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Sex anxiety / sexual performance anxiety
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By *agic.M OP Man
over a year ago
Orpington |
Ever felt so nervous about sex that an overwhelming fear just grips around you making you feel numb and heavy just thinking about it? Ever felt afraid that you are not good enough as a sexual partner? Ever felt as your previous sexual experiences were so fucking amazing that you think you would never be able to "perform" to that degree again? Performance anxiety affects men and women different (for women it might be the fear of not producing sufficient lubricant or not being "tight" enough, or not being able to orgasm / for men it's the fear of not having an erection or maintaining an erection or premature ejaculation) ...either way it comes down to the fear of not being good enough as a sexual partner. There is definitely a stigma attached to this and many people probably are experiencing it (including on fab) to some degree, but are not comfortable speaking about it... so to combat that stigma I would like to tell you my story...
2-3 weeks ago I had a couple of meets that were just amazing, the sex was great and by the end of it my partners were just basking in satisfaction (which I am sure all can understand how strong of an external validation that can be). So it was great ! Fast forward to last week and had another meet with one of them, a shorter one during lunch time one this occasion as that was our availability...and for the first part everything was amazing, until half way through this little voices in my head was like " you won't be as good as last time"  and it just froze me for a minute, had to pause and recollect myself...we continued and than after another 5-10 minutes again this doubt in my head "no she is not feeling it " (although that wasn't the case, it was just in my mind) and than it became like a snowball effect with a tornado of thoughts all making me feel like I wasn't good enough  . It got so worse that even just thinking about it just overwhelms me with fear (like full on panic attacks). I was invited to a meeting on the 30th by someone new, but I had to be honest with her and tell her I'm not in a good mindset and I am actually afraid I might dissapoint (she was very understanding about it and she even said nothing needs to happen if I don't feel.like it...which honestly I appreciate so much) . I also spoken to my fwb about it and she was also understanding and supportive ( which shows that most people will understand and be more supportive than we give them credit for).
Now, why I am struggling with this? I had to do some soul searching and I feel like (overall) we are just bombarded with unrealistic sex scenarios, which just makes us feel like we are never gonna be good enough...even on fab when you look at the hot pics section it's like a compilation of snippets of the most amazing sex ever to be recorded. I also feel as my profile and verifications showcase a certain image that I always have to present, which can be very exhausting at times, feeling as the women that do want me (sexually) have also expectations and I can't dossapint.
Anxiety has always been something I have struggled with, mix that in with low self esteem (and yes even tho I look the way I look- I have huge self esteem issues, which I am working on) ...however on fab it's like sometimes people don't see beyond the image and the idea they have of you in their mind, and maybe this is part why I want a more intimate connection with my partners, so that they can see the real me, with flaws and fears  .
Anyways this has been quite a long one and I am not asking for advice, I am more just expressing it/ talking about it and hopefully if anyone else here is going through it, please know you're not alone and please don't be too hard on yourself! You're human and you are allowed to have human flaws  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I see you, man. 
I get anxious about sexual performance all the time. "
But I also have bad anxiety like you say. Can’t really say much more than I see you. |
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"Ever felt so nervous about sex that an overwhelming fear just grips around you making you feel numb and heavy just thinking about it? Ever felt afraid that you are not good enough as a sexual partner? Ever felt as your previous sexual experiences were so fucking amazing that you think you would never be able to "perform" to that degree again? "
No
I don't see sex as some kind of carefully choreographed routine with no out of time steps.
It's often clumsy, silly, messy...but it still feels nice when doing it.
Especially with men who have a similar outlook |
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By *agic.M OP Man
over a year ago
Orpington |
"Ever felt so nervous about sex that an overwhelming fear just grips around you making you feel numb and heavy just thinking about it? Ever felt afraid that you are not good enough as a sexual partner? Ever felt as your previous sexual experiences were so fucking amazing that you think you would never be able to "perform" to that degree again?
No
I don't see sex as some kind of carefully choreographed routine with no out of time steps.
It's often clumsy, silly, messy...but it still feels nice when doing it.
Especially with men who have a similar outlook "
Of course  |
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This is why i hate verifications, the long drawn out descriptive ones. It could put 'pressure' on future 'meets' to live up to previous ones, and you to live up to previous ones. To me sex, and everything associated with it, is such an intimate thing so why publish it for all to see? I just don't get that part. You are putting pressure on yourself for every experience to be the same as previous. But i do think both men and women have the same anxieties sometimes to be a sex god/goddess. I just think you need to go with the flow, let it happen naturally, and don't publish verifications!  |
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"Ever felt so nervous about sex that an overwhelming fear just grips around you making you feel numb and heavy just thinking about it? Ever felt afraid that you are not good enough as a sexual partner? Ever felt as your previous sexual experiences were so fucking amazing that you think you would never be able to "perform" to that degree again?
No
I don't see sex as some kind of carefully choreographed routine with no out of time steps.
It's often clumsy, silly, messy...but it still feels nice when doing it.
Especially with men who have a similar outlook "
yay ...I wholeheartedly agree with you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is a big part of why I only meet after a generous warm up chat.
I get all my awkward purged and am ready to just immerse myself in the joy of being physically intimate.
Unless I can get to a point of comfort where there's a genuine sense of ease in their company and the mess and the 'unexpected' parts of sex won't phase me or the one I'm with, it just won't happen. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There's no need to be a perfectionist, and I think that's one thing you are inadvertently saying about yourself and hoping for in your "performance". It's like a more realistic version of the classic Forum guy who said if you can't make them squirt 3 times in 10 minutes your's not doing it right.
One thing you can't do, is the same old routine again and again because 'it works'.
Also, stop thinking it's your job to get it all right and have a thought for the person on the end of your wet willy who probably doesn't want a repeat performance, or a partner who isn't enjoying himself because he fluffed a line and it now being his own worst critic.
I doubt very much that you're being judged, so stop judging yourself. |
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By *agic.M OP Man
over a year ago
Orpington |
"There's no need to be a perfectionist, and I think that's one thing you are inadvertently saying about yourself and hoping for in your "performance". It's like a more realistic version of the classic Forum guy who said if you can't make them squirt 3 times in 10 minutes your's not doing it right.
One thing you can't do, is the same old routine again and again because 'it works'.
Also, stop thinking it's your job to get it all right and have a thought for the person on the end of your wet willy who probably doesn't want a repeat performance, or a partner who isn't enjoying himself because he fluffed a line and it now being his own worst critic.
I doubt very much that you're being judged, so stop judging yourself."
Harsh...but wise words. I respect what you said and I fully agree with it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think 90% of guys have performance anxiety at some time or other.
Mostly I have it with new partners.
So I take some performance enhancement and as a result no matter how I feel my cock will stay hard
Anxiety over all I need to do now is enjoy myself and that means my partner is having a great time as well.
Anxiety is felt by both.
If I am relaxed knowing my ability will be there then I can relax my partner too.
If you get my drift |
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I sometimes get anxiety issues when playing with others. I just drop out until I’m feeling it again and I can get back in the game.
Group play (more than two) is still relatively new, so there’s going to be times when stepping out is needed.
Everyone should be understanding…we aren’t robots. We all have our own anxieties and helping people relax is the key to performing at your best.
K |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Oh fucking yes ! All the fucking time !!
And once you got your head there, it is almost impossible to get out of this vicious circle and I can’t get it up. That’s why I prefer repeat meets with an individual than going back and forth with people I didn’t have time to get to know.
What usually helps me in those situations is to focus on my partner instead of focusing on myself. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
Totally agree with you there, we are bombarded with messages that tells what sex is or should be. To the point that we are focusing on the aspect of sex that we believe makes sex; like getting erect having and giving an orgasm that we forgot our human side and favour our animalistic one in order to (wrongly) satisfy our ego (yes we are good).
The thing is that we actually focusing on us rather on the partner in bed. Meaning that we want to perform to be able to tell ourselves that we did good ! And I believe that is where lies the issue.
We don’t want sex to discover partners, we want sex to satisfy our ego and that’s why we (as a society) struggle with performance anxiety. Some more than others unfortunately.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I get it too, its a relatively recent thing for me, but I completely get it.
Just nervous? Or find it difficult to perform? "
The nerves have stopped me meeting |
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Sex should be enjoyable and not choreographed.
Its important to have a connection with your Partner.
One night stands have there place but sex is so much better with someone you are fully comfortable. Once you are in sure the anxiety issue wont be to much of an issue. |
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"I get it too, its a relatively recent thing for me, but I completely get it.
Just nervous? Or find it difficult to perform? "
See, that word. Perform. Unless we're starring in a porno, we're not performing, nor should we feel pressured to "perform". Maybe some of the language we use around sex contributes to the anxiety and stress? |
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"I get it too, its a relatively recent thing for me, but I completely get it.
Just nervous? Or find it difficult to perform?
The nerves have stopped me meeting"
Just in clubs? Or do you try to get past the nerves with a public social meet first? |
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"I get it too, its a relatively recent thing for me, but I completely get it.
Just nervous? Or find it difficult to perform?
See, that word. Perform. Unless we're starring in a porno, we're not performing, nor should we feel pressured to "perform". Maybe some of the language we use around sex contributes to the anxiety and stress?"
It's a bad choice of words, I admit, but tricky to summarise the nuance. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Ever felt so nervous about sex that an overwhelming fear just grips around you making you feel numb and heavy just thinking about it? Ever felt afraid that you are not good enough as a sexual partner? Ever felt as your previous sexual experiences were so fucking amazing that you think you would never be able to "perform" to that degree again? Performance anxiety affects men and women different (for women it might be the fear of not producing sufficient lubricant or not being "tight" enough, or not being able to orgasm / for men it's the fear of not having an erection or maintaining an erection or premature ejaculation) ...either way it comes down to the fear of not being good enough as a sexual partner. There is definitely a stigma attached to this and many people probably are experiencing it (including on fab) to some degree, but are not comfortable speaking about it... so to combat that stigma I would like to tell you my story...
2-3 weeks ago I had a couple of meets that were just amazing, the sex was great and by the end of it my partners were just basking in satisfaction (which I am sure all can understand how strong of an external validation that can be). So it was great ! Fast forward to last week and had another meet with one of them, a shorter one during lunch time one this occasion as that was our availability...and for the first part everything was amazing, until half way through this little voices in my head was like " you won't be as good as last time" and it just froze me for a minute, had to pause and recollect myself...we continued and than after another 5-10 minutes again this doubt in my head "no she is not feeling it " (although that wasn't the case, it was just in my mind) and than it became like a snowball effect with a tornado of thoughts all making me feel like I wasn't good enough . It got so worse that even just thinking about it just overwhelms me with fear (like full on panic attacks). I was invited to a meeting on the 30th by someone new, but I had to be honest with her and tell her I'm not in a good mindset and I am actually afraid I might dissapoint (she was very understanding about it and she even said nothing needs to happen if I don't feel.like it...which honestly I appreciate so much) . I also spoken to my fwb about it and she was also understanding and supportive ( which shows that most people will understand and be more supportive than we give them credit for).
Now, why I am struggling with this? I had to do some soul searching and I feel like (overall) we are just bombarded with unrealistic sex scenarios, which just makes us feel like we are never gonna be good enough...even on fab when you look at the hot pics section it's like a compilation of snippets of the most amazing sex ever to be recorded. I also feel as my profile and verifications showcase a certain image that I always have to present, which can be very exhausting at times, feeling as the women that do want me (sexually) have also expectations and I can't dossapint.
Anxiety has always been something I have struggled with, mix that in with low self esteem (and yes even tho I look the way I look- I have huge self esteem issues, which I am working on) ...however on fab it's like sometimes people don't see beyond the image and the idea they have of you in their mind, and maybe this is part why I want a more intimate connection with my partners, so that they can see the real me, with flaws and fears .
Anyways this has been quite a long one and I am not asking for advice, I am more just expressing it/ talking about it and hopefully if anyone else here is going through it, please know you're not alone and please don't be too hard on yourself! You're human and you are allowed to have human flaws "
How very raw & honest of you sweetheart. I have total respect for you & your openness - the vast majority of us have been there - not feeling good enough/low self esteem/performance anxiety. Just be you - that’s all you can be, take a deep breath & just be in the moment. You are good enough. We are all good enough. We are all gorgeous & fulfilling in our own unique ways! xx |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"Oh fucking yes ! All the fucking time !!
And once you got your head there, it is almost impossible to get out of this vicious circle and I can’t get it up. That’s why I prefer repeat meets with an individual than going back and forth with people I didn’t have time to get to know.
What usually helps me in those situations is to focus on my partner instead of focusing on myself. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
Totally agree with you there, we are bombarded with messages that tells what sex is or should be. To the point that we are focusing on the aspect of sex that we believe makes sex; like getting erect having and giving an orgasm that we forgot our human side and favour our animalistic one in order to (wrongly) satisfy our ego (yes we are good).
The thing is that we actually focusing on us rather on the partner in bed. Meaning that we want to perform to be able to tell ourselves that we did good ! And I believe that is where lies the issue.
We don’t want sex to discover partners, we want sex to satisfy our ego and that’s why we (as a society) struggle with performance anxiety. Some more than others unfortunately.
"
I really love this post, nice one F and B. And yours OP. It's lovely to read such openness and honesty on the fora.
There's such a pressure to be this "ideal" and I'll admit, in the past I've had feelings of not being quite good enough. Not being this Meli that people put on a pinnacle and that seemed to get heightened when I had sex because it felt like I needed to be this incredible sexual goddess but not too sexual in case it ruined the cutesy image people have of me.
I'm lucky, maybe lucky isn't the right word, that I'm having sex with people who I can be really me with. Laugh in delight when a cock twitches appreciatively. Giggle when things don't go smoothly and actually bask in all my body and not worry I'm too wet or too wobbly to be having sex. It's not a performance, it's about two people coming together and enjoying that sexual journey, whatever form it may take. Embracing another person, not body in what can be quite a vulnerable, intimate and beautiful act. |
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By *lexV16Man
over a year ago
Welling |
I can relate to what you are feeling OP as sometimes I have similar feelings about my work. Will I be able to finish in time? Will be it excellent job or just good? What if the project is delayed etc etc. Like a snowball it overwhelms and I stuck on simple things doubting if I am at the right place or am I just a fraud. A bit of talk with colleagues and few times professional consultation helped me to deal with it. Not that it is not happening anymore. But now I can spot it at very early stage and I know what to do if it happens.
Luckily I don’t have it with my sex life. I am not trying to perform or impress. I am just enjoying it and let my partners do the same.
You’ve done the right thing talking about it. If you find your self in the same situation more and more - get professional help. It’s ok to see a therapist if you have mental health changes.
At the end of the day we always go to a Dentist if we have toothache, why not do the same in this situation
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Oh fucking yes ! All the fucking time !!
And once you got your head there, it is almost impossible to get out of this vicious circle and I can’t get it up. That’s why I prefer repeat meets with an individual than going back and forth with people I didn’t have time to get to know.
What usually helps me in those situations is to focus on my partner instead of focusing on myself. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.
Totally agree with you there, we are bombarded with messages that tells what sex is or should be. To the point that we are focusing on the aspect of sex that we believe makes sex; like getting erect having and giving an orgasm that we forgot our human side and favour our animalistic one in order to (wrongly) satisfy our ego (yes we are good).
The thing is that we actually focusing on us rather on the partner in bed. Meaning that we want to perform to be able to tell ourselves that we did good ! And I believe that is where lies the issue.
We don’t want sex to discover partners, we want sex to satisfy our ego and that’s why we (as a society) struggle with performance anxiety. Some more than others unfortunately.
I really love this post, nice one F and B. And yours OP. It's lovely to read such openness and honesty on the fora.
There's such a pressure to be this "ideal" and I'll admit, in the past I've had feelings of not being quite good enough. Not being this Meli that people put on a pinnacle and that seemed to get heightened when I had sex because it felt like I needed to be this incredible sexual goddess but not too sexual in case it ruined the cutesy image people have of me.
I'm lucky, maybe lucky isn't the right word, that I'm having sex with people who I can be really me with. Laugh in delight when a cock twitches appreciatively. Giggle when things don't go smoothly and actually bask in all my body and not worry I'm too wet or too wobbly to be having sex. It's not a performance, it's about two people coming together and enjoying that sexual journey, whatever form it may take. Embracing another person, not body in what can be quite a vulnerable, intimate and beautiful act."
Oh sorry almost missed that.
Yes, it sounds like you were stuck in this double consciousness, where you want to be on par with the standards of this sexual goddess imposed by society through intersubjectivity yet paying attention on how it will ruin your self image of the cute classy woman you have constructed.
Agree, the key is to find partner or partners who you can be yourself with, without inhibition, without fear of being judge if the sexual experiences do not work the way it is ‘expected’.
It is essential to find peace within yourself through interactions with others who share the same mindsets. Otherwise you set yourself to fail.
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By *rtyIanMan
over a year ago
Gateway to the Beacons |
Have a look at an app / program called Mojo, it deals with all of this and how it is related to the mind
I obviously can not put a link up in here but of anyone is interested drop me a message |
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