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ADHD and swing / relationships
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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So I posted this on another site, you can probably guess which, keen for broader perspectives.
Been thinking about the above a lot lately. My last relationship (as it happens with someone from fet) spectacularly imploded after a really intense start. I think my ADHD was a huge contributing factor although I might say the first time this has happened in my life - anyways thats perhaps another thread, point I was getting to was about other adhd'ers...
Do you think its healthier for us to date and play with one another? Ive begun to almost actively seek others with ADHD both to play with and in the back of my head for something more meaningful. My logic is some of my favourite people are ADHD in and out of kink; theyre often the most open minded, free spirited, energetic and engaging to be around. Just as importantly, being around them both gives me licence to be more my authentic self and also empathetic when I recognise traits in others Ive seen in myself.
Id love to hear from others both single and otherwise about experiences of dating others with ADHD. Certainly on a casual or kink level I know us types are often brilliant fun in the bedroom but what about for something more lasting? |
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Well i don't use the other site now but me being diagnosed with ADHD explains a lot, it's definitely caused me to have an interest in "dangerous sexual activities". Why i can't make relationships work etc.
Neurodivergent people together in a relationship can be and usually is chaos intertwined with some really beautiful moments. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Well i don't use the other site now but me being diagnosed with ADHD explains a lot, it's definitely caused me to have an interest in "dangerous sexual activities". Why i can't make relationships work etc.
Neurodivergent people together in a relationship can be and usually is chaos intertwined with some really beautiful moments."
I recognise dangerous activities. Both in terms of partners Ive chosen and behaviours that mightve put me at risk. Thats a lovely last sentence, beautiful chaos doesnt sound so bad to me and considerably better than mundanity. |
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"Well i don't use the other site now but me being diagnosed with ADHD explains a lot, it's definitely caused me to have an interest in "dangerous sexual activities". Why i can't make relationships work etc.
Neurodivergent people together in a relationship can be and usually is chaos intertwined with some really beautiful moments."
Agree with all of this and especially the last comment.
Neurodiverse tend to flock together anyway. Not hard to find in the scene at all. |
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I met a swinger on fab.. we had a fantastic time although her borderline personality disorder was very testing at times. Although it wasn't ADHD it is another problematic issue. When we first met she never told me about it but I soon cottoned on that something was not as you would expect and something was going on with her. We stopped seeing each other after her mother died |
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I'm very much attracted to people who understand me.. adhd is part of who I am but doesn't define me, however I find myself drawn to other neurospicy individuals for their honest communication and creativity and feel more at ease around those people.
Pansexual and sapiosexual people just connect better with me.  |
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By *Cups32Woman
over a year ago
Colne |
Suspected ADHD'er here...
I find things can be quite intense with someone and if they don't keep me stimulated, I'm bored and I'm done which makes me feel a bit crappy. It's a big part of the reason I've been single for 4.5 years. |
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Relationships can work. We work. However it can make people difficult to be with and Relationships confusing (from both sides). Especially when both of you are affected by these traits. A lot of what makes it work is about understanding yourself, understanding each other and being able to communicate openly and honesty without fear of rejection. It makes Relationships confusing and people difficult to be with. Not just the ADHD itself but the other problems that can develop as a result of growing up ADHD in a neurotypical world. If you don't understand and/or address these demons they can make things difficult or even toxic in a relationship. Personally I've found command avoidance and rejection sensitivity real battles in a relationship. Before meeting Mrs Misfit I never really was a aware of these problems or their impact on others. But a huge part of what makes us work is the openness to safely say when each of us is being a dick (or comes across as being a dick) and the ability to express to each other why and what is going on in our heads. Often it's the masks and trying to fit expectations that can be dangerous in a relationship. So you need to be in one where we are safe not to need the masks and to express and understand (which is not so easy especially if you've become predisposed to people pleasing and have rejection sensitivity). Also you have to be aware of your masks in the first place that is not always easy because often they are so ingrained and subconscious. Basically regardless of if you're dating a neurodivergent or neurotypical person your ADHD requires bags of self awareness, understanding and complete openness from each other.
It's also important to remember we can feel that new romantic energy fast and fall quick. Which can often be our downfall with the wrong people and also make relationships confusing. It can make it also hard to trust our own romantic judgment (arguably rightfully so). I think self awareness and experience helps here. To know when someone is truly worth our love and energy and to know when something is greater and lasts beyond that initial infatuation stage. We are long past that stage and yet we still deeply adore each and not bored of each other. And that is the difference and knowing the difference is important. From a swinging point of veiw the tendency to be totally fixated on someone new and shiny can be difficult for the other (understandibly so). Often the other person is not aware of the extent they appear to be fixated or fallen for someone new whos come along and who excities them. But this is where understanding of ourselves, each other and communication is king. If you nail that then you understand the true reason why, that it's not a challenge to your relationship and that it's short term (we can be so very fickle).
It can work, in fact it can work amazingly. Here we are, the evidence.
Just a couple of thoughts anyways
Mr Misfit. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Relationships can work. We work. However it can make people difficult to be with and Relationships confusing (from both sides). Especially when both of you are affected by these traits. A lot of what makes it work is about understanding yourself, understanding each other and being able to communicate openly and honesty without fear of rejection. It makes Relationships confusing and people difficult to be with. Not just the ADHD itself but the other problems that can develop as a result of growing up ADHD in a neurotypical world. If you don't understand and/or address these demons they can make things difficult or even toxic in a relationship. Personally I've found command avoidance and rejection sensitivity real battles in a relationship. Before meeting Mrs Misfit I never really was a aware of these problems or their impact on others. But a huge part of what makes us work is the openness to safely say when each of us is being a dick (or comes across as being a dick) and the ability to express to each other why and what is going on in our heads. Often it's the masks and trying to fit expectations that can be dangerous in a relationship. So you need to be in one where we are safe not to need the masks and to express and understand (which is not so easy especially if you've become predisposed to people pleasing and have rejection sensitivity). Also you have to be aware of your masks in the first place that is not always easy because often they are so ingrained and subconscious. Basically regardless of if you're dating a neurodivergent or neurotypical person your ADHD requires bags of self awareness, understanding and complete openness from each other.
It's also important to remember we can feel that new romantic energy fast and fall quick. Which can often be our downfall with the wrong people and also make relationships confusing. It can make it also hard to trust our own romantic judgment (arguably rightfully so). I think self awareness and experience helps here. To know when someone is truly worth our love and energy and to know when something is greater and lasts beyond that initial infatuation stage. We are long past that stage and yet we still deeply adore each and not bored of each other. And that is the difference and knowing the difference is important. From a swinging point of veiw the tendency to be totally fixated on someone new and shiny can be difficult for the other (understandibly so). Often the other person is not aware of the extent they appear to be fixated or fallen for someone new whos come along and who excities them. But this is where understanding of ourselves, each other and communication is king. If you nail that then you understand the true reason why, that it's not a challenge to your relationship and that it's short term (we can be so very fickle).
It can work, in fact it can work amazingly. Here we are, the evidence.
Just a couple of thoughts anyways
Mr Misfit."
Thank you. What a thoughtful response. I recognise the bit about early passion subsiding hard. I really hurt the last girl I was with for this reason; it all burned so bright and then was extinguished even quicker.
The lesson Ive learnt is to try and hold my feelings to myself longer, Im an oversharer (insert swinging related joke here) and I find it too easy to open up. Its not fair for me to have love bombed someone to then turn around and say actually Im not that keen after all. I carry a lot of guilt for that.
Calling out behaviour is a good one too. Neuro typicals can say they support and understand up to point you are a dick. For us ADHD folk I think as I said its easier to empathise but also take criticism.
Oh and RSD Ive felt hard even swinging tbh. The rational part of my brain knows thats ridiculous but nonetheless its been real. Im sure there could be a separate thread on that here to help people.
Good luck to you both and thanks again |
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