FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > STI conversations causing offence?
STI conversations causing offence?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Recently I've noticed a growing divide between the swinging/open scene and the kink/fetish scene in relation to acceptable pre-carnal conversation. While conversation about RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink) and STARS (STI status, Turn-ons, Avoids, Relationship intentions, STI etiquette) are almost a prerequisite in the kink world; I now get what can almost be called abusive tirades if I dare to ask someone's STI status in the swinging world.
I am really failing to understand how in today's world, asking someone about their sexual health is not an expected component when you're discussing potentially meeting someone for a sexual encounter. Why am I the one causing distress by asking? Why am I the one getting the abuse by asking and protecting my own health? |
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Well if someone asked me my sti status that would say to me that they are looking for a meet where protection isn't used. I don't find it offensive for someone to ask me whether I take my sexual health seriously but who is to say whether someone will be honest?
So my idea of me taking my sexual health seriously is go get checked every 6 weeks (because I do owo) and every penetrative sex I have is always protected. And if someone isn't willing to use protection then it's a flat no from me with no sway. For me it's not worth taking a risk just to have sex without a condom. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's wierd how people insist on condoms for penetrative sex but not for oral when that is as risky.
It's up to everyone to protect themselves and if you ask about status you only have their word for it so you just have to go with your own judgement. |
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"It's wierd how people insist on condoms for penetrative sex but not for oral when that is as risky.
It's up to everyone to protect themselves and if you ask about status you only have their word for it so you just have to go with your own judgement."
It isn't as risky.
But it's still risky.
Because it isn't as risky, people chance it. |
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I always have my phone with me and can show people my latest "all clear" test results if they ask (which is rare actually) but as with anyone we are only as good as our last sexual contact so test results are pretty meaningless actually, other than demonstrating that I/they do get tested. |
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"Recently I've noticed a growing divide between the swinging/open scene and the kink/fetish scene in relation to acceptable pre-carnal conversation. While conversation about RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink) and STARS (STI status, Turn-ons, Avoids, Relationship intentions, STI etiquette) are almost a prerequisite in the kink world; I now get what can almost be called abusive tirades if I dare to ask someone's STI status in the swinging world.
I am really failing to understand how in today's world, asking someone about their sexual health is not an expected component when you're discussing potentially meeting someone for a sexual encounter. Why am I the one causing distress by asking? Why am I the one getting the abuse by asking and protecting my own health?"
Eloquently put and totally agree. |
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To add.
We understand all the caveats such as the other person's honesty, incubation periods, taking personal responsibility, etc, but asking up front also puts the other person on notice that we take the issue seriously and helps to avoid awkward moments at inopportune times when you may have to call a halt to proceedings on preventative health grounds. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Maybe it's the way you're asking?"
The way I ask is by being blunt as a brick wall.
"When was your last STI check-up and what was the result?"
and
"Do you get tested regularly or only when you have cause for concern?"
If an adult who is engaging in casual sex can't answer those without being offended or embarrassed; they are not mature enough to be trusted with my health.
A condom doesn't prevent or deminish exposure to herpes, syphilis, chlamydia, HPV, or a plethora of other infectious pathogens. I feel it is my right to be frank and unashamed for asking about things that directly affect me and everyone else I have contact with. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You come across as being a bit cold and mechanical mate. Having swinging sex is not just about emptying your balls safely. It is actually about warmth and fun and being nice to other people.
What you suggest sounds a bit superior and condescending about how fantastically clean you are. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You come across as being a bit cold and mechanical mate. Having swinging sex is not just about emptying your balls safely. It is actually about warmth and fun and being nice to other people.
What you suggest sounds a bit superior and condescending about how fantastically clean you are."
Yes you are absolutely correct. Given the environment of a forum, the example sentences I used are all by themselves are very cold and mechanical. Put these in the context of there being many messages over a period of time and possibly meeting for a coffee or after a phone call, they are not.
Please remember you are reading a tiny little snippet, and it still does not change the fact, discussion about sexual health when the possibility of sexual activity is an outcome should be expected. Trusting a condom to prevent everything is naive and reprehensibly irresponsible. You might come away from a meet where there has been absolutely no "emptying of balls" because there was nothing other than heavy petting and find yourself with HPV or syphilis or herpes... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I wouldn't be offended, I've asked and been asked before and I'm always up front about the fact that I use condoms for both piv and oral sex. If people don't like my precautions, they don't have to play with me =) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I always think more of someone asking about it. I try not to make assumptions about the fact that they've asked, but there are sometimes other indicators as as to why they might be asking. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Maybe it's the way you're asking?
The way I ask is by being blunt as a brick wall.
"When was your last STI check-up and what was the result?"
and
"Do you get tested regularly or only when you have cause for concern?"
If an adult who is engaging in casual sex can't answer those without being offended or embarrassed; they are not mature enough to be trusted with my health.
A condom doesn't prevent or deminish exposure to herpes, syphilis, chlamydia, HPV, or a plethora of other infectious pathogens. I feel it is my right to be frank and unashamed for asking about things that directly affect me and everyone else I have contact with."
It is absolutely your right to be frank and upfront. You don't have a right to those answers though. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Maybe it's the way you're asking?
The way I ask is by being blunt as a brick wall.
"When was your last STI check-up and what was the result?"
and
"Do you get tested regularly or only when you have cause for concern?"
If an adult who is engaging in casual sex can't answer those without being offended or embarrassed; they are not mature enough to be trusted with my health.
A condom doesn't prevent or deminish exposure to herpes, syphilis, chlamydia, HPV, or a plethora of other infectious pathogens. I feel it is my right to be frank and unashamed for asking about things that directly affect me and everyone else I have contact with."
To be fair I ask the same questions but during face to face social so I can watch the reaction. Have seen some stammering and trying to blag they've tested via means I know for a fact don't do such kind of tests. It's easy to see during face to face meet if they're telling the truth or not while you can't be sure of it via messages.
If they're lying or evasive of an answer - social is the first and last time we'll see them.
Mrs |
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By *eannaTV/TS
over a year ago
Cwmfelifach, nr Newport |
"Recently I've noticed a growing divide between the swinging/open scene and the kink/fetish scene in relation to acceptable pre-carnal conversation. While conversation about RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink) and STARS (STI status, Turn-ons, Avoids, Relationship intentions, STI etiquette) are almost a prerequisite in the kink world; I now get what can almost be called abusive tirades if I dare to ask someone's STI status in the swinging world.
I am really failing to understand how in today's world, asking someone about their sexual health is not an expected component when you're discussing potentially meeting someone for a sexual encounter. Why am I the one causing distress by asking? Why am I the one getting the abuse by asking and protecting my own health?"
Before any fun begins I tend to let them know that I'm STD free 9 time's out of 10 they respond without any problem or abuse any negative response stops all play immediately. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
If people get abusive or take offence to you asking about it OP then it's an indication they weren't a good match for you - so just ignore and move on would be my advice.
I take responsibility for my own sexual health and safeguard that as much as possible - and think everyone should do the same, if they don't, they're not for me, simple as. |
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I think it’s extremely pro-active and I would be impressed if I was asked any of these questions you discuss prior to a meet. Instead it’s me asking and I’ve never been responded to negatively for asking. It’s not unsexy and its not a turn off at all. Like others have mentioned we should be able to be adult about the risks, discuss them and make sure we look after our health. X  |
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By *otsMan
over a year ago
Higham |
"I always have my phone with me and can show people my latest "all clear" test results if they ask (which is rare actually) but as with anyone we are only as good as our last sexual contact so test results are pretty meaningless actually, other than demonstrating that I/they do get tested. "
Well said |
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"Recently I've noticed a growing divide between the swinging/open scene and the kink/fetish scene in relation to acceptable pre-carnal conversation. While conversation about RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink) and STARS (STI status, Turn-ons, Avoids, Relationship intentions, STI etiquette) are almost a prerequisite in the kink world; I now get what can almost be called abusive tirades if I dare to ask someone's STI status in the swinging world.
I am really failing to understand how in today's world, asking someone about their sexual health is not an expected component when you're discussing potentially meeting someone for a sexual encounter. Why am I the one causing distress by asking? Why am I the one getting the abuse by asking and protecting my own health?"
Hearing the response to these questions is a good filter for meets.
If they don't take their sexual health seriously, I tend to take the same approach to them.
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"Recently I've noticed a growing divide between the swinging/open scene and the kink/fetish scene in relation to acceptable pre-carnal conversation. While conversation about RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink) and STARS (STI status, Turn-ons, Avoids, Relationship intentions, STI etiquette) are almost a prerequisite in the kink world; I now get what can almost be called abusive tirades if I dare to ask someone's STI status in the swinging world.
I am really failing to understand how in today's world, asking someone about their sexual health is not an expected component when you're discussing potentially meeting someone for a sexual encounter. Why am I the one causing distress by asking? Why am I the one getting the abuse by asking and protecting my own health?"
If you're causing people offence by asking then walk away. Swing/Kink risks are both obvious! |
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It's interesting that people take their and others sexual health more seriously than any another aspect of wellbeing. I'm not saying it's wrong, we all do well to take precautions. However in other areas of life nobody routinely asks if people are up to date with all vaccinations, has recently returned from or been in contact with someone from Wuhan, is immune to mumps or vaccinated against flu. It isn't common (yet) for us in the West to wear masks in public places if we might be infectious or be overly concerned if we go into work with a bad cold or a sore throat and sit with colleagues.
I just wonder why we feel able to be critical of people who appear unwilling to share one aspect of their health care and don't even think about other health risks people might pose. |
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"You come across as being a bit cold and mechanical mate. Having swinging sex is not just about emptying your balls safely. It is actually about warmth and fun and being nice to other people.
What you suggest sounds a bit superior and condescending about how fantastically clean you are."
I agree. |
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"Recently I've noticed a growing divide between the swinging/open scene and the kink/fetish scene in relation to acceptable pre-carnal conversation. While conversation about RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink) and STARS (STI status, Turn-ons, Avoids, Relationship intentions, STI etiquette) are almost a prerequisite in the kink world; I now get what can almost be called abusive tirades if I dare to ask someone's STI status in the swinging world.
I am really failing to understand how in today's world, asking someone about their sexual health is not an expected component when you're discussing potentially meeting someone for a sexual encounter. Why am I the one causing distress by asking? Why am I the one getting the abuse by asking and protecting my own health?"
This fascinates me - the difference between poly play parties and events like sweat and swinging is something I would like to do my PHD on. My gut tells me swingers tend to be older, more mainstream and conservative, and quite vanilla - obviously everyone this doesn't apply to will now post objecting but generally just a peruse of the forums shows how hetronormative and cisgenderist the majority are. Neu-kink (ie Rack/consent focused) is a lot more influenced by conversations from the sex positive movement and whilst it still has its problems both ethical non monogamy and kink seem to attract much wider demographics that what Mr I and I have labelled the "golf club"
Ms Icebreaker |
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By *erces LetiferMan
over a year ago
Somewhere off the edge of the map... 'ere there be monsters |
Surely, in this area of the lifestyle it's better to be slightly over cautious vs. not cautious enough?
We're all responsible adults who should take our own sexual health seriously as well as those we play with - this is something that affects/reflects on us all in the long run, no?
With that in mind, I think it's important that we all give each other that space to ask these questions completely free of judgement or negative reaction. Why take additional, unnecessary risks just to save/avoid someone's feelings?
The only way to get rid of or minimise the shame and stigma of STIs is to be open and honest with each other with little fear or judgement. There's nothing wrong with being pro-active and conscientious about your own sexual health and those of any potential playmates. It should be encouraged and commended at every turn, because forewarned is forearmed, and it makes the lifestyle a better, safter place for everyone. |
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