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Sub for Dom
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Are there any Dom’s out there who like a sub? Curious to switch up and see what it is like to be told what to do and being unable to refuse! Either online or in real meet! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Unable to refuse!!!!... that's not submission
Some really do miss the fact that its actually the submissive that has the final say and that submission is given not taken."
Unless playing CNC |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for  "
Right?! |
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"Unable to refuse!!!!... that's not submission
Some really do miss the fact that its actually the submissive that has the final say and that submission is given not taken.
Unless playing CNC "
Even with CNC a safe word is a safe word regardless of scene or dynamic |
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"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for
Right?!"
I remember the outrage in the kink scene when the book was released over the fact that it was in places borderline **use (wont post the word here) and showed the whole bdsm scene in a very bad light |
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"Unable to refuse!!!!... that's not submission
Some really do miss the fact that its actually the submissive that has the final say and that submission is given not taken.
Unless playing CNC "
Even with CNC, the key word is consensual. In other words it is discussed in depths prior to anything happening and hard limits are still respected. It takes an extreme amount of trust (on behalf of both the Dom and sub) and is not something that should be entered into lightly
MJ x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for
Right?!
I remember the outrage in the kink scene when the book was released over the fact that it was in places borderline **use (wont post the word here) and showed the whole bdsm scene in a very bad light"
I've been a part of the kink scene for 11ish years, and the influx of unsafe players has been ridiculous. I've seen some things which have really turned my stomach at events. Borderline is underselling, it's outright **use (following you here on that) that whole way through. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for
Right?!
I remember the outrage in the kink scene when the book was released over the fact that it was in places borderline **use (wont post the word here) and showed the whole bdsm scene in a very bad light
I've been a part of the kink scene for 11ish years, and the influx of unsafe players has been ridiculous. I've seen some things which have really turned my stomach at events. Borderline is underselling, it's outright **use (following you here on that) that whole way through."
Can that really be attributed to a book that was just a modern day and slightly more raunchy mills and boon? |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"Profile states you're straight so I guess you mean Domme not Dom. You could be Fab straight of course  "
That’s a bit old fashioned isn’t it? Genderised versions of a Dominant ? It’s a a Dom now , abbreviation, gender neutral  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for
Right?!
I remember the outrage in the kink scene when the book was released over the fact that it was in places borderline **use (wont post the word here) and showed the whole bdsm scene in a very bad light
I've been a part of the kink scene for 11ish years, and the influx of unsafe players has been ridiculous. I've seen some things which have really turned my stomach at events. Borderline is underselling, it's outright **use (following you here on that) that whole way through.
Can that really be attributed to a book that was just a modern day and slightly more raunchy mills and boon?"
I think there's a solid argument that is the case. Maybe not entirely by itself, but definitely a huge contributing factor. I know I don't speak for the scene but I think you'd be hard pressed to find a kinkster that didn't have similar feelings. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for
Right?!
I remember the outrage in the kink scene when the book was released over the fact that it was in places borderline **use (wont post the word here) and showed the whole bdsm scene in a very bad light
I've been a part of the kink scene for 11ish years, and the influx of unsafe players has been ridiculous. I've seen some things which have really turned my stomach at events. Borderline is underselling, it's outright **use (following you here on that) that whole way through.
Can that really be attributed to a book that was just a modern day and slightly more raunchy mills and boon?
I think there's a solid argument that is the case. Maybe not entirely by itself, but definitely a huge contributing factor. I know I don't speak for the scene but I think you'd be hard pressed to find a kinkster that didn't have similar feelings."
There is no scene, there is no rule book, there are people and just like in here they are all very different. There is no authorised version of kink , my my is my kink abs yours is yours |
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"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for
Right?!
I remember the outrage in the kink scene when the book was released over the fact that it was in places borderline **use (wont post the word here) and showed the whole bdsm scene in a very bad light
I've been a part of the kink scene for 11ish years, and the influx of unsafe players has been ridiculous. I've seen some things which have really turned my stomach at events. Borderline is underselling, it's outright **use (following you here on that) that whole way through."
Yup I've been in the scene for around the same time maybe a little longer and am with you all the way on the whole stomach churning thing since that damn book came out and I really dont shock easily, I have never read the books or watched the films as it just doesn't appeal to me, I have seen what real bdsm is and will stick with the SSC and RACK ways of playing not what someone with no experience perceives to be a bdsm lifestyle or D/s dynamic |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for
Right?!
I remember the outrage in the kink scene when the book was released over the fact that it was in places borderline **use (wont post the word here) and showed the whole bdsm scene in a very bad light
I've been a part of the kink scene for 11ish years, and the influx of unsafe players has been ridiculous. I've seen some things which have really turned my stomach at events. Borderline is underselling, it's outright **use (following you here on that) that whole way through.
Can that really be attributed to a book that was just a modern day and slightly more raunchy mills and boon?
I think there's a solid argument that is the case. Maybe not entirely by itself, but definitely a huge contributing factor. I know I don't speak for the scene but I think you'd be hard pressed to find a kinkster that didn't have similar feelings.
There is no scene, there is no rule book, there are people and just like in here they are all very different. There is no authorised version of kink , my my is my kink abs yours is yours "
Disagree about the scene and 'authorised' version - see RACK and SSC. Agreed about individual kink. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for
Right?!
I remember the outrage in the kink scene when the book was released over the fact that it was in places borderline **use (wont post the word here) and showed the whole bdsm scene in a very bad light
I've been a part of the kink scene for 11ish years, and the influx of unsafe players has been ridiculous. I've seen some things which have really turned my stomach at events. Borderline is underselling, it's outright **use (following you here on that) that whole way through.
Can that really be attributed to a book that was just a modern day and slightly more raunchy mills and boon?
I think there's a solid argument that is the case. Maybe not entirely by itself, but definitely a huge contributing factor. I know I don't speak for the scene but I think you'd be hard pressed to find a kinkster that didn't have similar feelings.
There is no scene, there is no rule book, there are people and just like in here they are all very different. There is no authorised version of kink , my my is my kink abs yours is yours
Disagree about the scene and 'authorised' version - see RACK and SSC. Agreed about individual kink."
I know all about SSC and RACK, on here it’s mostly SSC, I prefer to manage risks and know my legals and first aid as well as know people well.
Happy to disagree, this conversion (in general , not you  ) Is so boring and elitist , real this real that , we don’t like 50 shades, because it made our little sect popular, a bit like Metallica becoming popular with the black album…. , the scene, etc yawn
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for
Right?!
I remember the outrage in the kink scene when the book was released over the fact that it was in places borderline **use (wont post the word here) and showed the whole bdsm scene in a very bad light
I've been a part of the kink scene for 11ish years, and the influx of unsafe players has been ridiculous. I've seen some things which have really turned my stomach at events. Borderline is underselling, it's outright **use (following you here on that) that whole way through.
Can that really be attributed to a book that was just a modern day and slightly more raunchy mills and boon?
I think there's a solid argument that is the case. Maybe not entirely by itself, but definitely a huge contributing factor. I know I don't speak for the scene but I think you'd be hard pressed to find a kinkster that didn't have similar feelings.
There is no scene, there is no rule book, there are people and just like in here they are all very different. There is no authorised version of kink , my my is my kink abs yours is yours
Disagree about the scene and 'authorised' version - see RACK and SSC. Agreed about individual kink.
I know all about SSC and RACK, on here it’s mostly SSC, I prefer to manage risks and know my legals and first aid as well as know people well.
Happy to disagree, this conversion (in general , not you ) Is so boring and elitist , real this real that , we don’t like 50 shades, because it made our little sect popular, a bit like Metallica becoming popular with the black album…. , the scene, etc yawn
"
Its not about elitism or gatekeeping, its about being safe. 50 shades doesn't show BDSM being safe. That's the issue. |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
Let me put some alternative points.
Firstly the sub only has control as to what happens to their body (as should every adult of sound sense and not convicted) they do not control the relationship. It seems to be missed that a submissive seeks situations to be created for their submission, therefore they need a relationship as much as a dominant; and I would suggest in practice, a sound relationship is balanced.
In seeking what they crave some submissives like the mindset that they cannot refuse the dominant. This is very different from the dominant imposing that a sub can't refuse them (though some submissives like this). Clearly, there should negotiation and discussion, and clearly the submissive should be aware they (and also the dominant if they wish) can walk away at any minute. Also the submissive needs to be clear whether they really want to submit to everything (or just those within a limited scope). But if the submissive chooses to be obediant and the dominant accepts it (not all dominants want it) it is the submissives call to have that mindset. Hence you have M/S relationships, Gorean relationships, 1950's relationship, female led relationships, and a host of other lifestyles.
But it is up to the submissive to choose well the dominant, as an empathic dominant will try to understand what the submissive is really looking for and check they really mean what they say. Non-empathic dominants will not do the work and take them at their word. But this still does not absolve the dominant from obtaining consent and not get huffy if the submissive does not obey.
I heard a great phase on the podcast F@@ks Given the one with Reed's dom couple (and I recommend this particular podcast). The Dom said "dominance is 90% administration" which is something I have felt but not been able articulate.
One last comment, I know people do it for good reasons but I do feel experienced people on Fab need to be a little kinder when explaining the ways of BDSM to those who don't know thise ways. People regularly say stupidly ignorant stuff about BDSM but to in effect call them stupid and ignorant is not conducive to helping them learn. We are all rightly concerned about people's safety but there are ways and means.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Let me put some alternative points.
Firstly the sub only has control as to what happens to their body (as should every adult of sound sense and not convicted) they do not control the relationship. It seems to be missed that a submissive seeks situations to be created for their submission, therefore they need a relationship as much as a dominant; and I would suggest in practice, a sound relationship is balanced.
In seeking what they crave some submissives like the mindset that they cannot refuse the dominant. This is very different from the dominant imposing that a sub can't refuse them (though some submissives like this). Clearly, there should negotiation and discussion, and clearly the submissive should be aware they (and also the dominant if they wish) can walk away at any minute. Also the submissive needs to be clear whether they really want to submit to everything (or just those within a limited scope). But if the submissive chooses to be obediant and the dominant accepts it (not all dominants want it) it is the submissives call to have that mindset. Hence you have M/S relationships, Gorean relationships, 1950's relationship, female led relationships, and a host of other lifestyles.
But it is up to the submissive to choose well the dominant, as an empathic dominant will try to understand what the submissive is really looking for and check they really mean what they say. Non-empathic dominants will not do the work and take them at their word. But this still does not absolve the dominant from obtaining consent and not get huffy if the submissive does not obey.
I heard a great phase on the podcast F@@ks Given the one with Reed's dom couple (and I recommend this particular podcast). The Dom said "dominance is 90% administration" which is something I have felt but not been able articulate.
One last comment, I know people do it for good reasons but I do feel experienced people on Fab need to be a little kinder when explaining the ways of BDSM to those who don't know thise ways. People regularly say stupidly ignorant stuff about BDSM but to in effect call them stupid and ignorant is not conducive to helping them learn. We are all rightly concerned about people's safety but there are ways and means.
"
Fair points well made. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for
Right?!
I remember the outrage in the kink scene when the book was released over the fact that it was in places borderline **use (wont post the word here) and showed the whole bdsm scene in a very bad light
I've been a part of the kink scene for 11ish years, and the influx of unsafe players has been ridiculous. I've seen some things which have really turned my stomach at events. Borderline is underselling, it's outright **use (following you here on that) that whole way through.
Can that really be attributed to a book that was just a modern day and slightly more raunchy mills and boon?
I think there's a solid argument that is the case. Maybe not entirely by itself, but definitely a huge contributing factor. I know I don't speak for the scene but I think you'd be hard pressed to find a kinkster that didn't have similar feelings.
There is no scene, there is no rule book, there are people and just like in here they are all very different. There is no authorised version of kink , my my is my kink abs yours is yours
Disagree about the scene and 'authorised' version - see RACK and SSC. Agreed about individual kink."
Therefore, I would love to see a debate on here about where exactly 50 shades goes in contrast to SSC amd RACK. No one ever does they whine and say “uhhh not a real dom’ how dare they let the masses know about kink |
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"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for
Right?!
I remember the outrage in the kink scene when the book was released over the fact that it was in places borderline **use (wont post the word here) and showed the whole bdsm scene in a very bad light
I've been a part of the kink scene for 11ish years, and the influx of unsafe players has been ridiculous. I've seen some things which have really turned my stomach at events. Borderline is underselling, it's outright **use (following you here on that) that whole way through.
Can that really be attributed to a book that was just a modern day and slightly more raunchy mills and boon?
I think there's a solid argument that is the case. Maybe not entirely by itself, but definitely a huge contributing factor. I know I don't speak for the scene but I think you'd be hard pressed to find a kinkster that didn't have similar feelings."
When you couple it with people who read the books/watched the films and then went on find 10 minute clips on free porn sites naively thinking they were getting the full picture of the lifestyle I suppose a lot is down to 50 shades, however I believe the internet in general and the ease of accessibility to the wrong education coupled with the lack of inclination to dig deeper and educate ones self before proclaiming themselves an "expert" is largely responsible for an influx of unsafe participants.
Mr Hayes. |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for "
Not it really doesn’t.
Porn is more a danger to kink and BDSM than rewritten twilight fan fiction. |
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"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for
Right?!
I remember the outrage in the kink scene when the book was released over the fact that it was in places borderline **use (wont post the word here) and showed the whole bdsm scene in a very bad light
I've been a part of the kink scene for 11ish years, and the influx of unsafe players has been ridiculous. I've seen some things which have really turned my stomach at events. Borderline is underselling, it's outright **use (following you here on that) that whole way through.
Can that really be attributed to a book that was just a modern day and slightly more raunchy mills and boon?
I think there's a solid argument that is the case. Maybe not entirely by itself, but definitely a huge contributing factor. I know I don't speak for the scene but I think you'd be hard pressed to find a kinkster that didn't have similar feelings.
There is no scene, there is no rule book, there are people and just like in here they are all very different. There is no authorised version of kink , my my is my kink abs yours is yours "
There is a massive kink scene trust me I have helped with organising events and socials, traded for a number of years at fetish markets in London and Brighton and can promise you that there is very much a kink scene that is full of people that would and did turn their backs on people that thought 50shades was how the kink community actually behaved. So far as rule books that would depend on your particular choice of lifestyle or dynamic as some actually do have rule books that state how each person should act within the dynamic, take the gorian lifestyle for instance that has many set rules that a sl**e is expected to follow to serve her master properly, but above all Safe Sain and consensual and Risk Aware Consensual Kink set guidelines that help keep people safe when playing. I think the phrase you are looking for is "your kink is not my kink but your kink is ok" which is fine so long as it falls within the scope of SSC or RACK but when you see idiots trying to do things that could end in lasting damage, injury or yes even death that is not acceptable under any circumstance. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for
Right?!
I remember the outrage in the kink scene when the book was released over the fact that it was in places borderline **use (wont post the word here) and showed the whole bdsm scene in a very bad light
I've been a part of the kink scene for 11ish years, and the influx of unsafe players has been ridiculous. I've seen some things which have really turned my stomach at events. Borderline is underselling, it's outright **use (following you here on that) that whole way through.
Can that really be attributed to a book that was just a modern day and slightly more raunchy mills and boon?
I think there's a solid argument that is the case. Maybe not entirely by itself, but definitely a huge contributing factor. I know I don't speak for the scene but I think you'd be hard pressed to find a kinkster that didn't have similar feelings.
When you couple it with people who read the books/watched the films and then went on find 10 minute clips on free porn sites naively thinking they were getting the full picture of the lifestyle I suppose a lot is down to 50 shades, however I believe the internet in general and the ease of accessibility to the wrong education coupled with the lack of inclination to dig deeper and educate ones self before proclaiming themselves an "expert" is largely responsible for an influx of unsafe participants.
Mr Hayes. "
Devil's advocate; surely the author has a responsibility to show the subject matter in a realistic light given the sensitivity of it? Especially with everything you've just said. |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for
Right?!
I remember the outrage in the kink scene when the book was released over the fact that it was in places borderline **use (wont post the word here) and showed the whole bdsm scene in a very bad light
I've been a part of the kink scene for 11ish years, and the influx of unsafe players has been ridiculous. I've seen some things which have really turned my stomach at events. Borderline is underselling, it's outright **use (following you here on that) that whole way through.
Can that really be attributed to a book that was just a modern day and slightly more raunchy mills and boon?"
No its just people hating on something that brought into the mainstream their secret squirrel bullshit.
Most people hating on it haven’t read it, and its unlikely the people they are hating on have read it either.
Kink porn; sex and submission, public disgrace, the upper floor, hard tied etc. are more at fault for the increase in dangerous players.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for
Right?!
I remember the outrage in the kink scene when the book was released over the fact that it was in places borderline **use (wont post the word here) and showed the whole bdsm scene in a very bad light
I've been a part of the kink scene for 11ish years, and the influx of unsafe players has been ridiculous. I've seen some things which have really turned my stomach at events. Borderline is underselling, it's outright **use (following you here on that) that whole way through.
Can that really be attributed to a book that was just a modern day and slightly more raunchy mills and boon?
No its just people hating on something that brought into the mainstream their secret squirrel bullshit.
Most people hating on it haven’t read it, and its unlikely the people they are hating on have read it either.
Kink porn; sex and submission, public disgrace, the upper floor, hard tied etc. are more at fault for the increase in dangerous players.
"
That's a very blanket statement that doesn't hold much, if any water.
It isn't 'just' people hating something. Ignoring people's concerns about it is irresponsible.
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"Let me put some alternative points.
Firstly the sub only has control as to what happens to their body (as should every adult of sound sense and not convicted) they do not control the relationship. It seems to be missed that a submissive seeks situations to be created for their submission, therefore they need a relationship as much as a dominant; and I would suggest in practice, a sound relationship is balanced.
In seeking what they crave some submissives like the mindset that they cannot refuse the dominant. This is very different from the dominant imposing that a sub can't refuse them (though some submissives like this). Clearly, there should negotiation and discussion, and clearly the submissive should be aware they (and also the dominant if they wish) can walk away at any minute. Also the submissive needs to be clear whether they really want to submit to everything (or just those within a limited scope). But if the submissive chooses to be obediant and the dominant accepts it (not all dominants want it) it is the submissives call to have that mindset. Hence you have M/S relationships, Gorean relationships, 1950's relationship, female led relationships, and a host of other lifestyles.
But it is up to the submissive to choose well the dominant, as an empathic dominant will try to understand what the submissive is really looking for and check they really mean what they say. Non-empathic dominants will not do the work and take them at their word. But this still does not absolve the dominant from obtaining consent and not get huffy if the submissive does not obey.
I heard a great phase on the podcast F@@ks Given the one with Reed's dom couple (and I recommend this particular podcast). The Dom said "dominance is 90% administration" which is something I have felt but not been able articulate.
One last comment, I know people do it for good reasons but I do feel experienced people on Fab need to be a little kinder when explaining the ways of BDSM to those who don't know thise ways. People regularly say stupidly ignorant stuff about BDSM but to in effect call them stupid and ignorant is not conducive to helping them learn. We are all rightly concerned about people's safety but there are ways and means.
Fair points well made."
Agreed, v good insight.
One point you you make about the sub walking away at any minute and it also relates to using a safe word.
It’s not always possible is it?
Let’s be honest , the Dom often has to use judgement and decide what is best for the sub because they are incapable of responding in normal ways , you can only do this If you know the person very well, subtle signs and body language , and intuition from experience and possibly previous mistakes .
You also don’t often know how you will respond to something the first time it happened
How people meet up and play hardcore with strangers is beyond comprehension for me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Let me put some alternative points.
Firstly the sub only has control as to what happens to their body (as should every adult of sound sense and not convicted) they do not control the relationship. It seems to be missed that a submissive seeks situations to be created for their submission, therefore they need a relationship as much as a dominant; and I would suggest in practice, a sound relationship is balanced.
In seeking what they crave some submissives like the mindset that they cannot refuse the dominant. This is very different from the dominant imposing that a sub can't refuse them (though some submissives like this). Clearly, there should negotiation and discussion, and clearly the submissive should be aware they (and also the dominant if they wish) can walk away at any minute. Also the submissive needs to be clear whether they really want to submit to everything (or just those within a limited scope). But if the submissive chooses to be obediant and the dominant accepts it (not all dominants want it) it is the submissives call to have that mindset. Hence you have M/S relationships, Gorean relationships, 1950's relationship, female led relationships, and a host of other lifestyles.
But it is up to the submissive to choose well the dominant, as an empathic dominant will try to understand what the submissive is really looking for and check they really mean what they say. Non-empathic dominants will not do the work and take them at their word. But this still does not absolve the dominant from obtaining consent and not get huffy if the submissive does not obey.
I heard a great phase on the podcast F@@ks Given the one with Reed's dom couple (and I recommend this particular podcast). The Dom said "dominance is 90% administration" which is something I have felt but not been able articulate.
One last comment, I know people do it for good reasons but I do feel experienced people on Fab need to be a little kinder when explaining the ways of BDSM to those who don't know thise ways. People regularly say stupidly ignorant stuff about BDSM but to in effect call them stupid and ignorant is not conducive to helping them learn. We are all rightly concerned about people's safety but there are ways and means.
Fair points well made.
Agreed, v good insight.
One point you you make about the sub walking away at any minute and it also relates to using a safe word.
It’s not always possible is it?
Let’s be honest , the Dom often has to use judgement and decide what is best for the sub because they are incapable of responding in normal ways , you can only do this If you know the person very well, subtle signs and body language , and intuition from experience and possibly previous mistakes .
You also don’t often know how you will respond to something the first time it happened
How people meet up and play hardcore with strangers is beyond comprehension for me "
Your last point is bang on the money, and exactly where my concern stems from. |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for
Right?!
I remember the outrage in the kink scene when the book was released over the fact that it was in places borderline **use (wont post the word here) and showed the whole bdsm scene in a very bad light
I've been a part of the kink scene for 11ish years, and the influx of unsafe players has been ridiculous. I've seen some things which have really turned my stomach at events. Borderline is underselling, it's outright **use (following you here on that) that whole way through.
Can that really be attributed to a book that was just a modern day and slightly more raunchy mills and boon?
No its just people hating on something that brought into the mainstream their secret squirrel bullshit.
Most people hating on it haven’t read it, and its unlikely the people they are hating on have read it either.
Kink porn; sex and submission, public disgrace, the upper floor, hard tied etc. are more at fault for the increase in dangerous players.
That's a very blanket statement that doesn't hold much, if any water.
It isn't 'just' people hating something. Ignoring people's concerns about it is irresponsible.
"
Ignoring concerns about a book being labelled as the big bad in kink is irresponsible, but highlighting the massive amount of kink porn that is readily available isn’t?
I have yet to meet anyone at an event or munch that uses the books as training or reference material, because there are no pictures or visual aids.
Porn on the other hand is taken as an instructional video, and more people have explained away their experience as having watched countless hours. |
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"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for
Right?!
I remember the outrage in the kink scene when the book was released over the fact that it was in places borderline **use (wont post the word here) and showed the whole bdsm scene in a very bad light
I've been a part of the kink scene for 11ish years, and the influx of unsafe players has been ridiculous. I've seen some things which have really turned my stomach at events. Borderline is underselling, it's outright **use (following you here on that) that whole way through.
Can that really be attributed to a book that was just a modern day and slightly more raunchy mills and boon?
I think there's a solid argument that is the case. Maybe not entirely by itself, but definitely a huge contributing factor. I know I don't speak for the scene but I think you'd be hard pressed to find a kinkster that didn't have similar feelings.
When you couple it with people who read the books/watched the films and then went on find 10 minute clips on free porn sites naively thinking they were getting the full picture of the lifestyle I suppose a lot is down to 50 shades, however I believe the internet in general and the ease of accessibility to the wrong education coupled with the lack of inclination to dig deeper and educate ones self before proclaiming themselves an "expert" is largely responsible for an influx of unsafe participants.
Mr Hayes.
Devil's advocate; surely the author has a responsibility to show the subject matter in a realistic light given the sensitivity of it? Especially with everything you've just said."
Indeed they do, however the author cant control what people do with their perceived understanding of what they have read, there will be people in the scene who are unsafe due to the books just as much as there are probably people who are safer having read the same books, I suppose my point is that it's not just one single thing that "brings down a plane" it's a series of perfectly timed happenings and events that lead to the outcome. I personally haven't read the books as I'm not a big reader of fiction, I did however quite enjoy the films from a purely entertainment standpoint and in my opinion a lot of what is portrayed is quite tame and I dont see how it's solely to blame for unsafe participants.
Mr Hayes. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I think people are the problem with kink, websites, fiction, films etc etc just cater to a market.
It's a person that is a dangerous player, not a website. No matter what a website publishes, its a person that then goes out to try and recreate that.
I've seen plenty of people before and after 50 shades, various named websites etc that wanted to go harder, faster than someone else. Doms boasting their sub could take more impact, subs boasting they couldn't be "broken".
People and their egos are the issue, not films, websites or books. I've seen plenty of things go wrong because people are not always thinking sensible.
They really aren't applying ssc!
Just my thoughts
Good discussion |
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for
Right?!
I remember the outrage in the kink scene when the book was released over the fact that it was in places borderline **use (wont post the word here) and showed the whole bdsm scene in a very bad light
I've been a part of the kink scene for 11ish years, and the influx of unsafe players has been ridiculous. I've seen some things which have really turned my stomach at events. Borderline is underselling, it's outright **use (following you here on that) that whole way through.
Can that really be attributed to a book that was just a modern day and slightly more raunchy mills and boon?
No its just people hating on something that brought into the mainstream their secret squirrel bullshit.
Most people hating on it haven’t read it, and its unlikely the people they are hating on have read it either.
Kink porn; sex and submission, public disgrace, the upper floor, hard tied etc. are more at fault for the increase in dangerous players.
"
I've read it... when it came out I was running the 2nd largest munch in the UK, I wanted to know the source material for when people walked through the door.
It did bring a huge amount of people to the scene, but that was years ago... and most people were willing to learn but it paints bdsm and d/s in such a bad light.
I don't think kink porn can be blamed totally either, there has always been kink porn, some of the insex stuff was far worse...
What I have found is that the scene in general doesn't seem to push learning in the way it used to, my munch had a whole reading library, there were far more demos etc than there are (and I am talking pre pandemic) |
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"I think people are the problem with kink, websites, fiction, films etc etc just cater to a market.
It's a person that is a dangerous player, not a website. No matter what a website publishes, its a person that then goes out to try and recreate that.
I've seen plenty of people before and after 50 shades, various named websites etc that wanted to go harder, faster than someone else. Doms boasting their sub could take more impact, subs boasting they couldn't be "broken".
People and their egos are the issue, not films, websites or books. I've seen plenty of things go wrong because people are not always thinking sensible.
They really aren't applying ssc!
Just my thoughts
Good discussion "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for
Right?!
I remember the outrage in the kink scene when the book was released over the fact that it was in places borderline **use (wont post the word here) and showed the whole bdsm scene in a very bad light
I've been a part of the kink scene for 11ish years, and the influx of unsafe players has been ridiculous. I've seen some things which have really turned my stomach at events. Borderline is underselling, it's outright **use (following you here on that) that whole way through.
Can that really be attributed to a book that was just a modern day and slightly more raunchy mills and boon?
No its just people hating on something that brought into the mainstream their secret squirrel bullshit.
Most people hating on it haven’t read it, and its unlikely the people they are hating on have read it either.
Kink porn; sex and submission, public disgrace, the upper floor, hard tied etc. are more at fault for the increase in dangerous players.
That's a very blanket statement that doesn't hold much, if any water.
It isn't 'just' people hating something. Ignoring people's concerns about it is irresponsible.
Ignoring concerns about a book being labelled as the big bad in kink is irresponsible, but highlighting the massive amount of kink porn that is readily available isn’t?
I have yet to meet anyone at an event or munch that uses the books as training or reference material, because there are no pictures or visual aids.
Porn on the other hand is taken as an instructional video, and more people have explained away their experience as having watched countless hours."
I've said nothing about the book being used as a training tool, that isn't my point whatsoever.
My point is the amount of people its brought in that haven't educated themselves, that take the book word for word as a bdsm Bible.
And I've met plenty at munches, parties and online interactions who were brought I'm solely by 50 Shades. You can't use your experiences to speak for everyone. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
What I have found is that the scene in general doesn't seem to push learning in the way it used to, my munch had a whole reading library, there were far more demos etc than there are (and I am talking pre pandemic)"
I don't think it does, there doesn't seem to be the mentoring either these days. But, like many thanks kink has become a victim of its own popularity.
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"How people meet up and play hardcore with strangers is beyond comprehension for me "
Outside of making use of a house Dom, I agree. Most people I know don’t engage in pick up play, but I am aware it happens.
In my experience it tends to be they are either lacking in education about safety (don’t understand or appreciate RACK or PRICK), are abusers who want to exploit a less experienced Top/bottom or people wanting to impress someone/play with a fetlebrity (local or otherwise). |
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By *panddaCouple
over a year ago
West Mids |
"Are there any Dom’s out there who like a sub? Curious to switch up and see what it is like to be told what to do and being unable to refuse! Either online or in real meet! "
Gone already.
Fucking hilarious!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Submission is about mutual trust and respect, not just doing as your told
Where do people get their ideas from?
50 shade of bloody grey has so much to answer for
Right?!
I remember the outrage in the kink scene when the book was released over the fact that it was in places borderline **use (wont post the word here) and showed the whole bdsm scene in a very bad light
I've been a part of the kink scene for 11ish years, and the influx of unsafe players has been ridiculous. I've seen some things which have really turned my stomach at events. Borderline is underselling, it's outright **use (following you here on that) that whole way through.
Can that really be attributed to a book that was just a modern day and slightly more raunchy mills and boon?
I think there's a solid argument that is the case. Maybe not entirely by itself, but definitely a huge contributing factor. I know I don't speak for the scene but I think you'd be hard pressed to find a kinkster that didn't have similar feelings."
What specifically about the book is so heinous? |
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"How people meet up and play hardcore with strangers is beyond comprehension for me
Outside of making use of a house Dom, I agree. Most people I know don’t engage in pick up play, but I am aware it happens.
In my experience it tends to be they are either lacking in education about safety (don’t understand or appreciate RACK or PRICK), are abusers who want to exploit a less experienced Top/bottom or people wanting to impress someone/play with a fetlebrity (local or otherwise)."
I don't know many people who do either... I certainly wouldn't play hard with someone until we had been playing for a while. Not that some people haven't tried to convince me like...
It's why I've always advised people to play at a club as a bare minimum (and why I've volunteered to go to clubs with people who are going to play with someone for the first time to act as a spotter for them) |
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"What specifically about the book is so heinous?"
The actual description of bdsm play is quite mild...
The D/s (or more accurately @8use) is the issue.
A large portion of what he does is does without consent let alone informed consent...
Then there is the underlying insinuation across all three books is that he is only that way because he's damaged and was abused and really he just needed to be loved to be fixed. |
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"What specifically about the book is so heinous?
The actual description of bdsm play is quite mild...
The D/s (or more accurately @8use) is the issue.
A large portion of what he does is does without consent let alone informed consent...
Then there is the underlying insinuation across all three books is that he is only that way because he's damaged and was abused and really he just needed to be loved to be fixed."
Nailed it perfectly |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What specifically about the book is so heinous?
The actual description of bdsm play is quite mild...
The D/s (or more accurately @8use) is the issue.
A large portion of what he does is does without consent let alone informed consent...
Then there is the underlying insinuation across all three books is that he is only that way because he's damaged and was abused and really he just needed to be loved to be fixed."
Could it be interpreted that he's just 'pushing her boundaries ' (which seems to be much sought after on here).
None of this is my bag, I'm just simply curious about the absolute hatred of this book.
Your last point...is that not just a lazy/twee sub plot...the stuff of all romance novels? Somebody needs saving |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"I've said nothing about the book being used as a training tool, that isn't my point whatsoever.
My point is the amount of people its brought in that haven't educated themselves, that take the book word for word as a bdsm Bible.
And I've met plenty at munches, parties and online interactions who were brought I'm solely by 50 Shades. You can't use your experiences to speak for everyone."
What about the Gorean subculture?
Do you view people that get into the scene through those books differently?
Why is it one set of books are okay to act as a springboard into the lifestyle yet another isn’t?
Surely we should be embracing everyone that has an interest in the lifestyle, and then teying to ensure they are informed as much as possible so they can choose to educate themselves?
Shitposting about how 50 Shades ruined the lifestyle by increasing the number of dangerous people is counter productive. Make them less dangerous. |
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"Could it be interpreted that he's just 'pushing her boundaries ' (which seems to be much sought after on here).
None of this is my bag, I'm just simply curious about the absolute hatred of this book.
Your last point...is that not just a lazy/twee sub plot...the stuff of all romance novels? Somebody needs saving "
In the book she is completely vanilla, he pursues her despite her saying no, he uses his power and influence to force her into positions she does not want to be in.
It's not about pushing defined, accepted boundaries, he forces his kinks onto her when she is vocally unwilling.
Is it a lazy subplot? Yes...
Does that lazy subplot repeatedly hammer the point that sadists and dominants are only that way because of mental ill health? Yes...
It's not a celebration or even a positive spin on bdsm at all... |
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"I've said nothing about the book being used as a training tool, that isn't my point whatsoever.
My point is the amount of people its brought in that haven't educated themselves, that take the book word for word as a bdsm Bible.
And I've met plenty at munches, parties and online interactions who were brought I'm solely by 50 Shades. You can't use your experiences to speak for everyone.
What about the Gorean subculture?
Do you view people that get into the scene through those books differently?
Why is it one set of books are okay to act as a springboard into the lifestyle yet another isn’t?
Surely we should be embracing everyone that has an interest in the lifestyle, and then teying to ensure they are informed as much as possible so they can choose to educate themselves?
Shitposting about how 50 Shades ruined the lifestyle by increasing the number of dangerous people is counter productive. Make them less dangerous."
Amen to that.
Mr Hayes. |
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"Surely we should be embracing everyone that has an interest in the lifestyle, and then teying to ensure they are informed as much as possible so they can choose to educate themselves?
Shitposting about how 50 Shades ruined the lifestyle by increasing the number of dangerous people is counter productive. Make them less dangerous."
YES
DING DONG (sorry watching glow up)
It's why I read them, I wanted to be able to welcome people where they were at and be able to gently educate them in how to actually invest in bdsm in a relationship |
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"Could it be interpreted that he's just 'pushing her boundaries ' (which seems to be much sought after on here).
None of this is my bag, I'm just simply curious about the absolute hatred of this book.
Your last point...is that not just a lazy/twee sub plot...the stuff of all romance novels? Somebody needs saving
In the book she is completely vanilla, he pursues her despite her saying no, he uses his power and influence to force her into positions she does not want to be in.
It's not about pushing defined, accepted boundaries, he forces his kinks onto her when she is vocally unwilling.
Is it a lazy subplot? Yes...
Does that lazy subplot repeatedly hammer the point that sadists and dominants are only that way because of mental ill health? Yes...
It's not a celebration or even a positive spin on bdsm at all... "
In that case what about stephen shainbergs "secretary" circa 2002 it portrays the self same thing yet people dont cast blame on his efforts (arguably it wasn't a massive hit like 50 shades and didn't inspire retail stores to bring out a kink range in its name)
Mr Hayes. |
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By *aliceWoman
over a year ago
Birmingham |
Theres far too much gatekeeping, snobbery and elitisn in the kink community.
The only 'correct' D/S dynamic is one that works for both of the people involved and gives them both what they're looking for.
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"In that case what about stephen shainbergs "secretary" circa 2002 it portrays the self same thing yet people dont cast blame on his efforts (arguably it wasn't a massive hit like 50 shades and didn't inspire retail stores to bring out a kink range in its name)
Mr Hayes. "
I feel the same way about that, and I know quite a few people who share that view point...
There are even moments where I'm uncomfortable in preaching to the perverted... |
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"What specifically about the book is so heinous?
The actual description of bdsm play is quite mild...
The D/s (or more accurately @8use) is the issue.
A large portion of what he does is does without consent let alone informed consent...
Then there is the underlying insinuation across all three books is that he is only that way because he's damaged and was abused and really he just needed to be loved to be fixed.
Could it be interpreted that he's just 'pushing her boundaries ' (which seems to be much sought after on here).
None of this is my bag, I'm just simply curious about the absolute hatred of this book.
Your last point...is that not just a lazy/twee sub plot...the stuff of all romance novels? Somebody needs saving "
I think people could misinterpret what he does as pushing her boundaries when in fact it is **use and this is where the issue is for a lot of people within the kink and bdsm community, it gives the wrong impression of how things really are, bdsm and kink as mentioned rely on trust, communication and above all consent which the book doesn't show, it's not all about just taking a paddle and spanking someone into a dribbling mess, there is so much more to it than that, there is a whole lot of communication and discussion of limits, likes, dislikes, safe words ect and also trust that these will be adhered to then there is aftercare and making sure both parties are safe and happy during and after the scene, then you also have the emotional side of things aswell that has to be taken into account. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Could it be interpreted that he's just 'pushing her boundaries ' (which seems to be much sought after on here).
None of this is my bag, I'm just simply curious about the absolute hatred of this book.
Your last point...is that not just a lazy/twee sub plot...the stuff of all romance novels? Somebody needs saving
In the book she is completely vanilla, he pursues her despite her saying no, he uses his power and influence to force her into positions she does not want to be in.
It's not about pushing defined, accepted boundaries, he forces his kinks onto her when she is vocally unwilling.
Is it a lazy subplot? Yes...
Does that lazy subplot repeatedly hammer the point that sadists and dominants are only that way because of mental ill health? Yes...
It's not a celebration or even a positive spin on bdsm at all... "
And yet millions of women laud it for pepping up their sex life |
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"And yet millions of women laud it for pepping up their sex life "
No-one is saying it didn't, and I'm pretty reassured that plenty of people already in long term, loving relationships used it as a spring board to add some sprinkles to their sex life...
But that doesn't mean it gives a healthy depiction of bdsm. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"And yet millions of women laud it for pepping up their sex life
No-one is saying it didn't, and I'm pretty reassured that plenty of people already in long term, loving relationships used it as a spring board to add some sprinkles to their sex life...
But that doesn't mean it gives a healthy depiction of bdsm."
Perhaps that was never it's intended purpose |
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"perhaps that was never it's intended purpose "
It's intended purpose was never meant to be on anything other than on fanfic websites (which is obvious when you read it, the writing is bad for fanfic let alone trashy romance) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
I think people could misinterpret what he does as pushing her boundaries when in fact it is **use and this is where the issue is for a lot of people within the kink and bdsm community, it gives the wrong impression of how things really are, bdsm and kink as mentioned rely on trust, communication and above all consent which the book doesn't show, it's not all about just taking a paddle and spanking someone into a dribbling mess, there is so much more to it than that, there is a whole lot of communication and discussion of limits, likes, dislikes, safe words ect and also trust that these will be adhered to then there is aftercare and making sure both parties are safe and happy during and after the scene, then you also have the emotional side of things aswell that has to be taken into account."
But they do live happily ever after. What's so bad about that? |
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To be quite honest many people dont understand the dom/sub relationship it really quite equal and not about the sub doing as she is told. Building up a trust and understanding of each others need is paramout, its not for everyone but if it works out it can be a rewarding relationship |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Are there any Dom’s out there who like a sub? Curious to switch up and see what it is like to be told what to do and being unable to refuse! Either online or in real meet! "
This logic and understanding of sub/Dom is the reason play can go so badly , I have first hand experience just this week of someone thinking unable to refuse is acceptable !!!!
Always able to refuse but trusting in your capabilities to keep me safe and know my limits , boundaries and desires is probably more appropriate !!
Play safe and consensual folks |
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"
I think people could misinterpret what he does as pushing her boundaries when in fact it is **use and this is where the issue is for a lot of people within the kink and bdsm community, it gives the wrong impression of how things really are, bdsm and kink as mentioned rely on trust, communication and above all consent which the book doesn't show, it's not all about just taking a paddle and spanking someone into a dribbling mess, there is so much more to it than that, there is a whole lot of communication and discussion of limits, likes, dislikes, safe words ect and also trust that these will be adhered to then there is aftercare and making sure both parties are safe and happy during and after the scene, then you also have the emotional side of things aswell that has to be taken into account.
But they do live happily ever after. What's so bad about that?"
Overstepping peoples boundaries and **use of a partner will never be happy ever after, and the way the book portrays bdsm along with some of the kink porn out there that others have mentioned can very easily lead people to believe that unsafe, harmful and dangerous practices are acceptable people should always make sure they have researched the things they want to do and understand safe practices properly, also just as important to know what to do if things go wrong just incase it does happen. |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
"How people meet up and play hardcore with strangers is beyond comprehension for me
Outside of making use of a house Dom, I agree. Most people I know don’t engage in pick up play, but I am aware it happens.
In my experience it tends to be they are either lacking in education about safety (don’t understand or appreciate RACK or PRICK), are abusers who want to exploit a less experienced Top/bottom or people wanting to impress someone/play with a fetlebrity (local or otherwise)."
I hope you don't mind if put an alternative view.
Pick up Play: the fab forum has a number of snakepits that I avoid. This is because if you don't agree with the majority view, well you have all seen the scenes in the movies. The difference between how men and women are treated is one of them. As a single male I would not have got started if I had not done pick up play. I know a number of competent single dominants who did likewise. It is a myth that there is only one to be a skilled dominant. The rope scene regularly does pick up play at peer ropes. If you are a single rigger the only way to get experience is to do the hard miles to different peer ropes and play with people. It is more than just labbing rope in real time, it is about giving someone an experience. Although a peer rope may be considered a safe space compared to a dungeon.
I have played with people at Antichrist, Subversion Noir, and club subversion. I played with single women and women in couples. The main reason for the women is that did not have a regular partner or had a partner that was not skilled.
Also, many times on fab people talk about getting to know people, forming a deep connection and then having deep and meaningful sex. Whereas in my experience if you actually go to clubs, there are an equal amount of people want to meet someone scratch the sex itch and get on with their life without someone cluttering up their life. The same occurs with pick up play
I would also mention the following in regard to house Doms, which may be a London issue. They get to pick and choose, they are normally busy and can have a type. If you do not fit the type a woman won't get picked.
Are there abusers and a unskilled pick up players? Certainly, but no more than in couples. The number of submissives that praise their doms only for a few months or years later to say he was an abuser or a narcissist is very high.
The key thing is educating submissives and or tops to avoid abusers. Watch the person play,did you like how they played Have a friend watch the scene, who has authority to jump inif they see anything wrong
I still do pick up and play when I go to my favourite naturist club, I generally take my floggers and rope. If it's quiet, I self suspend.
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
It is very much a trope of BDSM fiction including the literate erotica, that poor person meets rich person that persuades them down the line of BDSM. The rich person is usually damaged in some way. Go look on Amazon. If you look at these books they are in consent terms deeply worrying. But it is romantic fiction and not meant to be a manual, and yes they all have happy ever afters. The thing about 50SOG is that it normalised the BDSM fantasies of a huge amount of woman. Blaming 50SOG is like blaming the Joker for an increase in crime. |
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"How people meet up and play hardcore with strangers is beyond comprehension for me
Outside of making use of a house Dom, I agree. Most people I know don’t engage in pick up play, but I am aware it happens.
In my experience it tends to be they are either lacking in education about safety (don’t understand or appreciate RACK or PRICK), are abusers who want to exploit a less experienced Top/bottom or people wanting to impress someone/play with a fetlebrity (local or otherwise).
I hope you don't mind if put an alternative view.
Pick up Play: the fab forum has a number of snakepits that I avoid. This is because if you don't agree with the majority view, well you have all seen the scenes in the movies. The difference between how men and women are treated is one of them. As a single male I would not have got started if I had not done pick up play. I know a number of competent single dominants who did likewise. It is a myth that there is only one to be a skilled dominant. The rope scene regularly does pick up play at peer ropes. If you are a single rigger the only way to get experience is to do the hard miles to different peer ropes and play with people. It is more than just labbing rope in real time, it is about giving someone an experience. Although a peer rope may be considered a safe space compared to a dungeon.
I have played with people at Antichrist, Subversion Noir, and club subversion. I played with single women and women in couples. The main reason for the women is that did not have a regular partner or had a partner that was not skilled.
Also, many times on fab people talk about getting to know people, forming a deep connection and then having deep and meaningful sex. Whereas in my experience if you actually go to clubs, there are an equal amount of people want to meet someone scratch the sex itch and get on with their life without someone cluttering up their life. The same occurs with pick up play
I would also mention the following in regard to house Doms, which may be a London issue. They get to pick and choose, they are normally busy and can have a type. If you do not fit the type a woman won't get picked.
Are there abusers and a unskilled pick up players? Certainly, but no more than in couples. The number of submissives that praise their doms only for a few months or years later to say he was an abuser or a narcissist is very high.
The key thing is educating submissives and or tops to avoid abusers. Watch the person play,did you like how they played Have a friend watch the scene, who has authority to jump inif they see anything wrong
I still do pick up and play when I go to my favourite naturist club, I generally take my floggers and rope. If it's quiet, I self suspend.
"
You see, I read that as private, none club based play. I see clubs as a very different situation. (And peer rope groups/jams are fully intended to be instructional)
In clubs not only is extreme play much less likely but there are people on hand to ensure safety, safeword adherence etc...
Honestly, my experience of playing in London was that mild-mid level play ended up with a DM spotting and more than one person checking afterwards when I went to the toilet that I was aware I didn't have to stay in an abuse relationship (it was far from abusive or as hard as we would play in Manchester let alone at home!) |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
"How people meet up and play hardcore with strangers is beyond comprehension for me
Outside of making use of a house Dom, I agree. Most people I know don’t engage in pick up play, but I am aware it happens.
In my experience it tends to be they are either lacking in education about safety (don’t understand or appreciate RACK or PRICK), are abusers who want to exploit a less experienced Top/bottom or people wanting to impress someone/play with a fetlebrity (local or otherwise).
I hope you don't mind if put an alternative view.
Pick up Play: the fab forum has a number of snakepits that I avoid. This is because if you don't agree with the majority view, well you have all seen the scenes in the movies. The difference between how men and women are treated is one of them. As a single male I would not have got started if I had not done pick up play. I know a number of competent single dominants who did likewise. It is a myth that there is only one to be a skilled dominant. The rope scene regularly does pick up play at peer ropes. If you are a single rigger the only way to get experience is to do the hard miles to different peer ropes and play with people. It is more than just labbing rope in real time, it is about giving someone an experience. Although a peer rope may be considered a safe space compared to a dungeon.
I have played with people at Antichrist, Subversion Noir, and club subversion. I played with single women and women in couples. The main reason for the women is that did not have a regular partner or had a partner that was not skilled.
Also, many times on fab people talk about getting to know people, forming a deep connection and then having deep and meaningful sex. Whereas in my experience if you actually go to clubs, there are an equal amount of people want to meet someone scratch the sex itch and get on with their life without someone cluttering up their life. The same occurs with pick up play
I would also mention the following in regard to house Doms, which may be a London issue. They get to pick and choose, they are normally busy and can have a type. If you do not fit the type a woman won't get picked.
Are there abusers and a unskilled pick up players? Certainly, but no more than in couples. The number of submissives that praise their doms only for a few months or years later to say he was an abuser or a narcissist is very high.
The key thing is educating submissives and or tops to avoid abusers. Watch the person play,did you like how they played Have a friend watch the scene, who has authority to jump inif they see anything wrong
I still do pick up and play when I go to my favourite naturist club, I generally take my floggers and rope. If it's quiet, I self suspend.
You see, I read that as private, none club based play. I see clubs as a very different situation. (And peer rope groups/jams are fully intended to be instructional)
In clubs not only is extreme play much less likely but there are people on hand to ensure safety, safeword adherence etc...
Honestly, my experience of playing in London was that mild-mid level play ended up with a DM spotting and more than one person checking afterwards when I went to the toilet that I was aware I didn't have to stay in an abuse relationship (it was far from abusive or as hard as we would play in Manchester let alone at home!)"
Ah, thanks, I have only seen the phrase used in terms of clubs. Then, I am glad to be agreeing with the ftcple. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Some of the replies on here are crazy.
Your all acting like you know the OPs intentions. I can say I'm Michael Jordan it doesn't make it true. Perhaps he just got carried away. |
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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago
Burnleyish (She/They) |
"Some of the replies on here are crazy.
Your all acting like you know the OPs intentions. I can say I'm Michael Jordan it doesn't make it true. Perhaps he just got carried away. "
We can't know the OPs intentions as they went UNLOS pretty much straight after posting...
BDSM isn't something you should 'just get carried away' with, kinda what we were talking about... |
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"Some of the replies on here are crazy.
Your all acting like you know the OPs intentions. I can say I'm Michael Jordan it doesn't make it true. Perhaps he just got carried away.
We can't know the OPs intentions as they went UNLOS pretty much straight after posting...
BDSM isn't something you should 'just get carried away' with, kinda what we were talking about... "
Maybe he did get carried away and maybe some of the replies are "crazy" however I feel most people have contributed to an open and frank discussion that hopefully has prevented the OP from getting themself into a situation that they dont actually want to be in, or has provided others with some new knowledge that may protect them in the future, every day is a school day after all.
Mr Hayes. |
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"Some of the replies on here are crazy.
Your all acting like you know the OPs intentions. I can say I'm Michael Jordan it doesn't make it true. Perhaps he just got carried away.
We can't know the OPs intentions as they went UNLOS pretty much straight after posting...
BDSM isn't something you should 'just get carried away' with, kinda what we were talking about...
Maybe he did get carried away and maybe some of the replies are "crazy" however I feel most people have contributed to an open and frank discussion that hopefully has prevented the OP from getting themself into a situation that they dont actually want to be in, or has provided others with some new knowledge that may protect them in the future, every day is a school day after all.
Mr Hayes. "
This I personally have seen subs treated in a disgusting manner by wanna be Doms and Dommes, pretty much used for their pleasure and then just dropped without a thought or care for the submissive, to the point that I personally stopped a male sub walking out into the road after the Domme he came to the club with finished with him and just left him spaced out and in an utter state after a very heavy CBT season, the fella had no clue what was going on where the Domme was or how he was going to get home from the club  |
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