Hi,
I’m a 40 year old guy and have recently discovered I’m(very likely) on the autism spectrum(awaiting assessment but fairly sure). I was in a relationship for 14 years(married for 6) which amicably came to an end last year. We’re still good friends.
I’ve been on here for a few months now but have not really struck up any chats. This, I think, is in part to me being terrible at initial introductions/messages. I can’t do/don’t understand chat-up lines/smooth talking patter. This obviously puts me at a disadvantage on a site like this. I sometimes try to make a self deprecating joke to excuse my lack of patter but I wonder if it makes me come across as weird/desperate?
In the real world I can struggle in social situations and when meeting new people in groups. On a one to one basis, if I discover something we have in common then I’m usually fine.
I’m not looking for love and don’t need/want an emotional connection with anyone. I really struggle with being touched. I can’t stand someone lightly touching me or playing with my nipples/balls. I go all tense and it makes the whole situation very awkward. I am more than happy making sure my partner is happy. And I like to think I’m quite good at it. Never had any complaints so far.
Is there anyone else on here in a similar situation or does anyone have any advice on how I can improve my initial contact with folk? |
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I'm sorry to hear your having difficulties on here. It's not n easy place to be at the best of times. The only advice I could give you is to just be you and not Try to be someone your not because that will likely stick out a mile. If you wanted to you briefly explain your situation in a first msg but that will be a hit or a miss. Ots very difficult to advise you as we don't know what kind of msgs your sending. |
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Thanks for your reply.
I totally agree about just being myself. Although I think that’s part of the problem. I couldn’t act like someone else if I wanted to. I just don’t have the ability to.
My initial message is usually a general hello and asking how they’re doing. It’s really disheartening to read folks bios and seeing them being so dismissive of such an approach. I appreciate though that some folk will be bombarded with similar messages and get fed up with them.
I don’t want to scream "I’m autistic so give me a break" in every message either 
Theoretically this site offers exactly what I need/can handle…uncomplicated, no strings sex. It’s just the social/chatty bit beforehand that complicates matters.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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it must be very difficult to live with this but I think you are confident enough to let it out open and that is not a bad thing. I have been in fab and other site precious to fab for longer then what I want to think of and having a single male profile can be very difficult to find someone to meet regardless of the kind of approach you have trust me when I say that it doesn't matter if you have chat up lines or spend 5 minutes putting a good introduction of yourself and acknowledge what this person/people seek because most times you will not get even a reply . I have met a few people over the years and is not about finding and meeting loads but finding good ones that are willing to know you for who you are and not for another line on the bed post . I have made some serious friends of the years and I am happy with that.
guys are seen as a pest for most people on here because most of them really are and spoil for the genuine ones.
like said before be yourself and you will find the right people to have fun with don't be hard on yourself because if others . is always there loss in end of the day . be positive and stay strong and always have fun . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You are extremely articulate, so take confidence from that. Some of the messages I receive consist of a barely strung together sentence.
There was a thread on the Lounge the other day, about places on our body we don’t like to be touched. A few guys said balls and nipples, so you’re not alone there!
Fab is a tough gig for blokes in general, so remember that.
I wish you well x |
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There's quite a few people on the spectrum here as well as a growing understanding of some of the issues faced, amongst the wider community.
Take a look at some of the forum posts about single men getting established, opening messages etc. It is hardest for men here, so picking up a few tips that are generic, could be a helpful starting point.
If you are up for socials, look out for them. Otherwise, clubs may be an option. Obviously everyone on the spectrum has their own unique condition, so making things work for you, may involve some trial and error.
Anything not interesting for you, can be informed to others, via profiles, or other communication. All preferences are personal and right. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You are having exactly the same problems as other men in here. Please don’t think it’s you. "
He's not making that comparison.
If hes being assessed then they must think it is likely he is on the spectrum, they dont just assess anyone, been there and done it myself and have a diagnosis.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hi,
I’m a 40 year old guy and have recently discovered I’m(very likely) on the autism spectrum(awaiting assessment but fairly sure). I was in a relationship for 14 years(married for 6) which amicably came to an end last year. We’re still good friends.
I’ve been on here for a few months now but have not really struck up any chats. This, I think, is in part to me being terrible at initial introductions/messages. I can’t do/don’t understand chat-up lines/smooth talking patter. This obviously puts me at a disadvantage on a site like this. I sometimes try to make a self deprecating joke to excuse my lack of patter but I wonder if it makes me come across as weird/desperate?
In the real world I can struggle in social situations and when meeting new people in groups. On a one to one basis, if I discover something we have in common then I’m usually fine.
I’m not looking for love and don’t need/want an emotional connection with anyone. I really struggle with being touched. I can’t stand someone lightly touching me or playing with my nipples/balls. I go all tense and it makes the whole situation very awkward. I am more than happy making sure my partner is happy. And I like to think I’m quite good at it. Never had any complaints so far.
Is there anyone else on here in a similar situation or does anyone have any advice on how I can improve my initial contact with folk? "
I see a lot of myself in what you say... been thinking about getting myself assessed for a while |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have Aspergers, got my diagnosis a year ago. People do not really need to know unless you want to date which you do not. If it is just casual fun on here, does not matter. If you get the diagnosis do not let it define you, as you are still you. My inbox is open if you ever need to chat about it  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hi folks,
Thanks for all your feedback here. It has definitely given me a bit more faith/belief in the way things work here.
Hope you’ve all had a good weekend. "
I can 100% empathise with you here because I was diagnosed being neurodivergent (autistic) from a young age. So you're totally not alone.
All I can really say is just be confident with you're approach, do you, and don't get too caught up with you're messages being ignored.
I understand we all would like to get some action through here and make some fun friends/contacts, but if they aren't mean't for you, they won't connect/click. Better to have quality people to have fun, play, socialise with than people you don't.
I wish you all the best dude. Take great care. x |
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