust gained during time together
It's one of those things where there's no short cuts "
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See now as a Dominant I'd really appreciate it if someone could explain this 'the sub is in control'.
I thought the whole point was that the submissive chooses to give up control.
Sure, the relationship is within previously agreed boundaries is that control? My kids know their boundaries but they're certainly not in control!
Or is it the fact that a submissive can stop and walk away? Maybe that's control to a point but the D/s then stops, so neither party is getting what they desire.
If the submissive is 'really in control' then what's the point of being submissive?!
I thought a submissive wanting control or guiding 'things' to their liking was called topping from the bottom... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The only say I have in what my dominant men do is the word stop when I have reached my pain threshold. This doesn't happen often as it isn't a normal part of what we do. It's sexual only for us though not role play or lifestyle. Nothing was discussed beforehand either except being told I'm going to get a beating with a belt once. Wasn't an actual beating as he doesn't actually want to hurt me |
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"Or is it the fact that a submissive can stop and walk away? Maybe that's control to a point but the D/s then stops, so neither party is getting what they desire."
That's what I was getting at.
If you're only doing things within the boundaries of what the sub has suggested/agreed then surely that's control isn't it?
And the kids analogy doesn't apply. Your kids have been given boundaries, they didn't set them. And they certainly can't change or stop them at will.
But it's semantics as to your interpretation of "control". I see being able to stop at any instant as the ultimate control.
Having said all that I'm very new to the whole area so feel free to correct, enlighten or ignore me.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's all about trust and full understanding. Me and my man are in a proper relationship and have been for some time now. We talk all the time and really know each other really well. James is naturally a more dominant person whereas I fall into a more submissive role. That's just by coincidence though. We sometimes like to touch on a Dom/ sub role in the bedroom but it's an occasional thing which we find spices things up a little. I love him being in control, and let's be honest... What man wouldn't like that lol. I don't think it would work to just jump into a proper Dom/ sub relationship with someone though. Let's face it, 50 shades was just a story and made it seem piss easy to find someone lol |
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"
If you're only doing things within the boundaries of what the sub has suggested/agreed then surely that's control isn't it?
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Your correct that is control.
However it is not my definition of control within a D/s relationship. I believe that in a D/s relationship limits means limitations as to how the Dominants control is exerted. For instance a recognition of parent or carer responsibilities superseding any D/s role ie the kids come first.
Beyond that I think as the relationship grows interesting and unexpected things happen, the best advice I would offer is "never say that will never happen, you may be proved wrong"
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Ah OK, so you're looking at it from the point of view that the Dom/Domme has complete control within the set boundaries. Whereas I'm saying the sub has control by the very fact they set those boundaries and can say stop.
I think we're both saying the same thing two different ways. 
This is such a fascinating area. I'm so glad I was introduced to it. |
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It definitely depends on your definition of control.
I think that saying the submissive sets the boundaries and can stop at anytime means they are in control is more guys wanting to prove their a 'nice Dom and full of understanding'.
In actuality once the submissive hands over control he/she better hold on for the ride because in my case, she just gave me her trust to be her Dominant as well as Complete control within the pre-agreed boundaries.
It is ment to be a mutually satisfying arrangement so introducing something like needle play to a submissive that's set that as a hard limit is going to be a complete waste of time for everyone involved anyway! Not to mention possibly effect the submissive for the rest of their life and that's just not something a responsible Dominant is going to want to do. |
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"
I think that saying the submissive sets the boundaries and can stop at anytime means they are in control is more guys wanting to prove their a 'nice Dom and full of understanding'.
In actuality once the submissive hands over control he/she better hold on for the ride because in my case, she just gave me her trust to be her Dominant as well as Complete control within the pre-agreed boundaries.
It is meant to be a mutually satisfying arrangement "
In my experience, most submissives wish to actively submit. This for some can be by living within a framework of rules or protocols that require effort from them to meet. For others it can be doing what they innately do not wish to do, breaking a previous rule or limit perhaps. They do not enjoy the activity or behaviour per se but gain deep satisfaction from doing something that their dominant asks of them or gains enjoyment from.
Conversely as a submissives Dominant you have to know your submissives needs and to sufficiently fulfil them to keep them happy. This does not mean you pander to their every whim or fantasy but instead understand that you have to provide them with opportunities to submit in a way that is meaningful to them |
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"
I think that saying the submissive sets the boundaries and can stop at anytime means they are in control is more guys wanting to prove their a 'nice Dom and full of understanding'.
In actuality once the submissive hands over control he/she better hold on for the ride because in my case, she just gave me her trust to be her Dominant as well as Complete control within the pre-agreed boundaries.
It is meant to be a mutually satisfying arrangement
In my experience, most submissives wish to actively submit. This for some can be by living within a framework of rules or protocols that require effort from them to meet. For others it can be doing what they innately do not wish to do, breaking a previous rule or limit perhaps. They do not enjoy the activity or behaviour per se but gain deep satisfaction from doing something that their dominant asks of them or gains enjoyment from.
Conversely as a submissives Dominant you have to know your submissives needs and to sufficiently fulfil them to keep them happy. This does not mean you pander to their every whim or fantasy but instead understand that you have to provide them with opportunities to submit in a way that is meaningful to them "
We think alike |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have always been interested in D/s relationships. I would say I'm quite submissive generally but I don't feel I could give someone or trust someone enough to give them complete control over me mentally and physically.
Any people out there been in a D/s relationship? How does it work for you? I'm interested to hear others views and experiences. "
There are sites specialising in this and would probably be more helpful. |
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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago
yumsville |
"I have always been interested in D/s relationships. I would say I'm quite submissive generally but I don't feel I could give someone or trust someone enough to give them complete control over me mentally and physically.
Any people out there been in a D/s relationship? How does it work for you? I'm interested to hear others views and experiences. "
A relationship is different from a meet.
Can say, as much as meets have had reservations, and tired to retain control. I do seem to be able to bend people a little. I'm not boasting, just to answer you question, I think its the guy and how his is or what he does that allows you to test your waters a little |
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By *oodmessMan
over a year ago
yumsville |
"I have always been interested in D/s relationships. I would say I'm quite submissive generally but I don't feel I could give someone or trust someone enough to give them complete control over me mentally and physically.
Any people out there been in a D/s relationship? How does it work for you? I'm interested to hear others views and experiences. There are sites specialising in this and would probably be more helpful."
there are sites specialising in it yes, there are also guys specialising in pretence on them too  |
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"See now as a Dominant I'd really appreciate it if someone could explain this 'the sub is in control'.
I thought the whole point was that the submissive chooses to give up control.
Sure, the relationship is within previously agreed boundaries is that control? My kids know their boundaries but they're certainly not in control!
Or is it the fact that a submissive can stop and walk away? Maybe that's control to a point but the D/s then stops, so neither party is getting what they desire.
If the submissive is 'really in control' then what's the point of being submissive?!
I thought a submissive wanting control or guiding 'things' to their liking was called topping from the bottom..."
Or bratting  But that's those that do 'funishment' often.
When i was owned i was owned. It was tpe & i had to fight a year to end the dynamic. Im technically still owned as he never released me. But the 'abuse' & the 'abuser' is no longer in my life. Labels are blurred at the best of times but I've never agreed the sub/slave or owned person has the control in an owned tpe dynamic. |
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"See now as a Dominant I'd really appreciate it if someone could explain this 'the sub is in control'.
I thought the whole point was that the submissive chooses to give up control.
Sure, the relationship is within previously agreed boundaries is that control? My kids know their boundaries but they're certainly not in control!
Or is it the fact that a submissive can stop and walk away? Maybe that's control to a point but the D/s then stops, so neither party is getting what they desire.
If the submissive is 'really in control' then what's the point of being submissive?!
I thought a submissive wanting control or guiding 'things' to their liking was called topping from the bottom...
Or bratting But that's those that do 'funishment' often.
When i was owned i was owned. It was tpe & i had to fight a year to end the dynamic. Im technically still owned as he never released me. But the 'abuse' & the 'abuser' is no longer in my life. Labels are blurred at the best of times but I've never agreed the sub/slave or owned person has the control in an owned tpe dynamic. "
I think tpe is considerably different to D/s.
Whatever your relationship choice everyone in any relationship always holds the ultimate choice of ending it. I know it can be incredibly hard though. Glad you got out |
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"It definitely depends on your definition of control.
I think that saying the submissive sets the boundaries and can stop at anytime means they are in control is more guys wanting to prove their a 'nice Dom and full of understanding'."
OK, now I'm confused. First you say "It takes time and understanding and care." and then you make a derogatory remark about guys who supposedly want to show they are understanding?
Are you wanting to prove that you're a 'proper, hard-core Dom'?  |
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Ha? I think you are miss interpreting what I said.
What I ment was you cannot show all of those traits by saying 'all the True Doms know the submissive is actually in control'.
Saying that doesn't prove anything. Talk is cheap.
Oh and No. |
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This is why i now avoid most of the bdsm threads on here.
You either know & understand or don't
M/s D/s is its whole world entirely & there is a certain disregard by each scene for each scene.
You either play D/s or live it. |
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"What I ment was you cannot show all of those traits by saying 'all the True Doms know the submissive is actually in control'."
Lucky that's not what I said then.
OK, so like pretty much everything it boils down to personal views and opinions. Saying "you understand or you don't" is a very elitist view. What you understand and think is "the proper way" is more than likely to be different from what someone else thinks and wants to get out of it.
I don't "live" D/s and very unlikely ever will but I'm having fun "playing" D/s if that's how you want to label it. |
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In my experience and I've dommed tv's submissive fems and couple where there is a D/s relationship the most erogenous sex starts in the brain x
If you can gain trust x stimulate x and excite then you can normally push buttons and control x
Submissives by nature want to please x allowing them the safety and excitement to do so normally leads to a successful enjoyable meet / relationship x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In my experience and I've dommed tv's submissive fems and couple where there is a D/s relationship the most erogenous sex starts in the brain x
If you can gain trust x stimulate x and excite then you can normally push buttons and control x
Submissives by nature want to please x allowing them the safety and excitement to do so normally leads to a successful enjoyable meet / relationship x"
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