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Hot tub touching
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We went to a club recently with hot tubs there to use.
We got into one and were alone.
After 10 minutes a couple of guys got in and we were all chatting.
One of the guys started stroking kates thigh. Kate moved her leg so he'd stop.
This is our first time in a hot tub like this.
Is it normal behaviour?
We get it that people are naked and close together. But we wouldn't dream of touching someone, even on a leg. |
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That’s not on, and there are no excuses. Consent is everything, it wasn’t given, so the guy was out of line. Sorry to hear this has happened.
We’ve only encountered this once, so whilst we can’t say it never happens, in our experience it’s rare. Please try not to let it put you off x |
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We had a similar thing we invited a couple over and we were having some drinks and we got in the hot tub. Me and my wife were naked and the other women was naked and we were sat in there and I put my hand on my wife boobs and started playing with them and then done the same with the other women and she was a bit jumpy and sort of pulled back. We have been chatting with them for a while and they were both very interested in full swap sex but we found it a little strange . We all discussed what everyone was thinking and comfortable with and in the end we were all naked in there and we were having plenty of fun. Maybe if you experience anything like that again just come out with your rules so everyone knows what the boundaries are |
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"We went to a club recently with hot tubs there to use.
We got into one and were alone.
After 10 minutes a couple of guys got in and we were all chatting.
One of the guys started stroking kates thigh. Kate moved her leg so he'd stop.
This is our first time in a hot tub like this.
Is it normal behaviour?
We get it that people are naked and close together. But we wouldn't dream of touching someone, even on a leg."
It isn't unusual behaviour because quite a few women welcome advances in such a situation. A moving of your leg (as you did) should suffice in deterring unwanted attention, a firm grasp of their hand and removing with a firm "no" also works. |
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It's not OK out of the blue like that. Light touch is a fairly normal approach in a hotub in our experience. However on its own is a risky business. We've experience it a few times. Where it really becomes an issue to us is when you say no or move a hand away and they try again.
Change the context slightly, add a bit of positive eye contact, an exchange of smiles etc, this would be a more valid next step when testing the water (consent isn't always established verbally). But people really shouldn't touch people by suprise or out of the blue without at least gauging some intrest to be approached first. And of course if your in any doubt its really OK just to ask may I touch. |
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By (user no longer on site) 18 weeks ago
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Outrageous behaviour and I’m sorry you have experienced this.
Sadly some people think touching is allowed just because you’re talking, or they are watching you have fun.
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By *loydyMan 18 weeks ago
British |
"We went to a club recently with hot tubs there to use.
We got into one and were alone.
After 10 minutes a couple of guys got in and we were all chatting.
One of the guys started stroking kates thigh. Kate moved her leg so he'd stop.
This is our first time in a hot tub like this.
Is it normal behaviour?
We get it that people are naked and close together. But we wouldn't dream of touching someone, even on a leg."
really surely your not that naive |
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"It's not OK out of the blue like that. Light touch is a fairly normal approach in a hotub in our experience. However on its own is a risky business. We've experience it a few times. Where it really becomes an issue to us is when you say no or move a hand away and they try again.
Change the context slightly, add a bit of positive eye contact, an exchange of smiles etc, this would be a more valid next step when testing the water (consent isn't always established verbally). But people really shouldn't touch people by suprise or out of the blue without at least gauging some intrest to be approached first. And of course if your in any doubt its really OK just to ask may I touch."
Yes I have had that many times guys just start pawing at me in a hot tub , when you so no and they continue is when I I loudly say that I am going to break their jaw if they keep on , so make a choice ...
Always clears the tub of them I have found within seconds |
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"We went to a club recently with hot tubs there to use.
We got into one and were alone.
After 10 minutes a couple of guys got in and we were all chatting.
One of the guys started stroking kates thigh. Kate moved her leg so he'd stop.
This is our first time in a hot tub like this.
Is it normal behaviour?
We get it that people are naked and close together. But we wouldn't dream of touching someone, even on a leg.really surely your not that naive "
Maybe we are that naive.
Can you explain what you think is acceptable in that situation. |
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Hot tubs can be notoriously difficult to navigate, jets, moving water and uneven surfaces.
Getting in and out can end up with brushing and touching, even moving position can lead to accidental touching. If that happens a quick apology sorts.
Wandering hands is not acceptable, I have had it with ladies and had to move their unwanted attention away.
If it continued I would flag it to the owners.
Personally I would always ask first.
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"We went to a club recently with hot tubs there to use.
We got into one and were alone.
After 10 minutes a couple of guys got in and we were all chatting.
One of the guys started stroking kates thigh. Kate moved her leg so he'd stop.
This is our first time in a hot tub like this.
Is it normal behaviour?
We get it that people are naked and close together. But we wouldn't dream of touching someone, even on a leg.really surely your not that naive
Maybe we are that naive.
Can you explain what you think is acceptable in that situation."
Any uninvited touching, by either sex, is unacceptable, but it happens. There's plenty of advice in the above responses on how to deal with it. You need to develop a thick skin, and quickly. Good luck... |
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By (user no longer on site) 18 weeks ago
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It's not "normal" to get stark bollock naked with strangers, sit chatting with them in a large bubbly bath located in a venue where humans congregate for sex and then be surprised one of them makes a gentle pass at someone, no. 
Assuming the body language got read (i.e. moving the leg was enough to say "no thank you") I'd be pretty chill with this. I find verbal requests for consent (which are never, ever, applied to every single action) a bit performative and sometimes triggeringly wanky.
Consent matters. Asking for it out loud doesn't. |
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Touching out of the blue would be unacceptable, but a light stroke after you've been chatting is just testing the water to see if there's interest - a non-verbal "are you interested".
What happened after you pulled away? If he persisted than that's out of order, but if he respected it and didn't try again, then that's fine I'd say. |
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"What's wrong with 'would you like me to.... ?'
It ensures consent is obtained, that the recipient is happy or not to engage."
Yes, that's exactly how the type of man who sends cock pics in an opening message or a woman who's has too much to drink and think it's OK to grope a man's groin would behave. |
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By (user no longer on site) 18 weeks ago
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"What's wrong with 'would you like me to.... ?'
"
Would you like me to stroke your leg?
Would you like me to kiss you?
Would you like me to lay a hand gently on your arm while I kiss you?
Would you like me to sit a little closer?
Would you like me to put the fingers of one hand into the hair at the base of your neck?
Would you like me to...?
Consent matters for every action at every moment. You can't ask for it out loud at every point (unless you're playing a particularly niche game). And consent for one thing doesn't imply consent for another thing. Or even consent for that same thing a moment later if they change their mind or don't like how it feels.
To rely solely on asking out loud just doesn't work. |
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"It's not "normal" to get stark bollock naked with strangers, sit chatting with them in a large bubbly bath located in a venue where humans congregate for sex and then be surprised one of them makes a gentle pass at someone, no.
Assuming the body language got read (i.e. moving the leg was enough to say "no thank you") I'd be pretty chill with this. I find verbal requests for consent (which are never, ever, applied to every single action) a bit performative and sometimes triggeringly wanky.
Consent matters. Asking for it out loud doesn't. "
Exactly my thoughts.
A real mix of opinions here, but I can't get past the fact that you weren't sitting in a Butlins swimming pool with the family when this happened. |
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"It's not "normal" to get stark bollock naked with strangers, sit chatting with them in a large bubbly bath located in a venue where humans congregate for sex and then be surprised one of them makes a gentle pass at someone, no.
Assuming the body language got read (i.e. moving the leg was enough to say "no thank you") I'd be pretty chill with this. I find verbal requests for consent (which are never, ever, applied to every single action) a bit performative and sometimes triggeringly wanky.
Consent matters. Asking for it out loud doesn't.
Exactly my thoughts.
A real mix of opinions here, but I can't get past the fact that you weren't sitting in a Butlins swimming pool with the family when this happened. "
But they joined them in the tub.
Should the gents asked if they could join them in the tub in the first place? |
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This happened to my husband twice without his consent and it was women on both occasions, he didn't mind though. If you don't want to be touched, you must make it clear if it does happen. Although the other person should know better and ask for consent, unfortunately this will happen on some occasions and i think more women do it to men,just because men are less likely to care. If you'd have reported this person,I assume the club would kick them out and they'd lose their membership. But I would always be direct with that person from the outset. |
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"It's not "normal" to get stark bollock naked with strangers, sit chatting with them in a large bubbly bath located in a venue where humans congregate for sex and then be surprised one of them makes a gentle pass at someone, no.
Assuming the body language got read (i.e. moving the leg was enough to say "no thank you") I'd be pretty chill with this. I find verbal requests for consent (which are never, ever, applied to every single action) a bit performative and sometimes triggeringly wanky.
Consent matters. Asking for it out loud doesn't.
Exactly my thoughts.
A real mix of opinions here, but I can't get past the fact that you weren't sitting in a Butlins swimming pool with the family when this happened.
But they joined them in the tub.
Should the gents asked if they could join them in the tub in the first place?"
Funnily enough if the hot tub is a small one (only 4 adults) then most men ask before they get in. At least at my local club that's the case.
I don't ask though, it's public, if there's a spot and I want it I'm taking it. |
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"It's not "normal" to get stark bollock naked with strangers, sit chatting with them in a large bubbly bath located in a venue where humans congregate for sex and then be surprised one of them makes a gentle pass at someone, no.
Assuming the body language got read (i.e. moving the leg was enough to say "no thank you") I'd be pretty chill with this. I find verbal requests for consent (which are never, ever, applied to every single action) a bit performative and sometimes triggeringly wanky.
Consent matters. Asking for it out loud doesn't.
Exactly my thoughts.
A real mix of opinions here, but I can't get past the fact that you weren't sitting in a Butlins swimming pool with the family when this happened. "
Sorry, why can't you get past that? A little confused by your comment |
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To avoid any confusion it's really, really easy to smile and say something like "I find you very attractive may I touch you?"
No drama, nobody gets offended (well that's debatable), nobody misunderstands and it's all fine. Why is that difficult?
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I think most of understand the nature of the environment. Personally in this environment its not a huge deal for us (as long as they take no thanks as an answer). As swingers I think there's always a risk of miscommunication and getting stuff wrong. That's why it's a bit of a two way street.
First accepting some people can get their approach wrong with you (where the same approach may have been successful with others in that person's experience). And thus not taking something like this too much to heart and a polite no thanks (providing of course they stop).
On the other hand being conscientious with our approaches and understanding that some people are not OK with what others maybe OK with. So knowing everyone is different just being a bit more careful with our approaches like as a baseline checking that the other person/s are aware of your presence/intrest and their vibe seems welcoming towards your presence. And if any doubt just being willing to ask before you touch.
I think it's in everyone's intrest that the club environment feels a safe and comfortable place. Personally when it happens to us it's not a huge deal in the club environment and just results in a no thanks. However it's something that can sour our enjoyment a little or make us feel that little bit of unease which stops us from feeling safe to be fully free. And when a place gets reputation for being a little less safe there are some couples and singles who will avoid it and that's not good for anyone. So how we approach people better is a good conversation to be had IMO.
Mr
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The Freeze, Flight or Fight response means that some people may get stuck in the 'freeze' response, when someone intrudes and their lack of a visible etc reaction must not be interrupted as an acceptance ever!
Accidental brushing past can occasionally happen in proximity but it shouldn't be sustained and uninvited. I've had my tits, arse and other parts touched - last week someone lingered their hand on my face. Almost all contact should be verbally agreed to in advance. I'm OK with something like an elbow brush, during conversation.
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Invading anyone’s personal space without consent no matter what the environment is completely wrong.
Some people have no respect and feel that just because they are in a swingers club that they have the right to do as they feel and anyone is fair game.
Completely untrue and that mentality and lack of respect should see them removed from the club.
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"Invading anyone’s personal space without consent no matter what the environment is completely wrong.
Some people have no respect and feel that just because they are in a swingers club that they have the right to do as they feel and anyone is fair game.
Completely untrue and that mentality and lack of respect should see them removed from the club.
"
So the male of the couple who thought it clever to put a cold pint of beer on my unclothed back while sat the bar, despite being asked 4 times not to, should have been asked to leave?
Took him a while to realise i was pretty pissed off!! |
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It’s a difficult situation
So if I get in a hot tub with say 2 people in (recently with both 2 ladies and a couple m/f), I have asked do you mind if I join you in the hot tub.
To me that is not a consent to touch but more of a consent are you ok with a naked guy in close proximity. Both have said yes, now from there I haven’t touched, did I want to yes but it’s a very fine line, that can normally be judged by how the convo goes.
I kinda guessed that the confo was more chatty in both situations so I didn’t touch leg or anything else, if it had been more flirty then yes maybe |
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There's certainly a mix of opinions here.
For the record we were talking in the hot tub about first aid courses so wasn't sexual in nature.
Just a little shocked that the fact we're in water some people feel it's OK to touch someone without asking. Nobody would think of doing it in any other part of the club randomly talking.
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I don’t use hot tubs/ pools in clubs (cum soup ha!)
I don’t think touching anyone is acceptable without asking.
However if I moved my leg away and said no thanks it wouldn’t offend me.
If they continued they’d be reported and I’d expect the club to remove them. |
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By *ruxruMan 18 weeks ago
sheffield |
"Yes normal behaviour but a simple no thanks normally does the trick, usually in hot tubs in clubs it’s a free for all attitude "
this!
OP is technically "right" but it is something like driving 60 m/h on the motorway when the mass flow is going above 75 m/h.
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"Yes normal behaviour but a simple no thanks normally does the trick, usually in hot tubs in clubs it’s a free for all attitude
this!
OP is technically "right" but it is something like driving 60 m/h on the motorway when the mass flow is going above 75 m/h.
"
Technically "Right"
Surely you either ask and get consent or consent isn't given.
It's either right or wrong to touch someone without consent, no technically right or wrong. |
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"We went to a club recently with hot tubs there to use.
We got into one and were alone.
After 10 minutes a couple of guys got in and we were all chatting.
One of the guys started stroking kates thigh. Kate moved her leg so he'd stop.
This is our first time in a hot tub like this.
Is it normal behaviour?
We get it that people are naked and close together. But we wouldn't dream of touching someone, even on a leg."
Not acceptable
Consent and respect required at all times
Luckily we have always had perfect gents when we have been at that venue.
In future please flag any behaviour that is not quite right or makes you uncomfortable with the landlady she is lovely and wants to know to track any bad or iffy behaviour to nip things in the bud. |
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I've been in hot tubs with couples/single women before.
I always ask first if they're fine with me touching. If it's a no, no problem, we'll both just enjoy the hot tub. I've had both answers before and always respected the boundaries. |
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"I've been in hot tubs with couples/single women before.
I always ask first if they're fine with me touching. If it's a no, no problem, we'll both just enjoy the hot tub. I've had both answers before and always respected the boundaries."
And thats the answer it really os that easy  |
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I was at Chams with a gorgeous lady in the hot tub which was full. All of a sudden she went rigid and said to me that a guy was trying to finger her bum. Which was a no no. I stopped him for her. Once he had took the hump and left she said “if it had been my Fanny he could have carried on” Moral of the story always ask as otherwise you might miss out on playing with the sexiest, most fun lady ever. |
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Getting handsy without asking is not appropriate.
I would probably say that a small amount of footsy as an opening gambit with someone you are chatting with is about as far as one should go without obtaining explicit consent. |
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