FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > for submissives.. a question

for submissives.. a question

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

As many of those in the lifestyle know last year I was incredibly harshly abandoned by my master of many years.. left with no after care and I'm sense just dropped from a great height..

I got quite adamant that I would never ever submit again... However lucky for me, I accidentally came across a man that I have been able to give my submission to again.

But I keep getting severe sub drop due to fears of being abandoned again... And being quite a pain in the arse to be honest.

Anyone got experience of this... I think for me because it's not just a play thing that the fear is very real to me...

Thanks..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

All relationships end in either break-up or death.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"All relationships end in either break-up or death."

thank you.. but doesn't help as it's a different type of dynamic in this..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Know sort of know what you mean. I have been dumped by 3 or 4 doms that I was fond off. The fist time was hard but like anything time heals

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By *uited staffs guyMan over a year ago

staffordshire

A sub once said to me 'I'm destined to be alone' because she just assumed all Dom/sub relationships would end with her being dropped

To a degree it is a risk you always take, even in a marriage, that it won't last and you maybe dropped again

But the rewards are very high and it's one of those things where you'll never get those rewards without risk

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Know sort of know what you mean. I have been dumped by 3 or 4 doms that I was fond off. The fist time was hard but like anything time heals"

but at the start did you spend time worrying about it happening again... Or just get on with it..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'd just enjoy it again but don't make him your master just go with the flow and that will make it easier for you as if you give him your all now and get dropped again you'll be back a square one

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

As a Dom I am only a Dom in sex and nothing else and that's were some relationships fails as they take it to the extreme and it goes over in their everyday life

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I'd just enjoy it again but don't make him your master just go with the flow and that will make it easier for you as if you give him your all now and get dropped again you'll be back a square one "

I have given my trust, it's amazing... Yet sometimes things just set me off.. but I guess I just need to enjoy more.. worry less. X

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"As a Dom I am only a Dom in sex and nothing else and that's were some relationships fails as they take it to the extreme and it goes over in their everyday life"

I'm a sub 24/7... It's not a play thing, I live it..so it is a very big part of my life. If it was just play then it wouldn't affect me. But it is rarely about sex.. in fact sexually I'm very dominant.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Know sort of know what you mean. I have been dumped by 3 or 4 doms that I was fond off. The fist time was hard but like anything time heals

but at the start did you spend time worrying about it happening again... Or just get on with it.. "

The first i spent prob about 6 months of not doing much and being a bit down.

I did worry about it the other times I was with doms too.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'd just enjoy it again but don't make him your master just go with the flow and that will make it easier for you as if you give him your all now and get dropped again you'll be back a square one

I have given my trust, it's amazing... Yet sometimes things just set me off.. but I guess I just need to enjoy more.. worry less. X"

I think with your last master you gave your everything and it was to be forever, Doms can make you feel like that I've made my subs feel like that but they know once playtime is over so is the Dom/sub aspect I'm no longer their mistress I'm just plain old me. Set a few boundaries with this new master and set some rules and good luck xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"As a Dom I am only a Dom in sex and nothing else and that's were some relationships fails as they take it to the extreme and it goes over in their everyday life

I think you need to not worry with your new master. He's not your previous master he's a brand new entity in your life. If you have this fear he will sense it and it just won't work.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I think you need to not worry with your new master. He's not your previous master he's a brand new entity in your life. If you have this fear he will sense it and it just won't work. "

he's my dominant not my master.. he is also very much aware of this.. I need to get on top of it or my own fears will end something potentially fantastic.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think you need to not worry with your new master. He's not your previous master he's a brand new entity in your life. If you have this fear he will sense it and it just won't work.

he's my dominant not my master.. he is also very much aware of this.. I need to get on top of it or my own fears will end something potentially fantastic. "

Good luck to you Cali

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I totally get that being in a master/sub relationship and it ending takes more out of you than an ordinary relationship ending. Thats due to the level you give yourself mind, body and soul to your master. As a true submissive you give everything you are. And when it ends like it did your left questioning who you are. Im talking from personal experience as it happened to me towards the end of last year.

I know its going to take me a long time to be able to give my submission to someone again. Xx

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By *oodmessMan over a year ago

yumsville

"All relationships end in either break-up or death.

thank you.. but doesn't help as it's a different type of dynamic in this.. "

its that exact relationship completely.

Relationships come and go, the fact that you play doing whatever you do is not part of the equation as you should be able to handle it.

The problem is your fear of losing someone as you have said. The D/S dynamic is inconsequential. Trust is everything in any relationship and it does not differ simply because you have alt preferences.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"All relationships end in eit er break-up or death.

thank you.. but doesn't help as it's a different type of dynamic in this..

its that exact relationship completely.

Relationships come and go, the fact that you play doing whatever you do is not part of the equation as you should be able to handle it.

I disagree. Have experience of both ordinary and a Dom/sub relationships ending. And the latter definitely takes longer to "get over".

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yes -- but they are different only in degree, not in kind. Issues of trust would occur whatever the relationship type. They are exacerbated by the specific type.

Perhaps it's actually useful that the feelings are so strong in this case -- it has allowed the OP to articulate them. It's not far from there to formulating a plan for assimilating or assuaging them, even if that plan is to let time heal the wounds.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I disagree. Have experience of both ordinary and a Dom/sub relationships ending. And the latter definitely takes longer to "get over"."

see this is my finding. It's not because I see it as more important but In many ways a subs allegiance to her dominant can be very childlike in some ways.. for me it was a similar feeling as when my parents abandoned me... Not as bad but similar... Rather than how I felt when exs left or I left them.

I just want to get a handle on it now.. as it's affecting me and making me very uncharacteristically clingy

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By *oodmessMan over a year ago

yumsville

"All relationships end in eit er break-up or death.

thank you.. but doesn't help as it's a different type of dynamic in this..

its that exact relationship completely.

Relationships come and go, the fact that you play doing whatever you do is not part of the equation as you should be able to handle it.

I disagree. Have experience of both ordinary and a Dom/sub relationships ending. And the latter definitely takes longer to "get over"."

same here - I cant see there is any difference. The difference would be 1/ knowing youre going to have to wait to find someone to get to the level you were at and 2/ trust. The same as any relationship.

The difference between swinging and d/s is the d/s are relationships whereas swinging is more or eveybody on the same wavelength that is possibly 1 night nsa.

Though play asside d/s is no different in finding a new partner than a regular vanilla one. The same principles of trust and play still remain.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

So, you know that your behaviour is different from normal. Have you discussed this with your dom? At least if they know it's an issue, they can understand where it's coming from. And their understanding may well stop the cycle you find yourself in. If they don't know, then they will be chalking whatever behaviour you may be exhibiting externally up to any number of causes, including 'this is how she usually acts'. Which I doubt is what you want.

So, use your words -- talk, explain. You might choose to do it via email, or write an email and use that as the basis for a face-to-face conversation. But if you do, I'd recommend not trying to manage their feelings. Just the facts.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

One thing I am good at is expressing my feelings and experiences to my dominant. So yes he is aware.. but for me it's a case of I know I have insecurities due to the bad previous treatment..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Deal with the subdrop in the usual ways. The trust bit you're gonna have to figure out for yourself I guess.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

No experience of this so can't advise but sending you big hugs x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"All relationships end in either break-up or death.

thank you.. but doesn't help as it's a different type of dynamic in this..

its that exact relationship completely.

Relationships come and go, the fact that you play doing whatever you do is not part of the equation as you should be able to handle it.

Spoken as a man who obviously has no understanding of a Dom/sub relationship!

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By *pecifically1Woman over a year ago

Hull

Each time he does not abandon you should help diminish your fears. I had this conversation recently with a sub and the advice I gave her is treat Him as how own man and don't punish Him for anyone else's sins....

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By *exykirstyWoman over a year ago

North of Manchester

"All relationships end in either break-up or death.

thank you.. but doesn't help as it's a different type of dynamic in this..

its that exact relationship completely.

Relationships come and go, the fact that you play doing whatever you do is not part of the equation as you should be able to handle it.

This is so true! I have issues because of past relationships, and even though I love my Master / Dominant to bits, I still am scared of it ending.

But this is the same fear that I have even in nilla.

It will take a long time to learn to "trust" but, you cannot say anything will last forever.

Go with the flow and enjoy what you have and the more you enjoy the more things will happen. xxx

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By *rightloonMan over a year ago

Stafford

S+M relationships go very deep very quickly. Sub drop is something that is quite common. If you have sub sister friends then you can support each other through this which can help. Fet life might be a better environment for this than on here.

Its very insightful of you to link this to the feeling of parental abandonment. You might well consider some therapy for this. Not all Doms are therapists and some professional help to work through some stuff might be useful here.

You can see this is an opportunity. An issue that has been lingering has come to the surface and you can lay it to rest at last if you manage it right.... xx

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By *wingerdelightCouple over a year ago

eastliegh

"As many of those in the lifestyle know last year I was incredibly harshly abandoned by my master of many years.. left with no after care and I'm sense just dropped from a great height..

I got quite adamant that I would never ever submit again... However lucky for me, I accidentally came across a man that I have been able to give my submission to again.

But I keep getting severe sub drop due to fears of being abandoned again... And being quite a pain in the arse to be honest.

Anyone got experience of this... I think for me because it's not just a play thing that the fear is very real to me...

Thanks.. "

unsure about the question but you need a spanking for not visiting me at silverstone

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By *oodmessMan over a year ago

yumsville

"All relationships end in either break-up or death.

thank you.. but doesn't help as it's a different type of dynamic in this..

its that exact relationship completely.

Relationships come and go, the fact that you play doing whatever you do is not part of the equation as you should be able to handle it.

Spoken as a man who obviously has no understanding of a Dom/sub relationship!"

if she cant handle it - shes not ready for it or the guys doing things too quick.

My point still stands re. her trust issues, which the OP actually pointed to first

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By *oodmessMan over a year ago

yumsville

Go with the flow and enjoy what you have and the more you enjoy the more things will happen. xxx"

I could run up and down the street naked at a liberated woman!

Nicely put

(thats not to say things dont over run anybody in any given situation)

but the moral is definitely: enjoy it

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By *atasha_DavidCouple over a year ago

Slough

To the OP

If there was something your Dominant wished of you, gained pleasure from, you would want to give him that, would strive to please Him and would gain reward from doing so.

My suggestion would be to focus on what you give and can give your D, and to take pleasure in that service. Submissively, serve for the now.

When drop hits all the dark thoughts will tend to flood in, so now more than ever you need to minimise it. I don't know what works for you, for us in the past it has involved ensuring communication is really good at the worst times, keeping busy and surrounding ourselves with family or friends that can lift our spirits. Oh and lots of chocolate

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