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Discourse on a BDSM theme
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As suggested here
https://www.fabswingers.com/forum/swingers/100763
A thread for considered and thought provoking discussion on matters BDSM
"The terms Dom or Domme and sub are inappropriately overused on the swing scene. Enjoying a power imbalance during sex or gaining sexual arousal from particular "kinks" does not make you a Dom/me or sub"
I agree with this statement and think the terms Top and bottom more appropriate as for me Dom/me signifies a level of control that extends beyond the bedroom, a level in fact that requires some form of relationship to exist between D and s. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Agreed...to many seem to bandy the title about ...where as a Dominant / submissive relationship is more than just one person ‘bossing’ another....the same can be said of those that call themselves a ‘Master’ or ‘Mistress’...just because they own a pair of handcuffs....
Then again...as much as it pains me to say this, who am I to judge...if someone wants to label them a submissive , Master or a chocolate teapot who am I to judge? As long as I am comfortable in who I am, surely that’s all that matters....and anyway...most ‘fakes’ get found out pretty quickly in real life. |
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I used to have i was dominant on my profile until i realised most guys idea of dominant was the porn version that existed to pleasure a man.
Changed it to lady pleaser instead, that works better for me. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
An interesting thought - and I think to an extent it's a very individualistic thing that is defined by each of us and the way we see a D/s dynamic for ourselves.
I'm a firm believer in there not being a definitive "right" way to BDSM, other than the way agreed between two (or more individuals) from a position of knowledge and being sufficiently informed to define "their" way - that said there are many who don't possess a sufficient level of knowledge and end up in a "wrong" way scenario which is abusive and dangerous - so think it's important to distinguish between the two sides.
There is of course a third aspect which is "kink play" where neither person is particularly dominant over the other but enjoy some of the physical elements of a D/s encounter without either being Dom/me or sub, Top or bottom.
Agree though that a D/s scenario would suggest a relationship on some level but that relationship may also be an ongoing thing or just a temporary encounter for a fixed period of time.
Again though it comes down to individually defined dynamics ultimately |
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I have been in the BDSM scene for in excess of 20 years and largely got disillusioned since the 50 shades it’s trendy to be kinky phenomena, I have found the physiology of the dynamic fascinating for a long time especially how it applies to Jung/Myers-Briggs personality types.
I’m not a Master I don’t need a doormat slave to instruct what to wear, eat or do, I have never been comfortable with Dom as yes I have a naturally dominant personality, but I am secure in my skin and don’t have to prove anything and prefer someone who is my intellectual equal to play with, however I will take control when I need to and in a sexual way. My preferred accurate description of myself is as a Sadistic Sensual Top, but I guess to the wider vanilla world that equals Dom and we are back to the start! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have been in the BDSM scene for in excess of 20 years and largely got disillusioned since the 50 shades it’s trendy to be kinky phenomena, I have found the physiology of the dynamic fascinating for a long time especially how it applies to Jung/Myers-Briggs personality types.
I’m not a Master I don’t need a doormat slave to instruct what to wear, eat or do, I have never been comfortable with Dom as yes I have a naturally dominant personality, but I am secure in my skin and don’t have to prove anything and prefer someone who is my intellectual equal to play with, however I will take control when I need to and in a sexual way. My preferred accurate description of myself is as a Sadistic Sensual Top, but I guess to the wider vanilla world that equals Dom and we are back to the start! "
Like yourself i have been in the fetish / kink scene over 20 years , dating back to somewhere around the mid 80s
My first ever club was Der Peutch in Balham long before the internet when one had to actively seek out such gatherings usually from places such as Kensington market or Soho , picking up flyers as one went along . Of course this took effort a wanting to attend . Police raids where alwsys a possibility ( a time of pre the spanner case ) We were all under threat . Perhaps attendees were more genuine then , who knows .
One thing we all wanted then was to accepted more and more . To be more open , to cease the hiding .. The dream, that the whole wide world would embrace kink fetish and SM , no longer to be persecuted or feel a need to hide .
In many ways that has indeed come to pass . The internet has brought about a much more sexually liberated audience , more than 50 shades ever did . The only problem with the internet is it relies on labels and rules during dialogue . And once something has been discussed to death something else needed to be introduced , labeled , and a box ticked .. A comformatism to a certain set of rules , which are somehow now " law " to any that have a slight bent towards irregular sexual practices .. This is at odds with the almost post punk ethos of the 80s . Do what you want be who you are ! And remember most importantly , kink fetish , BDSM what ever you want to label it . Its just a great way to get your rocks off , thats all it was meant to be .. Now yes , lets go back to the start , shall we ? |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
Excellent post Ruthruby - sums it up pretty well - while it's great that the internet has opened up and to an extent "normalised" BDSM to so many (me included) the downside is it opens it up to elements that don't take the time to properly understand it, or themselves enough and that can be a dangerous thing.
Then of course you have those who insist there is a "right way" to it and that is the only way to it - when there really isn't a definitive way other than that agreed between two (or more) informed and knowledgeable people who are both consenting and respectful of each other. |
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"I have been in the BDSM scene for in excess of 20 years and largely got disillusioned since the 50 shades it’s trendy to be kinky phenomena, I have found the physiology of the dynamic fascinating for a long time especially how it applies to Jung/Myers-Briggs personality types.
I’m not a Master I don’t need a doormat slave to instruct what to wear, eat or do, I have never been comfortable with Dom as yes I have a naturally dominant personality, but I am secure in my skin and don’t have to prove anything and prefer someone who is my intellectual equal to play with, however I will take control when I need to and in a sexual way. My preferred accurate description of myself is as a Sadistic Sensual Top, but I guess to the wider vanilla world that equals Dom and we are back to the start!
Like yourself i have been in the fetish / kink scene over 20 years , dating back to somewhere around the mid 80s
My first ever club was Der Peutch in Balham long before the internet when one had to actively seek out such gatherings usually from places such as Kensington market or Soho , picking up flyers as one went along . Of course this took effort a wanting to attend . Police raids where alwsys a possibility ( a time of pre the spanner case ) We were all under threat . Perhaps attendees were more genuine then , who knows .
One thing we all wanted then was to accepted more and more . To be more open , to cease the hiding .. The dream, that the whole wide world would embrace kink fetish and SM , no longer to be persecuted or feel a need to hide .
In many ways that has indeed come to pass . The internet has brought about a much more sexually liberated audience , more than 50 shades ever did . The only problem with the internet is it relies on labels and rules during dialogue . And once something has been discussed to death something else needed to be introduced , labeled , and a box ticked .. A comformatism to a certain set of rules , which are somehow now " law " to any that have a slight bent towards irregular sexual practices .. This is at odds with the almost post punk ethos of the 80s . Do what you want be who you are ! And remember most importantly , kink fetish , BDSM what ever you want to label it . Its just a great way to get your rocks off , thats all it was meant to be .. Now yes , lets go back to the start , shall we ? "
What a revelation it was with the internet and what was the much missed on my part IC a really good supportive on line community.
A number of things made me grumpy, favourite clubs closing, and the change in attitudes at various Munches where I was a regular, suddenly filled by people with no idea and little willingness to show deference to the scenes etiquette, coming from the times of police raids and people being outed as kinked it made me feel very uncomfortable with so many camera phones around.
Plenty of fun people around though so lots of opportunity to still have some fun!
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"What a revelation it was with the internet and what was the much missed on my part IC a really good supportive on line community.
"
Ah IC what a wonderful and insightful site that was back in the day - helped me come to terms with my early toe dipping into BDSM no end and provided the foundations of the knowledge of the subject that I now have - spent many a night whiling away in the chat room there...happy and fond memories indeed  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
h
"Excellent post Ruthruby - sums it up pretty well - while it's great that the internet has opened up and to an extent "normalised" BDSM to so many (me included) the downside is it opens it up to elements that don't take the time to properly understand it, or themselves enough and that can be a dangerous thing.
Then of course you have those who insist there is a "right way" to it and that is the only way to it - when there really isn't a definitive way other than that agreed between two (or more) informed and knowledgeable people who are both consenting and respectful of each other. "
Thank you .
I agree there is always a downside to any progressive movement .My own partner writes on the other site how she was shamed for what and whom she is sexually . It is her own courage that has brought her to a place where she feels she can belong . A sexual sadist she may be , a monster she is not .Whatever sent her along that path is her story , a story which we all have a version to tell .
We will always be subject to scrutiny for what it is we do . For those of us whom have lived / living it we can only offer advice to those that seek it . We cannot be responsible for the actions of others .
Ive read other posts of yours in the past . I believe you have the wellbeing off others at heart . And i thank you for that also |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Following with great interest.
It's *so* BORING When a man comes charging into my inbox with commands such as bEnD oVeR anD lEt mE lIcK yOuR pUsSy or makes a tokenistic mention of rope... And then throws a tantrum when I get uncomfortable.
I still don't know how into BDSM I am, if at all, but like to consider myself kinky on some small level. Whatever I am, I hope I would respect any dynamics others have and learn when told off for making mistakes.
A lot of those wannabe doms I mention in my first paragraph rely on hackneyed gender stereotypes that All Women Are Subservient while The Man Is In Charge, which is uber gross to me.
Having a stranger ask to serve me or be a slave in the guise of "keeping me happy" is also a bit weird. Someone mentioned relationships to be prerequisite to BDSM dynamics as I would have to agree. I think if I were a Dom, I'd worry about running out of things to tell a slave to do and I hate the thought of anyone losing autonomy.
Someone else mentioned a concise label of - I think - Sensual xxx Top - How did you found out more about this?
The Straights and The Vanillas have come to co-opt kink and BDSM - And I'm including myself here! - and that's what the internet has quite possibly done. I wouldn't know though as I probably wasn't even born when that party in Balham was talked about and only really became aware of kink about 3-4 years ago. I can't imagine police raids happening nowadays but it's still something I fear. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
The thing is LY, BDSM is a great big spectrum that, as I said above, doesn't have to be defined other than by yourself for yourself - you can be "into" it as much or as little as you like - for some BDSM will be a little bit of added kink to their "normal" sex life, for others it will be an all encompassing 24/7 experience that can be quite extreme.
The key is finding your "you" and where you sit on that spectrum, if at all, and then finding others that match it and depending how much you decide you are "into" it making sure you are sufficiently informed to be able to consent.
There will always be those who think it is simply a case of picking up a crop and telling someone/being told what to do but with sufficient personal knowledge of both yourself and your level of interest they are easily avoided |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The thing is LY, BDSM is a great big spectrum that, as I said above, doesn't have to be defined other than by yourself for yourself - you can be "into" it as much or as little as you like - for some BDSM will be a little bit of added kink to their "normal" sex life, for others it will be an all encompassing 24/7 experience that can be quite extreme.
The key is finding your "you" and where you sit on that spectrum, if at all, and then finding others that match it and depending how much you decide you are "into" it making sure you are sufficiently informed to be able to consent.
There will always be those who think it is simply a case of picking up a crop and telling someone/being told what to do but with sufficient personal knowledge of both yourself and your level of interest they are easily avoided "
This is really validating and useful, thank you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Really interesting read! I always refer to myself as submissive (adj.) as opposed to A submissive as I feel like that draws that line quite well for me, that I’m not heavily involved in the BDSM scene, and might be a little ‘50 shades’ to some people! But it’s also an eagerness to explore more with the right person, not necessarily a ‘Dom/me’ but someone dominant.
I think like some others have said, the beauty in real kink is being able to express yourself and having the freedom to play however best fits for you, and describing it in terms that work for you, not a one size fits all mentality! |
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"What a revelation it was with the internet and what was the much missed on my part IC a really good supportive on line community.
Ah IC what a wonderful and insightful site that was back in the day - helped me come to terms with my early toe dipping into BDSM no end and provided the foundations of the knowledge of the subject that I now have - spent many a night whiling away in the chat room there...happy and fond memories indeed "
It’s never been replaced and it’s American based FL replacement is very user friendly and doesn’t have a fraction of the nurturing community sprit, I haven’t been to a munch in about 6 years now and other than the odd birthday and BBB I have hardly been out on the scene. |
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"As suggested here
https://www.fabswingers.com/forum/swingers/100763
A thread for considered and thought provoking discussion on matters BDSM
"The terms Dom or Domme and sub are inappropriately overused on the swing scene. Enjoying a power imbalance during sex or gaining sexual arousal from particular "kinks" does not make you a Dom/me or sub"
I agree with this statement and think the terms Top and bottom more appropriate as for me Dom/me signifies a level of control that extends beyond the bedroom, a level in fact that requires some form of relationship to exist between D and s."
Is it just me or has that forum thread been removed from public view? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Great topic for discussion and some nice comments. You are correct that, D/s dynamic is something outside of sex. But it doesn't have to be a relationship per se. I used to meet a domme. We have had our domination sessions in fetish parties and in dungeons. We never had sex. But outside the sessions, we communicate just like any two friends would. I don't call her mistress. All domination and obedience are limited to our sessions.
There are plenty of people who confuse top/bottom relationship with D/s relationship. So it is important to have an open discussion and be clear on what they are expecting from each other before placing a meet. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As suggested here
https://www.fabswingers.com/forum/swingers/100763
A thread for considered and thought provoking discussion on matters BDSM
Is it just me or has that forum thread been removed from public view?"
Not just you I don't think |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"As suggested here
https://www.fabswingers.com/forum/swingers/100763
A thread for considered and thought provoking discussion on matters BDSM
Is it just me or has that forum thread been removed from public view?
Not just you I don't think"
No it's still there:
https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/swingers/1007639#last |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I (him) have been kinky for getting on for 30 years and I have always found the 'scene' as it were not to be to my liking. I've never been one for dressing up or having incredibly formal rules etc. so it's probably just that I'm not really suited to the scene rather than the other way around.
I do however find power dynamics absolutely fascinating. It has always been my tendency to be fluid in my side of the fence depending on how the other person makes me feel. I have submissive triggers that will get me there 90% of the time but I find nothing more hilarious than someone calling themselves Master or Mistress and expecting people to treat them in that manner.
All the whips and chains are lovely and everything but essentially they are all about topping, the real fun goes on in the mind. It can be fun to whip, or be whipped but I suppose I'm more D/s than BDSM. It shouldn't need a pair and handcuffs and a cat o nine to make someone feel submissive, and if it does then someone is doing it wrong. |
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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago
Up on them there hills |
"I (him) have been kinky for getting on for 30 years and I have always found the 'scene' as it were not to be to my liking. I've never been one for dressing up or having incredibly formal rules etc. so it's probably just that I'm not really suited to the scene rather than the other way around.
I do however find power dynamics absolutely fascinating. It has always been my tendency to be fluid in my side of the fence depending on how the other person makes me feel. I have submissive triggers that will get me there 90% of the time but I find nothing more hilarious than someone calling themselves Master or Mistress and expecting people to treat them in that manner.
All the whips and chains are lovely and everything but essentially they are all about topping, the real fun goes on in the mind. It can be fun to whip, or be whipped but I suppose I'm more D/s than BDSM. It shouldn't need a pair and handcuffs and a cat o nine to make someone feel submissive, and if it does then someone is doing it wrong. "
Disagree slightly.
From my perspective one of the (many) jobs of an assertive person is to create sexual subspace.
One of the simplest and easiest ways to remove domestic cognitive thoughts is to sexually overload the senses.
If you use fractionation of mind, sensual and more intense physical play, moving between the sensual and physical, creating a bigger gap between the two then subspace quickly engages.
Well, works on my world.
To me, D/s play is so layered and multifaceted there is no single right way.
Plenty of wrong ways and porn B/d generalises the dynamic in such a bad way, to me it is just a glorified form of B/d play. |
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"As suggested here
https://www.fabswingers.com/forum/swingers/100763
A thread for considered and thought provoking discussion on matters BDSM
Is it just me or has that forum thread been removed from public view?
Not just you I don't think
No it's still there:
https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/swingers/1007639#last"
It's strange as it said I didn't have permission to view it. |
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"I (him) have been kinky for getting on for 30 years and I have always found the 'scene' as it were not to be to my liking. I've never been one for dressing up or having incredibly formal rules etc. so it's probably just that I'm not really suited to the scene rather than the other way around.
I do however find power dynamics absolutely fascinating. It has always been my tendency to be fluid in my side of the fence depending on how the other person makes me feel. I have submissive triggers that will get me there 90% of the time but I find nothing more hilarious than someone calling themselves Master or Mistress and expecting people to treat them in that manner.
All the whips and chains are lovely and everything but essentially they are all about topping, the real fun goes on in the mind. It can be fun to whip, or be whipped but I suppose I'm more D/s than BDSM. It shouldn't need a pair and handcuffs and a cat o nine to make someone feel submissive, and if it does then someone is doing it wrong.
Disagree slightly.
From my perspective one of the (many) jobs of an assertive person is to create sexual subspace.
One of the simplest and easiest ways to remove domestic cognitive thoughts is to sexually overload the senses.
If you use fractionation of mind, sensual and more intense physical play, moving between the sensual and physical, creating a bigger gap between the two then subspace quickly engages.
Well, works on my world.
To me, D/s play is so layered and multifaceted there is no single right way.
Plenty of wrong ways and porn B/d generalises the dynamic in such a bad way, to me it is just a glorified form of B/d play."
I have to agree that a good dynamic requires no props to achieve, the spoken word and actions should be enough. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I (him) have been kinky for getting on for 30 years and I have always found the 'scene' as it were not to be to my liking. I've never been one for dressing up or having incredibly formal rules etc. so it's probably just that I'm not really suited to the scene rather than the other way around.
I do however find power dynamics absolutely fascinating. It has always been my tendency to be fluid in my side of the fence depending on how the other person makes me feel. I have submissive triggers that will get me there 90% of the time but I find nothing more hilarious than someone calling themselves Master or Mistress and expecting people to treat them in that manner.
All the whips and chains are lovely and everything but essentially they are all about topping, the real fun goes on in the mind. It can be fun to whip, or be whipped but I suppose I'm more D/s than BDSM. It shouldn't need a pair and handcuffs and a cat o nine to make someone feel submissive, and if it does then someone is doing it wrong.
Disagree slightly.
From my perspective one of the (many) jobs of an assertive person is to create sexual subspace.
One of the simplest and easiest ways to remove domestic cognitive thoughts is to sexually overload the senses.
If you use fractionation of mind, sensual and more intense physical play, moving between the sensual and physical, creating a bigger gap between the two then subspace quickly engages.
Well, works on my world.
To me, D/s play is so layered and multifaceted there is no single right way.
Plenty of wrong ways and porn B/d generalises the dynamic in such a bad way, to me it is just a glorified form of B/d play."
I see where you are coming from and in a sense so long as there is a consensual power exchange and everyone walks away happy then you are doing it right. However what I probably wasn't too clear on is my view that the restraints, the pain, the whips and the fancy latex suits are all merely tools to help what is going on in the brain.
You could tie me up and call me all the names under the sun but if I'm not feeling submissive mentally then no amount of pain or restraint is going to change that. All the accessories can do is take me deeper, they can't get me there in the first place. |
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"I (him) have been kinky for getting on for 30 years and I have always found the 'scene' as it were not to be to my liking. I've never been one for dressing up or having incredibly formal rules etc. so it's probably just that I'm not really suited to the scene rather than the other way around.
I do however find power dynamics absolutely fascinating. It has always been my tendency to be fluid in my side of the fence depending on how the other person makes me feel. I have submissive triggers that will get me there 90% of the time but I find nothing more hilarious than someone calling themselves Master or Mistress and expecting people to treat them in that manner.
All the whips and chains are lovely and everything but essentially they are all about topping, the real fun goes on in the mind. It can be fun to whip, or be whipped but I suppose I'm more D/s than BDSM. It shouldn't need a pair and handcuffs and a cat o nine to make someone feel submissive, and if it does then someone is doing it wrong.
Disagree slightly.
From my perspective one of the (many) jobs of an assertive person is to create sexual subspace.
One of the simplest and easiest ways to remove domestic cognitive thoughts is to sexually overload the senses.
If you use fractionation of mind, sensual and more intense physical play, moving between the sensual and physical, creating a bigger gap between the two then subspace quickly engages.
Well, works on my world.
To me, D/s play is so layered and multifaceted there is no single right way.
Plenty of wrong ways and porn B/d generalises the dynamic in such a bad way, to me it is just a glorified form of B/d play.
I see where you are coming from and in a sense so long as there is a consensual power exchange and everyone walks away happy then you are doing it right. However what I probably wasn't too clear on is my view that the restraints, the pain, the whips and the fancy latex suits are all merely tools to help what is going on in the brain.
You could tie me up and call me all the names under the sun but if I'm not feeling submissive mentally then no amount of pain or restraint is going to change that. All the accessories can do is take me deeper, they can't get me there in the first place."
Spot on  |
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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago
Up on them there hills |
"I (him) have been kinky for getting on for 30 years and I have always found the 'scene' as it were not to be to my liking. I've never been one for dressing up or having incredibly formal rules etc. so it's probably just that I'm not really suited to the scene rather than the other way around.
I do however find power dynamics absolutely fascinating. It has always been my tendency to be fluid in my side of the fence depending on how the other person makes me feel. I have submissive triggers that will get me there 90% of the time but I find nothing more hilarious than someone calling themselves Master or Mistress and expecting people to treat them in that manner.
All the whips and chains are lovely and everything but essentially they are all about topping, the real fun goes on in the mind. It can be fun to whip, or be whipped but I suppose I'm more D/s than BDSM. It shouldn't need a pair and handcuffs and a cat o nine to make someone feel submissive, and if it does then someone is doing it wrong.
Disagree slightly.
From my perspective one of the (many) jobs of an assertive person is to create sexual subspace.
One of the simplest and easiest ways to remove domestic cognitive thoughts is to sexually overload the senses.
If you use fractionation of mind, sensual and more intense physical play, moving between the sensual and physical, creating a bigger gap between the two then subspace quickly engages.
Well, works on my world.
To me, D/s play is so layered and multifaceted there is no single right way.
Plenty of wrong ways and porn B/d generalises the dynamic in such a bad way, to me it is just a glorified form of B/d play.
I see where you are coming from and in a sense so long as there is a consensual power exchange and everyone walks away happy then you are doing it right. However what I probably wasn't too clear on is my view that the restraints, the pain, the whips and the fancy latex suits are all merely tools to help what is going on in the brain.
You could tie me up and call me all the names under the sun but if I'm not feeling submissive mentally then no amount of pain or restraint is going to change that. All the accessories can do is take me deeper, they can't get me there in the first place.
Spot on "
Did say “one”.
I couldn’t be, or wouldn’t assertive if I didn’t feel it.
Don’t sense how that effects the D/s dynamic, that is just domestic. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I (him) have been kinky for getting on for 30 years and I have always found the 'scene' as it were not to be to my liking. I've never been one for dressing up or having incredibly formal rules etc. so it's probably just that I'm not really suited to the scene rather than the other way around.
I do however find power dynamics absolutely fascinating. It has always been my tendency to be fluid in my side of the fence depending on how the other person makes me feel. I have submissive triggers that will get me there 90% of the time but I find nothing more hilarious than someone calling themselves Master or Mistress and expecting people to treat them in that manner.
All the whips and chains are lovely and everything but essentially they are all about topping, the real fun goes on in the mind. It can be fun to whip, or be whipped but I suppose I'm more D/s than BDSM. It shouldn't need a pair and handcuffs and a cat o nine to make someone feel submissive, and if it does then someone is doing it wrong.
Disagree slightly.
From my perspective one of the (many) jobs of an assertive person is to create sexual subspace.
One of the simplest and easiest ways to remove domestic cognitive thoughts is to sexually overload the senses.
If you use fractionation of mind, sensual and more intense physical play, moving between the sensual and physical, creating a bigger gap between the two then subspace quickly engages.
Well, works on my world.
To me, D/s play is so layered and multifaceted there is no single right way.
Plenty of wrong ways and porn B/d generalises the dynamic in such a bad way, to me it is just a glorified form of B/d play.
I see where you are coming from and in a sense so long as there is a consensual power exchange and everyone walks away happy then you are doing it right. However what I probably wasn't too clear on is my view that the restraints, the pain, the whips and the fancy latex suits are all merely tools to help what is going on in the brain.
You could tie me up and call me all the names under the sun but if I'm not feeling submissive mentally then no amount of pain or restraint is going to change that. All the accessories can do is take me deeper, they can't get me there in the first place.
Spot on
Did say “one”.
I couldn’t be, or wouldn’t assertive if I didn’t feel it.
Don’t sense how that effects the D/s dynamic, that is just domestic."
I didn't mean it as a criticism at all I was trying to put my point across. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"You could tie me up and call me all the names under the sun but if I'm not feeling submissive mentally then no amount of pain or restraint is going to change that. All the accessories can do is take me deeper, they can't get me there in the first place."
Can relate to this so much - whilst I consider myself fairly knowledgeable and able to add to threads like this from a theoretical perspective, my practical experience is somewhat limited - part of the reason for that is that need to "feel" submissive to a dominant, and that's not something I can switch on and off like a tap - in fact I can count on one hand the number of people I have ever felt that way with. |
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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago
Up on them there hills |
"I (him) have been kinky for getting on for 30 years and I have always found the 'scene' as it were not to be to my liking. I've never been one for dressing up or having incredibly formal rules etc. so it's probably just that I'm not really suited to the scene rather than the other way around.
I do however find power dynamics absolutely fascinating. It has always been my tendency to be fluid in my side of the fence depending on how the other person makes me feel. I have submissive triggers that will get me there 90% of the time but I find nothing more hilarious than someone calling themselves Master or Mistress and expecting people to treat them in that manner.
All the whips and chains are lovely and everything but essentially they are all about topping, the real fun goes on in the mind. It can be fun to whip, or be whipped but I suppose I'm more D/s than BDSM. It shouldn't need a pair and handcuffs and a cat o nine to make someone feel submissive, and if it does then someone is doing it wrong.
Disagree slightly.
From my perspective one of the (many) jobs of an assertive person is to create sexual subspace.
One of the simplest and easiest ways to remove domestic cognitive thoughts is to sexually overload the senses.
If you use fractionation of mind, sensual and more intense physical play, moving between the sensual and physical, creating a bigger gap between the two then subspace quickly engages.
Well, works on my world.
To me, D/s play is so layered and multifaceted there is no single right way.
Plenty of wrong ways and porn B/d generalises the dynamic in such a bad way, to me it is just a glorified form of B/d play.
I see where you are coming from and in a sense so long as there is a consensual power exchange and everyone walks away happy then you are doing it right. However what I probably wasn't too clear on is my view that the restraints, the pain, the whips and the fancy latex suits are all merely tools to help what is going on in the brain.
You could tie me up and call me all the names under the sun but if I'm not feeling submissive mentally then no amount of pain or restraint is going to change that. All the accessories can do is take me deeper, they can't get me there in the first place.
Spot on
Did say “one”.
I couldn’t be, or wouldn’t assertive if I didn’t feel it.
Don’t sense how that effects the D/s dynamic, that is just domestic.
I didn't mean it as a criticism at all I was trying to put my point across."
Didn’t see it asa criticism. |
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To comments on a similar theme that made me wonder
"
I do however find power dynamics absolutely fascinating. It has always been my tendency to be fluid in my side of the fence depending on how the other person makes me feel. I have submissive triggers that will get me there 90% of the time but I find nothing more hilarious than someone calling themselves Master or Mistress and expecting people to treat them in that manner.
All the whips and chains are lovely and everything but essentially they are all about topping, the real fun goes on in the mind. It can be fun to whip, or be whipped but I suppose I'm more D/s than BDSM. It shouldn't need a pair and handcuffs and a cat o nine to make someone feel submissive, and if it does then someone is doing it wrong. "
and
"
I see where you are coming from and in a sense so long as there is a consensual power exchange and everyone walks away happy then you are doing it right. However what I probably wasn't too clear on is my view that the restraints, the pain, the whips and the fancy latex suits are all merely tools to help what is going on in the brain.
You could tie me up and call me all the names under the sun but if I'm not feeling submissive mentally then no amount of pain or restraint is going to change that. All the accessories can do is take me deeper, they can't get me there in the first place."
What triggers those feelings of a desire to dominate or submit to another in you? Is it physical or behavioral triggers being tripped? They look or act in a certain way. I have found that those with little or no experience have these triggers set by porn or media memes where as more experienced people have used experience and self analysis to distill a set of criteria that can often be specific or plain eclectic. Both of these poles can make it hard to gain apparent fit. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"What triggers those feelings of a desire to dominate or submit to another in you? Is it physical or behavioral triggers being tripped? They look or act in a certain way. I have found that those with little or no experience have these triggers set by porn or media memes where as more experienced people have used experience and self analysis to distill a set of criteria that can often be specific or plain eclectic. Both of these poles can make it hard to gain apparent fit."
A great question and one that is difficult to explain in words as for me it is very much an innate "sense" of feeling naturally submissive to someone - it usually comes from talking to someone over a period of time and the dynamic evolving into a natural position as opposed to it being something you can necessarily "look" for in a physical sense.
Going back to my earlier point that "sense" has happened for me on a handful of occasions and whilst in some instances I have known the person to be dominant beforehand, it's only been after talking to them that I "feel" their dominance.
I'm a believer that as a male submissive anyway, that you can't necessarily search for a Domme (putting aside professional Dommes for a second) more you find each other naturally - female submissives of course have a wealth of choice, but with that comes the inherent dangers of finding the "wrong" kind of Dom but that's another topic entirely. |
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A gentle bump
My experience is that for me an initial interaction is always really as a top. If there is something more than a mutually enjoyable time spent together, I have been known to phrase it as "I like them" then I want to repeat and extend the experience. If that is mutual, perhaps something begins to build, trust and possibly curiosity about the possibilities ahead. But it is the personality not their appearance etc that drives any desire to engage. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
Agreed personality is the key and all feeds into that "sense" I was referring to - it's the personality that makes me "feel" submissive, just something about the way they are, their demeanour, might be something as simple as a look or a turn of phrase |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"I have been in the BDSM scene for in excess of 20 years and largely got disillusioned since the 50 shades it’s trendy to be kinky phenomena, I have found the physiology of the dynamic fascinating for a long time especially how it applies to Jung/Myers-Briggs personality types.
I’m not a Master I don’t need a doormat slave to instruct what to wear, eat or do, I have never been comfortable with Dom as yes I have a naturally dominant personality, but I am secure in my skin and don’t have to prove anything and prefer someone who is my intellectual equal to play with, however I will take control when I need to and in a sexual way. My preferred accurate description of myself is as a Sadistic Sensual Top, but I guess to the wider vanilla world that equals Dom and we are back to the start! "
Interesting, I’d never even heard the term Dom until someone here told me I was a natural Dom , definitely don't need a doormat or anyone’s mind to control but very comfortable taking control and setting tasks. What’s the MBTI link ? I’m ENTP, she’s ISJF I’m guessing that’s naturally sub? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I have been in the BDSM scene for in excess of 20 years and largely got disillusioned since the 50 shades it’s trendy to be kinky phenomena, I have found the physiology of the dynamic fascinating for a long time especially how it applies to Jung/Myers-Briggs personality types.
I’m not a Master I don’t need a doormat slave to instruct what to wear, eat or do, I have never been comfortable with Dom as yes I have a naturally dominant personality, but I am secure in my skin and don’t have to prove anything and prefer someone who is my intellectual equal to play with, however I will take control when I need to and in a sexual way. My preferred accurate description of myself is as a Sadistic Sensual Top, but I guess to the wider vanilla world that equals Dom and we are back to the start!
Interesting, I’d never even heard the term Dom until someone here told me I was a natural Dom , definitely don't need a doormat or anyone’s mind to control but very comfortable taking control and setting tasks. What’s the MBTI link ? I’m ENTP, she’s ISJF I’m guessing that’s naturally sub?"
So I'm sub.. I'm also ENTJ  |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
"I have been in the BDSM scene for in excess of 20 years and largely got disillusioned since the 50 shades it’s trendy to be kinky phenomena, I have found the physiology of the dynamic fascinating for a long time especially how it applies to Jung/Myers-Briggs personality types.
I’m not a Master I don’t need a doormat slave to instruct what to wear, eat or do, I have never been comfortable with Dom as yes I have a naturally dominant personality, but I am secure in my skin and don’t have to prove anything and prefer someone who is my intellectual equal to play with, however I will take control when I need to and in a sexual way. My preferred accurate description of myself is as a Sadistic Sensual Top, but I guess to the wider vanilla world that equals Dom and we are back to the start!
Interesting, I’d never even heard the term Dom until someone here told me I was a natural Dom , definitely don't need a doormat or anyone’s mind to control but very comfortable taking control and setting tasks. What’s the MBTI link ? I’m ENTP, she’s ISJF I’m guessing that’s naturally sub?
So I'm sub.. I'm also ENTJ "
That figures....you’re one of those really bossy important women that comes home from work and switches |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Agreed personality is the key and all feeds into that "sense" I was referring to - it's the personality that makes me "feel" submissive, just something about the way they are, their demeanour, might be something as simple as a look or a turn of phrase "
Yes... For me also... It is the carefully chosen, deliberately spoken word or sentence, the tone, the intent, their presence .. Mental and physical |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I have been in the BDSM scene for in excess of 20 years and largely got disillusioned since the 50 shades it’s trendy to be kinky phenomena, I have found the physiology of the dynamic fascinating for a long time especially how it applies to Jung/Myers-Briggs personality types.
I’m not a Master I don’t need a doormat slave to instruct what to wear, eat or do, I have never been comfortable with Dom as yes I have a naturally dominant personality, but I am secure in my skin and don’t have to prove anything and prefer someone who is my intellectual equal to play with, however I will take control when I need to and in a sexual way. My preferred accurate description of myself is as a Sadistic Sensual Top, but I guess to the wider vanilla world that equals Dom and we are back to the start!
Interesting, I’d never even heard the term Dom until someone here told me I was a natural Dom , definitely don't need a doormat or anyone’s mind to control but very comfortable taking control and setting tasks. What’s the MBTI link ? I’m ENTP, she’s ISJF I’m guessing that’s naturally sub?
So I'm sub.. I'm also ENTJ
That figures....you’re one of those really bossy important women that comes home from work and switches "
Gosh it doesn't quite work like that x |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"
Interesting, I’d never even heard the term Dom until someone here told me I was a natural Dom , definitely don't need a doormat or anyone’s mind to control but very comfortable taking control and setting tasks. What’s the MBTI link ? I’m ENTP, she’s ISJF I’m guessing that’s naturally sub?
So I'm sub.. I'm also ENTJ
That figures....you’re one of those really bossy important women that comes home from work and switches "
OK I'm intrigued and want to further my knowledge ENTP, ISJG, ENTJ? Guessing some kind of personality indicators? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Interesting, I’d never even heard the term Dom until someone here told me I was a natural Dom , definitely don't need a doormat or anyone’s mind to control but very comfortable taking control and setting tasks. What’s the MBTI link ? I’m ENTP, she’s ISJF I’m guessing that’s naturally sub?
So I'm sub.. I'm also ENTJ
That figures....you’re one of those really bossy important women that comes home from work and switches
OK I'm intrigued and want to further my knowledge ENTP, ISJG, ENTJ? Guessing some kind of personality indicators?"
Yes... Myers Briggs... Lots on Google about them
|
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Agreed personality is the key and all feeds into that "sense" I was referring to - it's the personality that makes me "feel" submissive, just something about the way they are, their demeanour, might be something as simple as a look or a turn of phrase
Yes... For me also... It is the carefully chosen, deliberately spoken word or sentence, the tone, the intent, their presence .. Mental and physical "
Bingo!! All those things and more - it's their presence that makes me "feel" submissive, not how they look or even necessarily how they're dressed (in fact the classic porn Domme latex and leather look doesn't do a great deal for me either way) - it's all in their way and how they approach you and take control effortlessly and without the need to even tell you they are.
I can remember on a packed commuter train many years ago watching a Dom and his sub (and don't ask me how I knew I just "did") just sat on two seats sharing the journey like everyone else in the carriage but the way they "were" with each other was just such a beautiful thing to watch that it's stuck with me even all these years later - and it was all about their demeanour together and the way they interacted |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"
Interesting, I’d never even heard the term Dom until someone here told me I was a natural Dom , definitely don't need a doormat or anyone’s mind to control but very comfortable taking control and setting tasks. What’s the MBTI link ? I’m ENTP, she’s ISJF I’m guessing that’s naturally sub?
So I'm sub.. I'm also ENTJ
That figures....you’re one of those really bossy important women that comes home from work and switches
OK I'm intrigued and want to further my knowledge ENTP, ISJG, ENTJ? Guessing some kind of personality indicators?
Yes... Myers Briggs... Lots on Google about them
"
Thanks will take a look |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Agreed personality is the key and all feeds into that "sense" I was referring to - it's the personality that makes me "feel" submissive, just something about the way they are, their demeanour, might be something as simple as a look or a turn of phrase
Yes... For me also... It is the carefully chosen, deliberately spoken word or sentence, the tone, the intent, their presence .. Mental and physical
Bingo!! All those things and more - it's their presence that makes me "feel" submissive, not how they look or even necessarily how they're dressed (in fact the classic porn Domme latex and leather look doesn't do a great deal for me either way) - it's all in their way and how they approach you and take control effortlessly and without the need to even tell you they are.
I can remember on a packed commuter train many years ago watching a Dom and his sub (and don't ask me how I knew I just "did") just sat on two seats sharing the journey like everyone else in the carriage but the way they "were" with each other was just such a beautiful thing to watch that it's stuck with me even all these years later - and it was all about their demeanour together and the way they interacted "
Its hard to pin isn't it.. My Dom knows me better than i know myself I think 
His every written response to me is direct, purposeful, right.. Impossible to predict... Right for me |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Its hard to pin isn't it.. My Dom knows me better than i know myself I think
His every written response to me is direct, purposeful, right.. Impossible to predict... Right for me"
"Right for me" about sums it up - there's no rhyme or reason to it, it just "is" and you don't know it till you "feel" it, can't search for it particularly - sure there are signs but it's only through ongoing interaction, usually over a period of time, that you find it in each other.
Yes, there are occasions you can find someone who acts dominant or submissive to you and you can experience the physical sensations etc but to truly "feel" submissive to an individual takes more than allowing yourself to be controlled |
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".... just sat on two seats sharing the journey like everyone else in the carriage but the way they "were" with each other was just such a beautiful thing to watch ..... "
And that is why I seek it. That world that the pair of you inhabit, hidden in plain view, as if you are somehow psychically linked and having a conversation that nobody else can hear |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
Can I just say what an interesting and informative thread this is turning out to be - always refreshing to be able to have intelligent conversations on a subject which fascinates me both intellectually and physically.
Makes a refreshing change to some threads like this which have a tendency to descend into negativity and lack of understanding/knowledge and indeed acknowledgement that we all view things different ways |
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"What a revelation it was with the internet and what was the much missed on my part IC a really good supportive on line community.
Ah IC what a wonderful and insightful site that was back in the day - helped me come to terms with my early toe dipping into BDSM no end and provided the foundations of the knowledge of the subject that I now have - spent many a night whiling away in the chat room there...happy and fond memories indeed "
it was a sad loss indeed |
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"..... the much missed on my part IC a really good supportive on line community.
Ah IC what a wonderful and insightful site that was back in the day
..... it was a sad loss indeed "
A casualty of the growth of the internet, a site like that could never scale up. There are some claim that this site has suffered in a similar way |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"..... the much missed on my part IC a really good supportive on line community.
Ah IC what a wonderful and insightful site that was back in the day
..... it was a sad loss indeed
A casualty of the growth of the internet, a site like that could never scale up. There are some claim that this site has suffered in a similar way"
It's a shame as one of the appeals of IC was it was fairly small and had more of a "community" feel to it as a result |
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"..... the much missed on my part IC a really good supportive on line community.
Ah IC what a wonderful and insightful site that was back in the day
..... it was a sad loss indeed
A casualty of the growth of the internet, a site like that could never scale up. There are some claim that this site has suffered in a similar way
It's a shame as one of the appeals of IC was it was fairly small and had more of a "community" feel to it as a result "
Absolutely agree it was a real community feel especially as it was also a driver for a good many of the munches and social meeting, also very welcoming for newbies. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"..... the much missed on my part IC a really good supportive on line community.
Ah IC what a wonderful and insightful site that was back in the day
..... it was a sad loss indeed
A casualty of the growth of the internet, a site like that could never scale up. There are some claim that this site has suffered in a similar way
It's a shame as one of the appeals of IC was it was fairly small and had more of a "community" feel to it as a result
Absolutely agree it was a real community feel especially as it was also a driver for a good many of the munches and social meeting, also very welcoming for newbies. "
Had my first (and only) proper scene with a Domme through IC *sigh*...fond memories indeed |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To comments on a similar theme that made me wonder
I do however find power dynamics absolutely fascinating. It has always been my tendency to be fluid in my side of the fence depending on how the other person makes me feel. I have submissive triggers that will get me there 90% of the time but I find nothing more hilarious than someone calling themselves Master or Mistress and expecting people to treat them in that manner.
All the whips and chains are lovely and everything but essentially they are all about topping, the real fun goes on in the mind. It can be fun to whip, or be whipped but I suppose I'm more D/s than BDSM. It shouldn't need a pair and handcuffs and a cat o nine to make someone feel submissive, and if it does then someone is doing it wrong.
and
I see where you are coming from and in a sense so long as there is a consensual power exchange and everyone walks away happy then you are doing it right. However what I probably wasn't too clear on is my view that the restraints, the pain, the whips and the fancy latex suits are all merely tools to help what is going on in the brain.
You could tie me up and call me all the names under the sun but if I'm not feeling submissive mentally then no amount of pain or restraint is going to change that. All the accessories can do is take me deeper, they can't get me there in the first place.
What triggers those feelings of a desire to dominate or submit to another in you? Is it physical or behavioral triggers being tripped? They look or act in a certain way. I have found that those with little or no experience have these triggers set by porn or media memes where as more experienced people have used experience and self analysis to distill a set of criteria that can often be specific or plain eclectic. Both of these poles can make it hard to gain apparent fit."
Sorry it's taken me a while to get back to this.
I'm quite a laid back person in general but if I see a situation that requires someone to take control and no one is, or someone who I don't think will be any good tries to, then I'll take control. I can be a little like that with D/s too. If there is someone who oozes self confidence and knows what they are doing then I will let them do their thing, if they are good at it, and by it I mean noticing my responses to them an acting on them then that will turn to submission on my part. If not then there will either be a power struggle which in itself can be fun, or I will simply take over.
There's nothing that triggers submissiveness in me (except maybe cuckolding but again it has to be the right person) as such but there are things that will push me over the edge if the other person has sufficient force of personality.
Oh and a big cock and balls  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As always any subject regarding what is an umbrella term of BDSM is interesting . It has of course been somewhat of a quest for many years to find a true and secure place within it . The question of course would i ever find my own holy grail. I have in my time found myself both agreeing and disagreeing with many sides of the discussion of what it ultimately means to me . Ive done much the same through out this discussion . I agree with the lady who mentioned that the dominant should set the subspace . I disagree with the sentiment that whips and chains are mearly props . Fetishism is large part of whom we are . I agree that consent and understanding of what constent is paramount . I disagree that porn has any real influence over desire . A mixed outlook perhaps
Where i am not mixed is my core reason in the pursuit of that so called Holy Grail .. and that reason is sexual indulgence . Primal activity . Not so often discussed in discussions such as these , some it would seem have a fear of it , i myself have some fear as does my partner , my girlfriend , my lover , my Dominatrix .
What is primal you may ask , and with much in this world of so called kink it can of course be multifaceted . In an earlier post here i prescribed in particular to " Gemmini man " that we should return to the start . So lets do that for a moment shall we .. " De Sade "
" De Sade " is far too complex a charector to write about fully here , some may know of him some may not . If you dont know please goggle and form your own opinion . Its not for me to say what type of man he was . He wrote erotic fiction and non fiction ( debated ) Based around his own sexual sadistic tendencies . For these writings he was inincarcerated many times and also for gross private misconduct , his name became lending itself to the term sadism . The question of which there is no real answer is what was his greatest of crimes ? The fact that he commited such acts , or that he wrote about them with such passion and gusto , the establishment felt uneasy ? Perhaps he cut to close to the bone .
What has " De sade " got to do with me ? . My partner , my girlfriend , my lover , my Dominatrix is a sexual sadist . Primal , hearing me scream , makes her wet . She achieves sexual fulfilment from my discomfort.
Am i safe ? of course i am , can i feel her passion afterwards ? Sometimes up to a week and beyond i can feel her Dominance and relieve it in my mind over and over . So whilst she has no want to manage my life in the way that others see dominance after or between the event . Does this make us any less a D/s couple .
Why do i even mention this side ? .. I do so because i feel at times that during discussion on the subject that is BDSM , we can lose sight of the very thing that brought us to this place . And mine was , i used to masturbate about it constantly .. luckily for me i found out it wasent just a male fantasy based on pornagraffic imagery .. My partner my girlfriend , my lover , my Dominatrix , used to masturbate about it to ... We still do
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
As ever an interesting and insightful post Ruthruby and thank you - that returning to the start and examining what brings us to where we are is thought provoking for sure and definitely key - likewise examining why we enjoy what we enjoy - I'm not sure there are always clear answers either or indeed any need for clear answers, more an acceptance - for me BDSM was always the kind of titillating thing you read about in the Sunday papers, the kind where the journalists "made their excuses and left" and so for a long time I had the stereotyped "whips and chains and 'dirty little worm'" view of it, but at the same time I also knew that sexually I was "different" somehow - just didn't know how - this was all in the days before the internet when BDSM was very much under the table and not something you talked about unless you were introduced to it somehow.
Then with the dawning of the internet I had a chance conversation with someone I had got to know on-line, someone I now know to be a submissive, and she talked to me about BDSM, and the more she talked, the more lightbulbs went off in my head and I started to form the jigsaw into a picture that explained so much and finally I started to awaken my sexuality and accept it for what it was - it's not all encompassing for me, but it's a part of who I am and what makes me not only the sexual person I am, but the person I am. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A short while ago i encountered via the internet and followed to a certain extent ,a Husband and wife Dominatrix / submissive couple , whom as an experiment quit there jobs so they could live stream their daily lives in their dynamic . It was of course pay for view and interactive to a degree . Nothing was censored all was laid bare . Unfortunatly the project failed , the revenue they hoped for did not materialise , both returning to full time employment . One of the most endearing moments was one one occasion she was asked by a viewer via email
Why she used so many binds to secure her husband ? She replied simply that she did not want him to hurt himself if he struggled whilst she inflicted pain on him
Is that not the sweetest thing you have ever heard !
She loved him so much she tied him tighter .. Both my partner and i get that sentiment entirely ..
Just thought id share
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"She replied simply that she did not want him to hurt himself if he struggled whilst she inflicted pain on him
Is that not the sweetest thing you have ever heard !
She loved him so much she tied him tighter .. Both my partner and i get that sentiment entirely ..
Just thought id share
"
The kind of thoughts that people who get it appreciate.
I was chatting to a young lady the other day and commented on aftercare, apparently I was the first man or I presume woman who had mentioned it yet it is so integral to play. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"She replied simply that she did not want him to hurt himself if he struggled whilst she inflicted pain on him
Is that not the sweetest thing you have ever heard !
She loved him so much she tied him tighter .. Both my partner and i get that sentiment entirely ..
Just thought id share
The kind of thoughts that people who get it appreciate.
I was chatting to a young lady the other day and commented on aftercare, apparently I was the first man or I presume woman who had mentioned it yet it is so integral to play."
Aftercare , so very important .We are a couple , so for life to carryone as normal , we must look after one another .
She always asks immediately after the act if im ok ? To date ive always said yes i am . This i can see in her face brings her relief , a degree of post orgasm guilt subsides away .. She checks me for wounds , asks how my various bits are after the throws of passion , offers words of comfort such as " oh hun that looks sore let me put some cream on it " aftercare works both ways ..
Ive never considered myself a masochist , I do not crave the pain , i submit to her desires . I accept the pain as my submission to her . She knows this , so any quilt she feels i must quickly banish , so it does not linger on in her mind .. Why does she feel quilt if she is a sadist and a Dominatrix some have asked ? Because i tell them , first and foremost she is a woman , a carer , a giver of life .Dominatrixes need to know they are forgiven a smile and a great big hug can go a very long way ... Then sometimes if im really unlucky she will look me in the eye , and tell me straight " Hun we are going again ! " ... hopefully she will leave the gloves on this time , the nails dont rip the flesh so much |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"She replied simply that she did not want him to hurt himself if he struggled whilst she inflicted pain on him
Is that not the sweetest thing you have ever heard !
She loved him so much she tied him tighter .. Both my partner and i get that sentiment entirely ..
Just thought id share
The kind of thoughts that people who get it appreciate.
I was chatting to a young lady the other day and commented on aftercare, apparently I was the first man or I presume woman who had mentioned it yet it is so integral to play.
Aftercare , so very important .We are a couple , so for life to carryone as normal , we must look after one another .
She always asks immediately after the act if im ok ? To date ive always said yes i am . This i can see in her face brings her relief , a degree of post orgasm guilt subsides away .. She checks me for wounds , asks how my various bits are after the throws of passion , offers words of comfort such as " oh hun that looks sore let me put some cream on it " aftercare works both ways ..
Ive never considered myself a masochist , I do not crave the pain , i submit to her desires . I accept the pain as my submission to her . She knows this , so any quilt she feels i must quickly banish , so it does not linger on in her mind .. Why does she feel quilt if she is a sadist and a Dominatrix some have asked ? Because i tell them , first and foremost she is a woman , a carer , a giver of life .Dominatrixes need to know they are forgiven a smile and a great big hug can go a very long way ... Then sometimes if im really unlucky she will look me in the eye , and tell me straight " Hun we are going again ! " ... hopefully she will leave the gloves on this time , the nails dont rip the flesh so much "
Your post is such a beautiful read. The kind of relationship everyone in this lifestyle strives to achieve. |
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"
Your post is such a beautiful read. The kind of relationship everyone in this lifestyle strives to achieve."
Sorry but I strongly disagree. Even within the D/s part of BDSM, relationships based on consenting sadomasochism are not common. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Your post is such a beautiful read. The kind of relationship everyone in this lifestyle strives to achieve.
Sorry but I strongly disagree. Even within the D/s part of BDSM, relationships based on consenting sadomasochism are not common."
Strongly disagree ? Not common ? ..They are common amongst in my social circle , and amongst friends who participate in similar sexual practices .. hence the term S and M .. Perhaps your meaning more of boudoir frolics ? .. it would be interesting to see some form of evidence of " not common " a link perhaps ? For further discussion purposes of course , i do have a passion for specifics and information |
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"
Your post is such a beautiful read. The kind of relationship everyone in this lifestyle strives to achieve.
Sorry but I strongly disagree. Even within the D/s part of BDSM, relationships based on consenting sadomasochism are not common."
My view may be distorted but I think you will find this is common in my circle of friends who are active on the BDSM/Fetish scene, some more extreme than others but heavy impact play, medical play and edge play all feature. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"
Your post is such a beautiful read. The kind of relationship everyone in this lifestyle strives to achieve.
Sorry but I strongly disagree. Even within the D/s part of BDSM, relationships based on consenting sadomasochism are not common."
Interesting that you should say that and yet your OP states:
"Dom/me signifies a level of control that extends beyond the bedroom, a level in fact that requires some form of relationship to exist between D and s."
Not disputing your previous statement as I don't move closely enough within BDSM or even D/s circles to know for myself (although I would think D/s is exactly the type of breeding ground for a relationship) - there does however appear to be a contradiction between your suggestion and your OP which may be down to my misunderstanding meaning or intent but would be interested to hear what you see the difference is if so. |
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In my experience, I went to my first munch perhaps 19 or twenty years ago, started my first D/s relationship 17 years ago, primarily Sadomasichistic relationships are not common across the UK BDSM scene.
I do not obviously inhabit the same social circles as you, so my perceptual bubble will be different to yours. However I would point out I was including all those in DD/lg relationships, service or high protocol relationships and a myriad other variations. So I reiterate, I believe that primarily sadomosochistic relationships form only a small part of the panoply of D/s relationships. |
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"
.... heavy impact play, medical play and edge play all feature. "
Indeed as they do in my kink life but I do not class myself as a Sadist or my relationships as sadomasochistic. All the activities you mentioned can be about intensity of sensation, one persons pain is anothers pleasure. Some people would see an intense session of impact play as a reward for good behavior. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
For no other reason than my own inquisitive mind and based on a quick search of BDSM groups on the other site and of only those with the subject in the title and of the largest membership In no particular order. And without prejudice or conclusively absolutely correct
Drum role ............
Sadism and Masochism . 75,819
DD/lg ................ 5,700
Sub men .............. 105,493
Dom men .............. 28, 603
Sub women ............ 153,875
Dom women ............ 6,938
Transvestite.......... 3,000
Breath play .......... 18,217
Cuckhold ............. 9,404
Spanking.............. 63,363
Humiliation .......... 42,197
Ass worship........... 23,722
Anal sadists and sluts 58,409
Oral sex ............. 11,542
As a provisional result then it looks like the Sadists have it if one takes into account spanking as a sado masochistic activity ...
For your perusal and judification |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"For no other reason than my own inquisitive mind and based on a quick search of BDSM groups on the other site and of only those with the subject in the title and of the largest membership In no particular order. And without prejudice or conclusively absolutely correct
Drum role ............
Sadism and Masochism . 75,819
DD/lg ................ 5,700
Sub men .............. 105,493
Dom men .............. 28, 603
Sub women ............ 153,875
Dom women ............ 6,938
Transvestite.......... 3,000
Breath play .......... 18,217
Cuckhold ............. 9,404
Spanking.............. 63,363
Humiliation .......... 42,197
Ass worship........... 23,722
Anal sadists and sluts 58,409
Oral sex ............. 11,542
As a provisional result then it looks like the Sadists have it if one takes into account spanking as a sado masochistic activity ...
For your perusal and judification "
Unless you didn't include a 1 by accident, the subs have by far and away the most votes.
Anyway, for those with physical experience of BBDSM-related kink: When you first started out, did you have someone with more experience guiding you?
I only ask because someone identifying as a sub/slave has messaged me and their profile photo alone clearly dictates they have much more practical experience than I do. |
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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago
Up on them there hills |
"For no other reason than my own inquisitive mind and based on a quick search of BDSM groups on the other site and of only those with the subject in the title and of the largest membership In no particular order. And without prejudice or conclusively absolutely correct
Drum role ............
Sadism and Masochism . 75,819
DD/lg ................ 5,700
Sub men .............. 105,493
Dom men .............. 28, 603
Sub women ............ 153,875
Dom women ............ 6,938
Transvestite.......... 3,000
Breath play .......... 18,217
Cuckhold ............. 9,404
Spanking.............. 63,363
Humiliation .......... 42,197
Ass worship........... 23,722
Anal sadists and sluts 58,409
Oral sex ............. 11,542
As a provisional result then it looks like the Sadists have it if one takes into account spanking as a sado masochistic activity ...
For your perusal and judification
Unless you didn't include a 1 by accident, the subs have by far and away the most votes.
Anyway, for those with physical experience of BBDSM-related kink: When you first started out, did you have someone with more experience guiding you?
I only ask because someone identifying as a sub/slave has messaged me and their profile photo alone clearly dictates they have much more practical experience than I do."
A journey begins with a single step; make sure it’s the right direction.... for you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"For no other reason than my own inquisitive mind and based on a quick search of BDSM groups on the other site and of only those with the subject in the title and of the largest membership In no particular order. And without prejudice or conclusively absolutely correct
Drum role ............
Sadism and Masochism . 75,819
DD/lg ................ 5,700
Sub men .............. 105,493
Dom men .............. 28, 603
Sub women ............ 153,875
Dom women ............ 6,938
Transvestite.......... 3,000
Breath play .......... 18,217
Cuckhold ............. 9,404
Spanking.............. 63,363
Humiliation .......... 42,197
Ass worship........... 23,722
Anal sadists and sluts 58,409
Oral sex ............. 11,542
As a provisional result then it looks like the Sadists have it if one takes into account spanking as a sado masochistic activity ...
For your perusal and judification
Unless you didn't include a 1 by accident, the subs have by far and away the most votes.
Anyway, for those with physical experience of BBDSM-related kink: When you first started out, did you have someone with more experience guiding you?
I only ask because someone identifying as a sub/slave has messaged me and their profile photo alone clearly dictates they have much more practical experience than I do."
I see your reckoning adding the men and women together , and thats fine . I took the sadism and masochism added to half the spankees and the majority of the anal sadists .. just pipping the sub females i believe .
Yes i had lots and lots of guidance from a great number of wonderful people , i even ended up in a book !
As another poster mentioned , take your first steps wisely . If you totter and stumble whilst taking those steps , dont give up , no one walks the walk without a stumble of some kind ... Just keep ones mind focused and open ...There are lots and lots of good people about ..its not nearly as sinister as it may first seem |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"For no other reason than my own inquisitive mind and based on a quick search of BDSM groups on the other site and of only those with the subject in the title and of the largest membership In no particular order. And without prejudice or conclusively absolutely correct
Drum role ............
Sadism and Masochism . 75,819
DD/lg ................ 5,700
Sub men .............. 105,493
Dom men .............. 28, 603
Sub women ............ 153,875
Dom women ............ 6,938
Transvestite.......... 3,000
Breath play .......... 18,217
Cuckhold ............. 9,404
Spanking.............. 63,363
Humiliation .......... 42,197
Ass worship........... 23,722
Anal sadists and sluts 58,409
Oral sex ............. 11,542
As a provisional result then it looks like the Sadists have it if one takes into account spanking as a sado masochistic activity ...
For your perusal and judification
Unless you didn't include a 1 by accident, the subs have by far and away the most votes.
Anyway, for those with physical experience of BBDSM-related kink: When you first started out, did you have someone with more experience guiding you?
I only ask because someone identifying as a sub/slave has messaged me and their profile photo alone clearly dictates they have much more practical experience than I do.
A journey begins with a single step; make sure it’s the right direction.... for you."
But how can I do that? The idea of a *slave* guiding me seems weird.... and like I'll end up being a slave to them over time if I'm not careful. As far as I know, the idea of BDSM in a master-slave domain is that the slave holds the actual power. |
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"For no other reason than my own inquisitive mind and based on a quick search of BDSM groups on the other site and of only those with the subject in the title and of the largest membership In no particular order. And without prejudice or conclusively absolutely correct
Drum role ............
Sadism and Masochism . 75,819
DD/lg ................ 5,700
Sub men .............. 105,493
Dom men .............. 28, 603
Sub women ............ 153,875
Dom women ............ 6,938
Transvestite.......... 3,000
Breath play .......... 18,217
Cuckhold ............. 9,404
Spanking.............. 63,363
Humiliation .......... 42,197
Ass worship........... 23,722
Anal sadists and sluts 58,409
Oral sex ............. 11,542
As a provisional result then it looks like the Sadists have it if one takes into account spanking as a sado masochistic activity ...
For your perusal and judification
Unless you didn't include a 1 by accident, the subs have by far and away the most votes.
Anyway, for those with physical experience of BBDSM-related kink: When you first started out, did you have someone with more experience guiding you?
I only ask because someone identifying as a sub/slave has messaged me and their profile photo alone clearly dictates they have much more practical experience than I do.
A journey begins with a single step; make sure it’s the right direction.... for you.
But how can I do that? The idea of a *slave* guiding me seems weird.... and like I'll end up being a slave to them over time if I'm not careful. As far as I know, the idea of BDSM in a master-slave domain is that the slave holds the actual power."
You're thinking of the "slave" as being a lesser person than you, not an equal.
They can guide you with their experiences. An experienced sub can give a new dom a wealth of guidance but when you think of them as someone beneath you well that's the wrong mindset to be in. Just because a person is submissive doesn't make them any less equal to you. Their desires and wants don't make them less of a teacher. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"For no other reason than my own inquisitive mind and based on a quick search of BDSM groups on the other site and of only those with the subject in the title and of the largest membership In no particular order. And without prejudice or conclusively absolutely correct
Drum role ............
Sadism and Masochism . 75,819
DD/lg ................ 5,700
Sub men .............. 105,493
Dom men .............. 28, 603
Sub women ............ 153,875
Dom women ............ 6,938
Transvestite.......... 3,000
Breath play .......... 18,217
Cuckhold ............. 9,404
Spanking.............. 63,363
Humiliation .......... 42,197
Ass worship........... 23,722
Anal sadists and sluts 58,409
Oral sex ............. 11,542
As a provisional result then it looks like the Sadists have it if one takes into account spanking as a sado masochistic activity ...
For your perusal and judification
Unless you didn't include a 1 by accident, the subs have by far and away the most votes.
Anyway, for those with physical experience of BBDSM-related kink: When you first started out, did you have someone with more experience guiding you?
I only ask because someone identifying as a sub/slave has messaged me and their profile photo alone clearly dictates they have much more practical experience than I do.
A journey begins with a single step; make sure it’s the right direction.... for you.
But how can I do that? The idea of a *slave* guiding me seems weird.... and like I'll end up being a slave to them over time if I'm not careful. As far as I know, the idea of BDSM in a master-slave domain is that the slave holds the actual power.
You're thinking of the "slave" as being a lesser person than you, not an equal.
They can guide you with their experiences. An experienced sub can give a new dom a wealth of guidance but when you think of them as someone beneath you well that's the wrong mindset to be in. Just because a person is submissive doesn't make them any less equal to you. Their desires and wants don't make them less of a teacher. "
There's a world of difference between being a sub and a slave.... I never said anything about thinking they're beneath me. By being slaves, they've decided that's what they want. There's no equality there and they're talking about acts I've never thought and, to my mind, hoping and expecting me to be dominant. This feels extremely unfair. |
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"For no other reason than my own inquisitive mind and based on a quick search of BDSM groups on the other site and of only those with the subject in the title and of the largest membership In no particular order. And without prejudice or conclusively absolutely correct
Drum role ............
Sadism and Masochism . 75,819
DD/lg ................ 5,700
Sub men .............. 105,493
Dom men .............. 28, 603
Sub women ............ 153,875
Dom women ............ 6,938
Transvestite.......... 3,000
Breath play .......... 18,217
Cuckhold ............. 9,404
Spanking.............. 63,363
Humiliation .......... 42,197
Ass worship........... 23,722
Anal sadists and sluts 58,409
Oral sex ............. 11,542
As a provisional result then it looks like the Sadists have it if one takes into account spanking as a sado masochistic activity ...
For your perusal and judification
Unless you didn't include a 1 by accident, the subs have by far and away the most votes.
Anyway, for those with physical experience of BBDSM-related kink: When you first started out, did you have someone with more experience guiding you?
I only ask because someone identifying as a sub/slave has messaged me and their profile photo alone clearly dictates they have much more practical experience than I do.
A journey begins with a single step; make sure it’s the right direction.... for you.
But how can I do that? The idea of a *slave* guiding me seems weird.... and like I'll end up being a slave to them over time if I'm not careful. As far as I know, the idea of BDSM in a master-slave domain is that the slave holds the actual power.
You're thinking of the "slave" as being a lesser person than you, not an equal.
They can guide you with their experiences. An experienced sub can give a new dom a wealth of guidance but when you think of them as someone beneath you well that's the wrong mindset to be in. Just because a person is submissive doesn't make them any less equal to you. Their desires and wants don't make them less of a teacher.
There's a world of difference between being a sub and a slave.... I never said anything about thinking they're beneath me. By being slaves, they've decided that's what they want. There's no equality there and they're talking about acts I've never thought and, to my mind, hoping and expecting me to be dominant. This feels extremely unfair."
Umbrella term sub - subservient, submissive, subjugated
Because a slave wishes to serve and that's what they get off on doesn't make them unequal. As soon as they don't want to they get to stop. Why are you thinking someone who is a slave should be treated in the precise term of it? True slavery is abhorrent and it takes an evil person to force a person into slavery. Removing their humanity and dignity and basic human rights.
Slavery in the world of BDSM is consensual not forced. So I think you need to understand that. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"For no other reason than my own inquisitive mind and based on a quick search of BDSM groups on the other site and of only those with the subject in the title and of the largest membership In no particular order. And without prejudice or conclusively absolutely correct
Drum role ............
Sadism and Masochism . 75,819
DD/lg ................ 5,700
Sub men .............. 105,493
Dom men .............. 28, 603
Sub women ............ 153,875
Dom women ............ 6,938
Transvestite.......... 3,000
Breath play .......... 18,217
Cuckhold ............. 9,404
Spanking.............. 63,363
Humiliation .......... 42,197
Ass worship........... 23,722
Anal sadists and sluts 58,409
Oral sex ............. 11,542
As a provisional result then it looks like the Sadists have it if one takes into account spanking as a sado masochistic activity ...
For your perusal and judification
Unless you didn't include a 1 by accident, the subs have by far and away the most votes.
Anyway, for those with physical experience of BBDSM-related kink: When you first started out, did you have someone with more experience guiding you?
I only ask because someone identifying as a sub/slave has messaged me and their profile photo alone clearly dictates they have much more practical experience than I do.
A journey begins with a single step; make sure it’s the right direction.... for you.
But how can I do that? The idea of a *slave* guiding me seems weird.... and like I'll end up being a slave to them over time if I'm not careful. As far as I know, the idea of BDSM in a master-slave domain is that the slave holds the actual power.
You're thinking of the "slave" as being a lesser person than you, not an equal.
They can guide you with their experiences. An experienced sub can give a new dom a wealth of guidance but when you think of them as someone beneath you well that's the wrong mindset to be in. Just because a person is submissive doesn't make them any less equal to you. Their desires and wants don't make them less of a teacher.
There's a world of difference between being a sub and a slave.... I never said anything about thinking they're beneath me. By being slaves, they've decided that's what they want. There's no equality there and they're talking about acts I've never thought and, to my mind, hoping and expecting me to be dominant. This feels extremely unfair.
Umbrella term sub - subservient, submissive, subjugated
Because a slave wishes to serve and that's what they get off on doesn't make them unequal. As soon as they don't want to they get to stop. Why are you thinking someone who is a slave should be treated in the precise term of it? True slavery is abhorrent and it takes an evil person to force a person into slavery. Removing their humanity and dignity and basic human rights.
Slavery in the world of BDSM is consensual not forced. So I think you need to understand that."
I understand consent is the big thing perfectly fine.... You're completely misunderstanding me. Why are you believing I think less of the person and saying all that?! |
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"
But how can I do that? The idea of a *slave* guiding me seems weird.... and like I'll end up being a slave to them over time if I'm not careful. As far as I know, the idea of BDSM in a master-slave domain is that the slave holds the actual power.
You're thinking of the "slave" as being a lesser person than you, not an equal.
They can guide you with their experiences. An experienced sub can give a new dom a wealth of guidance but when you think of them as someone beneath you well that's the wrong mindset to be in. Just because a person is submissive doesn't make them any less equal to you. Their desires and wants don't make them less of a teacher.
There's a world of difference between being a sub and a slave.... I never said anything about thinking they're beneath me. By being slaves, they've decided that's what they want. There's no equality there and they're talking about acts I've never thought and, to my mind, hoping and expecting me to be dominant. This feels extremely unfair.
Umbrella term sub - subservient, submissive, subjugated
Because a slave wishes to serve and that's what they get off on doesn't make them unequal. As soon as they don't want to they get to stop. Why are you thinking someone who is a slave should be treated in the precise term of it? True slavery is abhorrent and it takes an evil person to force a person into slavery. Removing their humanity and dignity and basic human rights.
Slavery in the world of BDSM is consensual not forced. So I think you need to understand that.
I understand consent is the big thing perfectly fine.... You're completely misunderstanding me. Why are you believing I think less of the person and saying all that?! "
You've said that having a slave guide you is weird, you said what they get off on makes them unequal. What more do you need me to point out you struggle to grasp equality and respect. You think that a role a person enacts makes them unequal. You don't respect that someone who takes on a "lower" role has anything to offer in guidance and knowledge.
What I don't get is why you think a slave asking of you something that they want is unfair. If you don't want to do it and it's out of your boundaries then say so and don't do it. Simple as that. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
But how can I do that? The idea of a *slave* guiding me seems weird.... and like I'll end up being a slave to them over time if I'm not careful. As far as I know, the idea of BDSM in a master-slave domain is that the slave holds the actual power.
You're thinking of the "slave" as being a lesser person than you, not an equal.
They can guide you with their experiences. An experienced sub can give a new dom a wealth of guidance but when you think of them as someone beneath you well that's the wrong mindset to be in. Just because a person is submissive doesn't make them any less equal to you. Their desires and wants don't make them less of a teacher.
There's a world of difference between being a sub and a slave.... I never said anything about thinking they're beneath me. By being slaves, they've decided that's what they want. There's no equality there and they're talking about acts I've never thought and, to my mind, hoping and expecting me to be dominant. This feels extremely unfair.
Umbrella term sub - subservient, submissive, subjugated
Because a slave wishes to serve and that's what they get off on doesn't make them unequal. As soon as they don't want to they get to stop. Why are you thinking someone who is a slave should be treated in the precise term of it? True slavery is abhorrent and it takes an evil person to force a person into slavery. Removing their humanity and dignity and basic human rights.
Slavery in the world of BDSM is consensual not forced. So I think you need to understand that.
I understand consent is the big thing perfectly fine.... You're completely misunderstanding me. Why are you believing I think less of the person and saying all that?!
You've said that having a slave guide you is weird, you said what they get off on makes them unequal. What more do you need me to point out you struggle to grasp equality and respect. You think that a role a person enacts makes them unequal. You don't respect that someone who takes on a "lower" role has anything to offer in guidance and knowledge.
What I don't get is why you think a slave asking of you something that they want is unfair. If you don't want to do it and it's out of your boundaries then say so and don't do it. Simple as that. "
Devils advocate , i agree with you on all the points you raised , respect and equality so forth . I do think i understand the other posters point as well though as i perhaps had a similar situation in the past . I came into a dynamic / relationship with a great deal more experience than she . It affected the dynamic in many ways , in many ways i was more of a coach than her sub , she felt awkward at times and never truly relaxed no matter how many times we talked . I have no doubt the sincerity of her want and need to be a Domme , she just wasent my Domme A purely as she said ," your to strong a character , you know to much . We parted , but im quite sure she went on and fulfilled many of desires , and i hope i was good influence on her journey
This is at odds with my present partner , whom although began our journey with less practical for want of a greater term experiance has so much desire and natural dominance , truthfully the like of which ive never seen in all my years that experiance levels become insignificant ..
Whether or not the other poster can ever feel at ease learning from a sub ? I could only offer , yes you can if you leave your mind open ..and if it dosent work out just politely step aside
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Devils advocate , i agree with you on all the points you raised , respect and equality so forth . I do think i understand the other posters point as well though as i perhaps had a similar situation in the past . I came into a dynamic / relationship with a great deal more experience than she . It affected the dynamic in many ways , in many ways i was more of a coach than her sub , she felt awkward at times and never truly relaxed no matter how many times we talked . I have no doubt the sincerity of her want and need to be a Domme , she just wasent my Domme A purely as she said ," your to strong a character , you know to much . We parted , but im quite sure she went on and fulfilled many of desires , and i hope i was good influence on her journey
This is at odds with my present partner , whom although began our journey with less practical for want of a greater term experiance has so much desire and natural dominance , truthfully the like of which ive never seen in all my years that experiance levels become insignificant ..
Whether or not the other poster can ever feel at ease learning from a sub ? I could only offer , yes you can if you leave your mind open ..and if it dosent work out just politely step aside
"
All good points, as usual, and it is easy to confuse slave and submissive roles - but there is a difference and whichever way you look at it "slave" denotes ownership, which doesn't necessarily have to mean inequality as such but *does* place an even greater emphasis on a dominant to be in control - so can totally LolzordsYawning's concerns.
My advice to you LY, if you are of a mind to explore further, would be to perhaps get a better understanding from the potential "slave" of how they view the role, what their expectations are both of that role, and the role of a dominant in that situation - it may help you understand whether it is a step you want to, or are even ready to take.
Give consideration to perhaps finding a mentor that can guide you, or figuring out slow baby steps you *can* take, read as much as you can on the subject and give some thought to how you see your role as a dominant and more importantly the type of dominant you think you would be - try some of the on-line questionnaires that give a comprehensive list of activities that you mark 1-5 in terms of interest - they're a great way to decide limits and define yourself and the kind of dynamic that interests you.
And never be afraid to ask questions or feel you've said the wrong thing, or be made to feel that way - it's a fascinating and multi-faceted subject that takes a lot of introspection and understanding, as well as guidance to come to terms with |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"....ind to explore further, would be to perhaps get a better understanding from the potential "slave" of how they view the role, what their expectations are both of that role, and the role of a dominant in that situation - it may help you understand whether it is a step you want to, or are even ready to take.
Give consideration to perhaps finding a mentor that can guide you, or figuring out slow baby steps you *can* take, read as much as you can on the subject and give some thought to how you see your role as a dominant and more importantly the type of dominant you think you would be - try some of the on-line questionnaires that give a comprehensive list of activities that you mark 1-5 in terms of interest - they're a great way to decide limits and define yourself and the kind of dynamic that interests you.
And never be afraid to ask questions or feel you've said the wrong thing, or be made to feel that way - it's a fascinating and multi-faceted subject that takes a lot of introspection and understanding, as well as guidance to come to terms with "
I only know that 50 Shades is Wank and of BDSMtestOrg. Could share some.lots of my answers? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
But how can I do that? The idea of a *slave* guiding me seems weird.... and like I'll end up being a slave to them over time if I'm not careful. As far as I know, the idea of BDSM in a master-slave domain is that the slave holds the actual power.
You're thinking of the "slave" as being a lesser person than you, not an equal.
They can guide you with their experiences. An experienced sub can give a new dom a wealth of guidance but when you think of them as someone beneath you well that's the wrong mindset to be in. Just because a person is submissive doesn't make them any less equal to you. Their desires and wants don't make them less of a teacher.
There's a world of difference between being a sub and a slave.... I never said anything about thinking they're beneath me. By being slaves, they've decided that's what they want. There's no equality there and they're talking about acts I've never thought and, to my mind, hoping and expecting me to be dominant. This feels extremely unfair.
Umbrella term sub - subservient, submissive, subjugated
Because a slave wishes to serve and that's what they get off on doesn't make them unequal. As soon as they don't want to they get to stop. Why are you thinking someone who is a slave should be treated in the precise term of it? True slavery is abhorrent and it takes an evil person to force a person into slavery. Removing their humanity and dignity and basic human rights.
Slavery in the world of BDSM is consensual not forced. So I think you need to understand that.
I understand consent is the big thing perfectly fine.... You're completely misunderstanding me. Why are you believing I think less of the person and saying all that?!
You've said that having a slave guide you is weird, you said what they get off on makes them unequal. What more do you need me to point out you struggle to grasp equality and respect. You think that a role a person enacts makes them unequal. You don't respect that someone who takes on a "lower" role has anything to offer in guidance and knowledge.
What I don't get is why you think a slave asking of you something that they want is unfair. If you don't want to do it and it's out of your boundaries then say so and don't do it. Simple as that.
Devils advocate , i agree with you on all the points you raised , respect and equality so forth . I do think i understand the other posters point as well though as i perhaps had a similar situation in the past . I came into a dynamic / relationship with a great deal more experience than she . It affected the dynamic in many ways , in many ways i was more of a coach than her sub , she felt awkward at times and never truly relaxed no matter how many times we talked . I have no doubt the sincerity of her want and need to be a Domme , she just wasent my Domme A purely as she said ," your to strong a character , you know to much . We parted , but im quite sure she went on and fulfilled many of desires , and i hope i was good influence on her journey
This is at odds with my present partner , whom although began our journey with less practical for want of a greater term experiance has so much desire and natural dominance , truthfully the like of which ive never seen in all my years that experiance levels become insignificant ..
Whether or not the other poster can ever feel at ease learning from a sub ? I could only offer , yes you can if you leave your mind open ..and if it dosent work out just politely step aside
"
That's helpful cheers! |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"....ind to explore further, would be to perhaps get a better understanding from the potential "slave" of how they view the role, what their expectations are both of that role, and the role of a dominant in that situation - it may help you understand whether it is a step you want to, or are even ready to take.
Give consideration to perhaps finding a mentor that can guide you, or figuring out slow baby steps you *can* take, read as much as you can on the subject and give some thought to how you see your role as a dominant and more importantly the type of dominant you think you would be - try some of the on-line questionnaires that give a comprehensive list of activities that you mark 1-5 in terms of interest - they're a great way to decide limits and define yourself and the kind of dynamic that interests you.
And never be afraid to ask questions or feel you've said the wrong thing, or be made to feel that way - it's a fascinating and multi-faceted subject that takes a lot of introspection and understanding, as well as guidance to come to terms with
I only know that 50 Shades is Wank and of BDSMtestOrg. Could share some.lots of my answers?"
Part of it comes from within and how you see yourself - to save myself typing it all again there's quite a comprehensive post I've just left quite a lengthy post for someone else with an interest and not sure how to start here:
https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/support/1010426#last
As for the questionnaires, if you Google "BDSM questionnaire" and skip past the one you mentioned (which is the first two responses) you'll find the kind of thing I mean |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"....ind to explore further, would be to perhaps get a better understanding from the potential "slave" of how they view the role, what their expectations are both of that role, and the role of a dominant in that situation - it may help you understand whether it is a step you want to, or are even ready to take.
Give consideration to perhaps finding a mentor that can guide you, or figuring out slow baby steps you *can* take, read as much as you can on the subject and give some thought to how you see your role as a dominant and more importantly the type of dominant you think you would be - try some of the on-line questionnaires that give a comprehensive list of activities that you mark 1-5 in terms of interest - they're a great way to decide limits and define yourself and the kind of dynamic that interests you.
And never be afraid to ask questions or feel you've said the wrong thing, or be made to feel that way - it's a fascinating and multi-faceted subject that takes a lot of introspection and understanding, as well as guidance to come to terms with
I only know that 50 Shades is Wank and of BDSMtestOrg. Could share some.lots of my answers?
Part of it comes from within and how you see yourself - to save myself typing it all again there's quite a comprehensive post I've just left quite a lengthy post for someone else with an interest and not sure how to start here:
https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/support/1010426#last
As for the questionnaires, if you Google "BDSM questionnaire" and skip past the one you mentioned (which is the first two responses) you'll find the kind of thing I mean "
Downloaded a questionnaire that works for me and tried some other online ones. The other party responded and I asked them to clarify.
Had a read of the other thread and will read Screw The Roses (even if it only focuses on sadomasochism and conflates kink/BDSM with romance for some weird reason) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"....ind to explore further, would be to perhaps get a better understanding from the potential "slave" of how they view the role, what their expectations are both of that role, and the role of a dominant in that situation - it may help you understand whether it is a step you want to, or are even ready to take.
Give consideration to perhaps finding a mentor that can guide you, or figuring out slow baby steps you *can* take, read as much as you can on the subject and give some thought to how you see your role as a dominant and more importantly the type of dominant you think you would be - try some of the on-line questionnaires that give a comprehensive list of activities that you mark 1-5 in terms of interest - they're a great way to decide limits and define yourself and the kind of dynamic that interests you.
And never be afraid to ask questions or feel you've said the wrong thing, or be made to feel that way - it's a fascinating and multi-faceted subject that takes a lot of introspection and understanding, as well as guidance to come to terms with
I only know that 50 Shades is Wank and of BDSMtestOrg. Could share some.lots of my answers?
Part of it comes from within and how you see yourself - to save myself typing it all again there's quite a comprehensive post I've just left quite a lengthy post for someone else with an interest and not sure how to start here:
https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/support/1010426#last
As for the questionnaires, if you Google "BDSM questionnaire" and skip past the one you mentioned (which is the first two responses) you'll find the kind of thing I mean
Downloaded a questionnaire that works for me and tried some other online ones. The other party responded and I asked them to clarify.
Had a read of the other thread and will read Screw The Roses (even if it only focuses on sadomasochism and conflates kink/BDSM with romance for some weird reason)"
Controversial that that Romance conflating with BDSM
is weird .That would depend on your overview of what Romance is . I find lots of Romance within BDSM . In fact its the part of its romantic charm that attracts me to it ..Boy meets girl , girl whips boy , boy bleeds a dies in her arms ( not literally of course ) Boys entire view of the world completely changes as he gives his soul to his now Mistress ..could there be a more romantic notion ? I doubt it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"....ind to explore further, would be to perhaps get a better understanding from the potential "slave" of how they view the role, what their expectations are both of that role, and the role of a dominant in that situation - it may help you understand whether it is a step you want to, or are even ready to take.
Give consideration to perhaps finding a mentor that can guide you, or figuring out slow baby steps you *can* take, read as much as you can on the subject and give some thought to how you see your role as a dominant and more importantly the type of dominant you think you would be - try some of the on-line questionnaires that give a comprehensive list of activities that you mark 1-5 in terms of interest - they're a great way to decide limits and define yourself and the kind of dynamic that interests you.
And never be afraid to ask questions or feel you've said the wrong thing, or be made to feel that way - it's a fascinating and multi-faceted subject that takes a lot of introspection and understanding, as well as guidance to come to terms with
I only know that 50 Shades is Wank and of BDSMtestOrg. Could share some.lots of my answers?
Part of it comes from within and how you see yourself - to save myself typing it all again there's quite a comprehensive post I've just left quite a lengthy post for someone else with an interest and not sure how to start here:
https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/support/1010426#last
As for the questionnaires, if you Google "BDSM questionnaire" and skip past the one you mentioned (which is the first two responses) you'll find the kind of thing I mean
Downloaded a questionnaire that works for me and tried some other online ones. The other party responded and I asked them to clarify.
Had a read of the other thread and will read Screw The Roses (even if it only focuses on sadomasochism and conflates kink/BDSM with romance for some weird reason)
Controversial that that Romance conflating with BDSM
is weird .That would depend on your overview of what Romance is . I find lots of Romance within BDSM . In fact its the part of its romantic charm that attracts me to it ..Boy meets girl , girl whips boy , boy bleeds a dies in her arms ( not literally of course ) Boys entire view of the world completely changes as he gives his soul to his now Mistress ..could there be a more romantic notion ? I doubt it "
Interesting. Can't say romance has ever come into it for me.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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And that in itself is essence of BDSM , It can be whatever you want it to be .. Try and think of BDSM as a term , not as one entity . A superstore perhaps " BDSM Superstore " open 24hrs . Find everything you want under one roof .. Aisle upon Aisle of your very favorite kinks ...a product emporiam where one can try some shit on Wednesday , and sample a completely different flavour on Friday . You could even freeze some that your not sure about and come back to it later . As with any superstore shopping experience , theres no right or wrong way to shop . Some have lists and are organised others simply lob things in a basket willy nilly and some head straight to the booze aisle and just get d*unk on its sheer existence .. However you do it just enjoy your experience in the store
And remember every little helps..
Yes Yes Yes !!! I know ! Quiet in the cheap seats !! Ive been locked up for weeks , im running out of material ... |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"And that in itself is essence of BDSM , It can be whatever you want it to be .. Try and think of BDSM as a term , not as one entity . A superstore perhaps " BDSM Superstore " open 24hrs . Find everything you want under one roof .. Aisle upon Aisle of your very favorite kinks ...a product emporiam where one can try some shit on Wednesday , and sample a completely different flavour on Friday . You could even freeze some that your not sure about and come back to it later . As with any superstore shopping experience , theres no right or wrong way to shop . Some have lists and are organised others simply lob things in a basket willy nilly and some head straight to the booze aisle and just get d*unk on its sheer existence .. However you do it just enjoy your experience in the store
And remember every little helps..
Yes Yes Yes !!! I know ! Quiet in the cheap seats !! Ive been locked up for weeks , im running out of material ... "
An excellent analogy and exactly how I see not only my views on BDSM but my whole sexuality which is very much a smorgasbord of different tastes and sensations all of which can be mixed and matched in various ways dependent on mood, partner and more.
Am also with you totally with you on the romance angle - doesn't necessarily have to be a full blown relationship kind of thing but elements of connection a d chemistry and other romantic notions, which can and do exist even in an NSA context.
I think it's often mistaken that D/s is "different" from a "normal" relationship (whether that be a committed one or NSA) but for me it's no different at all in terms of there needing to be a connection, chemistry and attraction in place before I'd even consider allowing someone to take my submission - in fact if anything it's even more valid that it's there in some respects. I know that isn't the case for everyone, just as an NSA meet isn't the same for everyone which is where we come back to the Superstore analogy - there's room for every flavour and taste. |
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So many labels. The BDSM scene is full of people who will tell you the right and wrong way to do and define everything. Best ignore them all and do your own thing. I found the scene to be mainly about people wanting to socialise and talk about it which is fine; I like playing golf but have no desire to socialise with golfers. Even the much missed IC forums told any newbie to go to a munch. I tried it once, an awful experience for me, too many leather waistcoats and ponytails, but some people love them, and munches. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So many labels. The BDSM scene is full of people who will tell you the right and wrong way to do and define everything. Best ignore them all and do your own thing. I found the scene to be mainly about people wanting to socialise and talk about it which is fine; I like playing golf but have no desire to socialise with golfers. Even the much missed IC forums told any newbie to go to a munch. I tried it once, an awful experience for me, too many leather waistcoats and ponytails, but some people love them, and munches. "
My partner and i run our own munch , all that we can do is provide a place , time and date ,and promise that we will be there or at least one of us . The rest is down to the attendees , it is what one makes of it . It is a shame , and im sorry to hear that you had such a terrible time .
I have in the past attended munches which have not been my cup of cha , its a bit like searching for your favorite boozer or restaurant , one usually has to try a few . As a means of social networking i find they do work if one attends regular, many people crossover from one to another and within a short space of time you can find yourself becoming a regular attendee and a more trusted member of your local community .
Lost count ofthe number of times that someone turns up at our munch never to be seen again .. its very unlikely that they would be invited to the next private soiree on the breifest off appearances made .
However i do agree with you that perhaps the protocol associated now with BDSM can and does drive newbies away . We are lucky i suppose to have also a wonderful female co host who joins us , An old skool lass , whom brings us a great deal of female balance to our group , it kinda breaks up the pony tail and waist coat image ..
Dont become disheartened as you say one must do ones owmthing at the end of the day |
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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago
Up on them there hills |
"Devils advocate , i agree with you on all the points you raised , respect and equality so forth . I do think i understand the other posters point as well though as i perhaps had a similar situation in the past . I came into a dynamic / relationship with a great deal more experience than she . It affected the dynamic in many ways , in many ways i was more of a coach than her sub , she felt awkward at times and never truly relaxed no matter how many times we talked . I have no doubt the sincerity of her want and need to be a Domme , she just wasent my Domme A purely as she said ," your to strong a character , you know to much . We parted , but im quite sure she went on and fulfilled many of desires , and i hope i was good influence on her journey
This is at odds with my present partner , whom although began our journey with less practical for want of a greater term experiance has so much desire and natural dominance , truthfully the like of which ive never seen in all my years that experiance levels become insignificant ..
Whether or not the other poster can ever feel at ease learning from a sub ? I could only offer , yes you can if you leave your mind open ..and if it dosent work out just politely step aside
All good points, as usual, and it is easy to confuse slave and submissive roles - but there is a difference and whichever way you look at it "slave" denotes ownership, which doesn't necessarily have to mean inequality as such but *does* place an even greater emphasis on a dominant to be in control - so can totally LolzordsYawning's concerns.
My advice to you LY, if you are of a mind to explore further, would be to perhaps get a better understanding from the potential "slave" of how they view the role, what their expectations are both of that role, and the role of a dominant in that situation - it may help you understand whether it is a step you want to, or are even ready to take.
Give consideration to perhaps finding a mentor that can guide you, or figuring out slow baby steps you *can* take, read as much as you can on the subject and give some thought to how you see your role as a dominant and more importantly the type of dominant you think you would be - try some of the on-line questionnaires that give a comprehensive list of activities that you mark 1-5 in terms of interest - they're a great way to decide limits and define yourself and the kind of dynamic that interests you.
And never be afraid to ask questions or feel you've said the wrong thing, or be made to feel that way - it's a fascinating and multi-faceted subject that takes a lot of introspection and understanding, as well as guidance to come to terms with "
Wow, never seen semantics so misunderstood. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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".think it's often mistaken that D/s is "different" from a "normal" relationship (whether that be a committed one or NSA) but for me it's no different at all in terms of there needing to be a connection, chemistry and attraction in place before I'd even consider allowing someone to take my submission - in fact if anything it's even more valid that it's there in some respects. I know that isn't the case for everyone, just as an NSA meet "
For me, i feel the D/s relationship is way deeper than a 'normal' relationship ...the depth that the D goes to understand the s, their needs, desires, fears.. Celebrating their achievements and successes.. Having the ability to command the s with a single word, touch, look
I feel like they are almost an intravenous drip into my system |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Devils advocate , i agree with you on all the points you raised , respect and equality so forth . I do think i understand the other posters point as well though as i perhaps had a similar situation in the past . I came into a dynamic / relationship with a great deal more experience than she . It affected the dynamic in many ways , in many ways i was more of a coach than her sub , she felt awkward at times and never truly relaxed no matter how many times we talked . I have no doubt the sincerity of her want and need to be a Domme , she just wasent my Domme A purely as she said ," your to strong a character , you know to much . We parted , but im quite sure she went on and fulfilled many of desires , and i hope i was good influence on her journey
This is at odds with my present partner , whom although began our journey with less practical for want of a greater term experiance has so much desire and natural dominance , truthfully the like of which ive never seen in all my years that experiance levels become insignificant ..
Whether or not the other poster can ever feel at ease learning from a sub ? I could only offer , yes you can if you leave your mind open ..and if it dosent work out just politely step aside
All good points, as usual, and it is easy to confuse slave and submissive roles - but there is a difference and whichever way you look at it "slave" denotes ownership, which doesn't necessarily have to mean inequality as such but *does* place an even greater emphasis on a dominant to be in control - so can totally LolzordsYawning's concerns.
My advice to you LY, if you are of a mind to explore further, would be to perhaps get a better understanding from the potential "slave" of how they view the role, what their expectations are both of that role, and the role of a dominant in that situation - it may help you understand whether it is a step you want to, or are even ready to take.
Give consideration to perhaps finding a mentor that can guide you, or figuring out slow baby steps you *can* take, read as much as you can on the subject and give some thought to how you see your role as a dominant and more importantly the type of dominant you think you would be - try some of the on-line questionnaires that give a comprehensive list of activities that you mark 1-5 in terms of interest - they're a great way to decide limits and define yourself and the kind of dynamic that interests you.
And never be afraid to ask questions or feel you've said the wrong thing, or be made to feel that way - it's a fascinating and multi-faceted subject that takes a lot of introspection and understanding, as well as guidance to come to terms with
Wow, never seen semantics so misunderstood."
You have obviously never been to Newcastle ! |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"
Wow, never seen semantics so misunderstood."
Or perhaps you just interpret them differently - as has been pointed out several times on this thread individual interpretation and meaning is the key |
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By *uri400Woman
over a year ago
Croydon |
"I (him) have been kinky for getting on for 30 years and I have always found the 'scene' as it were not to be to my liking. I've never been one for dressing up or having incredibly formal rules etc. so it's probably just that I'm not really suited to the scene rather than the other way around.
I do however find power dynamics absolutely fascinating. It has always been my tendency to be fluid in my side of the fence depending on how the other person makes me feel. I have submissive triggers that will get me there 90% of the time but I find nothing more hilarious than someone calling themselves Master or Mistress and expecting people to treat them in that manner.
All the whips and chains are lovely and everything but essentially they are all about topping, the real fun goes on in the mind. It can be fun to whip, or be whipped but I suppose I'm more D/s than BDSM. It shouldn't need a pair and handcuffs and a cat o nine to make someone feel submissive, and if it does then someone is doing it wrong.
Disagree slightly.
From my perspective one of the (many) jobs of an assertive person is to create sexual subspace.
One of the simplest and easiest ways to remove domestic cognitive thoughts is to sexually overload the senses.
If you use fractionation of mind, sensual and more intense physical play, moving between the sensual and physical, creating a bigger gap between the two then subspace quickly engages.
Well, works on my world.
To me, D/s play is so layered and multifaceted there is no single right way.
Plenty of wrong ways and porn B/d generalises the dynamic in such a bad way, to me it is just a glorified form of B/d play.
I see where you are coming from and in a sense so long as there is a consensual power exchange and everyone walks away happy then you are doing it right. However what I probably wasn't too clear on is my view that the restraints, the pain, the whips and the fancy latex suits are all merely tools to help what is going on in the brain.
You could tie me up and call me all the names under the sun but if I'm not feeling submissive mentally then no amount of pain or restraint is going to change that. All the accessories can do is take me deeper, they can't get me there in the first place."
It's all very subjective I think even in is different and on different paths. I think the most important thing I consent.
personally I wouldn't say I'm submissive im a huge brat and the right Dom will bring a submissive side out of me which yes is very mental play but ultimately I know I want that spanking and if my brattiness gets me there perfect
. I do enjoy some level of pain and it's the floggers and paddles that get me there get my mind in that place brings the sub out of me.
If I'm tied and spanked and drop into subspace my pussy will be dripping like a leaky tap.
I also really enjoy the feel of rope play/shibari the feel of the rope of my skin and the tightness around my body there isn't anything that feels like it and being suspened wow there are no words.
I think it's very much the difference between having a fetish and a kink some like you don't need that external stimulation it's mostly mental for you. Whereas I personally love the accessories and really enjoy a scene where they are used. But that's the beautiful thing about BDSM it's subjective it's how each person interperates it.
I think now everyone is trying to lable themselves to be a Dom or sub and not thinking actually I like multiple and then pigeonhole themselves. I know im cinstantly eveolving and i woukd describe myslef as bratty masochist rope bunny. But I've been told that I don't come across as someone who is a bottom I seem like a Domme because of my personality
A lot of people lable thenselves as Dom as they believe it give them automatic power over any one I hate when I get message saying you will do as I say and I want this this this. Any dynamic D/s M/s or just top and bottom doing a scene need to negoiate and talk about what they expect and want from the relationship/scene. |
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By *uri400Woman
over a year ago
Croydon |
"Agreed personality is the key and all feeds into that "sense" I was referring to - it's the personality that makes me "feel" submissive, just something about the way they are, their demeanour, might be something as simple as a look or a turn of phrase
Agreed me too
Yes... For me also... It is the carefully chosen, deliberately spoken word or sentence, the tone, the intent, their presence .. Mental and physical "
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By *uri400Woman
over a year ago
Croydon |
"So many labels. The BDSM scene is full of people who will tell you the right and wrong way to do and define everything. Best ignore them all and do your own thing. I found the scene to be mainly about people wanting to socialise and talk about it which is fine; I like playing golf but have no desire to socialise with golfers. Even the much missed IC forums told any newbie to go to a munch. I tried it once, an awful experience for me, too many leather waistcoats and ponytails, but some people love them, and munches. "
Really ithebfound the opposit the munch I go to is so vanilla we all just look like a group of mates have a drink and a after work chat.
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By *uri400Woman
over a year ago
Croydon |
".think it's often mistaken that D/s is "different" from a "normal" relationship (whether that be a committed one or NSA) but for me it's no different at all in terms of there needing to be a connection, chemistry and attraction in place before I'd even consider allowing someone to take my submission - in fact if anything it's even more valid that it's there in some respects. I know that isn't the case for everyone, just as an NSA meet
For me, i feel the D/s relationship is way deeper than a 'normal' relationship ...the depth that the D goes to understand the s, their needs, desires, fears.. Celebrating their achievements and successes.. Having the ability to command the s with a single word, touch, look
I feel like they are almost an intravenous drip into my system"
I agree with you completely . But I feel that when the relationship is right there is a lot more communicating and openness than a vanilla relationship.
It's that time after an intense scene when your in aftercare I think that time can make the bond son much deeper and stronger. |
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Does gender and sexuality tend to influence how somebody is likely to engage in BDSM? This is not about individuals, there will always be exceptions in such a wide ranging area of activity.
It does seem certain ways of doing BDSM are more popular with particular genders or sexual orientations. Nature or nurture? |
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By *dwalu2Couple
over a year ago
Bristol |
"So many labels. The BDSM scene is full of people who will tell you the right and wrong way to do and define everything. Best ignore them all and do your own thing. I found the scene to be mainly about people wanting to socialise and talk about it which is fine; I like playing golf but have no desire to socialise with golfers. Even the much missed IC forums told any newbie to go to a munch. I tried it once, an awful experience for me, too many leather waistcoats and ponytails, but some people love them, and munches.
Really ithebfound the opposit the munch I go to is so vanilla we all just look like a group of mates have a drink and a after work chat.
"
We found ourselves in a munch by accident once, we were in a bar in Liverpool chatting to a couple who were with group of people, and later on a separate member of the same group asked if we were ‘here for the munch’.
The point being they were just ‘normal’ punters, you wouldn’t have been able to tell they were fetish people by their outfits. |
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"Does gender and sexuality tend to influence how somebody is likely to engage in BDSM? This is not about individuals, there will always be exceptions in such a wide ranging area of activity.
It does seem certain ways of doing BDSM are more popular with particular genders or sexual orientations. Nature or nurture?"
There is some correlation but it isn't the rule.
Take for example sissification, seemingly the majority are bisexual males, but some are straight and engage no interest with sexual acts with other males but they enjoy being dressed as sissies.
When society stops being so judgemental more will engage with what they enjoy, it is judgements which whisper in our ears that tells us things are meant to be a certain way. When people open up and follow their desires and aren't harming anyone they become happier healthier individuals. But imagine a life time of being told you're a straight man and shouldn't wear girly clothes it sticks in your mind even though you have urges societies judgements and opinions play a role.
As with any fetishes and desires that are "abnormal" are actually completely normal it's just majority disagree even if they feel the same way because it's expected of them. So stereotyping people is what creates the correlation.
Stereotyping exists in the BDSM community just as much as the general community.
Nurture comes from when people accept you for who you are and accept what it is you wish to do, encourages you to be free and help you to grow. Nature is the desires which are completely normal.
So it is both and both of which depend on acceptance and nonjudgemental attitudes. Experiences in life guide us and to say that one time a man was a boy looking and touching a relatives clothes he dreamt of wearing himself and having that desire for many years before having the courage to say I don't care what people think any more to do it.
Just as with everything we consider a fetish it's born of desire or intrigue. Society normalises things before if you were having sex but not to procreate but for fun it was frowned upon and now it's perfectly normal to even have sex that isn't the missionary position.
Most minority groups aren't such a minority just people don't realise how many there actually is. |
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"So many labels. The BDSM scene is full of people who will tell you the right and wrong way to do and define everything. Best ignore them all and do your own thing. I found the scene to be mainly about people wanting to socialise and talk about it which is fine; I like playing golf but have no desire to socialise with golfers. Even the much missed IC forums told any newbie to go to a munch. I tried it once, an awful experience for me, too many leather waistcoats and ponytails, but some people love them, and munches.
Really ithebfound the opposit the munch I go to is so vanilla we all just look like a group of mates have a drink and a after work chat.
We found ourselves in a munch by accident once, we were in a bar in Liverpool chatting to a couple who were with group of people, and later on a separate member of the same group asked if we were ‘here for the munch’.
The point being they were just ‘normal’ punters, you wouldn’t have been able to tell they were fetish people by their outfits."
Normally an A-Z on a table was the classic sign of munch taking place, and yes most of the ones I used to attend we normal people after work on a social. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Does gender and sexuality tend to influence how somebody is likely to engage in BDSM? This is not about individuals, there will always be exceptions in such a wide ranging area of activity.
It does seem certain ways of doing BDSM are more popular with particular genders or sexual orientations. Nature or nurture?"
Engage ? Yes ,i do believe it does . In gender particularly . My own partner writes on the other site of how she was shamed previously for wanting to try things .
For a male to " pin the bitch down while he fucks her good " is nothing more than another swagger in the pub ( of course i do not generalise here so please do not take offence ) For a woman to admit such a desire , renders the pub speechless . As an example , Ian Brady and Myra Hindly . Shocked at the barbaric acts as such a man , the world more repulsed that a woman could be involved in such a vicious atrocity .. An emotive subject , and i apoligise if my example causes any offence . However it is a fact of life that women , are seen as carers , givers of life , the embodiment of nature its self . Loving peaceful mothering .Its the men who go to war .. and kill ..So imagine being a woman in a world were she is that carer , and admitting that actually she quite gets of on making men scream for sexual pleasure .. I can only imagine it because i was a transvestite in the 70s a mere child .. and i was shit scared of telling that to youthfull girlfriends .. so how must she have felt ..
In conclusion i feel there is more sexual sadistical women out there than present revealed .Society has not yet given them the platform to be ok with it yet .. Its just a kink , like any other male kink .. but some women are fearful of there desires .. and dont indulge because they so are ...Perhaps one daythe fabled Dominatrix may emerge from the shadows in vast numbers , grab there partner roughly and take em hard like a bitch .. Wonder how many men are left at the bar to tell that story ? .. So yes gender is very important to some engagement of BDSM |
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