FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > Are you happy to be a ‘backup’ ?
Are you happy to be a ‘backup’ ?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I got some verbals last night from a fem I met socially recently. Asked me to spend the weekend with her in a hotel as the guy she was meant to meet, turned her down as she has a sinus infection.
So, lucky me got the invite…
I said no, not for the sinus infection, but as I’m not the backup kinda person.
As we are all different, what would you have done?  |
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I'd have turned her down for the sinus infection I think. But not for being a backup - like getting a job when the no 1 candidate accepts something else. You know she sleeps with others, it's competitive, and if it would have been fun...
That said, could depend on how she put it! ("Fancy a quick shag? No one else around who'll put up with my infection.") |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I got some verbals last night from a fem I met socially recently. Asked me to spend the weekend with her in a hotel as the guy she was meant to meet, turned her down as she has a sinus infection.
So, lucky me got the invite…
I said no, not for the sinus infection, but as I’m not the backup kinda person.
As we are all different, what would you have done? "
I also would of turned them down for both reasons |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Depends - if the woman already had the meet planned before I came on the scene the sure it’s totally understandable and acceptable for the prior arrangements to take priority.
But if someone said to me “hmm I can’t decide between you and this other person. I’ll let you know” then I’d make that decision for them and remove myself as an option. I’m not desperate |
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By *lexV16Man
over a year ago
Welling |
"I got some verbals last night from a fem I met socially recently. Asked me to spend the weekend with her in a hotel as the guy she was meant to meet, turned her down as she has a sinus infection.
So, lucky me got the invite…
I said no, not for the sinus infection, but as I’m not the backup kinda person.
As we are all different, what would you have done? "
I’d do the same. I am not a backup. If I am not chosen as first option better not to tell me that |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m conflicted. I’d appreciate the honesty, but who wants to be 2nd choice? I think if it suited my plans anyway I’d meet, but I wouldn’t change them for it. |
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I won't ask someone to be a back up if I'm let down.
I might arrange to meet someone else instead at that time and in a complete different place etc.
She might be asking as she might have already paid and unable to get a refund.
If that was the case for me, I would go to hotel alone and have a relaxing chilled evening alone.
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I think it depend if you can remove emotion from understanding things pragmatically. Something I suspect guys tend to better than women. Not so much because it's an inate guy thing, more due with different nature of opportunities and dating patterns as a male.
When you remove the emotion what are we here for? Do we accept the we won't be everyones first choice (as others aren't ours)? However do we accept that people would still want us if even if we were not their first choice? Or simply others may have simply come along first before us? Surely we understand that life is busy, plans change and things fall through? If we do accept this why let emotions and egos cock block us from something both parties desire? Part of the joy of swinging is variety and flexibility.
I would say a bit of it depends how others go about it of course. Much prefer if some is clear and open about the situation and where they're at than in a snidy way. Honesty and not being fucked about is really important.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I once had someone say they'd pop round but had to be a quick meet as they were going to the pub to watch football. Now usually I like a bit of "fuck and go" it was the oversharing that made me reject his kind offer.
Never prioritise anyone who treats you as an option is my fab mantra. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it all depends on the situation and how we would be asked
If someone had a meet planned with someone else and we hadn't been an option in the first place (maybe not spoken before it was arranged or maybe talk hadn't got round to that point yet) and they contacted us and said they'd had a meeting fall through are you free, then yes we'd be very interested to go
But if they had put someone before us knowing we wanted to meet them as soon as possible but they chose the other people, then no we wouldn't meet them as that's when we'd feel second best |
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"I once had someone say they'd pop round but had to be a quick meet as they were going to the pub to watch football. Now usually I like a bit of "fuck and go" it was the oversharing that made me reject his kind offer.
Never prioritise anyone who treats you as an option is my fab mantra. "
All in the presentation, isn't it?!
Returning to the first post - did the woman have to mention that her date had fallen through? |
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By *aizyWoman
over a year ago
west midlands |
No, I wouldn't want to be someones back up plan, and I wouldn't treat someone as my back up plan. If I plan to meet someone its because I really want to meet them and no one else, if it falls through for any reason I don't have someone else waiting in the wings. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Depends - if the woman already had the meet planned before I came on the scene the sure it’s totally understandable and acceptable for the prior arrangements to take priority.
But if someone said to me “hmm I can’t decide between you and this other person. I’ll let you know” then I’d make that decision for them and remove myself as an option. I’m not desperate "
This. |
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Wouldn't bother me at all if depending on the exact words and tone. Sinus infection sounds more a problem.
Look at this way - out of hundreds if not thousands of people relatively close you'd be number 2 In the Olympics you get a silver medal for that
Many people in the swinging world have sex with lots of people and juggle calendars and plans and great if any chance with somebody you click with. It's sex and not a relationship. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I got some verbals last night from a fem I met socially recently. Asked me to spend the weekend with her in a hotel as the guy she was meant to meet, turned her down as she has a sinus infection.
So, lucky me got the invite…
I said no, not for the sinus infection, but as I’m not the backup kinda person.
As we are all different, what would you have done? "
At the end of the day, if it's just for some fun sex then who cares if you're first, second, whatever choice. But - if she's unwell - THAT is the deal breaker for me. You don't want to spend a weekend with someone who's ill, then catch it yourself tbh
Mrs |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I once had someone say they'd pop round but had to be a quick meet as they were going to the pub to watch football. Now usually I like a bit of "fuck and go" it was the oversharing that made me reject his kind offer.
Never prioritise anyone who treats you as an option is my fab mantra.
All in the presentation, isn't it?!
Returning to the first post - did the woman have to mention that her date had fallen through?"
Fun time could have been had if she'd kept stoom about it. Sinus infection permitting. |
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"I think it all depends on the situation and how we would be asked
If someone had a meet planned with someone else and we hadn't been an option in the first place (maybe not spoken before it was arranged or maybe talk hadn't got round to that point yet) and they contacted us and said they'd had a meeting fall through are you free, then yes we'd be very interested to go
But if they had put someone before us knowing we wanted to meet them as soon as possible but they chose the other people, then no we wouldn't meet them as that's when we'd feel second best"
Agree with this! |
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By *oxy jWoman
over a year ago
taunton somerset |
if she was let down and then looked for someone else i see no wrong in that to me a back up is when someone ask you to back up if the meet falls through before hand not after ...
i would have turn her down on the fact shes not feeling well who wants to catch that ...once had a guy turn up for a meet with a full blown cold erm no chance and you see them in clubs sometimes yuk really ?? cant they think of others very selfish i think |
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A weekend in a hotel is a great invitation! The fact you were first ‘second choice’ speaks volumes with how she regards you, and she’s probably not short of people to invite either!
I would have gone, she was open about the situation   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As we are all different, what would you have done? "
She is obviously not in a relationship with you or the other person. She might have been well on the way to agreeing to the meet with the other person before your verbal and socials with her.
You were not the backup. You were someone else she was willing to meet out of who knows who else and gave you the option.
If this person was on fab you might need to weigh up what you're expecting from other members on a swinging site. If she was on a 'dating' app then remember they are hook-up apps first and foremost, and in a world of supply and demand - the girls control the supply. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I got some verbals last night from a fem I met socially recently. Asked me to spend the weekend with her in a hotel as the guy she was meant to meet, turned her down as she has a sinus infection.
So, lucky me got the invite…
I said no, not for the sinus infection, but as I’m not the backup kinda person.
As we are all different, what would you have done? "
Would you have went if she wasn't honest though?
I don't know if I've been anyones back up plan they haven't told me.
I certainly haven't asked anyone else to be one.
Though I have asked to meet socially in the past if I've been let down last minute.
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From the way I read this she has organised a meet and the guy has said no, she has got in touch with you and your having a chat and she says she was supposed to meet this guy but has said no to her but asks you if you want to meet her. For me then I don't think your a back up, she is looking for fun and been let down so she is asking if you want to meet for some fun, it's what we are here for so I would have gone for it |
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