FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > Thoughts on us. Possible insecurities
Thoughts on us. Possible insecurities
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Wrecking our heads on how to start this thread but here goes. Firstly let me tell you about us. Were a cple of 15 years, settled with 3 kids, house bought and most things in our life are good even in these bad economic times and looking to spice our sex lives up.
When we first heard about swinging we both thought swingers were off their heads but after doing plenty of research on the matter and watching swinging porn and getting a true understanding what its all about we both get really excited about meeting other people for adult fun. After a few years of discussion on the matter weve agreed that we'd be both happy with meeting guys for 3sums every few months or even when we can afford to.
Mr average has a real high sex drive(like most guys) yet mrs average wouldnt be as high. Mrs average had alot of insecurities about sex and took her a few years to break away the chains and start to explore abit more before she could reallly enjoy it on the same level (or close)as Mr average. Now we experiement sexually things that we'd never even consider when we were younger like prostate massage with the finger, rimming(both),anal,cuming in mouth, experimenting with toys etc.. things that would be classed as normal around here.
We both now have agreed that were ready to meet a few WE males (which is a massive turn on for both)for extra fun and hopefully more but this is where it all gets complicated. Mrs average wouldnt be to happy with Mr a sleeping with other women or seeing herself with one, even thou its a massive turn on her watching lesbian porn, shes still not to sure she could be with another women or could even watch Mr A fucking one infront of her. One of her main insecurities would be that other people finding out or not knowing what to do and embarrassing herself in front of others when meeting up. Shes even suggested MrA fuck other women without her knowing, something MrA isnt to keen on because he hates all the cheating aspect to it.
One of the reasons why we havent gone and jumped in the deep end and been meeting these guys for the 3sums yet is that Mra doesnt want to lead his partner up the garden path and gets her to do stuff she doesnt want to just to please him.Its not got to the point he's been even considering the relationship this last year or 2 all because one is very creative and would be up for anything sexually and the other wouldnt be so brave even thou anything shes been insecure about ie, sucking cock, rubbing her own clit,fingering infront of the other half anal and even swallowing and yet, she now really enjoys them all (apart from swallowing )
Were just now sitting wondering where the relationship is going and have hit a brick wall sexually so were just throwing this thread out for some advice really to see if theres others in this situation or even has been before.
We both understand that we only live once, yet one side of the relationship is up for anything and doesnt really care what others think if they did find out and the other is still abit insecure about the swinging scene even thou shes perfectly ok with 3sums with other guys yet Mr A isnt aloud to play with others. |
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that you say one of you is 'considering the relationship' tells me the last place you both need to be is 'here' at this point..
maybe hide your profile and address some of the issues you have spoken about, you both need to sit down and communicate what you both want, where you both are as people within your relationship..
perhaps some professional help maybe..
whatever you choose, wish you both well and you sort it.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"shes perfectly ok with 3sums with other guys yet Mr A isnt aloud to play with others. "
Maybe I'm wrong but that line just smacks of bitterness to me. Just because you both agree on her having fun with others, doesn't obligate her to allow him to have fun with others too. You shouldn't want to or even contemplate doing something which would upset your partner.
I play and my Mr doesn't. You'll get people on here saying its selfish, whatever. It works for us. Watching others be with me is what turns him on. Cool! That doesn't mean I have to feel the same way vice versa and I don't. The thought of him being with another woman does the very opposite of turn me on and I really hope that in your case she isn't being pressurised by him to be okay with him fucking others as it could ultimately lead to the end of the relationship.
Just my 2 cents... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We'd say that swinging isn't the thing for any couple with such worries and insecurities.
Just sit on the sidelines for a while and make sure your BOTH 100% with it before risking your relationship.
You could even try a club on a couples night, just to watch and chat to other couples.
That would maybe give you a better idea as to if its for you or not.
Either way good luck.  
XXXX |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"shes perfectly ok with 3sums with other guys yet Mr A isnt aloud to play with others.
Maybe I'm wrong but that line just smacks of bitterness to me. Just because you both agree on her having fun with others, doesn't obligate her to allow him to have fun with others too. You shouldn't want to or even contemplate doing something which would upset your partner.
I play and my Mr doesn't. You'll get people on here saying its selfish, whatever. It works for us. Watching others be with me is what turns him on. Cool! That doesn't mean I have to feel the same way vice versa and I don't. The thought of him being with another woman does the very opposite of turn me on and I really hope that in your case she isn't being pressurised by him to be okay with him fucking others as it could ultimately lead to the end of the relationship.
Just my 2 cents..."
If either of you are feeling resentful towards the other as a result of anything swinging related then maybe it is not for you. It is about what you both find arousing, not just one person. Saying that, if the lady is maybe frustrated because she wants to explore the scene further but is holding herself back, I can relate to that, but my only advice would be either give it up as a lost cause or take the plunge and see how you feel after , I wish you all the best in your decision |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Firstly there is no rush .. take your time and make sure you know what you both want and don't want, just as long as it's right for you both then don't worry what others say
Your both talking about it, so carry on doing that .. and then think about dipping your toe into new experiences.
Like the other post said, try a cub and just watch .. you don't have to play and even if you did, just play with each other and then talk about what you saw and how you both felt afterwards.
hope it works out for you both xxx
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From what I read it doesn't seem like you are ready to swing. But it would be interesting to hear from Mrs point of view. Swinging can be a dangerous game if you aren't both ready for it. Talk lots and take it slowly.hope you work out what you both want |
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By *adybee77Woman
over a year ago
MAMOBA, miles and miles of bugger all (Aberdeenshire) |
I think you need to have a good long think on what you both want... when its done, it can't be undone.
And also just to say, your post vs your profile has me puzzled. In your post you say mrs average doesn't want a lady, but in your profile shes looking for a bi-fem for strapon fun? 
Maybe you need to hide your profile for a while and have a really good think what you BOTH want out of it.
Good luck! |
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"I think you need to have a good long think on what you both want... when its done, it can't be undone.
And also just to say, your post vs your profile has me puzzled. In your post you say mrs average doesn't want a lady, but in your profile shes looking for a bi-fem for strapon fun?
Maybe you need to hide your profile for a while and have a really good think what you BOTH want out of it.
Good luck!"
As for the strapon fun, that was wrote after watching some porn and was well up for it, still is but when it comes to the crunch, shes not to sure  |
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"shes perfectly ok with 3sums with other guys yet Mr A isnt aloud to play with others.
Maybe I'm wrong but that line just smacks of bitterness to me. Just because you both agree on her having fun with others, doesn't obligate her to allow him to have fun with others too. You shouldn't want to or even contemplate doing something which would upset your partner.
I play and my Mr doesn't. You'll get people on here saying its selfish, whatever. It works for us. Watching others be with me is what turns him on. Cool! That doesn't mean I have to feel the same way vice versa and I don't. The thought of him being with another woman does the very opposite of turn me on and I really hope that in your case she isn't being pressurised by him to be okay with him fucking others as it could ultimately lead to the end of the relationship.
Just my 2 cents..."
Thanks for your 2 cents. I do understand what your saying here but im of the thinking that even tho Mrs a is going to get all the fun in the 3sums(even tho its also a massive turn on for mr a) i think that why not Mra is able to explore what its like to be with other women. We only live once and why not experience all these different pleasures while were on this planet |
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"shes perfectly ok with 3sums with other guys yet Mr A isnt aloud to play with others.
Maybe I'm wrong but that line just smacks of bitterness to me. Just because you both agree on her having fun with others, doesn't obligate her to allow him to have fun with others too. You shouldn't want to or even contemplate doing something which would upset your partner.
I play and my Mr doesn't. You'll get people on here saying its selfish, whatever. It works for us. Watching others be with me is what turns him on. Cool! That doesn't mean I have to feel the same way vice versa and I don't. The thought of him being with another woman does the very opposite of turn me on and I really hope that in your case she isn't being pressurised by him to be okay with him fucking others as it could ultimately lead to the end of the relationship.
Just my 2 cents..."
Thanks for your 2 cents. I do understand what your saying here but im of the thinking that even tho Mrs a is going to get all the fun in the 3sums(even tho its also a massive turn on for mr a) i think that why not Mra is able to explore what its like to be with other women. We only live once and why not experience all these different pleasures while were on this planet |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thanks for your 2 cents. I do understand what your saying here but im of the thinking that even tho Mrs a is going to get all the fun in the 3sums(even tho its also a massive turn on for mr a) i think that why not Mra is able to explore what its like to be with other women. We only live once and why not experience all these different pleasures while were on this planet"
Can't help but think that this is the crux of the matter. Ultimately you want to play with other women don't you?
Can I guess that although the opening post constantly says We, only one half is aware of this post? The opening post smacks of bitterness and selfishness on the male half and of the female half being constantly pressurised in to pushing her boundaries - and you wonder why she isn't comfortable?
Swinging enhances relationships but it rarely, if ever saves struggling ones.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"shes perfectly ok with 3sums with other guys yet Mr A isnt aloud to play with others.
Maybe I'm wrong but that line just smacks of bitterness to me. Just because you both agree on her having fun with others, doesn't obligate her to allow him to have fun with others too. You shouldn't want to or even contemplate doing something which would upset your partner.
I play and my Mr doesn't. You'll get people on here saying its selfish, whatever. It works for us. Watching others be with me is what turns him on. Cool! That doesn't mean I have to feel the same way vice versa and I don't. The thought of him being with another woman does the very opposite of turn me on and I really hope that in your case she isn't being pressurised by him to be okay with him fucking others as it could ultimately lead to the end of the relationship.
Just my 2 cents...
Thanks for your 2 cents. I do understand what your saying here but im of the thinking that even tho Mrs a is going to get all the fun in the 3sums(even tho its also a massive turn on for mr a) i think that why not Mra is able to explore what its like to be with other women. We only live once and why not experience all these different pleasures while were on this planet"
If its worth potentially destroying her confidence and the relationship them go for it... Seems very selfish to me but what do I know... If you...err...mr is that much of a free spirit that exploring means more than the relationship then that's another matter I guess... |
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"Thanks for your 2 cents. I do understand what your saying here but im of the thinking that even tho Mrs a is going to get all the fun in the 3sums(even tho its also a massive turn on for mr a) i think that why not Mra is able to explore what its like to be with other women. We only live once and why not experience all these different pleasures while were on this planet
Can't help but think that this is the crux of the matter. Ultimately you want to play with other women don't you?
Can I guess that although the opening post constantly says We, only one half is aware of this post? The opening post smacks of bitterness and selfishness on the male half and of the female half being constantly pressurised in to pushing her boundaries - and you wonder why she isn't comfortable?
Swinging enhances relationships but it rarely, if ever saves struggling ones.
"
Yes i wouldnt mind playing with other women but it wouldnt be pressurised because if it were, we'd be out having our 3sums with guys already. I want this to be an equal thing but if it came to just her wanting the 3sums without me being able to play, id be ok with this but would still be abit frustrated to be honest. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thanks for your 2 cents. I do understand what your saying here but im of the thinking that even tho Mrs a is going to get all the fun in the 3sums(even tho its also a massive turn on for mr a) i think that why not Mra is able to explore what its like to be with other women. We only live once and why not experience all these different pleasures while were on this planet
Can't help but think that this is the crux of the matter. Ultimately you want to play with other women don't you?
Can I guess that although the opening post constantly says We, only one half is aware of this post? The opening post smacks of bitterness and selfishness on the male half and of the female half being constantly pressurised in to pushing her boundaries - and you wonder why she isn't comfortable?
Swinging enhances relationships but it rarely, if ever saves struggling ones.
Yes i wouldnt mind playing with other women but it wouldnt be pressurised because if it were, we'd be out having our 3sums with guys already. I want this to be an equal thing but if it came to just her wanting the 3sums without me being able to play, id be ok with this but would still be abit frustrated to be honest."
How can you be ok and frustrated?
So in short - you want to have a 3sum with a man that will leave you frustrated and that your wife has little if any interest in, in the hope it will lead to you playing with other women which your wife really doesn;t want to happen.
Yeah, I can't see anything going wrong with that plan... 
And it wasn't just the idea of an MMF where your post comes across as pressurising your wife. |
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By * n zCouple
over a year ago
leamington spa |
You've got to be honest with yourself here, cos frustration can lead to resentment.
I personally could not allow my oh to play with other woman and me not be allowed the pleasure of other men........
To me this is big double standards which I couldn't deal with ( no offense meant to any who do play like this)
So you need to ask yourself where you stand in this case, and if you don't like it you must either talk her round to your thinking or forget the whole thing, at the end of the day it depends on how important your relationship is to you both.
A |
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"You've got to be honest with yourself here, cos frustration can lead to resentment.
I personally could not allow my oh to play with other woman and me not be allowed the pleasure of other men........
To me this is big double standards which I couldn't deal with ( no offense meant to any who do play like this)
So you need to ask yourself where you stand in this case, and if you don't like it you must either talk her round to your thinking or forget the whole thing, at the end of the day it depends on how important your relationship is to you both.
A"
Thats why im now questioning the relationship because i now understand that people change as they get older and can easyly go seperate ways. Ive now realised that even thu im well happy with my women sleeping with others and enjoying her sex life to the max(with me there of course) i can not see myself never sleeping with another women all my life. Something my other half isnt to keen on (for now). Id also hate to think that she would eventually just go ahead with it just to please me, something ive already discused with her.
Just to put another thing out there in this thread. There has been cheating done in the past in this relationship on both sides, more so on mrs a side but weve put all that behind us. Mrs a has had a few flings on nights out and slept with a few people and Mr a has slept with another women on 1 occasion. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In your situation I'd be inclined to stick to soft swing and watching other couples at clubs.
If I was uncomfortable with seeing my partner have sex with someone else then I wouldn't expect him to watch me have sex with another man or woman no matter how up for it I was.
I'm afraid if we can't be as equals in the bedroom then I'd not be swinging at all. That to me is what a partnership is all about, equality in all things from the housework to sex with strangers. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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DO NOT GO SWINGING.
Reading your OP and all the comments, there seem to be three key issues here.
1. there is a fundamental problem with your relationship which needs to be addressed, worked on and sorted out before you ever 'dip your toes in' to the world of swinging. If not, it WILL destroy what you have left of a relationship between the two of you.
2. You (M) come over as being totally frustrated with the situation and are verging on going off and playing on your own anyway. If you do, given what you have said about your wife's feelings about sex, it will almost certainly end the same way as in 1. above if not addressed.
3. Your wife's feelings and emotions connected with sex sound like they are rooted in childhood. They are HER sexual/emotional standards and you should NOT judge hers against yours - we are ALL different. IF... she wants to do anything about it, then she needs to seek professional help. It 'may' be she came from a family where sex was a taboo subject (far from uncommon) for whatever reason and it has left her unable to explore to the extent you seem desperate to do.
Taking all three above together, I stand by my opening line:- IF... you value your marriage - DO NOT GO SWINGING. |
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Neither of you is ready for swinging, neither of you can accept the others terms and of you can't do that it will inevitably lead to problems. You describe your relationship as long term but there's more to swinging than that. Carry on experimenting with each other, strengthen your relationship and leave swinging for your fantasies. |
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By *ENDAROOSCouple
over a year ago
South West London / Surrey |
Sounds to me that you are putting pressure on Mrs A to agree to things that she is not comfortable with.
Usually only ends one way.....badly!
Swinging can enhance a relationship but can also damage it, if both parties are not on the same page.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have to agree with others on this and say that the way that your OP reads you are not ready for swinging as a couple!!
It comes across that you are putting pressure on your OH to much! And that your just in this to feed your needs and wants, lots of women have fantasied about different sexual scenarios, but that's all they are fantasies!
You make it sound as if, if your OH doesn't agree to swing then the relationship is over??
This isn't the place to be if there are issues between the two of you!
You mention " spicing" up the sex side of things, who's idea was that?
You should be talking to your partner about how you feel!
For a couple to swing it takes trust and communication! And the both of you need to feel secure and not pressured into doing anything they don't want to!
The way I read it is,
You want the mrs to fuck another guy just so you can go and fuck another woman! Tit for tat!
Swinging doesn't work like that |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In my experience you can actually talk yourselves into and out of swinging a hundred times a night and get tied up in emotional knots.
Go to a club or even a nudist beach and just watch. Then talk about how you felt, if you want to take it further etc.
same room fun with a similar couple is also a good way to try things.
In some cases, when couples don't meet in the middle on agreement then you may have to make some choices.
Everyone makes their own journey to this lifestyle. But you need to find your own path, not be swayed by others.
Good luck! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Step away from the edge !
Seriously guys, sort you two out before you sort anyone else out.
Swinging is not a solution to a failing marriage or an ailing sex life.
Good Luck in resolving your situation but I honestly believe 'here' isn't the solution x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There is a lot of sensible comment above. You do not seem ready yet so do not go there.
In the heat of sexual excitement many wild things look very exiting but consider this.
After you both have cum and the sexual excitement subsides the picture of your partner having sex with another person will still be in your head. If that is not something you are comfortable with on a wet Monday in the office, then do not do it.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have a different problem in that my hubby used to play but now chooses not to ... It has nothing to do with insecurity he just says he has fulfilled his desires on that level.. However i am free to play bi or straight with male or female without any worries about jealousy... If Mrs is holding back its for a reason ... You cant force your sexual desires onto another... I have tried and it causes resentment... This thing we do has to be evenly balanced and if not it will never stand... Leave the site and concentrate on your own relationship... Yes we do only live once but its awful lonely on your own |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There is a lot of sensible comment above. You do not seem ready yet so do not go there.
In the heat of sexual excitement many wild things look very exiting but consider this.
After you both have cum and the sexual excitement subsides the picture of your partner having sex with another person will still be in your head. If that is not something you are comfortable with on a wet Monday in the office, then do not do it. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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wow
the most sensible comment thread ever on Feb..
great op, and sound follow up....
Ursa major knows the score, the force is strong in that post....
for us j is so into the scene, it is me that keeps thinking, is this for real...lucky for me it is....
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think his Mr a has a high sex drive and mrs a not so much is the only reason they have for years been undecided about swinging. He wants sex with others, will go along with mmf if he thinks it will give him the green card to sleep with other women.
Honestly I think she has listened to you, tried to understand your wants and desires, shared some possible fantasise with you and now you want to get more out of the effort and time you have invested and are frustrated that the mrs still does not want to swing.
If it is not fun for both of you, or what you both want then it's not meant to be. Had you said I'd enjoy or like to see her with another man then that would be different, but allowing her a mmf just so you could possibly get to have sex with women is not right.
I think you are looking at swinging with rose coloured glasses on, the possibilities out there... yes there are.
However, it isn't easy for single men to get meets, so married men I guess will struggle more; so your desires to have permission to sleep with other women, may come true, however, that is very different to finding other women to actually enjoy sex with. Is that gamble worth your relationship? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Swinging will open up the cracks in relationships and rarely fixes them. We are taking things very slowly we go to clubs we chat in the chatrooms and sometimes we have sex on cam we also meet socially but we do not play. We are doing things this way to build our confidence with each other and with the other people on the scene maybe you guys could do the same. There is no need to go jumping in, you both have feelings, wants and desires but you have the rest of you lives to play them out. The most important thing is communication and the ability to be totally honest with each other. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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thing is...if you are feeling like this..do you really have a relationship?? are there really good reasons you are together or is it just habit? Just because you have been together so long doesnt mean it has to be forever. |
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I honestly don't think swinging will work for you, your relationship sounds like it has a few problems, infidelity being 1! The thing with swinging is the biggest thing you need is trust without this your relationship would be doomed!!
If you really can't see you life without sleeping with another woman maybe you really need to discuss your marriage as a whole rather than swinging as a quick fix because it won't be!!
I hope you and you wife find a way to resolve your issues!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Looks like its back to the drawing board . Thanks for all your advice in here folks. "
Good Luck with building a future that suits you both. I wish you both happiness |
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