FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > First meet for social but they want more
First meet for social but they want more
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Hi guys we have our first meet planned for Thursday, it's a social coffee to see how we get on ...but during the chat he mentioned that he wanted a grope my pussy and to wear no underware, his wife feels the same as she wants the same .. . Just unsure how far this will go as they also mentioned that they wanted bare back sex as this is there thing , my hubby is very unsure about this for obvious reasons and I am worried about unprotected sex also ..Are we nuts to allow a coffee meet turn into something that would make either of us uncomfortable , my hubby ginger is very unsure how we should proceed but wants to please me .... any advice would be good |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you are not into Bare Back then state so now before any meet takes place social or otherwise. If they wont play safe then don't meet at all.
I personally (MRS) wouldn't be happy getting "requests" to not wear underwear to a social and being told a bloke wants to grab my pussy at a social coffee meet.
If it is just a social then it should remain thus. Don't feel pressured into anything at the end of the day, do what you and your partner feel comfortable with. Do not allow others to try and persuade you to break your own boundaries  . |
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By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago
Calderdale innit |
Hi op
I'd say go with your instinct
Its obviously giving you doubts and i think a social should be onlythat unless its what you all want.
Set clear boundaries with them if you do meet them and if you feel uneasy about any of it leave. |
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"Hi guys we have our first meet planned for Thursday, it's a social coffee to see how we get on ...but during the chat he mentioned that he wanted a grope my pussy and to wear no underware, his wife feels the same as she wants the same .. . Just unsure how far this will go as they also mentioned that they wanted bare back sex as this is there thing , my hubby is very unsure about this for obvious reasons and I am worried about unprotected sex also ..Are we nuts to allow a coffee meet turn into something that would make either of us uncomfortable , my hubby ginger is very unsure how we should proceed but wants to please me .... any advice would be good "
Surely you know the answer  |
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"Hi guys we have our first meet planned for Thursday, it's a social coffee to see how we get on ...but during the chat he mentioned that he wanted a grope my pussy and to wear no underware, his wife feels the same as she wants the same .. . Just unsure how far this will go as they also mentioned that they wanted bare back sex as this is there thing , my hubby is very unsure about this for obvious reasons and I am worried about unprotected sex also ..Are we nuts to allow a coffee meet turn into something that would make either of us uncomfortable , my hubby ginger is very unsure how we should proceed but wants to please me .... any advice would be good "
Do not ever do something you don't want to do. Set your boundaries and stick by them, if the people you're meeting don't agree with your boundaries of means you aren't compatible. |
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I refused to meet a guy who talked like this about a planned social, and that’s without the threat of bareback. Go with your gut, if they’re already pushing for more than you’re comfortable with, can you trust them to respect your boundaries in person? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Yes we have both spoken to them on the phone so they are real and seam very nice to chat to its just we were only looking for a coffee first and then we could make a propper decision as to weather we would go for a play date , as said this will be our very first meet and we want to leave feeling good about it . As for bare back that's never going to happen.so we will chat to them again and and set out our boundaries and take it from there ..... thankyou all so much for the great advice its very much appreciated xxx guess being new we just got caught up in the whole idea of a meet lol ... again thankyou for the kind and sensible advice xxx |
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By * and BCouple
over a year ago
Durham |
Always use your gut instinct, if it doesn't feel right it just ain't right. If it was us and the social chat had turned to this we'd just say 'we've changed our minds and hope you find what you are looking for but we don't seem to be the couple for you'
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Honestly, I always discuss safe sex up front and would walk away from anyone who said that bareback is 'their thing'. No judgment, but it's a total incompatibility.
But that's me.
If you want to meet them, I think you should decide what your boundaries are and make them very clear to this couple upfront. |
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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago
Dubai & Nottingham |
The no underwear and touching is fairly common on socials in our experience but only if all agree in advance. If not and they get whiny just tell them to f***k off , as for BB, again your choice, you can just say no can’t you, you’re adults. sometimes people come across as pushy but are just cheeky/forward/excited, but whether it’s innocent or not you need to decode the type of people you want to meet and what you want to do |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thanks guys you really are bringing us back down to earth xxx yes will definitely set our boundaries with them and walk away if they are not happy xx again thankyou all for the increadbly fantastic advice xxx xx Jackie and ginger |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I've no idea why people even consider meeting others they clearly aren't compatible with "
As per the question, they are asking advice and new to swinging. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"To be honest they don’t even sound real - have you spoken to the lady on the phone to check they both exist?
My thoughts exactly "
They explained above. They have spoke to both male and female |
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By * and BCouple
over a year ago
Durham |
"Thanks guys you really are bringing us back down to earth xxx yes will definitely set our boundaries with them and walk away if they are not happy xx again thankyou all for the increadbly fantastic advice xxx xx Jackie and ginger"
Remeber something very similar happening to us. We'd been chatting for a few weeks after setting up a social. The day was nearly here and the guy started messaging saying he wanted Mrs to wear no underwear and his wife would do the same. We said its not going to happen but still went ahead with the social. Needless to say he was nightmare and the social came to an abrupt stop. So we learned by our stupid mistake, we even said this social is not going to work. We should have cancelled when he started his stupid antics. Like you OP we'd spoke and they sounded lovely...... Bright flashing lights should be the clue and don't end up like us regretting everyone around us knowing about Fab on the night, he didn't know the word discretion existed. Won't happen again, as we said before if it doesn't feel right it ain't right  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hi guys we have our first meet planned for Thursday, it's a social coffee to see how we get on ...but during the chat he mentioned that he wanted a grope my pussy and to wear no underware, his wife feels the same as she wants the same .. . Just unsure how far this will go as they also mentioned that they wanted bare back sex as this is there thing , my hubby is very unsure about this for obvious reasons and I am worried about unprotected sex also ..Are we nuts to allow a coffee meet turn into something that would make either of us uncomfortable , my hubby ginger is very unsure how we should proceed but wants to please me .... any advice would be good "
Your both in your late 40's surly you can decide what your comfortable with or not |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I've no idea why people even consider meeting others they clearly aren't compatible with
As per the question, they are asking advice and new to swinging. "
Thankyou xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Thanks guys you really are bringing us back down to earth xxx yes will definitely set our boundaries with them and walk away if they are not happy xx again thankyou all for the increadbly fantastic advice xxx xx Jackie and ginger
Remeber something very similar happening to us. We'd been chatting for a few weeks after setting up a social. The day was nearly here and the guy started messaging saying he wanted Mrs to wear no underwear and his wife would do the same. We said its not going to happen but still went ahead with the social. Needless to say he was nightmare and the social came to an abrupt stop. So we learned by our stupid mistake, we even said this social is not going to work. We should have cancelled when he started his stupid antics. Like you OP we'd spoke and they sounded lovely...... Bright flashing lights should be the clue and don't end up like us regretting everyone around us knowing about Fab on the night, he didn't know the word discretion existed. Won't happen again, as we said before if it doesn't feel right it ain't right "
Omg I'm sorry you had to go trough that xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I've no idea why people even consider meeting others they clearly aren't compatible with
As per the question, they are asking advice and new to swinging. "
They're grown adults. It's basic common sense in regards to meeting strangers |
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By *WillowxWoman
over a year ago
Oo err Devon |
"If you are not into Bare Back then state so now before any meet takes place social or otherwise. If they wont play safe then don't meet at all.
I personally (MRS) wouldn't be happy getting "requests" to not wear underwear to a social and being told a bloke wants to grab my pussy at a social coffee meet.
If it is just a social then it should remain thus. Don't feel pressured into anything at the end of the day, do what you and your partner feel comfortable with. Do not allow others to try and persuade you to break your own boundaries . "
This is sound advice.. A social should be purely that.. No pressure for anything more...
And bareback... If its something you are not comfortable with.. Just say neigh... You will only regret it otherwiae.. There will be other couples you.. Match.. With.. Be patient ans wait for a couple who you feel comfortable with ans have the same or are respectful of your expectations and boundaries. |
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By *ndrew CareyMan
over a year ago
Peterborough, Cambridgeshire & Lincolnshire |
"Hi guys we have our first meet planned for Thursday, it's a social coffee to see how we get on ...but during the chat he mentioned that he wanted a grope my pussy and to wear no underware, his wife feels the same as she wants the same .. . Just unsure how far this will go as they also mentioned that they wanted bare back sex as this is there thing , my hubby is very unsure about this for obvious reasons and I am worried about unprotected sex also ..Are we nuts to allow a coffee meet turn into something that would make either of us uncomfortable , my hubby ginger is very unsure how we should proceed but wants to please me .... any advice would be good "
I personally wouldn't meet with them as they are already looking to push boundaries.
If you decide to meet with them, just make it clear, it's coffee and nothing else. |
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By * and BCouple
over a year ago
Durham |
"Thanks guys you really are bringing us back down to earth xxx yes will definitely set our boundaries with them and walk away if they are not happy xx again thankyou all for the increadbly fantastic advice xxx xx Jackie and ginger
Remeber something very similar happening to us. We'd been chatting for a few weeks after setting up a social. The day was nearly here and the guy started messaging saying he wanted Mrs to wear no underwear and his wife would do the same. We said its not going to happen but still went ahead with the social. Needless to say he was nightmare and the social came to an abrupt stop. So we learned by our stupid mistake, we even said this social is not going to work. We should have cancelled when he started his stupid antics. Like you OP we'd spoke and they sounded lovely...... Bright flashing lights should be the clue and don't end up like us regretting everyone around us knowing about Fab on the night, he didn't know the word discretion existed. Won't happen again, as we said before if it doesn't feel right it ain't right
Omg I'm sorry you had to go trough that xx"
Yet another learning curve on our Journey. You are new and can take the advice from others and not put yourselves in a similar situation. Some people do take advantage of new people to this lifestyle. Things like this can put newbies off this lifestyle, but we can reassure you both there's some amazing people to meet |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hi guys we have our first meet planned for Thursday, it's a social coffee to see how we get on ...but during the chat he mentioned that he wanted a grope my pussy and to wear no underware, his wife feels the same as she wants the same .. . Just unsure how far this will go as they also mentioned that they wanted bare back sex as this is there thing , my hubby is very unsure about this for obvious reasons and I am worried about unprotected sex also ..Are we nuts to allow a coffee meet turn into something that would make either of us uncomfortable , my hubby ginger is very unsure how we should proceed but wants to please me .... any advice would be good "
they sound a bit crude to me, whatever made you choose them in the first place? |
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We get this all the time, we arrange what we happy with and it’s “yeah yeah no problem, no pressure!” Then it’s “can we just” or “will u do this”. That’s why we find it hard meeting new people on here |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Thanks guys you really are bringing us back down to earth xxx yes will definitely set our boundaries with them and walk away if they are not happy xx again thankyou all for the increadbly fantastic advice xxx xx Jackie and ginger
Remeber something very similar happening to us. We'd been chatting for a few weeks after setting up a social. The day was nearly here and the guy started messaging saying he wanted Mrs to wear no underwear and his wife would do the same. We said its not going to happen but still went ahead with the social. Needless to say he was nightmare and the social came to an abrupt stop. So we learned by our stupid mistake, we even said this social is not going to work. We should have cancelled when he started his stupid antics. Like you OP we'd spoke and they sounded lovely...... Bright flashing lights should be the clue and don't end up like us regretting everyone around us knowing about Fab on the night, he didn't know the word discretion existed. Won't happen again, as we said before if it doesn't feel right it ain't right
Omg I'm sorry you had to go trough that xx
Yet another learning curve on our Journey. You are new and can take the advice from others and not put yourselves in a similar situation. Some people do take advantage of new people to this lifestyle. Things like this can put newbies off this lifestyle, but we can reassure you both there's some amazing people to meet "
Thankyou so much xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Make it clear a social is a social or walk away now. That's my thought
I second third and fourth this lol if they would have said that to me would be an instant block x"
This  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We get this all the time, we arrange what we happy with and it’s “yeah yeah no problem, no pressure!” Then it’s “can we just” or “will u do this”. That’s why we find it hard meeting new people on here"
So it's not uncomen then ? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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some are very forward and basic people they view this life as a sex conveyor belt and anything goes, they are manipulative and dominant and will possibly be rude and abusive if you question them, if you are more refined types then this could possibly be a difficult process but lots of nice people here to but you have to stamp your authority on the process to and only do what you are both comfortable with   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You really need to ask advice on that?
They are new and unsure. Why so critical.
They are adults not green youngsters  "
Even so. They have said they were unsure. Just asking like minded people for advice |
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"You really need to ask advice on that?
They are new and unsure. Why so critical.
They are adults not green youngsters
Even so. They have said they were unsure. Just asking like minded people for advice "
Blurred boundaries is Red Flag, personally we appreciate upfront honesty so we can swerve, no compromise. Barebackers claiming safe sex on profiles yet not case at least this couple is telling you, so if you meet your approving their wants. Upto you end of the day |
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For me when I meet for a social it's a social nothing more I have no expectations of sex. I expect the same from the people I meet for a social.
As soon as they start expecting anything else I will abandon the idea of a social and meeting them altogether. If they can't respect that then they aren't worth the risk meeting them. There's people who agree to a social with the idea of actually having sexual pleasures. I've found these kind of people don't like being told no.
If they make you think twice there's a good reason to follow your instincts.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Don't be desperate to get a meet that just leads to bad meets
Your rules should be clear from the start don’t comprise on them just because you’re shown interest
Stick to what you want and feel comfortable with |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You really need to ask advice on that?
They are new and unsure. Why so critical.
They are adults not green youngsters
Even so. They have said they were unsure. Just asking like minded people for advice
Blurred boundaries is Red Flag, personally we appreciate upfront honesty so we can swerve, no compromise. Barebackers claiming safe sex on profiles yet not case at least this couple is telling you, so if you meet your approving their wants. Upto you end of the day "
Exactly, these are new and unsure as they seem to click, they were just asking advice |
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By *mberWoman
over a year ago
Preston |
I make it very clear that a social is a social. No matter how much I like them that is what it will be.
Because otherwise there's always the thought that it might be more which adds pressure.
If they want something you don't, you should say now. Then everyone knows where you stand x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You really need to ask advice on that?
They are new and unsure. Why so critical.
They are adults not green youngsters
Even so. They have said they were unsure. Just asking like minded people for advice
Blurred boundaries is Red Flag, personally we appreciate upfront honesty so we can swerve, no compromise. Barebackers claiming safe sex on profiles yet not case at least this couple is telling you, so if you meet your approving their wants. Upto you end of the day
Exactly, these are new and unsure as they seem to click, they were just asking advice "
 thankyou xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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To be honest if it were us we'd swerve right from the moment there was any suggestion of vulgarity around what is supposed to be a social. I wouldn't stand for it and E would have them blocked in a flash.
My biggest concern is that they seem to be completely inconsiderate of the fact that this is all new to you - and perhaps they might even be taking advantage of it.
If it feels wrong, walk away. Never put yourself in a situation where you feel uncomfortable. And if you do decide to go ahead, if at any point the social moves in a direction you're not happy with then don't be afraid to end it there and then.
We're from the same neck of the woods and we know it's a small pond, and one that doesn't have the safety net of club meets. We've only met one couple - and that was a social - in almost a year. But til it feels right for everyone concerned we're happy enough to trundle along doing our own thing. So don't be in a rush.
Incidentally, there's a M&G in Belfast on Good Friday...maybe that would be an ideal opportunity to meet other couples in a completely pressure free environment. Either way good luck |
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Your profile says safe sex only so the other couple should respect that. It’d be an instant red flag if they brought it up after we’d told them no to bb.
I think the other couple have got a little carried away with what they want from a social. Might be an idea to call it off as it seems you guys want different things. |
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I agree with most of the posters just don't go. A social is just that a social. From your post OP they are showing you no consideration and are demanding unsafe sex without having met you.
Politely say no keep your boundaries and look for another couple that will treat you both with respect. |
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By *adMerWoman
over a year ago
Sandwich |
After many years of swinging, both as a part of a couple and more recently as a singleton, my biggest piece of advice is that if it feels a bit off then don’t do it. Anyone that is actually worth playing with will be more than happy to respect your boundaries. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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From personal experience, there are some people who get a thrill out of ‘newbies’ and take advantage of your inexperience and reluctance to appear shocked. I would give them a swerve and wait to meet people you are 100% excited about seeing |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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ahhhh youre sidney University people that makes a difference, don't meet them especially if they wanna take pics and have a faintest hint of an Australian accent |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"From personal experience, there are some people who get a thrill out of ‘newbies’ and take advantage of your inexperience and reluctance to appear shocked. I would give them a swerve and wait to meet people you are 100% excited about seeing "
We also experienced this, it was a bit of a setback for us too in terms of confidence after people were manipulative.
Now we have experienced the club environment we realise that clubs are a much better starting point for swinging than trying to meet people from here. Our advice to any newbies would be to find a decent looking event at a well reviewed club and going to that to just watch and socialise and see how you feel. |
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We wouldn’t bother meeting them if they’re already trying to alter the boundaries before you’ve even met. They might just be getting off on a bit of titillating talk but at the end of the day if it makes either of you feel uncomfortable then it’s not worth it. You will get plenty more offers to meet so don’t rush into a potential disaster. It’s supposed to be about mutual fun. Good luck. |
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You shouldnt be doing anything at all that makes you feel uncomfortable.
There are plenty of other people on here so why meet people who sound like they could be pushy and disrespectful of your boundaries?
Cancel the meet and find someone else. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Hello
Our advice would be to not let the 'excitement' of a meet push your boundaries. It's perfectly reasonable to want a social first. They are pushing for more - we would immediately push away. They are pushing before meeting, imagine how they'd be in the bedroom, maybe taking advantage hoping you'd be 'too polite' to say no. They might even make you feel that YOU are in the wrong.
Oh and all that 'legal' stuff at the bottom of your profile - gibberish copy and paste I'm afraid.
Take care
C and A |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hello
Our advice would be to not let the 'excitement' of a meet push your boundaries. It's perfectly reasonable to want a social first. They are pushing for more - we would immediately push away. They are pushing before meeting, imagine how they'd be in the bedroom, maybe taking advantage hoping you'd be 'too polite' to say no. They might even make you feel that YOU are in the wrong.
Oh and all that 'legal' stuff at the bottom of your profile - gibberish copy and paste I'm afraid.
Take care
C and A"
lol |
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"It sounds they are hoping for more than just a social meet and if they are already making you feel uneasy - then I'd give it a miss"
Yes - kick 'em into touch - plenty of people on your wavelength on here - they clearly are not. |
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By *illyCouple
over a year ago
Coventry |
Part of this lifestyle is about boundaries. If you have them or not. If it's your first meet and they are pushing you to do things you dont want to do then I would walk away. They are all ready making you feel uncomfortable and you haven't even met yet ..
If you go through with it ..it could put you off all together |
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It could just be a case of them getting overexcited with the build up to meeting and letting their fantasies spill out.
We arranged to meet a couple for a social and had a Kik group chat going between the four of us. A few days before the social, the guy began messaging Rob separately to talk about fantasies he has for his wife and to see if we could take the lead at the social and persuade her to play in the toilet in the bar.
He was very clearly told that wouldn't be happening and we were only there for a coffee and a chat. He got very apologetic and said he was just over excited as they'd been building towards this for ages. We still agreed to meet them but then they never showed  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Everyone wants good experiences, I feel that is especially important when starting out. You risk ruining that for yourselves, you are already spending your time on something that clearly is not sitting easily with you. Personally I would not entertain it any longer and invest time finding what feels comfortable. |
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The earlier posters saying about worrying what they'd be like in the bedroom if they're pushing like this now are right. They're probably hoping you'll get carried away and do things you're not comfortable with. I'd be extremely wary of them at this point and inclined to cancel. |
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