FabSwingers.com > Forums > Swinging Support and Advice > BDSM where to start

BDSM where to start

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Looking for some advice we want to start exploring BDSM but don’t really know where to start. Before we get offers from guys that’s not what we want. We were hoping that there was maybe a London club were we could dip our toes in and see if it’s something we want to take further. We have an idea of what we want just need some guidance. Thanks is advance.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Looking for some advice we want to start exploring BDSM but don’t really know where to start. Before we get offers from guys that’s not what we want. We were hoping that there was maybe a London club were we could dip our toes in and see if it’s something we want to take further. We have an idea of what we want just need some guidance. Thanks is advance."

Try the Camden munch etc. Or lam on the first Sunday of the month at revolution bar in the city.

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By *ust_A_Tease_To_PleaseWoman over a year ago

South Wales: Newport, Chepstow

Personally I'd suggest understanding yourself and what you're drawn to, and what your not.

There is soooooo much to BDSM it's fun to explore so many ideas but the challenge is to learn enough to be safer.

For each kink ask:

What is it and how is it done? What can go wrong? What can you do about it? What happens if it does go wrong?

Something as simple as taking a pair of scissors can make the difference between unsafe and safer play without compromising on the fun!

Local Munches and play parties/events are great places to meet people and get idea. Just be warned many allow anyone in and aren't very good at banning people so always be aware that just cos someone is popular/runs events doesn't mean they are safe or good to play with.

But there are many many more amazing people and play out there!

Good luck, have a lot of fun and stay safer

Hope that helps

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If you are into your books there are great ones available on amazon to get you started. Anything by dossie Easton covers the power dynamics.

SM 101

Screw the roses give me the thorns, both a good read x

Stay away from 50 shades lol

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By *eastAndTheHarlotCouple over a year ago

Hartlepool

Please just remember that this is meant to be fun!

If it's not fun then tweak it. You don't HAVE to do it by the book. You don't HAVE to fit into a category. This is for both of you and nobody else so if you want to swap and change things to suit, do it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Thanks for the advice so far

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Good advice given esp about munches.

May need to be aware some London clubs have stricy dress codes where outfits can cost a lot.

Take your time, explore and enjoy.

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By *wickermanMan over a year ago

Staines

I would second you visiting LAM. Its a great venue and a relaxed sociable event. If you can, stay for the afterparty, if you see anything that intrigues you ask questions afterwards, many kinksters are happy to share as it is how they themselves learned.

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By *Nm19Couple over a year ago

notts

Definitely find a kink club and go, me and D have only recently started going to Asylum in Rotherham (appreciate its a bit far for you but try and find somewhere local to you) and thoroughly enjoy it. We were a little unsure to start with but D really enjoys it in fact we prefer it to a normal swingers club, we still like the play but it’s even better when D has had a good spanking lol! As previously said there is so much to BDSM you sure to find something that that turns you on

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Nice thread op, I've been curious about this for a while myself. Was looking at booking a session with a dominatrix

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By *ensualMan over a year ago

Sutton

I would first go by what JATTP said. Unless you are ticking off a bucket list (i.e. do BDSM before we die) you will have existing desires and inclinations. So first look into yourself and see what they are, and then see whether they match between you. A good aid is a well known online bdsm test which could be guide. The other thing about the test is that it list nearly every kind of kink personality. Also remember you will evolve so it is a guide only.

So look and wonder.

When you have an idea where you want to start then Google and YouTube can be helpful.

I would agree with the books mentioned but also try Tristan Taomino's guide to bdsm.

I am wary of munches and clubs as not all munches and clubs are equal. I would maybe try workshops first. But some clubs may be worth visiting to see what happens in dungeons.

Also there are knowledgeable people on Fab so as long as it is within the forum guidelines you can post here.

Good Luck

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Anything organised by The Firm is worth checking out. My first ever event was Night of the Cane in 2008 and it was eye popping but so friendly and fun. The start of a long, beautiful journey I've never looked back from. I hope yours brings you joy

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Definitely don't have to do it by the book.

Some of us love a read as well as following our hearts desires and being hands on

Sometimes you come across something and think.... Oooo fancy that! X

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Keep it fun, follow fb groups, read stuff online or books. Talk to eachother about what you fancy trying. Go slow and keep talking. There is no right or wrong just what works for you both. Attend clubs or munches by all means but at this point you may find it all abit mind blowing.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"get your self on fet life and read read read also find you local munches and events where you can meet people from the scene in a safe sane environment "

There's a group on there for the Facility. Big John who runs the place is a legend and you get a nice crowd there. It's got great equipment and some private areas. You can chat on the group and ask questions about anything.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If you are into your books there are great ones available on amazon to get you started. Anything by dossie Easton covers the power dynamics.

SM 101

Screw the roses give me the thorns, both a good read x

Stay away from 50 shades lol "

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By *illybare partyMan over a year ago

hotel in teeside once a month

Probably been said. But go to your local munch. It's always a good place to get started

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Theres a huge scene in London. Loads of munches, the already mentioned LAM, loads going on, just search out the events on the site that cant be named and get involves

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Fantastic

E ating

.. Toast

Lov ely

Friends

E ggs

Try c aptita1 l3tt3rs

As cannot pm you

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

.. Google search

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Thanks for all the advice gives us some good starting points x

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By *ovegames42Man over a year ago

london

Blue door dungeon.

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By *randMrsJones500Couple over a year ago

london

Google the Chardmore society. We have been to one of Tim’s parties in Sutton. A well stocked dungeon chilled crowd and people to show you the ropes lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

We would recommend reading books like "Screw the roses, send me the thorns" as a starting point. It depends on how seriously you want to take it. For us it's a facet of our love life and occasionally we can make a mistake and laugh about it which helps greatly. We know for some it's a lifestyle choice and that's ok too.

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By *nliveneTV/TS over a year ago

Selby

I would sugest go to a club there you will find people they are into BDSM . Clubs always have BDSM events and you find people who know what BDSM is about, many they live and embrace the life style .

Usually they are well know in the clubs and are persons who know the value of the words respect & trust

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By *elvet RopeMan over a year ago

by the big field

I'd start with handcuffs and a light spanking- if that feels a bit much, its possibly not for you

(welcome to kinky pervert club by the way- we're not sure what the first rule of the club is, as the person who knows them all is currently hogtied & ball gagged

)

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Find the fetish website which is a bit like fab.

It is full or information, events etc etc.

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By *emini ManMan over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Some very good advice already given - particularly about the first step being to understand your interests both as individuals and a couple.

There is no single way to BDSM only your way that you agree between you - so it's important you both understand yourselves and each other and what you are looking to experience fromt taking this step - for instance is one of you naturally dominant and one naturally submissive, do you see this as being an occasional thing or 24/7, what extremes do you want to take things to, both in terms of the dynamic you share as well as the more physical aspects.

One thing that hasn't been suggested is completing some on-line questionnaires about BDSM - if you fill them in separately and then compare notes they may help you get an idea of what your dynamic might be and give you common ground to explore, as well as helping you set up boundaries and limits.

Some of the really good questionnaires provide lists of BDSM activities that you can rate 1-5 in terms of interest which can be a good way not only to understand yourselves, and each other, but to make you really think about what you'd like to try and give you some starting points.

The other thing I'd say is take things slowly and build up from there - don't try and do it all at once or go in at the deep end, you'll discover what works best for you so much better that way.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Where do you start? Simple. You just need a garden hose, lube and a series of garden gnomes.

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By *ecretlyASoftieWoman over a year ago

Hull but travel regularly

There’s a new event in Birmingham starting in January aimed at newbies with guest presenters each time. I’ll be presenting in January. PM me if you’re interested.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Can you please message us regarding the Birmingham event as your profile won’t allow us to pm you.

Thanks

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Softie can you message me about the event too? I can't message you either.

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By *ecretlyASoftieWoman over a year ago

Hull but travel regularly

Messaged you both x

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By *ensualMan over a year ago

Sutton

I know Softie from the London rope scene and as one of the people that rebooted the HDZ at the old Kestrels and made it worth attending. I would highly recommend any kink event in which she plays a leading part.

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By *ina VonteeseTV/TS over a year ago

Leicester

How gorgeous to see an open and honest thread on BDSM if you are interested in exploring the diverse range of this aspect

More than welcome to share advice and tips

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Set up on F*tlife just to get a feel for the scene and others kinks and tastes. Although go with your own gut feeling about what you like and want to try. BDSM covers such a varied taste and spectrum. Keep an open mind, so many on Fet wax lyrical about what they like etc as if Bdsm is a science and they have some honory degree in the subject, it really is much simpler than that...its just kink.

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By *ecretlyASoftieWoman over a year ago

Hull but travel regularly

"I know Softie from the London rope scene and as one of the people that rebooted the HDZ at the old Kestrels and made it worth attending. I would highly recommend any kink event in which she plays a leading part."

Aww thank you lovely xx

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By *irandhisbitchCouple over a year ago

Goole area

Complete a BDSM checklist of things you have done, don't like, or would like to try.

Have a look at master arcane on YouTube. He's quite informative.

Then get to some clubs (not like swinging clubs even if at the same venue) and observe/chat to others.

It's surprising what's out there!!

Good luck on your journey.

You can pm us with any questions you may have too!

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By *adyx4Woman over a year ago

Durham

"There’s a new event in Birmingham starting in January aimed at newbies with guest presenters each time. I’ll be presenting in January. PM me if you’re interested. "

I’m intrigued

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 18/12/19 18:42:41]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

This is what I do for work. But Im a harsh Dominatrix and non sexual..I dont do the pain side of things though

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By *yesgreenMan over a year ago

north and south

"This is what I do for work. But Im a harsh Dominatrix and non sexual..I dont do the pain side of things though

"
A good dominant man will take into consideration the things you enjoy and then administered for you , It's your what you can handle after all

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By *atexpvcTV/TS over a year ago

chester/Merseyside

Would that be the same for those submissive TVs who adore bondage and loves to delve more into more kinkier things..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"This is what I do for work. But Im a harsh Dominatrix and non sexual..I dont do the pain side of things though

If you don't do the sex stuff or the pain stuff, what do you do? You've got me curious now.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"This is what I do for work. But Im a harsh Dominatrix and non sexual..I dont do the pain side of things though

A good dominant man will take into consideration the things you enjoy and then administered for you , It's your what you can handle after all

Im the Dominant one..not him..

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By *nliveneTV/TS over a year ago

Selby

"This is what I do for work. But Im a harsh Dominatrix and non sexual..I dont do the pain side of things though

If you don't do the sex stuff or the pain stuff, what do you do? You've got me curious now."

Following

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"This is what I do for work. But Im a harsh Dominatrix and non sexual..I dont do the pain side of things though

If you don't do the sex stuff or the pain stuff, what do you do? You've got me curious now."

Mainly Hardsports and Watersports also forced intox

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Fantastic

E ating

.. Toast

Lov ely

Friends

E ggs

Try c aptita1 l3tt3rs

As cannot pm you "

As ingenious as you are sexy!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"This is what I do for work. But Im a harsh Dominatrix and non sexual..I dont do the pain side of things though

If you don't do the sex stuff or the pain stuff, what do you do? You've got me curious now.

Mainly Hardsports and Watersports also forced intox

I've never even heard of forced intox. I'm scared to google it. lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"This is what I do for work. But Im a harsh Dominatrix and non sexual..I dont do the pain side of things though

If you don't do the sex stuff or the pain stuff, what do you do? You've got me curious now.

Mainly Hardsports and Watersports also forced intox

I've never even heard of forced intox. I'm scared to google it. lol"

HAHA its one of my faves and Im very good at it too

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"This is what I do for work. But Im a harsh Dominatrix and non sexual..I dont do the pain side of things though

If you don't do the sex stuff or the pain stuff, what do you do? You've got me curious now.

Mainly Hardsports and Watersports also forced intox

I've never even heard of forced intox. I'm scared to google it. lol

HAHA its one of my faves and Im very good at it too "

B-b-but what is it?

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By *hiny-SinnersCouple over a year ago

Vale of Glamorgan

"This is what I do for work. But Im a harsh Dominatrix and non sexual..I dont do the pain side of things though

If you don't do the sex stuff or the pain stuff, what do you do? You've got me curious now.

Mainly Hardsports and Watersports also forced intox

I've never even heard of forced intox. I'm scared to google it. lol

HAHA its one of my faves and Im very good at it too "

Can't beat a bit of FI - we love it

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By *eavenNhellCouple over a year ago

carrbrook stalybridge

"Fantastic

E ating

.. Toast

Lov ely

Friends

E ggs

Try c aptita1 l3tt3rs

As cannot pm you

As ingenious as you are sexy!

"
or just stop pissing about and try FETish LIFEstyle site

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By *ensualMan over a year ago

Sutton

"This is what I do for work. But Im a harsh Dominatrix and non sexual..I dont do the pain side of things though

If you don't do the sex stuff or the pain stuff, what do you do? You've got me curious now.

Mainly Hardsports and Watersports also forced intox

I've never even heard of forced intox. I'm scared to google it. lol

HAHA its one of my faves and Im very good at it too

Can't beat a bit of FI - we love it

I am all for discussing kink openly but for the benefit of thread probably best not to discuss it further here.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I will just say though..Bdsm is not part of my pvt life. Im on fabs for my pvt life and of course pleasure lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If you are into your books there are great ones available on amazon to get you started. Anything by dossie Easton covers the power dynamics.

SM 101

Screw the roses give me the thorns, both a good read x

Stay away from 50 shades lol "

Following advice as wish to learn more, thank you x

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By *heEvilWithinWoman over a year ago

Barnsley

First of all people who are replying can you put your experience on? Not saying anyone in particular but a lot of people think that they have read fifty shades and know loads about bdsm

To start with I have 15 years experience as a submissive but I also have several years experience as a Domme. But I have nowhere near enough to really advise people of what they should be doing. I can only tell you things from my perspective and personal experience.

First of all start slowly. Speak to people who are in the kink world and start yourself gently. Don't do anything that could be harmful (even rope when tied incorrectly can cause nerve damage) with each other. I'd also recommend maybe going to some classes or something to learn stuff like rope if that's what you want to get into. Join the fetish website and see what is on in your area. I'm not really clued up on clubs in London but as someone has said before just because someone is popular doesn't mean they're good at it. Even if they like to think they are experienced.

If you're planning to do it with each other communication and safe words should be the first thing you discuss. And limits, what's off limits and what do you want to try. Don't ever push anyone into anything and above all else trust is needed.

Munches are like socials but for the fetish community however they can be cliquey so bear that in mind. And have fun. That's what it's about. My sub and I are never serious when we play and not everyone agrees with that. You have to find your own journey and what works for you.

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By *ensualMan over a year ago

Sutton

I am not sure people stating their experience would be beneficial, without being able to check their statements. I would also suggest that length of experience is no guarantee of quality.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I am not sure people stating their experience would be beneficial, without being able to check their statements. I would also suggest that length of experience is no guarantee of quality."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I love the closeness I have with my subs. I know them so well

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I love the closeness I have with my subs. I know them so well

I'm sure their closeness is enhanced by being tied to the bed beside you.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I love the closeness I have with my subs. I know them so well

I'm sure their closeness is enhanced by being tied to the bed beside you.

My subs would never dream of even thinking about my bed!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I love the closeness I have with my subs. I know them so well

I'm sure their closeness is enhanced by being tied to the bed beside you.

My subs would never dream of even thinking about my bed!"

Oops. Well maybe tied in their cage then.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I love the closeness I have with my subs. I know them so well

I'm sure their closeness is enhanced by being tied to the bed beside you.

My subs would never dream of even thinking about my bed!

Oops. Well maybe tied in their cage then."

no lol no cages..well not unless the cocks been up to no good

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I love the closeness I have with my subs. I know them so well

I'm sure their closeness is enhanced by being tied to the bed beside you.

My subs would never dream of even thinking about my bed!

Oops. Well maybe tied in their cage then.

no lol no cages..well not unless the cocks been up to no good"

Eek. Now I'm really scared.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

There are better sites than this with people who actually know what they are doing there I would try one of those you will get genuine people who will help.

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By *eviantdeeliteCouple over a year ago

Cheltenham

Stay away from 50 shades lol "

Worst book/film ever

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Stay away from 50 shades lol

Worst book/film ever

"
we second that

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By *ecretlyASoftieWoman over a year ago

Hull but travel regularly

"First of all people who are replying can you put your experience on? Not saying anyone in particular but a lot of people think that they have read fifty shades and know loads about bdsm

Good idea

I do Shibari and run a rope group and teach beginners and intermediates. I also get in guest teachers to the group. Mine is in Hull but you’ll find rope groups all over

I’m a house Domme at a club in Hull and preciously in London. I also specialise in impact (at the harder end) and stapling. I regularly get asked to do demos and workshops around the country.

It really is best if you find a fet specific site and try munches and play events even if you don’t do anything. Ask the dungeon monitor or house doms for advice on things. I put together a house kit for the fet night at HU9 and it can be used to those without kit or to show good technique.

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By *hiny-SinnersCouple over a year ago

Vale of Glamorgan

There are better sites than this with people who actually know what they are doing there I would try one of those you will get genuine people who will help. "

Not sure what the implication is here but there are a lot of people on Fab who have genuine experience and are also on that other site. For example Mr S has been in the Fet scene for 40 years now and no doubt others who have posted replies also have a lot of experience.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"First of all people who are replying can you put your experience on? Not saying anyone in particular but a lot of people think that they have read fifty shades and know loads about bdsm

Good idea

I do Shibari and run a rope group and teach beginners and intermediates. I also get in guest teachers to the group. Mine is in Hull but you’ll find rope groups all over

I’m a house Domme at a club in Hull and preciously in London. I also specialise in impact (at the harder end) and stapling. I regularly get asked to do demos and workshops around the country.

Shibari is so beautiful. I love the artwork about it. I tried but im all fingers n thumbs lol

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By *ensualMan over a year ago

Sutton

Apologies if you know this, but one of the problems with the rope scene these days is terminology. Shibari tends to be used for the pretty designs, whereas Kinbaku for the more edgier play where rope can be used as a medium of communication. For kinbaku as long as you can tie a basic single column and do reverse turns it is straightforward. Well also a basic understanding of anatomy for rope!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Apologies if you know this, but one of the problems with the rope scene these days is terminology. Shibari tends to be used for the pretty designs, whereas Kinbaku for the more edgier play where rope can be used as a medium of communication. For kinbaku as long as you can tie a basic single column and do reverse turns it is straightforward. Well also a basic understanding of anatomy for rope!

I read a writting recently that suggested if you didn't like the use of the terminology, then basically you were a "Grumpy Bastard". I am a grumpy bastard! And I love string!

String should be about having fun and everyone enjoying themselves.

Every heard the line, if you put two riggers in a room and ask what is shibari, you'll get three opinions

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

In my humble opinion you both as a couple should maybe explore a bit between yourselves and see what possibly fits or not for you.. BDSM has lots of variants and you explore it on the way you both want.

Remember it's your (both) rules

enjoy the ride x

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By *ensualMan over a year ago

Sutton

I read a writting recently that suggested if you didn't like the use of the terminology, then basically you were a "Grumpy Bastard". I am a grumpy bastard! And I love string!

String should be about having fun and everyone enjoying themselves.

Every heard the line, if you put two riggers in a room and ask what is shibari, you'll get three opinions

????

Dear Grumpy

I would not restrict this to playing with string. It should be extended to the whole area of kinkliciousness. Almost every concept and definition in BDSM/kink is regularly challenged and rarely agreed upon.

Personally I am not a "grumpy bastard" but a "geeky git" and read heavily around the subject of rope. I have probably have about 30 books on rope and knots and "few" others on BDSM generally.

I accept that you don't need to know the theory and history of music to enjoy playing the guitar. But knowing the correct terms and theory (in my view) allows you to play better with others. So (and again this is just my view) in string it allows for better negotiation with bottoms and discussion about rope generally with others.

Geeky

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