FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > Reaching out for genuine advice
Reaching out for genuine advice
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I have decided to post on the forums for the 1st time. I often come online to read the forums so I kind of know what to expect.
I’m married and have been happy helping bringing up my family but there is always a bit.
I have only ever slept with my wife. We have been together a long time. Sadly my wife has no interest in sex never has. When we do sleep together which is rare she will always say something like I will do it for you. We have talked and talked but with no success.
A few years pre covid I was on a long journey there was an accident on the motorway and traffic was diverted, moving at a snails pace I passed a swingers club. I don’t know what got into me but I had a rush of blood and ended up parking up and going in. I have never been more terrified. I lack confidence and self esteem at the best of times so going through the door of a sex club was something I never imagined doing.
There was no reason for me to worry, it was nothing like I expected. After I had got over the sensory overload of seeing so many sexy people of all shapes and sizes and got chatting to people my nerves disappeared. The strange thing was all my lack of confidence and low self esteem just vanished. I have never felt so relaxed and at peace in my entire life. I did nothing but chat but found myself returning to clubs, never having full sex but enjoying wonderful times with amazing people. I did feel guilty but the feeling was just so addictive.
Covid came along and everything stoped. It kind of helped me find a soloution to my question should I stop this but that feeling just doesn’t leave you.
Before anyone says I should talk to my wife, I have I did not tell her about the clubs but I did suggest we join fab and see where it leads and we got as far as having a profile and putting a few pictures up but it just made her feel so uncomfortable I closed the profile down.
I’m not attention seeking or looking for pity. I in know way want to hurt or lose the person I have spent my entire life with but I have discovered a world which is just so liberating and empowering. I have been trying to figure out in my head what to do but I just can’t make any sense of it if I’m being honest it’s making me I’ll.
I appreciate that this is not your typical forum post but I would be really grateful if anyone can offer advice or have been in a similar situation.
You don’t need to post anything hateful about married guys. Trust me I do that enough about myself.
Thank you.
B. |
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I think you need to have a real, honest and genuine conversation with your wife. Nothing good comes out of keeping secrets. But you'll also need to respect her response. And if its not what you're looking for, then you'll need to think about long term whats most important to you. |
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I do not think you have anything to feeling guilty about. You have needs and your wife is not interested in sex.
Maybe you should talk to her and tell her you are thinking about having sex elsewhere. She may be happy with that. At the moment you are stuck in a rut. Maybe put it to her gently, she may agree and this could help your relationship |
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I have had my own similar issue, but it's medical and not lack of interest. I now have a couple that act as my owners to regulate my activities and make sure I am safe, as a partner would normally do. It was literally a million to one that I found the right people after many months of not having a real connection, I hope you manage to get the right level of guidance either directly from your partner or a surrogate couple like I did. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I have had my own similar issue, but it's medical and not lack of interest. I now have a couple that act as my owners to regulate my activities and make sure I am safe, as a partner would normally do. It was literally a million to one that I found the right people after many months of not having a real connection, I hope you manage to get the right level of guidance either directly from your partner or a surrogate couple like I did. "
That’s really fascinating I would love to know more |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’m not sure. She has said go to a club but more in anger"
Why did you marry her if she doesn't want sex?
Presumably she believed you were fine with that situation. Why did you lie? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’m not sure. She has said go to a club but more in anger
Why did you marry her if she doesn't want sex?
Presumably she believed you were fine with that situation. Why did you lie?"
It’s far more complex than that. Our children always came first so all our energy went into them. Sex was not on the top of the agenda but that’s changed when they left home.
Also it’s only in recent years I have felt confident in myself to express my feelings and needs. |
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"I’m not sure. She has said go to a club but more in anger
Why did you marry her if she doesn't want sex?
Presumably she believed you were fine with that situation. Why did you lie?
It’s far more complex than that. Our children always came first so all our energy went into them. Sex was not on the top of the agenda but that’s changed when they left home.
Also it’s only in recent years I have felt confident in myself to express my feelings and needs."
So you've changed rather than her?
I think the only way anything is ever resolved is by talking. Maybe the two of you could go to couples counselling? |
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"I have had my own similar issue, but it's medical and not lack of interest. I now have a couple that act as my owners to regulate my activities and make sure I am safe, as a partner would normally do. It was literally a million to one that I found the right people after many months of not having a real connection, I hope you manage to get the right level of guidance either directly from your partner or a surrogate couple like I did.
That’s really fascinating I would love to know more"
PMd you my Kik, genuine help and compassion is in short supply |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My opinion for what it's worth is yes, you can talk to a partner but they also have to be willing to listen. If were me, I'd appreciate a frank discussion, not in anger, laying out what his needs are compared to mine. If they can't be met at home, he should be honest about it and say he will be very discreet so as not to attract unwanted attention but will plan to go outside the relationship. If i felt I couldnt accept this then we both have a decision to make but from a clear understanding. Sex is about more than sex, it's feeling wanted/attractive/desired. |
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By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago
Calderdale innit |
"I think you need to have a real, honest and genuine conversation with your wife. Nothing good comes out of keeping secrets. But you'll also need to respect her response. And if its not what you're looking for, then you'll need to think about long term whats most important to you. "
I think this is spot on  |
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"Sex is about more than sex, it's feeling wanted/attractive/desired. "
This, a million times over, pump & dump is not satisfying at all, I need to feel the intimacy, the desire and I give that as much as I crave it for myself. |
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Unfortunately the only way to resolve this is through communication. Every new relationship I have been in, eventually I have to tell them about my crossdressing as I don’t believe in keeping it a secret.
In every relationship that she was Ok with it, eventually it would take a back seat and if I wanted to do ‘my thing’ I was told just get on with it. I may have the desire or need to crossdress but it’s not the most important thing in her life.
And neither should it be, she’s her own person with her own wants and needs. But every good relationship should acknowledge these needs and wherever possible allow each other space to explore them. But that only comes from talking about it.
So talk or leave, it’s your life after all.
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What a heartfelt and interesting write-up OP. Much crucial info missing so don't think any of us could give specific advice. But in general you have a few options:
a) continue your swinging journey in secret, effectively having a double life and putting effort into shielding your wife from all of it. Doesn't sound like this is a feasible option for you as you say you are not coping so well with the compartmentalising.
b) give up on any extramarital shenanigans, putting your swinging adventures behind you. To do this you'll need to find some other effective outlet for your sexuality, I don't think self-discipline is enough to make a change like this.
c) ask your wife to go to couples counseling with you, to determine what solution or new balance could be worked out between you. Sounds like your children are adults now, so not a bad time to revisit your own relationship as two individuals and renew the agreements of your partnership (or if you find you're not as suited anymore, not a bad time to go your separate ways while you both have some time ahead of you).
Sidenote though, how could you suggest to her you got a couple's profile even thought you weren't sexual together? How come she even accepted to have a look? Perhaps time to give some attention to her own sexual needs and desires and see if you'd been missing things. |
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Sorry but everyone deserves honesty. Tell her everything and see if you can work something out. You never know she may surprise you and you may both come up with a solution together. If not go your separate ways and stop lying to her.
Mr |
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"My opinion for what it's worth is yes, you can talk to a partner but they also have to be willing to listen. If were me, I'd appreciate a frank discussion, not in anger, laying out what his needs are compared to mine. If they can't be met at home, he should be honest about it and say he will be very discreet so as not to attract unwanted attention but will plan to go outside the relationship. If i felt I couldnt accept this then we both have a decision to make but from a clear understanding. Sex is about more than sex, it's feeling wanted/attractive/desired. "
I like this answer, its easy to say you need to talk to your partner but if your partner doesn't want to listen and doesn't want to make a change what then?
Constantly being denied intimacy with your partner and being made to feel undesirable even if it isn't intentional can be very damaging to our confidence and willingness to open up to them.
Only you OP can decide whats best but willing to listen or not she deserves to know how you are feeling and you deserve to feel heard and wanted again at the very least. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’m not sure. She has said go to a club but more in anger
Why did you marry her if she doesn't want sex?
Presumably she believed you were fine with that situation. Why did you lie?
It’s far more complex than that. Our children always came first so all our energy went into them. Sex was not on the top of the agenda but that’s changed when they left home.
Also it’s only in recent years I have felt confident in myself to express my feelings and needs."
Not sure what the question is then. Talk... if she won't talk then leave or carry on going to clubs and fucking other people. Just make sure she doesn't find out. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My opinion for what it's worth is yes, you can talk to a partner but they also have to be willing to listen. If were me, I'd appreciate a frank discussion, not in anger, laying out what his needs are compared to mine. If they can't be met at home, he should be honest about it and say he will be very discreet so as not to attract unwanted attention but will plan to go outside the relationship. If i felt I couldnt accept this then we both have a decision to make but from a clear understanding. Sex is about more than sex, it's feeling wanted/attractive/desired. "
I think you have hit the nail on the head for me. It’s not the case of just wanting sex I want to feel desired. My wife feels for me, she has told me many times. People have been very kind on here to take the time to offer advice I guess I need to work it out for myself |
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By *irginieWoman
over a year ago
Near Marlborough |
As with all the more serious advice posts eventually you will hear what you want to hear. However the only thing that matters is the feelings of the two people involved. Nothing anyone says here is relevant or helpful.
You must decide what you want and need and try to be honest and find a solution that works. You may decide to not pursue if the stakes are too high. Or perhaps you will. But only you can decide.
Life is difficult and sometimes choices can be tough. But others have the right to make a choice … if you lie then you take that choice away.
V x |
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By *batMan
over a year ago
Alicante, Spain. (Sometimes in Wales) |
I'm keen to know a little bit more about that fateful motorway journey.
What motorway were you on and how did you see the swingers club? Did it have a big sign or something?
Which club was it?
This is really interesting stuff OP, thanks for posting.
Gbat |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm keen to know a little bit more about that fateful motorway journey.
What motorway were you on and how did you see the swingers club? Did it have a big sign or something?
Which club was it?
This is really interesting stuff OP, thanks for posting.
Gbat "
Of course yes. I was driving from Preston to Leeds. There was an accident on the motorway near Manchester traffic was being diverted and I ended up in Eccles going past Adam and Eves. I know about the club because a friend at work told me he used to go and what he got upto at the club. I was going through a really rough time and when I saw it and it looked nothing from the outside something in my snapped and I just pulled round the corner parked up and walked round to the front door before I knew it I was inside. When I was let in I was meet by a lady at reception stood next to me was a attractive lady in black lingerie and stockings. I could not keep my eyes off her and when she smiled and said hello I was speechless. I could see into the lounge area and there was a mix of couples and men. I was directed upstairs to the changing area. I walked up the stairs and could hear moans and screams. The changing room was on the right I think and the moans were coming from down the corridor. I could not help myself and had to go and look. Honestly for me I had never seen anything like it in my life. 3 women and about 5 men all in a pile on a big bed having sex. |
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Tricky situation to be in and going by what you've said you've probably tried a lot and more harder than the majority of the Love rats on here.
If it's a no-go swinging wise with your wife or you can't get permission then you may have to pick what's more important to you? May not be an easy decision but life isn't always easy.
The worst thing you can do though is do something behind her back.
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