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Solo Polyamory - anyone got experience?
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By *inkyDuo XXX OP Couple
over a year ago
somewhere near you |
Hey. Just wondered if anyone has experience of being solo poly? Was it a positive experience? How did you handle seeing more than one person on a regular basis (not just sex but 'dating' and doing vanilla things as well)?
A (female)
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"Hey. Just wondered if anyone has experience of being solo poly? Was it a positive experience? How did you handle seeing more than one person on a regular basis (not just sex but 'dating' and doing vanilla things as well)?
A (female)
"
Its tricky as one will always want more or feel left out speaking from my experience. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hey. Just wondered if anyone has experience of being solo poly? Was it a positive experience? How did you handle seeing more than one person on a regular basis (not just sex but 'dating' and doing vanilla things as well)?
A (female)
"
Hey! Solo poly girl here!
My experience is that it takes a lot to maintain more than one relationship, but its really wonderful when it works. Polyamory brings up loads of feelings for everyone which means it forces you to comunicate well with your partners about you wants/needs/expectations etc. Everyone gets jealous sometimes (even those who "arent jealous types"), so you need to be prepared to work kindly and gently with any feelings that you or others have.
When you start a new relationship, it always causes some instability in your existing relationship(s). You have to put in a lot of work to make sure your existing relationships stay healthy whilst also getting to know the new person and all the anxious excitment that brings! Once it settles, its absolutely wonderful! Just dont get caught up in "New Relationship Energy" and forget that you have other partners that you love too!
Scheduling can be tough... lots of conversations about feelings... its hard to find people who are poly that you have a spark with...
If youre gonna try it out, try to find a poly group nearby so that you can talk though your experiences and ask questions. Its always better to explore this with someone who is experienced with poly as they can help you through the first 6 months when you are probably gonna have a lot of feelings!!
For all that its tough, its also wonderful and I highly recommend it.... just do your research first and keep asking questions!
Fay x |
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By *inkyDuo XXX OP Couple
over a year ago
somewhere near you |
Hi Fay
Thanks for responding. I find it an interesting way of defining one's love life. I think on paper it would work but in reality, like you said, would depend on having spark with multiple connections.
I definitely think jealously would be a big deal in that situation. 'Typical swinging' is different if its one offs and no emotional connection. Solo poly is a whole different ball game. Glad it makes you happy.
A (female) x |
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I am Solo Poly
Be honest in the amount of relationships that you can nurture, nothing worse than entering a relationship and not being able to bask in it fully as time wise you are stretched too thin.
Also be prepared for discontent from other poly communities, Solo poly isn't seen and respected by a lot of the nesting poly communities.
For me being in multiple loving relationships is an absolute Joy. I get to spend loving, emotion laden time with my best friends but without the pressure of sharing a family home or finances. I support and trust all of them in their choices and will be there in person at the drop of a hat. We have open and closed relationships, and trust in each other is paramount, second to us Is communication. If something is not working we will talk about it rather than letting anything fester 
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By *atinocoupleCouple
over a year ago
SF, NY, London (in that order) |
We have long had poly/EMN as part of our relationship, but due to COVID only now actively pursuing it.
It's been wierd having not even swung for a couple of years, but the scene does seem to be really accepting of different dynamics or boundaries. Using other apps though. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How does being solo poly work if you're one half of a couple?"
That would be something slightly different.
Solo poly is when you have loving connections with partners but you dont do the traditional "couple" thing with any of them (move in together, share finances etc). Although you consider their wants and needs when making life decisions, you ultimately prioritise your own needs (perhaps splitting up with your partners to take up a job in a different city).
If you were poly and had a partner who you did all those "couple" things with, you'd call them your "nesting" (or primary) partner. Some people call this "hierachical poly", but other people dont like that term! The basics are that you do the comittment stuff with one person but still have fulfilling relationships with people outside that relationship, but these tend to be "secondary" to the "primary" relationship.
Hope that helps!
Fay x |
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By *ildrocketCouple
over a year ago
North Warwickshire |
What a great thread.
We are both very much in love with each other but consider our relationship open.
We as are free to see others but want to 'holiday' with each other..
that said we both agree sex is so much better when there is a connection, to have a connection needs some level of feeling towards each other..
Does that make us swingers, poly, ENM
Labels can be confusing |
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By *inkyDuo XXX OP Couple
over a year ago
somewhere near you |
"What a great thread.
We are both very much in love with each other but consider our relationship open.
We as are free to see others but want to 'holiday' with each other..
that said we both agree sex is so much better when there is a connection, to have a connection needs some level of feeling towards each other..
Does that make us swingers, poly, ENM
Labels can be confusing "
Hey! I think you pose the same question I think about. Labels are confusing.
The other thing I am maybe naive about is whether poly or associate labels are a sexual orientation? Or do you just use these terms to describe how you are relationship wise.
Tbh I think I would find it hard to share my 'primary' partner on an emotional level with someone. The sex and connection built with people who become friends is fine but not in a romantic sense. I think the connection could only go as far as friendship. No idea what that label is!
With your open relationship, do you allow 'dating'? Do you not feel threatened with a potential for your partner to want someone else emotionally?
A x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The other thing I am maybe naive about is whether poly or associate labels are a sexual orientation? Or do you just use these terms to describe how you are relationship wise.
Tbh I think I would find it hard to share my 'primary' partner on an emotional level with someone. The sex and connection built with people who become friends is fine but not in a romantic sense. I think the connection could only go as far as friendship. No idea what that label is!
A x"
Whether or not poly is a sexual orientation is an ongoing debate. Most people say "no" but a lot of poly people feel that it is a crucial part of their sexual identity. Before I found out polyamory was an option, I just didnt date because I didnt feel comfortable with the monogamous narrative. Im not sure I could cope with a tradtional monogamous relationship!!
The labels arent hugely important so long as you are able to comunicate well with the people you are involved with. There are so many different boxes, but most relationships dont fit exactly into a box, and they change over time anyway! If you wanna see the plethora of labels you could choose, look up the "map of non-monogamy"
However, I would describe what you are looking for as ENM or an open relationship rather than Polyamory (the "amory" bit refers to "love"). It sounds like you are comfortable with your partner having a FwB type of connection, but without the "love" bit.
If you felt a deep platonic love for secondary partners you could maybe describe it as Polyamory with a primary romantic partner and secondary queer-platonic partners with sexual elements...
But seriously, it all gets silly and you will just have to explain at this point anyway, so whats the point of a label at all?
Best just to use ENM - its an umbrella term, so no need to be more specific!
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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago
Durham |
Hi, I’m solo poly/ relationship anarchist here.
So…I have a primary. Me. My autonomy and independence are the most important things to me. So I have partners (currently only one) and swing as a couple with them but that doesn’t mean ownership behaviours like asking permission.
I keep my distance from people who practice hierarchy - so I’ll happily unicorn for a couple but not date them. Hierarchy is bad for me emotionally, it makes me feel disposable.
My experience is that the swinging scene is a good place to meet people open to ENM who need high levels of independence and autonomy in relationships and have no intention of ever riding the relationship escalator again - as well as people who are solo poly for now because parenting responsibilities or other real life commitments.
Also, love is infinite. Some people might not want to love multiple people, but in my experience multiple deep connections are very possible. |
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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago
Durham |
"
The other thing I am maybe naive about is whether poly or associate labels are a sexual orientation? Or do you just use these terms to describe how you are relationship wise.
Tbh I think I would find it hard to share my 'primary' partner on an emotional level with someone. The sex and connection built with people who become friends is fine but not in a romantic sense. I think the connection could only go as far as friendship. No idea what that label is!
A x
Whether or not poly is a sexual orientation is an ongoing debate. Most people say "no" but a lot of poly people feel that it is a crucial part of their sexual identity. Before I found out polyamory was an option, I just didnt date because I didnt feel comfortable with the monogamous narrative. Im not sure I could cope with a tradtional monogamous relationship!!
The labels arent hugely important so long as you are able to comunicate well with the people you are involved with. There are so many different boxes, but most relationships dont fit exactly into a box, and they change over time anyway! If you wanna see the plethora of labels you could choose, look up the "map of non-monogamy"
However, I would describe what you are looking for as ENM or an open relationship rather than Polyamory (the "amory" bit refers to "love"). It sounds like you are comfortable with your partner having a FwB type of connection, but without the "love" bit.
If you felt a deep platonic love for secondary partners you could maybe describe it as Polyamory with a primary romantic partner and secondary queer-platonic partners with sexual elements...
But seriously, it all gets silly and you will just have to explain at this point anyway, so whats the point of a label at all?
Best just to use ENM - its an umbrella term, so no need to be more specific!
"
As someone who is solo, I really appreciate it when people who aren’t open to romance use the label “open.” It’s a useful shorthand to warn people like me not to fall in love with them. |
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Labels to me feel more limiting than confusing. For me personally over time sex for its own sake has less appeal for me.
I'm currently kind of a solo-poly with the freedom to meet others. However I am increasingly selective and find myself shying away from meeting people if their priority is one off adventures. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Labels to me feel more limiting than confusing. For me personally over time sex for its own sake has less appeal for me.
I'm currently kind of a solo-poly with the freedom to meet others. However I am increasingly selective and find myself shying away from meeting people if their priority is one off adventures."
So multiple FWB? |
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It can be positive, but it takes a lot of emotional work and communication. You will have to deal with negative feelings of jealousy and isolation at times. Honesty and openess about your emotions will be required. However if successful it can be wonderful for all concerned and you'll have everything you've ever wanted. |
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"Is solo poly just fucking around?
Not for me. Fucking around is fucking around. My current relationship has a deep emotional connection. "
My current relationships have deep emotional connections.
It is the plurals which define 'poly'amory.
Fucking around is not out of the question for many of us but it does not imply 'amory'. |
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"Labels to me feel more limiting than confusing. For me personally over time sex for its own sake has less appeal for me.
I'm currently kind of a solo-poly with the freedom to meet others. However I am increasingly selective and find myself shying away from meeting people if their priority is one off adventures.
So multiple FWB? "
Potentially yes but ideally no more than one or two if they live locally and are able to meet reasonably frequently. I like to be able to adapt based on circumstances. |
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"I can't even find one person, let alone multiple. Must be really tough these days as everyone seems "too busy"  "
The journey never ends does it lol. So I suppose all we can do is try to enjoy the trip whenever possible. Not that it doesn't get frustrating at times. |
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