FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > Pressure at meets
Pressure at meets
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Hi, we've just been reading and contributing to a post asking if people prefer to have a social first or get straight to the play. A lot of people have posted that they prefer a social so there's no pressure to play.
Pressure from who? On who?
For me, the pressure is the same having a drink with someone as being naked next to each other in a club hottub! If there's no chemistry, no horn, then there's no play regardless where we are, how dressed we are and who the other people are. If anything, I'd think the pressure to play would be worse if you'd got to know someone, who was lovely, and they wanted to play!
Just interested to hear opinions from those who work it both ways......
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Maybe people put pressure on themselves if they’re meeting someone with the possibility of having sex.
We’ve had one social from fab but there was never any pressure from either side.
Any further socials we have will be very much the same. I think a lot of it is the ability to communicate the boundaries upfront so everyone knows where they stand.
Saying that, some people can be quite intense, but we would know that from messaging and probably wouldn’t meet them. |
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We've had a couple guys who have pressured us for more to happen on a first meeting despite us having made it quite clear that it would be a social only meeting to see how we feel and if we want to take things a bit further.
Any guy who meets us will know our rules beforehand and if they try it on we won't be seeing them again. |
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"Hi, we've just been reading and contributing to a post asking if people prefer to have a social first or get straight to the play. A lot of people have posted that they prefer a social so there's no pressure to play.
Pressure from who? On who?
For me, the pressure is the same having a drink with someone as being naked next to each other in a club hottub! If there's no chemistry, no horn, then there's no play regardless where we are, how dressed we are and who the other people are. If anything, I'd think the pressure to play would be worse if you'd got to know someone, who was lovely, and they wanted to play!
Just interested to hear opinions from those who work it both ways......
"
Why would the pressure be worse if you got to know someone?
You get to know them, you like them you play.
You get to know them you dont like what you get to know you go home and that's the end of that. |
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In my experience, it's a slight tweak on that scenario... So it's a "let's start with a social meet and see how we get along.. No expectations" ....most times the social turns into something more fun. Sometimes if one of you isn't feeling it... Its thanks, goodbye and good luck. Its not so much about no pressure but no expectations. |
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I prefer to meet socially first and never play on a first !meet. Mr N would but I'm just not comfortable with it. The pressure comes mainly from myself, I know that but it's real nonetheless and when they feel pressured I say no anyway so it would be pointless  |
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"It's less awkward to turn them down in a bar than when you're in their house or they're at yours ..."
That's a very good reason for having a first meeting(s) in a public place, especially if you're a female. |
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By *irtySekretsCouple
over a year ago
Filthy Desires Upon Trent |
"We've had a couple guys who have pressured us for more to happen on a first meeting despite us having made it quite clear that it would be a social only meeting to see how we feel and if we want to take things a bit further.
Any guy who meets us will know our rules beforehand and if they try it on we won't be seeing them again."
This is the exact reason we would always meet for a social first.
Agreeing that there is going to be no sexual activity for whatever reason in a neutral setting is less awkward than inviting someone into your home or visa versa and finding the same.
We have met couples and although they look and sound attractive in their profile and messages, meeting face to face has proved there is no chemistry at all.
Meeting beforehand also alleviates the situation where the male part of a “couple” turns up alone as the wife/gf has just come down with rabies but she says it’s ok for him to play alone 
Just our thoughts.
 xxxxxx |
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pressure Definitely think a social first reduces pressure or nerves however you want to look at it as it can be the first time you have seen each other in flesh it's easier for people to change their mind in a bar or cafe than in the bedroom I think |
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I'm struggling to se the confusion. Especially as a couple, you need to agree on what's happening.
At best (which is still awful and awkward and pressured) you have to be asked to play there and then, and go off to have a quick chat, and come back with a yay or nay. At worst there's three of them, your partner included looking at you saying "shall we fuck then?". If that can't be seen to be awkward... blimey.
If you have a social, then you know you aren't putting them on the spot as well as the other way round. |
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"In my experience, it's a slight tweak on that scenario... So it's a "let's start with a social meet and see how we get along.. No expectations" ....most times the social turns into something more fun. Sometimes if one of you isn't feeling it... Its thanks, goodbye and good luck. Its not so much about no pressure but no expectations. "
This is a bit of an ideal scenario, as long as your phrasing is perfect.
"Well guys, we'll say now we'd love to play with you at some point! Obviously wouldn't want to put any pressure on you though, so have a think later if you want"... and maybe they'll suggest getting down to it there and then, but if not, plan A is still in tact. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I will only meet socially first time round. It sounds selfish but a guys willingness to make an effort with no play on the cards tells me a lot about him. Also one of the reasons I won’t meet from a longer distance is that I would feel an underlying expectation and pressure to make their trip ‘worthwhile’ x |
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"It's less awkward to turn them down in a bar than when you're in their house or they're at yours ...
That's a very good reason for having a first meeting(s) in a public place, especially if you're a female."
That's my point , no pressure ...  |
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"It's less awkward to turn them down in a bar than when you're in their house or they're at yours ...
That's a very good reason for having a first meeting(s) in a public place, especially if you're a female.
That's my point , no pressure ... "
Well, you say pressure, but saying no by message is also pretty chuffing hard I find! |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"I'm struggling to se the confusion. Especially as a couple, you need to agree on what's happening.
At best (which is still awful and awkward and pressured) you have to be asked to play there and then, and go off to have a quick chat, and come back with a yay or nay. At worst there's three of them, your partner included looking at you saying "shall we fuck then?". If that can't be seen to be awkward... blimey.
If you have a social, then you know you aren't putting them on the spot as well as the other way round. "
Exactly. If you know you’re not having sex up front there’s no pressure at all and it’s very relaxed and flirty but nothing else. I’m terrible for just going with the flow after a drink or two, others I know are much better, and some people are so flirty and persistent and even pushy....but imagine the pressure on an individual if there’s three people even just like me and the fourth feels a huge pressure, it’s unfair |
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By *rad670Man
over a year ago
South Lakes |
I've had a meet after a social and also just after plenty of messaging which was meant to be a social. I would need to discuss that it is OK to be able to say no either way before even having a meet. If you get to the point of a meet and feel pressured then I don't think enough time was spent getting to know the person first or your trust was misplaced. We only have our instinct to go on and mostly it works. |
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I always had the social only rule in place for the first meet. A few tried to bypass it and that told me all I needed to know about meeting again. It wasn't happening.
If they can't respect my rules when I'm not in a vulnerable position as such, I didn't trust them to respect them when I was.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It always seems a good idea to meet in a neutral place first.
I’ve sometimes done this with a plan to move on to one or another’s house after if all goes well or in some cases if I have been staying in a hotel meet in the bar and see how it goes.
One very memorable social meet ended with a very frantic time spent steaming up the windows of my car in the pub car park - night to remember !!! |
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I think women meeting alone can feel that sex is expected, so if we make it clear it's just a social, any behaviour trying for more can be a red flag.
I always have a social first meet and ensure the person knows and is OK with that.
If they start hinting at more or assuming it won't just be social, I wouldn't meet them.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’ve had two awkward moments where meets were intended to be more than just sociable. As a male it is impossible to say to an expectant single female “Sorry I don’t find you attractive (or look anything like your photo).”
So I’ve had to go through with the meet and perform as expected, against my desires.
I’ve also had some tremendous spontaneous meets without a social but those two were not good. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It's less awkward to turn them down in a bar than when you're in their house or they're at yours ...
That's a very good reason for having a first meeting(s) in a public place, especially if you're a female."
I absolutely agree where a female meeting alone is concerned, but that's from a safety perspective, not the pressure perspective. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Hi, we've just been reading and contributing to a post asking if people prefer to have a social first or get straight to the play. A lot of people have posted that they prefer a social so there's no pressure to play.
Pressure from who? On who?
For me, the pressure is the same having a drink with someone as being naked next to each other in a club hottub! If there's no chemistry, no horn, then there's no play regardless where we are, how dressed we are and who the other people are. If anything, I'd think the pressure to play would be worse if you'd got to know someone, who was lovely, and they wanted to play!
Just interested to hear opinions from those who work it both ways......
Why would the pressure be worse if you got to know someone?
You get to know them, you like them you play.
You get to know them you dont like what you get to know you go home and that's the end of that. "
I'm not affected like that, I'd make the same assessment regardless. I think most people would find it harder to refuse someone they'd spent friendly social time with.
Humans are hard wired to act preferentially towards people they know or like on some level. It's far easier to be objective with strangers. |
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"I’ve had two awkward moments where meets were intended to be more than just sociable. As a male it is impossible to say to an expectant single female “Sorry I don’t find you attractive (or look anything like your photo).”
So I’ve had to go through with the meet and perform as expected, against my desires.
I’ve also had some tremendous spontaneous meets without a social but those two were not good."
Oh come on, no way  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We've had a couple guys who have pressured us for more to happen on a first meeting despite us having made it quite clear that it would be a social only meeting to see how we feel and if we want to take things a bit further.
Any guy who meets us will know our rules beforehand and if they try it on we won't be seeing them again.
This is the exact reason we would always meet for a social first.
Agreeing that there is going to be no sexual activity for whatever reason in a neutral setting is less awkward than inviting someone into your home or visa versa and finding the same.
We have met couples and although they look and sound attractive in their profile and messages, meeting face to face has proved there is no chemistry at all.
Meeting beforehand also alleviates the situation where the male part of a “couple” turns up alone as the wife/gf has just come down with rabies but she says it’s ok for him to play alone
Just our thoughts.
xxxxxx"
This is the bit I'm curious about.....
If you had a good social with someone, and then it didn't feel quite right when it came to playing, how would you deal with it?
If we met someone in any setting and it just didn't click, even if that was during play, we'd stop and the guests would leave. If the male turns up with an excuse, he leaves. If 'the meeter' is not as advertised, they leave. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm struggling to se the confusion. Especially as a couple, you need to agree on what's happening.
At best (which is still awful and awkward and pressured) you have to be asked to play there and then, and go off to have a quick chat, and come back with a yay or nay. At worst there's three of them, your partner included looking at you saying "shall we fuck then?". If that can't be seen to be awkward... blimey.
If you have a social, then you know you aren't putting them on the spot as well as the other way round. "
I find some of our self imposed behavioural constraints absolutely baffling!
In any situation, with anyone present, why wouldn't you act honestly, and directly with the people involved? What's the point in not being open and honest? I appreciate that there are really grave situations that have to be handled carefully, but they're not your everyday swinging meets are they? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is why I think I prefer the idea of meeting at a club or party. I think like you say if there is no spark then I am confident saying no at any stage, definitely would feel more awkward if I genuinely liked them but did not like them in a sexual way |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’ve had two awkward moments where meets were intended to be more than just sociable. As a male it is impossible to say to an expectant single female “Sorry I don’t find you attractive (or look anything like your photo).”
So I’ve had to go through with the meet and perform as expected, against my desires.
I’ve also had some tremendous spontaneous meets without a social but those two were not good."
I'm sorry but I find it ridiculous that you went through with a meet, 'against your desires' to be polite???!! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Just wanted to be clear, that whichever way an person, or couple wants to manage their meets and expectations is always 100% up to them and should be whatever makes them feel comfortable, and safe.
I think people are more honest when there are no expectations, and nothing left to play for than when a carrot is dangled.
The whole idea of politely going along with something you don't want to do also baffles me, especially when it's sex!
As always, very educational asking an open question in the forums |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"This is why I think I prefer the idea of meeting at a club or party. I think like you say if there is no spark then I am confident saying no at any stage, definitely would feel more awkward if I genuinely liked them but did not like them in a sexual way "
This is something I can understand! Thankfully I'm really open so saying 'sorry, no' is totally fine with me |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm safer in public, figuring out if I've got a weirdo on my hands before they can get me somewhere private. It's also a good test of boundaries and if they respect mine "
This makes sense, I genuinely don't know how the ladies of fab deal with with basics like safety after the tsunami of emails, winks and approaches they get! |
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I think that's why we mainly use clubs. You get the option to sort of speed date till you find something you wish to investigate further. There's no pressure, no feeling of obligation. And if the chemistry doesn't work out for all there's the opportunity for all to move on freely and find something that does on that same night. Which is a huge advantage for those who don't have time for multiple socials until they find what they're looking for. Plus if you find match where the chemistry is perfect you can always arrange a more exclusive encounter with them in the future.
When you have a social the focus is just you and them. There's just more potential for disappointment,awkwardness and free time used not quite finding what you want (even if has still been a good night). |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve had two awkward moments where meets were intended to be more than just sociable. As a male it is impossible to say to an expectant single female “Sorry I don’t find you attractive (or look anything like your photo).”
So I’ve had to go through with the meet and perform as expected, against my desires.
I’ve also had some tremendous spontaneous meets without a social but those two were not good."
I love it when men find me repulsive but shag me anyway because they are polite. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think that's why we mainly use clubs. You get the option to sort of speed date till you find something you wish to investigate further. There's no pressure, no feeling of obligation. And if the chemistry doesn't work out for all there's the opportunity for all to move on freely and find something that does on that same night. Which is a huge advantage for those who don't have time for multiple socials until they find what they're looking for. Plus if you find match where the chemistry is perfect you can always arrange a more exclusive encounter with them in the future.
When you have a social the focus is just you and them. There's just more potential for disappointment,awkwardness and free time used not quite finding what you want (even if has still been a good night)."
Really well explained, and makes total sense. |
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"I think that's why we mainly use clubs. You get the option to sort of speed date till you find something you wish to investigate further. There's no pressure, no feeling of obligation. And if the chemistry doesn't work out for all there's the opportunity for all to move on freely and find something that does on that same night. Which is a huge advantage for those who don't have time for multiple socials until they find what they're looking for. Plus if you find match where the chemistry is perfect you can always arrange a more exclusive encounter with them in the future.
When you have a social the focus is just you and them. There's just more potential for disappointment,awkwardness and free time used not quite finding what you want (even if has still been a good night).
Really well explained, and makes total sense. "
I much prefer clubs or parties. I have escape space then! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Quick thanks to everyone who's posted so far. It's great that there's so much variety in swinging, it makes it easier to pick what works for you. Which I guess is related to the post question. Why settle? Why jump through someone else's hoops? Find what works for you, do it and you'll find others who suit you. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Reading this thread, it's a broad church, swinging, isn't it 
Isn't it just!
Some might say, some of this sounds more like dating than swinging. "
It's fascinating isn't it? Us humans are insanely simple and we spend so much time trying convince ourselves we're really complex! |
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"Hi, we've just been reading and contributing to a post asking if people prefer to have a social first or get straight to the play. A lot of people have posted that they prefer a social so there's no pressure to play.
Pressure from who? On who?
For me, the pressure is the same having a drink with someone as being naked next to each other in a club hottub! If there's no chemistry, no horn, then there's no play regardless where we are, how dressed we are and who the other people are. If anything, I'd think the pressure to play would be worse if you'd got to know someone, who was lovely, and they wanted to play!
Just interested to hear opinions from those who work it both ways......
"
Maybe I'm misreading what you wrote, but I see both a drink at a bar and meeting in a club hot tub as a social.
By not having a social, I imagined meeting at someone's house. At that point it does feel harder to turn them away if you aren't interested.
I don't think it's necessarily pressure from the other party, but pressure you put upon yourself. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve had two awkward moments where meets were intended to be more than just sociable. As a male it is impossible to say to an expectant single female “Sorry I don’t find you attractive (or look anything like your photo).”
So I’ve had to go through with the meet and perform as expected, against my desires.
I’ve also had some tremendous spontaneous meets without a social but those two were not good.
Oh come on, no way "
Afraid so. Awful. |
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"I’ve had two awkward moments where meets were intended to be more than just sociable. As a male it is impossible to say to an expectant single female “Sorry I don’t find you attractive (or look anything like your photo).”
So I’ve had to go through with the meet and perform as expected, against my desires.
I’ve also had some tremendous spontaneous meets without a social but those two were not good.
Oh come on, no way
Afraid so. Awful."
To be honest, before I became more confident, I'd have probably done the same  |
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