FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > Why do you play dom/sub?
Why do you play dom/sub?
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So, I'm curious...
I get a big kick out of playing sub, but often wonder about the psychology behind it. I mean, why demean yourself and give away your power? I think for me it might be the turn on of having a man taking charge, exaggerating the alpha. There's something quite primal about desiring the toughest, most dominant male.
Why do you like to play submissive? And same question goes to the doms out there - why do you get a kick out of having power over someone else?
x |
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For me the feeling of someone else in control can be quite relaxing getting into a sub space and just enjoying the moment without over thinking things
But as a sub or a dominant role you both give and take you've also got to make sure the sub can top from the bottom up to make sure they enjoy the scenario. In the more dominant role I love seeing someone enjoy themself and wrythe in pleasure.
As with all things the better you know someone, get on, experiment consencially and most importantly talk the better the scenario for the both of you.
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Submitting your body to your dominant requires complete trust and respect, as you are allowing them to do with you what they will..... it isn’t demeaning, it’s erotic and sensual and heightens every sense within your body so that you quiver as they touch your body....
you don’t give away your submission to just anyone, but when you find the right person to really explore Dom sub with and you have the ability to switch, the sex you have together is incredible and knows no bounds and you won’t ever look back xx J&M |
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"Submitting your body to your dominant requires complete trust and respect, as you are allowing them to do with you what they will..... it isn’t demeaning, it’s erotic and sensual and heightens every sense within your body so that you quiver as they touch your body....
you don’t give away your submission to just anyone, but when you find the right person to really explore Dom sub with and you have the ability to switch, the sex you have together is incredible and knows no bounds and you won’t ever look back xx J&M"
Totally this. Though I can’t switch I am totally sub I know that my submission is power and when I go to sub space it’s erotic and intense. I don’t have my Dom anymore but that feeling will live with me and one day I may find the right guy again. Sub is a total release from the control I hold in my day to day life as I only sub in the bedroom not 24/7. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don’t play at submitting, it’s real for me.
He earnt my submission.
I love handing over control and allowing him to possess/own and control me, because I am his.
I don’t have to think, I just allow. |
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Sub is exactly the release from the power held in day to day life xx and the aftercare is so important especially recognising that sub drop is real and a slump after experiencing the total high that the Dom sub relationship offers you xx |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
I like being able to do, say and ask pretty much anything I want to, It’s very creative. I enjoy that tension of freedom but responsibility, knowing I have to stay tuned in , listen and care and not totally lose it |
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In submission, a submissive is the one who holds the true power. They may give it to a dominant however this is by their choice, true submission can only ever be a gift. However they can take it back at any stage they like, even in its simplistic way, by using the safe word
A dominant has responsibility for respecting the gift that they have been given, and to ensure that they push and mentor their submissive in the ways that their submissive desires. The challenge as a dominant is that your limits need to be beyond those of your submissive as you have no safe word of your own, and to be unable to deliver on your submissive’s desires is a let down for them
For us, dominance is more in the scene as opposed to a way of life. Apart from the fact that with 5 children we are unable to dedicate enough attention to a submissive full time, it also allows us the opportunity to develop again after such a long break due to following COVID rules. So whilst we are more than capable of dominance and mentoring in the short term, we would bot wish to risk letting a submissive down over the long term due to our rusty skills
Dominance is just as much an aphrodisiac as submission or indeed any other link which gets the blood pumping. It is just what feels right for us |
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"I don’t play at submitting, it’s real for me.
He earnt my submission.
I love handing over control and allowing him to possess/own and control me, because I am his.
I don’t have to think, I just allow. "
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By *roticusCouple
over a year ago
Porthmadog |
It works for us and our play always includes the collar, buttplug and cane. There has to be a very high element of trust and respect both ways. Lucy finds it incredibly erotic to be dominated and responds with huge sustained and powerful orgasms which rack her body for minutes, when she is finally allowed. |
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By *aughtycp1Couple
over a year ago
Leicestershire |
We are a Hot Wife couple. I enjoy having full control of our sex life. It feels very empowering to me and hubby loves the feeling of being powerless. It's just a kink.
In real life we share responsibilities equally x
Mrs N |
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"We are a Hot Wife couple. I enjoy having full control of our sex life. It feels very empowering to me and hubby loves the feeling of being powerless. It's just a kink.
In real life we share responsibilities equally x
Mrs N"
I would add it is also a need and a want for both the Sub and Dom. Each dynamic is unique to thise two individuals. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In my experience, I’ve found that a majority of lady’s who are enjoy being submissive, tend to be professional ladies, with careers in authority, maybe a manager of people or even a lady who has simply too many responsibilities in life in general, too many ‘day to day’ things to worry about and simply crave the opportunity to explore their inner feelings, push boundaries or even relinquish control to somebody they trust.
The opportunity to submit your mind and body for a moment in time, knowing fully well that you will be cared for, explore your surreal imagination fully and be brought back to reality safely, all within the confines of four walls.
Aftercare is also very important, for a submissive lady. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Always known I wasn’t Vanilla although had no idea who I was until getting into my 20’s
It’s felt natural to feed of the wants and desires in taking a lady on a journey, allowing her to escape day to day life or have her control and decisions made for her in many ways whether it’s stimulation via play or finding mental ways to distract what is going on.
It’s such a varied path we are all on and the uniqueness of who your with, that connection and bond which goes above and beyond everything else or all that matters is this moment does provide true satisfaction.
It’s the deep rich feeling and satisfaction of power play but always in understanding and nurturing who your with, never abuse or wrongfully take advantage.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Only only a true dominant male knows that the sub is actually always in control"
And this does sum it up, you can be as Dominant as you like but without the right people your just an ordinary person, you earn the trust of others |
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By *dwalu2Couple
over a year ago
Bristol |
People who say things along the lines of ‘the sub has true control / the sub is always in control / the sub holds the power’ and variations of the above either don’t really understand Sub/Dom dynamics at all, or really haven’t given them much thought. They are simply repeating something they’ve read here a thousand times before.
In any good Sub/Dom relationship or scenario the power is shared equally. The Sub can choose not to give or choose to withdraw their submission of course; but in exactly the same way, the Dom/Domme can choose not to give, or choose to withdraw their dominance. It’s this shared and conscious play with the dynamics of power and consent that make it work as best it can for all involved.
Let’s be thoughtful about this for a change, please.  |
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"I don’t play at submitting, it’s real for me.
He earnt my submission.
I love handing over control and allowing him to possess/own and control me, because I am his.
I don’t have to think, I just allow. "
This  |
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By *inranWoman
over a year ago
Dudley |
I agree with this shared power and control description. Although I'll admit and prejudged at the start of the post. I think people seem to forget that Dom/Dommes consent is important too as is their right to have limits respected.
One of my most awkward moments was when a sub within our friendship circle started to 'submit' to me without asking (yes I know that's not submission) but everything he was doing within the group he attributed as a task for me which it wasn't. It genuinely felt incredibly uncomfortable. I made it clear I didnt want to be involved in it many times and he carried on regardless.
So in terms of the original question. I love the creative freedom of being someone's Domme. I love learning them and knowing them at a more intimate level than sex. I love helping them to access areas of themselves they would be too scared to go on their own. I do like some fairly dark play at times and someone trust being given me to take them there, break them and put them back together better is empowering and a feeling I find it hard to even describe. I'm also turned on a lot by sounds and noises and bdsm works well for that too on a more base note. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"People who say things along the lines of ‘the sub has true control / the sub is always in control / the sub holds the power’ and variations of the above either don’t really understand Sub/Dom dynamics at all, or really haven’t given them much thought. They are simply repeating something they’ve read here a thousand times before.
In any good Sub/Dom relationship or scenario the power is shared equally. The Sub can choose not to give or choose to withdraw their submission of course; but in exactly the same way, the Dom/Domme can choose not to give, or choose to withdraw their dominance. It’s this shared and conscious play with the dynamics of power and consent that make it work as best it can for all involved.
Let’s be thoughtful about this for a change, please. "
It’s a subject which can be interpreted in many different ways and also by those it involves, many enjoy fetching these elements into their own fun but maybe view it as kink within more Vanilla play or relationships, some want to live it 24hrs-7 days and sleep in a cage and eat from a dog bowl
I think the OP is interested in views others who enjoy some form of this activity.
I think the phrase the sub is in control is is some form of understanding that it does require that sub to commit and hand over.
If it allows people to step into the lifestyle and the importance of Consent then from that they will research and communicate and agree what is right for them.
But the great things is it can be openly discussed |
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So many areas of my life, due to my situation I have to keep under my firm control and have done so for many years.
Playing sub, even as brat allows a release from that, even if only a release of the control on the surface.
It allows me an exquisite feeling of relaxation. And if I'm lucky enough to reach sub space then every part of me is floating and chilled in a way I dont get in every day life. Yet I still have the reassurance that i still have control. A sub always has that but chooses to allow others to make the decisions for the duration. It's also so incredibly horny.
And then there is the aftercare. To feel physically and emotionaly cared for is a big thing for a strong single female. I belive its done wonders for my mental well being even if we put aside the incredible orgasms it often generates.
For me that sums it up |
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"Only only a true dominant male knows that the sub is actually always in control"
Personally I find this sentiment along with submission is a “gift” to be incompatible with my beliefs. If their submission is a gift then what is my dominance? Is that not a gift also? Is D/s then a gift exchange?
I view a typical D/s dynamic as a power exchange - no one party is ever in total control (unless you start looking at M/s and TPE dynamics). The Dom can refuse or return the “gift” just as easily as the sub can revoke it, yet for some reason people seem to ignore that safe words are for both parties to use and not just the sub. Either party can end the dynamic without seeking the others permission.
But, everyones dynamic is different and as long as it works for you crack on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Only only a true dominant male knows that the sub is actually always in control
Personally I find this sentiment along with submission is a “gift” to be incompatible with my beliefs. If their submission is a gift then what is my dominance? Is that not a gift also? Is D/s then a gift exchange?
I view a typical D/s dynamic as a power exchange - no one party is ever in total control (unless you start looking at M/s and TPE dynamics). The Dom can refuse or return the “gift” just as easily as the sub can revoke it, yet for some reason people seem to ignore that safe words are for both parties to use and not just the sub. Either party can end the dynamic without seeking the others permission.
But, everyones dynamic is different and as long as it works for you crack on."
Exactly right. You can’t have one without the other. |
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"So many areas of my life, due to my situation I have to keep under my firm control and have done so for many years.
Playing sub, even as brat allows a release from that, even if only a release of the control on the surface.
It allows me an exquisite feeling of relaxation. And if I'm lucky enough to reach sub space then every part of me is floating and chilled in a way I dont get in every day life. Yet I still have the reassurance that i still have control. A sub always has that but chooses to allow others to make the decisions for the duration. It's also so incredibly horny.
And then there is the aftercare. To feel physically and emotionaly cared for is a big thing for a strong single female. I belive its done wonders for my mental well being even if we put aside the incredible orgasms it often generates.
For me that sums it up "
I couldn't of put it any better myself xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm a switch. I'm not sure I'd say I'm "playing" at either side although my dominate side comes out a lot more naturally for me. My submissive side took time to find and the right person to bring it out. It wasn't a dynamic either of us went looking for it just happened naturally.
Either side takes trust, communication and consent. I enjoy taking control and watching my partner enjoy themselves knowing they've placed that trust in me to look after them. That turns me on. When I submit, it's something completely different. I don't have to think or act, or watch or learn , I just enjoy. It's complete freedom to float away away and know he'll always keep safe and bring me back after. And the cuddles are amazing  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I feel being submissive isnt demeaning at all, although if degradation and humiliation is part of it I can see why some would feel that.
I don't see either role as more than the other. I view them as equals in the sense of one needs and desires the other as much as the other does. It's about a connection and dynamic as well as trust and respect, consent, communication etc. But those things are needed even in a vanilla world.
To 'play' at being dom or sub suggests pretending to be something. You're either a mix of both or one or the other.
Why though is much bigger question.
Like others have commented people in strong decision making lifestyles like to hand that over to someone else and be submissive and lose themselves in it. While it might work the other way round for those that are dominant. Outside of that there are a whole host of resins why someone might be sub or dom and they might not even know why themselves. It's just what does it for them or works in their dynamic. It may just be that it's more exciting than being vanilla. Or the sensations involved are the ultimate turn on. Or it could just be serving one or being served is their turn on or natural way. In a switch dynamic the battle of wills or power exchange can be the exciting factor. The reward that is given by the dominant or received by the sub might be the ultimate prize. There's also the anticipation of all of the above that can excite when you don't know how you'll be rewarded. The excitement for the dom can come from when and if he will reward his sub.
That's just my tuppence anyway. |
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As people have already said, I dont play a sub role, if anything. I play the vanilla role. I dont like, the typical macho male side of sex, its just not me at all, so to be able to submit, even for a few hours, allows me the chance to be me. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"People who say things along the lines of ‘the sub has true control / the sub is always in control / the sub holds the power’ and variations of the above either don’t really understand Sub/Dom dynamics at all, or really haven’t given them much thought. They are simply repeating something they’ve read here a thousand times before.
In any good Sub/Dom relationship or scenario the power is shared equally. The Sub can choose not to give or choose to withdraw their submission of course; but in exactly the same way, the Dom/Domme can choose not to give, or choose to withdraw their dominance. It’s this shared and conscious play with the dynamics of power and consent that make it work as best it can for all involved.
Let’s be thoughtful about this for a change, please. "
Totally agree. It’s become a sound bite , I used to say it myself before I really understood and experienced control and the gift of full submission. It can be quite scary , you have to check yourself and reflect sometimes - have you been a bad man..... does it make it ok that she likes it? And doesn’t say stop? it’s not always straightforward , desire, lust, fantasy, responsibility, care and respect.
It doesn’t actually matter who has theoretical control of who , all relationships are different. |
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"I feel being submissive isnt demeaning at all, although if degradation and humiliation is part of it I can see why some would feel that.
I don't see either role as more than the other. I view them as equals in the sense of one needs and desires the other as much as the other does. It's about a connection and dynamic as well as trust and respect, consent, communication etc. But those things are needed even in a vanilla world.
To 'play' at being dom or sub suggests pretending to be something. You're either a mix of both or one or the other.
Why though is much bigger question.
Like others have commented people in strong decision making lifestyles like to hand that over to someone else and be submissive and lose themselves in it. While it might work the other way round for those that are dominant. Outside of that there are a whole host of resins why someone might be sub or dom and they might not even know why themselves. It's just what does it for them or works in their dynamic. It may just be that it's more exciting than being vanilla. Or the sensations involved are the ultimate turn on. Or it could just be serving one or being served is their turn on or natural way. In a switch dynamic the battle of wills or power exchange can be the exciting factor. The reward that is given by the dominant or received by the sub might be the ultimate prize. There's also the anticipation of all of the above that can excite when you don't know how you'll be rewarded. The excitement for the dom can come from when and if he will reward his sub.
That's just my tuppence anyway. "
Great contribution |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"People who say things along the lines of ‘the sub has true control / the sub is always in control / the sub holds the power’ and variations of the above either don’t really understand Sub/Dom dynamics at all, or really haven’t given them much thought. They are simply repeating something they’ve read here a thousand times before.
In any good Sub/Dom relationship or scenario the power is shared equally. The Sub can choose not to give or choose to withdraw their submission of course; but in exactly the same way, the Dom/Domme can choose not to give, or choose to withdraw their dominance. It’s this shared and conscious play with the dynamics of power and consent that make it work as best it can for all involved.
Let’s be thoughtful about this for a change, please. "
I think you got it spot in with that! |
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By *lex D.Man
over a year ago
London |
"So, I'm curious...
I get a big kick out of playing sub, but often wonder about the psychology behind it. I mean, why demean yourself and give away your power? I think for me it might be the turn on of having a man taking charge, exaggerating the alpha. There's something quite primal about desiring the toughest, most dominant male.
Why do you like to play submissive? And same question goes to the doms out there - why do you get a kick out of having power over someone else?
x"
I'm dom to my girl and I don't get how my cock gets so wet when I tie and spank her. I don't wank over it nor do I research as much with filthy levels of enthusiasm as I do as a bull to hotwives. She just thinks I'm a natural but I get it's important to understand and learn the kink, I just can't stop thinking/wanking about fucking hotwives and doing her with her girlfriends. |
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Wow! Thank you all for your thoughts. It's such an interesting topic and obviously each individual has their own take on it. I've loved reading where you all think the power lies. Superficially, it clearly lies with the Dom, but it's so gratifying to see this community reading deeper and showing such care and consideration to both partners' needs, be they Dom or sub. Just wonderful! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It IS a total submission for me. I'm more into sensation play and sensory deprivation which means I'm at the full mercy of who I'm with.
I love the feeling of being powerless and tbh, I've no idea where it comes from. I've had to experiment with what my real kink is and pain is definitely not something I'm heavily into. I just can't take too much but put me in the hands of someone I trust and I would be willing to let them take away any possibility of me escaping or knowing what they're doing next.
It's a pure adrenalin rush for me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Every D/s relationship is different and unique.... it’s more 2 people coming together who are opposites that are attracted to each other’s personalities ... I would consider myself as natural submissive .... I like a man taking charge and I like being told what to do .... this is my choice xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm a switch but predominantly Dom. I can only be sub to an extremely good Dom or someone I trust explicitly. I think my Dom nature has always been in me but became much more powerful after a couple of abusive relationships x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Never say no until you've tried it, you could be missing out on something that subconsciously you would enjoy. In my experience with sun's the majority of male subs that I have played with are high powered people. They are just looking to kick back and do as their told rather than being the one to dish out the orders all of the time |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Its an important part of who I am as I am a shadow of myself without it. Although primarily a Dom I have been known to switch but ultimately about the connection and trust with one person. I could never play with multiple people |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Why do you think it's demeaning to be sub?
You make a conscious choice to submit to someone. You're putting your trust in them. Submitting to someone isn't being a doormat to them  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't know why but just thinking about being submissive makes me kinda angry, it riles me a bit... Maybe because I have always, until fairly recently, been fairly submissive in general, I don't know  I'm by no means dominant either, unless with someone that can bring that out of me but it takes alot for that to happen |
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Having a sub with me brings my nurturing nature so much more into focus than day to day life allows.
They, whilst together become my sole focus and it makes me feel amazing to give them what they want whilst they know they are safe.
Difficult to put into words how with the right person it can almost be painfully happy and content.
I'm mumbling now  |
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I have asked myself that a few times. I'm not submissive in a day to day setting and my job I make a lot of decisions and I'm super confident in general. My dad had a dominant influence on my life and so did my ex so maybe it's inbred in me or maybe I'm comfortable with dominant figure but it's on my terms. I honestly don't know. I do know however that it's something that's more than just a liking or a kink. I go into what I'd call sub mode or I've been heard it called sub space which when I read up on it describes how I feel to a T. The feeling when you will take anything or do anything for that person in and out of sub mode gets my heart racing and gives me determination that nothing even comes close to. I know I couldn't do that with anyone else either. The love and respect comes hand in hand with a dominant/submissive relationship in my eyes. I think sometimes with kinks and lifestyles it's not something you have to disect. You just have to do what works for you and just accept that people will think it's manipulation and abuse when it's just what turns us on
R |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I am a male submissive. I have thought about this. A couple of things come to my mind.
I am mostly indecisive in my life. Whenever I am asked to make a choice/decision, I overthink it and find it stressful. It gives me a great relief to give the control to someone else and just do as I was said.
The other part is I grew up going to a school which had majority female teachers. It was a very strict school and they used mild punishments once in awhile. After a point, in my teenage years, I started finding the strict teachers sexy and enjoyed these punishments
I am 33 years old and I still enjoy it. |
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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago
Up on them there hills |
"I am a male submissive. I have thought about this. A couple of things come to my mind.
I am mostly indecisive in my life. Whenever I am asked to make a choice/decision, I overthink it and find it stressful. It gives me a great relief to give the control to someone else and just do as I was said.
The other part is I grew up going to a school which had majority female teachers. It was a very strict school and they used mild punishments once in awhile. After a point, in my teenage years, I started finding the strict teachers sexy and enjoyed these punishments
I am 33 years old and I still enjoy it."
Odd, never looked in to my past why I like to assert sensual play.
To me it feels I needed to be better than the rest.
There is also a protective element,
Odd one. |
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By *yesgreenMan
over a year ago
north and south |
"I am a male submissive. I have thought about this. A couple of things come to my mind.
I am mostly indecisive in my life. Whenever I am asked to make a choice/decision, I overthink it and find it stressful. It gives me a great relief to give the control to someone else and just do as I was said.
The other part is I grew up going to a school which had majority female teachers. It was a very strict school and they used mild punishments once in awhile. After a point, in my teenage years, I started finding the strict teachers sexy and enjoyed these punishments
I am 33 years old and I still enjoy it.
Odd, never looked in to my past why I like to assert sensual play.
To me it feels I needed to be better than the rest.
There is also a protective element,
Odd one."
It only works if the submissive wants it bad enough and it’s a status quo , She is everything she can handle everything she is P A , slut , lady , Kinky everything and loves the role , Only then it will work !!! |
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"People who say things along the lines of ‘the sub has true control / the sub is always in control / the sub holds the power’ and variations of the above either don’t really understand Sub/Dom dynamics at all, or really haven’t given them much thought. They are simply repeating something they’ve read here a thousand times before.
In any good Sub/Dom relationship or scenario the power is shared equally. The Sub can choose not to give or choose to withdraw their submission of course; but in exactly the same way, the Dom/Domme can choose not to give, or choose to withdraw their dominance. It’s this shared and conscious play with the dynamics of power and consent that make it work as best it can for all involved.
Let’s be thoughtful about this for a change, please. "
As for the OP's original question I never really give much thought to the who where and whyfores of what I enjoy, but I feel this for myself is a very true response and representation of our relationship.
Mr H.
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It just comes naturally to us, sometimes we ramp it up a bit and it becomes more like role play but generally I’m submissive and my husband is dominant. Occasionally I’ll surprise him and take control and he loves it but it’s a natural fit for him to dominate me sexually.
I think the psychology behind it is that I’m very much in control in everyday life so I like to switch off and let someone else take over. I also like that it makes me feel more feminine and my husband seem more masculine.
Lou x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I am a male submissive. I have thought about this. A couple of things come to my mind.
I am mostly indecisive in my life. Whenever I am asked to make a choice/decision, I overthink it and find it stressful. It gives me a great relief to give the control to someone else and just do as I was said.
The other part is I grew up going to a school which had majority female teachers. It was a very strict school and they used mild punishments once in awhile. After a point, in my teenage years, I started finding the strict teachers sexy and enjoyed these punishments
I am 33 years old and I still enjoy it.
Odd, never looked in to my past why I like to assert sensual play.
To me it feels I needed to be better than the rest.
There is also a protective element,
Odd one."
Yeah. Each person's life experiences are different. When I grew up, I never thought femdom was a thing. There could be some genetic influence too. But hard to say without asking elders in my family |
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