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Dominance VS Teaching
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I've used the word teaching as I'm struggling to come up with a better one.
But how exactly do you 'teach' someone what you like or what you're into without being labelled dominant?
You can't always describe in words and sometimes you need to 'show' someone. But I've found when I try to do this I can get called dominant. I don't think I'm being dominating, but the other person views that way. I can then feel a reluctance to say or do anything as I feel misunderstood ..maybe.
Sometimes I think the other person just feels a knock to their confidence and hits back with saying I'm dominant in an attempt to lessen me, other times it fees like a reaction because they aren't getting their way, and other times it feels like I am just a bit too scary as I'm not afraid to say something nice know I can be direct at times.
Anyone else relate to this?
I'd like to hear it from both sides.
And I'm coming at this from a submissive/BDSM point of view too. Where you need to communicate quite a bit at first before totally submitting or entering into certain scenes. To communicate confidently as a submissive doesn't mean you're not submissive.
I imagine most will question my tone of voice and choice of wording.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have been reluctant to tell others what I like in the past. At some point I decided it’s useless to not share because we are all different and expecting someone to magically know would lead to disappointment mostly.
I ask the other person what they like, how, etc., and focus on everyone being unique therefore all of us needing communication to help us navigate and understand what the other likes, how, etc.
It seems to be less often seen as dominating and those that do see it as things needing to be my way for me, or me being dominant I’ve come to realise are just not people for me. |
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I don't really give too much away as I'm different with every partner. What I like with some is different from what I like with others. I tend to make things up as I go along depending on their reaction. |
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Perhaps have the discussion beforehand, away from sex.
Most people want to please a partner so welcome pointers provided they aren't seen as criticism.
"I don't like it when you do x", is less well received than "I love it when you do y!" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Maybe my wording isn't great but I did put....
'Where you need to communicate quite a bit at first before totally submitting or entering into certain scenes.'
Which I thought would say that I'm having conversations beforehand and that does include sex.
But you can't convey all in conversations can you.
Let's take a basic thing ..a man touching a woman or vice versa, you can't describe how hard or how gentle or exactly which speed. To show someone or put their hand there and do it gives them more by the feel then words can right?
But is that being dominant?
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This is a very good question PW and thank you for posting this as I’ve been recently thinking a lot about it.
My biggest issue is communication, always has been, as I struggle to express myself not only through words and feelings but also I have a language barrier that doesn’t help.
As others have already mentioned, communication is crucial.
I have no answer for your question other than that but I’m bookmarking this post to read other people’s responses. |
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"Maybe my wording isn't great but I did put....
'Where you need to communicate quite a bit at first before totally submitting or entering into certain scenes.'
Which I thought would say that I'm having conversations beforehand and that does include sex.
But you can't convey all in conversations can you.
Let's take a basic thing ..a man touching a woman or vice versa, you can't describe how hard or how gentle or exactly which speed. To show someone or put their hand there and do it gives them more by the feel then words can right?
But is that being dominant?
"
If before, you have told them this is what you will do it will be expected. Still be positive about it. |
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"I've used the word teaching as I'm struggling to come up with a better one.
But how exactly do you 'teach' someone what you like or what you're into without being labelled dominant?
You can't always describe in words and sometimes you need to 'show' someone. But I've found when I try to do this I can get called dominant. I don't think I'm being dominating, but the other person views that way. I can then feel a reluctance to say or do anything as I feel misunderstood ..maybe.
Sometimes I think the other person just feels a knock to their confidence and hits back with saying I'm dominant in an attempt to lessen me, other times it fees like a reaction because they aren't getting their way, and other times it feels like I am just a bit too scary as I'm not afraid to say something nice know I can be direct at times.
Anyone else relate to this?
I'd like to hear it from both sides.
And I'm coming at this from a submissive/BDSM point of view too. Where you need to communicate quite a bit at first before totally submitting or entering into certain scenes. To communicate confidently as a submissive doesn't mean you're not submissive.
I imagine most will question my tone of voice and choice of wording.
"
Sounds to me like its about the other person insecurities rather than been dominant.
We are a D/s couple and when we first got together we spent night after night talking about our likes, we would then slowly build our play and kink around those, not been afraid to tell the other if something wasn't quite to their liking. I would never see it as topping from the bottom if she was to say 'I prefer it like this' or 'can you just change that bit slightly', it is not dominant behaviour at all, just showing you can communicate properly.
I would go as far to say as the 'dominant' partner in this scenario isn't in fact dominant at all and probably using the tag to get laid, all too common on the kink scene sadly and they always get found out. |
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As a Domme I don't have an issue with people telling me what they want, I will often start slowly and gently then build up the pace/impact.
For me it's important that they're enjoying the scene as much as I am, it doesn't make them dominant in any way. I still have the control. |
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By *nimal007Couple
over a year ago
Manchester |
From a non bdsm perspective I have always appreciated any "feedback" or "directions" given by a partner. I figure (certainly for the first few times) they know their body better than me. I think at first exploration is key and showing/telling each other what's good and what isn't is vital to everyone enjoying the experience. I personally get no enjoyment if the person I am with clearly isn't getting ehat they want out of it. Mutual pleasure always  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Communication Communication Communication and then a bit more to finish.
It's always easier to creep out to the deep waters whilst always checking the depth. Jump in far too quickly and people can panic, lay blame on others due to feeling inadequate or inexperienced.
Ultimately, its down to compatibility, the more niche your interests and tastes, the harder it is to find someone that stirs you in the right ways.
Usually, I find it best to ask why they're acting a certain way and what the desired outcome is.
If its legitimate, facilitate. Illegitimate. Do the opposite.
That's more fun. |
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I don't think I have the right words as I'm tired. But I started off as passive before I really thought about labels and BDSM. O had to learn to be assertive but I don't think I fit into a submissive box at neatly as I'm supposed to I did have to learn how to communicate my needs and wants. This being labelled as dominant for me doesn't go down well.  it takes a strong person to dominate me , if they are insecure it won't work.
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"I've used the word teaching as I'm struggling to come up with a better one.
But how exactly do you 'teach' someone what you like or what you're into without being labelled dominant?
You can't always describe in words and sometimes you need to 'show' someone. But I've found when I try to do this I can get called dominant. I don't think I'm being dominating, but the other person views that way. I can then feel a reluctance to say or do anything as I feel misunderstood ..maybe.
Sometimes I think the other person just feels a knock to their confidence and hits back with saying I'm dominant in an attempt to lessen me, other times it fees like a reaction because they aren't getting their way, and other times it feels like I am just a bit too scary as I'm not afraid to say something nice know I can be direct at times.
Anyone else relate to this?
I'd like to hear it from both sides.
And I'm coming at this from a submissive/BDSM point of view too. Where you need to communicate quite a bit at first before totally submitting or entering into certain scenes. To communicate confidently as a submissive doesn't mean you're not submissive.
I imagine most will question my tone of voice and choice of wording.
"
I absolutely love it when someone tells/shows me what they like - and it's selfish too, because it gives me the opportunity to learn and improve myself and hopefully make that experience memorable for them. In a sense, the fact that they're doing this means they actually want a good time with me, and that's just hot! Can't speak to the BDSM labels, as I find they're too reductive anyway - it's clear from the post that people have wildly different definitions of what 'domination' means, at which point there's no value. |
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By *vilgasamWoman
over a year ago
The dot in the i |
Being assertive in knowing what you like isn’t dominating, it’s just knowing what you enjoy
Others assuming and labelling you as dominant just for speaking what you like isn’t on you to change yourself to fit, it’s on them to understand and learn the difference themselves
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By *eartsmanMan
over a year ago
southeast , midlands, southern France |
"I've used the word teaching as I'm struggling to come up with a better one.
But how exactly do you 'teach' someone what you like or what you're into without being labelled dominant?
You can't always describe in words and sometimes you need to 'show' someone. But I've found when I try to do this I can get called dominant. I don't think I'm being dominating, but the other person views that way. I can then feel a reluctance to say or do anything as I feel misunderstood ..maybe.
Sometimes I think the other person just feels a knock to their confidence and hits back with saying I'm dominant in an attempt to lessen me, other times it fees like a reaction because they aren't getting their way, and other times it feels like I am just a bit too scary as I'm not afraid to say something nice know I can be direct at times.
Anyone else relate to this?
I'd like to hear it from both sides.
And I'm coming at this from a submissive/BDSM point of view too. Where you need to communicate quite a bit at first before totally submitting or entering into certain scenes. To communicate confidently as a submissive doesn't mean you're not submissive.
I imagine most will question my tone of voice and choice of wording.
"
Well I like to think it's all about communication, and trust in eachother, I think if myself as being naturally Dominant, but that doesn't mean I'm always that way, I actually find it quite erotic when you can switch, teaching as you put it OP, (and I have to admit probably the best way to discribe it) is about have patients and trust , |
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"...
Let's take a basic thing ..a man touching a woman or vice versa, you can't describe how hard or how gentle or exactly which speed. To show someone or put their hand there and do it gives them more by the feel then words can right?
But is that being dominant?
"
In my view: No, that is communicating desire and to be welcomed. |
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"I've used the word teaching as I'm struggling to come up with a better one.
But how exactly do you 'teach' someone what you like or what you're into without being labelled dominant?
You can't always describe in words and sometimes you need to 'show' someone. But I've found when I try to do this I can get called dominant. I don't think I'm being dominating, but the other person views that way. I can then feel a reluctance to say or do anything as I feel misunderstood ..maybe.
Sometimes I think the other person just feels a knock to their confidence and hits back with saying I'm dominant in an attempt to lessen me, other times it fees like a reaction because they aren't getting their way, and other times it feels like I am just a bit too scary as I'm not afraid to say something nice know I can be direct at times.
Anyone else relate to this?
I'd like to hear it from both sides.
And I'm coming at this from a submissive/BDSM point of view too. Where you need to communicate quite a bit at first before totally submitting or entering into certain scenes. To communicate confidently as a submissive doesn't mean you're not submissive.
I imagine most will question my tone of voice and choice of wording.
I absolutely love it when someone tells/shows me what they like - and it's selfish too, because it gives me the opportunity to learn and improve myself and hopefully make that experience memorable for them. In a sense, the fact that they're doing this means they actually want a good time with me, and that's just hot! Can't speak to the BDSM labels, as I find they're too reductive anyway - it's clear from the post that people have wildly different definitions of what 'domination' means, at which point there's no value."
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The conversation for me has to feel mutual, regardless of the desired dynamic.
I tend historically, to be more comfortable with bratty subs or switches as I feel reassured by the potential visceral feedback.
On the other hand I am talking to someone at the moment, relatively new. Likely to meet soon. Who says she is submissive and non-bratty: she is very forthright about her desires in conversation, which I appreciate. She said something to the effect of: 'believe me there's many more ways of communicating with a Dom in the moment than being bratty.' Her language is very direct and certain. I am sure some would find that threatening; personally, I love it.
And that's the line for me. I feel comfortable that she understands my needs in terms of communication. It feels like that is mutual. I don't need to break that down into finer details at this point, which means there's space for spontaneity and exploration.
Being Dom is a primal thing for me, when it's there I feel myself circling a sub like prey, she has to respond to that positively, or it stalls.
I don't get there without understanding how my partner ticks. So yeah in a way she needs to teach me how she works. And feel comfortable that how I work will blend with that. I don't see the issue with the word. The clearer the communication the better in my opinion.
I think the other person is missing the point. Why wouldn't you want your partner to feel comfortable communicating? It is a very trusting action to submit. It seems peculiar to me, to get hung up on semantics, when such a moment occurs. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I've used the word teaching as I'm struggling to come up with a better one.
But how exactly do you 'teach' someone what you like or what you're into without being labelled dominant?
You can't always describe in words and sometimes you need to 'show' someone. But I've found when I try to do this I can get called dominant. I don't think I'm being dominating, but the other person views that way. I can then feel a reluctance to say or do anything as I feel misunderstood ..maybe.
*** Sometimes I think the other person just feels a knock to their confidence and hits back with saying I'm dominant in an attempt to lessen me, other times it fees like a reaction because they aren't getting their way, ***
and other times it feels like I am just a bit too scary as I'm not afraid to say something nice know I can be direct at times.
Anyone else relate to this?
I'd like to hear it from both sides.
And I'm coming at this from a submissive/BDSM point of view too. Where you need to communicate quite a bit at first before totally submitting or entering into certain scenes. To communicate confidently as a submissive doesn't mean you're not submissive.
I imagine most will question my tone of voice and choice of wording.
"
*** This.
If they get pissy about it then it's their problem. If they have confidence issues that's fine and we can work together... unless they are trying to make it my fault, then they can fuck off.
If someone is bitching about a sub wanting to discuss their limits/ likes/ dislikes, I would avoid them like the plague. I would not trust them whatsoever. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"The conversation for me has to feel mutual, regardless of the desired dynamic.
I tend historically, to be more comfortable with bratty subs or switches as I feel reassured by the potential visceral feedback.
On the other hand I am talking to someone at the moment, relatively new. Likely to meet soon. Who says she is submissive and non-bratty: she is very forthright about her desires in conversation, which I appreciate. She said something to the effect of: 'believe me there's many more ways of communicating with a Dom in the moment than being bratty.' Her language is very direct and certain. I am sure some would find that threatening; personally, I love it.
And that's the line for me. I feel comfortable that she understands my needs in terms of communication. It feels like that is mutual. I don't need to break that down into finer details at this point, which means there's space for spontaneity and exploration.
Being Dom is a primal thing for me, when it's there I feel myself circling a sub like prey, she has to respond to that positively, or it stalls.
I don't get there without understanding how my partner ticks. So yeah in a way she needs to teach me how she works. And feel comfortable that how I work will blend with that. I don't see the issue with the word. The clearer the communication the better in my opinion.
I think the other person is missing the point. Why wouldn't you want your partner to feel comfortable communicating? It is a very trusting action to submit. It seems peculiar to me, to get hung up on semantics, when such a moment occurs."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I know the first time a partner told me what they wanted after sex I took it quite badly, as criticism, assuming that I had done everything wrong. Now, much older I actually ask what they like and what turns them on, and it is so much more fun and rewarding
(*honestly, male insecurity) |
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By *ruceyyMan
over a year ago
London |
"I've used the word teaching as I'm struggling to come up with a better one.
But how exactly do you 'teach' someone what you like or what you're into without being labelled dominant?
You can't always describe in words and sometimes you need to 'show' someone. But I've found when I try to do this I can get called dominant. I don't think I'm being dominating, but the other person views that way. I can then feel a reluctance to say or do anything as I feel misunderstood ..maybe.
Sometimes I think the other person just feels a knock to their confidence and hits back with saying I'm dominant in an attempt to lessen me, other times it fees like a reaction because they aren't getting their way, and other times it feels like I am just a bit too scary as I'm not afraid to say something nice know I can be direct at times.
Anyone else relate to this?
I'd like to hear it from both sides.
And I'm coming at this from a submissive/BDSM point of view too. Where you need to communicate quite a bit at first before totally submitting or entering into certain scenes. To communicate confidently as a submissive doesn't mean you're not submissive.
I imagine most will question my tone of voice and choice of wording.
"
Don't worry about it just tell me what to do PW
*PW replies fuck off* |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I've used the word teaching as I'm struggling to come up with a better one.
But how exactly do you 'teach' someone what you like or what you're into without being labelled dominant?
You can't always describe in words and sometimes you need to 'show' someone. But I've found when I try to do this I can get called dominant. I don't think I'm being dominating, but the other person views that way. I can then feel a reluctance to say or do anything as I feel misunderstood ..maybe.
Sometimes I think the other person just feels a knock to their confidence and hits back with saying I'm dominant in an attempt to lessen me, other times it fees like a reaction because they aren't getting their way, and other times it feels like I am just a bit too scary as I'm not afraid to say something nice know I can be direct at times.
Anyone else relate to this?
I'd like to hear it from both sides.
And I'm coming at this from a submissive/BDSM point of view too. Where you need to communicate quite a bit at first before totally submitting or entering into certain scenes. To communicate confidently as a submissive doesn't mean you're not submissive.
I imagine most will question my tone of voice and choice of wording.
Don't worry about it just tell me what to do PW
*PW replies fuck off* "
Classic man autocorrect, predicts wrongly what he thought the woman would say and speaks for her so cock sure of himself.....
It was way stronger than that, get it right for god's sake. |
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By *ruceyyMan
over a year ago
London |
"I've used the word teaching as I'm struggling to come up with a better one.
But how exactly do you 'teach' someone what you like or what you're into without being labelled dominant?
You can't always describe in words and sometimes you need to 'show' someone. But I've found when I try to do this I can get called dominant. I don't think I'm being dominating, but the other person views that way. I can then feel a reluctance to say or do anything as I feel misunderstood ..maybe.
Sometimes I think the other person just feels a knock to their confidence and hits back with saying I'm dominant in an attempt to lessen me, other times it fees like a reaction because they aren't getting their way, and other times it feels like I am just a bit too scary as I'm not afraid to say something nice know I can be direct at times.
Anyone else relate to this?
I'd like to hear it from both sides.
And I'm coming at this from a submissive/BDSM point of view too. Where you need to communicate quite a bit at first before totally submitting or entering into certain scenes. To communicate confidently as a submissive doesn't mean you're not submissive.
I imagine most will question my tone of voice and choice of wording.
Don't worry about it just tell me what to do PW
*PW replies fuck off*
Classic man autocorrect, predicts wrongly what he thought the woman would say and speaks for her so cock sure of himself.....
It was way stronger than that, get it right for god's sake."
I'm glad I live up to the gender |
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We need to have the conversation to find out what we enjoy. Nobody wants to be a kink dispenser and Dominance is not necessarily a bad thing. Within agreed limits I can really enjoy being told what to do, it's reaching the agreement first that's important. It's a bit late once I'm fully restrained  |
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