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What do you do advice please
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Ideally looking for points of view from a male perspective please.
Imagine if you had a FWB that you had previously decided to stop seeing in the benefits way, but still saw regularly for dinners at your place and film nights, went out for the occasional walk, sometimes having a hug on the sofa before she went home. You decided to stop the sexual side because you were feeling a bit guilty about her being married (though she had and still has full knowledge and consent of her husband) and you both had some feelings for each other. You’ve not disclosed to her your feelings, just that you had some, but are aware how she felt/feels.
She has made it clear on a few occasions that she would definitely be up for having naughty fun again, you’re trying to be “good”. You’re single still.
One evening she turns up unannounced in brand new sexy lingerie, a suspender belt, stockings and heels under her coat, which you see after she slips it off once she’s asked to step in for a moment. Do you take her upstairs or ask her to go home?
——————————
A few points from me:
I’m in a bit of a predicament and although I have the courage to go and do this, I don’t want to potentially upset him. We get on very well, we’ve known each other for over two years now. The sex was great and only stopped for what’s outlined about. He seems to feel the need to be good for some reason, I’d love for us to occasionally have fun. Yesterday I went for dinner and I caught him on a couple of occasions staring at my cleavage. Husband thinks I should turn up tonight as outlined in the scenario above, whereas I’m cautious. I’ve tried to have the conversation about sex with him before. He reiterates the need to be good. He’s not said no, but he’s not said yes either. Canvassing opinions before I go potentially make an idiot of myself  
Posted here and advice as not sure where is best to ask, thank you! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You both have feelings for each other.
He is trying to suppress his because he doesn't want it to go too far and get in the way or you and your husband.
Do not ruin it.
You need to speak more about those feelings and come to a conclusion before anything else |
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"You both have feelings for each other.
He is trying to suppress his because he doesn't want it to go too far and get in the way or you and your husband.
Do not ruin it.
You need to speak more about those feelings and come to a conclusion before anything else"
Thank you for the reply.
This is what I’m internally fighting with. If I was single I would have definitely already asked him about being a couple. He knows how I feel about him, he hasn’t elaborated but said he had feelings for me too. I think from my part I am frustrated because I still find him incredibly attractive and I’d like nothing more than to get up to some debauchery.
Due to Covid the last time we had sex was a little over a year ago and after that I gave him two blow jobs in his car which was just before lockdown forever classy  . My feelings for him haven’t really changed and I guess that’s the issue... He isn’t completely open about his feelings or what he’s thinking and I think a small part of me wants to find out either way by turning up as outline. Also the sex was amazing. |
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"I'm not a man but in my opinion no means no and he's told you be no longer wants a sexual relationship with you.
What you or your husband want or think isn't relevant really"
Yes of course no means no, I definitely agree. It’s more wistful thinking on my part, not helped by his staring at my boobs or the flirting that goes on between us. I do really appreciate your feedback! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You both have feelings for each other.
He is trying to suppress his because he doesn't want it to go too far and get in the way or you and your husband.
Do not ruin it.
You need to speak more about those feelings and come to a conclusion before anything else
Thank you for the reply.
This is what I’m internally fighting with. If I was single I would have definitely already asked him about being a couple. He knows how I feel about him, he hasn’t elaborated but said he had feelings for me too. I think from my part I am frustrated because I still find him incredibly attractive and I’d like nothing more than to get up to some debauchery.
Due to Covid the last time we had sex was a little over a year ago and after that I gave him two blow jobs in his car which was just before lockdown forever classy . My feelings for him haven’t really changed and I guess that’s the issue... He isn’t completely open about his feelings or what he’s thinking and I think a small part of me wants to find out either way by turning up as outline. Also the sex was amazing."
I'm obviously speculating on his reasons for 'being good' and I may be wrong but that's the first reason that came to my mind.
You've stated that you have made it clear how you feel and 'would want a proper relationship should you be single'
Honestly as a man, the fact that you're married and still speaking of this would scare the shit out of me. For a couple of reasons |
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If your hubby is the one pushing for this, and you and FWB (or without the B) have feelings for each other, perhaps you should all talk about a poly relationship? If emotions are getting involved then you and friend are going down that route just needs hubby on board I would say. Then he can be good and naughty, knowing hubby's not going to get pushed out? |
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"You both have feelings for each other.
He is trying to suppress his because he doesn't want it to go too far and get in the way or you and your husband.
Do not ruin it.
You need to speak more about those feelings and come to a conclusion before anything else
Thank you for the reply.
This is what I’m internally fighting with. If I was single I would have definitely already asked him about being a couple. He knows how I feel about him, he hasn’t elaborated but said he had feelings for me too. I think from my part I am frustrated because I still find him incredibly attractive and I’d like nothing more than to get up to some debauchery.
Due to Covid the last time we had sex was a little over a year ago and after that I gave him two blow jobs in his car which was just before lockdown forever classy . My feelings for him haven’t really changed and I guess that’s the issue... He isn’t completely open about his feelings or what he’s thinking and I think a small part of me wants to find out either way by turning up as outline. Also the sex was amazing.
I'm obviously speculating on his reasons for 'being good' and I may be wrong but that's the first reason that came to my mind.
You've stated that you have made it clear how you feel and 'would want a proper relationship should you be single'
Honestly as a man, the fact that you're married and still speaking of this would scare the shit out of me. For a couple of reasons"
I appreciate your honesty and I’d be genuinely interested to know why it scares you. There is attraction still on both sides and my husband is aware of that. I don’t talk about it, my husband is the one to bring him up in the bedroom, most recently being today which is why I’ve asked the question. In terms of saying I’d had a relationship with this man if I was able, I just wanted to be honest. We get on incredibly well in many respects and I’ve not had this type of experience with someone I’ve met like this before, so it’s all a bit new. I may have worded it badly or not I don’t know.
I’m not trying to be manipulative or anything like that, I’m very timid and shy in real life. I wanted to talk it out and I do appreciate peoples point of view. |
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"I'm not a man but in my opinion no means no and he's told you be no longer wants a sexual relationship with you.
What you or your husband want or think isn't relevant really
Yes of course no means no, I definitely agree. It’s more wistful thinking on my part, not helped by his staring at my boobs or the flirting that goes on between us. I do really appreciate your feedback!"
Well I think you need some straight talking from him. If the genders were reversed I wouldn't be advising a man to turn up at a woman's house with just his boxers on under his coat if she'd said she no longer wanted their relationship to be sexual.
If he can't articulate his boundaries clearly enough for you to understand them he's giving you mixed messages. That could mean he doesn't know what he wants, he's seeing someone else and doesn't want to be "unfaithful", he still wants to have sex with you but wants to be able to say he couldn't help it because you instigated it or something else altogether. Whatever it is the only person who can tell you for sure is him. |
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"
Well I think you need some straight talking from him. If the genders were reversed I wouldn't be advising a man to turn up at a woman's house with just his boxers on under his coat if she'd said she no longer wanted their relationship to be sexual.
If he can't articulate his boundaries clearly enough for you to understand them he's giving you mixed messages. That could mean he doesn't know what he wants, he's seeing someone else and doesn't want to be "unfaithful", he still wants to have sex with you but wants to be able to say he couldn't help it because you instigated it or something else altogether. Whatever it is the only person who can tell you for sure is him. "
Thank you.
Yes I wouldn’t advise that either, good point. I must sound like a right dick  
The whole conversation about stopping was muddied, but trying to get him to be frank when it came to it didn’t really happen. The hugs on the sofa are also confusing.
As far as I’m aware he is still very much single, I wouldn’t even think of going there if he wasn’t. I really don’t want to ruin the friendship we do have, I need to stop finding him attractive! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"You both have feelings for each other.
He is trying to suppress his because he doesn't want it to go too far and get in the way or you and your husband.
Do not ruin it.
You need to speak more about those feelings and come to a conclusion before anything else
Thank you for the reply.
This is what I’m internally fighting with. If I was single I would have definitely already asked him about being a couple. He knows how I feel about him, he hasn’t elaborated but said he had feelings for me too. I think from my part I am frustrated because I still find him incredibly attractive and I’d like nothing more than to get up to some debauchery.
Due to Covid the last time we had sex was a little over a year ago and after that I gave him two blow jobs in his car which was just before lockdown forever classy . My feelings for him haven’t really changed and I guess that’s the issue... He isn’t completely open about his feelings or what he’s thinking and I think a small part of me wants to find out either way by turning up as outline. Also the sex was amazing.
I'm obviously speculating on his reasons for 'being good' and I may be wrong but that's the first reason that came to my mind.
You've stated that you have made it clear how you feel and 'would want a proper relationship should you be single'
Honestly as a man, the fact that you're married and still speaking of this would scare the shit out of me. For a couple of reasons
I appreciate your honesty and I’d be genuinely interested to know why it scares you. There is attraction still on both sides and my husband is aware of that. I don’t talk about it, my husband is the one to bring him up in the bedroom, most recently being today which is why I’ve asked the question. In terms of saying I’d had a relationship with this man if I was able, I just wanted to be honest. We get on incredibly well in many respects and I’ve not had this type of experience with someone I’ve met like this before, so it’s all a bit new. I may have worded it badly or not I don’t know.
I’m not trying to be manipulative or anything like that, I’m very timid and shy in real life. I wanted to talk it out and I do appreciate peoples point of view."
I'll elaborate on why it scares me later but in short -
1) I feel I would be responsible for breaking a marriage
2) If that happened and you done that to your husband then why wouldn't it happen to me in future?
Now I'm not saying these would be true but those initial thoughts come to mind.
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"
Well I think you need some straight talking from him. If the genders were reversed I wouldn't be advising a man to turn up at a woman's house with just his boxers on under his coat if she'd said she no longer wanted their relationship to be sexual.
If he can't articulate his boundaries clearly enough for you to understand them he's giving you mixed messages. That could mean he doesn't know what he wants, he's seeing someone else and doesn't want to be "unfaithful", he still wants to have sex with you but wants to be able to say he couldn't help it because you instigated it or something else altogether. Whatever it is the only person who can tell you for sure is him.
Thank you.
Yes I wouldn’t advise that either, good point. I must sound like a right dick
The whole conversation about stopping was muddied, but trying to get him to be frank when it came to it didn’t really happen. The hugs on the sofa are also confusing.
As far as I’m aware he is still very much single, I wouldn’t even think of going there if he wasn’t. I really don’t want to ruin the friendship we do have, I need to stop finding him attractive! "
You need to stop seeing him, full stop.
One way to keep people interested in you and "on ice" for any future time you might want see is to do this "I really want to have sex with you but I can't because I've developed feelings" thing.
When questioned no specific information is forthcoming so you're left wondering, always thinking about him and ways to rekindle his interest.
Its up to you really if you want to continue like that but you owe him nothing. |
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"I'll elaborate on why it scares me later but in short -
1) I feel I would be responsible for breaking a marriage
2) If that happened and you done that to your husband then why wouldn't it happen to me in future?
Now I'm not saying these would be true but those initial thoughts come to mind.
"
Thank you very much for outlining. Both very good points.
From what I can/could gather I think that point 1 is what he was talking about when he said he felt guilty. Though I have no intention of my marriage being broken. My husband and I have been together a very long time and have a family together. We have spoken about an open marriage (husbands suggestion) but it’s not something we’ve explored. I am conflicted in the way I feel for my previous FWB, but it would have always been an additional rather than an instead of.
Point 2 is also an excellent point. The FWB that we had was meant to be just that. I’ve had meets from here before and it’s been great fun, but there hasn’t been any proper connection like there was with this. I wasn’t expecting it so it took me by surprise. But again, I don’t have any intention of my marriage breaking and previous FWB knew the situation when we became FWB.
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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
I wouldn’t do what you suggested.
Instead I would talk to him, make sure he knows how you feel.
He must have stopped the Benefits for a reason, and may not be being entirely honest with you perhaps to save your feelings.
If you try and have an open and honest conversation, you should hopefully know where you stand without risking your friendship.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Well I think you need some straight talking from him. If the genders were reversed I wouldn't be advising a man to turn up at a woman's house with just his boxers on under his coat if she'd said she no longer wanted their relationship to be sexual.
If he can't articulate his boundaries clearly enough for you to understand them he's giving you mixed messages. That could mean he doesn't know what he wants, he's seeing someone else and doesn't want to be "unfaithful", he still wants to have sex with you but wants to be able to say he couldn't help it because you instigated it or something else altogether. Whatever it is the only person who can tell you for sure is him.
Thank you.
Yes I wouldn’t advise that either, good point. I must sound like a right dick
The whole conversation about stopping was muddied, but trying to get him to be frank when it came to it didn’t really happen. The hugs on the sofa are also confusing.
As far as I’m aware he is still very much single, I wouldn’t even think of going there if he wasn’t. I really don’t want to ruin the friendship we do have, I need to stop finding him attractive! "
Even friends hug remember. Dont confuse the friendship relationship you have now to the sexual one you had before or you Could lose him as a very good friend. |
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I suspect there is something else at play here, has he started a relationship and he is being good for her but hasn’t got the courage to tell you the truth?
Assuming the above is not the case. How about your husband comes with you, and hands you over to him at the door. So that he is in absolutely no doubt that your husband is happy with the situation
The main concern I have however is the mention of feelings between you. This is a dangerous territory as you are married. Perhaps he wants more and knows that is not an option, which could be why he is stopping the sex. Saves his pain later. Also, could this be a future risk for your marriage down the line?
Honesty, Trust, Respect and Communication is key, in all directions
Hope this helps |
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There’s no relationship, I’m 99.9999% certain of this. He tells me a lot of things and, despite my feelings/attraction, he knows I’d be happy for him if this was the case as he deserves to be happy and we would still be friends. He would have told me if he was seeing anyone else in the physical sense too, as he has bubbled with me and because of Covid we would tell each other so as to minimise risk. We are in contact pretty much daily.
I do respect him too much to just turn up, that’s the reason for part of me talking it out here. If people were me would you have a conversation about still finding him attractive or not? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There’s no relationship, I’m 99.9999% certain of this. He tells me a lot of things and, despite my feelings/attraction, he knows I’d be happy for him if this was the case as he deserves to be happy and we would still be friends. He would have told me if he was seeing anyone else in the physical sense too, as he has bubbled with me and because of Covid we would tell each other so as to minimise risk. We are in contact pretty much daily.
I do respect him too much to just turn up, that’s the reason for part of me talking it out here. If people were me would you have a conversation about still finding him attractive or not?"
No
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ideally looking for points of view from a male perspective please.
Imagine if you had a FWB that you had previously decided to stop seeing in the benefits way, but still saw regularly for dinners at your place and film nights, went out for the occasional walk, sometimes having a hug on the sofa before she went home. You decided to stop the sexual side because you were feeling a bit guilty about her being married (though she had and still has full knowledge and consent of her husband) and you both had some feelings for each other. You’ve not disclosed to her your feelings, just that you had some, but are aware how she felt/feels.
She has made it clear on a few occasions that she would definitely be up for having naughty fun again, you’re trying to be “good”. You’re single still.
One evening she turns up unannounced in brand new sexy lingerie, a suspender belt, stockings and heels under her coat, which you see after she slips it off once she’s asked to step in for a moment. Do you take her upstairs or ask her to go home?
——————————
A few points from me:
I’m in a bit of a predicament and although I have the courage to go and do this, I don’t want to potentially upset him. We get on very well, we’ve known each other for over two years now. The sex was great and only stopped for what’s outlined about. He seems to feel the need to be good for some reason, I’d love for us to occasionally have fun. Yesterday I went for dinner and I caught him on a couple of occasions staring at my cleavage. Husband thinks I should turn up tonight as outlined in the scenario above, whereas I’m cautious. I’ve tried to have the conversation about sex with him before. He reiterates the need to be good. He’s not said no, but he’s not said yes either. Canvassing opinions before I go potentially make an idiot of myself
Posted here and advice as not sure where is best to ask, thank you!"
Move on and respect his decision. It would appear he has one approach and you have another. They are both at odds with each other. It’s only fair for his partner that this ends and you find a new play friend. |
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"There’s no relationship, I’m 99.9999% certain of this. He tells me a lot of things and, despite my feelings/attraction, he knows I’d be happy for him if this was the case as he deserves to be happy and we would still be friends. He would have told me if he was seeing anyone else in the physical sense too, as he has bubbled with me and because of Covid we would tell each other so as to minimise risk. We are in contact pretty much daily.
I do respect him too much to just turn up, that’s the reason for part of me talking it out here. If people were me would you have a conversation about still finding him attractive or not?"
no. Preserve your dignity and move on.
I don't mean this harshly but I think you're investing too much in a relationship that isn't your primary one and in which the other person has said he wants a changed dynamic. |
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I have been in pretty much this situation
To be honest we still slept together for a couple more weeks and then I broke it all off
Just wanted to do what is right and fair for all involved and was honest with her about this
We don’t talk but I have seen her a couple of times for very brief passing chaps and I feel I did the right thing and she is still with her husband |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Ive missed so many opportunities by trying to be good but I've really always wanted to do no good and just wanted more encouragement, so I say YES seduce him, surprise him, he will thank you after. Better to regret trying than regret not trying. Good luck x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This guy is single , and having a bit of fun and a friends with benefits is great , but perhaps during this past 12 months he’s had time to reflect and he doesn’t want to be the other guy, and maybe move on with his own life and embark on a more intimate and lasting relationship, if he has developed feelings for you . You being married , means it’s a relationship that couldn’t grow into something more , and can make it a lot more difficult , being offered something he can never truly have full time or long term. Even with husbands knowledge where is the long term end goal for you and him here. Speak to him, |
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"Ideally looking for points of view from a male perspective please.
Imagine if you had a FWB that you had previously decided to stop seeing in the benefits way, but still saw regularly for dinners at your place and film nights, went out for the occasional walk, sometimes having a hug on the sofa before she went home. You decided to stop the sexual side because you were feeling a bit guilty about her being married (though she had and still has full knowledge and consent of her husband) and you both had some feelings for each other. You’ve not disclosed to her your feelings, just that you had some, but are aware how she felt/feels.
She has made it clear on a few occasions that she would definitely be up for having naughty fun again, you’re trying to be “good”. You’re single still.
One evening she turns up unannounced in brand new sexy lingerie, a suspender belt, stockings and heels under her coat, which you see after she slips it off once she’s asked to step in for a moment. Do you take her upstairs or ask her to go home?
——————————
A few points from me:
I’m in a bit of a predicament and although I have the courage to go and do this, I don’t want to potentially upset him. We get on very well, we’ve known each other for over two years now. The sex was great and only stopped for what’s outlined about. He seems to feel the need to be good for some reason, I’d love for us to occasionally have fun. Yesterday I went for dinner and I caught him on a couple of occasions staring at my cleavage. Husband thinks I should turn up tonight as outlined in the scenario above, whereas I’m cautious. I’ve tried to have the conversation about sex with him before. He reiterates the need to be good. He’s not said no, but he’s not said yes either. Canvassing opinions before I go potentially make an idiot of myself
Posted here and advice as not sure where is best to ask, thank you!"
I’d say it should be posted on the Stories and Fantasy forum lol.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ideally looking for points of view from a male perspective please.
Imagine if you had a FWB that you had previously decided to stop seeing in the benefits way, but still saw regularly for dinners at your place and film nights, went out for the occasional walk, sometimes having a hug on the sofa before she went home. You decided to stop the sexual side because you were feeling a bit guilty about her being married (though she had and still has full knowledge and consent of her husband) and you both had some feelings for each other. You’ve not disclosed to her your feelings, just that you had some, but are aware how she felt/feels.
She has made it clear on a few occasions that she would definitely be up for having naughty fun again, you’re trying to be “good”. You’re single still.
One evening she turns up unannounced in brand new sexy lingerie, a suspender belt, stockings and heels under her coat, which you see after she slips it off once she’s asked to step in for a moment. Do you take her upstairs or ask her to go home?
——————————
A few points from me:
I’m in a bit of a predicament and although I have the courage to go and do this, I don’t want to potentially upset him. We get on very well, we’ve known each other for over two years now. The sex was great and only stopped for what’s outlined about. He seems to feel the need to be good for some reason, I’d love for us to occasionally have fun. Yesterday I went for dinner and I caught him on a couple of occasions staring at my cleavage. Husband thinks I should turn up tonight as outlined in the scenario above, whereas I’m cautious. I’ve tried to have the conversation about sex with him before. He reiterates the need to be good. He’s not said no, but he’s not said yes either. Canvassing opinions before I go potentially make an idiot of myself
Posted here and advice as not sure where is best to ask, thank you!"
I have two real life friends I found on fab.
If friend A turned up on my door in the way you described I would take her on the doorstep. She's a friend, we talk, it's good, she broke my heart but I know I can talk to her about anything.
Friend B means too much. I can't risk my friendship with her and sex is too much of a risk. Too many emotions involved. I know she fancies me and I fancy her.
So for you, the question is, how important is his friendship if you are wrong?
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Sounds to me like he loves you.
Having sex with someone you love who you know isn't gonna be "yours" can feel really self sabotage like. How can he move on from the woman he loves if he's still doing the things that created that love in the first instance? It will likely keep him stuck and unable to form other relationships.
There's every chance he is trying to protect not only your marriage but himself, and trying to seduce him sounds really selfish. |
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"Sounds to me like he loves you.
Having sex with someone you love who you know isn't gonna be "yours" can feel really self sabotage like. How can he move on from the woman he loves if he's still doing the things that created that love in the first instance? It will likely keep him stuck and unable to form other relationships.
There's every chance he is trying to protect not only your marriage but himself, and trying to seduce him sounds really selfish."
I'm not saying that the sex created the love btw, but that he's trying to reframe the relationship as platonic to give everyone a fighting chance in the heart department. |
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Thank you for the replies, I appreciate all of the input and advice.
I put on my big girl pants and spoke to him. Due to the uncertainty previously I wanted to confirm where we are both at. He said essentially that I’m very special to him and he would like us to remain as friends, he feels better all around to have distanced himself from anything sexual or emotional. I think he meant in general.
So I have my answer, I didn’t make an idiot of myself and I properly know where I stand now. He means a great deal to me and I didn’t want to jeopardise the friendship/relationship that we have, because spending time with him is great. Plus it means that when things are a bit safer I can look at putting myself back into Fab, as I’d been hesitant to delve into anything else and I still have quite a bit of exploring I want to do.
Thank you again |
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NSA relationships and fbs are formed so that we can end them sexually at any point when they no longer suit us, which can include when emotions become involved and more complex. It can still be difficult to have to deal with these ending or transforming but it's in everyone's interest when they do, as the nature of the contract has been broken.
You potentially now have to choose between closing that door or living with a different friendship. You can discuss this with him, so you're not holding this pressure alone.
It may be painful to walk away but you do have to be wary and careful now. |
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Don't.... I once , no twice, come to think if it, there have been several times when suspected my wife has played away when I thought we were fairly happily married. When, after the second time, we stood in the kitchen trying to have a serious discussion about our future, she suddenly pulled out one of her tits.... Like a fool, instead of waiting for her to give me an explanation as to why she'd been Playing away, I dived in and started sucking her nipple. She SEDUCED me by my own weakness. Now 10 years on I'm stuck in a sexless unhappy marriage. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hello. What do I advise? I’m not sure I could offer any. Without reading beyond what you have written in opening this thread, I apologise if I am repeating the advice and opinions of others thereafter.
If I were in his shoes, that is exactly how I would behave if I had feelings for someone I can’t ‘have.’ It’s that simple for me.
To keep that boundary between someone who goes home at the end of the day when I would hope that she stays in my life beyond a few wonderful hours each time we meet. The one who occasionally thinks of me but would choose another if asked to stay.
If I am already emotionally involved and standing on the precipice of falling deeper and perhaps hoping for more, sex is more lovemaking than a physical act of pleasure for a few hours.
I am protecting myself and your marriage.
Why wouldn’t I walk away instead? My feelings are already invested in you. It isn’t that easy to leave.
This is my opinion of the situation with nothing more than the information provided in your opening statement. Perhaps it would be different if I read on and more information is forthcoming thereafter. |
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As in any situation, one person shouldn't push their agenda over the other's. A guy doing this would get slated and its no different. I would find it too pushy and it would destroy the friendship for me, as it would indicate lack of respect. The essential of swinging is respect! |
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