FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swingers Chat > Friends who are in sexless or nearly sexless relationships
Friends who are in sexless or nearly sexless relationships
Jump to: Newest in thread
I have a handful of non swinging guy friends who are in long term relationships or marriages that have hardly any or no sex because their partners see sex as a Chore and do want too, I’ve given all the advice I can to the point of if you aren’t happy and starting to look at other people then it’s time to have a serious chat with their other half. It seems they are trying their best, nice meals, affection, all sorts to try abs boost confidence and libido but it’s not happening.
With the amount of people in the swinging lifestyle and on these sites I think we forget about the people who aren’t getting any atall, and how much it effects the confidence.
Anyone got any words of wisdom I can give them? Xxx |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
They’ve been talking to their partners. I know most of the other half’s and I’ve chatted with them and asked why the don’t want to and they have said they just aren’t interested in sex...I just don’t get it! Seeing my partner happy and satisfied and turned on by me is the greatest feeling! Xx |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
 |
By *irginieWoman
over a year ago
Near Marlborough |
Two of the men I love (as friends) most in the world are in that situation and, I suspect others that don’t like to admit it..
Maintaining a sex life takes work. It’s not easy. But once it starts to fail it’s so hard to replace the intimacy. It’s why my marriage failed ultimately.
It’s sad for the people involved to be so far apart.
V x |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I think long term relationships are hard. Women get bored, men get bored, people stop making time for each other. Manogonmy has been sold to us as 'natural' when it is not, its unrealistic.
I dont think one answers fits all. I've found once intimacy is gone, it's hard to regain it |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I have a handful of non swinging guy friends who are in long term relationships or marriages that have hardly any or no sex because their partners see sex as a Chore and do want too, I’ve given all the advice I can to the point of if you aren’t happy and starting to look at other people then it’s time to have a serious chat with their other half. It seems they are trying their best, nice meals, affection, all sorts to try abs boost confidence and libido but it’s not happening.
With the amount of people in the swinging lifestyle and on these sites I think we forget about the people who aren’t getting any atall, and how much it effects the confidence.
Anyone got any words of wisdom I can give them? Xxx"
Been in that situation. Its ghastly. Looking back I could probably have been less pushy but not sure it would have changed anything beyond having a few less rows. She either went off me or went off sex with me... I tried really really hard. I have no idea but it's very easy to get dragged down with it. I'd say, keep your spirits up, keep your behaviour up and keep open minded to what may help. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *yphodMan
over a year ago
London |
Menopause can be a big issue.
They may genuinely love their partner but do have certain needs.
Should they leave their partner over something that is not their fault.
Should they resort to porn and wanking and make do?
Do they pay for a prostitute (an allaborate wank as I have heard it described as)
Have an affair or go to a club.
Not an easy one to answer |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I think long term relationships are hard. Women get bored, men get bored, people stop making time for each other. Manogonmy has been sold to us as 'natural' when it is not, its unrealistic.
I dont think one answers fits all. I've found once intimacy is gone, it's hard to regain it"
Monogamy works for some people |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Are you sure they are not just trying to get a sympathy shag ?
Have they tried pulling their weight in the house or, with their children ?
Or, they could just ask their partner "
Men telling women they can't get a shag at home are just testing the water and begging for a sympathy shag.
Most of the time they do get sex at home but that doesn't tug the heart strings of their target.  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"They’ve been talking to their partners. I know most of the other half’s and I’ve chatted with them and asked why the don’t want to and they have said they just aren’t interested in sex...I just don’t get it! Seeing my partner happy and satisfied and turned on by me is the greatest feeling! Xx"
All the other halves have just lost interest? No differing reasons?
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"After the menopause some women just loose their sex drive altogether and there is very little a partner can do to revive it.
You have to either work with it or work around it."
This  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I was in that situation and didn't have sex for around 19 years. For me, I could have coped if it wasn't the fact all intimacy went with it, right down to hand holding and hugs. To me it was lifeless and in the end divorced.
Childbirth and menopause can have a big impact. Men need to be attuned to this. But keep the communication going and try to find time alone together just to enjoy eachother's company. While sex may be off the cards, other forms of intimacy should still be there. If not, then something is very wrong. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Are you sure they are not just trying to get a sympathy shag ?
Have they tried pulling their weight in the house or, with their children ?
Or, they could just ask their partner
Men telling women they can't get a shag at home are just testing the water and begging for a sympathy shag.
Most of the time they do get sex at home but that doesn't tug the heart strings of their target. "
Nope... That's wrong |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
All my friends are 30’s and 20’s....no menopause’s!
And they aren’t trying to get sympathy shags...I know there other half’s and they know I won’t go there....
One of them has literally done so much for his Mrs, if I was with someone who did all those things to help
Me I wouldn’t stop showing him love and appreciation!
Yes intimacy is gone..no cuddling or handholding. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"All my friends are 30’s and 20’s....no menopause’s!
And they aren’t trying to get sympathy shags...I know there other half’s and they know I won’t go there....
One of them has literally done so much for his Mrs, if I was with someone who did all those things to help
Me I wouldn’t stop showing him love and appreciation!
Yes intimacy is gone..no cuddling or handholding. "
Do they have young children? Serously when babies are sucking the life out of you a shag is the last thing on your mind. Lack of sleep, rest and just being a person is hard enough. The men need to do half the childcare not ‘help with the kids’ .....
If that’s not it then it may be that the women have had children and see sec as procreation and that’s it. I’d say of about 15 of my closest friends 5 are sexual 5 do it ‘to get it over with’ and the other five have no interest now they’ve have kids. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
It *always* takes two. Once one partner is looking to a friend to help solve marital problems the seed of going elsewhere for other stuff is sown in their mind.
If any of my friends confided in me that lack of sex was a problem in their relationship I'd first tell them to have an honest talk with their partner followed by couples counselling if they couldn't resolve the situation themselves. It's not something I'd want to get involved in.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
It can also be that during the early stages of a relationship the novelty of the relationship and the sex are exciting. But this in fact covers up the fact that the couple are not quite so sexually compatible. It could be that one party enjoys raw rude sex and the other likes the emotional type. If one or both partners Cant or won’t offer what the other desires at least part of the time, the sex life and intimacy dies It takes effort and consideration from both partners |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"All my friends are 30’s and 20’s....no menopause’s!
And they aren’t trying to get sympathy shags...I know there other half’s and they know I won’t go there....
One of them has literally done so much for his Mrs, if I was with someone who did all those things to help
Me I wouldn’t stop showing him love and appreciation!
Yes intimacy is gone..no cuddling or handholding.
Do they have young children? Serously when babies are sucking the life out of you a shag is the last thing on your mind. Lack of sleep, rest and just being a person is hard enough. The men need to do half the childcare not ‘help with the kids’ .....
If that’s not it then it may be that the women have had children and see sec as procreation and that’s it. I’d say of about 15 of my closest friends 5 are sexual 5 do it ‘to get it over with’ and the other five have no interest now they’ve have kids. "
If I was in a relationship with a women with no intrest in sex. I would say bye bye it's over |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"All my friends are 30’s and 20’s....no menopause’s!
And they aren’t trying to get sympathy shags...I know there other half’s and they know I won’t go there....
One of them has literally done so much for his Mrs, if I was with someone who did all those things to help
Me I wouldn’t stop showing him love and appreciation!
Yes intimacy is gone..no cuddling or handholding.
Do they have young children? Serously when babies are sucking the life out of you a shag is the last thing on your mind. Lack of sleep, rest and just being a person is hard enough. The men need to do half the childcare not ‘help with the kids’ .....
If that’s not it then it may be that the women have had children and see sec as procreation and that’s it. I’d say of about 15 of my closest friends 5 are sexual 5 do it ‘to get it over with’ and the other five have no interest now they’ve have kids. "
Nope no little ones. One older one which is his. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *etcplCouple
over a year ago
Gapping Fanny |
"It *always* takes two. Once one partner is looking to a friend to help solve marital problems the seed of going elsewhere for other stuff is sown in their mind.
If any of my friends confided in me that lack of sex was a problem in their relationship I'd first tell them to have an honest talk with their partner followed by couples counselling if they couldn't resolve the situation themselves. It's not something I'd want to get involved in.
"
I agree with this.
Its not your place to help solve their marriage issues, they both need to have a frank conversation about it.
Buying gifts or treating people to meals and expecting sex in return without talking about it is at best a covert contract which is not a healthy mental practice.
Having been in a similar situation, what eventually solved it for us was an uncomfortable but overdue talk one Monday morning. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"It *always* takes two. Once one partner is looking to a friend to help solve marital problems the seed of going elsewhere for other stuff is sown in their mind.
If any of my friends confided in me that lack of sex was a problem in their relationship I'd first tell them to have an honest talk with their partner followed by couples counselling if they couldn't resolve the situation themselves. It's not something I'd want to get involved in.
I agree with this.
Its not your place to help solve their marriage issues, they both need to have a frank conversation about it.
Buying gifts or treating people to meals and expecting sex in return without talking about it is at best a covert contract which is not a healthy mental practice.
Having been in a similar situation, what eventually solved it for us was an uncomfortable but overdue talk one Monday morning."
Good comment  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *unpetexyzaMan
over a year ago
Northant,Leicestershire, Warwickshire borders |
"After the menopause some women just loose their sex drive altogether and there is very little a partner can do to revive it.
You have to either work with it or work around it."
This is so true |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I think long term relationships are hard. Women get bored, men get bored, people stop making time for each other. Manogonmy has been sold to us as 'natural' when it is not, its unrealistic.
I dont think one answers fits all. I've found once intimacy is gone, it's hard to regain it"
This |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Some tip top examples of empathy for men in this thread.
On topic - The only worthwhile advice to those men is this - Take the time to work on yourself. Lift, read, eat right, develop. At the same time if you think that the relationship can be salvaged do make the attempt; but don't expect miracles; once this road has been walked down it's rarely possible to walk back.
Once you have done your level best to meet her halfway, and to make yourself as appetising as possible, either she will want to jump on board or she won't. If she doesn't then it's time to leave so far as I'm concerned.
Don't let her guilt you that you are selfish for leaving over sex. Don't let her convince you that sex is a really minor thing and that you're a depraved pervert for expecting it to be a part of your life and your relationship. It isn't, and you aren't. It's important for most people.
If you do all of this you will be in the best place possible to bounce back. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"They’ve been talking to their partners. I know most of the other half’s and I’ve chatted with them and asked why the don’t want to and they have said they just aren’t interested in sex...I just don’t get it! Seeing my partner happy and satisfied and turned on by me is the greatest feeling! Xx"
couples who function without sex is very very common and it's often but not always the husband who is left in a sexless marrage there are many reasons for this some health some won't ever have a reason that's understood.
This doesn't mean it's a loveless marriage, so this is a great solution. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I’ve been in this situation (before I joined here) and deluded myself to think things could improve...
After 3 years of next to no sex the relationship ended due to infidelity, ironically she cheated not me....
In my opinion and own experience, wants it’s gone that far you’re better off leaving the relationship as friends before one or the other of you strays and it turns nasty |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Some tip top examples of empathy for men in this thread.
On topic - The only worthwhile advice to those men is this - Take the time to work on yourself. Lift, read, eat right, develop. At the same time if you think that the relationship can be salvaged do make the attempt; but don't expect miracles; once this road has been walked down it's rarely possible to walk back.
Once you have done your level best to meet her halfway, and to make yourself as appetising as possible, either she will want to jump on board or she won't. If she doesn't then it's time to leave so far as I'm concerned.
Don't let her guilt you that you are selfish for leaving over sex. Don't let her convince you that sex is a really minor thing and that you're a depraved pervert for expecting it to be a part of your life and your relationship. It isn't, and you aren't. It's important for most people.
If you do all of this you will be in the best place possible to bounce back. "
ALL OF THIS |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"You can't compare what people on a swingers site do with a non swinger "
Absolutely, and You also shouldn't judge others unless you've walked a mile in their shoes. I know people who have happy marriages but not had sex with eachother for 15 years. I know others who fuck like bunnies and argue every minute. People find what they can in their own situation and as long as it works for both of them, that's great. When one has needs that aren't being met... And there are no kids... I do t think there is an easy answer, other than as someone has already said... Be the best you that you can possibly be. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I’ve been in this situation (before I joined here) and deluded myself to think things could improve...
After 3 years of next to no sex the relationship ended due to infidelity, ironically she cheated not me....
In my opinion and own experience, wants it’s gone that far you’re better off leaving the relationship as friends before one or the other of you strays and it turns nasty"
This exactly |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
From a personal perspective my ex went of sex (or sex with me) two decades ago, I struggled with this for over a decade with a dwindling self confidence over my attractiveness/desirability- eventually I could take no more and left working on the theory that hope is better than no hope. My story - still hoping  |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I left. A life with no sex did not appeal. Best thing i ever done.
Me too ..... sex is the glue that holds a marriage together or not in my opinion. I couldn’t abs wouldn’t live without it .... "
If sex is the only thing holding a marriage together it's probably on a shoogly peg |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
From the other point of view, I was the woman in this situation. Working full time, 2 young kids and a husband with a higher sex drive than mine.
It then became another thing on my to do list, along with feelings of guilt that I couldn't meet his needs, anger that I was meeting so many of his other needs but that wasn't being recognised. It became a huge elephant in the room, the cause of nearly argument we had. I went from having a healthy sex drive to none at all because of all the negativity associated with it.
It's really tough to navigate but I agree with others that it's an issue for the couples to resolve, and all you can do as a friend is be there to listen. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I left. A life with no sex did not appeal. Best thing i ever done.
Me too ..... sex is the glue that holds a marriage together or not in my opinion. I couldn’t abs wouldn’t live without it ....
If sex is the only thing holding a marriage together it's probably on a shoogly peg "
exactly my point, plenty of msrrages are full of love but no sex it's a fact, it doesn't mean it has to end |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I left. A life with no sex did not appeal. Best thing i ever done.
Me too ..... sex is the glue that holds a marriage together or not in my opinion. I couldn’t abs wouldn’t live without it .... "
But what if your sex drive just went? But your partners went higher.....what then? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I left. A life with no sex did not appeal. Best thing i ever done.
Me too ..... sex is the glue that holds a marriage together or not in my opinion. I couldn’t abs wouldn’t live without it ....
But what if your sex drive just went? But your partners went higher.....what then? "
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I'm on here because my wife lost all interest a couple of years ago, a mixture of menopause and health issues. We still do it on occasions so I suppose I can't complain but there's no enthusiasm or initiative from her side. we did have a long conversation last year and she said she had no issue with me looking for sex elsewhere which is why I'm on here which she knows about. I've had no luck so have no idea how it will play out in reality although she's been encouraging about a couple of couples I nearly met up with. I don't think either of us want to separate and I still love her If there was any chance of intimacy and passion returning to our marriage I'd be off from here in a heartbeat but in the meantime at least me looking on here takes any pressure from her. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm on here because my wife lost all interest a couple of years ago, a mixture of menopause and health issues. We still do it on occasions so I suppose I can't complain but there's no enthusiasm or initiative from her side. we did have a long conversation last year and she said she had no issue with me looking for sex elsewhere which is why I'm on here which she knows about. I've had no luck so have no idea how it will play out in reality although she's been encouraging about a couple of couples I nearly met up with. I don't think either of us want to separate and I still love her If there was any chance of intimacy and passion returning to our marriage I'd be off from here in a heartbeat but in the meantime at least me looking on here takes any pressure from her."
Can I ask what if it was the other way round? I'm not judging just asking |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I think long term relationships are hard. Women get bored, men get bored, people stop making time for each other. Manogonmy has been sold to us as 'natural' when it is not, its unrealistic.
I dont think one answers fits all. I've found once intimacy is gone, it's hard to regain it
Monogamy works for some people "
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Some tip top examples of empathy for men in this thread.
On topic - The only worthwhile advice to those men is this - Take the time to work on yourself. Lift, read, eat right, develop. At the same time if you think that the relationship can be salvaged do make the attempt; but don't expect miracles; once this road has been walked down it's rarely possible to walk back.
Once you have done your level best to meet her halfway, and to make yourself as appetising as possible, either she will want to jump on board or she won't. If she doesn't then it's time to leave so far as I'm concerned.
Don't let her guilt you that you are selfish for leaving over sex. Don't let her convince you that sex is a really minor thing and that you're a depraved pervert for expecting it to be a part of your life and your relationship. It isn't, and you aren't. It's important for most people.
If you do all of this you will be in the best place possible to bounce back. "
Great advice. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"The vast majority of men I've met on this site all say they don't get anything at home , it's usually the main reason they join sites like this one "
I saw you when I lived in Doncaster, I was in a sexless marriage, your sensual massage was a perfect combination of intimacy and sex, it was what I needed
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I think you can either maintain a relationship without sex or with less sex than you'd like, or you cant. It's worth remembering that the day might come in a long relationship, where the positions are reversed.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I'm a guy that has not had sex with my wife for about 12 yrs, I am now her carer as she has joint and mobility problems. I have always been the bread winner and have created a nice home mainly by diy. I now cook, clean and do laundry plus look after our pets which include her hens and ducks
I dont look for sympathy but I do miss the intimate times and would like some more before I pass.
I have been married for a long time and have talked but never got the ok to have nsa sex with anyone else. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I'm a guy that has not had sex with my wife for about 12 yrs, I am now her carer as she has joint and mobility problems. I have always been the bread winner and have created a nice home mainly by diy. I now cook, clean and do laundry plus look after our pets which include her hens and ducks
I dont look for sympathy but I do miss the intimate times and would like some more before I pass.
I have been married for a long time and have talked but never got the ok to have nsa sex with anyone else."
It must be difficult in that situation. Carers are expected to give up everything willingly and that can't be easy |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"at least me looking on here takes any pressure from her.
So if you werent on here she would be under pressure to have sex with you ?"
Not as such because I like to think I'm a decent person. But clearly if one person has a higher sex drive than the other then there will be frustration. It's about getting a balance and understanding each others needs. If my wife didn't want me on here then I'd accept the situation and not pressure her but as others have commented it doesn't make for a happy marriage. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm a guy that has not had sex with my wife for about 12 yrs, I am now her carer as she has joint and mobility problems. I have always been the bread winner and have created a nice home mainly by diy. I now cook, clean and do laundry plus look after our pets which include her hens and ducks
I dont look for sympathy but I do miss the intimate times and would like some more before I pass.
I have been married for a long time and have talked but never got the ok to have nsa sex with anyone else.
It must be difficult in that situation. Carers are expected to give up everything willingly and that can't be easy "
Yeah its called love |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I'm on here because my wife lost all interest a couple of years ago, a mixture of menopause and health issues. We still do it on occasions so I suppose I can't complain but there's no enthusiasm or initiative from her side. we did have a long conversation last year and she said she had no issue with me looking for sex elsewhere which is why I'm on here which she knows about. I've had no luck so have no idea how it will play out in reality although she's been encouraging about a couple of couples I nearly met up with. I don't think either of us want to separate and I still love her If there was any chance of intimacy and passion returning to our marriage I'd be off from here in a heartbeat but in the meantime at least me looking on here takes any pressure from her.
Can I ask what if it was the other way round? I'm not judging just asking "
I'm not honestly sure as I don't have a low sex drive. I'd like to think I was able to give her space to be sexually satisfied elsewhere but I'd also like to think I might be bit jealous and worried about losing her so try to rekindle some lost intimacy. Difficult situation for both of us but I'm sure many couples have a similar situation. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
There are many things you don't see, many a vibe that won't get noticed until behind closed doors.
I can only speak of personal experience and there were many reasons I'd not want sex.
One of them being him helping round the house in the hope of sex. Dude, do it coz you want to, coz you WANT to help, not coz you think it'll free up half hour of my time for nookie. Knowing it's been done for that reason alone kills the moment and any chance, coz it seems sneaky. Make it normal behaviour.
Appreciate me and what I do, I'll appreciate your appreciation.
Don't call me names and expect me to want you inside me. Don't disrespect me and expect me to want you inside me.
Don't choose your mates over me and expect me to want you inside me.
Don't play with your food, huff and puff about it coz you don't like it and expect me to want you inside me.
Don't speak to my kid like shit then expect me to want you inside me.
At the same time, I could have done more but I wasn't prepared to fight with the pub, his mates, Guinness or any of the other things that were more worthy of his time than me. They were welcome to him.
Couples counselling. Couples counselling, and just in case I wasn't heard..... couples counselling.
Try not to talk with frustration when discussing it, right there as soon as you can hear the frustration it's boom, an extra layer of pressure that hasn't actually been applied, but it's felt.
There's a lady called Esther Perel who talks so much sense about the struggles of maintaining a healthy sex life.
"Mating in captivity" plus many more. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I'm a guy that has not had sex with my wife for about 12 yrs, I am now her carer as she has joint and mobility problems. I have always been the bread winner and have created a nice home mainly by diy. I now cook, clean and do laundry plus look after our pets which include her hens and ducks
I dont look for sympathy but I do miss the intimate times and would like some more before I pass.
I have been married for a long time and have talked but never got the ok to have nsa sex with anyone else.
It must be difficult in that situation. Carers are expected to give up everything willingly and that can't be easy
Yeah its called love"
Love is not a magic wand that makes things easy and it's not a reason to disregard people's very natural needs for intimacy or expect them to put them all to one side. It's patronising. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Menopause can be a big issue.
They may genuinely love their partner but do have certain needs.
Should they leave their partner over something that is not their fault.
Should they resort to porn and wanking and make do?
Do they pay for a prostitute (an allaborate wank as I have heard it described as)
Have an affair or go to a club.
Not an easy one to answer"
A comprehensive list of options there! Sex isn’t so important the older you get, kindness, friendship, security are higher virtues. I’m less inclined to seek carnal relations now, if my wife still has the desire I’m happy for her to find it elsewhere. I still love her the same. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Menopause can be a big issue.
They may genuinely love their partner but do have certain needs.
Should they leave their partner over something that is not their fault.
Should they resort to porn and wanking and make do?
Do they pay for a prostitute (an allaborate wank as I have heard it described as)
Have an affair or go to a club.
Not an easy one to answer
A comprehensive list of options there! Sex isn’t so important the older you get, kindness, friendship, security are higher virtues. I’m less inclined to seek carnal relations now, if my wife still has the desire I’m happy for her to find it elsewhere. I still love her the same."
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm a guy that has not had sex with my wife for about 12 yrs, I am now her carer as she has joint and mobility problems. I have always been the bread winner and have created a nice home mainly by diy. I now cook, clean and do laundry plus look after our pets which include her hens and ducks
I dont look for sympathy but I do miss the intimate times and would like some more before I pass.
I have been married for a long time and have talked but never got the ok to have nsa sex with anyone else.
It must be difficult in that situation. Carers are expected to give up everything willingly and that can't be easy
Yeah its called love
Love is not a magic wand that makes things easy and it's not a reason to disregard people's very natural needs for intimacy or expect them to put them all to one side. It's patronising. "
Its not patronising...Read the post and its clear he loves his partner |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I'm a guy that has not had sex with my wife for about 12 yrs, I am now her carer as she has joint and mobility problems. I have always been the bread winner and have created a nice home mainly by diy. I now cook, clean and do laundry plus look after our pets which include her hens and ducks
I dont look for sympathy but I do miss the intimate times and would like some more before I pass.
I have been married for a long time and have talked but never got the ok to have nsa sex with anyone else.
It must be difficult in that situation. Carers are expected to give up everything willingly and that can't be easy
Yeah its called love
Love is not a magic wand that makes things easy and it's not a reason to disregard people's very natural needs for intimacy or expect them to put them all to one side. It's patronising.
Its not patronising...Read the post and its clear he loves his partner "
I think we've misunderstood each other. I can clearly see he loves his partner. I was saying it's patronising to expect carers to put all their needs to one side without complaining for love.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
I think there's a lot more sexless relationships - and involuntary ones at that - than we're lead to believe. One of us was in one for years, we didn't know the next door neighbours were just chalking-up a decade of no-sex. Someone we met on here was seeing us because she had had no sex at home for years. She said she didn't know what it was she'd said, but she must have said something. Her own words, and very sad. Not the most 'hey baby.....' introduction, either!
It's easy to imagine everyone's having sex like Duracell bunnies (I know, showing my age..), especially when you're not. But it probably isn't true.
I'm not talking about the laughable "INCEL" thing in the USA - you can see instantly why no sane woman wants to go anywhere near that gang of psycho sex-fascists.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm a guy that has not had sex with my wife for about 12 yrs, I am now her carer as she has joint and mobility problems. I have always been the bread winner and have created a nice home mainly by diy. I now cook, clean and do laundry plus look after our pets which include her hens and ducks
I dont look for sympathy but I do miss the intimate times and would like some more before I pass.
I have been married for a long time and have talked but never got the ok to have nsa sex with anyone else.
It must be difficult in that situation. Carers are expected to give up everything willingly and that can't be easy
Yeah its called love
Love is not a magic wand that makes things easy and it's not a reason to disregard people's very natural needs for intimacy or expect them to put them all to one side. It's patronising.
Its not patronising...Read the post and its clear he loves his partner
I think we've misunderstood each other. I can clearly see he loves his partner. I was saying it's patronising to expect carers to put all their needs to one side without complaining for love.
"
Sorry yes I think we have...apologies |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I'm a guy that has not had sex with my wife for about 12 yrs, I am now her carer as she has joint and mobility problems. I have always been the bread winner and have created a nice home mainly by diy. I now cook, clean and do laundry plus look after our pets which include her hens and ducks
I dont look for sympathy but I do miss the intimate times and would like some more before I pass.
I have been married for a long time and have talked but never got the ok to have nsa sex with anyone else.
It must be difficult in that situation. Carers are expected to give up everything willingly and that can't be easy
Yeah its called love
Love is not a magic wand that makes things easy and it's not a reason to disregard people's very natural needs for intimacy or expect them to put them all to one side. It's patronising.
Its not patronising...Read the post and its clear he loves his partner
I think we've misunderstood each other. I can clearly see he loves his partner. I was saying it's patronising to expect carers to put all their needs to one side without complaining for love.
Sorry yes I think we have...apologies "
Apologies not necessary  . I think we're actually in agreement |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *DGF20Man
over a year ago
Dublin |
One of the worst things in relationship unfortunately...especially if started in early stages like u said they are in their early 30's...never understood why some people losing interest for sex of course if they are healthy physically and mentally...fair enough for people letting their parents enjoy and still staying together in relationship or marriage |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I used to be firmly on the "cheating bastards" side of this debate but not anymore.
I have a good friend whose husband has eroded any sense of self worth or confidence over the years. She's "fat", "ugly" and too disgusting for him to consider having sex with. This is a woman who used to turn every head in the room when we worked together in our early twenties.
I do wish she would leave him but it's an extremely complicated relationship and family home life. I wouldn't grudge her or anyone in a similar situation seeking affection or attention elsewhere. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I used to be firmly on the "cheating bastards" side of this debate but not anymore.
I have a good friend whose husband has eroded any sense of self worth or confidence over the years. She's "fat", "ugly" and too disgusting for him to consider having sex with. This is a woman who used to turn every head in the room when we worked together in our early twenties.
I do wish she would leave him but it's an extremely complicated relationship and family home life. I wouldn't grudge her or anyone in a similar situation seeking affection or attention elsewhere."
Woman sometimes change over the years but if u love the person for what is inside your feelings or sexual desires would not. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I used to be firmly on the "cheating bastards" side of this debate but not anymore.
I have a good friend whose husband has eroded any sense of self worth or confidence over the years. She's "fat", "ugly" and too disgusting for him to consider having sex with. This is a woman who used to turn every head in the room when we worked together in our early twenties.
I do wish she would leave him but it's an extremely complicated relationship and family home life. I wouldn't grudge her or anyone in a similar situation seeking affection or attention elsewhere.
Woman sometimes change over the years but if u love the person for what is inside your feelings or sexual desires would not. "
This guy's a prick though and incapable of love in my opinion. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I used to be firmly on the "cheating bastards" side of this debate but not anymore.
I have a good friend whose husband has eroded any sense of self worth or confidence over the years. She's "fat", "ugly" and too disgusting for him to consider having sex with. This is a woman who used to turn every head in the room when we worked together in our early twenties.
I do wish she would leave him but it's an extremely complicated relationship and family home life. I wouldn't grudge her or anyone in a similar situation seeking affection or attention elsewhere.
Woman sometimes change over the years but if u love the person for what is inside your feelings or sexual desires would not.
This guy's a prick though and incapable of love in my opinion."
I feel for her, I really do.
I belonged to one of those types. I say belonged because that's exactly how it felt. Grind you down until you hate who you are and barely remember who you were.
I didn't cheat but I did have interest shown, and it gave me a boost I can't deny it.
I hope she finds herself again, realises he's nowt but a bully and moves forward onto a life where she regains her self worth. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
There are always two sides to things.
I’m very wary of men who broadcast to other women their sexual activities, or rather their lack of sexual activity.
Lend me your ear, lend me your fanny.
I’m just a suspicious bitch though.
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Ours started to go downhill twenty years ago, the last five of which were maybe two or three times a year, at the moment it's been almost a full year since the last time.
Many years ago I brought the subject up, and we discussed it calmly and rationally and we agreed we would make the effort. I continued to try to discuss it over the next few years only to be given empty promises of how we would work it out, then it would be quietly forgotten about. I have always done over and above my share of everything in the house, tried to get her in a romantic frame of mind, even booked weekends away, with no pressure from me to actually have sex. But it's all been for nothing, I could spot the excuses not to have sex before they were trotted out. 99 times out of 100 being turned down, then that one time being told "go on then" even then she doesn't actively participate. Just allows you to bring her to an orgasm manually then have intercourse. It's soul destroying. Over the last year I have given up. I won't ask her about it anymore. It's pointless. She honestly seems quite happy with the way things are. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Wow! What a response thanks all! I gave my best guy friend a goody bag of chocolate today...I said I know it isn’t sex but it’s some comfort and he laughed, I’ve also recommended books about the 5 languages of love to help him and his partner recognise and understand how the other feels and their desires and needs and wants in a relationship
Thank you for all
Your advice and some rather interesting comments!
It’s a tough situation! A very tough situation!
I’ve been on both sides of it for various reasons myself and well I’m single but learnt a lot! Xxx
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I used to be firmly on the "cheating bastards" side of this debate but not anymore.
I have a good friend whose husband has eroded any sense of self worth or confidence over the years. She's "fat", "ugly" and too disgusting for him to consider having sex with. This is a woman who used to turn every head in the room when we worked together in our early twenties.
I do wish she would leave him but it's an extremely complicated relationship and family home life. I wouldn't grudge her or anyone in a similar situation seeking affection or attention elsewhere.
Woman sometimes change over the years but if u love the person for what is inside your feelings or sexual desires would not.
This guy's a prick though and incapable of love in my opinion.
I feel for her, I really do.
I belonged to one of those types. I say belonged because that's exactly how it felt. Grind you down until you hate who you are and barely remember who you were.
I didn't cheat but I did have interest shown, and it gave me a boost I can't deny it.
I hope she finds herself again, realises he's nowt but a bully and moves forward onto a life where she regains her self worth. "
Cannae find the wee kiss emoji thing so "xxx".
Me too...it's been heart breaking to witness. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I used to be firmly on the "cheating bastards" side of this debate but not anymore.
I have a good friend whose husband has eroded any sense of self worth or confidence over the years. She's "fat", "ugly" and too disgusting for him to consider having sex with. This is a woman who used to turn every head in the room when we worked together in our early twenties.
I do wish she would leave him but it's an extremely complicated relationship and family home life. I wouldn't grudge her or anyone in a similar situation seeking affection or attention elsewhere."
Um even you just said she USED TO turn heads....I bet she still can...beauty is the eye of the beholder |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *orny PTMan
over a year ago
Peterborough |
"Wow! What a response thanks all! I gave my best guy friend a goody bag of chocolate today...I said I know it isn’t sex but it’s some comfort and he laughed, I’ve also recommended books about the 5 languages of love to help him and his partner recognise and understand how the other feels and their desires and needs and wants in a relationship
Thank you for all
Your advice and some rather interesting comments!
It’s a tough situation! A very tough situation!
I’ve been on both sides of it for various reasons myself and well I’m single but learnt a lot! Xxx
"
What a wonderful gesture, as us blokes like chocolate too! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I used to be firmly on the "cheating bastards" side of this debate but not anymore.
I have a good friend whose husband has eroded any sense of self worth or confidence over the years. She's "fat", "ugly" and too disgusting for him to consider having sex with. This is a woman who used to turn every head in the room when we worked together in our early twenties.
I do wish she would leave him but it's an extremely complicated relationship and family home life. I wouldn't grudge her or anyone in a similar situation seeking affection or attention elsewhere.
Um even you just said she USED TO turn heads....I bet she still can...beauty is the eye of the beholder "
I'm using the kind of language she uses to describe herself. It's more to do with how she carries herself now I think than her actual physical appearance. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I used to be firmly on the "cheating bastards" side of this debate but not anymore.
I have a good friend whose husband has eroded any sense of self worth or confidence over the years. She's "fat", "ugly" and too disgusting for him to consider having sex with. This is a woman who used to turn every head in the room when we worked together in our early twenties.
I do wish she would leave him but it's an extremely complicated relationship and family home life. I wouldn't grudge her or anyone in a similar situation seeking affection or attention elsewhere.
Um even you just said she USED TO turn heads....I bet she still can...beauty is the eye of the beholder
I'm using the kind of language she uses to describe herself. It's more to do with how she carries herself now I think than her actual physical appearance. "
Ok....it just reads different, sorry |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"There are always two sides to things.
I’m very wary of men who broadcast to other women their sexual activities, or rather their lack of sexual activity.
Lend me your ear, lend me your fanny.
I’m just a suspicious bitch though.
"
Yeah I'm not struck on this either |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Wow! What a response thanks all! I gave my best guy friend a goody bag of chocolate today...I said I know it isn’t sex but it’s some comfort and he laughed, I’ve also recommended books about the 5 languages of love to help him and his partner recognise and understand how the other feels and their desires and needs and wants in a relationship
Thank you for all
Your advice and some rather interesting comments!
It’s a tough situation! A very tough situation!
I’ve been on both sides of it for various reasons myself and well I’m single but learnt a lot! Xxx
"
hmm, I wonder if he has the same level of emotional intimacy with his wife? You giving him chocolate and saying its sort of a compensation for sex gave out entirely the wrong message in my opinion. Honestly and I mean this with the best of intentions, I think you should step away from this problem of his and leave him and his wife to read the book and work it out for themselves. You've already spoken about it on a public forum, (does he know that I wonder?) and loads of strangers who know nothing about the couples in question are passing various judgements, I wouldn't be happy if I was the wife in this equation. I genuinely don't think you need to be involved further. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Wow! What a response thanks all! I gave my best guy friend a goody bag of chocolate today...I said I know it isn’t sex but it’s some comfort and he laughed, I’ve also recommended books about the 5 languages of love to help him and his partner recognise and understand how the other feels and their desires and needs and wants in a relationship
Thank you for all
Your advice and some rather interesting comments!
It’s a tough situation! A very tough situation!
I’ve been on both sides of it for various reasons myself and well I’m single but learnt a lot! Xxx
hmm, I wonder if he has the same level of emotional intimacy with his wife? You giving him chocolate and saying its sort of a compensation for sex gave out entirely the wrong message in my opinion. Honestly and I mean this with the best of intentions, I think you should step away from this problem of his and leave him and his wife to read the book and work it out for themselves. You've already spoken about it on a public forum, (does he know that I wonder?) and loads of strangers who know nothing about the couples in question are passing various judgements, I wouldn't be happy if I was the wife in this equation. I genuinely don't think you need to be involved further."
1, the specific couple I mentioned aren’t married
2, yes he knowes I have seemed wisdom from
People in the lifestyle because there are such an array of people with different experiences
3, he is my best friend and I grew up with her, they both know me well and know they can trust me and they have both come to me to discuss the problems!
4, I am there for them because they are my friends and I love them whether they stay together or not and they know that I will continue to be friends with them either way.
5, the chocolate was a simple nice gift to make him smile!
6....you don’t know me, you don’t know them...no one here knowes the full story and I know that even I probably don’t know either!
7.....have some chocolate and cheer up! |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"Wow! What a response thanks all! I gave my best guy friend a goody bag of chocolate today...I said I know it isn’t sex but it’s some comfort and he laughed, I’ve also recommended books about the 5 languages of love to help him and his partner recognise and understand how the other feels and their desires and needs and wants in a relationship
Thank you for all
Your advice and some rather interesting comments!
It’s a tough situation! A very tough situation!
I’ve been on both sides of it for various reasons myself and well I’m single but learnt a lot! Xxx
hmm, I wonder if he has the same level of emotional intimacy with his wife? You giving him chocolate and saying its sort of a compensation for sex gave out entirely the wrong message in my opinion. Honestly and I mean this with the best of intentions, I think you should step away from this problem of his and leave him and his wife to read the book and work it out for themselves. You've already spoken about it on a public forum, (does he know that I wonder?) and loads of strangers who know nothing about the couples in question are passing various judgements, I wouldn't be happy if I was the wife in this equation. I genuinely don't think you need to be involved further.
1, the specific couple I mentioned aren’t married
2, yes he knowes I have seemed wisdom from
People in the lifestyle because there are such an array of people with different experiences
3, he is my best friend and I grew up with her, they both know me well and know they can trust me and they have both come to me to discuss the problems!
4, I am there for them because they are my friends and I love them whether they stay together or not and they know that I will continue to be friends with them either way.
5, the chocolate was a simple nice gift to make him smile!
6....you don’t know me, you don’t know them...no one here knowes the full story and I know that even I probably don’t know either!
7.....have some chocolate and cheer up! "
I just did thank you.
I was putting forward an opinion. Its clear it wasn't what you wanted to hear. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
Love all this 'no sex' then I'm off bollocks. You obviously weren't married, mortgaged and had 4 kids together. It's not so easy to 'do one' and move on to the next with so many ties. Can't believe most the comments I've just read really... |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *pertureTV/TS
over a year ago
New Ferry, wirral in stockings and sussies |
always seems its the mans fault, though it isnt, I was married 23 years had a full time job and worked weekends (because she always seemed to be spending more than I earned), sex died of fairly rapidly then when it was crisis and we discused splitting up, sex picked up for a while, she got pregnant accident or purpose who knows, sex died again, crisis pregnant, then same again, and no matter how bad i felt I wasnt going to walk out and leave it with 3 kids, but everything turned out fine, I got depresion then cancer and she upped and left effed of to malta and left me with serious health problems and 3 kids, and loads of loans mortgage etc alls well now, but i wont be trapped like that again. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *nt1Man
over a year ago
Allington |
My partner has no interest in sex in any way whatsoever. Talking to her about it is fruitless. It would be the same as me trying to suggest she should get into stamp collecting...
Ive put up with it for 12 years. I dont expect it to ever change. Its very depressing as i had a very good sex life before her. In hindsight i would have left long ago but there is more to our relationship thats not worth walking away from. Its a shame really. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"My partner has no interest in sex in any way whatsoever. Talking to her about it is fruitless. It would be the same as me trying to suggest she should get into stamp collecting...
Ive put up with it for 12 years. I dont expect it to ever change. Its very depressing as i had a very good sex life before her. In hindsight i would have left long ago but there is more to our relationship thats not worth walking away from. Its a shame really. "
But your still getting sex from other people? Maybe she is as well? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"I used to be firmly on the "cheating bastards" side of this debate but not anymore.
I have a good friend whose husband has eroded any sense of self worth or confidence over the years. She's "fat", "ugly" and too disgusting for him to consider having sex with. This is a woman who used to turn every head in the room when we worked together in our early twenties.
I do wish she would leave him but it's an extremely complicated relationship and family home life. I wouldn't grudge her or anyone in a similar situation seeking affection or attention elsewhere.
Woman sometimes change over the years but if u love the person for what is inside your feelings or sexual desires would not.
This guy's a prick though and incapable of love in my opinion."
Just a thought... A d not justifying any of what you said about him. But are you getting both sides of the story to form your judgement? |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
"
Xxcouples who function without sex is very very common ....
This doesn't mean it's a loveless marriage "
I've noticed it often means "I'd have to live in a smaller house if we broke up and everyone would find out no bonking for the past decade, so we're going to keep on pretending everything's hunky dory."
|
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
|
By *urflrCouple
over a year ago
wirral |
With my ex for nearly 15yrs with very little sex the last few years of that, and morn a whole lot before that but we seemed happy enough.
We were more like companions/friends but content I guess, house, mortgage kids etc. He then broke my heart in to a thousand pieces. Took me a couple of years to start dipping my toe in the dating world and cannot honestly say splitting up with him was for the best. There’s a lot to be said for companionship/friendship/comfort but being mid 40’s and experiencing a proper sex life for the first time ever is amazing. |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
or View forums list | |
» Add a new message to this topic
