Hay all, so I find myself here looking for a bit of advice, maybe even reassurance that I will be able to please. L has always loved the idea of being tied, blindfolded etc however since we have found this scene, her tastes have also evolved to slight BDSM ( hard slapping of her arse, restriction around her breasts). She would like me to take this further and we have recently bought an ankle bar and bed restraints. I would just like to understand others experiences of this as I am not as comfortable / experienced as I wish I were. |
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Discuss your concerns and her ideas before getting to that point. Both have a clear way of saying that you aren't comfortable and then play, it is supposed to be fun. You will probably enjoy it if she is too! |
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By *vilgasamWoman
over a year ago
The dot in the i |
Discussions, talking, being clear, being as open and honest as possible is the best advice I can offer
There isn’t really a set way to go about BDSM so much as building trust, trusting that you won’t push each other too far and trusting safe words will always be used and heard where needed are great first steps
Hope you have fun op  |
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You got the basic covered and thats talking about it. But don't think if it as entering a " scene ". Just write your own. When you get things like bars and restraints it's always best to make sure you familiarise yourself with them and how they work, and the locks before using . Sounds as she said about what she wants to try but whst about You? Do you want to? If not, then don't. If you do then it's mostly down to confidence. I'm sure you wouldn't need worry about not pleasing her as the fact you have gone to these lengths should be doing alot of that. Just don't rush head long into it. Introduce things slowly untill your both more confident and see where it takes you. After all its not about setting limits. It's about finding them |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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For you both to get a lot of pleasure from it then I suggest you look online for videos and instructions first.
If you are not confident in your ability then it may not meet her fantasy and in role play attitude makes a lot of difference.
When you are more confident then rehearse and then have a go - you may love it but if not then at least you have done something for your partner. |
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It’s a very tricky subject, but can be simplified to a degree.
Pick a safe word- it needs to be TOTALLY unrelated, mine is jellybeans.
This adds a bit of support for both of you. You know that she is feeling panicked/ stressed/ unhappy she can stop it and you know if she hasn’t your ok to carry on so for me that’s your big first
Next make sure you talk, it may be awkward but for example the spanking, if her bum is getting red and your worrying about it but she’s dirty talking you egging you ok she’s still enjoying it.
The tying up thing is a little more simple, discuss things she’s happy for you to do and things she’s not happy and maybe a couple of things to try, make sure she can be easily released incase of any issue and for the beginning at least she can still use her mouth to safeword ( if she wants the gagged feeling have one she could spit out maybe)
Have fun and explore, happy to chat if you want  |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
Let me address the part of you feel that feels uncomfortable.
Are you uncomfortable because it is not normal? Surveys show that a significant minority of people have fantasies about bdsm to various degrees.
Are you uncomfortable because only mentally ill people do BDSM? Kink that does not involve permanent harm is no longer listed as a mental illness.
Are you uncomfortable about hurting a women or someone you love? I got over this in two ways. Firstly that person has specifically asked you to do certain things to her. If she asked you to give her a massage and really dig into the knots I am sure you could do that. I find seeing it as therapy helpful. Secondly if a man is not worried about hurting a woman and does not go through a proper mental process, he is not to be trusted. The point is abuse is wrong, but actions with informed consent and positively desired is acceptable.
I hope this helps.
In regard to experience there is a wealth of information online and in this thread.
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With anything to do with BDSM make sure you have a safe word (or signal if they won’t be able to speak) that way if their completely uncomfortable they can tell you.
If you need more guidance on the types of things she wants only she can answer that. It’s best to sit and have a genuine conversation outside of any sexual situation about what you’re both looking to get out of it, and limits and things like that.
Paying close attention to how they react during the scene to different things is also important. Did they moan when this happened, flinch when something else happened or give you any other signs that they liked or disliked something? The better you know your partner the better you’ll be at this, so exploration and practise while being safe and respecting limits is best way to learn these things!
Oh also, don’t neglect aftercare, it’s important no matter how extreme the scene is |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
You will become more comfortable the more you practice it and learn to love it!
Be playful , you don’t need to be an expert , be prepared to make a few mistakes and have a laugh.
She will likely prefer to be a bit outside her comfort zone and you will need to be too, how far, you will only know by doing.
If you know your partner well you won’t need safe words unless your into role play , you should know when to ease off or stop.
Make sure you understand a few things, it’s called RACK, there’s no concept of consensual assault etc, it’s still a crime. Know your first aid - airways, recovery position. Stay alert of her and don’t get too carried away in the fun you lose awareness, look after her after properly, physically and emotionally |
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If your new to bondage and tying someone up .. just leave everything a bit loose .. Unless you’ve spent a great deal of money on some serious equipment most stuff can be wiggles out of ..
leave a nice bit of slack around the wrists and ankles so that she could get out if she needed to . And tell her what you are doing and why you are doing it .. ..There always has to be an escape route , especially when starting out . Bondage and restraint are funny things , it’s craved but can cause a degree at panic at first . And sometimes we only need to feel bound to enjoy the sensation of helplessness ..
If it’s spanking only you are engaging in then just go gentle , cheek to cheek and cup your hand as you spank , not flat handed . It’s gentler on you as well as her .. Warm the buttocks up , let them become pink rather than red . If she’s enjoying it you will see it ..
It’s not sadistic what you are doing , it’s fine , be positive though , Spankings don’t seem to work if they are done clumsy..
One way of beginning is to instruct her ( or him if it’s in reverse ) to thank you after every spank . That way communication is maintained during play and you can start to hear her voice pitch changing if you go to hard ..
Have fun ..
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"If your new to bondage and tying someone up .. just leave everything a bit loose .. Unless you’ve spent a great deal of money on some serious equipment most stuff can be wiggles out of ..
leave a nice bit of slack around the wrists and ankles so that she could get out if she needed to . And tell her what you are doing and why you are doing it .. ..There always has to be an escape route , especially when starting out . Bondage and restraint are funny things , it’s craved but can cause a degree at panic at first . And sometimes we only need to feel bound to enjoy the sensation of helplessness ..
If it’s spanking only you are engaging in then just go gentle , cheek to cheek and cup your hand as you spank , not flat handed . It’s gentler on you as well as her .. Warm the buttocks up , let them become pink rather than red . If she’s enjoying it you will see it ..
It’s not sadistic what you are doing , it’s fine , be positive though , Spankings don’t seem to work if they are done clumsy..
One way of beginning is to instruct her ( or him if it’s in reverse ) to thank you after every spank . That way communication is maintained during play and you can start to hear her voice pitch changing if you go to hard ..
Have fun ..
"
Good advice 
If you learn bowline column ties, you can do them with two of your fingers inside so they are a little loose and done properly a bowline will not tighten on itself under strain. And don’t make the knots again the veins! Spin them around |
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Lots of good advice given already and very on point. There is a difference when you feel lukewarm or unsure about doing something and when you don't actually want to. Forget all that nonsence about "natural" Domly Doms TM - most of domination can be and is learned. Take your time, time is your friend.
Regarding safe words, nothing wrong with classic traffic lights - red for stop, yellow for slow down or pause and green for continue.
Regarding restraints - avoid rope ir anything that requires in-depth knowledge, just use simple Velcro restraints that can be attached with cabiners or even cable ties (but be careful with these and have scissors handy).
Remember that a lot of excitement we create in our mind and figure out how you feel about role play or whether you are better with silent presence.
Beginner (and not only just beginner) dominant trick - make some notes about your plans for a session - you can always look them up when you have your partner blindfolded.
Make sure you discuss things in good enough detail to know your partners known desires, soft limits and hard limits. By known desires I mean that these lists might change as we are often not completely aware of what we like and dislike.
Have water, snacks and a blanket for aftercare - depending on what play is like and what your partner needs. Very often, they just need a hug and a cuddle afterwards but water is always handy.
Do not drink too much before play and if in doubt, go slower - you can always build on the previous experience. Just like the above, warm up the bottom before spanking or any other impact and make sure you know the dangerous zones (spine, bone areas, kidneys etc).
DO NOT experiment with choking as seen in porn. Just saying, because it seems to be a trend (!) at the moment. There is no way to do breath play safely as it is inherently dangerous. There are however a number of ways to give the impression of control over body such as handling the person in such a way that they FEEL the impact and yet nothing dangerous is happening to them. The secret is firm handling without pressure so things like stepping too close into their personal space, holding them firmly but painlessly, placing their limbs where you want them to be etc - hopefully you get the idea.
And yes, there is a reason why it is called play - it's meant to be fun! Being able to have a laugh works wonders.
There is no one "twue vay", everyone is different and discovering things with your partner can be so lovely. |
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Ok, wow. Thank you all for some amazing advice. It is very much appreciated. My concern has always been if I am up to the task and i'll take away the following;
Further discussion with L.
Traffic light system (safe word).
Firm touch rather than rough touch.
Give strangulation/ neck play a miss.
Take things slow (at first).
Most importantly, have fun.
Once again, thank you all. |
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