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im a nice guy or im a gentleman
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By *oxy j OP Woman 48 weeks ago
taunton somerset |
im a nice guy or im a gentleman
why is this always a red flag i dont get why guys say it ... for me all guys should be nice and a gentleman ...same with im one of the good guys really says who ?? anyone can call themselves good for me if you have to say these thing then ill go no further ....
saying your one of the good guys or nice guy will not get you a meet sexual attraction hets you a meet followed by how you get on via messages / face to face .... it might be just me but its almost desperation .... same goes for im a professional its a pointless quote that will get you no where ..
these of course are only my opinions so how do you feel when someone use's these words red flag / not bothered / like it
i only meet guys via fab my filters are set so i only get guys messages so i of course accept this could be women and couples too not just guys... all opinion welcome after all we are all different   |
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By (user no longer on site) 48 weeks ago
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It’s the absolute bare minimum expectation that someone should be a nice person. From experience, 99% of those who openly declare what a “nice guy” they are are generally the exact opposite. Big red flag to me if anyone comes bleating to me about how decent they are, as if that earns them sex. |
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By *damxxMan 48 weeks ago
London |
All good opinions but really depends on the individual. Most people i speak to ask me what kind of guy i am. Generally its either i'm too nice for them or they like that i'm respectful and not dick! |
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".... it might be just me but its almost desperation .... same goes for im a professional its a pointless quote that will get you no where ..
"
Well it might get you meets with others who also call themselves professional and see some value in that tag. I am never exactly sure what it means, especially in this day and age of fluid and flexible careers but it does mean something.
More generally think there is a danger sometimes in overanalysing the odd word here and there although there is some truth in people shouldn't need to say things if it really them. Personally I'd be more worried about somebody calling themselves a bull or dom rather loudly than than somebody claiming to be a gentleman.
I feel perhaps some have had the nice/gentleman worry regarding my user name - and truth is not I am not always gentle  I came up with it in about 10 seconds 25 years ago on another as a 30 year old and I've stuck with it ever since in various forms. Wouldn't be by first choice now it would feel odd changing it.
And yes similar things apply to ladies. One huge pet hate I have with my partner are couples where the lady describes herself as a "hot wife". That is a big red flag for us - perhaps unfair but let us decide if you are hot and don't call yourself hot plus it reaks of somebody who makes it mainly about them. Not always fair of course but generally we don't go any further. |
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By *oxy j OP Woman 48 weeks ago
taunton somerset |
so i guess more feel the same way its not just those words some ones mentioned ''bull'' now as a cuckold couple i hate that word simply because a true assertive guy would not use it and 99% who do use it is bull shit .... all great filters
another for me is any user names like lick for hours or lick master magic lounge or anything with switch in it jeeze i think i could make quite a list now thinking about it and no doubt there are word on my profile that to some would be a red flag ....
aint it strange how we filter people for using words but it works the same goes for if i say ill meet then ill be there lol why say it it just makes you think why did they say that then you avoid but i also have to admit my brain filters work ive not had a messer/crap meet for a few years no and no doubt ive been wrong and missed a few crackers too
i am fascinated how other pick or reject and how different we all are ...
i dont think over thinking is a bad thing yes a few will slip thru but id rather over think that underthink and end up with crap meets ... right slice of fruit cake and a coffee |
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Well that is me out.
Shame, I rather fancied a slice of fruitcake and coffee.
Taking the debate seriously, I think there is a difference between a username and a statement in a bio.
A username is somewhat ephemeral and just serves to be distinctive, whereas a claim in a bio: I am ‘x’ is more emphatic and I can see why that can be more insightful.
GF |
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"It’s the absolute bare minimum expectation that someone should be a nice person. From experience, 99% of those who openly declare what a “nice guy” they are are generally the exact opposite. Big red flag to me if anyone comes bleating to me about how decent they are, as if that earns them sex. "
Agreed.
There's this subculture which is present in the words "nice guy" - I'm not sure how far it extends, but it's always a red flag. The subculture seems to suggest "if I perform the acts of niceness then I will be owed the sex".
While it is good that potential sexual partners are nice to people, it doesn't mean that anyone is owed anything. It becomes transactional, rather than being nice to someone because you respect them as a fellow human being.
Because "nice guy" is also a mundane phrase, it's not a red flag that means I will never consider a person who says it. But it's at least a warning sign that will put me on guard for other signs of entitlement. |
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By (user no longer on site) 48 weeks ago
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".... it might be just me but its almost desperation .... same goes for im a professional its a pointless quote that will get you no where ..
Well it might get you meets with others who also call themselves professional and see some value in that tag. I am never exactly sure what it means, especially in this day and age of fluid and flexible careers but it does mean something.
More generally think there is a danger sometimes in overanalysing the odd word here and there although there is some truth in people shouldn't need to say things if it really them. Personally I'd be more worried about somebody calling themselves a bull or dom rather loudly than than somebody claiming to be a gentleman.
I feel perhaps some have had the nice/gentleman worry regarding my user name - and truth is not I am not always gentle I came up with it in about 10 seconds 25 years ago on another as a 30 year old and I've stuck with it ever since in various forms. Wouldn't be by first choice now it would feel odd changing it.
And yes similar things apply to ladies. One huge pet hate I have with my partner are couples where the lady describes herself as a "hot wife". That is a big red flag for us - perhaps unfair but let us decide if you are hot and don't call yourself hot plus it reaks of somebody who makes it mainly about them. Not always fair of course but generally we don't go any further. "
Um I think you misunderstand what a hot wife is. It's a label some people use to describe their swinging role, not self-describe how good looking they are. |
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By *oxy j OP Woman 48 weeks ago
taunton somerset |
i think with user name its when its linked with text of the profile like you name is gentleman fox and then if you had to say in your profile your a gentleman i think thats what im getting at ...lick for hours user name then text on profile saying you love to lick for hours your userneame would not have raised a red flay ...
and you can piss orf i share cake with no one |
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I don't really see a problem with saying you're a nice guy or a gentleman. It's the context and what follows that's important but men have a hard time trying to write a descriptive profile as it is. |
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"I don't really see a problem with saying you're a nice guy or a gentleman. It's the context and what follows that's important but men have a hard time trying to write a descriptive profile as it is. "
Yeah. It's an orange flag (be wary) not a red flag (run) |
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By *damxxMan 48 weeks ago
London |
"I don't really see a problem with saying you're a nice guy or a gentleman. It's the context and what follows that's important but men have a hard time trying to write a descriptive profile as it is. "
100% agree  |
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I've always been of the opinion that anyone who has to continuously remind others that they are nice/kind/genuine must be projecting a different image and their own insecurities mean they have to verbalise it.
That applies here and elsewhere and isn't gender specific.
I've seen lots of women who describe themselves as ladies but their actions show them as anything but and I don't mean in a sexual way. |
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By (user no longer on site) 48 weeks ago
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"I've always been of the opinion that anyone who has to continuously remind others that they are nice/kind/genuine must be projecting a different image and their own insecurities mean they have to verbalise it.
That applies here and elsewhere and isn't gender specific.
I've seen lots of women who describe themselves as ladies but their actions show them as anything but and I don't mean in a sexual way. "
Whenever I'm unsure about a profile, I imagine myself writing the text about myself. And I'd never write that kind of bollocks. "I'm pretty, kind and generous to a fault". As if. So it is a red flag for me also
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By (user no longer on site) 48 weeks ago
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"What is it ok to say about oneself? Does self depreciation win the day?"
People are free to say whatever they want. And I'm free to choose whether I talk to them. It's just an impression I form of someone. We all do that based on our previous experience and so forth. |
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By *oxy j OP Woman 48 weeks ago
taunton somerset |
"“The arseholes ruin it for the rest of us…” is another one that always sets the spidey senses tingling."
yeah this one is a red flag ... making excuse's and blaming others for themselves getting now where say it all really |
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By *oxy j OP Woman 48 weeks ago
taunton somerset |
"...
and you can piss orf i share cake with no one
What would they say at the WI?
I had a good freshly baked fruit scone to share too - oh well.  "
wWI oh no you can keep them cakes bunch of nose pickers and ass scratchers i keep to my homemade stuff thankyou |
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By *oxy j OP Woman 48 weeks ago
taunton somerset |
"I don't really see a problem with saying you're a nice guy or a gentleman. It's the context and what follows that's important but men have a hard time trying to write a descriptive profile as it is. "
the problem is those of us who see it as a red flag dont want to waste our time finding out i guess ...as for men having a hard time writing a simple profile about themselves and what they are looking for well if thats the case then they really should question if they should be here if they cant write a si8mple profile then how are they going to handle a social or a play session would be my thought ...
great to see all the different opinions
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By (user no longer on site) 48 weeks ago
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"Well that is me out.
Shame, I rather fancied a slice of fruitcake and coffee.
Taking the debate seriously, I think there is a difference between a username and a statement in a bio.
A username is somewhat ephemeral and just serves to be distinctive, whereas a claim in a bio: I am ‘x’ is more emphatic and I can see why that can be more insightful.
GF"
nice username
there are plenty of gentlemen on fab!! |
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By *icentiousCouple 48 weeks ago
Up on them there hills |
"im a nice guy or im a gentleman
why is this always a red flag i dont get why guys say it ... for me all guys should be nice and a gentleman ...same with im one of the good guys really says who ?? anyone can call themselves good for me if you have to say these thing then ill go no further ....
saying your one of the good guys or nice guy will not get you a meet sexual attraction hets you a meet followed by how you get on via messages / face to face .... it might be just me but its almost desperation .... same goes for im a professional its a pointless quote that will get you no where ..
these of course are only my opinions so how do you feel when someone use's these words red flag / not bothered / like it
i only meet guys via fab my filters are set so i only get guys messages so i of course accept this could be women and couples too not just guys... all opinion welcome after all we are all different "
Totally agree, a gentleman would never beso judgmental. |
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"...
and you can piss orf i share cake with no one
What would they say at the WI?
I had a good freshly baked fruit scone to share too - oh well.
wWI oh no you can keep them cakes bunch of nose pickers and ass scratchers i keep to my homemade stuff thankyou "
Dissing the WI is a high risk strategy - look what they did to Tony Blair.  |
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By *rpeggioCouple 48 weeks ago
Baughurst |
I think it's unfair that others keep saying in our verifications that Lars is a gentleman and Lena is sexy and charming and hot. Well, she truly is, but when do I get to be also sexy and hot? 
I get what you say OP, but can't follow the logic of what many (most) voices are saying here. If someone says in their profile that they are a gentleman, or a nice guy, or a kind person, then 99% of cases you are not.
Why? Where's the logic on that?. Should I start to read profiles and when people say they are fun, open minded, flirtatious, have a good sense of humour, like sex, experienced, discrete, sociable... they are not? In fact, any positive adjective means they are not it, right?
It's great that you use it as a ref flag, OP. Perhaps what you sense is that the person who says such thing is the kind of person that will give you a bad meet, but because he is not the right person for you, and not because they were amazing in all regards except that they were not a gentleman.
What I mean is, they could declare as a gentleman, and truly be one, but still be a bad meet and that is what you sense after all your experience filtering profiles. |
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You learn something everyday.
I've changed mine now as I don't want people thinking I'm some arse hole or that I have to state the obvious.
I get that there are copious amounts of self entitled scum bags on here, but I'm not one, so it's been removed..
Reg flag. Gone.. Until the next one gets pointed out..  |
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By *rpeggioCouple 48 weeks ago
Baughurst |
"You learn something everyday.
I've changed mine now as I don't want people thinking I'm some arse hole or that I have to state the obvious.
I get that there are copious amounts of self entitled scum bags on here, but I'm not one, so it's been removed..
Reg flag. Gone.. Until the next one gets pointed out.. "
__
Sorted. Before, it was obvious that you are not a gentleman by saying it in your profile. Now that you don't mention it, you must be a gentleman because that's the minimum expected. Who would figure? Changing your profile changed your personality for the better  |
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If someone has to tell you that they are nice or a gentleman then they aren't but that's how they want to be seen. Same as I'm smart or funny. People demonstrate those qualities without telling you, if they are. |
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"im a nice guy or im a gentleman
why is this always a red flag i dont get why guys say it ... for me all guys should be nice and a gentleman ...same with im one of the good guys really says who ?? anyone can call themselves good for me if you have to say these thing then ill go no further ....
saying your one of the good guys or nice guy will not get you a meet sexual attraction hets you a meet followed by how you get on via messages / face to face .... it might be just me but its almost desperation .... same goes for im a professional its a pointless quote that will get you no where ..
these of course are only my opinions so how do you feel when someone use's these words red flag / not bothered / like it
i only meet guys via fab my filters are set so i only get guys messages so i of course accept this could be women and couples too not just guys... all opinion welcome after all we are all different "
Sounds like you gotta whole lot of issues going on there OP,
Plenty of guys say this not because there actually closet bastards, but simply because of the rep that single guys have been given (most of which is urban myth), and perhaps it's not cause for red flag at all
Single guys, and let's put to one side the odd total wankers, have a hard enough time, if we try to be nice it's boring or slimy, if we're up front and go down the "fancy a fuck" upfront route it's "fuck off filthy pervert" type of answers, so already, with the odds are stacked against them anyhow, so try taking us at face value, they could be telling the truth. |
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"im a nice guy or im a gentleman
why is this always a red flag i dont get why guys say it ... for me all guys should be nice and a gentleman ...same with im one of the good guys really says who ?? anyone can call themselves good for me if you have to say these thing then ill go no further ....
saying your one of the good guys or nice guy will not get you a meet sexual attraction hets you a meet followed by how you get on via messages / face to face .... it might be just me but its almost desperation .... same goes for im a professional its a pointless quote that will get you no where ..
these of course are only my opinions so how do you feel when someone use's these words red flag / not bothered / like it
i only meet guys via fab my filters are set so i only get guys messages so i of course accept this could be women and couples too not just guys... all opinion welcome after all we are all different
Sounds like you gotta whole lot of issues going on there OP,
Plenty of guys say this not because there actually closet bastards, but simply because of the rep that single guys have been given (most of which is urban myth), and perhaps it's not cause for red flag at all
Single guys, and let's put to one side the odd total wankers, have a hard enough time, if we try to be nice it's boring or slimy, if we're up front and go down the "fancy a fuck" upfront route it's "fuck off filthy pervert" type of answers, so already, with the odds are stacked against them anyhow, so try taking us at face value, they could be telling the truth."
For us it is a case of believing that there are certain things that you get to describe yourself as, and certain things it’s best to leave to others. If you are 6 foot plus then yes, you are tall, let your actions define whether you are a gentleman or not though. There are people on these forums who describe themselves as ‘gentlemen’ who also think the RNLI should leave people to drown in the channel because they aren’t British, for instance.
That’s not gentlemanly behaviour in our book. We’re not saying people can’t describe themselves as gentlemen, just that our view is that if you have to tell people then it makes us wonder why. |
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""I'm a nice guy"
"Sorry I'm not interested"
"Fuck you you ugly slag, I didn't fancy you anyways  ""
That’s sadly the case on enough occasions to make it not really worth engaging with single men on here. |
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By (user no longer on site) 48 weeks ago
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""I'm a nice guy"
"Sorry I'm not interested"
"Fuck you you ugly slag, I didn't fancy you anyways "
That’s sadly the case on enough occasions to make it not really worth engaging with single men on here."
I'm fighting for the cause by not engaging with single fellas on here either, im a nice guy like that |
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I feel like if you feel the need to differentiate yourself to others who share your sex, then you need to be spending time trying to make systemic changes rather than just patting yourself on the back for meeting the bare minimum standard. |
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"Well that is me out.
Shame, I rather fancied a slice of fruitcake and coffee.
Taking the debate seriously, I think there is a difference between a username and a statement in a bio.
A username is somewhat ephemeral and just serves to be distinctive, whereas a claim in a bio: I am ‘x’ is more emphatic and I can see why that can be more insightful.
GF"
Yes I think that is spot on. I think my user name is not too bad but if I claimed I my profile I am gentle, kind, etc. would be a bit different.......scuttles off to check profile as can't remember what is there |
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By (user no longer on site) 48 weeks ago
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"I feel like if you feel the need to differentiate yourself to others who share your sex, then you need to be spending time trying to make systemic changes rather than just patting yourself on the back for meeting the bare minimum standard."
I used to work with a fella at a hotel who tried he's very hardest to convince everyone that he was a "nice guy" especially women.
He didn't really get much attention, and I think that was he's angle.
The second a women wasn't there it was "yeh, I'd smash her back doors in"
This fella was regularly stealing, telling lies about people, especially other fellas who did well with women.
He tried to be "one of the lads" when there was no women around, and then "the nicest guy" when there was.
To this day, alot of people that worked with him think he was really lovely.
I think he differentiated himself because he wanted to put other guys down and in turn look like he was this amazing guy. And I think its because he was frustrated that he didn't get the attention he wanted. |
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On reflection I feel the same when I see ladies or couples claiming to be polite and value manners and saying they don't do drama. Invariably status updates are constant parade of drama.
I've met one lady who makes a big thing on her profile of saying how polite and well-mannered she is and expects the same of others and she has lots of veris saying the same. Ghosted me a few hours before a planned meet she had asked for following a social and for which I had booked a hotel. Then eventually replied saying "You're ugly and you smell. I got a better option". I've had better better veris after a social A year later she messaged my couples profile with her couples profile not realising it was me. When I laughed and reminded her of how she behaved I got another tirade. |
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"Nobody has ever said that we must be awful because our user name contains the word 'nice'. If I were to describe myself as a 'nice woman ' would that be a red flag?
Is nice the new 'professional'?"
You night get away with "nice women". "Nice_gentleman" would be a double whammy and you'd be screwed and not in the good way |
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"Nobody has ever said that we must be awful because our user name contains the word 'nice'. If I were to describe myself as a 'nice woman ' would that be a red flag?
Is nice the new 'professional'?"
"Nice" has had connotations for awhile, at least in internet parlance
https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/nice-guy-syndrome-dating-tactics-persona-men-women-relationships-a7476651.html
I think everyone draws inferences from names, etc. But most of them are never voiced. |
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"Nobody has ever said that we must be awful because our user name contains the word 'nice'. If I were to describe myself as a 'nice woman ' would that be a red flag?
Is nice the new 'professional'?"
I had a primary school teacher who used to tell us that we shouldn’t use “nice” to describe anything because it’s insipid. “Nice is a biscuit, not a compliment” she used to say. |
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"Nobody has ever said that we must be awful because our user name contains the word 'nice'. If I were to describe myself as a 'nice woman ' would that be a red flag?
Is nice the new 'professional'?
You night get away with "nice women". "Nice_gentleman" would be a double whammy and you'd be screwed and not in the good way "
 it's a minefield isn't it. Don't say you're nice because it means you're not just be nice and show it in a profile that isn't too long or too short but indicates quite clearly that you're a decent person without saying so in so many words. Also don't ask for help in describing yourself as a decent person because that's a bad thing too. |
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"Nobody has ever said that we must be awful because our user name contains the word 'nice'. If I were to describe myself as a 'nice woman ' would that be a red flag?
Is nice the new 'professional'?
I had a primary school teacher who used to tell us that we shouldn’t use “nice” to describe anything because it’s insipid. “Nice is a biscuit, not a compliment” she used to say."
Well clearly she spoke for most people in fab |
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"Nobody has ever said that we must be awful because our user name contains the word 'nice'. If I were to describe myself as a 'nice woman ' would that be a red flag?
Is nice the new 'professional'?
I had a primary school teacher who used to tell us that we shouldn’t use “nice” to describe anything because it’s insipid. “Nice is a biscuit, not a compliment” she used to say.
Well clearly she spoke for most people in fab "
I mean I quite like a biscuit. |
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"Nobody has ever said that we must be awful because our user name contains the word 'nice'. If I were to describe myself as a 'nice woman ' would that be a red flag?
Is nice the new 'professional'?
"Nice" has had connotations for awhile, at least in internet parlance
https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/nice-guy-syndrome-dating-tactics-persona-men-women-relationships-a7476651.html
I think everyone draws inferences from names, etc. But most of them are never voiced. "
Nice has always had fairly negative connotations but never more than nowadays. I'm aware if that but I like to question things. |
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"Nobody has ever said that we must be awful because our user name contains the word 'nice'. If I were to describe myself as a 'nice woman ' would that be a red flag?
Is nice the new 'professional'?
I had a primary school teacher who used to tell us that we shouldn’t use “nice” to describe anything because it’s insipid. “Nice is a biscuit, not a compliment” she used to say.
Well clearly she spoke for most people in fab
I mean I quite like a biscuit. "
Me too and we have a packet of Nice in the cupboard |
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By *rpeggioCouple 48 weeks ago
Baughurst |
"If someone has to tell you that they are nice or a gentleman then they aren't but that's how they want to be seen. Same as I'm smart or funny. People demonstrate those qualities without telling you, if they are."
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Not picking on your profile, just using it as an example to question what you are saying.
If you are truly fun-loving, down-to-earth, laid-back (in your opening paragraph), why do you need to say it? Does it mean that it is not true? That you want to be seen like that but actually you aren't?
I still can't see the logic of it. Yes, I agree that what people write in their profile is what they want to highlight to others about who they are, or who they want to be, or who they'd like to pretend they are.
Whether then they are or are not such things, it needs to be seen and often it is for others to judge, but just by writing it should not mean straightaway that you are definitely not those things.
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By *rpeggioCouple 48 weeks ago
Baughurst |
"On reflection I feel the same when I see ladies or couples claiming to be polite and value manners and saying they don't do drama. Invariably status updates are constant parade of drama.
I've met one lady who makes a big thing on her profile of saying how polite and well-mannered she is and expects the same of others and she has lots of veris saying the same. Ghosted me a few hours before a planned meet she had asked for following a social and for which I had booked a hotel. Then eventually replied saying "You're ugly and you smell. I got a better option". I've had better better veris after a social A year later she messaged my couples profile with her couples profile not realising it was me. When I laughed and reminded her of how she behaved I got another tirade. "
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This is evidence that not everyone who says "I am polite" are polite. It is not evidence that everyone that says I'm polite are not polite |
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"I feel like if you feel the need to differentiate yourself to others who share your sex, then you need to be spending time trying to make systemic changes rather than just patting yourself on the back for meeting the bare minimum standard."
You mean you want men to be better? And furthermore you want the men who believe themselves to be better to help in that process?
Get those biscuits out, this might take a while. |
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"On reflection I feel the same when I see ladies or couples claiming to be polite and value manners and saying they don't do drama. Invariably status updates are constant parade of drama.
I've met one lady who makes a big thing on her profile of saying how polite and well-mannered she is and expects the same of others and she has lots of veris saying the same. Ghosted me a few hours before a planned meet she had asked for following a social and for which I had booked a hotel. Then eventually replied saying "You're ugly and you smell. I got a better option". I've had better better veris after a social A year later she messaged my couples profile with her couples profile not realising it was me. When I laughed and reminded her of how she behaved I got another tirade.
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This is evidence that not everyone who says "I am polite" are polite. It is not evidence that everyone that says I'm polite are not polite "
Yes I know and I resist the urge to think that based on some bad previous experiences. Just saying in the context of the nice gentleman discussion it can apply more widely. agree with your post above regarding profile text and laid back etc. If you want can assume everything is the opposite of what it says which would be an odd world. Nevertheless there are clues in profiles sometimes that you can pick up after years of experience. As somebody above said not red flags but maybe orange ones or just minor things to watch out for. |
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"On reflection I feel the same when I see ladies or couples claiming to be polite and value manners and saying they don't do drama. Invariably status updates are constant parade of drama.
I've met one lady who makes a big thing on her profile of saying how polite and well-mannered she is and expects the same of others and she has lots of veris saying the same. Ghosted me a few hours before a planned meet she had asked for following a social and for which I had booked a hotel. Then eventually replied saying "You're ugly and you smell. I got a better option". I've had better better veris after a social A year later she messaged my couples profile with her couples profile not realising it was me. When I laughed and reminded her of how she behaved I got another tirade.
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This is evidence that not everyone who says "I am polite" are polite. It is not evidence that everyone that says I'm polite are not polite "
PS what would constitute proof in this context? I’m not doing a peer reviewed research paper . It’s an anecdote and occasional feeling based on experience like so much of opinion expressed here. |
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By *rpeggioCouple 48 weeks ago
Baughurst |
"On reflection I feel the same when I see ladies or couples claiming to be polite and value manners and saying they don't do drama. Invariably status updates are constant parade of drama.
I've met one lady who makes a big thing on her profile of saying how polite and well-mannered she is and expects the same of others and she has lots of veris saying the same. Ghosted me a few hours before a planned meet she had asked for following a social and for which I had booked a hotel. Then eventually replied saying "You're ugly and you smell. I got a better option". I've had better better veris after a social A year later she messaged my couples profile with her couples profile not realising it was me. When I laughed and reminded her of how she behaved I got another tirade.
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This is evidence that not everyone who says "I am polite" are polite. It is not evidence that everyone that says I'm polite are not polite
PS what would constitute proof in this context? I’m not doing a peer reviewed research paper . It’s an anecdote and occasional feeling based on experience like so much of opinion expressed here. "
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People make judgements, assumptions and decisions based on their past experience. We all do. Sometimes we bias ourselves putting too much weight on the negative experiences, even when they are less frequent than the positive ones. So I wonder if we all often disregard the profiles we have met that were open minded, kind, polite, fun, respectful and overall decent human beings, that had written some of those things in their profiles, because they actually were the way they said.
I am a supporter of filtering the people we want to meet (or not) based on whatever reason e.g OP and many others in this thread. If it works for someone then it's perfect because more chances the meet will work for both parties. What puzzles me is how some people believe that behind their bad experiences there's a universal pattern.
For example, if the OP never meets anyone claiming to be a gentleman, among other things, it's great because she says she rarely gets bad meets, but no one knows how many of those discarded profiles behave like the gentleman they claim to be. |
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"On reflection I feel the same when I see ladies or couples claiming to be polite and value manners and saying they don't do drama. Invariably status updates are constant parade of drama.
I've met one lady who makes a big thing on her profile of saying how polite and well-mannered she is and expects the same of others and she has lots of veris saying the same. Ghosted me a few hours before a planned meet she had asked for following a social and for which I had booked a hotel. Then eventually replied saying "You're ugly and you smell. I got a better option". I've had better better veris after a social A year later she messaged my couples profile with her couples profile not realising it was me. When I laughed and reminded her of how she behaved I got another tirade.
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This is evidence that not everyone who says "I am polite" are polite. It is not evidence that everyone that says I'm polite are not polite
PS what would constitute proof in this context? I’m not doing a peer reviewed research paper . It’s an anecdote and occasional feeling based on experience like so much of opinion expressed here.
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People make judgements, assumptions and decisions based on their past experience. We all do. Sometimes we bias ourselves putting too much weight on the negative experiences, even when they are less frequent than the positive ones. So I wonder if we all often disregard the profiles we have met that were open minded, kind, polite, fun, respectful and overall decent human beings, that had written some of those things in their profiles, because they actually were the way they said.
I am a supporter of filtering the people we want to meet (or not) based on whatever reason e.g OP and many others in this thread. If it works for someone then it's perfect because more chances the meet will work for both parties. What puzzles me is how some people believe that behind their bad experiences there's a universal pattern.
For example, if the OP never meets anyone claiming to be a gentleman, among other things, it's great because she says she rarely gets bad meets, but no one knows how many of those discarded profiles behave like the gentleman they claim to be."
I guess it partly comes down to sample size as to whether a grain of truth in judgments or not. Somebody been swinging 20 years and met hundreds of people probably better at judging based on small things than somebody who has been at it a year and had very few meets.
You are right that filters may mean missing out on good people but I see it all as a game of probability and with limited time available want to give the best chances of success when do meet. As long as those meets are great then it doesn't matter if miss out on some good people. With my partner we meet maybe once or twice a month if we are lucky. We want to do all we can to increases the chances of that once a month meeting being great even if miss out on some great people - we don't find a shortage of great people. It's bit like not meeting anybody who doesn't have a few recent veris. We miss out on some great people but greatly increase our chances of meeting people we are compatible with and can have fun. |
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Oh yes sometimes there is a universal pattern behind bad experiences (or if not universal then applying to many) - it would be foolish to believe that from one or two experiences but perhaps sensible if you've experienced such things many times. |
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I've just had a sudden flashback on this theme. I lived in Japan a long time. Used to go out trying to meet ladies and having dates with a Japanese male friend. I remember some ladies commenting with limited English that I seemed like a real English gentleman. Thought I was getting somewhere but he then told them - "no not a gentleman but a genitalman". After some Japanese discussion to explain they moved on. With friends like that.... |
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By *rpeggioCouple 48 weeks ago
Baughurst |
"Oh yes sometimes there is a universal pattern behind bad experiences (or if not universal then applying to many) - it would be foolish to believe that from one or two experiences but perhaps sensible if you've experienced such things many times. "
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Indeed, it is sensible to think that people with years of experience know well how to read a profile and any chat/messages to make an "educated" guess if they could be a good match for them. Some words or phrases may trigger an attraction or a rejection.
Not sure that I said that using filters may make someone miss on good people, but I agree with what you say that this should not matter much. If Lena and I miss meeting a couple that would have been great for us because we are meeting another couple that proves to be great for us, then we are not missing at all.
What I was trying to say was that if someone discard profiles that claim to be a gentleman because they have experienced bad meets before, yes, sometimes they might not be a gentleman at all, but in other cases the meeting was not good perhaps because there's a pattern behind people writing that about themselves of being petulant, annoyingly polite, pedantic, boring, too timid, or whatever makes the meeting not work, even if during the meeting they actually behave like a gentleman
(whatever being "a gentleman" means, besides the dictionary definition) |
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By *oxy j OP Woman 48 weeks ago
taunton somerset |
"On reflection I feel the same when I see ladies or couples claiming to be polite and value manners and saying they don't do drama. Invariably status updates are constant parade of drama.
I've met one lady who makes a big thing on her profile of saying how polite and well-mannered she is and expects the same of others and she has lots of veris saying the same. Ghosted me a few hours before a planned meet she had asked for following a social and for which I had booked a hotel. Then eventually replied saying "You're ugly and you smell. I got a better option". I've had better better veris after a social A year later she messaged my couples profile with her couples profile not realising it was me. When I laughed and reminded her of how she behaved I got another tirade.
__
This is evidence that not everyone who says "I am polite" are polite. It is not evidence that everyone that says I'm polite are not polite
PS what would constitute proof in this context? I’m not doing a peer reviewed research paper . It’s an anecdote and occasional feeling based on experience like so much of opinion expressed here.
__
People make judgements, assumptions and decisions based on their past experience. We all do. Sometimes we bias ourselves putting too much weight on the negative experiences, even when they are less frequent than the positive ones. So I wonder if we all often disregard the profiles we have met that were open minded, kind, polite, fun, respectful and overall decent human beings, that had written some of those things in their profiles, because they actually were the way they said.
I am a supporter of filtering the people we want to meet (or not) based on whatever reason e.g OP and many others in this thread. If it works for someone then it's perfect because more chances the meet will work for both parties. What puzzles me is how some people believe that behind their bad experiences there's a universal pattern.
For example, if the OP never meets anyone claiming to be a gentleman, among other things, it's great because she says she rarely gets bad meets, but no one knows how many of those discarded profiles behave like the gentleman they claim to be."
the last paragraph is very true i will never know how many guys ive turned down via my filtering method i totally agree .. its taken 30+ years to get to where i am on the scene and how i process a meet or not...
i consider myself/ourselves very different to many women and couples in how i pick guys number one for me is sexual attraction ie what my eyes like so pic within the first 2 or 3 messaghe or its going nowhere but username can be a red flag profile text can also be a red flag but they are red flags because of history/past like the guys who write in their profiles can last for hours ive learnt that most of those guys who write that dont and the guys who dont write that do ... and it works for alot of stuff too we've alway been a hotwife // cuckold couple every guy ive met who claimed to be a bull were clearly not yet guys who've seeked me/us out have been indeed very much bulls ..
so your mind picks these words out as red flags and its not a small group of words neither lick for hours = guy cant get erection ... shy = compleate waste of time thats not me making it up thats from experience in my earlier days of course there going to be guys who slip thru but it does not matter due to the very very large number of guys to choose from and thats the luxury us women and couples have we can afford to be extremely picky ...
maybe those of us who see words/phrases as red flags are longer term swingers we learn quickly from past ...
lots of very good points and opinions on the thread ... |
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By (user no longer on site) 48 weeks ago
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I've chatted to plenty of men calling themselves nice or a gentleman. That's why these days I see it as an Amber/red flag. Because it's a certain mindset and it carries into the rest of the messaging and expectations.
I don't have to meet them and have a bad experience to know that they're not for me. It's judgement based on experience. I don't think they're awful. It's just one way to assess if someone is worth my time. I'm a reasonably intelligent person. I don't think I need anyone to second guess my judgment. Nor do I ever say anything to the men who message other than "thanks but not interested". |
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