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BDSM - Safe signals
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I'm having a problem coming up with one which isn't made effectively redundant depending on certain activities /contexts.which could lead to confusion. Which coild go very wrong if misrecognised.
Any ideas for 'universal' ones?
Or am i buggered as far as that's concerned? So to speak.. |
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"I'm having a problem coming up with one which isn't made effectively redundant depending on certain activities /contexts.which could lead to confusion. Which coild go very wrong if misrecognised.
Any ideas for 'universal' ones?
Or am i buggered as far as that's concerned? So to speak.. "
Maybe think out of the box for a totally different unexpected word....like sausages or some thing  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Traffic light system is simple and easy to remember.
If my mouth is full, nails flexed into his leg (lightly) means stop, if restrained maybe hold an object which could be dropped.
Closing and opening fist three times is another one.
It needs to be simple, but nothing is as good as building a knowledge of each other, and learning to read ‘tells’ as well as the above cues. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I use the traffic light system:
Red - stop everything right now
Yellow - Im reaching my limit so slow down/back off a little but dont stop the play
Green - well if Im moaning and cumming I dont need to say it  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I use the traffic light system:
Red - stop everything right now
Yellow - Im reaching my limit so slow down/back off a little but dont stop the play
Green - well if Im moaning and cumming I dont need to say it "
This is the universal system OP |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Traffic light system is simple and easy to remember.
If my mouth is full, nails flexed into his leg (lightly) means stop, if restrained maybe hold an object which could be dropped.
Closing and opening fist three times is another one.
It needs to be simple, but nothing is as good as building a knowledge of each other, and learning to read ‘tells’ as well as the above cues. "
Those are brilliant   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you need non verbal ques could be:
Shaking head side to side violently.
Have the hold a noisy toy in their hand (if restrained) and they drop the toy, you know to stop if you hear or see it drop |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Traffic light is fine. I also tap out.
But mostly have used a 1-10. Either he asks me which number I am or I tell him if I'm at 9. It's been really good with someone who was quite new to it before. Admittedly I can usually talk  |
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By *oirinMarkusCouple
over a year ago
West Midlands and West London |
Tapping the leg if mouth is full, otherwise traffic light system works well. I haven't been in any situations where neither was possible, but maybe I just haven't tried what you are trying OP  |
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..."red" for stop...."uh uh" if your mouth is full for some reason   (pretty much always able to do it - even if you're getting facefucked) keep it simple...everything else you can just talk about... |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
Are you talking non verbal safewords, or verbal I couldn’t really understand what you were asking for?
A safeword should really be a last resort, as the Top should be aware of the situation, the breathing and body language of their bottom, hell even if they are conscious.
Given the purpose, a safeword needs to be easier to remember and use. Complex phrases or words just increase the risk of bad things happening or getting worse.
Verbal - as has been said the traffic light system is easier to use and almost universally understood.
These are words that we listen out for, even when we are focussed on something else.
No, stop etc. are not safewords. They get used too often for them to be effective.
Non verbal - this depends on how the person is positioned and what mobility they have, and assumes they are gagged or otherwise unable to speak
Tapping the person 3 times is a universal sign of submission.
Having them hold a ball and releasing it can work - but you have to pay attention to it
Noise makes - Using a battery operated door bell where they have the button - just be aware that in a club or event this may not go down well if you have it on its loudest setting
Giving them a ball or chime to use to get your attention - this assumes they have some wrist mobility and can hold the item for the duration of the scene. I have some small dog toys that make a noise when you squeeze them.
Ultimately though, as part of your risk assessment (RACK of PRICK), you both (all) should be aware and agree on how to attract the attention or indicate something isn’t quite right.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Are you talking non verbal safewords, or verbal I couldn’t really understand what you were asking for?
A safeword should really be a last resort, as the Top should be aware of the situation, the breathing and body language of their bottom, hell even if they are conscious.
Given the purpose, a safeword needs to be easier to remember and use. Complex phrases or words just increase the risk of bad things happening or getting worse.
Verbal - as has been said the traffic light system is easier to use and almost universally understood.
These are words that we listen out for, even when we are focussed on something else.
No, stop etc. are not safewords. They get used too often for them to be effective.
Non verbal - this depends on how the person is positioned and what mobility they have, and assumes they are gagged or otherwise unable to speak
Tapping the person 3 times is a universal sign of submission.
Having them hold a ball and releasing it can work - but you have to pay attention to it
Noise makes - Using a battery operated door bell where they have the button - just be aware that in a club or event this may not go down well if you have it on its loudest setting
Giving them a ball or chime to use to get your attention - this assumes they have some wrist mobility and can hold the item for the duration of the scene. I have some small dog toys that make a noise when you squeeze them.
Ultimately though, as part of your risk assessment (RACK of PRICK), you both (all) should be aware and agree on how to attract the attention or indicate something isn’t quite right.
"
If someone suggested I didn't need a safe word but had discussed all of the rest - do you think that's reasonable? I said no to playing with him but I've always wondered. I've used a safe word once in 3 years - I do think it's a last resort. |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"If someone suggested I didn't need a safe word but had discussed all of the rest - do you think that's reasonable? I said no to playing with him but I've always wondered. I've used a safe word once in 3 years - I do think it's a last resort. "
I think its entirely reasonable for you to decline to meet someone who didn’t respect your boundaries. How else are you to inform them that something isn’t right or you need to stop?
We all know that safe words by themselves do not remove the risks associated with potential for harm happening. If someone means you harm, they aren't going to stop just because you said the word “cabbage”. However, agreeing the use of safe words is part of the negotiation of a scene and allows both people to set expected boundaries.
The other consideration is around what you were agreeing to do, as some activities have less of a demand for a safe word than others.
I’ve never discussed safe words for most wax play scenes as their “ow fuck thats hot” tends to work better, but when dealing with more extreme acts a safe word is a must (even though I will be monitoring them anyway).
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If someone suggested I didn't need a safe word but had discussed all of the rest - do you think that's reasonable? I said no to playing with him but I've always wondered. I've used a safe word once in 3 years - I do think it's a last resort.
I think its entirely reasonable for you to decline to meet someone who didn’t respect your boundaries. How else are you to inform them that something isn’t right or you need to stop?
We all know that safe words by themselves do not remove the risks associated with potential for harm happening. If someone means you harm, they aren't going to stop just because you said the word “cabbage”. However, agreeing the use of safe words is part of the negotiation of a scene and allows both people to set expected boundaries.
The other consideration is around what you were agreeing to do, as some activities have less of a demand for a safe word than others.
I’ve never discussed safe words for most wax play scenes as their “ow fuck thats hot” tends to work better, but when dealing with more extreme acts a safe word is a must (even though I will be monitoring them anyway).
"
It was an "in general" discussion rather than a specific scene. I don't play in clubs. Also had someone recently refuse to even hear what my limits were. Because they were "experienced". I walked away both times but it bothers me that this is only because I've had some experience myself. Newbies might have just agreed regardless (I would have). I guess it's a red flag if people aren't open to talking about systems, limits, safeword, risk.... |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"It was an "in general" discussion rather than a specific scene. I don't play in clubs. Also had someone recently refuse to even hear what my limits were. Because they were "experienced". I walked away both times but it bothers me that this is only because I've had some experience myself. Newbies might have just agreed regardless (I would have). I guess it's a red flag if people aren't open to talking about systems, limits, safeword, risk...."
Refusing to discuss a persons limits is red flag behaviour. To dismiss what someone doesn’t want to do, is to show disrespect and put your own needs and wants ahead of theirs. Sadly in the scene you can be “experienced”, even well known, and still be a predator.
Education can only help so far, people new to the scene can easily get caught up in the lights and glamour, and profess to be someones submissive just because thats what they want.
Its why I prefer PRICK over RACK, as we all have a responsibility to ourselves to ensure we are comfortable with what we are doing and who we are doing it with.
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By *ikilovesCCouple
over a year ago
village life, closest main town inverness |
"I'm having a problem coming up with one which isn't made effectively redundant depending on certain activities /contexts.which could lead to confusion. Which coild go very wrong if misrecognised.
Any ideas for 'universal' ones?
Or am i buggered as far as that's concerned? So to speak..
Maybe think out of the box for a totally different unexpected word....like sausages or some thing "
.
Yup that's what we thought, something that would be unusual enough to make you sit up and take notice
So we went for "fannybaws"  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It was an "in general" discussion rather than a specific scene. I don't play in clubs. Also had someone recently refuse to even hear what my limits were. Because they were "experienced". I walked away both times but it bothers me that this is only because I've had some experience myself. Newbies might have just agreed regardless (I would have). I guess it's a red flag if people aren't open to talking about systems, limits, safeword, risk....
Refusing to discuss a persons limits is red flag behaviour. To dismiss what someone doesn’t want to do, is to show disrespect and put your own needs and wants ahead of theirs. Sadly in the scene you can be “experienced”, even well known, and still be a predator.
Education can only help so far, people new to the scene can easily get caught up in the lights and glamour, and profess to be someones submissive just because thats what they want.
Its why I prefer PRICK over RACK, as we all have a responsibility to ourselves to ensure we are comfortable with what we are doing and who we are doing it with.
"
Yes think I dodged something unsavoury there.  |
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"Are you talking non verbal safewords, or verbal I couldn’t really understand what you were asking for?
A safeword should really be a last resort, as the Top should be aware of the situation, the breathing and body language of their bottom, hell even if they are conscious.
Given the purpose, a safeword needs to be easier to remember and use. Complex phrases or words just increase the risk of bad things happening or getting worse.
Verbal - as has been said the traffic light system is easier to use and almost universally understood.
These are words that we listen out for, even when we are focussed on something else.
No, stop etc. are not safewords. They get used too often for them to be effective.
Non verbal - this depends on how the person is positioned and what mobility they have, and assumes they are gagged or otherwise unable to speak
Tapping the person 3 times is a universal sign of submission.
Having them hold a ball and releasing it can work - but you have to pay attention to it
Noise makes - Using a battery operated door bell where they have the button - just be aware that in a club or event this may not go down well if you have it on its loudest setting
Giving them a ball or chime to use to get your attention - this assumes they have some wrist mobility and can hold the item for the duration of the scene. I have some small dog toys that make a noise when you squeeze them.
Ultimately though, as part of your risk assessment (RACK of PRICK), you both (all) should be aware and agree on how to attract the attention or indicate something isn’t quite right.
If someone suggested I didn't need a safe word but had discussed all of the rest - do you think that's reasonable? I said no to playing with him but I've always wondered. I've used a safe word once in 3 years - I do think it's a last resort. "
Exactly. But it's needed isn't it just in case.
The thread is about safe signals and titled as such, so no advice needed about safe words ta,although some very good tips given about both. Saying that i think all safe words ought to be a single syllable also. Speed could be of the essence! |
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"If someone suggested I didn't need a safe word but had discussed all of the rest - do you think that's reasonable? I said no to playing with him but I've always wondered. I've used a safe word once in 3 years - I do think it's a last resort.
I think its entirely reasonable for you to decline to meet someone who didn’t respect your boundaries. How else are you to inform them that something isn’t right or you need to stop?
We all know that safe words by themselves do not remove the risks associated with potential for harm happening. If someone means you harm, they aren't going to stop just because you said the word “cabbage”. However, agreeing the use of safe words is part of the negotiation of a scene and allows both people to set expected boundaries.
The other consideration is around what you were agreeing to do, as some activities have less of a demand for a safe word than others.
I’ve never discussed safe words for most wax play scenes as their “ow fuck thats hot” tends to work better, but when dealing with more extreme acts a safe word is a must (even though I will be monitoring them anyway).
It was an "in general" discussion rather than a specific scene. I don't play in clubs. Also had someone recently refuse to even hear what my limits were. Because they were "experienced". I walked away both times but it bothers me that this is only because I've had some experience myself. Newbies might have just agreed regardless (I would have). I guess it's a red flag if people aren't open to talking about systems, limits, safeword, risk...."
Refusing to discuss limits and amd safe words is basically sadism without consent. Fucking scary/dangerous people. Avoid like the plague and inform others in the community if you know them to spread the warning.that's horrible. |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"Swift upper cut to the jaw should slow proceedings down a touch
"
Which isn’t always possible, such as when you are padlocked to a table, bed or cross.
Also escalating to physical violence, when I have a full toy bag is not a smart move. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"If someone suggested I didn't need a safe word but had discussed all of the rest - do you think that's reasonable? I said no to playing with him but I've always wondered. I've used a safe word once in 3 years - I do think it's a last resort.
I think its entirely reasonable for you to decline to meet someone who didn’t respect your boundaries. How else are you to inform them that something isn’t right or you need to stop?
We all know that safe words by themselves do not remove the risks associated with potential for harm happening. If someone means you harm, they aren't going to stop just because you said the word “cabbage”. However, agreeing the use of safe words is part of the negotiation of a scene and allows both people to set expected boundaries.
The other consideration is around what you were agreeing to do, as some activities have less of a demand for a safe word than others.
I’ve never discussed safe words for most wax play scenes as their “ow fuck thats hot” tends to work better, but when dealing with more extreme acts a safe word is a must (even though I will be monitoring them anyway).
It was an "in general" discussion rather than a specific scene. I don't play in clubs. Also had someone recently refuse to even hear what my limits were. Because they were "experienced". I walked away both times but it bothers me that this is only because I've had some experience myself. Newbies might have just agreed regardless (I would have). I guess it's a red flag if people aren't open to talking about systems, limits, safeword, risk....
Refusing to discuss limits and amd safe words is basically sadism without consent. Fucking scary/dangerous people. Avoid like the plague and inform others in the community if you know them to spread the warning.that's horrible. "
It was someone here re:limits. I don't believe he plays within the local community (not that I've found). |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"Refusing to discuss limits and amd safe words is basically sadism without consent. Fucking scary/dangerous people. Avoid like the plague and inform others in the community if you know them to spread the warning.that's horrible. "
I wouldn’t say it’s sadism without consent, as you are limiting the activities to be sadistic only.
Any non consensual activity is assault/abuse clear and simple, but yes people who refuse to engage in talking about them should be avoided.
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"It was someone here re:limits. I don't believe he plays within the local community (not that I've found). "
Plenty of people meet and play outside of their local scene, not going to organised events, so policing them is difficult.
Naming and shaming on websites, alerting event organisers can only do so much, and sadly some will refuse to get involved without any “proof”.
The best thing you can do is to try and avoid getting into those situations where possible. |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"The thread is about safe signals and titled as such, so no advice needed about safe words ta,although some very good tips given about both. Saying that i think all safe words ought to be a single syllable also. Speed could be of the essence! "
As I said your OP was not clear as you had not made any mention of what you were trying to achieve.
The advice given isn’t just for you, but for anyone reading these threads.
Education is the only weapon we have to combat the mis/ill/uninformed. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It was someone here re:limits. I don't believe he plays within the local community (not that I've found).
Plenty of people meet and play outside of their local scene, not going to organised events, so policing them is difficult.
Naming and shaming on websites, alerting event organisers can only do so much, and sadly some will refuse to get involved without any “proof”.
The best thing you can do is to try and avoid getting into those situations where possible."
Oh I didn't meet him nor the man with the safeword aversion. If they won't discuss this in advance before a social, I'm out of there. And tbh if people aren't a part of a scene and have no interest - I want to know why. |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
In answer to OP's original question, if different scenes are planned then definitely safe words/signals will be contextual.
There are two trains of thoughts, the old skool who think that Doms are utterly in are in control. There are those who use this as a power rush, and there others who say they monitor carefully and make any calls.
The modern view is that there should be full negotiation and discussion and safe limits/symbols.
If I am doing rope or not playing heavy I don't use safe words. I tell the bottom just tell me the problem. If anything hurts or is uncomfortable tell me. If I am doing rope a safeword won't give much information to deal with the matter so tell me the issue. If am playing heavy or if someone wants to be overwhelmed then safeword or gestures are used.
As Fetcpl said, safewords are not magical and tops should always be fully focussed on the bottom's condition. That is one of the reasons topping is not easy. The other issue is that bottom's still have to judge the top, as there are consent violators and those that ignore safewords. |
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"I'm having a problem coming up with one which isn't made effectively redundant depending on certain activities /contexts.which could lead to confusion. Which coild go very wrong if misrecognised.
Any ideas for 'universal' ones?
Or am i buggered as far as that's concerned? So to speak.. "
I get my subs to say “cabbages” |
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"The thread is about safe signals and titled as such, so no advice needed about safe words ta,although some very good tips given about both. Saying that i think all safe words ought to be a single syllable also. Speed could be of the essence!
As I said your OP was not clear as you had not made any mention of what you were trying to achieve.
The advice given isn’t just for you, but for anyone reading these threads.
Education is the only weapon we have to combat the mis/ill/uninformed."
"The thread is about safe signals and titled as such, so no advice needed about safe words ta,although some very good tips given about both. Saying that i think all safe words ought to be a single syllable also. Speed could be of the essence!
As I said your OP was not clear as you had not made any mention of what you were trying to achieve.
The advice given isn’t just for you, but for anyone reading these threads.
Education is the only weapon we have to combat the mis/ill/uninformed."
I'm not getting into semantics. We'll be here all night. Yes a word is also a signal. Clarification could have been, er, clearer, which is especially important vis a vis the themes brought up in the thread. I just thought that signals precluded discussion of words, otherwise I'd have stated as such. But everything you've said is useful, so ta.
And absolutely agree with the education observation. And no, i didnt think that the thread would necessarily be centred on me but might also be helpful for others too. - where one person has a question, it usually resonates with many others too!
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