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How to make it feel not planned
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Hi all,
We are new on this journey and finally took fantasy to reality. It's been great in helping us realise our boundaries etc and we want to continue at a reasonable pace that fits in with a busy life etc.
Anyway, the one issue we have is that we really enjoyed it but my wife doesnt like things being too planned as it ruins the 'being caught in the moment' of it for her and she is worried about pressure. We were lucky that our only encounter was totally random but this has taken a while to happen and isnt likely again or at least for a long time, but it was perfect for our intro to it.
She doesnt want to do a club either so I am trying to think up ways to make it as unplanned as possible for her, whilst knowing that in reality she would like to know a bit in advance to can be a bit ready. Anyone else come across this and how did you support your partner in their side of the fantasy. I also know it's a bit of a nerves thing as we spoke about it so want to make it as easy for her as possible (as she loved it when we did it and does want it again).
Cheers |
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"Hi all,
We are new on this journey and finally took fantasy to reality. It's been great in helping us realise our boundaries etc and we want to continue at a reasonable pace that fits in with a busy life etc.
Anyway, the one issue we have is that we really enjoyed it but my wife doesnt like things being too planned as it ruins the 'being caught in the moment' of it for her and she is worried about pressure. We were lucky that our only encounter was totally random but this has taken a while to happen and isnt likely again or at least for a long time, but it was perfect for our intro to it.
She doesnt want to do a club either so I am trying to think up ways to make it as unplanned as possible for her, whilst knowing that in reality she would like to know a bit in advance to can be a bit ready. Anyone else come across this and how did you support your partner in their side of the fantasy. I also know it's a bit of a nerves thing as we spoke about it so want to make it as easy for her as possible (as she loved it when we did it and does want it again).
Cheers"
I’m not sure if things can be planned ‘unplanned’...! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Good question. As someone with a full diary and little time to play out i’ll Be watching this thread with interest. Shame she won’t go to a club. That’s the obvious route and you never know who you will bump into. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Arrange meets yourself then just tell her you're going out so she gets dressed up then at the location when you meet the other person you can let her in on the secret. So for her it'll be like you have just got chatting to someone in a pub and decided to take them home spontaneously |
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Thanks all for the feedback. I know it's a tricky one. It's a challenge as I am more confident but it is both of us in this and we need to move at the pace we are both happy with. I am just trying to make it as easy as possible for my wife to feel comfy. I did think about just planning it but 1. I am crap at secrets and 2. I know she would want to know. I was thinking of just a social drink with a couple or are there any known swinger friendly bars that arent clubs where people know to go for a drink? |
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"I sent you a message. I know I’m a bloke but know what I’m talking about. There are a couple of local bars well known but best not to mention them in the forum, eh? "
I would love to know where they are.... |
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Clubs are the easiest way.
But there's got to be a mix of plan and spontaneity, particularly if you have special rules or boundaries as a couple.
Meeting someone(s) where you've planned the bare bones and agreed with them, but letting it flow naturally within that? |
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By *osweet69Couple
over a year ago
portsmouth |
"I sent you a message. I know I’m a bloke but know what I’m talking about. There are a couple of local bars well known but best not to mention them in the forum, eh? "
We would be interested in knowing where they are as we like Brighton and go there quite often.
|
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"Hi all,
We are new on this journey and finally took fantasy to reality. It's been great in helping us realise our boundaries etc and we want to continue at a reasonable pace that fits in with a busy life etc.
Anyway, the one issue we have is that we really enjoyed it but my wife doesnt like things being too planned as it ruins the 'being caught in the moment' of it for her and she is worried about pressure. We were lucky that our only encounter was totally random but this has taken a while to happen and isnt likely again or at least for a long time, but it was perfect for our intro to it.
She doesnt want to do a club either so I am trying to think up ways to make it as unplanned as possible for her, whilst knowing that in reality she would like to know a bit in advance to can be a bit ready. Anyone else come across this and how did you support your partner in their side of the fantasy. I also know it's a bit of a nerves thing as we spoke about it so want to make it as easy for her as possible (as she loved it when we did it and does want it again).
Cheers"
What about socials where you can just meet people with no pressure, maybe make some new friends and let it develop from there?? |
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Thank you all for taking the time and respond or email. Really appreciate it. Think we may look at the social option as it will feel a little less planned but likely develop into something if we all click. I know what she is like. She will say all this and then be leading us all off lol. Really appreciate it though because we are finding our feet in this and want to ensure we do it at a pace we are both happy with so that it stays fun. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thanks all for the feedback. I know it's a tricky one. It's a challenge as I am more confident but it is both of us in this and we need to move at the pace we are both happy with. I am just trying to make it as easy as possible for my wife to feel comfy. I did think about just planning it but 1. I am crap at secrets and 2. I know she would want to know. I was thinking of just a social drink with a couple or are there any known swinger friendly bars that arent clubs where people know to go for a drink?"
Out of curiosity why would a swinger friendly bar be ok but not a club? Have you been to clubs previously?
All the clubs we have been to have a clothed bar area to chill and chat to people in which is essentially a swingers friendly bar.
You have to make the conscious choice to leave that area and go to the play areas, rooms etc which are located seperately.
Maybe think of a club as a swingers friendly bar with seperate areas you can go to if an opportunity arises.
Clubs are the ultimate unplanned experience every night is different some nights we have just stayed in the bar relaxed and socialised, other nights just went off as husband and wife and played together privately or in a room that people can see into, other times with have had MMF threesomes, MFF threesomes, all manner of foursomes and even 20+ orgies. By going to the club none of those things were planned they just happened organically.
Good luck KJ x |
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By *hav02Man
over a year ago
Glasgow/London |
Would lastminute planning add the element of spontaneity?
Eg. Go out to eat somewhere (pub/bar etc), and check your "who's near" and message someone an invite to your location to meet. If you hit it off, great!
Might take longer and more effort, but at least you can proceed at your own pace with no expectations.
Good luck! |
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"Thanks all for the feedback. I know it's a tricky one. It's a challenge as I am more confident but it is both of us in this and we need to move at the pace we are both happy with. I am just trying to make it as easy as possible for my wife to feel comfy. I did think about just planning it but 1. I am crap at secrets and 2. I know she would want to know. I was thinking of just a social drink with a couple or are there any known swinger friendly bars that arent clubs where people know to go for a drink?
Out of curiosity why would a swinger friendly bar be ok but not a club? Have you been to clubs previously?
All the clubs we have been to have a clothed bar area to chill and chat to people in which is essentially a swingers friendly bar.
You have to make the conscious choice to leave that area and go to the play areas, rooms etc which are located seperately.
Maybe think of a club as a swingers friendly bar with seperate areas you can go to if an opportunity arises.
Clubs are the ultimate unplanned experience every night is different some nights we have just stayed in the bar relaxed and socialised, other nights just went off as husband and wife and played together privately or in a room that people can see into, other times with have had MMF threesomes, MFF threesomes, all manner of foursomes and even 20+ orgies. By going to the club none of those things were planned they just happened organically.
Good luck KJ x"
Very nicely explained. This is how we see Clubs, they are a great place to get excited about going to, to meet people (planned and/or unplanned) and to have the choice to walk away, to play on your own, to play with others or just to watch. It is worth giving them a go, as all are very different  |
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The thing is a certain element of planning is required otherwise the people you're meeting won't know where they stand.
We meet socially first explaining that there are no guarantees of anything more. I think that's fair on both parties.
There comes a point when you have to admit to yourself that you like casual sex and make the necessary plans to make that happen. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The thing is a certain element of planning is required otherwise the people you're meeting won't know where they stand.
We meet socially first explaining that there are no guarantees of anything more. I think that's fair on both parties.
There comes a point when you have to admit to yourself that you like casual sex and make the necessary plans to make that happen. "
Without wishing to be too off topic, how do you manage the social where there is no spark?
We are like the OP in that planning seems to create a pressure. That’s why we like clubs, but would like to learn from the experience of others. |
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"Thanks all for the feedback. I know it's a tricky one. It's a challenge as I am more confident but it is both of us in this and we need to move at the pace we are both happy with. I am just trying to make it as easy as possible for my wife to feel comfy. I did think about just planning it but 1. I am crap at secrets and 2. I know she would want to know. I was thinking of just a social drink with a couple or are there any known swinger friendly bars that arent clubs where people know to go for a drink?
Out of curiosity why would a swinger friendly bar be ok but not a club? Have you been to clubs previously?
All the clubs we have been to have a clothed bar area to chill and chat to people in which is essentially a swingers friendly bar.
You have to make the conscious choice to leave that area and go to the play areas, rooms etc which are located seperately.
Maybe think of a club as a swingers friendly bar with seperate areas you can go to if an opportunity arises.
Clubs are the ultimate unplanned experience every night is different some nights we have just stayed in the bar relaxed and socialised, other nights just went off as husband and wife and played together privately or in a room that people can see into, other times with have had MMF threesomes, MFF threesomes, all manner of foursomes and even 20+ orgies. By going to the club none of those things were planned they just happened organically.
Good luck KJ x"
Totally agree with this!!!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I do know exactly how you feel OP. It is hard to get the balance right. Mrs N says she finds all the anticipation a little bit overwhelming at times.
I know mrs N is capable of wonderful things, She did something really spontaneous on holiday and fucked a friend who happened to be near us on holiday too. Pushed so many boundaries and we both loved it but how do you repeat such things when back home. It is hard to get that feeling of spontaneity and yet do something that is not planned. Drop me a line to discuss. |
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As long as all parties are agreed on the rules and limitations, as well as shared interests, everyone can play it by ear, potentially stopping others from doing something that they don't want at that moment.
Light, flirty engagement can proceed at any pace. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you have a bigger budget you could organise a romantic weekend away with her thinking it'll just be the two of you and then invite a couple to the hotel? As it's a romantic weekend she'll be expecting to have sex with you so will be ready anyway |
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Have you thought about going to one of the group socials, (eg Bristol social)? You can get dressed up chat to people at the venue. If you click with a couple you can be spontaneous and go back to yours or their hotel room and if not the two of you can have a fun night together in a hotel room. |
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I have a list of my likes, dislikes, no gos, boundaries, and health conditions along with other useful information printed out and saved as a set of jpegs.
I share them with ppl when we are likely to be playing, such as giving it out to refer to at clubs or even use it as a cheat sheet during play for ideas of what I enjoy.
Helps keep it spontaneous but also gets my boundaries across as I have a lot of specific requirements for various reasons.
Also means I've thought of it in advance and can have those discussions with others easier. |
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"The thing is a certain element of planning is required otherwise the people you're meeting won't know where they stand.
We meet socially first explaining that there are no guarantees of anything more. I think that's fair on both parties.
There comes a point when you have to admit to yourself that you like casual sex and make the necessary plans to make that happen.
Without wishing to be too off topic, how do you manage the social where there is no spark?
We are like the OP in that planning seems to create a pressure. That’s why we like clubs, but would like to learn from the experience of others. "
,
We explain that we always have a private chat afterwards. If there's no spark we message to thank them for meeting and say we won't be taking things further or they message to tell us they aren't interested. Obviously if there is a spark we arrange to meet again. |
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Had something similar, but this was the female setting it up as an unplanned meet, went into a lot of detail to make it appear unplanned. Although I suspect he had an inkling because I don’t think it was the first time. Turned into a bit of a disaster though because of the chosen location. |
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"Thanks all for the feedback. I know it's a tricky one. It's a challenge as I am more confident but it is both of us in this and we need to move at the pace we are both happy with. I am just trying to make it as easy as possible for my wife to feel comfy. I did think about just planning it but 1. I am crap at secrets and 2. I know she would want to know. I was thinking of just a social drink with a couple or are there any known swinger friendly bars that arent clubs where people know to go for a drink?
Out of curiosity why would a swinger friendly bar be ok but not a club? Have you been to clubs previously?
All the clubs we have been to have a clothed bar area to chill and chat to people in which is essentially a swingers friendly bar.
You have to make the conscious choice to leave that area and go to the play areas, rooms etc which are located seperately.
Maybe think of a club as a swingers friendly bar with seperate areas you can go to if an opportunity arises.
Clubs are the ultimate unplanned experience every night is different some nights we have just stayed in the bar relaxed and socialised, other nights just went off as husband and wife and played together privately or in a room that people can see into, other times with have had MMF threesomes, MFF threesomes, all manner of foursomes and even 20+ orgies. By going to the club none of those things were planned they just happened organically.
Good luck KJ x
Very nicely explained. This is how we see Clubs, they are a great place to get excited about going to, to meet people (planned and/or unplanned) and to have the choice to walk away, to play on your own, to play with others or just to watch. It is worth giving them a go, as all are very different "
Thank you everyone for your lovely replies and info. Really appreciate it. I really agree but my wife (who I will share this with) openly admits she puts a taboo stigma with clubs but is also very nervous (per the below). Knowing the bar bit is there may help, as locally we are only aware of a naked sauna which seems a bit daunting and put us off for fear of expectation on entry. Our dream is to just go to a bar and hook up. We may also look for socials as just the psychology of it being social and not a meet, may help. Thanks for being patient with news.
Also my wife (and a mother of 2), who I think it's the sexiest woman alive and is also amazingly a tiny size 8 that women would kill for, has body confidence issues (post kids) which is part of it as we discussed it last night after reading replies. Not as a sexual thing but any women that want to help her or give her a confidence boost or a chat about how they overcome these will be greatly appreciated. Not just looking for likes, but some advice if that's cool |
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"Thanks all for the feedback. I know it's a tricky one. It's a challenge as I am more confident but it is both of us in this and we need to move at the pace we are both happy with. I am just trying to make it as easy as possible for my wife to feel comfy. I did think about just planning it but 1. I am crap at secrets and 2. I know she would want to know. I was thinking of just a social drink with a couple or are there any known swinger friendly bars that arent clubs where people know to go for a drink?
Out of curiosity why would a swinger friendly bar be ok but not a club? Have you been to clubs previously?
All the clubs we have been to have a clothed bar area to chill and chat to people in which is essentially a swingers friendly bar.
You have to make the conscious choice to leave that area and go to the play areas, rooms etc which are located seperately.
Maybe think of a club as a swingers friendly bar with seperate areas you can go to if an opportunity arises.
Clubs are the ultimate unplanned experience every night is different some nights we have just stayed in the bar relaxed and socialised, other nights just went off as husband and wife and played together privately or in a room that people can see into, other times with have had MMF threesomes, MFF threesomes, all manner of foursomes and even 20+ orgies. By going to the club none of those things were planned they just happened organically.
Good luck KJ x
Very nicely explained. This is how we see Clubs, they are a great place to get excited about going to, to meet people (planned and/or unplanned) and to have the choice to walk away, to play on your own, to play with others or just to watch. It is worth giving them a go, as all are very different
Thank you everyone for your lovely replies and info. Really appreciate it. I really agree but my wife (who I will share this with) openly admits she puts a taboo stigma with clubs but is also very nervous (per the below). Knowing the bar bit is there may help, as locally we are only aware of a naked sauna which seems a bit daunting and put us off for fear of expectation on entry. Our dream is to just go to a bar and hook up. We may also look for socials as just the psychology of it being social and not a meet, may help. Thanks for being patient with news.
Also my wife (and a mother of 2), who I think it's the sexiest woman alive and is also amazingly a tiny size 8 that women would kill for, has body confidence issues (post kids) which is part of it as we discussed it last night after reading replies. Not as a sexual thing but any women that want to help her or give her a confidence boost or a chat about how they overcome these will be greatly appreciated. Not just looking for likes, but some advice if that's cool"
why not find out if you can set up some purely social outings with couples from here? Just to chat about everything, not just swinging.
To be honest if I was your partner I'd be feeling more pressured by a lot of this not less. I know this isn't your intention though |
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