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Who else is in a sexless marriage?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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So been with my wife 25 years and married 16. We've been together from school and as the years have gone on the sex has become less and less upto now where sex is like a taboo and more I try the less she feels like it but if I don't try I dont get it. Its even been the case where we start and so far into it she'll just say I'm not feeling it. So anyone else in the same sort of boat here would love to hear your thoughts and how your situation is |
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Esther Perel "mating in captivity"
Have a read or listen to that.
No I'm not in your situation but I do know that trying means digging deeper than attempting to instigate sex. It means wanting to understand |
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By *tue555Man
over a year ago
Passed Beyond Reach |
"So been with my wife 25 years and married 16. We've been together from school and as the years have gone on the sex has become less and less upto now where sex is like a taboo and more I try the less she feels like it but if I don't try I dont get it. Its even been the case where we start and so far into it she'll just say I'm not feeling it. So anyone else in the same sort of boat here would love to hear your thoughts and how your situation is "
First advice would be to put your hard-hat and body armour on and try not to get drawn to the line of fire.
Secondly things change you say 25 years.
Sex is the be end all for some there are more things such as companionship.
The more you press her the more she will withdraw, so many guys make this mistake in relationships.
1) First try to understand.
2) stop putting pressure on
3) maybe try to encourage her to talk to someone if she finds it difficult to talk to you.
4) some women find some aspects of sex unpleasant even painful as they get older.
5) she may not find sex satisfying in the way you do.
Understanding and communication is the essence even if its through a 3rd party.
 |
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I (Luke) was in a sex less marriage for several years. That's how I ended up on the swinging scene. She told me I wouldn't get it from her so I should go and get it somewhere else.
That was certainly not the only problem in our marriage and in ended failing completely a few years ago. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So been with my wife 25 years and married 16. We've been together from school and as the years have gone on the sex has become less and less upto now where sex is like a taboo and more I try the less she feels like it but if I don't try I dont get it. Its even been the case where we start and so far into it she'll just say I'm not feeling it. So anyone else in the same sort of boat here would love to hear your thoughts and how your situation is "
When did you last try to dazzle her, not just try it on in the bedroom, when did you last make her feel like she is the only woman in the world... feel special, desired and loved...if you can answer this easily then cut the ties and both be happy, if you cant answer this easily....well, you dont deserve her... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"So been with my wife 25 years and married 16. We've been together from school and as the years have gone on the sex has become less and less upto now where sex is like a taboo and more I try the less she feels like it but if I don't try I dont get it. Its even been the case where we start and so far into it she'll just say I'm not feeling it. So anyone else in the same sort of boat here would love to hear your thoughts and how your situation is
When did you last try to dazzle her, not just try it on in the bedroom, when did you last make her feel like she is the only woman in the world... feel special, desired and loved...if you can answer this easily then cut the ties and both be happy, if you cant answer this easily....well, you dont deserve her..."
I can easily answer that question and to be honest it doesn't change how she feels in that department she just love the connection we have and sees that as intimate when we are alone for meals or days out. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Can only suggest you speak openly and calmly about this with your wife sex should be the celebration and worship of you relationship. All of our extra marital fun only adds to an already phenomenal sex live but at one point we were in a similar boat but we kept talking and were honest about everything. Hope you get sorted OP |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So been with my wife 25 years and married 16. We've been together from school and as the years have gone on the sex has become less and less upto now where sex is like a taboo and more I try the less she feels like it but if I don't try I dont get it. Its even been the case where we start and so far into it she'll just say I'm not feeling it. So anyone else in the same sort of boat here would love to hear your thoughts and how your situation is "
Have you been with your wife since you were 16?
If so I'm guessing you hadn't had many sexual partners and experience prior to marriage?
There's no way the 16 year old me would have any of the skills I have learnt over the years from numerous lovers prior to meeting my wife in our 30s.
I've known many women in ltr sexless relationships once its ended go on to meet a considered, experienced lover who has opened a whole new world of sex to them including swinging.
Have you thought about like a previous poster said making your wife feel the centre of the universe outside the bedroom first. At the same time studying the art of sex to try and find techniques that might please / stimulate your wife. I can recommend some good books if interested.
KJ |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"So been with my wife 25 years and married 16. We've been together from school and as the years have gone on the sex has become less and less upto now where sex is like a taboo and more I try the less she feels like it but if I don't try I dont get it. Its even been the case where we start and so far into it she'll just say I'm not feeling it. So anyone else in the same sort of boat here would love to hear your thoughts and how your situation is
Have you been with your wife since you were 16?
If so I'm guessing you hadn't had many sexual partners and experience prior to marriage?
There's no way the 16 year old me would have any of the skills I have learnt over the years from numerous lovers prior to meeting my wife in our 30s.
I've known many women in ltr sexless relationships once its ended go on to meet a considered, experienced lover who has opened a whole new world of sex to them including swinging.
Have you thought about like a previous poster said making your wife feel the centre of the universe outside the bedroom first. At the same time studying the art of sex to try and find techniques that might please / stimulate your wife. I can recommend some good books if interested.
KJ"
Yes been together from 16 lol and would love to know what books? Thanks |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Being married 35 years, and yes sex has tailed off significantly due to illness (both of us) and menopause.
Do I want more sex than her - definitely.
That's what has led me to explore my bi side.
But don't want to hurt her or abandon her after so many years. I'd be heart broken.
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"Being married 35 years, and yes sex has tailed off significantly due to illness (both of us) and menopause.
Do I want more sex than her - definitely.
That's what has led me to explore my bi side.
But don't want to hurt her or abandon her after so many years. I'd be heart broken.
"
Do you think she would be heartbroken to learn you are on here? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was in a sexless relationship for many years. It’s shattering for your self confidence as well as being extremely frustrating. I didn’t cheat though, I left. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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She won't change. If you're financially dependant on each other then you'll just have to try and get someone on the side. But if you can, get rid of her and find someone who'll fuck you. |
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As someone said earlier it's the tlc that's missed the most. Actual sex can be got through making friends on here, paying escorts or using your left hand whilst watching porn. The feel of being intimate can only be gained through being close to someone you love and knowing those feelings are reciprocated. It's heartbreaking when that tlc is no longer given and you spend your time wracked with guilt and self loathing trying to work out what's changed about you to stop being loved.
It's easy to say get divorced but in my case I'm 61 with a teenage daughter who has anxiety issues. We leaving home would cause her no end of problems and I'm not prepared to put her through that. However by the time she leaves home I'll be in my late 60s and can't face the thought of lookibg for a new home and partner at that age.
She's told me she's happy for me to look for sex elsewhere, presumably to ease the pressure from her but I'd be very reluctant to judge other people who are married and on here, they aren't all cheating on their spouses because they are bastards. |
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"Being married 35 years, and yes sex has tailed off significantly due to illness (both of us) and menopause.
Do I want more sex than her - definitely.
That's what has led me to explore my bi side.
But don't want to hurt her or abandon her after so many years. I'd be heart broken.
This
"
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"I was in a sexless relationship for many years. It’s shattering for your self confidence as well as being extremely frustrating. I didn’t cheat though, I left."
His loss... How did he keep his hands off you??? |
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I know we all have needs and it's a very unfortunate situation to be in, but you could potentially ruin her life if she found out you are doing the dirty on her. You should try and resolve together rather than taking it on here, cheating isn't Swinging.
What's more important to you?
Your marriage or getting your willy wet?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was in a sexless relationship for many years. It’s shattering for your self confidence as well as being extremely frustrating. I didn’t cheat though, I left.
His loss... How did he keep his hands off you???"
They weren't compatible... If more people got this, splitting up wouldn't be the horrendous deal it's made out to be. |
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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago
Newcastle |
"So been with my wife 25 years and married 16. We've been together from school and as the years have gone on the sex has become less and less upto now where sex is like a taboo and more I try the less she feels like it but if I don't try I dont get it. Its even been the case where we start and so far into it she'll just say I'm not feeling it. So anyone else in the same sort of boat here would love to hear your thoughts and how your situation is "
Sex is always a team effort have you tried talking with your partner it could be many reasons but something that needs to be explored remember a relationship isn't just about the sex as their are many ways to show affection. So why not asking your partner if everything is ok I don't know how well you or your partner are able to discuss things with each other or how deep.
Hope you are able to get some answers op
Good luck  |
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By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago
Calderdale innit |
Have you asked her if you can look for sex elsewhere if she doesn't want to?
Surely that would be better than sneaking around on here behind her back?.
Talk and explain how important it is to you and that youre not prepared to live like this. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Imo two choices.
Leave.
Or agree that sexually your aren't compatible, even if everything else is, and open up the relationship.
That second one takes work for sure. But imo there is too much put on monogomomy and finding the perfect partner in all areas of your life. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Imo two choices.
Leave.
Or agree that sexually your aren't compatible, even if everything else is, and open up the relationship.
That second one takes work for sure. But imo there is too much put on monogomomy and finding the perfect partner in all areas of your life. "
I have to agree with the bready fella here  |
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By *odjohnCouple (MM)
over a year ago
high Wycombe |
Sex is but a small part of a relationship , many couples, a surprising number, live in a sex less marriage. I just don't fancy her any more.
But have lots to give, but won't be leaving her.
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Following this, hope to pick up some advice too. Some folk saying make her feel special etc and I agree with that sentiment totally, but that has to be reciprocated and the guy needs to feel wanted/loved/desired too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have been with my GF since I was 17, we were both virgins and so only had sex with each other, we had lots of sex at first but over a few years it died off so it was only once every six weeks or so.
We spent some years getting over her jealousy issues, I couldn’t watch porn or anything.
Eventually we started talking about her Bi side and potentially looking for playing with a lady, which led us to opening up the relationship altogether. That and the fact she did Only Fans.
Basically we found that she has certain a kinks and needs which exploded our sex life, now after 11 years together we have sex nearly everyday, we can play separately with others and opening discuss it and I am learning how to be more dominant in the boudoir which is what gets her all wet and noisy.
What I’m trying to say is what worked for us, we worked out some issues (mostly self esteem and confidence) and discussed what makes us horny with no conversations barred. It took experiments and trials, but our sex and relationship is amazing now.
N.B in case people wonder why I’m here if my sex is amazing: it’s because although sex with her is incredible, I still have desires to play with other women, just as she does other men, so we just fucking do it….  |
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Our marriage is sexless, but because of health reasons. The OH has mental health issues. She had never felt comfortable with her appearance, had a serious bout of anorexia before we met which has left her with body image issues. As she has got older, she no longer feels sexy plus has postmenopausal problems and is very sensitive "sown there". Every other aspect of our marriage is great. She accepts that I still have needs, so "turns a blind eye" to my activities as long as I'm not blatant about it.
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By *AYENCouple
over a year ago
Lincolnshire |
"I have been with my GF since I was 17, we were both virgins and so only had sex with each other, we had lots of sex at first but over a few years it died off so it was only once every six weeks or so.
We spent some years getting over her jealousy issues, I couldn’t watch porn or anything.
Eventually we started talking about her Bi side and potentially looking for playing with a lady, which led us to opening up the relationship altogether. That and the fact she did Only Fans.
Basically we found that she has certain a kinks and needs which exploded our sex life, now after 11 years together we have sex nearly everyday, we can play separately with others and opening discuss it and I am learning how to be more dominant in the boudoir which is what gets her all wet and noisy.
What I’m trying to say is what worked for us, we worked out some issues (mostly self esteem and confidence) and discussed what makes us horny with no conversations barred. It took experiments and trials, but our sex and relationship is amazing now.
N.B in case people wonder why I’m here if my sex is amazing: it’s because although sex with her is incredible, I still have desires to play with other women, just as she does other men, so we just fucking do it…. "
Brilliant - you looked at the problem together and solved it. A lot of people should take a lot of inspiration from your post |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have been with my GF since I was 17, we were both virgins and so only had sex with each other, we had lots of sex at first but over a few years it died off so it was only once every six weeks or so.
We spent some years getting over her jealousy issues, I couldn’t watch porn or anything.
Eventually we started talking about her Bi side and potentially looking for playing with a lady, which led us to opening up the relationship altogether. That and the fact she did Only Fans.
Basically we found that she has certain a kinks and needs which exploded our sex life, now after 11 years together we have sex nearly everyday, we can play separately with others and opening discuss it and I am learning how to be more dominant in the boudoir which is what gets her all wet and noisy.
What I’m trying to say is what worked for us, we worked out some issues (mostly self esteem and confidence) and discussed what makes us horny with no conversations barred. It took experiments and trials, but our sex and relationship is amazing now.
N.B in case people wonder why I’m here if my sex is amazing: it’s because although sex with her is incredible, I still have desires to play with other women, just as she does other men, so we just fucking do it….
Brilliant - you looked at the problem together and solved it. A lot of people should take a lot of inspiration from your post "
Thank you. By no means are we perfect though, mistakes have been made, but we always love each other and work it out. |
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I would advise that you ask her if you can set aside some time, maybe away from home, to have a talk about the situation regarding sex.
It maybe that she has a low sex drive or that she has an inhibition that she has been or felt unable to discuss with you.
There is the possibility of a medical issue that she has been unable to share. She may have a stress/anxiety issue that has caused her to become unable 'let loose' (for the want of a better phrase)
I think that dialogue is imperative.
It may not instantly resolve the problem but by at least opening a channel of conversation it may allow things to develop and alter, albeit maybe slowly.
It is not going to be an overnight change, if at all, but clearly you are unhappy and she may also be.
If it is worth 'fighting for' then it will be worth the time.
Try to reassure her that you do not want to pressure her but that your frustration and confusion is hard to suppress or disguise.
Good luck
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"I was in a sexless relationship for many years. It’s shattering for your self confidence as well as being extremely frustrating. I didn’t cheat though, I left."
glad you left him with a great ??body like you have it was wasted on him
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Lots of great advice there. But what about when you have tried to talk it through(for about 15 years ). And she still won't admit she has issues from her past. She refuses to acknowledge. Refusing to seek help.
I know she is my soul mate. She is perfect in every other way. But just can't have sex. |
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By *AYENCouple
over a year ago
Lincolnshire |
"Lots of great advice there. But what about when you have tried to talk it through(for about 15 years ). And she still won't admit she has issues from her past. She refuses to acknowledge. Refusing to seek help.
I know she is my soul mate. She is perfect in every other way. But just can't have sex. "
She doesn't want sex, you do - ask her if she sees a problem (how can she not) and what she suggests to solve the problem. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have been with my GF since I was 17, we were both virgins and so only had sex with each other, we had lots of sex at first but over a few years it died off so it was only once every six weeks or so.
We spent some years getting over her jealousy issues, I couldn’t watch porn or anything.
Eventually we started talking about her Bi side and potentially looking for playing with a lady, which led us to opening up the relationship altogether. That and the fact she did Only Fans.
Basically we found that she has certain a kinks and needs which exploded our sex life, now after 11 years together we have sex nearly everyday, we can play separately with others and opening discuss it and I am learning how to be more dominant in the boudoir which is what gets her all wet and noisy.
What I’m trying to say is what worked for us, we worked out some issues (mostly self esteem and confidence) and discussed what makes us horny with no conversations barred. It took experiments and trials, but our sex and relationship is amazing now.
N.B in case people wonder why I’m here if my sex is amazing: it’s because although sex with her is incredible, I still have desires to play with other women, just as she does other men, so we just fucking do it….
Brilliant - you looked at the problem together and solved it. A lot of people should take a lot of inspiration from your post
Thank you. By no means are we perfect though, mistakes have been made, but we always love each other and work it out. "
You worked at it together buddy massive respect to you and great that you are both repeaing the rewards. |
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By *adlad65Man
over a year ago
Peterborough |
I've been married for 30 years. Initially sex was good. Always in the dark, and a few other odd little mild kinks might be one way of putting it.
But it has become less frequent.
Always a reason why not.
Headache is cliché, but the weather wasn't right wrong day....all manner of reasons why not.
Now it turns out that her first time was to all intents and purposes unwanted forced sex by her boss.
Everything goes back to this event.
Despite the love between us, she has flashbacks to this.
She cannot have any sort of intimacy without it being related back to this event.
So best to avoid the trauma.
Neither of us initiates anything. Therefore no upset. If I don't ask then she doesn't feel like she is letting me down. So we have a happy medium in which we exist.
We've had the counseling. We've had the chats. Things have been known about and shared for long enough.
Now I know there's going to be the Ney sayers on here who will say I'm using this as an excuse to be on here.
But she does know that I have needs, and she feels that the best situation is that I find someone else to share those needs with.
We understand each other.
We talk.
We share what we can.
We love each other. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Following this, hope to pick up some advice too. Some folk saying make her feel special etc and I agree with that sentiment totally, but that has to be reciprocated and the guy needs to feel wanted/loved/desired too. "
Indeed. You can lead a horse to water etc.
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"As someone said earlier it's the tlc that's missed the most. Actual sex can be got through making friends on here, paying escorts or using your left hand whilst watching porn. The feel of being intimate can only be gained through being close to someone you love and knowing those feelings are reciprocated. It's heartbreaking when that tlc is no longer given and you spend your time wracked with guilt and self loathing trying to work out what's changed
I'd be very reluctant to judge other people who are married and on here, they aren't all cheating on their spouses because they are bastards. "
Couldn't have said it any better myself
I'm in the same predicament, been with my partner for 30 years and up until the last 5 we had a very healthy and active sex life with each other.
She then started going throught the menopause several years back and things were fine still but slowed.
Then she suffered a stroke a few years ago
Physically she is fine but mentally she has no sex drive at all since then...it's like a switch has been switched off at that point in her life and no matter what I have tried whether it be patience and understanding or trying to talk to her and convince us both to go and get professional help, she is steadfast in her position of she's fine.... Obviously I'm not but she can't see that or refuses to see it.
I still love her as much as the day we met but like another has also said it's the intimacy and tlc that I miss the most.
So I joined here to try and fill that void, I'm not here looking for love, just someone to share mutual desires and indulgences and I am always up front with anyone I chat to.
I never judge anybody on here as we are all here for our own reason or reasons, but honestly find you get treated like a leper on here mostly more times than not when I say I am attached.
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This was me 5 years ago ..
Marriage ended and things were a bit bad for a while..
Nowadays we’re best friends and always will be..
I’ve my own house, dream car and had so much sex it’s unbelievable over the last few years .
Life’s simply too short ..
Enjoy what life you have left .. |
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I was in a sexless marriage for many years (my second marriage) In my experience there is usually more to it. You can be in a sexless marriage and still have intimacy. Sex isn't everything but it is definitely important. When the intimacy completely goes that's when sadly things go past the point of return, in my experience. You can love someone still,but love and caring for someone on its own is not enough! My ex husband and I are still friends now..because we talked, but we should have talked before we broke up! He wouldn't! Now he realises how important it is. It wouldn't have changed anything as in we would have still broken up, but wouldn't have become bitter and wasted precious time!! Communication and honesty is paramount in any relationship. Lying to her and yourself helps nobody. The odds are she isn't happy either! Neither person in the relationship wants to hurt the other. It can be painful when things change.. there will be tears and anger even, but the truth is something you both need whatever that is..be completely transparent. There should be no blame either. We all have needs and they differ for everyone. And that's OK! But lying stays with you for life..and creates trust issues. Then you struggle to move forward in any way. Honesty, transparency and being your authentic self is totally liberating and showing total respect for your partner. You both deserve to be happy. I am lucky to have a new husband who is on the same page as me. We Communicate a lot. We check in with each other regularly. We are honest even if it hurts! He let's me be the real me, who I am on every level as I do him.i have never felt so loved. And yes I know how lucky I am! Be honest with her..Wish you all the very best. My heart goes out to you. Its a difficult position to be in. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm in a sexless marriage!
Unfortunately he doesn't find me attractive since I'm no longer a size 10!
So that's why I'm here! I have a high sex drive, he wouldn't approve of me playing away but I need to get it somewhere.
To be fair things have been better in general between us since I've been going on meets! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was to. From 2-3 times a day to once a month if that. Apparently he was comfortable so didn't need it anymore. I'm now single and loving life, Ive had this convo with a few mates to who don't get any. One an ex swinger who vows to never get involved again when it eventually ends. He's stayed loyal may I add and loves his wife to bits. Such a shame, even shit sex is better than no sex in my opinion. |
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"I was to. From 2-3 times a day to once a month if that. Apparently he was comfortable so didn't need it anymore. I'm now single and loving life, Ive had this convo with a few mates to who don't get any. One an ex swinger who vows to never get involved again when it eventually ends. He's stayed loyal may I add and loves his wife to bits. Such a shame, even shit sex is better than no sex in my opinion. "
I'd rather not have sex than have shit sex. |
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"Lots of great advice there. But what about when you have tried to talk it through(for about 15 years ). And she still won't admit she has issues from her past. She refuses to acknowledge. Refusing to seek help.
I know she is my soul mate. She is perfect in every other way. But just can't have sex.
She doesn't want sex, you do - ask her if she sees a problem (how can she not) and what she suggests to solve the problem. "
Everything possible has been said and asked. She knows it's not an ideal situation. But she totally refuses to get help. She just can't accept or acknowledge her issues. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Lots of great advice there. But what about when you have tried to talk it through(for about 15 years ). And she still won't admit she has issues from her past. She refuses to acknowledge. Refusing to seek help.
I know she is my soul mate. She is perfect in every other way. But just can't have sex.
She doesn't want sex, you do - ask her if she sees a problem (how can she not) and what she suggests to solve the problem.
Everything possible has been said and asked. She knows it's not an ideal situation. But she totally refuses to get help. She just can't accept or acknowledge her issues. "
So in that case if she point blank refuses to talk, address the issue have you discussed you seeking sex only elsewhere?
She has the right to not want sex anymore but its cruel in my view to expect that to be imposed on you her life partner (who does have a healthy sex drive) for the rest of your lives.
KJ |
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By *eano78Man
over a year ago
Worthing |
Hey Luke, I tried contacting you privately but understandably it's blocked me... so I will have to post here;
Hey Luke, I saw your post and rather than make you answer my question there, thought I'd do it privately. I'm contacting you because I'm in a similar situation and maybe have some insight. But first, can you as honestly as possible, define "sexless"? |
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"Lots of great advice there. But what about when you have tried to talk it through(for about 15 years ). And she still won't admit she has issues from her past. She refuses to acknowledge. Refusing to seek help.
I know she is my soul mate. She is perfect in every other way. But just can't have sex.
She doesn't want sex, you do - ask her if she sees a problem (how can she not) and what she suggests to solve the problem.
Everything possible has been said and asked. She knows it's not an ideal situation. But she totally refuses to get help. She just can't accept or acknowledge her issues.
So in that case if she point blank refuses to talk, address the issue have you discussed you seeking sex only elsewhere?
She has the right to not want sex anymore but its cruel in my view to expect that to be imposed on you her life partner (who does have a healthy sex drive) for the rest of your lives.
KJ"
As long as I'm discreet and don't rub her nose in it. I can play away.. |
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